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sinfulcries · 3 years

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akaashi, a mafia boss that everyone fears. he’s stone cold and fearless, no one dares to even attempt crossing him. you come along, a new hitman he hired and he’s like wet clay in your hands. he would do anything, absolutely anything to please his master now just some food for thought~

my daddy’s got a gun — akaashi x male reader

##AUTHORS%NOTES: Hey guys im finally starting to get motivation to write again! So im finishing the older requests for now and once I’m done ill start on the drabbles again (might publish some in between). Hope you guys enjoy this for now! I also had another idea for this request but I was too unmotivated to write it so this is the version that i’ll be publishing today!

WORD COUNT: 925

tw. gun play, deepthroating, face-fucking, non consensual filming and photographing, implied stalking, getting caught masturbating

Akaashi hired you for two reasons. For starters, You were a skilled hit man, Your aim seemingly perfect when it came to killing people off from afar and even up close— You were a professional, a perfectionist. And Akaashi Keiji loved perfection. The main reason as to why the well renounced boss hired you however, was because you were fucking attractive.

He's been keeping a keen eye on you— Hiring men to take pictures of you while you were on your shift or while you were showering. He's even touched himself to a picture of you working out— Your muscles, your taut skin and your focused gaze making him cum untouched multiple times.

It was hard to focus on a mission whenever you were with him; Often getting distracted with your charms and your confidence. You were Akaashi Keiji, a well known mafia boss who resided in Tokyo's weakness.

Making your way towards his office— You hummed, pretending not to notice the constant clicking of the camera in the background. You knew about Akaashi and his obsession with you. It was way more obvious than you would like to admit! But you didn't want to embarrass your dear boss! After all, You cared for him as much as he cared for you!

Knocking on the door softly, You called out Akaashi's name to no response. This was concerning— Usually he would respond within a second, and a frown eventually made its way onto your face as you gently creaked the door open— The sound of squelching and faint moaning echoing across the empty room.

"Y/n~!" The mafia boss moaned loudly, staring at the video of you touching yourself, His hand roughly jerking his cock.

You froze in your spot, Staring at your boss in disbelief before a smug grin replaced your shocked expression. Waving a hand in front of his face you watched as the ravenette jumped— Grabbing the gun beside him before pointing at your head.

"You wouldn't want to point your gun at me, darling. Especially not with your pretty cock out in the open." You chuckled as you gripped onto the barrel of Akaashi's pistol, effectively ripping it out of his shaky grasp.

"What are you doing here in my office. Why didn't you knock first." Beneath Akaashi's intimidating and cold expression— He was fucking shaking. Did you hear him moaning your name, Did you find out about the men following you? Did you notice that the video he was touching himself to was video of you doing the same? Thoughts rushed into head and you effectively made him snap back into reality by wrapping a hand around his leaking cock.

"I knocked, But I guess you were distracted with something else" Chuckling you gazed at the smaller male seductively, pressing a soft kiss onto his lips before inching your hand towards his cock.

"It's inappropriate touching yourself to a coworker, Keiji." You purred, rubbing your thumb against the tip and the smaller man shuddered against the office chair, Your taller figure leaning comfortably against his desk.

"L/n-san~! P-Please touch me...." He whined, bucking his hips upwards onto your fist. An amused smirk graced your lips as you pointed the gun that you were holding at his forehead instead, Your other hand starting to jerk his cock faster. "And what if I killed you instead, Would you still be begging for me to fuck you?"

Akaashi was beyond turned on— You were so fucking sexy— Even when you were threatening to shoot him. The gun was fully loaded. And he knew that you knew by the weight of the weapon in your palms.

"C-Can I suck you off, daddy?" The name came out so naturally from his lips, And your cock twitched at the name as an airy laugh left your lips. "Go ahead baby."

He scrambled to get on his knees, Wet hands unbuckling your belt and pulling your trousers down to reveal your hard cock. Akaashi's been waiting for this. Pictures and Videos weren't enough to satisfy him— And to see the real thing in front of him made him drool shamelessly.

He wasted no time in sucking your cock, Swirling his tongue around the tip before taking your entire length in his mouth, You groaned, throwing your head back as you felt your cock reaching the back of his throat. He was experienced and damn did his mouth feel good wrapped around your cock— Especially when he was looking at you with those usually cold eyes brimmed with fat tears and his lips dripping with his own drool.

