#but the issue is my anxiety... it's really really fuckin bad

[orcelito]

Salty bitch in me sooooo satisfied by the fact that I probably make more money than the person who made my life hell last year lmfaooooo

#speculation nation #chatting with a coworker about how they ended up seeing her by chance #and she Asked about me. she seemed so preoccupied with me Specifically it seems! #and she apparently mentioned how shed consider coming back here and im just loke #lmfaoooooo girl im in charge of the hiring now and there is no WAY id hire her back #even without the personal grievances. she just caused some Real problems. like hell id accept her back. #but also she was a total BITCH to me. like really fucking nasty. and yeah maybe im still holding a grudge about it! #im a chill person but when someone makes me cry that hard for that long TWICE #yeah fuckin right id hire you back. keep dreaming. #anyways ive just been hanging out at work and chatting Whoops hfkshfj #my shift ended an hour and a half ago. i really should be going home soon. #the good news is i should be able to secure the lease renewal for only $40 more than the original renewal offer #the bad news is they havent replied since sending that which means its not in writing yet #WHICH MEANS the showing is still on for tomorrow. ugh. #which means i need to clean. blegh. #i guess having the pressure to clean isnt the worst but i really dont wanna lmaooo #at least i do have tomorrow off. i can make it work... #but yea my anxiety is a lot more manageable now. tempered by the satisfaction of being better paid than an old enemy #IT'S KIND OF FUNNY to call her that but she kind of is. it was mostly 1 sided bc she took issue with Me #i was fine being friendly work acquaintances but noooo she had to go and make my life fucking hell for several months #the social atmosphere has changed man. im not letting a snake back in. #im a nice person but i am a Resentful person. if youve wronged me i am never fucking forgetting. #but yeah i make more money than her ❤️ yay ❤️

[dredshirtroberts]

never doubt the power of the OBX Gender Euphoria Hoodie of Swagness: it doesn't eliminate the sensory issues i've got from the tape on the electrodes but it sure does make me feel less like i want to tear every inch of skin off 10/10 can recommend.

#i put it on and like 8 of the 7 different issues i was having were eliminated immediately #shhh don't look at the numbers it's fine don't worry about it #i'm actively going through an Anxiety Event so bad it made me take a knee when we got home which is yknow unusual #and considering i'm hooked up to a heart monitor today i really kind of need to not be having abnormal heart events actually #i mean i can but like i'm not like... i want it to be indicative of my Usual Daily Activities and i'm just not very active most days #because of the horrors mostly #i'm just not sure if i need to mark every time i'm Super Aware of my heartbeat or not because i don't know if i'm just always too aware #and it's just doing Normal Heart Things or if i'm having a thing and going ''oh yeah that's a normal heart thing i'm sure of it'' #because i don't know the difference! this is very fun (: (smiely face flown upside down to show distress) #if the tape didn't itch so fuckin' bad i would probably forget i was wearing the thing #but alas my own personal hell where my skin is So Sensitive To This One Thing In Particular and it's in all the most sensitive places #for the first time ever though someone actually gave me advice on how to fix it #which is to wash the residual stickies off and then put on anti-itch cream like!!!! #if it works i'm gonna be so ecstatic cause i fuckin' cannot stand that sometimes the bandaid rash is worse than the initial thing #that i put the bandaid on for #anywa stay salty obx hoodie of gender is the best hoodie and i am so glad i spent tourist money for it #well worth the expense for what i'm getting out of the experience

[caligvlasaqvarivm]

Has anyone asked you about erisol?

If no, then what's your opinion on them! :-)

I feel like people will be upset at me for this, but a completely platonic and completely lukewarm mutual dislike... they don't really like each other, but take no great issue with each other either. The boys are not fightingggg

So like. A common thing in fandoms is taking things at face value and not really reading any deeper into them. You see this a shitton with Eridan in general - lots of people take it 100% at face value that he's a casteist genocide liker, when it's pretty clear upon further examination that he's pretty much lying about being casteist and doesn't actually want to murder his friends. So, at face value, Eridan hates Sollux, and either wants to do spadesies with him, or go ashen with him. And so this has become a really popular ship, but the thing is... at basically every turn, the story kind of goes out of its way to point out that there's actually nothing between them. At least romantically.

See, Eridan does not actually hate Sollux, at least not to the level of pitch/ashen. TWICE before Sollux and Feferi start hanging out all the time, we see Eridan commenting on Sollux in a fairly neutral-negative way - the first time calling him "a drama machine" and noting that "it is fuckin pathetic," and the second time as "the dead guy who saved [Feferi]". And let's be clear about the former, Eridan is just kind of Like That, he's rude as fuck even about people he LIKES (calling his BFF Karkat an "assblood" and sarcastically referring to Feferi by her royal titles), so that's actually one of the less nasty things he's said about someone.

Meanwhile, on Sollux's end, he LITERALLY says "not interested" to what he perceives as pitch/ashen advances from Eridan. Like, actually just says those words out loud. Not even in a pesterlog, he actually just says those words with his mouth.

So it seems to me that there's a pretty clear case to be made here that Eridan and Sollux kind of just... don't really give a shit about each other, and probably wouldn't have interacted in any substantial way if not for Feferi's involvement. Especially because Eridan's chosen method of hitting on Sollux is with casteism, something he's already faking in the first place.

If we really want to dig into this, though, it's kind of - in my eyes - a lukewarm case of the hedgehog dilemma. They're a bit too similar, and it winds up causing them both mild pain to get too close.

They're both nihilists that kind of hate themselves. Sollux's mutated brain causes him a not-insignificant amount of discomfort, his visions of the future and of the "imminently doomed" have made him lose a lot of hope, and he blames himself for killing Aradia, something so painful that he didn't tell anyone else she died, to the point where most of the team - including Terezi and Tavros - had to find out after entering the game. Meanwhile, Eridan struggles with the perceived inevitability of a lifestyle that causes him nothing but distress, and his constant, overwhelming anxiety about it leads to constant stressing over whether or not he's "good enough"; whenever he's in severe emotional distress, he starts beating up on himself.

They also both front at being more okay with their problems than they actually are. Sollux has his 1337 hacker, two cool for you persona that he puts on, and Eridan is always trying to be the big bad sea dweller. For example, Sollux goes "I'm not trolling the humans, it's beneath me," but he's in Jade's trollslum, so the implication there is that he totally did try trolling, it went badly for him, and now he's pretending that he was always better than that. And I don't think I need to tell you how hard Eridan works to try and present himself as badass and scary and totally not deep in the throes of emotional anguish at all times.

And these are the similarities that ultimately make Erisolsprite so stable. Erisolsprite speculates that maybe the reason he hasn't exploded yet is that deep down, he loves to suffer. The truth is, there's nothing between the two that's really so objectionable that they would ACTUALLY hate each other; Eridan isn't actually casteist, and Eridan never really hated Sollux in the first place.

Neither would they bring each other any comfort or joy - Eridan doesn't have any sympathy for Sollux's baggage, since, like, what, he only killed ONE person, and was even under mind control, so it's not like it was really his fault. He's a drama machine. And Sollux wouldn't have sympathy for Eridan's problems, partially because they manifest in such cringeworthy, embarrassing ways (and Sollux is highly sensitive to not being cringe, seeing as he's always commenting on other people being embarrassing or overly earnest), and partially because - I mean, fuck it, he's a rich-ass sea dweller who doesn't need to worry about being harvested to be a battery for a living ship. And also he's an idiot.

That's kind of what their relationship is to me, you know? A tepid and lukewarm dislike. They're just similar enough to each other to understand the other, and just different enough to be like "ugh, but that guy suuuuuuuucks". It's very funny, but not really a ship, hahaha.

So what you really get from that is two guys that just kind of dislike each other. Not vehemently or diametrically enough for pitch or ashen, and not a trace of the requisite pity for flushed or pale. When you throw the two together into one sprite, it won't shut up about how much it hates itself, how each part of itself is flabberghasted by the other, and how much practically the only reason it doesn't explode is a resounding "meh."

Eridan likes to validate his despair; ironically, since it's all he's ever known, it's where he feels comfortable - and nobody would provide better doomscrolling material than the doom player. Similarly, Sollux likes to torment himself, suffering his guilt in silence, and Eridan has SO MUCH to feel guilty over. Combine them into one entity, and you have a guy who can reach SUCH levels of revelling in his own misery, you don't even KNOW.

Not that it's healthy or positive for either of them... just that it would be incredibly stable. It's their worst tendencies being satisfied by each other. Maybe that's a form of leprechaun romance, but it's certainly not a quadrant.

#homestuck #eridan ampora #sollux captor #admittedly sollux is one of the trolls i'm still working on grasping #and this post should also in no way be taken as 'stop shipping them' because idfc #ship what you want who cares hussie has already been driven away with jeering and sneering #i just was always kind of fascinated by the endurance of the ship #despite pretty much every piece of canon involving these two pointing to the fact that they just. kind of dont like each other #but in a platonic way

[teaboot]

Did you ever read or have your name read aloud in class as part of a story/poem/math problem? If so how did you feel about it?

I can vividly remember reading ahead and spotting my name and feeling my stomach drop like it does on a roller coaster but bad. I hated it so much, everyone looking at you and grinning when the name was read and like no I have no affiliation with this person or their actions do not look upon me and judge.

*Asks are sent for fun, no pressure to answer within a certain amount of time or at all.*

different for different classes, honestly.

Art: Loved being called up in art, it was my best subject, I graduated early and volunteered to do grade 11 art again as a TA. Art was the best. No issues.

Math: Eh. I'm good at it, but I was REALLY BAD at it in school, mostly due to the way it was taught. Didn't really care, though, just sort of an "Ah fuck, better get this wrong fast so I can sit down again" deal.

English: LOVED the class, LOVED books, HATED reading aloud or reading my own work. One teacher I had would read whatever assignments she thought were done best, so I wrote garbage half the year on purpose. Didn't step it up until she told me I was failing and would have to retake the class, and then tested me on my own work cause the quality was suddenly better and she thought I was plagiarizing it from somewhere.

THEN I had a fucking English teacher who thought his ass was in Good Will Hunting or some shit. Like I was his goddamn charity project. Dude kept telling me I had "a really special talent". Every single class we'd have to bring our own short story and every single class he'd ask me if I wanted to read mine out loud and EVERY TIME I'd say no. Hearing people read theirs would give me anxiety attacks so fuckin bad. One day he didn't even ask, just took my work off my desk and started reading. I literally just stood up and booked it. Skipped p much the whole day sitting outside. "Do you wanna talk sbout your feelings" type asshole. Dickhead

I enjoy all these subjects MUCH more as an adult

Edit: OOOOOH, you mean like having my name incorporated into a textbook? Nah, never happened to me, my name's too weird lol

#Teaboot asks

[t0ast-ghost]

Watching Star Trek TOS for the first time, and here are my thoughts on episode three (Charlie “X”)! (I didn’t do episode two cause I just wanted to watch it but I love Bones)

- so far I really like the kid

- Kirk shut up, let Charlie talk

- oh no he’s frightened by the door :(((

- girls do not look THAT different, getting some bad vibes from you Charlie

- BONES!!! (Why does he stand like that, it’s so curved)

- “I want people to like me” oh god they gave this boy anxiety

- He’s learning about the patriarchy, like Ken

- Kirk making Bones tell Charlie about puberty, he looked so defeated

- SPOCKS EYESHADOW!!!

