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starryoak · 7 years

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“Hi, I’m ‘Dr.’ Fern, N.D., D.C., Ac.D, D.O*, all completely, totally legitimate medical qualifications across all zones and definitely not fake diploma’s! I’m here to give you what other Doctors won’t give you! Quasi-zonal, semi-medically sound, mildly tested to the bare minimum required by the Zonal Medicouncil, medical help the right way; with Holistic Medicine!”

Fanart for the webcomic Awful Hospital, an amazing comic by Sir Bogathan Leech, otherwise known as @bogleech/Jonathan Wojcik. It’s insane, disturbing, features quite a lot of nausea inducing visuals, but lots of humor and story, as well as some heartwarming and tearjerking moments. It’s extremely good, just…. if you don’t have the stomach for it, you may not like it. But it is very good.

SPOILERS BELOW FOR ALL OF AWFUL HOSPITAL, PRETTY MUCH. NOT SPECIFICS, JUST LOTS OF ASSUMPTIONS THAT THE READER IS COMPLETELY CAUGHT UP WITH THE COMIC.

Anyway, this is a drawing of Fern, the protagonist of Awful Hospital.... A Fern, at least. I worked hard to make this look like something that would fit in canon, meaning I went way out of my style, but it works, I hope?... My lines are thicker, but I'm hoping to improve.

Essentially, the beginning of this was when I got to thinking; what if FERN was a Doctor at The Hospital? I know it wouldn't ever happen..at least I think... But I still wondered; what would she look like? What would she do? What core concept of medicine would it make sense for her to fulfill? All the concepts seemed to be covered. But then I got to thinking even more, and since most (if not all) the Doctors at The Hospital are puns on something, I thought of something. The Doctor is missing a quack homeopath!...

Ok, so yes, homeopathy isn't medicine, but it IS something that (unfortunately) is accredited in some countries, as well as other bullshit ‘medicinal’ treatments, and has many supporters and practitioners and diploma mills... So perhaps the core concept of homeopathy could eventually grow so big that the concept manifests in the hospital?... God, like they NEED any more quackery in that place. But Fern’s name would be a pun, so... I did it. I’m unfortunately bad at Bogleech style zonal lingo, so you’ll have to deal with boring, normal quackery rather than the bizzaro quackery that The Hospital purveys in.

Meet ‘Doctor’ Fern!

‘Doctor’ Fern is possibly the least qualified ‘medical’ professional in The Hospital! Yes, even less qualified than Phage... At least he's guaranteed to eat bacteria. ‘Doctor’ Fern is a practitioner of only the most diluted medicinal concepts, the most scientifically unsound, most expensive snake oil treatments. Her patients recover only through spontaneous remission, although she does have a low fatality rate; her treatments are often at their best, completely ineffective. She dilutes all of her concepts to homeopathic standards, so not even one nano-particle of even an inkling exists when she administers it. At worst, her treatments are poisonous and lead to worsened or even better, NEW symptoms. But she claims she's the only REAL Doctor in the whole Hospital. Nobody else treats the cause, only the SYMPTOMS of the disease. She treats the cause, not the symptom! Her low mortality rate can only be attributed to the absolute ineffectiveness at any real medicine, so she can't unintentionally administer too much homeopathic remedies and cause them to overdose, but her ward is full of patients who have been waiting so many layers to recover that it’s starting to cause a huge ruckus. But she’s certain that SOME kind of treatment will work, but as long as it’s mainstream medicine, they’ll never get better!. ‘Doctor’ Fern’s treatments are chaotic, ever changing, never standardized wrecks, basic misunderstandings of the fundamental nature of medicine and disease itself; somehow even in The Hospital, the conceptual nature of homeopathy and other ‘holistic’ medicine carries over... in other words, even though The Hospital has nonsensical, ever changing functions and cures, the fact that most of ‘Doctor’ Fern’s treatments are bullshit gets carried through, as bullshit is intrinsically woven into the very nature of her medicinal practices. Even the things she performs that qualify as medicine in some cases are usually misapplied, snapping necks when all the patient needed was a quick realignment of their core concepts with their spinal arrangement, acupuncture used for things other than relief of mild pain, trepanation for non-approved purposes, she’s a wonder at failure to medicine.

A no-nonsense nonsense provider, ‘Doctor’ Fern’s personality is similar to her canon counterpart, but warped by The Hospital, obviously assimilated into The Hospital’s jargon completely, ‘Doctor’ Fern is completely understanding of most lingo that all the Hospital Staff know... and deliberately chooses to misapply them. She’s caring, but has even less of an idea of what she’s doing than Phage does, even if The Hospital was at full running capacity, she would be utterly incompetent. As it is, she’s currently CRIMINALLY incompetent. Despite her inability to cure her patients, most of them (generally the ones with less of an idea of medicine) consider her their favorite doctor, which is likely why she’s still alive. Those who go through spontaneous remission end up thanking the good ‘Doctor’ for their recovery, and admittedly, even with her terrible abilities, she genuinely cares for each and every patient she can.