It was certainly beautiful— Watching the emotionless and intimidating mafia boss crumble and choking on your dick. And the way you would watch his body shiver every time you ran the cold metal of the gun against his skin teasingly, made your cock twitch in his mouth.

"I can see my cock in your throat, Keiji. You taking daddy's huge dick like a good boy?" Nodding, Keiji started gripping onto your thighs as he started to take more of your length— The sound of slurping and your low groans filling the empty room.

As Keiji pulled away to breathe— You furrowed your eyebrows disapprovingly, grabbing his hair before guiding your cock back into his mouth. Akaashi's eyes rolled into the back of his head— Gagging once you started to fuck his throat. "I didn't allow you to stop didn't I?" You taunted pointing the gun at his head once more, "You're gonna fucking regret doing that."

#sinfulcries works #seme male reader #top male reader #dark content #haikyuu x male reader #dark blog #dark haikyuu #akaashi x reader #akaashi x male reader #akaashi keiji x male reader #fukurodani x reader

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clrkingrm · 4 years

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hellooooooooo! this is admin envy/holly and i am STUPID excited to kick things off around here..... i luv everyone so much already and i want to plot with All Of You :,) under the cut are some deets about mr. clark ingram: local garbage stoner, taco bell connoisseur, ex-juvie goer, and proud drummer for wet brain. feel free to hmu on d/scord (or on tumblr ims if u prefer) if u wanna plot something out. i also have wanted connections right here for ur perusal!!! <3 <3 <3

clark was born in new york city via in-vitro fertilization to two wealthy mothers. his formative years were spent in the fast-paced thrum of the city — its where his love for music first developed, and he 100% considered it to be his forever home. that was until he turned 13, and his grandmother falling ill led to his moms hauling them out to the tiny town of dingle to care for her in her final years.

three major factors led to clark absolutely despising his early years in dingle. 1) his ailing grandmother was an actual through and through asshole 2) he had just come out to his moms a few years prior, and transitioning in a tiny town versus the liberal heart of the city was not something he was looking forward to, and 3) compared to the city, it felt like there was absolutely nothing to do. this led to him lashing out, fucking around, and landing himself in trouble with the authorities more times than he could count.

this delinquency eventually caught up with him — his ass was tossed into a correctional facility when he was 15, after he accidentally burned down an abandoned home while getting stoned with his hooligan friends. they all dipped on him, leaving him to deal fully with the wreckage and the punishment.

after this minor wake up call, he got his life… slightly on track. he started actually going to school (and doing his homework!!!) regularly, partied a little less, and got involved with a better group of friends (ie: the esteemed connor roth). he managed to scrape up enough academic motivation to graduate high school, though not enough to even consider attending college once graduation arrived.

his mother (vivien, the mean one) gave him an ultimatum: either get a job, go to community college, or get the hell out. he is now the world’s worst dishwasher at rosie’s diner. though the titular rosie is generally distrustful of this little miscreant, he managed to snag the job because she was good friends with his grandmother. (little does she know, clark actively hates his grandma). he could find another job, yeah, but they always hook him up with free fries.

his grandmother passed away when clark was sixteen, but he only very recently found out that she left him her beachside home in her will. seems like a nice gesture, yeah, but it was mainly just to spite his mother (again, vivien, the mean one). giving a whole ass house to her unmotivated stoner son, where he could basically waste away? truly haunting her post-mortem. he now lives there with connor + TBD (lmk if u wanna live w them)! he still works as a dishwasher, though, for like, groceries… video games... and for weed money…. and for the free fries. gotta love the free fries.

he also does twitch streams as a small side gig, streaming the shittiest possible games. he has a puny cult following on the platform, who consistently send him worse and worse games to try out and yell about, but he makes essentially nothing off of it. he just likes the attention, mostly. (ex: this & this)

the one thing clark takes seriously in his life is drumming. he truly believes to the depth of his soul that he can make it as a professional drummer, and that if he doesn’t, there isn’t much else left for him in terms of occupation. this has led to a palpable desperation as he’s grown older — and to him taking wet brain a lot more seriously with the more time that passes. hence, the battle of the bands is actually kinda a big deal to him, because that spot at the festival could mean a lot for a future career.