- Charlie gets a Kirk assigned father, it’s not Kirk himself but he did assign Bones to do it, can’t you see the man is tired Jim?!?

- why is she being mean to Spock in verses? Nvm this is fun and he’s enjoying her singing

- HE SLAPPED KIRKS BUTT WHAT

- “there’s no right way to hit a woman.. you know man to man.. uhh… you understand, Charlie?” That was the worst way to try and explain anything, Kirk

- “I put meatloaf in the ovens, now there’s turkeys, real turkeys” then Charlie’s little laugh

- aww they’re playing chess together, normal husband activities

- “you smell like a girl” “I feel hungry… all over” back the fuck up Charlie

- stop trying to get Bones to explain stuff to him, Kirk

- this episode is just so icky, one issue is that they can’t just have an adult conversation and they can’t explain anything properly to him, they’re just telling him no and that he’s wrong. It’s a good example of how concealing information doesn’t allow people to find their own morals but instead creates a bunch of rules which can be easily broken if the person doesn’t believe in them because they don’t understand the logic behind them. (Not saying that the boundaries they’re setting for him are wrong, he just can’t understand them because they’re not explaining shit)

- SHUT UP SAM HE’S TRYING- oops Sam’s gone

- damn that German expressionist lighting tho, like something out of metropolis

- I FUCKIN DARE YOU KIRK, PICK HIM UP SEE WHAT HAPPENS

- okay Kirk saying it’s his choice is good cause at least he’s teaching him that these things he does are his own actions

- “short tempered, because he doesn’t understand” cause you won’t explain shit without mind games and metaphors

- Spock and Bones DO NOT want to get involved

- when Charlie’s explaining what he did to the Antares Bones looks absolutely terrified (Bones sitting like that on the table is… I have many thoughts)

- OH NO UHURA!

- Don’t you dare call Spock Mr. Ears

- “Teenager with supernatural abilities realizes his full potential and decides to use it for evil NOT CLICKBAIT”

- Why would you do that, why would you turn her into an iguana

- GET HIM!!! Wait no! Janice!

- “I love you” “you don’t know what that means” good for her, fuck you Charlie

- He gave Kirk period pain

- “cause you need me to run the ship, and I need him” Spirk? It’s more likely than you think

- this slide from Bones

- “I don’t think you can handle anymore, you’ve reached your limit” Spock and Bones start fucking shit up immediately for Kirk

- Kirk was so ready to punch a bitch

- nice fucking try Charlie- oh Kirk is defending him- nvm he still gets yoinked

- imagine if Charlie becomes Q lol (is that a thing? Are they related?)

- well that’s done now… where’s Scotty, Sulu, and Checkov? (Sulu appeared shirtless in the credits as I wrote that)

Thanks for sticking around again :)

Here’s a link to the first ramble

And all the other rambles

Below the cut is some thoughts I had on the second episode

Some thoughts on episode 2 (The Man Trap):

- it was kinda funny seeing Jim be like “she’s old as fuck, just like Bones”

- I didn’t realize that was where “he’s dead, Jim” came from and my dad quotes it all the time

- it was interesting that even the creature referred to themselves as an animal

- McCoy in the ending where he really didn’t want to kill somebody he loved even if they were just the image

- would not want to be the person to explain what happened to her to Bones

#Star Trek #star trek tos #tos #james kirk #captain james kirk #star trek kirk #spock #tos spock #star trek spock #nyota uhura #uhura #tos uhura #star trek uhura #bones mccoy #leonard bones mccoy #leonard mccoy #tos bones #star trek bones #charlie evans #janice rand

[anarchistartistvt]

honestly I think it’s pretty fucked up how much shit I got over my post.

“hey wait a second these Reddit discussions might be onto something-“ “YOU PEDO DEFENDER DELETE THE POST KILL YOURSELF GRAHHHHHH”

The shitty part is that I didn’t even actively seek out this info. my now ex was posting the Reddit shit in a discord server I owned, and I was like “wait whoa they might be onto something here”. Given it was already on Reddit I figured more people knew but god damn it was like I opened Pandora’s box.

Won’t say I didn’t fuck things up for myself and my friends. Someone tried to doxx my friend daenumao (unsuccessfully thank fuckin god), and I was too stubborn to delete the posts the minute things blew out of proportion. I thought I could handle it. I had gone through shit similar to this before, what with StickyBM trying to accuse me of a parasocial freak and Jordy claiming I doxxed them(only to find out it was their discord tag that got leaked). I thought I was doing the right thing. I knew how detrimentally destructive allegations could be, fake or not.

I sort of named my ex in there because I didn’t want to claim credit for what I had found. It wasn’t to throw her under the bus, and as soon as she asked me to delete the credit part, I did.

In a friend server I was in, I was being pinged about the situation nonstop. People were telling me to delete it, and it just felt like silencing me. I was getting harassed left and right. Someone started threatening me on tumblr(a platform I rarely used until now), people started bringing up fake or already resolved shit about me(had to clear that up on a fuckin Reddit thread), and basically everything started crumbling and falling apart.

Finally one of my friends pinged me and was like “delete the posts or I’m blocking you, don’t make me do this”. I had already set dms to friends only by that point, after hearing daenumao was being threatened. I got angry, unfriended her, and left the server. Shortly after, a couple friends sent messages saying they were cutting ties and to never contact them again. Then my girlfriend messaged me saying she was leaving me.

Right now I’m sort of trapped on what I can say without breaking boundaries of anyone. I never meant to invalidate the victims. At the time, my only intention was to raise awareness of “hey this is kinda inconclusive, you might wanna take a look at this”. I didn’t think it would blow up to the point I would get death threats and death wishes.

In a court of law, both sides are to share their experiences. The experience really just told me that the justice system of twitter is fucked beyond comprehension. The victims were quick to attack anyone who doubted their claims, and had no problem siccing their supporters onto anyone who didn’t fall in line. It honestly felt like I was being told, “SUPPORT THE VICTIMS OR DIE”. People are allowed to have doubts, and while I can understand where the victims were coming from, they didn’t care to show much proof denying some claims. One of the alleged victims even said “so many big names are supporting me so I’m right.” Bro what?

When I attempted suicide, it was for a lot of reasons. I have bad anxiety and getting attacked the way I was back there sent everything into overdrive. Not to mention losing about 95% of my friends over this crap. I was only on twitter mainly because I had friends there and would chat with them regularly. I don’t have many friends in real life and I’ve always been kind of a loner. So to see my support system fall apart over this, especially because I have HORRIBLE abandonment issues, fucked with my head.

I’m not happy as a person. I’ve been depressed for years and I’m not proud of it. I’ve been through more fucked up shit in my life than I can even begin to process. Growing up in a broken family, being treated like shit by my stepmother and put through so much abuse, flunking out of high school and falling through the cracks, running away at 19 and immediately being raped and molested by someone I saw like an older brother, being sexually and emotionally abused by an ex who blamed me for being raped, moving out of my aunts house only to be institutionalized from a suicide attempt 4 months later, being in the homeless system, being treated like shit by the government programs, being doxxed and swatted and harassed and had deepfakes made of me, possibly having a condition that means I’m likely to be dead from suicide by the age of 34, etc. Like, I’ve genuinely been through hell and back and a lot of people know it. Maybe more people than I should be telling.

I tend to over share, I vent too much, I go into slumps quickly, and overall I’m a fucking mess mentally. I had gone into a bad psychotic breakdown last week due to trauma and a bad reaction to new meds, so my mental state wasn’t exactly the best when this shit even started. By this point I was already having a sinking feeling that my girlfriend was planning on leaving me, and then a few days later she hit her breaking point.

When I typed up that final post, I genuinely didn’t know if I wanted to keep living. Hearing someone I was close to saying “you better stay alive because you deserve to live with what you did” was horrifying.

I’m a coward, without a doubt. I wanted out. But not from just this. I wanted out from everything. The few people who I was close to, or even people who had tolerated me to an extent, had basically told me to go fuck myself. It quite literally felt like I had lost everything.

I got ahold of some Tylenol and started filling up the bathtub. I had planned to overdose in the tub, hoping that if I went into a seizure from the medication, being submerged in water would limit the chances of me pulling out of said seizure. I’ve only attempted a few times in my life, so you can’t bash me too hard for not knowing how to do it.

As I started undressing, my iPad started ringing with a FaceTime audio call. It was my dad.

Somehow the situation found its way to him and he reached out to check on me. I don’t know if one of my friends contacted him, if he was already monitoring my accounts, or if it had just blown up that badly that even he(someone who doesn’t use twitter or own an account) had seen it. I tried to sound normal because it’s pretty rare for him to call me, but when he started bringing up what he saw, I broke down sobbing.

I explained everything to him, that I just wanted to help, and that I thought I was doing the right thing, and he told me to limit my social media exposure, because of how unhealthy it was becoming for me. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone with my actions. I worded things wrong and handled it badly, and I will wholeheartedly apologize for that. He explained to me that it was good that I wanted to do the right thing, but it wasn’t good to screw over my own mental health over this shit. He advised me to limit my social media usage to only those I could trust.(scary thing is, I didn’t know who all I COULD trust)While on call, I tried to deactivate my account but couldn’t because I forgot my fuckin password. All I could do is private my account and go dormant.

A few people reached out in Twitter dms and I spoke with many of them. They were extremely kind and supportive, and redirected me to the Mandela Catalogue Reddit forum, where I was welcomed in. I’ve been staying there, as well as occasionally posting on Tumblr. I’m scared to even touch my Twitter account with a 10 ft pole, and discord interactions have been next to none. I considered rebranding but I didn’t want to feel like I was trying to sneak my way out of accountability. I was just threatened and bashed so fuckin much that I didn’t feel safe interacting as myself, Anarchist Artist.

A bunch of people were screaming at me for linking Reddit threads and saying “YOU CANT TRUST REDDIT ITS FULL OF LIES” you’re literally using twitter which is probably WORSE when it comes to misinformation.

I never intended to fall down this rabbit hole of who’s right or who’s wrong. I will apologize for how I handled things and how I worded my post, but I will not apologize for speaking up about a story full of holes. For the victims to bully someone into submission is not mature or appropriate, and they should be held accountable as such. I have no intention of clearing my name, I have no intention to regain my friends or close ones, and I have no intention of saying “HA HA I TOLD YOU SO”. I just want shit to go back to even a slight semblance of normalcy.

