#but the romatisization feels weird | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hollyhomburg · 5 years

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I really fell like you kind of romanticised butterfly in the sense of self hat anxiety and cutting.Unless you deal with them personally you would not know that it feels like and I bet you can agree on that. it was glamorised.It’s really worse then that and you really kinda didn’t perceive it that well. Sorry but it kind of hurt that you tried to romanticise it for an stupid ff. it’s offensive and not something to write about so army’s can fantasise about being “saved” from it by bts It’s mocking

Sorry guys this is kinda graphic but be warned major talk about self harm and a shit ton of personal stuff- jfc- don’t actually read this if you don’t want to know verry intimate details about my life, sorry for the weird font things and the emojis I had to distract myself from what I was actually writing about.

I did use to cut, I’m about 2 years clean now (I think it was about March of 2017 but I didn’t really have a good grasp of time then depression man) but I started when I was about 12 because honestly my life was shit.

Butterfly is mostly based on the things I needed to hear when I was going through the worst of it and verry much based on my first ever relationship with a guy who constantly said he’d leave me if I ever cut again. He always found a reason to stay when I did, because I always did again no Matter how many times I promised him I wouldn’t. until I had a pregnancy scare- then he noped right out of my life

this, this bareing of myself isn’t intentional- but maybe telling my story will make you understand. I don’t know if I did romatisize self-harm and mental illness in the story, but if I did, that wasn’t my intention and I’d love to change it if you have any specific suggestions beyond just saying that it is- because to my eyes it’s not problematic because I live with the same kind of self hate the reader has, (not all the time but definitely on my bad days, which thankfully are few and far between now that I’ve been in recovery for so long)

It’s not my intention for butterfly to be a fantasizing peice, for people who want to self harm and be saved to start because of what they read. there is no talk of “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem” talk” which over simplifies it. Or the whole “you must be better for me and I will make you live for my sake” because that never works you have to live for yourself if you’re going to live at all.

what you do have in the story is the boys constantly and consistently challenging the readers view of herself, assuring her that she deserves to be comforted when she’s feeling overly self negative, she deserves to ask for thing like support. The boys aren’t going to be her reason- they can’t be, but they’re sure as hell going to stop enabling her in her self hate (everyone but Jungkook that is) her view of herself is overwhelmingly negative besides the occasional thought of “at least I’m helpful-maybe then my existance is worth it” she can’t subside on their love when she needs to start loving herself and actually putting in the work to get better.

This particular kind of worthlessness is a feeling so pervasive no one should ever have to live with it alone. Which is why I write about it even though it’s really hard for me.

No one besides a phrat boy knows this, but during the worst time of my self harm (my sophomore year of college) I cut two words into either of my wrists. On one side was the word “useful” and on the other side was “worthless.” a guy saw them when we where hooking up and almost checked me into a psyche ward despite the fact that he probably needed to get his stomach pumped. Don’t know if he even remembered it the day after he was so drunk. after that I refused to take my shirt off during sex.

I’m asexual- like pretty certian I’m somewhere on the spectrum, definitely not sex repulsed though. I’ve probably had more than 20 one night stands? not because I really wanted to have sex cuz I never do. literally sex is so boring if it’s not kinky- it’s like watching golf and even when it’s kinky it’s like a movie marathon I’m like mildly interested if it’s on in the background but I’m not going to sit down and watch it like I would the new how to train your dragon movie or the season finale game of thrones. My sexuality is dragons I guess

I had one night stands because I needed to feel useful for a little while and because I usually like the cuddling that comes after, usually , but if I actually like the person I have sex with, I vomit, every single damn time Cuz like Maybe if someone used me for just a night I could pretend that I hadn’t already been thrown to the curb like something that was only meant for a single use. Useful, but worthless. Two sides of the same coin, one word for each wrist.

So yeah maybe I dream of a world where i was saved from that, where I didn’t have to go through it all on my own and fight for every clawing inch I got with my mental health. But maybe everyone dreams that they weren’t alone. Maybe I wish it wasn’t all me that got me to where I am now- to where I can talk about it on this forum and write about it so that other people can be comforted along side myself.

Maybe if It wasn’t all me I wouldn’t worry and stress about my mental health so god damn much- to the point where the fear of going back to that time, to being like that, consumes me on the daily. I have anxiety attacks about the posibility of having anxiety attacks (because I used to cut nearly every time I had them). I never ever want to go back to cutting myself. Never ever ever. I’m terrified at the possibility of it.

But writing about it. Putting myself back in those months before i stopped and writing about it (and reading other stories about it) helps me to remember what I didn’t know then:

I have people who love and will help me if I need it, I can talk to people about it, I can have a conversation about my mental health while knowing I deserve it. I’m not just something someone would toss in the garbage. I’m not just taking up space

✨ One persons trash is another’s treasure and fuck it if I won’t treasure myself ✨

Yeah I wish someone had been able to help me through that- because it was fucking terrifying doing it alone. And if fantasizing about it makes me feel less alone, then it’s okay. Literally all fan fiction is a fantasy anyway. None of it is real. Dean Winchester would have cum enough to fill several seas if it was and Jeon jungkooks dick would have fallen off from how many times he’s fucked y/n. A lot of army’s already feel like bts has saved them, I did verry little to encourage that line of thought in them.

For most Armys, BTS saving them is not a fantasy- it’s a reality.

If you’ve done a close reading of the story, youd realize it’s flawed, Jungkook flat out refuses the readers request for understanding, hoseok dosent realize what’s going on half the time because part of him sees the world through rose colored glasses.

Seokjin dosent know how to reconcile what he knows he wants to happen and what the actuality of the world is. He wants to force the reader to get better but knows that’s wrong and only knows he wants to hold onto her and keep her safe- neglecting the fact that being safe is not the same thing as being happy

yoongi is being overprotective and over watchful not understanding how the readers perception of that behavior only makes her negative mindset worse. Namjoon is doing the same. I haven’t spent a lot of time on Jimins side of the story, but he too clings to her.

They’re all trying to help- but none of them are doing it in the right way- except for taehyung, which is the only part of the story I think that might seem like other conventional narratives of recovery. But what taehyung is trying to do is show her that intamacy, that letting them in and see her- and the parts of her that she views as worthless, won’t make them run and if she actual start to confide in them about her issues then they will know how to best go about supporting her.

The reader wants them to forget about her problems, the others kind of do a bad job of showing her that they can’t. all accept taehyung, who tries to make her understand that they can’t force her to be open or to get better, they can’t be mind readers, she has to want them to understand why she is the way she is before they figure out the best way to help her. She has to want to get better. They’re not going to magically wave their kpop hands and she’ll fall into their arms and suddenly love herself because they want her too. Getting better takes work.

What you said hurts me, but not because I can’t handle my work being criticized, but because I genuinely want to help people with the same issues I had in the past. Like I said before, I just wanted people to feel less alone and maybe I wanted to feel less alone. Maybe one of the reasons why it seems like it’s glamorizing it is because I haven’t shown her getting better yet- which I will, it’s just gonna take me a second to get there in the story I promise.

If you honestly had a problem with any part in butterfly part two, or part one, I would love it if you sent me the part and told me why it wasn’t okay, so that I can change it and make it not glamorize self-harm.

Also to the other people who are reading this and are really concerned about me and my well being, know that I’m okay now, I’m more okay than I’ve been since I was like 11 years old? You don’t have to worry about me. Like at all. I would have just deleted this message if I thought I wasn’t okay and couldn’t handle the criticism.

#the cheeks on the hobi gif almost make me feel better about opening up like this.

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