#but the democrats OHHHHH THOSE FUCKING DEMOCRATS

[theriverdalereviewer]

FUCK THE DEMOCRATS AND THE REPUBLICANS!!!

#I think its very intuitive why people hate the republicans no explanation needed #but the democrats OHHHHH THOSE FUCKING DEMOCRATS #SPINELESS LYING HIDDEN RIGHT WINGERS THOSE FUCKING DEMOCRATS #just a party of no values they just exist to get votes and will say whatever they want to get them #those evil ratpublicans will stand ten toes down for their hateful beliefs and thats how they get votes #cause when those mfs promise to take away human rights they fucking mean it #and their brainless base of losers will gladly vote for them everytime #even when their lives are eventually ruined to #but the fucking democrats will endlessly pander towards the center rather than appealing to the majority left #why? because they aren’t actual leftists left wing politics puts their privilege and power in check which is why they’ll never be left #and second they exist to be elected thats it and their strategy is to make promises that appeal to the left and then never carry it out #and they don’t seem to realize that that only works every few election cycles because #now I guarantee they will lose the house and the senate cause those idiots never do anything and then blame their base #like if you wanted votes you should’ve made americans want to vote for you dumbasses we should not have to keep compromising our values #so you people can stay in office AND DO NOTHING FOR US!!! #thats all this is. just americans compromising their values until those parties become 1 #and thats what gets on my nerves republicans will never compromise but those fucking democrats oh compromise is their middle name #I DO NOT WANT COMPROMISE FOR HUMAN RIGHTS YOU EITHER GIVE THEM OR YOU DON’T FUCK YOU! #and this is why I hate the lesser of two evils logic like im not choosing between a group of killers and a group of lying killers #cause thats what pro life is. it means letting pregnant people die #GOODBYE!

[theswordwizard]

i cannot believe i keep seeing posts congratulating biden for a four day "ceasefire" (where the IDF CONTINUED to shoot people) over BLACK FRIDAY WEEKEND and saying "ohhhhh he's trying so hard guys we need to clap for him and the DNC, aren't we so glad we have a democrat in office right now" after they gave over 14 BILLION dollars to the israeli military? they scheduled a halftime break in the bombing and you act like they accomplished something real?

i'm also not that surprised, but definitely disappointed, at the amount of posts i've seen blaming "russian bots" for anti-biden posts. its over a year until the next election, and joe biden is CURRENTLY, RIGHT NOW, perpetuating zionist lies about Palestine and actively funding their genocide to the media! you realize that if a YEAR in advance of an election, if people are saying "hey this is fucked up, i'm not voting for someone who does this," the DNC doesn't actually have to run joe biden for the democratic nominee? biden said barely a year ago that he didn't intend to run again!

if every election "season" (that seems to get longer every year, proper campaigning for PARTY nominees have barely started, my god) every liberal blasts the messaging "Vote Blue No Matter Who," that the message you are sending to the DNC is that you will vote for whoever they pick out for you, regardless of whether it's in the people's best interests? if YOU TELL THEM that the only messaging they have to have is how the republicans are worse, then that will be their strategy! and we already saw how that played out with hillary!

hillary did not lose because you didn't yell at enough people online, hillary lost because the DNC played poker and INTENTIONALLY propped up and gave additional airtime to trump because they thought that even a generally disliked democratic nominee could win against him! and they were wrong! you CANNOT win an election on "that other guy sucks," because the average american is not reading your callout posts. the average, non-party aligned american, is gonna watch the debate and go "wow I don't really like either of them, I can't afford to not get paid for the hours it would take to vote," because the average american is not a hard leftist or a chronically online liberal.

joe biden won because he campaigned on the promise of student debt relief and fixing covid, and he did neither! sure, he made some small, unflashy, means-tested improvements, but no one even got the 10k reduction that he kept dangling. we can blame the republican party all we want, but what people remember is that joe biden did not do what he promised people. prices are still getting higher and people are still struggling more and more. it's not convincing, and he's not likeable.

if you want to yell at people for not toeing the party line or whatever, a better use of your time would be calling your representatives and getting more involved in local elections. school boards, city councils, state and district representatives, those will immediately effect people's lives in your area!

as more and more information comes out about what is happening in Palestine and the US's part in it, the more unappealing joe biden is as a candidate. if anything, you should call your senator and tell them YOU and anyone you know won't be voting for him, if you really want a chance for a democrat to win the next election.

#pissing me OFFFFFFFFF #you realize you sound like a qan0n or something when you brush off REAL VALID criticism with #ohhhhhh russian bots are back! #'we need to make sure the bombs dropped on palestine are funded by a democrat too!!!!!'

[twilightofthe]

Ohhhhh Nonny do I have an IDEA for this one, thank you so much. I’m going off of your Separatists idea, thanks!

(You also sent me that second Obikin prompt which I shall also answer boy howdy!)

(OTP prompts list found here)

Obianidala 4 - Enemies to lovers AU: Which one switches sides?

In this universe, Dooku tries to catch more flies with honey than vinegar at first. When Padmé Amidala starts stirring up a fuss in the Senate about things that could interfere with Sidious’s plans, Dooku sees an opportunity arise. That formidable personality Amidala uses to command attention to her cause, something like that could be useful to him, to have on his side. His Master will certainly disagree, but Dooku knows that his Master cannot be his Master forever. At some point, Sidious will have to be dealt with; why not have the girl who took down the last Chancellor as an ally?

Count Dooku arranges a meeting with Senator Amidala. He tells her the truth about Sheev Palpatine. He shows her the datapad painstakingly compiled with over a decade of evidence of the Chancellor’s high treason. The entire sordid affair that was invasion of Naboo and Palpatine’s role in it is displayed in full. The truth is undeniable.

Padmé has never been so furious in her life. If what is in these documents is true, everything up to and including her own election as Queen, what she prided herself on for achieving through her own success and talent and by the grace of a democratic society, all of it, was his doing. He chose her. He groomed her. Eight fucking years of her life as a civil servant unknowingly dancing on his strings like a puppet, enacting his will, causing her planet and the galaxy irreparable damage. Gods, he chose her because she was weak-minded enough to hand him the Chancellorship on a silver platter.

