#but LMAO i literally made myself so upset writing their argument i was just sitting there going NOOOO stop fighting ;------;

[good-beanswrites]

Fe Aspec Week Day 4: Acceptance

This week on I Accidentally Made Myself Sad With My Own Angst :( As much as I know Forsyth would be the most accepting person in all of Valentia, I think his own insecurities/mindset would cause a bit of tension during his childhood with Python. It has a happy ending but I wanted to explore just a bit of that first...

“Python!” 

Forsyth’s tiny hands trembled, clutching the gift that he’d bought with his very own money. His father didn't need to know.

Python scrambled down the big oak tree to meet him. He tugged at the dress his father probably made him wear for the holiday. His hair had already come loose from it's braid, likely caught on the twigs and leaves of the tree. Forsyth waited anxiously at it's base for him to come down.

When he arrived, Forsyth shoved the box forward. He startled both of them with the force of it.

“I – I – I have this. For you. Will you – I mean – I would –” Forsyth’s cheeks burned red. It was clear what he was asking. There would be no other reason you’d give someone a perfectly wrapped package of sweets on the Day of Devotion unless you were asking them the question.

Python looked down at it. The two had been friends for so long, it took only a second for Forsyth to understand exactly what it meant. 

“Oh…” He felt his stomach twist up in a knot. His throat started to constrict. “I know Father doesn’t like you, but he doesn’t much like anyone. S-so we can make it work!”

“Fors…”

“We could keep it a secret!” Then, in desperation, “we could – we could run away together!”

“Fors!” Python whined. “C’mon, you know we’re too young for that!” With one hand he took the chocolates, and the other took Forsyth's arm. “We’re supposed to be climbing trees and playing pranks on Teacher – not doing gushy grown-up love stuff.”

Forsyth bit his lip. He didn’t think it was gushy at all. He didn’t trust his voice to speak; with one word he may just start bawling right here. The last thing he needed was to be scolded for being so emotional. 

Python beamed as if he hadn’t just shattered Forsyth’s heart into a million pieces. “Let’s just take it slow, okay? We’ll have plenty of time for all that when we’re older, okay?”

He coaxed a small nod from Forsyth.

“Speaking of! I heard Teach left the schoolhouse window open – have I got the perfect plan! We’ll share the chocolates after, okay? You’re my best friend, we should split them.”

I don’t want to split them. Forsyth let himself be tugged along. I wanted to give them all to you. To give everything to you.

He grit his teeth as they ran. He wasn’t the type to accept defeat after a small setback like this. So, Python wasn’t ready. That was fine. One day he would be. And Forsyth would be there. It was like every book he’d read: the steadfast knight would get the beautiful lover, if he was just patient enough.

He said a quick prayer to Mila, that one day they’d stop being friends, and true love would win out.

—

“Python!”

Forsyth’s hands trembled, his fists balled up in fury. 

“I am sick and tired of this.”

“Oh you’re tired of this? Then quit fucking confessing every single year. Every year it’s the same speech, and the same shitty plan to run away together. We’re not in some fairy tale, Fors. Just give it up.” Python moved to take a sip from his drink, turning his back. Though they’d both come of age, it wasn’t ale. Though it wasn’t ale, they both spoke as loudly as if they’d each had a barrel to drink. It was a good thing Python’s father was out all night; there was no one in the tiny house to hear them argue.

Forsyth grabbed the cup away before he could take a sip. It earned him a hard look, but a direct one. “I’m not tired of confessing, I’m tired of this type of disrespect!” He placed the drink down a foot away. “You can’t just be honest with me and tell me why I’m not good enough for you – it’s infuriating!”

“I am honest. I’ve told you, this has nothing to do with you. It’s me who–”

“Oh-ho, don’t give me that tired cliche! Every year, it’s another cryptic excuse, another roundabout lie!” He flung his hands in wild gestures, his voice pitching. “You say you’re not ready for commitment, yet you spend every day with me regardless. You say you would make a terrible housemate, yet you stay over at my home for weeks at a time. You say you’re not ready to be with someone, yet I catch word that you shared a bed with the innkeeper!”

“What, you jealous or something?”

“That is exactly what I am. And how dare you act like I’m the crazy one for it!” Tears threatened his eyes, but he pushed through. “I have been by your side your entire life, looking out for you, caring for you, giving all of myself over to you! And here you are, laughing in the face of my love! Like - like it’s another one of your jokes!

“Oh, you're jealous, huh? So is that why you do it? You do all that for me just to get laid at the end of the day? Well if you’d said that sooner, I would have happily –”

“You know that’s not what I meant!”

“Then what do you mean?”

“It doesn’t make any damned sense, Python!”

“It does, if you would just pipe down and listen when I –”

“Pipe down?” 

“Yeah! If you’d let me finish a damned sentence this will all make sense!”

“Fine then, go ahead and finish – give me one good reason why you don’t want to be with me!”

“When you’re acting like this I could give you a hundred!” Python swatted his cup away, spilling the drink all over the floor. He stormed out of the room.

A heavy silence fell over the house. Forsyth gathered his things. He left. He finally let his tears fall.

It was simple, he decided. All he needed to do was accept the fact that this relationship was going nowhere. Python didn't love him, and he'd just need to imagine whatever reasons he could. They should simply end things before they got any more hurt. 

End our friendship...

He cried through the night, unable to even muster a word to Mila. 

—

“Python!”

Forsyth’s hand was steady as it took the man’s shoulder. The pair locked eyes. 

“Run away with me.”

The wind rustled the leaves overhead. Usually the area was bustling with chaos as the new building was erected, but Python was the only one to stay back today. Forsyth would have teased him for the irony, if it hadn’t presented him with the perfect opportunity to ask his question.

Python rolled his eyes. “Har-har. I thought today was Day of Devotion, not Flostym Fools'…”

“Huh?” Forsyth’s expression flashed with confusion, then horror. “O-oh! Not like that, of course! Oh gods, I meant… the Deliverance.”

He spread his hands. “It’s clear we’ll never get the approval we seek to join. So I propose we do it in secret. Everyone will be distracted by the village festivities tonight. If we don’t come home right away, everyone will assume it’s for… the festivities. It will give us a reasonable head start. We won’t need to worry about them catching up to us by the time they finally realize we’ve gone.”

He looked eagerly to Python. 

“Heh, using all the hype around love to make our escape... you’re a true ally after all, Fors!”

Forsyth’s look soured. “L-listen. I swear, I would never ask you that again. I mean, we got over that years ago. I nearly lost you to that argument, and I shall never make the same mistake again. I know how much pain I put you through, and I would never dream of –”

“Hey. I know. You had a lot on your mind, then.” He let out a loud sigh. “Which is why I’m gonna come along with you. Somebody’s gotta help you find that special someone, right?”

“Do you mean it? Wait, what is that supposed to mean?”

With a hearty laugh, Python pulled him into a hug. Forsyth held him close. Reality may not follow a path like the perfect little fairy tales he read as a child, but that made it no less perfect.

“So… that’s a yes?”

Python leaned back so he could study his face. “You’re really serious about this, huh?”

“W-were you not?”

“Eh, I’m not serious about anything…” He offered his hand. “But I’m in. I’m always in.”

Forsyth accepted it, clasping it within both of his. He found himself too choked up for words, though he didn’t care if anyone saw him cry. He wiped tears from his cheeks and smiled at Python’s kindhearted teasing.

He thanked the gods that they would never stop being friends.