clark truly thrives on being an annoyance. if he can find a way to push someone’s buttons, he will. there’s a disgusting pleasure he gets in messing with people, which has led to many constant citizens of the town to genuinely hate his crusty ass. as long as he can still get gigs, he doesn’t really care.

recently, he has tried to get into writing deeper lyrics for the group. he’s mainly the go-to guy for stupid and goofy lyricism, but he’s attempting to tap into his… feelings… whatever those are. (he has a lot, really. he just doesn’t wanna talk about them).

his main interests include drumming (obv), weed, taco bell, adam sandler movies (uncut gems literally changed his life), video games, skateboarding, stupid t-shirts, weird thrift store finds, partying, going to gigs, curating playlists, and being a general dumbass.

if you actually read all this shit and STILL want more, i got a nice about page for him right here (with a full bio!), as well as a pin board right here !!! (gotta rep the aesthetic)

#i am so hype!!!!!!!!!!!#intro.

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cheswirls · 2 years

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i thought abt sy for an extended period tonight and like always i have a lot of mixed feelings that i am choosing this tim eto.. write down, instead of overthinking solely in my head. this might get long jsyk

its p set in stone now that im gonna rewrite sy. the immediate problem is if i start now, or at any point before ive finished it once through, then ill jus run into the same problems im going thru rn. i dont know when i started thinking srsly abt this besides some point last year, but its made me so unmotivated to even touch sy. im constantly teetering between 'yea this is solid, or at least, good' and thinking its such a giant mess. sometimes the messy aspect overrides my ability to see the good points entirely. sometimes this leaves me thinking, well then, why should i even continue?

but not in a im-done-w-it kinda way, i love sy so much. its more like. like ive decided this version is so unfixable and i need to start over, and ive held myself back for a long time bc, again, its not gonna work unless i know exactly whats gonna happen from start to finish, and bc i dont outline (and esp for sy, when i jus go w the flow and write what i want on the spot, in large chunks, too) that points only gonna come when i get around to finishing sy, which is still a long time off.

i guess ive jus bogged myself down w this. knowing that im writing for smth that im gonna go back andf scrap/change. i didnt think it mattered bc i have so much fun writing sy, but over time ive come to realize thats probably the main reason i havent really written anything for it in a long time. i keep telling myself to embrace that sy #1 is gonna be messy and imperfect and written how i want in the heat of the moment but i havent fully accepted it either.

like. its bc im the author, and im so glad ppl love sy like i do, but every time i look i jus see so many problems. i keep wanting to try and fix things in successive portions and this leads to a Long process of me having to read the entirety of sy before i start writing to refresh myself, and sometimes i spend so long doing that that when im through the motivation is gone.

im gonna jump all over the place here but. so basically i write whatever the hell i want for sy and make it cohesive to the overall plot. thats why theres so many "fluff" scenes that rly hold no base value?? bc i could remove a whole lot and still have to read well, and by "fix" i dont mean get rid of/condense, bc at the end of the day im writing sy entirely for me like its self-indulgence to the absolute max. and i wanted a fic that showed a lot of 'down time', like everyday life, like nothing, normal scenes that dont matter in the grand scheme but are fun to write and cute to read bc I Care Them and also like. if you ship sa youre already desperate for content so why not More??

thats part of the self-indulgent, it-doesnt-matter mindset ive adapted for this version of sy. if i want to condense, i can do it in another version. right now i am having fun

but also i know its a mess. ik i started posting chapters around oct 19 and i started rewriting initial scenes early that summer and ive had a very old gdoc i think didnt/doesnt even have a proper title (like sad sa or smth) even before that, like this fic is very Not old news. i started a tumblr draft that is now suuuuper long for notes on scenes and w/e i want to add eventually, i think back around the end of 19 again, and its sorta in chrono order but its also Not an outline. i delete scene drabbles/notes from it once ive written them proper to clear space and there is So Much happening between each one. the last time there was a good 40 or so pages between one scene id thought up n jotted down points for and another that was a sentence or two of explanation. i dont have smth to follow where i go down the list n knock each off. i rly only reference the top few from that draft when im writing so ik what, theoretically, i should have happen before another, and if i vibe w it ill write it between what im writing in the moment. sometimes i know the beginnings of the next scene and start writing and then come up as i go and never look at notes or anything and then i have 5-10k. outlining wouldnt work. but that also means when i get stuck w what should happen next i Rly get stuck and end up letting it sit for forever.