Even if the victims’ stories are truthful to an extent, they way they have approached all of this is horrible and I’m upset that they endorsed harassing anyone who didn’t fall in line.

I’ll be here for now, but won’t post much. Everything is still a mess and I’m still concerned for my safety.

[mynameisnotsoda]

I'm probably gonna be yelling into the void but here's my refs of my favorite burs !!!! I would say bursonas but one of them is literally just my au,,,, can you tell which one it is,,

Anyway here's some hcs and stuff it's gonna be a long post LMAO I'm just copying all this stuff from Instagram cause I practically live on that shit ass app

Simpbur

He LOVES Hatsune Miku.. like LOVE LOVES HER. He owns so much fuckin merch it's actually insane. But he has never once in his life listened to vocaloid and probably never will. Hes just in love with Miku LMAO

He's aromantic bc I said so !!!!! But he doesn't know that, he hasn't really figured it out and he confuses his obsession with love.

Him and Jared actually used to be friends back when they were like middle schoolers. But then Jared got "hot and cool" and he kinda drifted away from Simp. Mostly cause Simp was SO FUCKING JEALOUS!!!!! and it was obvious too. Imagine how devastated he was when egirl started dating his old friend lmaooo what a loser

Him and e-girl started dating when they were 17, both of them were in pretty bad places in their lives so they just,,, clung onto each other. Both of them were codependent but Simp was significantly worse with his codependency. Adrianne (my name for e-girl) was the one who broke it off when they were both in their early 20s

His stupid little cat beanie is his comfort item !!!! He wears it ALL THE TIME and hates having to take it off, although he would never go out in public with it. He's got some issues with presenting the way he wants to in public so he literally just goes out in his work uniform regardless if he's working or not

Grabs him and aggressively shakes him around !!! Hes autistic (I'm autistic I can give him the tism) his special interests are anime and video games :33

He's definitely not cishet but he tries SOOO hard to present as such (shout-out to @starrixle for that hc ive adopted it for my version of simp)

Studentbur

He's bi but heavily in denial like DEEP DEEP in denial

He HATES being tall !!! He wishes he was shorter because his height makes him stand out a lot and that's the LAST thing he wants

He prays literally every night before bed. Mostly asking for forgiveness (which he shouldnt have to ask for) because he thinks he's a horrible person just for being himself

He CLINGS onto Charlie, they're not like super close friends or anything but he LOVES Charlie. He looks up to Charlie a lot and WISHES he had his confidence and sense of self :')

He doesn't like Tommy, he thinks Tommy's too loud and disrespectful and hates how much attention he attracts. So he tends to just avoid him even if they're in the same classes

He absolutely regrets smoking with Bill and Ranboo but he also feels INCREDIBLY GUILTY for wanting to do it again (because he actually had fun and was able to relax for a moment)

He LOVES emo rock, indie, modern rock and other similar genres. His parents are really strict so he has to listen to his music in secret and ALWAYS has his earbuds on him, its a comfort item too. His three favorite bands are MCR, Ghost and Radiohead :]

The only game he was ever allowed to play was and still is Minecraft. He LOVES Minecraft but at the same time he desperately wishes to be able to play other games

He fucking LOVES GOING TO PUBLIC SCHOOL !!!!! he used to be in a Christian school but it gave him so much anxiety he was physically ill every single day and he just couldn't take it anymore!!!! To his surprise his parents actually agreed to let him go to public school during his sophomore year and he's been there ever since (now hes a senior)

Charlie is really his only friend, he's tried talking to other kids but he's horribly awkward and socially inept. Charlie basically adopted him and takes care of him like a brother !!!! Even if they're not super close Charlie's always looking out for him and tries to include him with his friends even tho Stu declines most the time :((

Keith Smith

HIS WIFE LEFT HIM AND TOOK THE KIDS TOO 😭😭😭 he's still trying to find her but he's slowly losing hope and he's really considering just giving up

He's basically the "king" of the end, even though he's not actually the ruler, it was his wife. But since she's GONE he basically had to take her place, until he finds a new wife or convinces her to come back if he ever found her (the end is a matriarchy)

He's kind of insufferable why do you think his wife left him

He has two kids, Lune (pronounced like loon) and Sunny. He LOVES his kids and is actually a really great dad despite being kind of an ass and fucking annoying. He misses them a lot and it breaks his heart that he might not be able to see them ever again

Dr. Malpractice

He's a geneticist specifically experimenting with mob/human hybrids.

His experiments are NOT ETHICAL AT ALL!!! He does whatever tf he wants whenever he wants. His only healthy, surviving test subjects are Phil (enderman), Tommy (spider), Charlie (creeper) and Quackity (duck). (He also experiments on my sona,, that I added for funsies,, but they weren't created by him he just happened to find them one day more on that later)

He's actually trying to make humans more powerful in a way, because they're the weakest humanoid species of them all. He wants to "save" humanity from their own biological inferiority and doesn't care how long it takes or how much damage he causes to others so long as he reaches his goal. Because he's fucking delusional and thinks he's doing something good

He even experimented on his kid, Fundy, and he didn't make it. He has a,,, complicated relationship with what happened to Fundy. On one hand the guilt eats away at him constantly, on the other he brushes it off as just another failed experiment since in the long run,, the ends justify the means in his mind

So far his deceased test subjects include Fundy, Niki, George, and Toby (Tubbo). His only escaped subject was Randy (Ranboo) and he's so fucking paranoid that somehow he'd be able to get the authorities to stop his experiments. But it's been months since Ran escaped and nothing's happened so he isn't AS paranoid anymore, but he still worries about it

He names all the test subjects himself, it's easier for him to remember than numbers because he has dyscalculia funnily enough

All the test subjects were made in his lab with stolen DNA so he didn't have to use his own. He basically grew them in tubes and used a rapid growth serum in the tanks to make everyone adult sized since it was easier to run tests that way. He accidentally left Phil cookin for too long so he's the oldest out of everyone LMAO (except for Dr mal himself, he's 37)

Ok so onto the cringe part !!!! cSoda is a shapeshifter, shapeshifters are VERY rare and often hide themselves because they're very sought after to hunt for sport or used for various reasons. They're basically "born" from the planet itself, they grow in pockets underground for many years and kinda just pop up when they're ready. (Think of like. Steven Universe gems but organic) cSoda is erm undercooked let's say LMAO because they popped up early in their development they're basically defective. They age (albeit slowly), their body scars, they can't regrow limbs properly, their shapeshifting is limited to only animals/people they've SEEN before and they are incredibly naive and have a harder time understanding/learning about the world.

Dr. Mal found cSoda (no idea how yet) and he normally wouldn't have cared but he saw their shapeshifting and immediately decided to "take them in". He takes advantage of their naivety and basically brainwashed them into thinking he cares for them. cSoda presents as a dog (more lore I don't feel like getting into rn) so they have the personality traits of one as well, very loyal and loving and INCREDIBLY affectionate. Which Dr Mal HATES.

If it weren't for the fact that cSoda is more useful to him while alive he probably would've just killed them because he's CONSTANTLY annoyed and irritated by them LMAO he wants to be able to replicate their shapeshifting and hopes that it might be able to help him achieve his goal

c!Wilbur

He fucking LOVES working the burger van with Ranboo, it gives him something to do and he actually enjoys spending time with them even after initially not really liking them. He thinks Ranboo is SO interesting and loves to analyze everything he says and does pFF

HE FUCKING. APOLOGIZED TO TOMMY!!!!! FOR EVERYTHING !!! HE WANTS TO DO AND BE BETTER FOR HIM AND HAVE A BETTER RELATIONSHIP!!!! HE LOVES HIS BROTHER SO MUCH AND IS TRYING TO BE BETTER AT SHOWING THAT RAAHH

He fucking REEKS no matter how much he showers or uses deodorant. It'll help with the intensity of the smell but he just reeks of death bc he was rotting !!!! he also smells like cigarettes and alcohol which does mask the rot and is actually preferable by most people (especially Quackity, who's VERY vocal about how much Wilbur stinks)

Tinybur

He's REALLY clingy, like he NEEDS someone to be holding him at all times. Normally it's Tommy (who's so obviously his favorite even tho he denies it)

It doesn't remember being human for the most part but he does miss it, especially being a normal height

He HATES when people baby him, he's a grown man who just happens to be child sized. If you talk down to him he WILL be an asshole

It was surprised when people started referring to him as an "it" but he kinda liked it !! It doesn't have the same feelings about its gender since becoming a doll and he thinks it's kinda weird but cool at the same time. It really is just vibin

It's voice is high pitched and he kinda hates it, its gotten used to it but it doesnt really like how its voice changed

Animatronic!Wilbur

He's so fucking annoying and is always flirting with parents for whatever reason. He fucking LOVES if they get flustered too it boosts his ego

He's SOO jealous of Ranboo its kind of embarrassing. He thinks he should be the lead singer and mascot but doesn't vocalize it, although he does make it painfully obvious

He's the lead guitarist and back up vocalist in the band (Tommy plays keytar, Ranboo is lead singer and James is the bassist)

He's actually really fucking insecure despite being a fan favorite. One time someone left their phone and it didn't have a password so he was able to use the internet which was. A mistake. He's seen the horrors of the Beloved Ent. Fandom and he thinks people only like him because he was made to be the "attractive one" and not because he actually has anything of substance.