Her design is complex and very symbolic, which I’m actually quite proud of, even if it is a bit ‘busy’, I worked hard on it! Since each Doctor (Besides our fair Doctor Ichabod Malachi Man) seems based on the very basic or very first treatments of their respective specialties, I looked up the very first herbal medicines, which was apparently using the plant Gingko Bilobo. If I’m wrong, I’m wrong, but I used the leaves of the tree for ‘Doctor’ Fern’s hair. (also, you always must write Doctor as ‘Doctor’ when referring to her, as her doctorates are all fake or non accredited) She has a Gingko Berry for an earring as well, one that’s a bit old and bruised. She has normal doctors scrubs, but her shirt is emblazoned with an alternative medicinal parody of the Caduceus. I gave her ears for the explicit purpose of demonstrating yet another ‘medical’ treatment; ear stapling. Apparently, according to some, surgical staples in ones ears will help one lose weight. Her teeth are borrowed from Page 711, when she imagined strangling Dr. Phage. This is strictly because it made her creepier to the eye, as it felt... right, to give her a more unsettling visage than our friendly neighborhood Fern. Her gloves are not, in fact, medical gloves or in any way sanitation related or even sanitary, but Reflexology reference mitts. the belief that pressure points on the hands line up to everywhere else on the body (and of course, everyone has a different idea of what connects to where, so ‘Doctor’ Fern changes her mind on what it does every five minutes.) Even though acupuncture can be an effective treatment for some causes, I stuck two needles in her head both for flair and due to the misapplication of acupuncture as a cure rather than relief for pain. She also has a trepanation hole in her head that constantly oozes out something conceptually similar to blood, but likely not actually blood. I don’t know what it is or if I want to KNOW what it is. Her necklace is a piece of ionized jewelry, which does.. some bullshit or something about Qi, Look, I don’t make up this stuff, someone else does. Her feet are covered in Kinoki Foot Pads instead of any proper footwear. Kinoki Foot Pads are pads that turn a dirty black overnight when you wear them, supposedly because they drain out ‘toxins’ from your feet, but really because they’re made with green tea and such that react with sweat and air, but whatever, ‘toxins’.

Anyway, that’s what I think Fern might look like as a ‘Doctor’. Or, at least, passing for a Doctor.

*(N.D is short for a Doctor of Naturopathic Medicine, D.C is short for Doctor of Chiropractic, Ac. D is short for Acupuncture Doctor, and O.D is short for Doctor of Osteopathy)

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doctorguilty · 4 years

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I can’t believe I’ll be going into 2020 with everything I have now I remember last year, at the end of the year, I felt so hopeless and depressed I really felt one the edge of ending my life multiple times because I felt like I was reaching a dead end, and when I ran, I ended up backed into corners again and again and I was truly terrified, not knowing where to run and just like freefalling and praying I’ll live, 2019 was truly one of the most turbulent years of my entire life having moved across the entire country and making 4 individual moves at that... I can hardly believed I made it and it’s crazy, if you told me at the beginning of 2019 by the end I was going to move in with my art idol mr bogathan leech and befriend people like rev and iguanamouth and breakup with 2 s/o’s, one of which was several years worth of history, but gain the best s/o of my whole life I would be like, crack are you smoking crack, yet this is my life now this is my life every day, every “plan” I thought I had went entirely out the window and all I did was 100% improvise and turn up gold, thinks back to the tarot spread my sister did last winter where it was like, you are going to get FUCKED but your future is nine of cups, I thought about that card a lot and it kept me going a lot, someday I’ll see all my cups and it’s crazy, every time I said “oh this is it! this is the nine of cups!” another good fortune would pop up

I know I’ve been really down because of the season and some surprise hardships cause that’s just life, but I do feel really hopeful now, I have a lot of things on my mind I hope to start post new year, I have goals I’m excited to work towards with my art and maybe this time when I say FINALLY accomplish some of them I’ll mean it, because I’m in a better place, with better people, with love and support, and I’m coming out of my shell less afraid to show myself to people and show my art and have nice things said about it

and its weird because technically I’ve had osdd my whole life but I’m happy about the strides I’ve made with that, getting to know my system and feeling a lot more functional emotionally and as a person, I also feel like I gained friends on that level, I’d compare it to like, having a bunch of siblings you always fight with but you started working on things and now you’re all friends and love eachother, it’s like that

like I realize, a lot of my dreams felt shattered because I had my hopes riding on people who didn’t want to share them in the end, and that’s fine that’s their prerogative but it does feel defeating when those people disappear from your life, but now it’s less about the person and more about the concept ie “a partner who loves me I can share my life with” like, it wasnt the person I thought would be that, and I won’t be sharing my life the way I exactly imagined because of the distance, but they love me and I share my life with them every day now and I’m happy, that concept of fulfillment spans across a lot of things like that

so I dreamed of completing my cartoon pilot and I thought that was going to be my in with a studio, well unfortunately that will no longer be happening for reasons I won’t get into but that’s ok! there’s more things I want to make and maybe something random will happen again, more unexpected things, and it wont be exactly what I dreamed but it’ll be even better than what I dreamed.

#seth speaks #d0 n0t r3bl0g #positive stuff

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