#bc i have a LOT of shit in my bag

[venusmages]

I love online nerds' weird obsession with fiction vs reality bc both me and my partner have had ppl call us not gay enough bc one or both of us make f/m and m/m pairings more often than f/f

like. you should be thanking me. no one has gay and het ships as good as lesbians. its a secret sauce. you write men better when you have no irl interest in them and they're just barbie dolls

#dyke fujoshis are gods strongest soldiers #*gets shot by other gen zs* #also im more picky w f/f and i think its purely bc i do have an actual interest in women yk #also ill say it. a lot of fandom popular lesbian ships are either underdeveloped or boring as fuck #the first ones ive seen that ive liked has been bg3 stuff (laezel...my beloved...) #i think a lot of fandom lesbian shit tries to make it Gay Girls but Het anyway and its not my bag #also im mostly fem4fem and the only fem4fem media USUALLY #is written by straight guys (ew) #so its either weirdly disonnant or completely unsexy #shout out to the artists i follow that give te good fem lesbian art though i eat that shit up #i have a feeling dungeon menshi is gonna be one im actually about #OH I LIKED CAITLYN AND VI TOO

[ayphyx]

Me if posting out of context oc lore was a crime

#uhhhhh tap on the photos for better quality bc tumblr hates me #art wip #current wip #y’all 10 hours in and i am *disintegrating* #i was gonna draw txf fanart but then i remembered that I’m bad at drawing fanart so i just went back to drawing my OCs #oc: maria #if anybody asks for and explanation for my oc lore i would be so fucking excited but also explaining the lore would be kinda difficult bc i #don’t have a lot of names for certain important aspects of the story (ex: religion names) so it’ll be kinda hard to explain #but I’ll try my best anyway #my art #cw blood #tw blood #cw eyestrain #<- mostly bc there’s a lot of saturated reds and yellows that might be hard on the eyes #(and also bright oranges) #cw eye contact #<- bc she’s starin’ right at you #tbh i should make her eye bags darker to make her look more haunted #1000 yard stare type shit

[cheapcheapfaker]

#the bean #listen. listen. I LIKE reading research papers. i like utilizing my useless ass lil history degree #you cannot fucking imagine how annoying it is to research anything that deals w pregnancy #obviously its very hard to do any sort of worthwhile experiments in the first place #bc you cant just fuck up a fetus #so a lot of it is self-reported GARBAGE #or they use animals which is not always one for one #and then you see the sample data is absolute dog shit. small pool. huge outside factors #like the largest study used to cite how pregnant people shouldn’t drink? #those bitches were also doing COKE. COKE!! #at the very least doing fat lines of Colombian snow has got to fuck up your baby #or potentially doom them to being a business major in the future idk #and then you see these stupid ass websites and try to find WHERE they get their info from and it turns out like #they extrapolate ‘don’t eat rosemary’ bc they did a study where #if you gave a rat eighty times its body weight in rosemary it has spontaneous miscarriages. NO SHIT. HOW WOULD THAT AFFECT ME #TRYING TO DRINK A TEA W ROSEMARY #and then looking up the ACTUAL percentages of risk for things. like omg the fuck listeria risks for deli meat are nothing #you have a higher chance of getting in a car accident in which we get in cars and drive multiple times a day #BUT NOBODY MENTIONS BAGGED SALADS OR CANTALOUPE #THE RATES OF LISTERIA IS INSANE #AND THEN YOU HAVE TO SEE WHO SPONSORED THE STUDY #AND WHAT THEY’D POTENTIALLY GAIN FROM THE OUTCOME #AND AHHHGHGHBFDHJGBSHDFBSDJHFBDSJBFSDJ

[gibbearish]

yknow i hadnt really processed how much the adderall weight loss has changed my face shape but then i found this slightly older selfie

<== old now ==>

like. aww look at ur cute lil squishable cheeks:3 i can see why bf did that so much i would too