He fucking HATES Schlatt with a passion, so he avoids the bowling alley entirely now. Jimmy (solidarity) used to be the bowling mascot but he was too fragile and a push over with guests so they replaced him with Schlatt. Who's nice enough to guests but does have a bit of a temper and doesn't take ANYONES bullshit. Wilbur was actually really close with Jimmy and he misses him terribly :(

Can you tell who I have more brainrot for LMAO

#bursonas #bursona #simpbur #tommyinnit mod videos #keith the dragon #c wilbur #revivebur #mcyt au #dr malpractice #studentbur #keith smith #sodapoppys ramblings

[celestie0]

Idk if this is weird to ask but can you tell more about your situationship?😭 I’m curious since it inspired the story idkkk

nooo not weird at all haha, i had plans to share more ab it once i was done w kickoff but i dont really mind sharing a bit now (will literally always take up any chance to talk ab it it’s an impulse i cannot resist)

basically i met this guy like halfway through my freshman year of college at a frat event, it was a bit different from kickoff dynamic in that we started hooking up pretty soon after that, just a casual thing, but then the pandemic hit and so he went back home to live w his grandpa/family in new york (i live in cali) once campus shut down and stuff. obviously we couldn’t hook up anymore LMFAO but we still talked a lot and i think it was during this time of just talking to one another that i really started to catch massive feelings for him :”)

i went through some bad anxiety during covid, struggling a lot w my career and if i still wanted to pursue the things i thought i wanted (i think a lot of college students went through this w the pandooski) but he would always be there for me and would stay on facetime calls w me if i was struggling to study, he’d cheer me up w pics of his tibetan dogs lol, just reallyyy sweet ugh when we were long distance i rly saw a side of him i didn’t before and i think that’s what made me fall for him

i confessed to him first, similar to reader in kickoff, n told him we could do long distance until he moved back here. but then he hit me with the “i’m sorry, i can’t date you, i’ve got commitment issues”. in his case, he had a long-term girlfriend in high school for four years who he also was dating into college (before he met me), but he found out she had been cheating on him for a long time w not just one but multiple of his friends 😭 so..he said he has really bad trust issues, and that he really wanted to try to date me, but he just felt like he couldn’t

i was really hurt, obviously, but i think in hindsight maybe it was a responsible decision on his part to not throw me into a mess of a relationship w him, one he knew he wasn’t ready for. but at the time, i just thought that it was bc i wasn’t good enough to change his mind. anyways, he asked if we could still talk and be friends, and i said sure bc i didn’t really want to lose him. i figured i could just wait for him (and i told him that i would)

yeahhh well the waiting was way more fucking painful than i thought. he flew to cali once to visit me when flights were sort of resuming, which is just fucking insane because you’ll fly to see me but you won’t date me 😭, and i told him that it’d be the last time he ever sees me! and it was :”) maybe it was an impulsive decision by me, but idk. yknow when you get stuck in a limbo for what feels like forever that you make a decision just for the sake of making one (it was such a short amt of time in reality, but it felt like forever) he made a comment to me in our last conversation about how he really wished he didn’t have to be someone i had to wait on to change, and that really fuckin stuck w me lmao i cried so hard the drive home from the airport. i think all the “what-ifs” kinda sunk in at that moment

ch7 of kickoff was basically me trying to get inside the head of the guy from my situationship, and see what it’s like to have fears hold you back from wanting to experience something for yourself, something that could be beautiful if you would just give it a chance. i felt like if i wrote it from that angle, i’d have more understanding of my situationship (i dont have commitment issues myself, tbh i’ve never rlly understood the concept. like, i’ve been fucked over by ppl in my life too but i’m never one to punish the next person for it. dealing w my situationship was really hard because of this, i would get really frustrated, but writing ch7 from gojo’s character’s perspective made situationship guy’s feelings make more sense to me, i think, there was a sense of closure in that)

but anyways, i was in love w him for sure. like, possibly infatuated. there was a time where we got into a big argument about something and i think i legit i cried myself into a fever 💀 it was all so crazy and powerful, the feelings, i’ve been involved w other guys since but of course none of it really compares. idk, i guess there are just some people that can make you feel that way, there’s really no use in understanding why.

this sounds so sappy, lmaoo i swear i truly am “over” him in that i hardly think of him that much anymore, n tbh i don’t think of him specifically all that much while i’m writing kickoff, but there are moments where i can’t help but bring those feelings into the story.

there’s a line in ch8, near the end of the bed scene, where reader has a thought like

“You feel so safe with him, and yet you also feel scared, because you like him so much that you would let him ruin you if he wanted to.”

yeah. that’s basically how i felt about him.

#damn sorry this is long asf #kickoff #kickoff backstory #asks #anon

[namusthetic]

The Weird Relatives at the Family Reunion

Half the rumors at the dining table involve them, but they attend family reunions just to cause drama. Their alliance still stands, and gets stronger each gathering.

No.1 - The Chaotic

Is made 70% out of anger issues and 30% out of spite

Does not care about people's opinions and judgement

Has no patience

Mom friend, scolds you first and then takes care of you anyway

Has their life organized, knows what they want

Only listens to a few selected people whom they trust

Devours sexists for breakfast

Their resistance to caffeine is the same as that of a 5-year-old to sugar

"Bold of you to assume I've reached my peak of dumbass"

Avoids physical touch

Their love language is food giving / cooking

A public danger when driving (and in general)

Eats cereals from the box

Falls completely silent when angry

Probably made a deal with the devil for clear skin

Hates the government with a passion

Listens to hard rock, metal and techno, not necessarily in this order

Helps children with mischievous plans

Ready to throw hands and chew people out if someone is getting bullied

Slapstick humor

Plots new, fun ways of causing mayhem

Catchphrase: "Improvise, attack, overcome."

Playlist:

Don't Stop Me Now by Queen

Istanbul (Not Constantinople) by They Might Be Giants

all the good girls go to hell by Billie Eilish

Cigarette Ahegao by Penelope Scott

LA ESPADA by Eternal Raijin

Scopin by Kordhell

Besos I by Bo Burnham

Supermassive Black Hole by Muse

My Ordinary Life by The Living Tombstone

Maneater by Nelly Furtado

spy? by WHOKILLEDXIX

Let's Groove by Earth, Wind & Fire

No.2 - The Neutral

Always looks half asleep or annoyed or both

Sarcasm and dark humor

Done with everyone's shit

"save the bees, punch a racist"

comes off as kind and easy-going, but would watch the world burn and not bat an eye

Is inclined to tollerate you better if you offer them coffee or cookies or if you start talking about books

Will cover for you if they like you, tell on you if they don't, you'll never know which one it is until the last second

They'll sit down in a spot away from the family chaos to either ignore or judge everyone

Has a keen eye for body language and nonverbal communication

Bad at managing anxiety and stress

"binarism is for computers, do I look like a fuckin MacBook to you?"

Says they don't like kids but carries candy in their pockets for their nephews

Commitment and trust issues

Starts yelling when they get really mad

Their love languages are acts of service and quality time

Not easy to impress, unless you start the conversation quoting Shakespeare or Dante

Passive aggressive

Listens to literally anything except country music

Hates parents who don't take their children seriously, so they're always ready to lend a ear and give advice

Helps no. 1 plotting by giving technical details and suggestions

Catchphrase: "Oh, I haven't told them good morning simply because I don't think they deserve one"

Playlist:

These Times by Far Caspian

Treehouse by Alex G, Emily Yacina

Tired by beabadoobee

Summer Child by Conan Gray

Young by Vacations

Fourth of July by Sufjan Stevens

Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now by The Smiths

The Adults Are Talking by The Strokes

O Children by Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds

Sex, Drugs, Etc. by Beach Weather

Bitter Taste by Billy Idol

Obstacles by Syd Matters

No.3 - The Lawful

Sensitive, must protect

Love languages are words of affirmation and physical touch

Cannot cook for the life of them

Made of sunshine and rainbows

"Please, assume I have dignity"

Sweet but awkward

Wears sunglasses to hide the eye bags

Always rushing somewhere

Loves children

Takes things personally and thus gets hurt too often

Quotes cringy positivity lines

Hard working

Always brings something to eat

Is actually the most insecure about themselves and their body

No.1 and no.2 are ready to physically fight anyone who is mean to them

Cheers you up and has your back

Ready to forgive and forget, rarely blames people for stuff

Too willing to give second chances

Gives stern scoldings if they're mad

When something goes wrong they take it badly and get really sad

A cinnamon roll inside and outside

Knows how to play several instrument so they sing and play for children

Tries to keep no.1 and no.2 from achieving world domination

Catchphrase: "Even if the world is big, you're enough for it"

Playlist:

El Mismo Sol by Alvaro Soler

Brazil by Declan McKenna

OUR SUMMER by TXT

Baby I'm Yours by Arctic Monkeys

Hey Lover! by Wabie

Watermelon Sugar by Harry Styles

NIGHT DANCER by imase

HOME by BTS

Love Grows (Where My Rosemary Goes) by Edison Lighthouse

Bossa No Sé by Cuco ft. Jean Carter

Swing Lynn by Harmless

Promise by Jimin

#moodboard #aestethic #character aesthetics #types of people #tag your aesthetic #character concept #tag yourself #song suggestions #playlist #chaotic #lawful #neutral

[vvindication]

22, 23, and 45 for whoever you wanna talk about !!!!

OMG HI MINTT thank you so much I owe you my life :] these are fuckin fun questions I'm gonna torment my little guy Travart abt it.

you didn't rb the asks post would you like some questions in return :3?

FUCK TUMBLR MOBILE THIS POSTED EARLY. HOLD ON

22. do they have a fear they want to conquer, but haven't yet?

this is a fun question for him because I've actually been poking at that idea in my wips recently ... he's "technically" conquered his fear of being judged by his peers but it isn't even true. he actually just got better at being sneaky with being a hopeless bisexual in homophobia capital Revachol

his whole involvement with Antonin was a lot more public than he ever wanted or realized it would be so being investigated by the RCM over it spooked him pretty bad. doesn't stop him from a situationship with Harry but it's because he's got that chronic Savior Complex. being with him is something he hides so hard that when the dude gets amnesia he just pretends like it never happened 💖

shit is ruining his life basically he needs to quit being a pig NOW !!!!!!

23. how do they show fear? sweating, shaking, blankness, anger, etc?

Vincent has the most obvious fear responses it's honestly pathetic. guy who always jumps at sudden noises like a cat, every single time. guy who's literally scared of the dark. he's already bad with mundane scary things by getting quiet staring around wide-eyed while hugging himself but he doesn't have a fight or flight he just freezes. he would die in a firefight. (almost does).

anxiety also makes him shake like a leaf, can't forget that. I'd say that's a bit separate to general fear bc it involves him getting really emotionally worked up over things that are a non-issue

45. what's their dream job / profession? do they have one?

AUGH THIS ONE MEANS SO MUCH TO ME ... he hates working for the RCM regrets joining every day of his life but he really really does want to help people. he would be a perfect first responder if he could ease up on the freeze response a bit but it could also ruin his life with how little the coalition actually does to help people structurally. debatable. either way he would be happiest helping people with those he loves at his side

#vvin babbles #vincent travart

[ayadoesart42]

Hey I just got diagnosed with anxiety and depression let’s talk about Hypmic character’s mental health

Ichiro: He has trauma around his relationship with Jiro and Saburo and is very aware of how his little brothers see him but probably nothin severe maybe a little ptsd when his bros are in danger

Jiro: Jiro really SHOULD have some bad ptsd from being kidnapped and threatened and beaten up but he seems fine sooooooo?