Dooku tells her of Palpatine’s plan, of the war he’s been cultivating— too late in the proceedings now for Padmé to do anything to stop it, gods, he’s thought of everything, and his ultimate goal of complete galactic domination. He believes Dooku is his servant, on his side, but, Dooku says, he does not plan to follow him forever. He wants to take Palpatine down, and he thinks Padmé could help him.

She learned all of her political prowess from the man who betrayed her. She knows he has left nothing to chance and that there is no way civil law and political action could knock him off his throne, no matter what evidence she gathers. She doesn’t trust Dooku, thinks he’s just as bad.

But Padmé was a tool in Palpatine’s rise. Anything bad that happens because of him is now blood on her hands by proxy.

Padmé Amidala commits herself to an alliance with Count Dooku.

A slightly less detailed version of the evidence shown to Queen Jamillia is enough to commit Naboo as well.

They can’t tell Palpatine yet, don’t want to alert him to their plan, so for a year they plan in private. Dooku is certain his Master is unaware. During that year, Padmé is told of what Darth Sidious really is, how the Sith factor into everything. She really didn’t sign up for this. This is Jedi-level danger that she has no experience in handling and gods, the Jedi don’t even know about any of this, and while Sidious is awful and Padmé Will bring that bastard down, she doesn’t like or trust Dooku in the slightest. Does not want his ideas of how the galaxy should be run.

But what should she do?

The answer comes when Dooku tells her that he is being ordered by his Master to make attempts on her life due to her rabble rousing in the Senate. He won’t actually kill her, he promises, and she knows he needs her enough that she believes him.

And then the sack of utter shit kills Cordé accompanied by a completely unrepentant message to her saying that it was necessary, and Padmé despises him too and maybe that’s why she’s so eager to lightly push him into the fire when Palpatine pulls her into a meeting with the Jedi about it. Maybe the Jedi can help her, do something, maybe—

The Jedi is the same one who was sent to protect her a decade ago, the one Dooku’s mentioned by name from time to time when he’s humored her questions on the Sith and Jedi, his former grand-apprentice Padmé swears he might still be fond of.

And that apprentice’s current apprentice, and damn, Little Ani has certainly grown up...

Obi Wan is truly brilliant, Padmé didn’t appreciate that enough the first time they met. She’d appreciate it more now, if not for the light suspicion she starts picking up from him near the moment the investigation into her attackers starts. She supposes it could just be dislike of how his apprentice is blatantly, adorably enamored with her— which, doesn’t quite bother Padmé like it should, and no, she is not going down that road right now, nope —and it’s easy enough to tell Obi Wan cares very deeply for Anakin, but she suspects it’s more, that he’s caught on that there’s something she might not be telling them.

Having his intense focus on her though? Not entirely bad. His eyes staring into hers and his smooth voice as he asks her questions? Padmé can accept that. She can accept Anakin tripping over himself, being genuine and kind and so eager to help her. Even if she doesn’t want to tell herself why.

After the second assassin attempt— bugs, Dooku, really? —she can tell Obi Wan definitely knows something is up and says so to Dooku, who had promised her he’d handle it.

Her and Anakin are sent off to Naboo and she knows that bothers Obi Wan— though again, is that more his suspicions about her or his worry over Anakin —and she dearly hopes Dooku doesn’t kill him

During the time on Naboo, she learns much more about Anakin Skywalker, his humor, his brightness, his complication, his anger. He’s mad at the government too, and he feels pressure and upset at who he answers to. He’s ridiculously gone on his own Master even if he doesn’t know it, and Padmé has seen Obi Wan with her own eyes so she understands that completely. He’s beautiful and she’s unable to look away from him, especially not when he’s looking right back at her, kisses her, and no, this is a problem, a Major problem because the crux of the entire issue is that he is far, far too close to Palpatine.

Padmé has spent enough time reflecting back on just how exactly Palpatine groomed her, she recognizes it now in Anakin. He, wine flushed over dinner, tells her of the supposed prophecy he doesn’t quite believe in, how he is very powerful in the Force. She remembers all Dooku told her of the Sith, and while she’s sure he didn’t tell her close to all of it, she knows far more than enough to know that Anakin Skywalker is in grave danger

She sees even more of it when Tatooine and his mother come into play

She needs to pull away from this.

The updates Dooku’s sending on Obi Wan, how he’s being lured, her concern, no, none of this is good.

These are good men, bright men, people who just want to help, and she can’t have them around her because they’ll mess up the purpose she’s gambled her entire life for

So when Anakin gets a distress call from Obi Wan on Geonosis, Padmé grits her jaw, shoves down her feelings, and leads Anakin straight into Dooku’s trap.

The look of utter heartbreak and betrayal on his face once they arrive and are captured, when the droids let Padmé go and she walks away from him, the pain in his voice as he says her name, only her name, nothing else, it breaks her.

But this is it, Obi Wan discovered the clones and the game is put in motion, and Padmé can no longer hide in the shadows, has to sit and watch as the two Jedi are put in the arena to die, looks at Dooku who’s watching them with a troubled expression— she knows he made Obi Wan an offer and was turned down, knows he too sees something in Obi Wan like he did in her, and Padmé has an idea because she sensed a likeness in Obi Wan that resides in herself, that he wouldn’t listen to a shady figure like Dooku, but if she could make him see her view, tell him what was controlling them— controlling Anakin...

Anakin, she thinks, would come too. For his Master, if anything, but she knew they had something and if she hadn’t managed to completely kill it by betraying him.

She tells Dooku she might be able to convince the Jedi one more time to see things their way, and he narrows his eyes suspiciously but keeps the other newly-Separatist leaders from going after her when she tosses two blasters into the arena for the unarmed Jedi.

