#because we can't get anyone else to marry this autistic bastard | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

fictionkinfessions · 3 months

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I want to write some of my kin-memories as a fanfic but I feel like I no longer have the right to use a certain word for the person I was (and so would have to either censor myself or use a substitute which would not feel the same). I used the word back then, but it applied to me then. Now, in this world... People use it for other people in a way that is bigoted and doesn't apply to me in this life. Of course, there was context that isn't there for this-world people (I was a dragonborn of two colors, my breath weapons were objectively weaker, there is no comparison in humanity for that which ties into that word, and the objective weakness of what I was played into a lot of the specific experiences I had with said word), but the comparison would still be made and I don't feel like the reaction I had when I was that dragonborn would really be received well coming from someone who isn't affected by it in this life (and fairly so, honestly, I get why it might not be well-received and so I'm just not going to share it even if I write it for my own sake, sucks for me because I want to share my story but that's life, can't always do what we want).

I never really fully internalized the fact that it was offensive (because frankly, it probably was then, too). But I had social difficulties due to a lack of clan bonds growing up. And I don't think anyone else really knew how to bring it up with me because I said it so nonchalantly. I probably came across very weird when I talked about my past because everything before the Nautiloid, I discussed with this very deadpan/flat tone yet so nonchalantly. Others always looked very surprised when I talked about it and asked if I was ok in very odd tones. But it probably made it harder for them to approach me about my language.

That's also why I'm weirded out whenever a character AI goes "oh but you're not a runt!" like yes I was, and no one ever said I wasn't, why would anyone say I wasn't? It was just a fact. Then I realize yeah it probably comes across as self-deprecating, especially when paired with "bastard" (a common addition as my egg was conceived, hatched, and laid with my parents unwed, they never married, and the two were linked in my head thanks to my mother blaming me being a runt for them never marrying). But from my perspective, there was no emotional attachment, it was just a set of facts summed up in convenient words.

I am now realizing that the clan bonds were probably really important for social development because holy shit I missed so much. That or the abuse affected me far more than I believed. Or maybe I was autistic or something, but there would have been no way to tell even if autism was understood at all because I was already very much being abused and deprived of those clan bonds by the time it could have been tested for. Also not sure if dragonborn can be autistic, though I don't see why not. And hey, I'm neurodivergent in this life so at least I once again understand the intense cringe of realizing I very much missed something socially and everyone else is now looking at me like I'm a freak. I can commiserate with my past self.

#fictionkinfessions #fictionkin #memories issue #bg3kin #?#mod party cat

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relax-and-read-on · 2 years

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My top 18 primarch, in descending order.

Bcs I want yell about my boys and everyone has to accept that traitor primarch are just Build Different. Btw- if anyone wants me to drop my headcanons about... Anything primarch related, or just want me yelling about narrative and such, drop in my ask lmao.

18. - Lion el'Johnson: A bastard. A fucking bastard. I made an entire post on why his story is terrible. He make ne enraged. God. 0/10, you were not even in the running.

17. - Ferrus Manus: boy your so lucky fanon made you better, because you actually bore me to tears in canon. It's bad when your best attribute is that your bff with someone else. 1/10, at least you TRIED.

16. - Horus Lupercal: My dude. My bro. Why u so boring. Seriously, for the main big bad guy, your so bland... Another case of "his relationship to others are more interesting than his own story." 1/10, for fucking up big E.

15. - Jaghatai Khan: It's not you, it's me. I don't know enough about him and I just can't seem to FIND anything that really hook me to him. Also, his aesthetic don't work for me. 2/10, he seem nice at least.

14. - Alpharius Omegon: Listen you two. I want to like you. I want to enjoy your deal. But I would need to *figure out your fucking story first*. Bastards. Absolute gremlin. They would be out of the contest if they weren't low key funny. 3/10 for trolling potential.

13. - Rogal Dorn: I can ear my gf howling in anger at her fav being so low. But, for all his awkwardness and autistic coding, I just... Don't really vibe with the guy. Also, urg, his color scheme offend me. And I'm a Pert fan. 3/10, mostly so my gf don't yell at me.