#fe aspec week #fe echoes #fe python #fe forsyth #forsython #i got a little carried away asfsdf this ended up much longer than intended (whats new 💀) #as someone who reads forsyth as a hopeless romantic its just something i think was important to explore between them #but LMAO i literally made myself so upset writing their argument i was just sitting there going NOOOO stop fighting ;------; #i would have included trans python anyway because i really like that - but also it shows that forsyth truly is accepting #its specifically the fact that hes fallen in love that turns it into an insecurity issue instead of an acceptance one here #and once he realizes that (after their big fight) hes able to get over his own personal stuff and really be there for python #sorry i got a bit cheesy with the section parallels 😅 im a sucker for that but even i can admit it was a bit much this time #i know they wouldnt have the same terminology in fantasy-medieval stuff but 'ally' just fit so perfectly and i hope wasnt too jarring

[zirkkun]

I can't sleep so I'm gonna ramble for a minute here about. uh. 2020 i guess lol everyone else is so might as well jump on the bandwagon.

Be aware this is really really fucking long so it's a commitment to read it lmao sorry i just cannot sleep and i guess i had more on my mind about this year than i thought. I also did not proofread this at all. I just started writing and didn't look back lol

This year was... Weird for me. It started out with me feeling my best in January, comfortable and positive as I did my nth playthrough of DBH with friends and finally having enough alts of my boy Alfonse in FEH to have a team of Just him to fight with. (Priorities, right?) February hit, and things were still going good. I met Ray Chase and had him sign a print I did of Roy and Alfonse in some casual outfits for a scrapped au I wrote years ago. (And I gave him one 😊). Hell, like, covid was just coming around when me and my friends went to the con that weekend and a breakout of it hit the city just south of where the con was like a week before, but I was genuinely so excited for it that like I was like "Yeah, if i die, i die. Whatever happens happens." God, at this point, the Alfonse gc I was in was still alive and I still didn't talk to anyone in the group outside of that gc. Lowkey miss it tbh. But oh well. Things move on.

But that con was like... Stressful. I usually have fair amounts of stress at cons, being around so many people, I fear theft, unwanted contact, y'know, the standard; but my friend group was so filled with tension that it was absolutely painful. We'd been split most of the weekend, and if the two groups came together, it was hell, because it just caused unwanted arguments. I felt really bad cause I didn't want them to be upset, yknow? But i also wanted to hang out with my friends all at once. So i swapped between the groups a bit over the weekend. And blew WAY more money than I should have and lowkey it kind of fucked me over for the rest of the year cause I haven't had a job all year outside of, like, a local church job that pays at a rare max of $100 a month ;w;

I'd been struggling in school the previous semester already, about halfway through having just stopped going to classes altogether, yet still somehow managed to pass everything with B's and A's. The next semester rolled around, and I thought at first the distraction and inability to do anything was because of the con, and as it persisted after, I thought it was just post-con depression. But, as it turned out, no, it's just been my biggest relapse of depression since the end of high school, and frankly, it's only gotten worse since. I can't sleep rn because I'm between not wanting to do anything because I have a lack of emotions and motivation and not feeling deserving of sleep lol. I checked out of school on February 28th, however, I was convinced I was merely demotivated by my surroundings -- at this point, I was studying Japanese, and one of my friends at the time was a (although probably unintentionally) complete braggart about how much he was studying and how he was improving... not to mention he was textbook example of "This is an Actual Weeaboo, don't Fucking Do this." (One of many reasons i said friend at the time lol) it was just... So draining being around him, and I had to see him in class every day of the week. I barely scraped together assignments last-minute and never studied under the idea of "What does it matter if I'm not putting in my 100%?" So I checked out, with plans of transferring for the following semester.

Well, then March hit. Y'all know how March went down lmao.

I pretty much locked myself in my room at all times during March, going between Animal Crossing and BOTW (which actually racked up like 200ish hours i think according to the nintendo year in review i had lmao). I started making a bit closer online friends at this point, notably @levitumbling who decided to take me in as his channel designer for YouTube and I've been ever since! But. Of course. My first task? A Sans meme. My payment? One Switch copy of Undertale because he considered it a disgrace that I'd never played the game before.

Now, let me tell you. I was fuckin scared to play this game. I held onto it for weeks between the fear of "My friend bought me this and i should play this" and "I told myself I'd never touch this game with a 20 mile pole because of how much it's been shoved down my throat over the years." So, one day, I don't remember when, early April, I said, fuck it, I'll play it for a little bit, just enough to say "hey i played it for a bit!" and then never go back.

The only thing that stopped me from beating the whole thing in one sitting was it was the crack of dawn when I passed out, extremely tired and extremely frustrated by the fact I couldn't beat Muffet. Yes, I got that far in one sitting I intended to play for 15 minutes tops.

Now. Let me fuckin tell you. About my first playthrough of Undertale. I haven't gone into a game knowing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about it like... I think ever. Usually I know what style of game it is, the genre, the main plot premise. I knew nothing other than the existence of Sans (and, as it turned out, I'd heard some of the soundtrack pieces before, notably Bonetrousle I heard this cover of it in a radio livestream a while back and never really looked it up, but was always excited when the radio looped back around to it being on; and I'd heard Dating Start! because that's Alpharad's go-to sponsorship ost lmao.) But anyway. I was completely in the dark. Do yall mind if i just go through some highlights of my favorite memories? This is supposed to be a summary of the year but I mean, I think this made a big enough impact on me to really like. Discuss it a bit.

I watched the whole opening cutscene, started a new game under my old screenname, "Yoru," since in naming the "Fallen Child," I assumed they were dead. Well, I was a little surprised to just be that child, alive, two seconds later, but whatever, I rolled with it.

I genuinely trusted Flowey right away. Like no shit. He told me run into the "friendliness pellets" and I didn't even fucking question it. And when Toriel came in? And she said to follow her? I straight up was like "Why the hell should I trust you?? That guy just tried to kill me what says you wont?" I followed only because the game made me but i was Wary the whole time. It took me a LONG time to warm up to Toriel.

Now. Let me tell you how stupid I am as well. The game says over and over right, "Don't fight. Spare. Have Mercy when names are Yellow." Well, I took this literally. I didn't understand the Act mechanic most of the time, and when something didn't work I just said, fuck it, and fought them. If their name didn't turn yellow, I just fought them. "They don't want Mercy if their name isn't yellow, right?" After a while, I'd started getting bored of fighting and would just run away, but like, I came to a point where I was like "I have a really low level, I'm really going to regret this later on if I don't grind for a while."

I don't know when I stopped but. I think I was only one or two kills away from a genocide run accidentally my first playthrough, based on how I think I was LV 3 and looking at genocide playthroughs, you're LV 3 or 4 when you fight Toriel. Like. Holy fuck. I can't imagine what I would have thought of this game if that happened lmao.

Speaking of Toriel, still didn't trust her, at all. When we got to Home, and after I did Every Single different phrase she says when you go downstairs before you talk to her reading about snails; I did not Hesitate to ask "cool uh when the fuck can I leave?" When we got to the Ruins exit I was like, ah, here it is. The betrayal from her I was expecting, where she tries to kill me. Well, nothing on the Act menu worked, right? So... I fought and killed her. I didn't really care, actually. I just kept going.

Then meeting Sans and Papyrus happened. I lost my fucking shit at this part, mostly when they were talking, because every time Sans made a pun it would zoom in on him and do a rimshot. The puns were not funny and I was definitely on Pap's side of "oh my GOD shut up." But that fucking zoom in and rimshot was just so fourth wall breaking and unexpected. Fuck, it still gets me. Anyway. Game continues. I again lose my shit at (insane spinning in random directions) "OH MY GOD! IS THAT A HUMAN?" "uh, i think that's a rock." "OH. WAIT! WHAT'S THAT IN FRONT OF THE ROCK?? (IS IT A HUMAN??)" "(yes.)" "OH MY GOD!!!" and still think these two moments in the game are Peak comedy. Oh, and let me tell you, I did not like either of these two at this point. Sans I was like, okay, hes kind of a dumbass in a funny way, but Papyrus is a dumbass in a way that just annoys me. Genuinely the archetype that misses social cues and therefore has miscommunication usually just annoys me to no end. (Mostly for the miscommunication. It's my least favorite trope and makes me unreasonably angry.) But yeah. Wasn't really a fan. But out of everyone so far? Definitely found Sans to be the most tolerable. But that's about all I thought of him lmao.

