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impulsivelycontentious · 3 years

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No one reads this or connects it with my other online identities but since I've removed personals involvement from my other social media stuff, and I feel like bitching, I am jsut gonna go ahead and do it.

So I have brain damage. Yeaaaaars ago I threw up so hard I actually ripped open the inside of an artery in my neck, and it threw a clot, and that clot did some nasty shit on its way on through and out.

No doctor noticed for two weeks.

Everyone else did.

Good times.

Anyway.

So now I have a damaged brain. Brains don't grow back. Some areas can regenerate a few cells - notably the prefrontal lobe - but mostly brains fix themselves not by regenerating like skin does, but by rearranging the cells we have to fire to fancy new configurations.

This has been quite the ride. Because shit, it changes things.

I don't even know how much of my personality is consistent. No idea. Let alone everything else.

I have memory loss my nurologist won't akowledge because it falls short of dementia. That was the bar. "You don't have dementia, you know what year it is." Gee thanks there chief.

Anyway.

My brain wasn't too stable to begin with. I have always been prone to logic leaps that occur very quickly and not necessarily in ways other people would make them. My mind is jumbled and a little random and things collide all the time that probably shouldn't.

This has become much worse since the brain damage. See, my brain keeps wiring shit together. Shit it really shouldn't. It changes who I am, what I think, what I can think.

It's actually quite terrifying to realise you're a sack of geletine misfiring lighting at itself.

So anyway. To the point. Yes - I have one of those. Probably. It's somewhere in here.

Oh right, no, another detour. I'm autistic. "Oh yeah, they definatly didn't screen girls when I was a kid because how the fuck did they miss this otherwise" autistic.

Back to the point.

Recently I had this sensory processing ... Whatever the fuck that was. I call them.idssocistive episodes. I don't know how accurate that is. But my mind unhooks from my sensory data. Everything feels muted and unreal - sound, sight, touch, heat. Name it. It's wrong.

I hate these.

It gets particularly nasty because there are nurologicsl consequences. See, my concious mind ramps up it's interpretation of sensory data. It goes all in and leaves the rest of my existence stuffed in this tiny little box without enough space to do dick.

One effect of this is I suddenly become highly obsessive. I think it's a comfort mechanism, I require the same stimulus over and over again or to somehow mentally connect it to the same element. Of course, it could also jsut be that obsessive behaviour towards interests is part of who I am. I am autistic. I DEFIANTLY go all in when something fascinates me. But not... Not like this.

Do you have ANY IDEA how many times I watched starwars 8 in 72 hours? Any clue? Holy fricking ... Something. I watched it fast. I watched it slow. I watched it skipping ahead 10 seconds every 10 seconds. I dissected that thing in micrscopic detail.

It gets better. Because mere hours before I got hit with this episode... I was not a starwars fan.

Nope. I watched it. It was ok. I wasn't going out of my way for it.

And suddenly. Wham. Episode 8. All the time. I watched some 7 and 9 as well but it was like it was entierly because eit was connected to 8.

I cannot even.

And while this is happening, *I know*. I know. I really do. I know this isn't my normal behaviour. I know this isn't my wheelhouse. I know something is deeply, deeply wrong in my brain.

I think it might actually be an ok movie, honestly. But not THAT good. And now it's one of my favourite things. Forever. I have no idea if it's actually good. Did I not give eit a chance the first time? Is my obsessive brain simply emotionally hooked up how? Fuck, I don't know.

So that's why I'm posting today. On this day. May 4th.

I'm seeing a lot of star wars today and it's making my brain tickle with it's own ridiculousness.

Not the whole point though. Because it lasted 72 hours (I watched dit one more time after that and if wasn't near as intense).

But what happened AFTER my 72 hours as an obsessive raylo (oh yeah. I went there. I'm not even ashamed. I am also compeltely content with the end they got, because I do not see that shit working out).

Brains don't regrow. They rewire.