Saburo: ✨social anxiety✨

Samatoki: Extreme ptsd and abandonment issues and probably also depression but he ain’t never getting help for that he’s Mr.Hardcore

Jyuto: Nah

Riou: Bro should also have extreme war ptsd maybe that’s why he’s so stoic and emotionally removed

Ramada: Uhhhhhhhh questionable he’s not human so idk what he’s capable of feeling but probably depression from deez women also the fact that he acts really fuckin depressed

Gentaro: ✨you are not a writer if you are not depressed/j/lh✨

Dice: Man he’s a wild card I really don’t know

Jakurai: ✨Depression and war ptsd✨

Hifumi: ✨PTSD✨ from Honobono

Doppo: ✨Depression✨ from job probably needs antidepressants definitely also ✨anxiety ✨

Sasara: ✨you are not a comedian if you are not depressed/j/lh✨

Rosho: Anxiety

Rei: Nah

Kuukou: Nah he’s pretty mentally stable except the occasion teenage mood swing but he’s an angst teen what do you expect (says me the angsty teen 💀💀💀)

Jyushi: Depression and anxiety

Hitoya: ………………………………..………………………………..……………………………….. depression but don’t tell anyone it might hurt his masculinity

Hi please don’t hurt me I am at an all time low in dopamine if anyone has any hc requests I will do them I don’t care how stupid they are I’ll do spirit animals or skin care or something 🥲

Take care of yourself and do what makes you happy! I am such a hypocrite rn but being depressed fucking sucks and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemies so I hope you all happiness ❤️

#anime #hypmic #hypnosis mic #samatoki aohitsugi #sasara nurude #ichiro yamada #jiro yamada #saburo yamada #jyuto iruma #riou mason busujima #ramuda amemura #gentaro yumeno #dice arisugawa #jakurai jinguji #hifumi izanami #doppo kannonzaka #rosho tsutsujimori #amayado rei #kuko harai #jyushi aimono #hitoya amaguni #anxiety and depression

[sortofanobsession]

Roy/Jamie prompt: Everyone goes crazy when Zava invites them to his house for a “Wellness Gathering". Everyone goes but Jaime. Fed up with his "attitude" Roy goes to Jamie's and confronts him. Instead of getting angry Jamie just deflates and looks incredibly sad. " Happy fookin' birthday to me then." He says actually tearing up before he shuts the door in Roy's face. Roy can only go back to Zava's in a daze and reveal this massive screw up. Everyone is guilty, even Zava. Can they fix this?

A/N: I wanted to get this out today so bad I neglected doing my actual job, but that's not as bad as it sounds. I have all day tomorrow to do it. But I loved this prompt.

I changed one thing. Roy starts out dazed but then gets very angry very fast. But hopefully I hit every other note right. And I snuck in some Roy/Jamie at the end because my shipper heart doesn't know how to NOT write that.

Ao3

Ted Lasso Masterlist

Word count: 6k+

Paring(like last time): Roy Kent/Jamie Tartt, Roy & Keeley (platonic), Jamie & Keeley (Platonic), the afc Richmond himbos being themselves.

Content warning: neglect, self-esteem issues based in years of abuse and neglect, anger, swearing, angst/comfort, depression, anxiety, exhaustion

The team forgets, but twitter doesn't

Zava had invited the whole team over for a wellness gathering. Roy would rather punch himself in the face than go, but Ted had said it would be good for the team, like some team bonding shit. When Jamie didn't show up, Roy was pissed. If he had to sit through this, so did that little prick. Jamie had wanted back on this team. He should be acting like it. Not acting like a baby that just had his favorite toy taken from him. Fucking childish, even by Tartt's standards. He needed an attitude adjustment, and it seemed Roy was going to have to do it because clearly, Ted wasn't going to. So he left the team and went to Jamie's flat. He pounded on Jamie's door until he answered. 

"Thought you were all about being a team player. The fuck is wrong with you?" Roy asks as soon as Jamie opens the door. He doesn't even really look at Jamie until after he does. "Too busy for team bonding now or just too good for it?"

Roy didn't know what he had been expecting, a snarky comeback, a half-meant apology maybe, but not the reaction he got. Jamie seemed to curl in on himself. 

"Happy fuckin' birthday to me," Jamie mutters with a sniffle. Roy is horrified to see tears not only in Jamie's eyes but trailing down his face. Jamie just closes the door in Roy's face. Roy is too stunned to even react. Normally he would be livid if someone did that. But that felt more like a sucker punch than an insult.

Fuck. He took his phone out and looked at his calendar and then at the team calendar. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. There it was in black and white on the calendar Ted insisted they make after that first birthday celebration for Sam. Back when Roy was still a player. When he was captain. How had they fucked this up? Was Zava really that much of a fucking distraction? He looked up from his phone back to Jamie's closed door. Yeah, Roy was going to raise hell on this. Fuck! He rushed back to his car and drove back to Zava's. He ignored all the questions and odd looks he got until he found Ted. 

"Give me your fucking phone," Roy demanded.

"Well, you don't look like you are-"

"FUCKING PHONE NOW!" 

"Okay, here," Ted says, unlocking his phone and handing it to a very angry Roy Kent. Ted wasn't sure the last time he had seen Roy this mad. Roy opened up Ted's calendar and found the same thing he had on his own. Jamie Tartt's Birthday as an all-day event. He does his best to ignore Zava's complaints that Roy was not being very mindful or zen right now. And Roy wanted to punch him in the face, but he kept his focus on Ted. 

"What is the fucking point of a team calendar if you all FUCKING IGNORE IT!" Roy seethes as he throws Ted's phone back at him.

"What?" Ted scrambles a bit to catch his phone. He looks at the calendar and realizes Roy is right. They'd missed something very important.

"Oh no," is all Ted manages at first. 

"FUCKING RIGHT OH NO!" 

"What did we miss?" Sam asks. 

"See for your fucking selves!" Roy shouted before putting his own phone to his ear. "Fucking fix it if you want half a chance at having a fucking team next match." Roy winces. "Sorry, Keeley," he says into his phone. "I need your help-" is all the team hears as Roy heads back outside. 

"Oh shit," Colin says when he looks at his phone. "How does half of Twitter remember it's Jamie Tratt's birthday, and we didn't."

"Because we are terrible teammates," Isaac says what they are all thinking. 

"Poor Jamie," Sam says. He felt like a terrible friend. Jamie had worked so hard to be a team player, especially after the protest, and they failed him. Jamie had stood with him then, even when he did not understand what Sam was feeling. But Jamie had stepped up. And they all had forgotten him. He would never forgive himself. "We have to make this right."

"You what?!" Keeley wishes she could reach through the phone and smack Roy. "Not only did YOU forget his birthday, but the whole team also did, AND Ted. AND you all went to Zava's. On Jamie's birthday. Then you fucking yelled at him! ROY!"

"I know!" Roy growls. "I fucked up. We fucked up."

"I didn't. I texted him happy birthday and offered to take him out on his next off day because I couldn't get away from the office today. You spend every day with him, Roy. I'll call him, but you guys better fix this."

"We will. I will."

"Good."

"Why isn't he answering his phone?" Dani asks as he tries to call Jamie again. 

"Because he was fucking devastated, you fucking twat," Roy grits out as he rejoins them. "Fucking tears in his eyes when he slammed the door in my face. And I fucking deserved it. Because I followed you fucking idiots here. Acting like you have a new fucking god-king. Well fucking brilliant job. We fucking broke the new and improved Jamie fucking Tartt. Fucking cheers!"

"He was crying?" Guilt seems to hit Dani Rojas like a brick. "Our Jamie? That's bad. We are bad."

"Zava did not know it was Tartt's birthday. Do you usually do something for birthdays?" Zava asks. 

"We do," Isaac says. "And Coach is right. We are idiots."

"Then Zava says fix it."

"We're trying, but he won't answer anyone."

"Then try harder."

"How is he?" Roy asks when Keeley calls him. 

"A fucking mess, Roy. What did you expect?" 

"How bad?"

"Like I had to call him twice before he picked up. He barely said anything and probably crawled into his bed and hasn't gotten out since you left. So go back over there and make it up to him. And he might still keep a spare key in his cubby. I told him it was probably not safe, but he has locked himself out of his own flat too many times."

"Thanks, Keeley," Roy says earnestly. 

"Don't thank me, just fix this. Jamie has been doing so well. This could really set him back."

"I know," Roy admits. 

Roy finds the key exactly where Keeley had told him it would be. And she was right. Anyone could have taken it at any time. Roy might actually keep it himself or at least lock it up in his office. But that was something to think about later. He headed back out to his car. He had picked up a few things and was headed over to Jamie's.

He knocked a few times but wasn't surprised when Jamie didn't answer. When it was clear, Jamie wasn't going to answer. Roy used the key. He felt bad doing it, but the little voice in his head was terrified that Jamie was in worse shape than he had let on when talking to Keeley. He knew the little prick would try and be the least burden to her since she was busy. 

"What the fuck?!" Jamie says when he sees Roy fucking Kent in his kitchen. "Did you break into my house?" 

"Keeley said you kept a key in your cubby," Roy says.

"For emergencies!" Jamie shouts at him. "You're lucky I didn't call the police. Or bash your head in with a bat or something!"

"And you'd have every right to do it," Roy tells him. "Because I fucked up, Jamie. We all did. I see that now and-"

"You broke into my flat because of my birthday?"

"Because I should have known. I'm your fucking coach."

Jamie doesn't know what to say. Part of him doesn't like the fact that Roy actually looks more sad than mad. And that was something Jamie just didn't know how to handle. He has to fight the urge to comfort Roy. And that is an impulse he has not had. Ever. And that frustrates him because he is already miserable. And now he is standing like an idiot in his own kitchen in a t-shirt and boxers having confusing feelings for his coach. Could the universe hate him more? 

As if Roy could read his mind. Or maybe just the way Jamie's fists were now twisted up in his shirt, and he was glaring a hole into his counter. Roy stopped, setting the takeaway he was unpacking down, and went over and just hauled Jamie into a hug as he had after that disaster of a Man City game the last season. Just like in Manchester, Jamie tensed violently at first.

"I'm sorry, Jamie. I really am. You deserve a good birthday. You have done so well. And we fucked up. You didn't deserve this. Don't deserve to be alone on your fucking birthday." Roy said with a gentle tone Jamie had never heard directed at him, and something inside shattered completely. 

Jamie went absolutely weak and just cried. He cried because he missed having someone that cares. He missed having someone touch him. Hug him. The team was so busy swooning over Zava that he didn't even get celebratory hugs. Because what had Jamie done to deserve a hug? Zava did all the work, according to Zava. And it twists Jamie's stomach in knots to think about. He just cries harder. And Roy is mostly at a loss, but he does grip tighter to keep Jamie from falling now that Roy had taken the younger man's weight. And Roy did not mind one bit. He would ignore the slight ache in his bad knee. It was a punishment he would endure for the turmoil he and the others had put Jamie through. 

"It's okay," Roy says into Jamie's hair. "I got you." After a few minutes like that, Jamie seems to have cried himself out and pulls away with an embarrassed laugh. He can't look Roy in the eye as he scrubs at his face.

"Sorry," Jamie mumbles. His hands went back to his shirt.

"Nothing to apologize for," Roy says as he goes back to unpacking the food.

"My birthday, and I'll cry if I want to, innit?" Jamie tries to laugh it off, but his attempt at a grin doesn't actually reach his eyes. But Roy does grin. That was at least closer to the Jamie he knew.