i keep saying this and never get to why so heres WHY i think sy is, not bad necessarily, but jus messy. i write in the heat of the moment and dont follow up. or i forget abt it. or i dont forget but i dont know how to resolve so i ignore it. except i dont rly ignore it bc its like a nagging, like i want to let it alone but my minds like uh eventually you gotta address this plot point you brought up

sy is also a major fic where i am super critical while writing and then once i let it Sit n read it back over im like oh, wait, why did i have a problem w this?? this looks good. then icoe back again (usually after ive. posted it online hrgrigwr) and am like Oh my god why does this not make sense/not read write/why didnt i edit/change this like. im so guilty ESP in sy or writing smth i KNOW isnt good jus to move on n promise to fix it later and then i Dont fix it?? ig what im saying is im guilty of not editing as harshly as needed, which rly only matters to me in the end since, again, sy is pre self indulgence. i have been typing for over half an hour wow okay i thought this was gonna take like 10m.

i kinda have/have not accepted that i have things i introduce that i wont think abt following up on, and part of that is irritating bc i want this version of sy to be unforgettable and not such a giant mess and my opinion since 2019 has jus changed so entirely. i thought i was going in knowing what i wanted, and now im like, oh well, i can figure out what i want when i rewrite. if i decide to cut, like, some underlying symbolism that needs to be addressed more than once or twice to stick/make sense, then i can! in vers #2. basically im trying to accept that current!sy is going to have loose threads and not be this amazing thing like i want it to be. im basically writing a rough draft and posting it for the world to see. when i get done im sure ill b supr excited to Be Done but also i know when i have everything written, when i have an ending, when i have everything on the table, that its gonna be so rewarding to piece together every little subplot and symbolic thing and repetitive stuff and tie it all together so concisely. i cant do that w sy #1. sometimes i get so excited to write sy #2 and think of how far off it is or the fact that i gotta get thru #1 and then i am not excited anymore.

but i do think abt it. when i came up w a new title (poss the same day i decided on a new scene 1?? poss diff day iunno) was when i p much solidified, alright, this is happening. that was last year. i was thinking tonight that i havent touched sy seriously since nov 20, or at least the end of that year, but then ik ive written so much for this one giant chapter and ik i took a break between thanksgiving and starting to write it bc unnecessarily i hyped myself up that when i finally got to the point i could start it, it was jus so daunting. like i couldnt believe id finally reached that series of points from my notes.

that was def before my surgery, so its probably almost been a year since ive actively written anything new for sy. i have struggled So Much w this chap bc i have to get to to a midpoint and its feeling like a chore to work my way up to it. while still making everything make sense. which is another thing. when i first started i told myself sy was gonna be like soul eater in the sense that i wanted everything from the past to be explained by actions in the present. lmao that didnt make sense basically for those that dont know se, there are no flashbacks. yoiu learn abt characters thru what they actively do in the story and what they choose to explain to others and what ppl comment abt them. i dont think its been hard per se but i rely a lot on flashbacks in my writing so w/o them its been harder to define things. ive already broken this rule a couple times n i have notes on a few other scenes in the past already which again ties into the whole, why dont you jus rewrite it how you want to??

the problem w that also is. wait ill get to that so no flashbacks. to go along w this i told myself that if i didnt wanna explain smth i didnt have to. a good example of this is ace's major, which i didnt specify bc it Wasnt Relevant/Didnt Matter, right, and if it doesnt matter then why should i waste time thinkin abt it? (it actually does matter now, surprisingly. i dont think its a plot point but its v touching n theres sentimentality behind it n its gonna b good) another example is a combo of these two, where im like okay so, im not writing the past n it doesnt matter bc theyre living in the present n im gonna have them work thru things in the present. xcept im not??? im not good at this ig. im realizing more and more that it matters, that i need more of a backstory than i think even if it never gets brought up if only for the fact that ill know more abt sy!sabo n sy!ace at the end of the day. like i keep saying, sabo does this and thinks like this, and has for a long time, but theres not a Reason attached to it. thats a big thing i decided to leave to sy #2 while also thinking i need some form of it in #1 as well. things i decided didnt matter suddenly Matter, now.

