#but it isn’t 3.5 hours of depressing CGI aliens and greenscreened suits of armor and dehydrated men

[spending-life-pretending]

Watching the Sam Raimi Spider-Man for the first time in the year 2021 is a TRIP oh my god my dad and I only made it through half tonight so here are my thoughts so far:

If I’d had to guess how this movie opened on a multiple choice test, I would not have gone with “Peter Parker delivers a rom-com monologue via voiceover that somehow sets Mary Jane up as the main character of this movie and then laments not being a guy with gelled spikes in his hair”

This bus driver is the worst and probably should be fired

Peter kept pace with this bus for like,,,multiple streets?? Pre-spider bite????

He gets on and is immediately told “ugh you can’t sit with us” by characters who are confusingly styled to look way more Classic Nerd than him. Meanwhile Peter is the blandest looking dude I’ve ever seen. Why do they hate him. He is literally just some guy

Kirsten Dunst’s wig looks like it’s made from the same material as my sister’s old Ariel doll’s hair. It’s so synthetic it’s shiny

So in the beginning Peter’s like “Mary Jane Watson, the girl next door” and she helps him on the bus so I thought they were kinda childhood friends, but then on the field trip he’s all “no I could never talk to her what would I say” and later has a practice conversation with himself where he’s like “hey MJ, idk if you know this but we’ve been neighbors for seven years” so I was like um ok maybe she just…somehow hasn’t noticed that her classmate’s bedroom window is like literally six feet from hers? BUT THEN WHEN HES TAKING OUT THE TRASH she’s just like “hey Peter what’re your plans after graduation also your aunt and uncle seem so nice” so I guess she DOES know him?? I’m confused

Everything in this movie is so colorful. I am a 2010s movie child and ive long since forgotten all but the grimdark greys. I’m like a starving person shoveling food into my mouth at a feast. My overwhelmed eyes are burning, and yet I cannot look away

The screen in this lab just reads GENETIC RESEARCH INSTITUTE and it’s my favorite part of this movie so far.

Oh my god they didn’t even know about CRISPR yet

I may only have been a genetics major for three semesters but my god the science in this movie is bringing me indescribable levels of joy. “We used the tDNA to fuse all 3 spider genomes into one spider” YOU DID WHAT

“Oh all the mice were fine except this one group that got aggressive and went insane” “well sounds like the next step is human trials” BITCH?!??

The other scientist dude is like “no willem dafoe we cannot safely move to human trials when one of the mice groups went insane!!!😫” SIR YOU ARE MISSING THE POINT AND BY THE POINT I MEAN THE STEPS THAT COME BETWEEN TRIALS ON LAB RATS AND TRIALS ON HUMAN BEINGS

I’m having a great time

This is great because he wakes up and has super-spider DNA which apparently means he gets Cool Spider Traits such as: webs! climbing hook stickers! spidey-sense and reflexes! But then also it just made him super buff for no reason

Mary Jane: omg your glasses covered up how blue your eyes are! Me, who hasn’t seen a color on a tv since 2011 and literally thought ‘holy shit his eyes are so blue’ within 5 minutes of starting the movie: MJ what the fuck are you talking about

Practical special effects my beloved

Outrageously cheesy visual effects my beloved

I’m sure it’s not, but I do love that the web ropes—when they actually exist onscreen—look exactly like the fake spiderwebs you can buy at party city for halloween

MCU cowards WISH they had the balls to make Peter Parker stick his perky little ass out every time he climbs a wall

Octavia Spencer

I did NOT know he canonically gets his name from an off-brand WWE announcer at a somewhat underground fighting ring (I say somewhat bc they advertised in the paper and also it appears to be taking place at 2pm)

Speaking of that fighting ring, the writers get Peter there by making him desperate for money. Oh, is it because his beloved Uncle Ben was unfairly laid off at work, as we were told in his first scene, and the family is struggling? No it’s because Peter has decided via the power of montage and overlay that the only thing keeping him from being irresistible to MJ is his lack of a car

This movie. Is something else.

Pretty sure Peter doesn’t understand what people are saying to him 90% of the time. Or the script is just full of non-sequiters. Aunt May’ll be like “Peter what are you doing in here? We heard loud noises” and Peter’s like “ok thank you” and shuts the door

The whole script is like that, actually. They said on GOD we will communicate some exposition to you right now

The maaaaaybe 1.5-minute long scene of Green Goblin blowing up the Quest jetpack man has made me the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. I want to marry this scene. It’s only made better by the immediate hard cut to a bunch of teenagers graduating

Willem Dafoe is the hottest person in this movie and it’s making me kind of uncomfortable tbh

SURRENDER DOROTHY

Had an out-of-body moment when I realized my brain recognized the sound of Mary Jane screaming because it matched the way Amy March screams in Little Women (1994) as she falls through the ice. This makes sense, considering Kirsten Dunst plays both characters; however, I watched LW 94 so much as kid that for a brief moment my brain pinged the sound as familiar on a personal level and it somehow surprised me to hear Kirsten Dunst’s voice coming out of Kirsten Dunst’s mouth

The amount of butt shots in these action scenes is genuinely astounding

That’s all for now I cannot wait to finish this rollercoaster of a film tomorrow

#me #spiderman #sam raimi #tobey maguire #Peter Parker #marvel #guys it is just amazing to me how much this genre has changed in 20 years #and Hollywood as a whole #this feels like a fucking comic book brought to life! #is it deep? #no! #is it nuanced? #not particularly! #but it isn’t 3.5 hours of depressing CGI aliens and greenscreened suits of armor and dehydrated men #all colored in a beautiful greyscale with the same two beats of music played over it #so you know what? #I’m enjoying myself!!