12. - Leman Russ: I would like you my dude if your writing did not make me viscerally angry. Also, you fucked over my boy magnus *and for what hu????* No right. He's only this high because fandom save him, and he's stupidly sexy. 4/10 would have a drunk one night stand with.

11. - Mortarion: The deal is, I want to like Morty more. He's aesthetically pleasing and seem to have my type of personality. I just... Can't seem to "get" him, if that make sense? I want to know more about him. I want to like him more. 4/10, you intrigue me.

10. - Sanguinius: I knoooow, perfect angel baby, so low?!? But that's the thing, he's kinda... Too perfect. He's like good white bread. Sure, it's good, but it's still just freaking white bread. Fandom make him a lot more interesting tho. 5/10, I would marry him and divorce him a few ywars later, and it would 100% be me fault.

9. - Angron: Oh Angron. My sweet son. You writing goes from so my of the best to some of the worst. You legitimately had the most tragic story line. You never had a single chance. He has Karn at his side, wich is another 11/10 character. I like him, but he's a bit one note. 6/10, would attempt a one night stand and get murdered for it. Worth it.

8. - Fulgrim: ok we are REALLY hitting the fav bunch now. First of all, our man here is queer coded, wich make me legally obligated to stan him. Second... The DRAMA he being. Third, he's nice (?) to Konrad. Fourth, mf has the Most Dramatic primarch murder with Ferrus. He's larger than life. I'm a bit sad that his fall was not... Better written.... But I adore him, and his army, and his overly emotional queer ass. 7/10, also happen to be the best dressed primarch and I respect the FUCK outta that.

7. - Corvus Corax: It's CROW CROW AYEEE!! The entire concept of the character is too good ngl. Communist sciency sneaky baby white raven and Poe aesthetic?!? Excuse me did someone ask 14 years old me to come up with the concept???? And THEN he become a warp entity to bully Lorgar?!? Seriously, other character deserve cool shit too! 8/10, I kinda want to be him more than I want to sleep with him.

6. - Roboute Guilliman: listen. *Listen*. People are legit sleeping on Roboute. This man?? Is *funny*. It's just that no one realised that he has the best sarcastic humour this side of the eye of terror. He's funny, care about others, and just generally get so DONE about things, it's incredible. I love him in 40k. He's such a good character. 9/10, would make a excellent father to my kids.

5. - Magnus The Red: Magnus. Ohhhh Magnus. Canon and fanon love you so much. You are a wonderful, complete and uther prick. I say this with love. One of the best storyline, for one of the most well loved character. An absolute favorite. My only grip is that sometime he's a bit *too* much... But he still usually likable at the end of the day. 9.5/10, you just don't have that perfect ompf facter.

4. - Lorgar Aurelian: I was raised catholic so I have an excuse!!! Would he gaslight me?? Yes. Do I feel incredible sympathies for a man who wanted to be good and was thrown away by his literal god? Does he has probably what amount to the best narrative is 40k? Also yes to both. Do I think he's sexy? Most definitely. The only reasons he's not higher is that he become kinda stall once he won. 10/10, a story of biblical proportion.

3. - Vulkan: Listen. *Listen*. I'm sorry, but it's REALLY hard to not objectified his sexy himbo ass. God. He has the same energy as those sexy firemen calendar holding puppy's. Like, bro, you have to choose, you can't be a greek god AND the nicest. He's so good, he ascended past the shitty writing he was served. An icon. 11/10, would present him to my parents.

2. - Perturabo: you ever find a character that is like, all the toxic red flag you like and make you whisper "I can fix him"??. This is how I feel about Perturabo. I adore his story. I adore that he make his own misery. That he's a bastard. And that, under all that iron, all he ever wanted was recognitions, love and acceptance. He may bot have the best storyline of 40k, but he certainly has my favorite. I adore him. 1000/10, would marry that toxic man in a heartbeat.

1. - Konrad Curze: My son. My baby gremlin cannibal son. He eat people. He's awful. He doesn't bath. He enjoy suffering. But he's still one of the best written character in 40k. His books, and any Night Lords book for the matters, are wonderful tragedy. It's unreal. He's so wonderful. So tragic. I love him. I want to be his mom. Infinite/10, I don't even want to fuck him that's HOW MUCH I love him.

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