i feel like i say things then take them back, or have someone act this way and do things another. like there is no In Character. again this is ONLY gonna be fixed when i have everything written. im not gonna b so wishywashy in #2. but its killing me that i am now. and its making it difficult to write scenes when i dont know what a char should be doing, or when i end up writing them doing smth that doesnt make sense for them, and then that bypasses the Lite Editing. i am confusing myself and im the Author, like i know what happens next, at least in the long run,so i Know im leaving others hella confused and i dont like that either.

its been an hr and im still not done god what is life. maybe i needed to do this more than i thought

i love sy and i want this to be the op fic im known for, but if that doesnt happen until the revised, 2nd version, that is absolutely okay. ive had a new title for a bit, after being wishywashy abt it and deciding i prolly needed to distance myself from sy after getting thru it. tonight after thinking again abt how weird the new abb was gonna be i had a Thought and now i have a sub-title after going so long thinkin i wouldnt, for the new version, and the entire thing is an acronym that i am super excited to be able to share one day. for now i feel like i gotta put it somewhere besides my phone so heres to sy 2 one day: sys(tem) [for future ref this was gonna be (to even me) but then i thought of smth even Better that actually reads well n makes sense so!! hahaha now instead of calling it sys i can call it. system. if i end up changing it i will absolutely share this title]

i said when i first posted ch1 that i didnt have an ending but i knew sy was gonna b super long and that still holds. i know in theory what the last thing i have planned is but i dont know if thats where the storys gonna end. i jave a lot to address and i wanna do sy justice in some capacity which means tying up some of the main loose ends. i cant say for certain if they (all) will be at that point in the story. i wasnt kidding when i said sy was gonna b a thing for a long time

ill make this official (or maybe ill change my plan entirely by then) when i post the last ch of sy on ao3 but. putting here for posterity also since im rambling abt system thoughts maybe if i get it all outta the way i can leave it alone for a while. my plan is to finish uploading sy. then write system entirely. all of it. before posting. maybe in parts?? by that i mean breaks between updates. maybe all at once. when i do im gonna private sy bc that keeps comments intact while still hiding it from public view since itll basically be the same story as system, jus under a diff name. so the order is finish system>private sy>post system. i do not know how long this will take so sy could be up years before system is ready. i jus felt like i should warn ppl so if anyone wanted to like, download or save or w/e before its gone, or like jus generic warning before sy disappears. ik system will be the superior vers but also sy isnt bad n i dont wanna withhold it from ppl that wanna read it while system is in circulation

also ive decided none of this short chapter stuff. i dont even write sy divided at all n have such a hard time figuring out where to break sections for ao3 chaps. i thought it was gonna be fun naming chapters too but it was for for all of 2 maybe 3 and then it got to be such a chore. system chaps re gonna be massive and there will be far less of them. the first scene is going to be new content. the 2nd scene will be the 1st of sy. i feel like i can post the entirely in one go and be done? but also there will be SO much in each chap that i can also get away w spacing them out a lil. system isnt gonna be Just Like sy, but Rewritten, so i might not wanna post all at once bc that gives the impression that its basically the same?? at least i feel. system is gonna be sy Improved. if that makes sense. i feel like when ppl (n me) do rewrites its updating everything to newer writing. like rewriting the same thing you wrote 5 yrs ago is not gonna be different fundamentally but it will read a lot better bc youve had 5 years to grow/improve. system is not going to be like that. its the fix to sy. its making things more comprehendible. i started before 1 and its 230 :'c

i am. glancing over the draft bc i have no self control so one more point. i have a 'slowly reveal over time' list and Half of these ar things i dont know how to address properly. or where theyre going at the end of the day. so like, when sy is done, i can go back in system and introduce them properly AND THEN carry them properly throughout the story. theres only One on here thats gonna b one of those unforgettable twists that im p sure defines the midpoint of the fic, and thats gonna be a spoiler for system but also i think its gonna be one of those fun things where youll catch all the hints if you know going in, so its gonna be fun too. otherwise the others are all gonna benefit from being handled better the 2nd time around.