Obi Wan’s glare at her is pure acid and no, that one will not be easy, she very well might fail, and something in her both winces at the disdain but also ignites at the challenge, he is a challenge and she is good at challenges, but she catches Anakin’s eyes and sees confusion, remnants of that awful pain that makes her faint with guilt, and hope, hope in those eyes as he handles the blaster with the ease of a lightsaber— Obi Wan’s even better at it, Padmé notes with amusement, remembering him expressing distaste for them —she feels her heart jump. Maybe she hasn’t destroyed what she and Anakin had, maybe she hasn’t lost him, maybe there’s a chance to explain—

The Jedi show up and they bring the clones, and now it’s a full out battle, the other leaders are fleeing, but Padmé can’t go, not yet, though she is shameless enough to duck behind Jango Fett and let him handle things when she sees Mace Windu headed in her direction with a look like death on his face, which, fair, very fair, Padmé does kind of deserve it, she did lie to everyone

She’s trying to follow Obi Wan and Anakin, catches a swoopbike and gets a small cluster of droids to follow her when she sees them headed on carrier ships.

This time, when one ship is struck, Obi Wan and Anakin are in different transports, so it is Obi Wan who is knocked out of it and tumbles into a sand dune, and Anakin on his way to get Dooku without even noticing his Master fell.

Padmé is ready to use her droid squad to capture him again so she can explain, but now clones are headed his way too, and her droids and the clones engage in a firefight across the sands, so it is Padmé alone who goes across the sand to offer him a hand up

Her getting flipped onto her back and a lightsaber at her chest reminds her that right, he’s a bit peeved with her at the moment

Wait, she tells him, raising her hands complacently. Listen to her, she says, Anakin is in danger.

His hair is unkempt and there’s dirt on his face and his stare seems more intense than ever. His voice is icy as he replies, and who’s fault is that?

She winces. He is mad that she hurt Anakin on top of everything else, which is also fair, she’s mad at herself too. Not from her, she explains, from the Sith Lord, the one Dooku told you about, did he tell you their name?

His eyes narrow, says Dooku said the Sith controls the Senate

Padmé tells him she’s met the Sith, Dooku is right, and that the Sith not only controls the Senate, they control Anakin, have had their eye on him for a very long time

And there’s that flash of protective fire in his eyes, she has his attention, though he’s trying to act like she doesn’t. She likes his attention, is glad he cares for Anakin as much as she does. He asks her, tone dangerous, what the hell she’s talking about.

Padmé takes a breath. You’re in danger of losing him to the Dark Side.

He reels back ever so slightly, snarls, you don’t know what you’re talking about.

Ask him what we did on Tatooine, she counters, watches as he takes that entirely the wrong way, the flush of cheeks, the second once-over of her, and she can’t help but be amused.

No, she stresses though, because they don’t have the time, not like that. Ask him what he did. He did something awful and if you don’t help him with that, it will get worse and he will deliver himself right into the Sith’s hands

She can see him paling. He knows she’s not lying. What did he do? Who is this Sith?

She shakes her head, tells him that he will not believe her, and that Anakin must tell him himself, and he must still be there for him. You are what’s keeping him where he is. Don’t drive him away. You can’t lose him.

His eyes narrow, he wants to argue with her and the lightsaber is still at her chest and he’s staring at her just as intensely and her heart is tight, but he’s getting a report on his commlink, and she hears something about Anakin about to engage Dooku, and he swears sharply and is pulling out the blaster she gave him and she doesn’t have time to move before he shoots her with it—

And he stunned her, thank the gods, she wakes up handcuffed in a transport ship with a few clones still milling around, she sees the entrance to the cave system Dooku was using off at a distance, she knows exactly where he would be and knows in her heart that Obi Wan and Anakin are fighting him.

The clones, bless them, are still a little new, and her cuffs are in the front and aren’t exactly chained to anything, and she’s in white just like them so it doesn’t take much to pull her wrap cowl up over her head, wait until one isn’t looking, and take off out of the ship at a run, somehow avoiding getting shot until she’s deep in the cave and has time to pull a pick out of her boot and undo the cuffs with her mouth. She can hear fighting in the distance and she may be unarmed, but she feels she was finally breaking through to Obi Wan and she needs something she can control, not Dooku, not Sidious, her, and she bursts out—

And there’s Dooku, fighting what looks like Master Yoda, and there are both of her men, collapsed on the floor, and obviously there is history between Dooku and his old master so neither of them even pay her any mind as she darts across the ground to where Obi Wan is laying slightly over Anakin— who, gods, is missing an entire arm, Dooku you bastard —and is surprisingly, still awake.

She meets Anakin’s bleary, pain-filled eyes, runs a hand soothingly over his forehead and croons softly at him, melts at how quickly he leans in to her touch despite what she’s done, what side she’s on. It’s okay, shhh, it’s okay, rest.

Did you mean it? he asks her, and her heart shatters. Any of it, did you mean-?

I didn’t want to lie, she tells him, completely honest. You weren’t part of the plan, you never were, hurting you wasn’t—

He makes a confused, sad little noise as she leans closer and oh, she can’t help it, she leans down and she kisses him and he presses into it eagerly, she can taste blood in his mouth, before slumping back to the floor, asleep.

What are you doing? She turns to see Obi Wan struggling to wake, glare back on his face, and oh, these two need to have a serious conversation, but that’s not the now. She wipes Anakin’s blood off her lip.

She tells him she is gaining an ally, and when he flares up, adds that she does truly care for him, and wants him safe, and the only way she can do that is if she takes out the Sith who is after him

Why side with Dooku then, Obi Wan challenges, and she smiles, tells him that Dooku too is a threat, and in this position she can try to bring down the both of them—

With help, she emphasizes. I don’t know the Force, there are things they don’t tell me and I am far from strong enough. If you were to help me...

Obi Wan snaps that he is loyal to the Republic, and Padmé counters, is he to Anakin? Padmé catches the break in his façade for but a second as he glances at his broken apprentice still curled up beside him, and she knows she isn’t wrong.

She dares to reach out, brush a loose strand of shiny auburn hair out of his face while he’s incapacitated, tells him, she is willing to help them. They should consider helping her. He stays still while she brushes his hair, watching her hand. Maybe she hasn’t misjudged him either.