Getting to Snowdin, with the Papyrus battle, remember how I said I didn't like Papyrus? And yes, this was something I genuinely thought at one point, I genuinely hated Papyrus, imagine that. What a wild world that is. But anyway. You know how his Act menu has the "Flirt" option? I, for no reason, gunned it for the Flirt option, even though I did not want to. Then when he was like "WE'LL GO ON A DATE! LATER!!" i was like yea sure okay lmao. Again, couldn't figure out the Act menu to turn his name yellow, so I fought him, and he was one or two attacks from dying (miraculously) when he ended the battle. I spared him here cause, well, he spared me, it was only fair. Then this guy again is like "ILL BE AT MY HOUSE WHEN YOU WANT TO GO ON THAT DATE!" and i was like haha funny but still turned around to go on the date. Like why? I have no idea. I think I was more like "haha hes probably not gonna be there and its just cause i picked that option and lo and behold there was an actual fucking date. Oh my god. I have never in my life been on a video game date where one party was convinced I was infatuated with them and im here on the other side of the screen like "oh my god make this end i can't stand being around you.???" But still. The date was. Really fucking funny. I wish I could experience it for the first time again like holy shit. There are few playthroughs I did after this where I didn't go on the Pap date, even if I just spedrun through it.

So then you get to Waterfall and Sans is there like "hey wanna go to grillbys" and i was like sure why not so we go there and my choices were fries & ketchup (so i did not get the legendary scene where he chugged a bottle of ketchup, but i sure did my second playthrough, and let me tell you, i was disgusted). But like. This whole experience at grillby's like, the whoopee cushion, him using a comb on his bald ass skull, him just fuckin unapologetically scratching his ass for no reason?? Bro i was like "why the fuck is this guy part of the Tumblr Sexymen™ group ??? He's so ????? Gross???????" and like i still have this question tbh lmao. But like. Okay so he asks you "what do you think of my bro?" And my genuine answer was "uncool" and he was like "hey man sarcasm isnt funny" and can i just mention how like inheritly manipulative sans actually is like fuck he does things like this where he throws your answer the other way a few times and Every time it actually swayed me the other way. Because right here I went. "Oh. Maybe Papyrus is better than I thought." Like holy fuck maybe i should be more aware if something like that can sway my opinion so easily LMAO.

Anyway waterfall i genuinely was very bored of the whole time. I spent like a genuine 20 minutes figuring out the puzzle where you have to talk to a wall and I actually didn't realize you could move the telescope around. What helped me solve it is my friend's advice before I played it. "Inspect everything. Even talk to walls. Trust me." And literally thats how I solved it. But pretty much everything in Waterfall otherwise bored me. I did think it was pretty though, and did enjoy reading the lore, but when it started talking about monster biology my one fear had been realized: oh god, oh fuck. My original species for my own series also has physical Souls and die by turning to dust because they're made entirely of magic. God fuck. My luck, it has to be something popular, so now everyone's gonna think I'm a ripoff. But, at the same time, I do think it helped me understand monster biology (and it helped me come up with the ULR biology) better, because I've put in a lot of thought to existence of a species that exists only by magic and a Soul (which, mine only actually have half a Soul, as a full Soul makes a being immortal, which was also similar to the boss monsters in a way). It definitely made a lot more sense for like, the skeletons n stuff for me, because like my characters are wholly shapeshifters but usually take human form, and while they have "organs" in the places humans would have them, they don't operate. They're just placeholders, because they just live with their Soul. So I've always thought the same with UT monsters, since the skelebros can live without organs, that means so do the rest of the monsters, even if they have animal-like appearances.

Off topic lmao. Back to UT. So, the Undyne fight was kind of the turning point for me. She was pissing me off so much during this whole game and like I was like "if theres another fucking part where I have to run away from her im going to scream." Well, once again, her name wasn't yellow, so I wasn't going to spare her... and, actively, I made the decision to kill her, because I didn't want to deal with her still chasing me later on in the game. It took me a long time to beat her, and when I did, I texted my friend (@cheshiregrinnbuttoneyes ) in excitment like "YES I FINALLY KILLED UNDYNE" and she texted back like "YOU DID WHAT?????" and i was like "i.... Killed Undyne????" she replies, "YOU DONT HAVE TO OMFG WHY" and im like "I DIDN'T HAVE TO?? THERE'S OTHER OPTIONS?????" and shes like "YES OMFG THAT'S LITERALLY THE PREMISE OF THE GAME" and im "WHAT."

So then. I get that call from Papyrus like. "HEY! YOU ME AND UNDYNE SHOULD HANG OUT SOMETIME!"

oh my god the guilt i felt.

alphys on undernet being like "omfg i forgot to watch undyne fight the human. ah ill ask her about it later she never loses <3"

bro. i nearly fuckin cried. i was like. Not to mention I'd gotten the crush question right for Mettaton's quiz in answering Undyne (bc i was like "plz be gay plz be gay") so it fucking cut like a knife what I'd done.

I don't remember when I let myself get passed it. But I do know that the whole story arc between Alphys and Mettaton went way over my head. Like, i know im probs the minority on this, but I adore Alphys, I have since I first met her in game, and like, when Mettaton was like "ALPHYS HAS BEEN LYING TO YOU!" i just went "...nah."

Also, I didnt like mettaton at this point, cause I thought he was being really obnoxious, and then the turn around to betray Alphys really kinda pissed me off.

But like.

Oh my god.

Remember how I said I swapped my opinion on Pap earlier bc of Sans's comment? Yeah that was a pretty fast turnaround, but it still took me a few times.

But the second i saw mettaton ex

I was like

"HIM. HE. HE'S THE ONE I LOVE."

Like, full turnaround from Undyne, I actively refused to kill him. All times I thought he was an asshole? Forgotten. Me thinking he's a selfish prick? Gone. Nada. Nothing. Pure adoration. Suddenly every flaw he had was pushed aside purely from how hot I thought he was. Also, fuckin, im really glad i played this when no one in my house was awake, because I still didn't understand the Act mechanic here, and every time you attack mettaton he has this like moan he does and im like oh my god. stop. omfg.

At the end, too, when there was the calls and everything, when he had his big turnaround, I was just so happy for him I genuinely cried. Also, I had to do his battle probably the most out of everyone's in the game (not including genocide), so when it came around to his battle during the (glitchless) speedruns i did, i was more invested in how fast I could rack up points, cause you need 10k rating points to pass, and I actually did get that before he lost his legs, but apparently he needed to lose those too before you passed lol. Unfortunate.

Anyway after Alphys talked to you and everything, i genuinely went to see if Mettaton was still there, but he wasn't :( so i just went to New Home. I was very ill prepared for the fight against Asgore and the only reason I struggled with it so much was because my only healing items were like. Something that healed like 10 or 12 hp and the snowman piece. I was LV 9 when i finished the game, so like, my HP was pretty high, but i didnt have the G to buy items, so i was pretty much fucked. Yes. I had to eat the snowman to win.

Oh speaking of terrifying shit though. Photoshop flowey? My god. I haven't been afraid of a video game boss so much since I was a little kid. It was like 3 am and i was not prepared for him to just delete my save file and then kill me on repeat, glitching and breaking everything as he pleased. Bruh i was genuinely scared. Like, not even just, "oh yikes :(" or something. Like, crying scared. Lmao im an emotional bitch by nature.