And suddenly, I'm drawing. Like... A lot. I filled pages of doodles. Sketches. I redrew a peice I'd been working on for about a month in a few hours and damnit, it was good. It's not professional quality but I'd never down anything that well before. This goes on for another day. And then I started a story, and I wrote 2000 words all at once.

I'm dyslexic. And words are severely impacted by my brain damage to the point it can cause me phsycial pain to force my thoughts in to words.

And here I am. Going nuts on my phone. The words just spilling out and again - damnit, it was good shit.

My brain was abstracting. Where the concious sort had been shunted, it wasn't directing the abstracting aspect of my mind.

And I was making cognative leaps. My brain was wiring itself together for creativity.

For another 24 hours.

And now, dear reader, we get to now.

I have written 200 words in the last 2 days. They feel wrong.

I started and stopped a dozen images. None of them feel right. And there are objective quality differences.

I can still draw a bit. If I'm not tired. I'm almost always tired - it's neural fatigue, it comes with surviving a brain damage.

I have somehow brain damaged my way in to better skills.

And it's... It's not a good feeling.

Doing it the first time and watching something take place in front of my eyes I don't recognise was like magic. It was euphoric. Amazing. Exciting.

Realising as time wears on that the ability to do this is intrinsically tied in to the way ones brain handles brain damage and sensory processing issues?

Not a great feeling cats. Not at all.

I find myself staring at a document willing words on tot he page that just aren't there anymore and feeling so frustrated I could scream.

Whose idea was this anyway? Why can't I keep my rewiring?

It's so hard dto explain the feeling of loss.

It's not me who did these things. A version of me, yes. But not the one we are keeping.

The one we keep struggles to hold a narrarive in her head and the narrator's tone took 3 rewritten to preserve for a single paragraph.

I don't want to stop. But how do I keep going? I'm not the author anymore and I've always struggled with adopting the tone of others.

So yeah. That's where I'm at. And I wanna talk about it. Because I don't want to be alone. But I can't escape the feeling I'm being dramatic. Terribly dramatic. And so talking about it is hard. How much is my own spin and perception and how much is real?

Did this really happen?

I think it did. But like every story I tell, I don't know. Memory loss. Cognetive issues.

I just wanna tell stories and draw. But the words hurt and the art makes me tired.

It's frustrating is all.

I hate being lighting geletine.

In case you're wondering what kind of cognative leap happened:

That one is april 4th.

And that one April 28th.

🤷‍♀️

Fucked if I know, really.

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militantinremission · 6 years

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Conflicted By Cosby Narrative

I'll be the first to admit that I don't know the whole story behind Bill Cosby's behavior, or all of the details behind Andrea Constand's accusations. I personally think that Dr. Cosby is guilty of adultery, but i'm not sure of any of the other accusations. I don't mean to come off as insensitive to the [dozens of] Women that came forward against him. For me, there are too many conflicting stories to be sure what is accurate.

I feel the need to say that Black America has developed a [substantiated] group paranoia over the Centuries. Out of this paranoia, come Our Urban Legends. Among the most popular, is the belief that a White Woman's word can get a Black Man killed- no questions asked. Carolyn Bryant Donham's accusation of Emmit Till is the classic example. The current trend of White Women calling in false reports, opens the door to more tragedies like the 'Scottsboro Boys' & the 'Central Park 5'

Another popular Urban Legend, is the assumption that Bill Cosby is being targeted, because he wanted to buy the NBC Network. The N.Y. Times broke the Story in 1992, but buzz about Cosby's intentions go back to the Late 80's. Then NBC Owner, General Electric downplayed Dr. Cosby's intentions, & said the network wasn't for sale. It didn't matter, because a New Age was dawning.

At the time, Reginald Lewis acquired Beatrice Foods Inc, becoming the first Black Billionaire in America. Ron Brown, was named Bill Clinton's Secretary of Commerce; the first Black American to hold the position, Post Reconstruction. Across the board, Black Men & Women were beginning to make their presence known in their respective Industry.