Obi Wan is once more cut off by louder noises and the sound of clones approaching, and Padmé sees Dooku getting ready to flee, so she pats both men on the head once more, tells Obi Wan, commands him, keep him safe. We will meet again.

And she’s off, dodging Yoda who’s running back for the Jedi, catching a swoopbike of her own and tearing off after Dooku to escape the planet.

Naboo has a declaration of secession to make, and a war is starting, and for the first time, Padmé feels like she has options.

#like ok yea they're still enemies by the end of this but c'mon y'all know where this is going i tried to leave it open ended #anon tbh this is a GOLDEN idea for a full on Clone Wars through ROTS au thanks so much for this #asks #anon #morai's fic #ot3 to save the galaxy #queen of my heart #our only ho #one (1) hot mess #obianidala

[frighthouseofalighthouse]

History Asks: 2, 3, 7, 8, 19, 29, & 61, please!

Hi! This is late I’m so sorry!

2: Favorite underrated historical figure?

Julie D’Aubigny! Click the link to read about her bisexual dueling antics.

3: Funniest historical kerfuffle?

All the ways the CIA and others tried to assassinate Fidel Castro. Here is a link to the wikipedia page because it’s so fucking wild. One time he was at a hotel and put his shoes outside the door to be polished and they put hair loss powder in his shoes thinking it would make his mustache fall out and no one would respect him anymore.

7: Which time period would you like to live in?

I’m taking this as completely ideally, barring lack of medical knowledge or misogyny or homophobia etc. So either late Victorian England or oh just please take me back to the revolutionary war.

8: Favorite tv show based on historical events, but not really faithful to real life?

My top 4 are Outlander, Black Sails, TURN: Washington’s Spies, and Ripper Street.

19: If you could travel back in time and kill anyone, who would it be?

Listen I’m not a fan of these questions when people are like “I’d kill Hitler” etc. bc butterfly effect, BUT

The British officer who shot John Laurens can CATCH THESE MF HANDS

29: Rant about your favorite topic.

Ohhhhh I don’t know if you’re ready for this. I have so many favorite topics. so here’s what I’m gonna do. Remember the other history ask I answered with the question about the presidential assassinations? I had spent an hour and a half writing a whole thing about the background of Lincoln’s assassination before I realized it wasn’t needed in order to answer the question about the repercussions. So here’s that plus the thing about the repercussions that I was leading into.

“ John Wilkes Booth was a well-known confederate sympathizer, and though he himself never joined the confederate army, he had many contacts within the disastrously put together confederate government and secret service. Since 1864, Booth had been forming a plan similar to one put forth by Confederate Secret Service member and Virginia Tech president Thomas Nelson Conrad. A plan to kidnap Union President Abraham Lincoln. Conrad’s plan was approved and they sent a team of men after Lincoln, but the mission was soon abandoned because Lincoln’s security was too tight. Unlike Conrad’s plan, Booth’s was to get the president at a moment of vulnerability outside the White House - and to kidnap key members of his cabinet as well, ransoming them for Confederate prisoners. However, after seeing an April 11th speech in which Lincoln promoted giving Blacks the right to vote, Booth decided to assassinate him instead. The next day, April 12th, the Union victory over Richmond and the Confederate army’s surrender was announced, making kidnapping a moot point anyway. On the morning of April 14th, Booth went to get his mail at Ford’s Theatre, where he was an occasional stage actor, and the owner’s brother started bragging to him that Lincoln and his wife would be attending a play there that night. He knew it was the best chance he had, and he arranged for a getaway horse to be waiting for him, and for his co-conspirators to assassinate Vice President Andrew Johnson and Secretary of State William Seward at their respective homes. By targeting Lincoln and the next two successors to the presidency, it’s clear that Booth intended to chop the heads off the Union government, throwing it from post-war victory into chaos, giving the Confederates a chance to reorganize and rally their remaining forces. Union Commander in Chief Ulysses Grant was supposed to attend the play as well, but he and his wife decided last minute to visit relatives instead. At 10:14 that night, during the second act of the play, Booth snuck into the presidential box and shot Lincoln in the back of the head. His escape was cut off by the man who had come in Grant’s stead - Major Henry Rathbone. Booth stabbed him, jumped over the balcony to the stage, and raised his knife, yelling “Sic Semper Tyrannis.” (Thus Always to Tyrants, which Brutus is alleged to have said after killing Caesar. Also the state motto of Virginia.) Then he and his co-conspirators ran, having failed to kill Johnson and Seward. (The guy supposed to kill Seward only managed to non-fatally stab him, DESPITE THE FACT THAT SEWARD WAS BEDRIDDEN BECAUSE OF A CARRIAGE ACCIDENT. The guy who was supposed to kill Johnson chickened out and got drunk instead. Which sucks because...well, you’ll see.) Lincoln died just after seven the next morning. The secret service and Union army caught up to him and the others and killed booth. The eight other conspirators were sentenced to life in prison. Then Johnson was sworn in as president. 17th president Andrew Johnson is regarded as one of the worst presidents in history, and is one of 3 presidents to be impeached - the only one who actually left office as a result. He had an anti-black stance that went against everything Lincoln stood for, opposing the 14th amendment and every other bill that would grant civil rights to freed slaves. Back then, the rule was still that the runner-up in the presidential race was VP, so the President and VP were opposing parties, which is actually smart and kept power from becoming too imbalanced and corrupt in either direction. The stances of the parties were essentially the opposite of what they are now, as well, so Lincoln as a Republican was far more liberal than Johnson. Southern states rejoining the union re-elected many of their old leaders and the strong rights of individual states that fanned the early flames of the war allowed them to pass anti-black laws that deprived freed slaves in their individual states of the rights to which the Emancipation Proclamation entitled them. Congressional Republicans (read: liberals) who still held the majority, refused to accept senators from those states, and wrote legislation to overrule them. Johnson vetoed them all, and Republican (read: liberal) congress overruled him right back, and this pattern went on for the rest of the administration. Sound familiar, anybody? So much of his cabinet spoke out against him and he fired so many of them that Congress restricted his ability to fire people. He continued trying to impeach the Secretary of War who had put out a reward for Booth’s capture, electing to go down causing as much chaos as he could, and was impeached as a result. Essentially, if Lincoln hadn’t been killed, Johnson would never have been president, and the transition from war to reconstruction wouldn’t have been as awful as it was. Congress wouldn’t have been distracted by Johnson’s antics and would have been able to focus on sending aid to suffering rural areas and rebuilding the country. The lack of aid to rural areas gave an upper hand to urban areas, hence, companies. This is when corporations started to get their foot in the door and tip the scales in favor of higher populated areas/more wealthy areas. So “democratic-republicanism” which favored stronger states rights instead of central government, because they thought it would be “better for farmers and rural communities,” actually led to the alienation and starving out of farmers and rural communities. Hmm, almost like it was never a valid stance to begin with. The Democratic Republicans, back in the Hamilton-era days, weren’t even a proper political party. They had to scramble for a stance that made sense, because they were originally called the Anti-federalists, and their ONLY stance was to oppose the Federalists because they (Thomas Jefferson mainly) hated Hamilton. BUT THAT IS ITS OWN RANT. Anyway. We are still in the Reconstruction period. If it weren’t for Booth, it’s likely that we would have made it further than this.” END RANT