I of course had to restart from the beginning again to get the True Pacifist ending. I was very careful to never touch the Fight button literally ever. And, it actually took me a while to reset, because I hate erasing my original save files, yknow? But, well, as it turned out? While technically New Game+ by naming, resetting doesn't erase everything you did. It wasn't a new file. I was a little confused at first to be honest. Toriel saying things were familiar, remembering things I said, Papyrus and Undyne both recognizing me, like. It was unnerving.

When I got to the end, i had to look up how to get Alphys's date (since my friend told me the way to unlock TP was to go on all the dates, but Alphys's was definitely designed in mind of you turning around from New Home and going back to talk to people rather than a new reset. So after unlocking it, getting through Alphys's date (i still remember being like, verbally, "omg alphys you look so nice??" When she came out with the dress on and then had a thought to myself like... since when do i care about what people look like? since when do i compliment people? At that point, while I didn't consider myself to be a rude person, I definitely wasn't exactly all that concerned about others for anything. Sure, I cared about others' lives, but I tended to be a bit more judgemental internally, and just. Didn't really give a fuck about what people did in the most negative sense possible, unless it involved me. Yet, it rolled off my tongue like it was something id say normally to anyone. I really wonder if this is the true turning point for me this year.)

Getting to the end, with everyone cheering me on. Hoo boy. This was the start of many tears to come. Papyrus's "DO WHAT I WOULD DO! BELIEVE IN YOU!!" sticks with me the most. I wasn't surprised by Flowey's actions, but what fucking threw me for a loop was like. When Flowey was revealed as Asriel, I was genuinely jaw-drop shocked. I was like. Holy fuck. I thought he was dead. What the hell. To this day, though, i still think Hopes and Dreams hits me the hardest out of all the boss battle themes. It doesn't super bother me, bc like, difference in opinion is whatever, but like. Whenever I see Megalovania at the top of someone's ost list for Undertale I'm just... Why? Maybe it's because I'd overheard it meme'd to much before I played the game, but like, i dunno, it's not a bad song, but it's not the most emotional provoking piece for me, so it's pretty far down my list. Hopes and Dreams will still remain my #1.

I really did feel determined during this battle. I really felt a lot of emotion. I felt excited. I felt frightened. I felt ambitious. Asriel's battle is probably still the hardest for me, and yes, I'm counting genocide this time. I can't grasp his magic patterns at all, and I more so played it as a "okay, how much damage can i take? Whats his next move?" As i healed every other turn. It took me a very long time to beat him (though no 11 hours like Sans, this was more like, 2 or 3 max) and when I got to the part with the Lost Souls, most of the characters just said their "we hate you" piece and i was like "nope you're controlled" right.

But then there's Sans's "just give up. i did."

I genuinely had to stop. I set down my controller and just sat for a minute. I'd mentioned before how much I've been struggling with depression for years now, and it's at the worst it's been since high school. Maybe you'd think when I saw that, I was like "sure, maybe I should give up." But... It's really the "i did." that hit me like a rock to the stomach. While I do know a couple other people with depression, the most discussion we have with it is "haha i wanna die" kinda jokes yknow? Nothing really serious. And, well, I've always been the type to lean to fictional characters for support more than real people, since I've just been so disconnected from a lot of friends growing up and was too scared to talk about anything with my family.

So seeing someone else say "just give up. i did." hit me so fucking hard that I just started crying. I had already been in a real sappy mood cause the whole scene was so emotional as it was, even if merely the cliche of friendship will save all, y'know what? Its a good ass fuckin trope and makes me emotional lmao.

So, naturally, I was more hyperaware of Sans's implied depression from here onward. The conversations with everyone post-battle left me crying. God, so did the hug with Asriel. I was just fucking bawling.

Oh god. I didn't even mention. "Despite everything, it's still you." Another line that just hit me and I had to pause.

So admist my crying mess, I was telling my friend I'd beat Undertale again. He asks me "so... you gonna play the genocide route?" And I already had from the beginning. I always want to play every available route in a game. I see no point in paying for something and then not playing it all. I'd consider myself a completionist who doesn't ever actually finish anything lmao.

I definitely put my emotions aside for genocide. The absolute hardest kill for me was Papyrus, though. And i was absolutely fucking heartbroken when he said he still believed me as his last words. But I forced it aside. I didn't want to reset. I wanted to beat it to have it under my belt that I had. I was pretty sure the Sans battle would be here, since I hadn't heard Megalovania in the game yet, and I was aware of how hard the battle was, despite never seeing it.

Undyne's battle I'm more emotional about in retrospect than I was at the time. At the time, I didn't care, didn't like the theme much, and the dings gave me a headache. Undyne isn't exactly my favorite character (though definitely not my least favorite, that role is given to Frisk with Toriel not close behind ahdhsb im sorry), so I really wasn't concerned about it. Not to mention, I don't know why, but all of the battles I struggled with EXCEPT Undyne's I ended up liking the character more as a result. Maybe it was the dinging lmao.

Bro you shoulda seen how prepared I was for Mettaton NEO's battle to be hard as fuck. I was like sitting upright, took deep breaths before hitting fight, then when he died in one shot i just kind of "wh...what." Still very disappointed lol but I guess that's kind of the point of the genocide route.

Then came the Sans fight. As I said, I spent 11 hours on this. I genuinely didn't pay attention to what he said after a while, but I do remember the first time I read it, I was fucking terrified. Usually, sarcasm, hatred, and sass is very hard to convey through pure text, especially when it's said in the same tone as his usual talking. But the absolute harshness, the coldness, and the lack of any fucks given Sans had at that point was so plainly transparent through everything he said that it fucking scared me. Toby Fox's writing here was fantastic. I can only dream of being able to write like that. Frankly, I love his writing in general. Actually, fuck it, I love all of the artistic takes of this game. This is gonna sound weird but... The "childishness" of it just is so good. Like, there's no rules. Every socially accepted rule of art, writing, character design, speech patterns, and even basic grammar are thrown aside. He didn't just think outside of the box, there literally was no box. I call it childish only because like, children also create with no rules. They have no rules to restrict their creativity. And seeing that embraced in Undertale in every form possible just blows me away.

Anyway. The battle. It. Was hard. Thats a given. I spent about two weeks playing it on and off, and it's probably the most healthily I've treated myself in recent memory, because when it became too much for me to handle, I set it down and took a break. I would retain what I memorized and use it for the next time I picked it up. Frankly, it came to a point where every time I opened up Undertale to play, it was more just cause I wanted to see him lmao. The guy hated my existence at this point and it's not like i disacknowledged that. But it just felt like every time i opened the game... Idk. I don't know what I felt. I can tell you for sure this isn't the time when Sans started slipping into my favorite character spot over Mettaton, that didn't come until the development of Act to Flirt's first demo, which was a month or so later lmao.

I was very excited when I beat Sans.

But then, after it was over, I felt very empty.

I didn't feel good about beating genocide. I still don't. I want to play the boss battles again, cause they were really fun, despite how hard they were, but I can't bring myself to.

When I got to Chara, and everything went to black, I just wiped my save and started fresh. I think this was the first time I used the name "Willo" for anything. I just picked a random name to use, and Willo was the first thing that came to mind.

I beat neutral again many times, trying to unlock as many secrets as I could. I accidentally spent like, way too long trying to get Sans's room, because I couldn't figure out how to do it... which is when I started speedrunning the game, because I was just so used to going through it all. I timed myself once, and I got somewhere around 1:20:00 ish, which puts me at the very bottom of the NG+ Glitchless runs by like 30 minutes, but hey, it's still not too bad all things considered.