ok if i do have prelim stuff for system its somewhere else n i dont have time to dig (nor do i want to) - if you read thru this whole rant bless you. heres a reward: the next chap of sy is the first big turning point of the story. i am super excited to post it. i am still going to wait n hold myself to finishing the 2nd half before posting the 1st half. i feel like writing the 2nd half in full will contextualize things better and ill end up going back to change things in pt 1 so i dont wanna post it then say Sike, Read It Again. i am so excited tho. i think? ive been away for long enough that it wont be so hard to start writing it again, i jus cant now lmao. i kept myself from touching it during school and overloaded myself during winter break and thats spilled into spring term. i write so much all at once n i cant rly afford to write for sy now so its still gonna be prolly until summer/may, but like i think the length of pt1/2 back to back will make up for it.

this is all jus throwing out my struggles n why things have been so slow. there are so many things i cant wait to get to in sy. my interest hasnt died at all. (and then even after its done, ill still have more to look forward to)

also im highkey not tagging this w anything if u find it n its relevant to u good for u i guess

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blackcat-exe · 3 years

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for a while ive felt as though my depression and anxiety have lowered since i stopped smoking (and convinced myself that i was doing better), but lately ive felt so unmotivated for anything and i feel like most of the time im just getting through the week. which, to be honest, is how ive felt my whole life - at least since high school 💀

sometimes i think i have a good idea of where im at in my life and how my mood is most days, only to realize im not making as much progress as i think and end up feeling shitty about it. i think the main problem is the social anxiety; having to go to work and talk to people and make conversation is so exhausting.. even if in the moment i feel excited for someone or engage positively with the conversations (also the caffeine helps lol but only for my physical energy...)

i just need to remember that i wont be cured of any mental illness just because i make one change, even if its for the better and is the obvious solution. change takes time and i need to be patient. i can let myself rest for now but i will eventually need to put in more effort and learn to be comfortable having friends and connecting with other people. im at peace in solitude (most of the time) only because it is familiar and comforting. i think i fear dealing with some form of narcissism.. almost like i dont have the mental capacity to care about other peoples problems :( i should learn to let go and give in to the complexity of someone elses life and experiences so that i can see other people are capable of doing the same for myself. but for now im only writing this down as a thought and not as a goal because isolation is just so easy :/

#this got really long lol #but yeah just been thinking #thoughts

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fair-dinkum-mechanic · 7 years

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dont really post anymore because nobody really cares.

dont really speak much much nobody really cares.

dont really speak much because i just make people angry all the time. i dont like making people angry i only like to make people laugh or have fun or feel happy but i cant do that because im really a failure of a person.

cant handle my experiences and my life being completely burshed over and shut down and im expected to just take her ‘word for it’.

i cant trust a single fucking person in this world i cant even trust my fucking self its too much its TOO MUCH.

i wish i could just wear a giant flashing sign that said ‘thank you for being kind to me and showing love or affection but i have a huge conrete wall in front of me that i cant break through to react accordingly. i know i never used to be like this but its how i am now and its way way too hard to get past it’

i understand that i am not meant to be happy. i understand that fully.

i understand that i am lazy and my suffering is all my own fault for being a lazy, unmotivated coward. i understand all of that i get it.

NOBODY wants to believe me and NOBODY wants to think that i really truly think all of these things. its easier to be angry i suppose. easier to be angry at me and thats fair nobody owes me anything at all.

i have started to do it again and i dont exactly know why but im happy i am. i can really truly understand how worthless and aggrrivating i am to everyone all the time. maybe i say funny things every so often but how does that make me worth anything? i dont think it does. I hear every week my family talking about me and how difficult and awful i am to deal with and its just a choice that ive made to be like this. i understand that is all my fault, i do, i never blame anyone else for how i am. its all me, im a dysfunctional wreck of a human and i do deserve to be dead. ive deserved that for years and years yet i selfishly still keep myself here out of, yet again, fucking FEAR.

i know im a bad person. i know i am I KNOW THIS. i know i dont deserve many of the things i have or have had in the past I KNOW. im ugly i know. i dont have muscles, i know. im not tall and nicely set i KNOW.