61: Favorite ancient civilization?

Oh I am such a sucker for the Greeks.

THANKS FOR THIS AND SORRY IT TOOK ME LIKE A WEEK TO GET TO IT.

[jaywhitecotton]

Fuck Elvis

I used to play this terrible game with some monstrous friends at karaoke shows. It was all based on how Michael Jackson died at the right time and if he molested just one more kid we’d be screwed out of decades of music and nostalgia.

We’d then apply other artists to this molestation scale. Like if MJ set the standard at say 7 known kids we’re pretty sure he finger banged, how many could say Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler get away with?

Turns out - it’s one. One for sure, but I’m pretty sure there would have to be at least three before we as a society are willing to let go of Dream On or Bruce Willis’s meteor sacrifice.

Bob Dylan? So hard. Old white NPR people would blame the motorcycle accident and give up everything after to protect his earlier legacy, but comparing Michael Jackson to Bob Dylan’s importance? He’s got to be able to molest as many - if not three more kids - than the King of Pop, right? I mean Jewish or not, he is still white so that has to give him the edge over Jacko in what he can get away with.

Anyhoo

Comics have been acting like comedy has been bringing “truth to power!” and patting themselves on the back, but thirty years of Michael Jackson jokes couldn’t do what one documentary has done.

Proving if you really want any justice these days, you need to first invest in some production value and an editor who knows how to make criminal acts look especially bad.

The reactions are pouring in and people are very conflicted. Many questioning whether or not it’s ok to like an artist because of their lurid personal life.

Look, can we come to a consensus on just one thing?

Human beings have been giant flesh bags of hot garbage since the very beginning of our upright existence. We started out so bad, we’re not even sure of what are real beginnings were actually like.

And its not even people that are the worst either. Look at life itself.

Nature is gruesome and horrifying! Every nature documentary is inherently a horror movie missing the scary cello mood music. If you knew how much ducks gang-raped in real life you would burn any remanence of all those duck-themed shows from the 90’s.

Even the creation of space and time was the result of a destructive explosion that shit us out into the nothingness of space.

Disagree? Thinks humans are great? Cool. Keep in mind a lot of people watched a movie about a guy who sexually abused children and their first thought was “Can I still grab my dick and effeminately scream ‘ohhhhh’ whenever it gets super windy? Because I don’t want to live in a world where I can’t do that!”

To me anytime a person does something exceptional - THAT should be the thing that is celebrated. Like “Wow, you overcame being a piece of shit and had a moment of triumph for our species, well done ya piece of shit!”

Thomas Jefferson and the Declaration of Independence, Gandhi and Civil Disobedience, Beethoven’s 9th have all stood the test of time and those acts are worthy of praise.

Are we going to really miss Ignition (remix)?

I’m not saying any of these people’s flaws should be ignored, but seriously - there were plenty of slave fuckers, wife abusers, and piss-on-tweeners out there who not only did that shit - but didn’t even have the decency to form an experimental democratic republic placing power in the hands of the people, much less write a catchy tune.

We have got to start holding a higher standard for what we consider legit and meaningful art.

Is Trapped in the Closet really an achievement for humanity? Is the cinematic legacy of Space Jam ruined by the tainting of I Believe I Can Fly?

Was American Beauty and House of Cards our civilization’s finest cinematic moments? Has there been nothing else to watch?

Can we no longer backwards slide dance at house parties because a guy who dressed like a sequined private eye slept with kids?

I’m not saying you can’t still enjoy those things, or even question your feelings about them. I’m saying don’t make those things more important than they actually are. You can both think an actor should be castrated and get lost in visualized fiction.

Just as easily as you can decide to never watch again. It’s all disposable.

To me the real crime is needing a movie like American Beauty to be the pinnacle of human achievement because you got your first handy in the theater when it came out or whatever.

Not that anyone is exactly saying that, but you big bad wolves get my straw house point.

What is the value of achievement? How do we measure what’s important? I’m not sure. Maybe it’s what the consensus decides should stay. Maybe it’s the individual.

Sometimes it feels like a lot of our general arguments are between the perspectives of group thinking socialists versus self-motivated libertarians. Maybe they’re both right, I guess it depends on the situation.

Personally I think most the arguments about entertainers matters most to the people who have a vested interest in brands and making it in the ‘look at me’ industry.

I don’t know if it’s because I’m in the thick of it having done music and standup most of my life and have the same guttural need for a stranger’s approval, but sometimes I feel surrounded by people who treat every moment of their lives like a biopic. Selling themselves on social media as if they’re the subject of their own Rolling Stone exposé.

People who define themselves by the most disposable of expressions and since trying to be good and known is so difficult, decided it’s easier to just simulate success instead of working harder on the mediums.

You know, frauds.

I’m surrounded by a generation of ‘fake it til you make it’ personalities who thrive on all the shit I find utterly useless, meaningless and the worst crime - boring.