I'd started working on Act to Flirt sometime in between the speedruns. I was playing Papyrus's date again, and I had this thought of. What if Undertale... but all boss fights are instead like Papyrus's date?? I pitched the idea to my friend who was like "thats definitely been done before lol" and immediately I almost shut down the idea. But then I still had that glimmer of hope that, maybe, since I haven't made it yet, people would like my game because it was by me. Besides, quarantine was getting to me. I needed some way to spend my time. So on May 6th to May 7th, I spent the whole 24 hour period making the first proof of concept for the game, which was UI setup and Flowey's tutorial date. I hadn't made any of the art yet, so it was a black background with Flowey's undertale sprite. I originally was going to make everything more visual novel like in the sense that, so like on Papyrus's date, you could make choices like "unwrap the present" "dont unwrap the present" or "you look great" "you look terrible" and getting the ending would involve pretty much just saying the right things at the right times. But this alone was... Yknow, already done before, and part of what makes Undertale so great is that it's, despite its many outside influences, very unique in its gameplay. So I decided to make the dates more like puzzle-solving RPG's, and frankly, since doing that, I dont know if I want to go back to making other visual novels lmao.

After making the first demo and releasing it, I hit a creative funk. I wanted to make the next demo right away, but I forced myself to stop (since i was working 16+ hour days to finish it in exactly a week. I didn't eat much and i slept very little during this time too. Dont do this lmao). I didn't know if the game would be received, and frankly, I'd had many failed projects in the past due to lack of support. I lost a lot of support in the past due to the dropped projects I kept starting and quitting because I had such a small audience, and that made me lose a lot of interest and motivation to work on them. So I posted the first demo and waited. I was very shocked to have a YouTuber with over a million subs play it that weekend. Dantekris I think was her channel name. She speaks Russian, and I never understood a word she said, but I've still watched her let's plays because I enjoy seeing her reactions. I hate that YouTube keeps deleting my responses on her videos, probably because they're long and in English so it's marked as spam on a comments section full of purely Russian comments yknow. But it makes me feel like such an ass ;w;

Mairusu is the next large YouTuber who played it and my god I love seeing when he uploads a new update for my game because I genuinely have no idea what to expect from him. I don't know what it is but he's just so absolutely funny to me. He also seems to be the most common breaker of my game though. Stop making your own bugs!! I try to testplay to find the bugs he gets and it's like.... what did you do.... how did you skip that whole date im so confused thats not supposed to happen..... He accidentally skipped all of Muffet's date because of this too and hers is supposed to be the hardest in the game right now so I'm very upset by it;; i dont know how it happened, it never happens for me.

But like. I was definitely struggling a bit with the direction I wanted to take AtF. I wanted there to be a core message, like with Undertale and many other of my favorite things. When there's a core theme to write about, it makes things a lot easier to compose than if you have a plot with no meaning to it. It ties it all together for a common purpose. But, as I started diving more into the fandom around this time, finding not only it being still alive but still enormous and filled with passion.

Passion. Hm. That's familiar. That's the trait I gave the player character, rather than determination. While it was intended for giggles "haha dating game u have passion wink wonk," it started becoming more than that. It started becoming a manifestation of what I really felt upon finally soaking myself into the deep end of this pool I'd once been too afraid to step into. Passion. Everyone here is so driven by their passion for this game, the characters, its story. Everyone is so inspired and creative. That's it. That's what I wanted Act to Flirt to be.

A game made for those who have already dived deep into Undertale. A game made for those who have the same level if passion I've wittnessed. A game that someone might stumble upon, merely wanting any Undertale content they can find, and a dating sim leaves them grasping at straws, only to find it's a game instead deeply rooted in how much they care about this world and its people. You have a Soul of Passion, because your passion for Undertale brought you to this game. That's what the core message is. Every ending is supposed to depict different kinds of empathy, and True Passion shows you truly cared the most you could for all of these characters. Sans is so blocked from it because, well, how can he really believe it? "if we're really friends, you won't come back," right? But here you are. Again and again.

And Heartbreak. Whose heart is really the one breaking here? Taking the Hopes and Dreams of every single character you've grown to care for and crushing it beneath your feet... who is the one suffering in the end?

I just... I'm very excited. I've written that game with the player as the main character. Not Willo. Not Frisk. Not anybody else. You, the player, are the main character. I've honestly done a lot of looking around in the DDLC code to make this game as 4th wall breaking as I can (without like. Disrupting it as a game experience like ddlc is, with monika deleting things and stuff). Just enough to leave the player unsettled and confused. Like. "Me? Are you talking to me?" Yes. You. Directly to you.

I started sketching out designs and ideas for ULR around July. I genuinely loved Underlust after finding out about it, even though it was posed to me as an insult about the contents of Act to Flirt. I was both like "uh... Act to Flirt is nothing like this. Maybe in reversed roles at best but..." and also "okay but this? This shit is good. Thank you." But finding out it was discontinued and wanting more, well, that's when I decided to make ULR. I presented the idea to my friends, who were like "please stop making aus," and then continued onward. I told myself I wasn't going to work on it though until after I finished Act to Flirt... Then after the next demo came out... Then it turned out I was working on it too much and it resulted in me rushing my release of the 3rd demo of AtF because I'd been so distracted I was going to miss my release deadline of the end of August, before school. I... Still kinda regret that a lot. It's still very buggy. Though I hope I got them all for the next demo...

But speaking of school .... ha... Remember when i said i was going to transfer to another school? Well, I did, and for the first few weeks it was fine! Then I started skipping assignments I didn't want to do. Then I started panicking about my low grades. Then I started getting behind on assignments. Then I stopped going to classes. Then I lost all motivation to work on anything at all. I just locked myself in my room and did next to nothing with the occasional drawing here and there, for weeks. It came to the point where I was like "I just have to get through this semester, then I'll drop out." But if I ever wanted to go back to school, having all F's on my last report card would not bode well for my acceptance. Which lead to more stress. I didn't want to fail, but I also didn't have any motivation to work. I would do one assignment here or there, feel good about myself, then realize I was still months behind on work and suddenly oh god oh fuck finals are next week. And my solution? I just. Fuckin dropped out. Oh my god. It was such a relief to just get that weight off my shoulders that I'd been carrying for months on end, preventing me to do anything I wanted to work on.

Well. Then my car tires died. So that's a thing. But good news! Between commissions and gifts, I have enough money to get them replaced! I don't think I've ever like... Been so excited about that before.

And, well. Now I'm here, pretty much. God, I just went through my entire year summary, and it feels like it was both forever long but also not long at all. I don't get it. 2021 still feels like a far off future, despite the fact I'm now 5 hours into it. Yes, I spent 4 hours writing this. Whoops. Oh well. I couldn't sleep anyway, so it's not that big of a deal.

All in all though... Despite being locked inside, away from my friends, unable to talk to anyone about the things i was enjoying, and living in fear of getting sick at all ever with anything, 2020 definitely fuckin changed me for the better. It was a hellhole of a year and I'd never do it again or wish it upon my worst enemy, but I came out a better person... I think. I hope.

It seems cliche to bring back but fuck it. Undertale? My friend insists its core message was that anyone can be a good person if they just try, which I mean, it definitely probably was intended that way. But that never was the message I felt while playing it.

What lesson I took from it was "things aren't always as they seem."

Flowey betrays you immediately, but then you find out he's just the remnants of a boy who died years ago and is still grieving over the loss of his best friend, whomst, despite how much he cares for them, recognizes they weren't good to him and he'd been manipulated and used by them.

Toriel is a kind and caring woman, a still grieving mother over the loss of her children, who seems to have kindness to no end, but is actually filled with such hatred and depression that she regularly gets drunk, swears, and still, without resilience, hates her ex husband.

Sans is a playful character who is full of puns, a gross atmosphere, and decided to break physics just because he can. He's the embodiment of a comic relief character. But at the same time, he's suffering, struggling, in constant pain and worry. He's lazy, but quick on his feet. He's harmless but will kill without hesitation if need be. He's both caring and the least caring of them all.