Sadly, Ron Brown died [mysteriously] in a plane crash, in Eastern Europe; en route to a European Economic Summit in Croatia. Reginald Lewis fell ill & died from Cancer, not too long after making history. They were taken in the Prime of their lives, but both became role models for the Next Generation of Black Entrepreneurs.

I never heard a formal announcement, but again, rumors about Cosby's intentions go back to the 1980s. A Wilhelmina Model reported in 2014 that back in 1982, her Photographer set up an appointment for her to meet w/ a Casting Agent about a film project. She says two Men- an Asian Man in his 50s, & a White Man in his 30s met w/ her, & offered first $5K, then $10K Cash to work w/ Bill Cosby.

She requested a meeting w/ Dr. Cosby, to go over the script, but was told it wasn't necessary. This was a Spontaneous Casting Call... According to the 'script', she was suppose to meet Dr. Cosby, & try to seduce him. She was supposed to record the 'audition', to determine her success & credibility. If she could deliver seductive photos of Dr. Cosby, along w/ some of his sperm(?), she would get an additional $5K.

She says that she was uneasy about the 'Project', so she excused herself, & never returned. In her FYM Article, she goes on to say that she believed the two men were paying her to discredit Bill Cosby, & is "100% convinced that all of the women coming foward have been paid off to discredit Bill Cosby as well". The implication was that Dr. Cosby was getting too big (for his britches); he was grasping beyond his reach. He was empowering People of Color!

Black America took the (Russian Mob related) murder of Ennis Cosby as a message for Bill to back up... Along that vein, it was assumed that Michael Jackson was targeted for his interest in Sony Music; as well as acquiring the Publishing Rights of Rock & Roll Hall of Famers like Little Richard, & The Beatles. Prince was similarly targeted for winning Ownership of His Song Masters from Warner Music.

The Criminal Case of Andrea Constand against Bill Cosby is one of legal precedence. Ms. Constand alleges that Dr. Cosby raped her in January, 2004, but she didn't come forward until 2005. The D.A. admitted there wasn't enough evidence to bring criminal charges against Cosby, so Constand took him to Civil Court. In that Civil Trial, Dr. Cosby agreed to a ($3.4M) settlement, but was required to give a sworn deposition.

He was assured by the Montgomery County D.A.'s Office that his statement would be sealed, to protect him from possible self incrimination @ a future date. Oddly, Cosby's Defense did not request Immunity; maybe They thought it was implied, when the D.A.'s Office sealed the deposition. In the end, Dr. Cosby complied, & Ms. Constand was paid.

The precedent set in this last Cosby Trial, centers on the fact that the current Montgomery County D.A. overturned the decision made by that same Office to seal Dr. Cosby's Civil Trial Deposition. Did the D.A. know that Cosby did not have a formal Grant of Immunity; just an assurance from the D.A.'s Office, under the previous D.A.?

This D.A. ran on the promise that he would put Dr. Cosby back on Trial. A Jury already declared a Mistrial on these Charges last Year, but the D.A. says Constand deserves a verdict. This is on top of the Civil Trial that ended more than 10yrs earlier. On top of everything else, Cosby accusers forget that Andrea Constand already settled her Case & collected her money.

The more one looks @ this 'Criminal Case', the more one may ask: Why are We here? The D.A. was successful in painting Dr. Cosby as someone w/ a proclivity for adultery- a serial adulterer. Labelling an Octogenarian a 'Violent Sexual Predator', is overkill. The label is obviously meant to smash the 'America's Dad' image. Cosby's deposition says that he acquired drugs to give to women he sought for sex, but is accused of slipping Women drugs; quaaludes in particular.