Entrepreneurs in narcissism who communicate through gossip and trade in brand expression, littering the artistic landscape with recycled lateral thinking dog turds.

It’s exhausting,debilitating, and absolutely the future as AI replaces our normal careers, forcing all of us into becoming Instagram models and Influencers.

And everyday I have to have deep sobering introspection trying to figure out if I’m not equally culpable in this terrible trap of meaningless thinking.

Not that there’s anything wrong with meaningless. Not everything has to have as everlasting an impact as Ode to Joy.

I mean really, what actually matters if we all die and whatever impact we had becomes erased regardless of whether or not it takes years, months, days or even minutes after we are laid into the ground?

Most of everyone who has been born has meant nothing and left no trace or measurement that they even existed at all. Think of all the stillborn babies who didn’t even get the chance.

Nature the cold hearted bitch strikes again!

People call me jaded and bitter for these thoughts, but I promise you - I hold no anger or selfish need to compensate my own lacking by exclaiming ‘people are mostly shit and none of this will stand the test of time’. I’m very fun at parties.

It’s just the people desperate to matter that think reality is inherently mean.

Celebrate the achievement not the person, but also - let’s not over inflate the achievement to validate our own petty need for someone to hear our folk song about getting a handy while watching American Beauty or whatever.

A quick story.

One of the most talented people I ever met was a dude from Philly named Perone.

Perone played bass and was known across the city as being this incredible player who for some reason just never found a project he clicked with.

I met him when I was 18 and homeless, living in a 24 hour diner he waited tables at. Everyone loved this dude and for some reason he took care of me. Hooking up free salads, sodas, bread. He was the coolest dude I ever met.

I was learning guitar and we both loved 70’s soul and blues music so we’d jam together which in hindsight was wild.

I had no fucking idea what I was doing and yet here was this genius jamming patiently along.

Teaching me without putting in a show that he was actually teaching me, if that makes sense?

Was he perfect? No. Not at all. He was charismatic as fuck, but obviously weighted down with some demons.

The weirdest thing I could say about him - and I don’t know how to even properly frame this was - he used to draw on bed sheets.

For years he had a dream about a woman he never met and would paint her face on the bed sheets and attach lyrics to songs he was writing next to her face. These sheets hung all over his walls.

Keep in mind he was living with a girl at the time. He had a kid, yet here were all these sheets dedicated to a fictional white woman he was obsessed with, hung like championship banners across his entire two bedroom apartment.

My last conversation with Perone was perfect. I sat strumming his guitar while he smoked meth out of a can of Pepsi, telling me how Michael Jackson was the King.

Every click of the lighter, every inhale and exhale would punctuate just how much Michael Jackson meant to the world and music.

How Motown celebrated their 25th anniversary with a tv special and Michael Jackson came out and destroyed with the moonwalk.

“Dude, (click) black people loved Michael (inhale). White people loved Michael. (exhale)Young people loved Michael. (cough) Old people loved Michael. (click) None of this race or generation shit mattered. (inhale) It was because of the music and HE did that. (exhale) He bridged everything together in that one moment. (violent cough) Michael Jackson is and will always be the King. (click) Fuck Elvis.”

That was twenty years ago. I have no idea if he’s still alive, earned a living with his music or met the woman he’d dreamt and painted for years. Or if instead he succumbed to meth, took his own life and or manages an Olive Garden.

I don’t know and I don’t have to. I miss him and appreciate the things we shared that mattered and helped me grow as a person, but that’s all it ever will be.

Let justice be done and handled by those involved in their situation and value only the things and constructs that have some permanence or growth in your own life.

Either way you will still die, and wether it’s alone and forgotten or if it takes centuries for people to forget you were a miserable deaf cunt who wrote some sweet jams - you’ll eventually be nothing.

Fuck Elvis.

[austinpanda]

Dad Letter 071220

12 July, 2020

Dear Dad--

Another week of plague, isolation, and lightsabers! Also we got the remnants of a tropical storm, I think, which has always been a concern now that we live on the eastern seaboard. But by the time the storm reached Old Town, Maine, it amounted to about 90 minutes of light rain. For those of us who like observing the weather, it was disappointing as hell, quite the anti-climax. We had more of a hurricane a few years back in Austin, when we got the leftovers of that one that ate Houston. We got about 50 inches of rain in two days; it was AWESOME! Checking...that was Hurricane Harvey from August of 2017. Oh well, there’s still plenty of hurricane season left to go, and I’m not worried. My shit is insured. 

So, about the coronavirus, and leaving out any political commentary, did you notice that the national caseload, which had been dropping, just started rising again? I mention this only because if you were under the impression that we got this virus beat, that seems to have been overtaken by facts on the ground, and pretty please continue wearing a mask when shopping or going out in public, because your fellow Oklahomans are a petri dish of icky germs right now. You know, I never thought I’d witness an honest-go-god plague in my lifetime, certainly nothing that would directly impact the way I live my life. But ohhhhh, is this impactful! (And by the way, I’m not crazy about the fact that “impactful” is a word, but it is, so I’m using it.) Every time I check in with someone I know and/or love to see how they’re doing, they’re all responding with some variation of, “Oh, you know,” and they make a gesture that seems to encompass the whole universe around them, as if to say, I’m doing okay, but the universe is totally fucking blowing it right now. And that’s where I live, man!!

So I truly hope you and Elaine are doing okay. I know no one’s health is as robust as we’d like, but I’m sure you’re still exercising. Good movies are coming out, it’s just more likely that they’ll come straight to video instead of to movie theaters first. That Tom Hanks WWII “Greyhound” movie got delayed, and I read that it made Tom Hanks sad, not just because he starred in it, but because he wrote the screenplay. But! I believe if you have something called Apple Plus--I don’t have this, and I’m not entirely clear what it is--you can see it now. In other words, it’s been released digitally. I suppose there are services that allow you to pay to watch it on your TV, assuming the internet is involved in there somewhere? Entertainment technology began to leave me behind once they mastered flat screen TVs. I’ll see if I can find an easy way to watch it on the computer and let you know.