Papyrus is like... a self-centered asshole in a way, when you first meet him. He prides himself and everything he does. Yet still, he's actually quite open and accepting and loves everyone. He loves talking with and being with other people, even if maybe sometimes he has a different interpretation of social interaction from the "norm."

Undyne comes off as cruel and deadly, such even being emphasized in many points. But, deep down, she's extremely caring for those who are close to her, and her only cruelty is dealt to those who have wronged her in some way.

Alphys is a sweet and nervous wreck who comes off as helpful and lacking a filter due to her tendency to ramble. She seems to be merely anxious due to likely social anxiety... But you eventually find out that she's a liar who merely wants to create a world to be a better place, and by doing so, she pretends all the bads do not exist.

Mettaton comes off as an absolute self-centered asshole. Like. There's no way around that. He seemingly has no regard for other people with only full intentions of helping himself. But, deep down, he actually cares a lot for other people, especially his family and friends, and just tends to get caught up in things while he's in the moment.

Muffet seems to be greedy with how much money she begs people to give her for the spiders, but, as it turns out, she's flat broke and drops no G when you beat or kill her. She merely needs the money to help the spiders.

Asgore, too, is built up to be this ruthless killer throughout the whole game, and when you finally meet him, he's an incredibly sweet guy who's only filled with regret, and because of his past decisions, has decided to put aside his hopes for the sake of his people.

I...

Didn't see any of these characters for who they really were right away. Why would I? Few of these archetypes are explored much in a lot of fiction lately, or at least what I've been consuming; and is more focused around how someone can change their flaws into something positive... Not how to accept someone for who they are, despite the wrongs they may have committed or the lives they lead. Everyone's different. Everyone's grown up differently. Everyone has a reason for what they do.

And it took me playing this game to realize such a simple concept that I probably should have learned years ago.

That's why I really think 2020 changed me for the better. I made a realization that I should have had many years ago, and it's made me a lot more confident in expressing myself, accepting people for what they do, and seeing the brighter side to everything. I say that, sitting here filled with nothing and void of all emotion whatsoever... But it's a conscious thought i have. My emotions are so weird... They're either on full blast or I feel nothing at all. But yet I have... Thoughts of what i should feel? It's weird. Idk. This is why I'm getting therapy LMAO

But yea. 2020? Fuck you. But also thank you. But mostly fuck you and good riddance lmao

#zircon rambles #a lot #lol #its very long im sorry #i spent way too long writing this too #also please don't reblog this

[atleast-we-were-electrified]

I REALLY needed this vent...

The past couple of days, I’ve been having a really tough fight with my mental health. I don’t particularly know why or what brought it on, it’s pretty hard to pinpoint but when I get like this, I tend to really dive into the hurt and the pain I’ve felt previously. I suppose this would be natural….feeling anxious and depressed over empty feelings?? Just think about the things that would initially throw you off guard and then you’ve nailed it! (sense the sarcasm). It initially started with thinking of a pretty toxic friendship I got myself into during high school and honestly, toxic is probably a really generous word to describe this. I will try keep this short. I struggled with settling into high school, due to going to a school not in the area I went to primary school…which meant a full new year group of people to try know. I spoke to the odd couple of people in my classes, just because I sat with them etc, got the people I spent lunch with but then I got close with a girl, who we are gonna call Sarah for the purpose of this story. Me and Sarah built a friendship pretty quickly, did nearly everything and anything together…sleepovers, concerts, random walks, mcdonald's runs, the cinema…pretty much you name it, we most likely did it together…we were attached by the hip. The friendship lasted right up until not long before we were going to start our 5th year at high school (maybe nearer the half way point of 4th year, give or take that time period). I was the last to notice the toxic nature that began earlier on in this friendship,  I guess the ‘victim’ always is the last one to really know just how bad a relationship is for them because they are so fast to jump onto being the caring person they are. Anyways, throughout this friendship with ‘Sarah’, I was distanced away from the people I had made friendships with from other classes, who I did get on with REALLY well, like really well…'Sarah' would get really angry and upset if I began talking about these other friends in conversation, or other friends we had made through going to gigs, meeting celebrities etc. I, in her eyes, wasn’t exactly allowed to have other friends…”my friend and my friend only” was the kind of attitude she had…but can we make a lucky guess who was allowed to befriend all these other people?….I really got lucky here didn’t I? I would eventually brush of the ‘petty’ arguments we would have…that’s what happened with high school and high school friendships, right? It was the normality. For the most part, this is what I thought and would always be able to see the good in people. Now, this is where I suppose it gets pretty shit. Arguing with ‘Sarah’, for anybody, not just me, was a task. She wasn’t ever wrong. If you called her out for wrongdoings, (which was pretty much 8/10 arguments you’d have, it be at her fault) she would point blame to being upset over her deceased mother. That was wrong of her. SO SO wrong. It turned the original victim of an argument to become apologetic for arguing back. I am by no means disregarding her feelings about her mother’s death, because they are SOOO understandable and something everyone would regret to happen to them…but she had a really horrible, nasty side to her and to put the blame away from herself was really bad. I recall the time where I noticed she would text other friends of hers about me. Sneaking pictures I wasn't aware she was taking, sending them to these people (some I didn’t even know nor met), and then talking down about me. Calling me every under the sun…. Would caption them things like, ‘I mean look at her…’ & ‘even Im prettier than THAT and i'm not that pretty’. I seen ALL of this and to this day, I don’ think she knows I seen anything at all, never mind conversations with a fair few people doing the same thing whenever I was being spoken about. I only know this because she had her iMessage linked up to her laptop, which she would let me use whenever I was over since mine had broke, so she was texting her friend at the time and didn’t realise I was getting each notification through as I scrolled through twitter ….AND I didn't even have the heart to say a word? Why? Honestly, I don’t know….she fell asleep and I ended up snooping a little (yes. I know, I really shouldn’t have but when you see small snippets of messages with your name in them…your anxiety runs WILD).  I kept being friends with her for at least another year and a half following this incident. Another incident was that after an argument we had at her house in her room (she had an attic room), I cant really remember what for, I have a really bad short term memory because I am dyslexic but from what  I do remember, it really probably wasn’t worth the dramatic antics from it but anyway, I got really anxious and didn’t feel comfortable staying the night and going out the next day, and preferred to go home but instead  of letting me leave and have my space…she sat down ON the hatchet door to go down from the attic and its a heavy door without somebody sitting slap down in the middle of it. I spent a good solid hour/ 1hr 30mins nudging her to move, trying to lift it, taking numerous panic attacks and she did….not..care. If I nudged her, she full forced pushed me away. “It’s my room so you’re not leaving here”. All I wanted in that moment was to go home and pull the covers up to my face in my OWN bed in my OWN room and cry my life away.  It was a pretty shitty situation, it really hurt me for weeks and weeks after this. I would still talk to these other people in my classes I got really good friends with…while I was in class but god forbid if I ever spoke to them outwit my classes when I should have been speaking to ‘Sarah’…that wasn’t allowed but it honestly, really wasn't the same as many people were aware of the type of person ‘Sarah’ was and saw right through the ‘good girl’ act she would put on. The friendship ended up finishing…finally (tehehe) when I came to my senses after something really, REALLY traumatic happened, for me at the time anyway, which I wouldn’t really know, where or how to even begin to write about that. By fluke, she had lowkey began distancing herself (or she always had but I noticed it this point)  a couple months before this incident began happening, so with this happening, I just cut ties because It was realising who my friends were caring about me and not disregarding me feeling how I felt then. She made my life living hell at school for a good month after cutting ties,  we were in a few classes together because of us being in the same registration class (so a smaller class of our full year split) , so she wasn’t somebody I could avoid every day at school.  It was a very lonely place to be. I’m not gonna list everything she did to make me feel how she did at this point but I was in class before lunch (which she was in) and she was sat talking about me to other girls at the other side of the class for the full 50 minutes and every time id look up from my desk, it was a line of dirty looks looking back at me. When class finished, I stood in the corridor and waited for it to clear a bit and I broke down into tears, I hadn’t cried like this before in public…. And to my luck, the friends I had in other classes, that I was ‘forced’ to break friendship with, were walking in my direction in an empty corridor and saw me in an absolute state and just sat with me and hugged me and just was really, REALLY decent people to me. To this day, I don’t think I could thank these people enough for allowing me to remember what it felt to be cared about. There is literally so so much that went on between all this, that would be an absolute shock to the system if I went back and described it all in detail etc but I’m gonna save myself from crying more than I have / am.  I could dive into rumours she started about me, things she would say or do about me while I was literally stood next too her but her choice of wording made it sound differently too myself. She would force me into things I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing ( I tweeted recently about the time where she forced me to let her put make up samples on me, like a full face, in a store publicly because ‘it would make me prettier’ ..and I let her and oh god I felt uncomfortable) Not really sure how and what else to say because as much as she made my life the worse it could have ever been, if anything ever happened to her I would be distraught still. So many people wonder why or how I would even think to concern about her after all the things she has done to me but she is still a person and she is a person I spent a large chunk of my life with and at a part of my life where it is known to be a hard time for a lot of people. I cared A LOT for her, more than I should have but I did. I wouldn’t ever go back there and be friends with her ever again but were both I guess older now and I’d like to think, passing her in the street, I would still say, ‘hey how are you’. I doubt so much, she is the same person she was in high school…everyone grows up and matures eventually but I do still believe she would be capable of doing it again to other people if she really wanted too. I just really cannot believe just HOW blind to the truth I was. Other friends out with school who didn’t even know her, were telling me to cut ties…my mum was….my FULL family was. It was the point where they would refuse her to stay over or to give us a ride places because they just were really disgusted in the things she did too me. She was manipulative, she was controlling and extremely overpowering. NOBODY deserves this. Its made me so much more aware of character judgement but I guess by biggest downfall is always seeing the good in people lmao but I fully sympathise with anyones horrible, toxic friendships. If you are in one, I do not hate anyone for feeling like they are stuck and bound to the relationship because that is how they make you feel…they make you feel like you can’t do things that would jeopardise the friendship….yet that is what they are doing themselves? It is a brave thing to do and as ive said, I will never ever regret it…EVER. It did make the last while of high school so much more bearable and my transition onto my next step of education was ridiculously easier as I wasn’t feeling like I had to stay and finish school (I left a year earlier) because ‘she would be alone’. If you’ve gotten this far, im gonna give you a star because it was such a while ride and this was written purely to get it out my system. I wanted to vent out about my infertility syndrome, MRKH as well as boy has that made me want to rip my hair out and eat it recently alongside reliving the feelings of this toxic friendship again but I will spare that one for now as this is lengthy and I’m not even gonna read it back…I’m too dyslexic for that. As you will have realised, I don’t REALLY do describing things and experiences I’ve had with A+ author grammar and English words so it probably doesn’t come across in words as it does in my head but all anyone needs to take by the end of this is that it fucking sucked and If you’re in a toxic relationship of any kind, it is OK to leave it. I wish everyone the best and I hope ya’ll have nice days💜 