#n like i know its not an extreme difference by any means but idk its interesting jenfksnfksn #selfie #origibberish #i think my jawline is where it shows most #given that i like. have one now? #like obv its still the same shape but its def a bit more pronounced now #it has been very weird having pronounced collarbones again though i dont know if i especially like that #and esp my thighs have downsized a lot which is a bummer #bonus however is some of it seems to have come out of my honkers as well bc i dont even really need a bra anymore much less a binder #idk its a mixed bag but yknow. ive never really been in charge of what weight my bodys at nor have i cared to change it #i just let it wander as it will #shit we didnt even have a scale for like. four years #altho i have to weigh myself more often now to make sure its still holding steady bc my doctor didnt believe me that i was still eating the #same as i normally do KEBFKSNDMSN #but like before any of the meds my body would generally had a 40lbs fluctuation range that it would just wander back and forth through #and now ive dropped an extra 20 off of the lower end of that and bottomed out like i knew it would once it adjusted to the legal meth #so. get dunked on emily LOL #/weight loss discussion #/weight discussion #also i hope it goes without saying but if any like. proa blogs or fatphobes touch this post i will kill you so very dead. #weight loss and weight gain are both morally neutral and just part of how the body works and you shouldnt force it to be any one specific #size and people should be able to discuss both without it being a whole Thing. do not touch.

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

“hey so there’s been a bunch of exposures recently but we’re gonna have the volunteer party this week bc it’s outdoors so we’ll be fine. yeah it’s a bunch of people all talking maskless face to face in relatively close proximity but we’re outside so any transmission would of course be impossible” be so fucking for real

#i love this place i love volunteering there. they have air purifiers around the center and tell people in no other words that if they’re #feeling unwell in the slightest they shouldn’t come in. they’re offering free tests to anyone exposed. they’re doing so much more than so #many other places and a lot of times it’s a place im able to relax a bit #but im just. exhausted. a week from tomorrow will be the three year anniversary of my dad dying from covid so im already in a bad place #plus covid in general is a trigger for me because. yknow. i watched it slowly strangle the life from my father until he was a grey #breathless husk who couldn’t walk three steps or say three words without panting. and that was when we made him go to the hospital #and then the next time he came home it was just his ashes in a bag #but it’s been four years. five if you count the early cases that popped up in 2019. and we’re still dealing with this shit #im just tired of it. im too exhausted to have a full sobbing shaking breakdown so ive gone to the other end of the spectrum and just feel #heavy and hollow. i should probably have a big cry but i don’t have the tears or energy #vent tw #im just hoping my n95 and the air purifiers were enough to keep me from contracting it at all. the worry is the n95 could’ve been loose and #sometimes the metal on the nose loosens slightly but the mask was pretty new overall so im hoping it worked to its full capacity and kept #out any covid molecules so that i didn’t contract any #only time will tell i suppose. in the mean time #im just praying a lot bc that’s the only control i have. i will be saying the shema whenever i get too stressed about it

[fleshdyke]

ahsgsjaugejwjg

#sh/sui warning for tags #been having a shit day and just not feeling great overall and usually drinking water and eating helps but it hasnt today :/ #which means its an Actual Problem this time. like i knew it was an actual problem when i fucking cut AGAIN but idk #idk man. im just so so so scared of my friends hating me #and i know i have to see my partner again bc she is the one and only person that never ever makes me feel safe and unjudged and everything #but idk. as of right now im just not havin a great time. #like its actually so stupid the things i get upset about. there was some motivational speaker at my school today and when we got called down #to go watch the presentation i had to take like five seconds to grab my bag and phone from my desk #and my two friends got up and left together without waiting for me #and i know it wasn’t their intention and they weren’t trying to be mean or anything but man. doesnt make it hurt less yk. #and i saw some post from a guy in my school of him and his friends in the cafeteria and idk why but it made me so sad. it made me think abt #one time my friends said they wanted to walk around at lunch so i was like ok i’ll eat alone that’s fine bc i’m too disabled to walk around #the school. and then someone sent me a pic of them all eating together in the cafeteria. and i know they probably just stopped there for a #second and weren’t purposely ignoring me or anything but man that did not help yk #i want to leave them alone bc they never seem to want to talk to me but im trying to tell myself its just my mind but its so hard to #and i do love my friends and im making them seem a lot worse here than they are but its just. god im so scared. #idk. i dont actually want to die but i wish i could kms like. temporarily. #i know this is bad and manipulative but i just cant shake the want to know what would happen if i did yk. and this is a terrible train of #thought but like i want my friends to realize how scared this makes me and if i have to kms to do that. idk. #ive brought it up to them before and they pretty much told me to eat with someone else and i said i didnt have any other friends and they #kind of just said not my problem. so i dont want to bring it up again bc im mature enough to deal with my own issues and shit #it’s just hard man. i dont know how im supposed to communicate w them bc everything feels like im traumadumping on them and i dont want to #bother them. im trying to convince myself its not an issue and it doesnt actually bother me but i know it does bc i just fucking relapsed #and i had a city council thing in class today and i was the only person that was denied any funding at all and i was trying not to take it #personally and i was doing pretty good but i told my mom about it and she started defending the ppl that refused me anything and then it was #suddenly personal to me for some reason. its stupid and i know that but god that doesnt make it any better #rambles #vent