The other excitement of the week? I purchased Turtle Wax! I’ve noticed the paint on my 12 year-old Hyundai is starting to fade in spots, so I decided that, if water beaded up on the hood when it rained, that would somehow completely correct the faded paint problem. (In retrospect, I realize that it won’t, it’ll just make the spots of bare paint slightly shinier.) Now that I’ve done a few test spots on the hood and roof, I want it to rain, to see if it’s working. The last rain occurred just before I got the Turtle Wax. This shit is exciting to me! It never seemed to make much sense to wax my car in Texas, and I’m not sure why. I guess I figured the sun would kill whatever car paint it wanted to kill, and some wax wasn’t about to stop it. But now I’m quarantining, and spending the whole day looking out the window at my car, thinking, now that I have a lightsaber, my life will be 100% complete once I can wax my hood. Not the whole car, mind you, just the hood and roof. I don’t need to see water beading up on the sides in order to achieve complete self-actualization, it seems.

Oh, new kitty update: We are supposed to get the new kitten tomorrow, from our neighbor Clint. Because problems keep popping up that interfere, I predict only about a 50% chance that we’ll actually have the new kitty by tomorrow. That part can kiss my ass, by the way. They’re only a kitten for a short time, and we’re missing the period of maximum cuteness. And we really could use a new mammal around the house to keep everyone entertained while we’re stuck here. We have special litter. I bought flea collars. We have a whole plan, all planned out, how we’re going to introduce new kitty into the house, and how we’ll introduce it to Sam, and take lots of pictures, because it’s just so damn adorable. I can’t wait! I’m going to try to be patient, but gimme my fucking kitty, dammit! I need something furry to put some love on!

I wanted to talk about your desire to speak on the phone. I don’t want to do that, but I worry when you add such emotional weight to it, and I can at least talk about it. Here’s how I see it: I have learned, from experience, that you and I do our best communication when it’s not happening live, when we have time to pause and reflect, when we can exercise more thought about how we speak to each other. Let’s face it, I’m a doughy, gay, exceptionally liberal democrat, a bone-deep atheist, and a firm believer that everything republicans do is, by definition, chock full of evil, and best not done. I’m on the side of Black Lives Matter, and the tearing down of Confederate statues. I know you come down pretty firmly on the other side of that debate, in fact, you seem keen to kill the shit out of any protesters who might come over the hill to attack the homestead. 

I think we maintain our friendship better, and treat each other with more kindness and respect, when we have to write the shit down. It requires more thinking. It isn’t just sustaining what I feel is a pretty damn decent friendship that I’m having with you, I think it’s the reason why we haven’t fucked it up yet. I think it’s the reason we’re friends and not busy being angry or disappointed in each other. 

I don’t want to rehash the past. I know you loved me the best way you knew how. I know you did your best as a parent, and I’m very grateful for it, which is why I feel like I can do better than just cutting off all communication between us entirely, even though we’re so different. In case it’s not obvious, I put some effort into the letters I write to you. I make sure they’re not short. I make sure they show you the real me without rubbing your nose into my liberal opinions, or being accidentally thoughtless in some way.

Perhaps it’ll help to look at it this way: I know so many people who have nothing but contempt for their family, and don’t want to have anything to do with them. You happen to have a family member who’s a brilliant, and funny writer, who could write the great American novel (if he knew how to make stuff up, but it turns out he’s bad at that) but I prefer to channel that energy into my weekly letter to you. I want to protect our friendship and I think I’ve figured out how to do that. I know it’s not how you want things to be, but just remember that I’m loving you the best way I know how, too. We are communicating.

Now just so that I don’t end this week’s letter on something that may be a bummer, allow me to tell you about my new lightsaber. (Trust me, you’re going to need to know all this stuff.) It can be changed to whatever color you want. It makes all the lightsaber sounds; the speaker is in the pommel, and can get quite loud. You know how they flash when two lightsabers hit each other? You know, in real life? They made my toy one to do the same thing. When you wang it against something, it flashes white a few times briefly. I’m telling you all this in case it helps you decide whether you’ll need one, but trust me, you do. If any scary people come over the horizon to attack your homestead and you greet them with a blue lightsaber, I guarantee they’ll drop their weapons, and embrace you in brotherhood. 

Of course, I’ll write more next week. I hope you’re safe and staying out of the sun. All my love to both of you!!

[kittenwatchesthings]

Geostorm Liveblog

It’s been a hot minute ( many many hot minutes, actually) since I liveblogged here, and that’s because The Core fucked me up so bad that I still haven’t finished it. Yeah. That was a year ago (or longer, because I picked a theme that doesn’t timstamp my posts). I got as far as the geode and noped the fuck out, but to this day I am still pondering the velocity and force needed for a pigeon to break windows. Just saying.

Anyways, it’s Superbowl Sunday and I could care less and Redbox had a deal so I picked up Geostorm. I will tell you how much I know about this movie.

Gerard Butler is in it.

Gerard Butler controls the satellites that control the weather.

The satellites get fucked up.

They fuck shit up.

There are giant tsunamis.

I think there were like six tornadoes in NYC or something IDK I watched the trailer months ago.

I think he has a daughter because they always have daughters in disaster movies right?

Let’s get started.

This movie is rated PG-13 for destruction and violence.

Annnnnd we start with the child voiceover because Drama™. Climate change!

Actual quote: “They called it extreme weather. They didn’t know what extreme is.”

(I am not even 30 seconds in this is gonna be great.)

Okay I’m now like a minute in and I have two things to say.

1. These are excellent videos of natural disasters 2. I hope they got permission for the videos

So they’re essentially using explosives to control the weather. Yup. That’s totally gonna work. And they called it Dutch Boy. Yeah. Great.

Ohhhh Gerard is gonna be snarky to the senators. Nice. I like him.

The senator is clearly gonna be the bad guy in this movie. I can’t wait for him to die.

Also Gerard is not really aging very well. He still looks good just not as good as 2005 Gerard.

His brother is clearly a politician because he’s all “you fucked up and I gotta fire you” but at least he kinda cried about it too.