"Yeah," Roy says as he sets a cupcake Keeley had insisted he brings even though Roy isn't sure he ever saw Jamie eat sweets. He knew Jamie kept a stricter diet than most of them, and Roy had theories on that. He was pretty sure it had something to do with his dad insisting he be the best. That he not be a soft baby child. And that had something twisting in Roy's chest. Between that thought and the fact Jamie was standing there awkwardly half-dressed with his hand doing that ridiculously adorable thing in his shirt that he always does in his kit because he doesn't have pockets. And hold the fuck up. Did he just imply Jamie was being adorable? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Nope, he cannot be thinking that about one of his players, especially Jamie fucking Tartt. Fuck no. But dammit Jamie looked so fucking vulnerable standing in his own kitchen with tussled hair, red-rimmed eyes, and tear tracks on his face, and whatever walls Roy had built up came crashing down. Fuck. Focus. Don't be a fucking prick. Jamie was vulnerable because Roy fucked up. Jamie was in tears because Roy didn't pay enough attention. This was Roy's fault. 

Jamie looks between Roy and the cupcake. 

"Happy Birthday, Jamie," Roy starts. "I know it isn't much, but-"

He is cut off by a very different type of hug. This one wasn't about Jamie needing someone to comfort him. This one seemed more like Jamie wanted to show how much he appreciated the gesture but didn't have the words for it. And it had caught Roy off guard, earning a huffed half laugh, half grunt from the older man.

Roy had to pull away this time because the hug had gotten ridiculously long, and Jamie was still just in a shirt and boxers, and there was a line they were both dangerously close to crossing. 

"Go get some clothes on, and we can eat and watch whatever rubbish you usually watch on that TV of yours."

Jamie laughs and actually smiles as he nods. 

"Put on whatever," Jamie starts, but a mischievous grin appears as he continues. "As long as it's not some ol' war documentary that you granddads love so much."

"Fuck off," Roy says, but he is betrayed by his own grin. He balls up a paper bag from the takeaway and throws it at Jamie. "Put on some fucking trousers, Tartt, before this goes cold."

"Okay, coach," Jamie heads off to his room, and Roy lets himself relax. Roy finds what he needs to make tea and then sets to plating the food. But he was only half focused on the physical tasks. His mind was a mess of his own making. Fuck he was glad to see some normalcy return to Jamie's behavior. Roy would put up with every old man joke. He'd endure every barb and dig Jamie would send his way today. Because he just wanted his Jamie back. His Jamie. Fuck. Roy was in a bind here. Because he was right. Jamie hadn't been himself since Zava joined the team, and Roy had chalked it up to jealousy that Jamie wasn't the star anymore, but now Roy knew otherwise. Jamie wasn't jealous of Zava being the one people cheered for. No, this was team player Jamie losing his team. His friends. If the fact even Sam and Dani dropped the ball on this means this is a much bigger problem than just forgetting his birthday.

Roy had to bite his cheek to keep from doing anything stupid when Jamie came back in comfiest looking pullover and trackies. Roy mentally smacked himself at the thought of just wanting to snuggle right in there with him. And fuck, that was a ridiculous thought. So instead, he slid Jamie the food he had plated for him while he was getting dressed. 

"For the record, this may not be the kind of emergency you kept a key in your cubby for, but it was important enough for Keeley to tell me."

Jamie winces between bites. "I bet she had some very choice words for you when you called."

"She fucking did," Roy set a cup of tea in front of Jamie before going to get his own food and sitting down. "And it was deserved."

Jamie just nods, and it is quiet for a bit as they eat. When Jamie was done, Roy slid the cupcake toward him again. Jamie looked between it and Roy.

"Hope you don't expect some sort of birthday song because that is not fucking happening," Roy grunts. 

Jamie laughs. "I don't usually eat sweets, but well, it's my birthday…split it?"

And how could Roy say no to that? He grunts and nods. Jamie grins as he hops up and gets a knife, and it's a messy split, but he manages. He gives Roy half. Roy grunts again because his brain might actually have short-circuited as the younger man licks frosting from his own fingers. And Roy had not expected that to do things to him, but it does. So he focuses on his half of the cupcake. 

"Happy Birthday, Jamie," he manages to say. 

"Thanks," Jamie says with a smile that was almost too soft for what he was used to seeing from Jamie. And Roy had to look away and focus on his own half of the cupcake again. They end up watching Neverending Story because Jamie had never seen it, and Roy was worried it might be a bit much and hit too close to home but despite a few more years from Jamie. Jamie had loved it. And Roy was glad. 

"I meant it earlier when I said we fucked up. Ted takes this shit seriously, and he knows he fucked it this time."

"You…you told Ted?" Jamie is not sure if that's a good thing or not.

"Told them all," Roy tells him.

"What?" Jamie asks. And Jamie looks like he might be sick, and that sets off alarms in Roy's brain. 

"Jamie-"

"Just one more thing for them to hate me for," Jamie laments and begins to close himself off again. And fuck no, that's not happening on Roy's watch. 

"None of that," Roy grunts. He reaches over and pulls Jamie across the cushion that separates them on the sofa. He doesn't stop until Jamie is tucked tight against his shoulder, under his arm. "Don't fucking cut yourself off like that, you fucking prick. I'm trying to help you."

"Didn't ask you to," Jamie states.

"Didn't fucking have to. That's what friends do."

"So we're friends?"

"Fuck off," Roy grumbles but pulls Jamie in tighter. "But yeah, get fucking used to it." Jamie just laughs and nods and focuses on whatever was on the TV now. Not even caring about it at all because Jamie was warm and comfortable, and he didn't want it to end.

Roy wasn't surprised that Jamie seemed absolutely drained by 10, and somehow Jamie didn't fight him on getting him to go to bed. What shocked him was when Jamie told him to stay, and every alarm was going off in Roy's head again, telling him it was a very bad idea, but he still stayed. Roy told himself it was because they had hurt him so badly and that Jamie was vulnerable and didn't want to be alone. It wasn't anything bad. It was just making sure Jamie got actual rest because, from the look of him recently, he hadn't been sleeping well.

Jamie slept great for the first time in what felt like ages. And he woke up warm and actually comfortable, and without even thinking, he snuggled closer to the warm body that was wrapped around him. And then he remembers what had happened and who the other body was. Roy fucking Kent. His childhood hero had crawled into his bed when Jamie had begged him not to leave. And Jamie was now very worried about what was going to happen when Roy woke up.

"Whatever you are thinking, you can fuck right off with it," Roy grumbles. Jamie goes to pull away, and Roy doesn't let him.

Jamie still feels tense against him.

Roy figures they already crossed a line. "It's a fucking cuddle, Tartt. Consider it your actual fucking birthday gift, and go back to sleep. Training isn't for hours." 

And Jamie does because when is he ever going to get this chance again? A morning lie-in with Roy fucking Kent! 

Jamie radiated nervous energy from where he sat in the passenger seat of Roy's car when they got to Nelson Road. He'd taken convincing to let him drive that he was already there and didn't mind one bit. Would be stupid to both drive. It was easy enough to drop Jamie back home at the end of the day. No problem. But now Roy was wondering if this was how Jamie was every morning since Zava joined. 

"Hey," Roy reaches over and puts his palm on the back of Jamie's neck. He feels some of the tension release as he rubs at the right muscles of the younger man's neck. 

"Hmm," is all he gets from Jamie. 

"I know it has been shit recently, but it's okay. I'll take care of it."

"There's nothing to take care of," Jamie tells him.

"Jamie…"

"The team needs Zava. I get that. It's fine. We're winning. That's what matters."

Roy wants to fight him. Tell him that he's fucking wrong. That him being happy fucking matters. It matters to Roy. But he isn't even sure Jamie will believe him. Not yet, at least. 

"Okay," Roy relents. He gently squeezes the back of Jamie's neck again before he pulls away. He just hopes everyone else kept up their end of the deal and did what they were fucking supposed to. "We should head in." 

Jamie silently nods before mentally bracing himself for another shit Zava-filled day. 

Jamie froze when he walked into the locker room, and everyone yelled surprise! Even Zava did. Rebecca and Higgins were there. Even Trent Crimm. The room had been decorated with streamers and balloons. The kind of decorations He would have killed for as a kid. There was cake and gifts. He didn't even know what to think. He jumped a little when Roy's hand found his shoulder in the doorway. He looked back at Roy. 

"It's okay, go on," Roy nodded and assured him,  "Right behind you." 

Jamie nods and goes into the room. He sets his bag on the bench and looks around at the others. They all seem almost as nervous as he does. 

"Uh…thanks," Jamie manages to say with a tense smile when Roy squeezes his shoulder again. That earns him a pat on the back as Roy pulls away. And Jamie misses the reassuring warmth instantly. He looks back at Roy. Roy just nods for him to keep going. Beard tosses a party hat at Roy, and both Ted and Beard stare at him until he begrudgingly puts it on like the others. Jamie just goes with it when Will gives him a crown. "Coach Lasso insisted," Will whispers. Jamie doesn't put up a fight. Still somewhat confused about why this was happening now. 

"Did you do this?" Jamie asks, looking at Roy. Roy shrugs but says, "Do you really think I'd be wearing this if I did." He points at the ridiculous hat.  

"Fair enough," Jamie mutters and looks over as Ted approaches him.

"I cannot even begin to express how deeply sorry I am that we missed your birthday," Ted starts. "But I'm going to try."

"Of fucking course you are," Roy grunts. Earning a chuckle from Jamie and a few of the others. Ted spent the next few minutes telling Jamie how sorry they all were and that it would never happen again. That Jamie was too important to the team to be treated like that. And Jamie had repeatedly told him it was fine and that he knew they were trying. He didn't tell them he was honestly used to his birthday being a letdown. Sure, his mum and Keeley called. And his dad had left him alone for once instead of taking the opportunity to insult him. But Roy had made sure it wasn't a totally depressing day. He looks up when Rebecca takes a picture. He looks at her, confused.

"For Keeley," Rebecca says. Jamie nods. He was sure Keeley insisted they prove they did something to make it up to him. Rebecca continued, "I am sorry if you have not felt like you are part of the team. I never did apologize for what I did to you the first time you were on the team, and I know that nothing will ever be enough to repair the damage done when I sent you back to Man City. I am sorry, Jamie. It was unfair to you. To Coach Lasso. To the team. Especially after learning about your father-"

"Didn't want anyone to know. Embarrassing, innit?" Jamie says. "And I was a prick then."

"That makes two of us," Rebecca admits. "Happy belated birthday, Jamie Tartt."  She hands Jamie an ornately wrapped gift. "We're glad you trusted us enough to come back."

"Thanks," is all he manages to say before Rebecca goes back over to Higgins and Ted.

"Going to open it?" Trent asks.