[celestialallstars]

Episode #13: “baaa louder.” - Zach

So after that tribal I feem good and bad. On one end, I think it was the best case for me to use it for vote reveal and it showed Bryce/Zach up, Rhys is out and yeah. On the other, I regret voting Rhys out now because it will give Michael and Chloe an excuse to force rocks in F8 unless some serious minigames are done. SO I am going to ask Michael/Chloe to F3 maybe? Not sure yet but I think now if I ever do reach the end, I am gonma probably use this vote as a reason to win since I feel if I didnt make the decision to say anything, I would have possibly left. AND everyone got exposed? Miss me on that revote

girl im going home

so tribal happened and like. period. it was really sad + like i love rhys and seeing him go was upsetting, but like.. it's the game. no hard feelings! but i'm so frustrated with so many people. it's less of the game but more of how they acted, and thats why bryce and i snapped and leaked literally every little thing we know. like my issues were like... chris' main point was vilifying bryce & i for targeting him, but like, that happened AFTER loris slept. and??? they had a plan since i lost immunity to split on bryce/rhys. like yeah be mad at me for the shadiness of the mitch vote per se (albeit it not being super shady imo), but like... call that out initially. don't act like im in the wrong for the vote TONIGHT when the alliance was always so cliquey. then chloe got... idk. arrogant? like i snapped at her (wrongly so) but my annoyance with her is not deep, its just that she is like 'oh yalls voted me' but its like... ok. we thought you leaked. and even if you didnt (which she didnt), they legittttt WERE VOTING BRYCE ANYWAY LIKE . IT DOESNT MATTER. STOP VICTIMIZING YOURSELF. YOU WERE SHADY YOURSELF. but i cant be too mad because they didnt know about the 8 person alliance (supposedly) and i suppose with the info they DID have, they made a good decision. though still dumb i hate it but its my fault too who cares im perfect. jared is just so slimey. and stephen like??? saying 'i said to u dont fk me and you immediately snitch to bryce' BUT YOU HAD A PLAN TO BLINDSIDE ME AND MY ALLIES LIKEEEE STOP JUST SAY YOURE SNAKEY. LIKE IM OPENLY SNAKEY. ILL SAY IT. BUT DONT VILIFY ME???? HELLO?? like its the pot calling the kettle black.

i'm overdramatic just because im IN the mood to go off. or, was. i snapped (wrongly so) tonight. i want anyone who reads this to know its not personal and i love all of u dearly but . im frustrated and i want a good edgic rating LOL

loris frustrates me because he legit is a goat. he can deny that all he wants but there is a literal 0% chance i vote him at this rate to win. i dont know why. he just.. isnt playing for himself. whats NEW. jk... love u. IM JUST frustrated.

on good news, i got a super idol. period. aint telling anyone. like i love bryce but i dont want him to expect me to use it on him because . it wont be good for my game. im playing for myself and myself only. like... period. tho i hope him and i can manage to survive a bit but i dont think thats likely.

im not reviewing this i just am writing whats in my feelings so its more authentic LOL

anyway this game was super fun. despite being stressful and straining, the call was super enjoyable and this org has been one of my favs, and this night has made it sm better. so period. no regrets, just faggotry.

________________________________________________________________

i'm a flop.

Everything seems so messy tonight. Rhys has approached me about me, him, Michael, Bryce nd Zach workin together but like... they seemed so actively against me sooooo idk what's going on there it feels like a trap. They suggested doing Chris which does kinda sound real but that could be part of the trap idk im very nervous. I just kinda said I would go along with the plan but I don't really intend to do that. I don't think Chris is the move for me this round, Rhys doesn't speak to me which is why I'm also nervous the alliance came from nowhere. To my knowledge the votes are gonna be split 3-3-3 in case of an idol, which I hope gets flushed. Idols make me nervy. Hell I didn't even know Jared had an idol that fucking snake, but it's fine cause he played it on me.

(((((aj note --- this confessional above is obviously from last round but its 2am and i want to go to sleep so idk))))))))

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Last night was an absolute mess and I feel I missed a lot of what went on so I need to watch the post tribal live stream to see if I can try to make more sense of what went down. So far I gathered Jared is a snake, we been knew and Bryce is a leaker. However the leaking shit got pinned on me YET AGAIN. WHY THE FUCK DO THESE BITCH ASS HOES KEEP PINNING SHIT ON ME. FUCK U BRYCE

I just, everything's a mess. All the alliances i doubt are going to work, Jared isnt long for this game, me or Stephen may follow him out, and the rest will likely see some combo of Loris/Michael/Chloe in the end. I dont know, suddenly feeling hopeless about all of this and like, pretty unhappy at the moment. I knew it would be hard but like I literally am struggle to have clear thoughts and with this and outside life factors I'm just feeling lost at the moment.

hi i'm less mad so ignore my above confessional LOL. thank u for tuning in.

except u loris. baaa louder.