Problem is, none of the accusations can be substantiated. There is only one account, & then, the young lady requested it. Beverly Johnson's account was spotlighted by Media. She says her incident w/ Cosby occurred while they were rehearsing lines. For some unknown reason, Beverly not only returned to the Set; she finished rehearsal, then shot the episode, all after her alleged violation.

In an interview following David Bowie's death, Iman said she couldn't believe Beverly Johnson's account. She went on to say back then, news like that would've spread through the Modelling World like wildfire. Bill would be untouchable. The implication was that he was a serial dater, not someone slipping Women quaaludes. If Beverly's account were true, no one would want to be left alone w/ him. In the Case of Andrea Constand, she was given a benadryl for an allergic reaction. Hardly a date rape drug. According to Dr. Cosby's (sealed) deposition, they were drinking cognac; perhaps that is the culprit.

In any case, Ms. Constand made contact w/ Dr. Cosby on 19 different occasions, following the alleged rape. In her written statement, Camille Cosby accused the D.A. of ethics violations, including producing a witness (Andrea Constand) that perjured herself. She continues, "Moreover, Bill Cosby's Defense team introduced the testimony of a witness [Margot Jackson] who confirmed that the district attorney's witness admitted that she had not been sexually assaulted, but that she could say she was and get money... which is exactly what she did."

Others point to a Kinder Morgan connection to Dr. Cosby, in Shelburne Falls, Ma. Kinder Morgan, is The 3rd largest Energy Company in North America, worth approximately $125B. They are the largest Energy Infrastructure Company in North America; responsible for 80,000 miles of pipeline & 180 Terminals. The Energy Company's Tennessee Gas Pipeline Company wants to construct a $341M Natural Gas Pipeline through Shelbourne Falls, as part of a $3.75B Northeast Pipeline Extension Project. The Cosbys have been against the Project; since being notified in 2013, of The Company's intention to survey their land.

The Cosbys own hundreds of acres of Protected Land in Shelbourne Falls. They were concerned that the proposed Project "shows disrespect for humans, flora, & fauna." They were also "astounded" that all six New England Governors support the Project. Camille Cosby wrote an op- ed, in March 2014 that questions the motives of a Company beholden to shareholders, more than Nature. She & Dr. Cosby later joined protesters against the Pipeline in July, 2014. Conspiracy Theorists believe that the Cosby Family angered people @ Kinder Morgan; to the point that They wanted to assassinate his Character & his Legacy.

Fast forward to Oct. 17, 2014- Comedian Hannibal Burress accuses Bill Cosby of Rape during his Stand up routine. The floodgates opened! By mid November, Women like Janice Dickenson were accusing Cosby of [graphic] past Rape acts. Around this time, The Washington Post was asking: If Bill Cosby was accused of rape 8yrs ago, why is the story going viral now? A rumor circulates soon after, that P.R. Man Rick Berman, aka, "Dr. Evil" was contracted by Kinder Morgan to take down Dr. Cosby. A tape later surfaces, where Berman brags how he can take down Celebrities for Clients w/o having actions traced back to him.

All things being said & done, i'm conflicted by Cosby. No question he is more than just a very gifted Writer & Actor. But he clearly has another side. Black America was hard pressed for Role Models on TV; Cosby, like O.J. fit a model that appealed to Both Americas. In the end, Cosby believed his own hype. He mistook The 'Cos' for 'Heathcliff Huxtable'. I guess it must be something like Undercover Cops staying 'Under' too long(?). He played a straight shooter so long, that he forgot he wasn't squeaky clean. Now Cosby has to deal w/ a new image & label- Violent Sexual Predator.

Talking Heads let it roll off their tongues w/a frightening ease. It's like 'The Powers That Be' couldn't wait to push that narrative of Cosby. Sen. Lindsey Graham, on @ least two occasions, used Cosby as a reference for 'The' Sexual Predator, in his defense of Brett Kavanaugh... That opens the door to an interesting comparison- Bill Cosby & Brett Kavanaugh measure up pretty well. Kavanaugh was quick to tout his Academic Standing & Community Service- his pedigree, when pressed on his demeanor @ Social Events.