Jamie just looks around at all his teammates just watching him. He looks at Ted. "What about training?" He asks.

"Roy will put them through the paces this afternoon. You just enjoy your party." 

Jamie opens up a bunch of gifts. 

Rebecca had given him a framed paper from their first win after Jamie rejoined the team. It was shockingly sentimental, and he wondered if Keeley or Ted had helped with that one. He genuinely thanked her. 

Trent gave him a watch that didn't seem too pricey, but it was something that Jamie might actually wear. Trent had better taste than Jamie had realized. He thanked him. Because, let's be real, Trent didn't do anything to him. He was a bystander for the most part. A silent observer that offered a kind word now and again. Jamie could appreciate that. And he really did. It was nice to have someone like Trent on their side. 

Zava gave him a book on mindfulness or something Jamie had zero interest in, but he had thanked him anyway because he had not expected Zava to get him anything. And then Zava gave him a set of gloves because Jamie always had his hands in his shirt or pockets, and Zava figured he must be cold. That had thoroughly shocked Jamie. And he let Zava know he appreciated that Zava would care enough to notice. Ted and Beard give a new book he says he'll actually try and read this time. Beard had slipped a code for a copy of the audiobook, and Jamie thinks he might tear up because, damn, did that make him feel seen. He wasn't the best at reading, and his coaches clearly knew him enough to still want him to try, but they'd made it easy on him.  

The rest of the team had gotten him more Jamie-style gifts. A new set of boots that just screamed Jamie Tartt Van Damme insisted. Hats they knew he wanted. Colin and Isaac got him a pullover he'd been meaning to get himself but hadn't gotten around to. Dani got him a vinyl copy of an 80s band he had found that he figured Jamie would like because Jamie had an odd taste in music compared to most of the team. Sam had given him a card and a larger envelope that shocked Jamie. It had tickets from every game that Jamie had helped them with every goal listed down to the minute. 

"You might not think we remember, but we do," Sam tells him, and Jamie hugs him. He doesn't know how he had all those tickets, but it was probably the most thoughtful and elaborate gift ever. 

"One more," Roy says. He hands Jamie a bag that was multicolored and had bows. Jamie looks at Roy with amusement. He also wanted to say he thought the dinner and cuddles were his gifts. Roy rolls his eyes. "Phoebe sent it." 

"Oh," Jamie laughs. "Yeah, that makes much more sense." He opens the gift to find a very bright and silly jumper that clearly a raining cats and dogs joke on it, and Jamie genuinely grinned. Leave it to an 8-year-old he barely knows to pick the most outrageous gift. 

"You don't have to-" Roy starts to say.

"Oh, I'm gonna," Jamie insists. He had taken his crown off, followed by the pullover he had on, and proudly dawned the one with cartoon animals on it. "How do I look? Wait, don't tell, fucking fit, right? I can make anything look good."

The room devolves into laughter. Partially from the ridiculousness that was Jamie Tartt wearing a pastel-colored hoodie with cartoons on it and saying he looked good in it. Partially with relief because clearly, Jamie was not mad at them. He was more like his usual self than he had been in weeks. They took a bunch of silly pictures, and Jamie posted most of them on his Instagram, including a very proud one of the jumper Phoebe gave him. And Roy had a hard time not looking like he was happy in the few pictures he was in. He was happy. He was happy Jamie was seemingly back to his confident self. Jamie actually ate a piece of cake, or at least part of one. He pawned the other half on to Dani, and Roy was sure Dani might have gotten emotional over it, not because he had found out that Jamie had actually missed spending time with Sam and Dani since Zava joined, but because Jamie hadn't batted an eye at talking to him. Acting like it was just a normal old day for them. Roy may have sent a very expletive-filled text to Dani the night before. He told him to cut that shit out and be there for the people who actually like him for more than their egos. Because Jamie was lonely, and it was the team fucking fault. But Dani knew better and was better. So he should be fucking better. And Roy had been right. So when Dani had hugged Jamie before he gave him his gift, he had looked over at Roy, and Roy had nodded when he saw Jamie practically melt into the hug. Roy had trusted Sam would see how much he messed up without Roy having to verbally berate or rather lecture via text. And Sam had come through. Roy had actually smiled when he saw how Jamie reacted to Sam's gift. Roy stepped out into the hall when his phone rang. 

"Keeley," he greeted when he answered.

"So it went well?" She asks without pretenses.

"Seems that way," Roy says.

"He seemed happy in the pictures he and the lads posted," she says. Roy thinks he can almost hear her smile in her voice.

"He did. Loves that fucking jumper you helped Phoebe pick out. Won't take the bloody thing off."

"And Zava gave him a genuine gift?" She asks.

"Shocked the hell out of all of us. He's more observant than I figured," Roy states, his tone darker than she expected.

"I know that tone…" Keeley says. "You don't trust it."

Roy grunts. "Of course I fucking don't trust it. It means he sees the shit that's been going on and doesn't actually give a fuck. He might just be realizing that Jamie isn't as easily overshadowed because of Jamie's history. Zava may not know Jamie's history, but I think he has an interest now. And-"

"And it scares you that Jamie's going to get hurt and worse than this time, aren't you?"

"Fucking exactly," Roy grumbles. "And it was hard enough getting him back this time."

"But you did, babe."

"He was a fucking mess. Didn't want to be left alone. He was so broken."

"And you held him and put him back together," Keeley said in a tone that was so soft and understanding. "Because you care so much about his happiness and his well-being. More than you want to, and it frustrates you."

She chuckles when he just grunts. He almost hated how well she knew him, how she could see through his bullshit and gruff guise.

"You know he wouldn't accept it from anyone else, yeah?" she adds. "He might accept the praise and encouragement from Ted, but he doesn't let anyone in as much as he does you. Not even me anymore. Try not to get stuck in your head and muck it up. You two are so cute together, and we both know you aren't holding back because of what people will think."

"Fuck off," Roy grimaces. Why had he ever told Keeley about the fact he cared about Jamie fucking Tartt? Oh, right, because he needed to talk to someone, or he would do something stupid. Roy frowns. "I slept in his bed last night," he admits. 

"Just sleeping? Or like…"

"I did not fuck Jamie Tartt," he says in a harsh whisper, looking around to make sure no one heard any of it. 

"But you did more than sleep?" 

"He spent half the night crying and fucking vulnerable. Like some sort of fucking baby deer or something. Those fucking eyes of his."

"I know. They are like traps," Keeley agrees. "So what now?" 

"I don't fucking know," Roy admits. 

"Well, maybe put your big boy trousers on and tell him you want to make more than just his birthday happy," She smirks. "You're too old for schoolyard crushes. You're Roy fucking Kent. Tell the man you want to choke on his dick and fucking do it."

"What the fuck?" Roy says, his tone less confident than usual because that fucking visual was now in his head and sent most of his blood south.

"Goodbye, Roy," Keeley laughs before hanging up. 

Roy has to will his body back into submission before he goes back into the locker room.

"All good, yeah?" Jamie asks almost instantly when their eyes lock. And Roy had to remind himself that they were at work, and this was not the time for his body to want to drag the striker into the boot room and fucking destroy him in the best way possible. Nope, cannot happen. Fucking Keeley and her notions. But Jamie is looking at him with that curious fucking look he gets. And Roy knows he'll have to actually talk to Jamie about his fucking feelings eventually, but not now. So he nods. 

"Just Keeley checking in. She's glad you're feeling better." It's not exactly what she said, but Jamie didn't need to know that. And Jamie smiles and goes sort of soft and happy for a second. Roy wants to see that over and over, but again, not the time or place. 

"That's nice of her," Jamie says.

Roy just grunts because, of course, Jamie goes all fucking soft over Keeley Jones. He loves Keeley. 

The party winds down, and Will gets stuck cleaning up as everyone else is told to get ready to actually train. Jamie looks happy to anyone that might be looking, but Roy could see the tension starting to return to Jamie's shoulders. Roy pulls him into his office after he finishes lacing up his boots. 

"Don't let him get to you, okay?" Roy says. Jamie looks at him bewildered. Roy fights the urge to sigh. "You're getting in your head again, yeah?" And Jamie was surprised anyone noticed. But of course, Roy did. It was his job to notice. 

"Can't exactly help it," Jamie admits. His hands bunched up in his kit. 

"I know, but," Roy starts. "You not fucking alone in this, got it? You have one advantage here. He doesn't fucking know what you can do anymore. He knows the shit you used to be known for. He has seen you at a loss the past few weeks. But fuck that. You are fucking Jamie Tartt. Show him more of that prick that we saw back when you could play for any team and fucking kill it. You don't have to be the old you, but you are still very much you. And you know you are good. Don't let that twat forget it. Got me?" 

And Jamie felt fucking fantastic. Roy thinks it's like looking at the fucking sun with how Jamie was looking at him right now. Like Roy could tell him to fucking fight the world, and Jamie would. And Roy slips up because he is a weak and needy bastard. He grips Jamie's face and pulls him in until their lips meet. And Jamie doesn't miss a beat. He kisses Roy back with an enthusiasm that is almost manic. And if that isn't just the most Jamie fucking Tartt thing ever, Roy didn't know what was. Roy pulls away, and Jamie whines. Fuck this was not the place for this. So Roy refocuses. 

"You fucking got this," Roy says, still gripping Jamie's face. And Roy thinks he was wrong before. Now Jamie looks like he'd burn the world to ashes if Roy asked him to. There was a power in that feeling that Roy didn't realize he needed. 

"Yes, coach," Jamie grins, and Roy lets him go. 

"Then fucking get to it," Roy says, and something in him shifts when Jamie gives him a quick peck on the lips before he heads to the pitch.

"Fuck," Roy curses himself and texts Keeley what just happened. Her reply is a bunch of emojis, and Roy rolls his eyes. He shakes it all off as best he can and heads out to the pitch. He can't help it. From the moment he reaches the sidelines, his eyes seek out Jamie's. And when he finds him, his stomach swoops because Jamie has an easy smile on his face. He nods at Roy, and without hesitation, Roy returns the gesture. If the corners of his usual frown tick up into the slightest of grins, well, no one says anything. And if they did, he'd fucking deny it.

#tw: neglect #tw: self esteem issues #tw: mentions of abuse #tw: anger #tw: swearing #tw: cursing #tw: cussing #tw: angst #tw: depression #tw: anxiety #tw: exhaustion #royjamie #roy kent #jamie tartt #afc richmond #ted lasso fic #ted lasso #zava ted lasso #keeley jones

[iamaslutforcoffee]

Power Chapter 1: Emberson Leanne Howard

(Rue's narration will be stated in bold italics unless otherwise stated)

The Howard sisters were something different. First there was Cassie. Cassie was your typical California aesthetic kind of girl. She was cute, big chested and blonde. Gus, their father, tended to favor Cassie over the other two and even went so far as to put her in ice skating lessons but that was neither here nor there.