Anyways we’re headed to the desert where shit is about go down I can just feel it.

Who the fuck came up with this

Oh there’s a town completely frozen over OH his hand came off well shit

THE PRESIDENT ONLY CARES ABOUT HIMSELF

Little brother has redeemed himself by caring more about the 300 people in the village that froze to death

fuck you, Mr President

Ed Harris knows what’s up. He says get Gerard up on that space station

meanwhile, in space, a foreign guy (of course, because America is full of racists) is stealing information, and does every single country have its own satellite? even Djibouti? that seems excessive to me.

Nevermind the guy is dead. I 100% thought he was doing normal shit until he stuck the… uh… datapen? whatever. until he stuck it into the binder all sneaky-like. Not entirely sure wtf just happened on the ISS but we’ve just cut to the country where Gerard’s daughter is brainy and fixing something all by herself.

Awww her name is Hannah I have a sister named Hannah

oh now the brothers are fighting

guilt trippingggg

Ohhhhh so there’s another guy on the ISS fucking shit up. I bet he made the airlock open to kill Makmoud. Why the fuck people gotta fuck shit up?

(The answer is that people are fucking awful)

no wait I lied this guy is on Earth, in China, where it is very hot

CAT THERE IS A CAT IT IS PURRING STOP EVERYTHING

Oh um the ground is so hot you can fry eggs on it WHY IS THE PIPE RED HOT OH LOOK AN EXPLOSION

FIRENADO ALERT

what the actual fuck is going on

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

okay I’mma try and wrap my head around this… it got so hot that the gas pipelines turned red hot, overheated, exploded everywhere, and toppled buildings

1. NOT PLAUSIBLE 2. Pipes run at least 3 feet underground which is not gonna get that fucking hot and I’m pretty sure the gas would expand and destroy the lines before they actually get red hot 3. Whether actual fire explosions (and not superheated gas) happen would be up to whether there are sparks or not

okay so it was indeed gas main explosions, thank you Hannah for explaining

still doesn’t excuse the TERRIBLE SCIENCE

Hannah is a smart cookie I like her

still using fucking space shuttles I see and he’s not even in a space suit what kind of space movie is this (okay he’s kind of in a space suit but really)

can u not with the dizzying space images? I’m still fucked up from Gravity

THE Jake Lawson

Also Gerard’s American accent is riddled with Scottish which is likely why he just said he was born in the UK (I like the Scots better than the American anyway roll those r’s baby)

Okay anyway apparently the satellites are getting fucked up by someone IN THE WHITE HOUSE how surprising is that (not at all)

SOMEBODY’S COME TO FUCK WITH CHENG

THE BROTHERS ARE FIGHTING AGAIN

THIS IS NOT THE DRAMA I SIGNED UP FOR

AHHH THERE IS THE DRAMA

I suspect Dassite(?) has something to do with this. But I am worried something’s gonna go wrong on this spacewalk.

SOMEBODY FUCKED WITH JAKE’S SUIT

DAMMIT I SAID NO MORE DIZZYING SPACE SHIT I’M STILL FUCKED UP FROM GRAVITY

FUCK CHENG NO

Really we need this brotherly–ohhhhh it’s a fucking coded message hell yeah Jake

FUCK NOT THE GIRLFRIEND

oh okay Dana is my fave

OMG the girlfriend’s name is Sarah helllll yeah

Ohhhhh Makmoud I am sorry for thinking you were bad you were being good! It is clearly the Americans fucking all of this up

DUSSETTE IS GOOD TOO I’M SORRY FOR DOUBTING YOU BOTH

SHIT they weaponized it everything’s fucked up

THE PRESIDENT FUCKED THIS SHIT UP

Max is gonna fuck this up I just know it

FUCK NOT TOKYO

oh hey the giant hailstones from the trailer holy fuck they are huge

what the fuck ice in Brazil

BIRDS FALLING DEAD FROM THE SKY INCLUDING A PLANE

ONE HOUR AND THIRTY MINUTES TO GEOSTORM

FUCK ed harris is onto max

WHAT THE FUCK WHY IS THE STATION SELF DESTRUCTING

WHO FUCKED IT UP

IT WAS DUNCAN

SHIT SON FUCK HIM UP JAKE

of fucking course Ed Harris is the one behind it he’s the best at being bad

but why is it the DNC why are they democrats why are the dems the bad ones

SARAH IS BEST AT LYING

GO SARAH GO

THERE’S THE TORNADOES

So lightning just blew up the arena where the DNC was being held and I’m having flashbacks to The Core when a lightning storm fucked up Rome and exploded the Coliseum so THANKS Geostorm

Annnnd Russia is melting and the Prez is skeptical (of course)

FUCK the shithole guy survived

SARAH IS THE BEST

EY NOW HE DEAD

Noooo poor Hannah

SHIT JAKE NO

lol Max and Sarah have you beat fucking Ed Harris

fucking deck him Mr President

HELL YEAH MAX

Anyways, tsunami in Dubai. GIANT FUCKING TSUNAMI. Definitely bigger than fucking San Andreas

NO JAKE CAN’T DIE

HE’S THE FUCKING HERO

THAT WAS THE MOST STRESSFUL FIVE MINUTES I CAN REMEMBER

oh no Ute is gonna die isn’t she

wait she’s still going

okay they’re in the satellite that should be okay right

HERNANDEZ

yay happy ending

Okay so um.

Final thoughts: I got way too emotionally invested in the movie but at this moment (despite what some conspiracy theorists believe) we CANNOT control the weather satellites. We do not yet have this capability and I fully believe that we will not have it by 2019 or even 2025, especially if the US government and public opinion stay as they are right now. This movie was likely based on conspiracy theories surrounding HAARP, which I won’t get into, but it’s safe to say that we can’t control the fucking weather and we’re not going to for a long time.

So uh… nice concept, nice drama, the science fucking sucked. Definitely sci-fi rather than actually fucking plausible. The end.

Science 0/5 Plot 5/5 because fuck this movie Special effects 4/5 because some of the scenes in the space suits looked kinda fake but the rest was A+

#geostorm #liveblog