Whew hunny last night exposed a lot of fake ass bitches but we really been knew they’re fake. I’m feeling confident about the next few rounds because I think people see myself and Chloe as numbers and people they need to bring on board to make plans work. Part of my strategy this game is to sit back and let the bigger players come in and try and make the big moves everyone wants to feel like they’re making a difference and everyone wants to build their resume by making big moves and as long as I can maintain my threat level I think I’ll be safe and I can have a bit of Influence in the game as people scramble for my vote.

WELL! That was an interesting tribal!

Shortly before tribal, it came out that a secret group of 5 was made to blindside Chris. (Zach/Bryce/Rhys/Michael/Chloe)

I obviously didn't want that to happen, and neither did Chris or Jared. Bryce leaked it to Jared, and Jared told me and Chris. I made the INDEPENDENT decision to confront Zach about this, because I'm not asking for permission to make moves sorry. The only issue is that Zach immediately went to Bryce, even though I asked him not to fuck me. Bryce went to Jared and Chris, and they went back to me. WELP! That just hurts my strategic relationship with Zach even more than the vote already would have.

Chloe and Michael were doing what they could to keep the votes off Chloe, luckily, my move with Zach ensured that they failed! WOO!

I don't want to make the same mistake as Matt though. I may have a decent majority now, but I don't want to burn my bridges with Zach and Bryce. I stayed out of the drama last night (mostly) and I'm gonna keep talking game with them. I might not be able to fully repair things totally but I'm confident I can do better than the other 5.

I'm gonna go over my relationships with the remaining castaways since there's finally a small enough number for me to feel like doing that:

Chris: My closest ally, we tell each other basically everything. I'm worried about going to Final Tribal with him though. He's played well in every facet of the game and literally won "Who do you want to see win" in Touchy Subjects. If I don't get a chance to take him out at the end, I think I can mount a strong argument against him. but I'd only feel comfortable making that move if I was already immune and definitely going to Final Tribal.

Jared: My second(?) closest ally, though I now know he has kept a TONNNN of secrets from me and on top of that he's a threat to win. Luckily, with all the info coming out from last round, I don't think I'll need to worry about Jared being at Final Tribal.

Loris: With Rhys gone, Loris has officially taken the title of "person I kinda wanna maybe side with but he's talked about voting me out so we're not cool". I kinda wanna weaken Bryce and Zach (or maybe vote them both out) before taking a shot against him, I just hope he doesn't realize I know he's after me until it's too late.

Michael: I really don't know where I stand with Michael LMAO! He voted with us last round but never informed us about the plan to get Chris out. He said he was "going to" but I don't believe that for a second. In fact, I think if Chris hadn't revealed what Bryce had leaked there's a chance he may have gone through with it.

Chloe: I kinda love Chloe. I wish I never accidentally turned the majority alliance against her. She's fun to hang around with AND someone I think I could beat in the end. It's like a win-win. Except I don't think she wants me anywhere near the end.

Zach: Out of the 3 people out of the loop at the last vote my relationship with Zach was the strongest. That having been said, neither of us were really sharing much information with each other after Mitch left and I feel like there's really not much further we can go together. Him and Bryce are both good options to be targeted at this vote.

Bryce: While I've personally known it for quite some time, for Bryce to outright say he didn't want to me in an alliance with me is kind of the most red a red flag can be. If I have it my way, Bryce will be the next person voted out. Granted, I'm saying all of this before immunity results and real strategic talks can begin, so my mind might change, but it's not likely.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VPS6OykNvh0 its so sad im going home tldr: im gone chris can say 1000 words but if they all mean nothing whats the point. jared ruined  my trust in people forever. chloe is a goat hypocrite who aggravates me. stephen is alright not good not bad. rhys is my king and im so sad hes gone i legit love that man. zach is fake. michael is annoying. loris is being a goat but who cares. omg me taking 0 blame for anything bad that happened to me? more likely than u think!!

hi! so. I think I can win this game. my intentions for a while have been to get out someone I don’t see working with personally, rhys, and then attempt a flip on jared/stephen. i also very much have wanted to turn on Chris because I believe me and him are playing similarly in that we have positioned ourself well into the middle, and going to the end with someone who’s basically played the same game but more well-polished is not a good idea! i wanted to get myself this immunity so that I could talk to people about flipping without risk of being ratted and then voted out, which was almost what happened to chloe last round. im also starting to become aware of how me never attending tribal is making me fall under the radar in a way?? everyone is fighting each other and arguably making situations worse for themselves by giving an answer straight away, for example, bryce declaring his f2 with Jared in the call. though people can still slander me while I’m not there, what they say cannot be dwelled on for too long because I’m not there, putting me in a more favourable position than some of the other people here? I think? that someone said that I was playing the middle last tribal council and well.. they’re right so oops.

my ideal path to the end would be stephen and jared leaving the next rounds, and then Chris, although the order does not concern me right now. then I would be at final 5 with Bryce zach chloe and michael and then whoever isn’t immune out of bryce and zach can be voted out. perry. and then I’m gonna have to pray to god I win final immunity OR Michael or Chloe do but like that doesn’t feel likely to me. AND THEN I WIN!!!

ALSO. im in the final 7. I just need to survive one more round and then I’m guaranteed final 5... because no way in hell im playing that legacy on someone  else.. I am not letting THAT happen again.

Me nd Michael been talking, nd we’ve wanted to make a move for a bit now but crazy shit keeps happening. We needed to take down Rhys and break up the Rhys/Bryce/Zach trio so Bryce nd Zach are more useable. Now we planning on flipping on Jared/Chris/Stephen. My current target would be Jared because as much as I trust him and adore him I think he’s definitely running this bitch. Then Loris decides he also wants to flip nd he tells Michael that he wanted to exclude me but JOKES ON U LORIS I WAS ALREADY PLANNING ON FLIPPING U DUMB FUCK. Which was kinda obvious he was planning on excluding me cause Zach and Michael both messaged me about it and I knew Loris was involved in the flipping but he hadn’t messaged me about it sooooo. Don’t test me Loris I’ll make u be voted next.

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#FuckLoris

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GRIT YOUR TEETH, PULL YOUR HAIR, PAINT THE WALLS BLACK AND SCREAM FUCK THIS CAST CAUSE ITS MY GAME AND IM GONNA TAKE IT BACK 

So tonight the plan me chloe and loris are sailing to the majority alliance that voted together last time is that the votes will be spilt. And they will be but we won’t be joining we will be switching to Jared and eliminating the biggest threat in the game at this point. From there I’m thinking of flipping to take out zach or Bryce and continuing on the game switching to control the power in the game.

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Part of the beauty of this move to blindside Jared is that a lot of the blame for the flip is shared amongst both Chloe and Loris paired with Bryce and Zach being bigger threats means that my name will most likely still be out of peoples mouth I just have some major damage control to do to stop Stephen/Chris teaming up with Zach/Bryce and creating a 4-3.

A lot has happened.

Bryce and I's F2 imploded because of me, and even though we reconciled today I don't think I can truly work with him again. Best I can do is try to secure his jury vote.

I have deals with Stephen Chris Michael and Chloe, Loris will hopefully fall by the wayside next round.

The plan this time was to get Michael onside in PMs and gauge his interest for voting out Zach, reinforcing the "this is our shield strategy." He did the work from there. Yeet!

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Jared is voted out 5-2-1. He becomes the fifth member of our jury.

Watch Jared’s exit interview take place below:

#episode #shinebright