Next there was the twins, Lexi and Emberson, They weren't identical but fraternal twins.. Lexi was the more out spoken of the two, and was alittle more popular than Ember. She had a more lean body, with beautiful brown hair and matching eyes. We were best friends since we were kids.

Ember was the quiet one of the three, definitely not one to really want to have attention on herself and preferring to find peace within her own company. Despite that, most of the friend group they all hung out with and even most of the highschool thought that she was the most beautiful of the three sisters, and also the most kind. But Ember had a terrible temper and other mental issues which caused her to be continously in therapy. It all started when their father, Gus, got into a terrible accident with Ember in the car. The trauma from the accident and also the PTSD from her dad going down my favorite rabbit hole of drugs and drinking severely molded her into the outstanding citizen she was today.

Ember sat in the resting chair quietly, chewing on her already non existent nails. She made a mental note to ask Cassie if she wanted to go get their nails done together, if she was even in the mood for it.

"So, Emberson.." the therapist started, but before she could continue Ember interrupted her.

"It's Ember, ma'am." She quickly muttered, her leg bouncing slightly from the anxiety.

"My apologies. Ember, how are you since our last discussion?"

Ember shrugged, and sighed. Running her hand throughout her hair she finally looked back at Miss Callson.

"I'm ok, I guess. Seeing my sisters best friend get wheeled to a ambulance because she overdosed really wasn't on my list of things i planned on seeing this summer"

But she wasn't ok at all. It was triggering her PTSD with her dad . She could still remember when he had to move out due to his drug use and one night he came back to the Howard home to steal shit to pawn. Lexi and Ember didn't want him there, Cassie let him back in. Unfortunately for her seeing me being wheeled into a ambulance really upset her and a small part of me did feel bad. All she was trying to do was come over and braid my hair up for me, or bringing back some clothes she borrowed. I couldn't remember.

Miss Callson continued on questioning Ember, and Ember continued on answering as simply as she could, there was no use fighting it at that point. If they thought she needed a mandatory grippy sock vacation, she'd gladly take one.

Afterwards, Ember left and a new prescription in place of one of her meds she usually took in tow. She drove to a nearby corner store, parking and getting out while smoothing down her leggings and favorite t shirt.

As she walked up to the door, Ember was startled by Fezco.

Now everybody knew about or has heard about Fezco O'neill, his grandmother was a complete drug dealing badness of a woman and he followed in her footsteps when she fell sick. Despite that, he was actually pretty fuckin' smart and did well during school until it was time to take care of his sick grandma and his brother Ashtray. Everyone also knew of his crush on Ember, him never being the one to want to get his heart broke he never said anything.

"Hey, ma'." Fezco spoke from his usual spot by the door. "What's in the bag?"

"Fuck! Fez I thought I told you about that scaring me shit!?" Ember hollard, crutching her chest.

"Shit, 'm sorry. You good?" He asked, getting up from his spot to try and comfort her.

"Yeah, yeah I'm good. And it's my uh.. it's my medicine. The kind that I actually got prescribed and not from a cooler in a bodega, babe. It's perfectly legal" she spoke, winking at him and his face turning a lovely shade of red amongst the freckles.

Then a walking zombie came waltzing back into their lives. Now I may be fresh out of rehab, but that doesn't mean I planned on staying sober.

"Rue, hey!" Ember noticed the familar crown of long curly hair and the small figure of one of her good friends, Rue.

"Hey Ember. Fez. " Rue replied, a small but genuine smile on her face.

Now when Ember said Hello, she was usually pretty genuine about it. Atleast with me. Now while Lexi was my "best friend since childhood", her twin Ember was definitely the less judgemental of the two and was definitely a more ride or die type of friend.

"How long you been back, Rue?" Fez asked, turning his attention briefly to Rue. Fezco was her friend, too. But had the displeasure of being her dealer at the same time. He couldn't help but feel guilty when she overdosed but Ember had to reassure him it wasn't his product that did it.

"Five days" Rue meekly responded.

"And how you been feelin'?" He asked, lighting his blunt and inhaling briefly, offering it to Ember. She politely declined.

"No thank you, Fezzy" she smiled at him.

"Well, ever since I gave my life over to my lord and savior, Jesus Christ, things have been like.. really good." Rue replied.

Ember shook her head chuckling.

"Word? That's what's up." Fez replied, continuing to smoke.

"You're full of shit, Rue. There's no way you're a born again christian" Ember giggled as she spoke, Rue smiling at her.

"Yeah.. yeah I'm fucking with You, Fez. It was a joke." Rue replied.

Rue asked where Ashtray was and headed inside, scoring her first hit since she was back.

"You know.. I worry about her more than I absolutely should" Ember spoke quietly, squatting down next to Fezco.

"Here, take the chair Em. An' i know, but you can't be out here worrin' about her all the time. It's not your job to worry. " Fezco spoke and offered her his chair. She smiled, taking it and knodding.

"Yeah, I know. But I still do."

~~~

Ooooooooof.

I'm excited 🥰🥰

#fezco fluff #fezco x y/n #fezco smut #fezco #euphoria

[fluffy-critter]

#crosspost #busybee

[getitoffyourchestofficial]

hi this is a lot im sorry. i love to say words and dump shit that upsets me with no real correlation. my bad /gen (genuine) (idk if you know tone indicators im sorry ough)

you dont really Have to cook up a proper response to this i just need to put it somewhere where i wont immediately get piles of advice that i cant use. i know its well-meaning but ultimately the whole situation is ou of anyones control

(also putting this 🎪 here so i can try to find it later)

im stuck in a sisyphean nightmare of a weekly cycle: i have a good day -> my mood skyrockets -> i have a bad day -> my mood plummets -> rinse and repeat. at this point i think it might be a mental condition bc something doesnt even really have to Ruin My Day, i just have to face a minor inconvenience and then suddenly im all doom-and-gloom depression for 3-5 business days before springing back up as if nothing ever happened to do it all again. my mom says i might have bpd or bipolar disorder (i always get the two confused) because she has it and we just havent seen anyone about it, mostly because we dont have the money to see any doctors most of the time. i also kinda dont wanna have either of them? not in like an asshole way but in a these-people-face-stigma-that-i-dont-know-if-i-can-emotionally-handle way. in a im already queer and fat and poor and disabled in multipled ways and overall unsavory to neurotypicals/cishets/Default Settings way. yknow

todays inciting incident was a shitty shitty halloween carnival that didnt even have the thing i was excited for, didnt have any food, had lines that were miles long (hyperbole), was too hot, and i only got 8 shitty halloween things from -- half of which were lollipops, with half of those just being the same 2 flavors but Again. we stayed for 2 hours before my mom decided she didnt wanna be out of the house anymore as usual. i cant be too mad at her because shes mentally ill in the direction of "i dont want to go anywhere because my anxiety will spike" but unfortunately im mentally ill in the direction of "if i cannot leave the house to Do Things at my own pace at least once a week i will fall into a deep depression" so we clash pretty bad most of the time. this was also following multiple minor inconveniences mind you. and was also trailed by multiple minor inconveniences. it just has not gone well. this halloween is just shaping up to suck bc i was supposed to have a whole party but we had money issues so it had to be cut down to just 2 people for a sleepover, then one of them went out to see his grandma in another state and the other is apparently in the fucking hospital right now??? at least according to his posts. and i cant blame them for these either! schedules conflict and sometimes you go to the Fuckig Hosital. its out of anyones control but it still feels like shit. so its looking like my only shot at having any fun this halloween is the trunk-or-treat at my school and idk if im even allowed to go bc i had to drop out for mental health reasons and they told me i wasnt allowed on school grounds anymore. idk if that applies here. which btw. way to make a depressed kid feel worse. you can NEVER come to this high school again or we'll ARREST YOU. fuckin bullshit. BUT thats off topic the synopsis is that this halloween sucks so far and i dont really expect it to get better which extra sucks bc im turning 18 next year and i dont wanna let this be the last hurrah for my number one favorite holiday. i cant host fucking parties for my friends after then. im gonna be busy trying to fuck off to the other end of the country. i wont have TIME for it. idk. it sucks. this sucks. fuck art and fuck you /ref (reference) /nbh (nobody here)

Ik you don't want advice for this so I'll just put it on the blog.

And idk if you want it but here's a tea

☕

[spikeinthepunch]

(this was written for my website blog. some parts may sound odd since because i worded it for that)

Technically, this is a 2023 blog. But whatever. I will put it for 2024 for ease of access since my old stuff is all on my old website. Anyways... new blog finally! I was gonna write this for tumblr but I got off my ass so i could have this web page ready ffs. I have been very absent in the past months...i haven't written a blog at all on my pages since May 2023 it seems, so it has been a fuckin while. I wont go through all the details but i wanna give a run down of this year because oh, man... has it been a lot. A lot of good, imo. Coming out of last year, I had rediscovered some old interests and made some new friends, I feel like I finally have some kinda online circle of friends after so long of not having it since all the changes of the internet. However my goal has always been to really try and get myself to doing shit IRL too. I have IRL friends, but after no college, and now those people moving further away, I could seriously tell that my life was lacking real life stimulation-- added with living alone, doesn't help. Everything kinda came together after I saw a neuro psych for many many weeks in the summer. It was a ton of work but it has also brought me more knowledge on a variety of issues I have had in terms of cognitive ability and other mental issues. When I completed those sessions its like I got slam dunked into a whole new phase of my life. My friends had just finished moving and while they were further away, they still came out towards me for a number of things and I managed to get myself into some of the weekly things they were doing- even picking up new stuff like playing Yu Gi Oh, and actually getting into their DnD group (i havent played since 2018 and I have been missing it so bad!!). In between that though, I was going to numerous concerts, still had my normal therapy, had two week long instances of being with friends nonstop, and surgery. And god, how can I forget, I don't think I even mentioned it here-- I made a video game for a game jam, with it being my first ever game I made... While super short, all those issues I was figuring out during the summer tie into my struggles to have even made that, so it was a big acheivement to have managed that in the course of a month long jam. Additionally its worth linking 2023 Art Summary too! This isn't everything for sure, and I have had some negative stuff pop up in my life this year too, but the number of positives, especially long term positives, have made this a very big year with lots of progress. Technically, I feel overwhelmed in a way especially when I look at what I would like to try and do this year. Acquiring knowledge on my cognitive issues will provide me with new and better ways to go about lots of things I have wanted to try and do-- namely school and learning. But its not "i know the issue, not I can do it". Its "I know whats wrong and I can try these things as solutions". Which is what makes it so exhausting and anxiety inducing- will it work? will this accomodation help? will none of it work? This is The question of 2024 for me. I can't answer it right now, nor will I try or vent through the rest of this blog. But, its gonna be 2024 and I'll have to find out. This last year definitely went off in ways I never expected and it was good, so I hope it'll end up like that again.