sometimes i think maybe i feel like i wouldve been better as a girl, but then again i dont know if any of that is real or just me trying to find a reason for all of my shit that i feel. also i know if i ended out to be that a lot and a lot of people would HATE me so much. also if i was that i know people would turn around and treat me like a special flower when i wouldnt be.

but then i dont think i am. perhaps i am fluid in that way but my gender really doesnt mean much to me.

thats not a huge problem for me anyway. i dont care about it much.

i just dont knwo.

i dont trust anyone. i dont trust anyone at all. tahts my own fault. to trust people you have to be good enough for them to stand up for you and not hurt you.i wasnt good enough for that and i wont be good enough for that because I am a BAD PERSON. not jsut a bad person an AWFUL person who deserves every little bit of pain that i get. i try to be good, i promise i do, i really really really try. I hope people can believe me when i say i truly do have pure intentions for others and just want to make people happy but i just fuck it up all the time and nobody ever sees it that way. i can spot bad people i can spot bad ehaviour that is hurting others but nobody cares because i think it just appears as me being a bitch or manipulative. maybe i am maybe i think im doing the right thing but im just being a cunt the whole time.

i cannot imagine what its like to wake up and being able ot plan your own day out without having to worry what others will say to you or make you do or get upset an d angry about. i like to be asleep because when i am asleep i dont have to worry about my actions or descisons being the wrong ones as they always always are. every day i do many many things wrong and i cant think which one is the right thing to do because i cant come up with it. if i lay down on my bed all day i am a bad person because i am lazy. if i go out alone it is bad because i am avoiding. if i go out with my friends or bf its bad because i shoudlnt be gay and also i should do work with my time not recreation. if i apply for the wrong job it is bad, but also i dont ned to study i just need to have motivation todo something but i cant i dont know im worthless anything i do will be worthless.

what is it like to just eat when you would like to eat and sleep when you would liek to sleep and clea how and when you wuld like to clean. id ont understand and i dont think i can do it its just too much and to o foreign to me.

part of me wouldve been like ‘oh yeah all those ex friends that dogged me will see when im dead how muchthey hurt me yeah THATLL show them’ but for about a year now its just been ‘whatever. they wont care. maybe theyll even think good riddance because now i cant bitch about them anymore. its probably best for everyone i do anyway because it really truly does seem like i am the bad guy in every situation’.

nobody sitcks up for me in those situations. maybe because i pretend like i have the strength to stand up for myself so everybody else wants to remain friends with the people who hurt me. i dont knwo i dont understand but its whatever because in the grand scheme of thigns i shouldnt even be here anymore in the first place.

its logic. its the only thing that maeks sense. i should not be here and every second that passes where i still draw breath is another second that i hurt SOMEONE at least. i dont LIKE hurting people and i wish that i didnt hurt people merely by being alive but i DO and nothing can change that. whats even WORSE is that i have such strong opinions and beliefs and such an obnoxious personality that i cant seem to shake. i dont WANT those anymore. i wish i could be rid of them for good so i could have the best shot at NOT annoying people at least with it.

people are going to thin kthat all of this is just ditorted mentall illness thoughts but i dont think it is i think its all true and i think its the only 100% truth that i know without a doubt. things would be EASIER without me around. so much easier. so so so sososos so much easier. and if people hat eme thats okay because i expect that from every single person eventually. everybody gives up on me. ive given up on me so i think thats why. i am BEYOND any turning back i dont knwo what i even mean i dont even understand how to express how i dont think anything can be done for me. i dont believe anything can be done for me.

but thats okay because i am just babbling at the void because its the only time i can express anything i ever think. bad bad bad bad bad bad bad. i dont like it at all.

ad nobody needs to worry about me killing myself yet because i am far far far too scared to. my cat also would never understand and she still needs me and she loves me so much and cant understand any of this so i cant do that to her because she is extremely innocent and doesnt deserve whatever would happent o her without me. she worries and frets if im not home until late i couldnt bear the thought of leaving her forever.

#i ahte myself so much #this si so old im sorry for even posting it #nobody is expectd to read it at all and i dont think anybody will because its stupid #its not here for anyone to read anyway #its here for me to thik and realize

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