Cosby could have done the same. He could have touted his academic proficiency, Humanitarian Awards, or the Tens of Millions of dollars donated to Charity; particularly, Historical Black Colleges & Universities (HBCUs) over the years. There is also the number of Jobs that he created for his TV Shows & Concerts...

Ironically, a 'Gang' of Old Conservative White Men stepped in to rescue Kavanaugh, when he faltered. They employed [coded] wordplay in their language, to assure him that all of the brouhaha was moot; he WILL be confirmed. Meanwhile, the same 'Gang' that once lauded Cosby, abandoned him; almost from the beginning.

Phylicia Rashad appears correct in saying this whole thing is about Legacy. The Cosby Show was an inspiration to Black America. The Black 'Professional Class' flourished during the time that the Show aired. Young Men & Women were attending College & Post Grad Programs in larger numbers. Taking the Show off the air was detrimental, not just to Dr. Cosby, but to the overall Image Hollywood portrays of the Black Community.

Actor Geoffrey Owens, is a causality of the conspiracy to discredit Bill Cosby. He admitted that taking 'The Cosby Show' out of syndication, was a factor in his decision to work @ Trader Joes. Dr. Cosby shared syndication royalties w/ his Cast & Crew, so Geoffrey may not be alone. Meanwhile, admitted child molester, Stephen Collins can enjoy collecting syndication royalties, from Networks that still air '7th Heaven'.

Dwelling on America's double standard Culture can be mind boggling. 81Yr Old Bill Cosby is led out of court in leg chains, facing a 3yr- 10yr Prison Term. He is expected to serve @ least 3yrs, but taking his age & health into account, i'm not very confident that he will survive the Experience. Meanwhile, GOP Conservatives- male & female, are arguing on behalf of Brett Kavanaugh; that speaking up after 30+ Yrs is not fair, unless the account can be substantiated. Dr. Ford comes across as credible, but...

When Autumn Jackson appeared in the mid 90s, claiming to be Cosby's daughter, she referred to a tryst that Cosby had w/ her mother in 1974- Why didn't these Women speak up then? From recent interviews, I understand that many were intimidated by his image & stature, but Cosby's fidelity was being questioned. Dozens of Women coming forward would have gained momentum.

Why is Autumn's mother, Shawn Thompson- Upshaw among the Women accusing Cosby of drugging & raping them? That wasn't her story 20yrs ago. Autumn & her partners in Crime (Jose Medina, Boris [Schmulevich] Sabas) were Tried & Sentenced for Extortion ($40M) in 1997. In that Trial, Cosby was a Witness for the Prosecution. In his testimony, Dr. Cosby revealed that he & Ms. Thompson did in fact have a brief affair.

He also admitted that he gave Ms. Thompson $100,000 over the years as 'hush money,' plus he gave her money for Autumn's Education & well being. Does Ms. Thompson- Upshaw think she has a legitimate argument 20yrs later? It's interesting how We are expected to forgive the 'trespasses' of America's Historical figures, but Bill Cosby is tossed out w/ the trash. How does this work? The 'Cos' was part of Hugh Hefner's Playboy crowd. He was a regular @ the Playboy Mansion, & talked about it in his Stand Up routine.

America celebrated Hef's polyamorous lifestyle, even after getting married. Charlie Sheen can be the irreverent Bad Boy, to the point of becoming HIV Positive. Cosby is basically the prototype of Tiger Woods, but he gets singled out for punishment. Meanwhile, Tiger (I'm not Black) Woods gets a second chance. He is currently being toasted by the same people that criticized him 5yrs earlier. R. Kelly is free to do Lord only knows what (w/ Young Black Women), but Society is satisfied w/ locking up a Legally Blind 81yr old in failing health, & calling him a Violent Sexual Predator... But it's not about Legacy though.

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