[bunnyb34r]

Afsgsgsg I started donating to charities both to help people bc I can (I check em on that website to make sure my money is actually helping people) and to get address labels and cards and shit bc my mom gets so many and I was like 👀

Well be careful what you wish for when you have no one to send mail to and now have a gazillion cards and address labels 😭

#it's not actually a problem agsgdgdg i just think it's funny like oh yes give me all the labels! this is great! oh no... oh no what have i #done... and even if you stop sending money regularly they still send you shit after a certain donation threshold (i think at $50 or $100 #over a couple months donations is when i got stuff) #and you can opt in to let them send your info to other charities and im greedy so i said yes and now i have a gazillion labels pads of #paper and cards 😭 i got a t-shirt once from a charity i refuse to donate to shdhdhd they were like GIVE US $15 AND WE'LL SEND YOU #ANOTHER SHIRT! and another mailer from them was like $15 and we'll give you a hat agdggdgdgdggd #my aunt had so much of this shit it was hilarious bc she donated a lot of money to different charities over decades of time #and she had like a box full of them along with wrapping paper sheets and shitty bags they send a couple blankets too agdgdgdg #imo the coolest was the long pad of post it notes pbs sent me :D i was like holy shit this rules shdhdhdg #funny that when i finally get address labels and shit i have no one to send mail to bc they either passed away or i dont talk to them #anymore. like in high school my friend and i would mail back and forth the same card and add to it every time agdggdgd it was so fun #anyway it feels nice to be able to budget in some money for charities every month or whenever i remember to mail em #feels like im helping bit by bit #also i really just like getting mail lol #marquilla

[dhampir-dyke]

I'm so awful at orienting new people idk why they keep giving them to me. Like truly I suck at it

#and i cant tell if its ME being a bad preceptor or if my orientee just sucks/isnt ready for hospital healthcare #so much of this shit is just a matter of commen sense to me that it doesnt occur to me that some folks are absolutely clueless #and like!!! if i dont know i go find out! i ask! i research! #like if i dont know how or why or when to do something i just ask. but a lot of people will just NOT DO IT. WHICH IS BAD IN HEALTHCARE. #its hard bc so many of them REFUSE to take initiative. i have to really push them to do anything and instead of just doing it #themselves the next time- i have to push them to do it AGAIN #and its frustrating for me bc these arent customers. theyre some really sick people. if you get a blood sugar of 460 on your patient i feel #like its just basic common sense to tell a nurse. or if your patient has ripped out an IV. etc i could go on forever. #idk man. i got trained for all of 3 days and then got tossed into the deep end to fend for myself- i just figured it out! i used my #shitty critical thinking skills and watched my nurses and figured it out. #and like. so many people think the hospital is so easy. its not. #you have to clean up feces/urine/blood/vomit/mucus. you have to use needles on people. you are EVENTUALLY gonna see a person die and you ar #then gonna have to clean them up and bag #their belongings and put them in a bodybag. you are gonna have victims of violence AND perpetrators of it #and its okay if its hard!!!! it is!!!! but you still have to do it. it might not get easy but if you refuse to do these things then you #probably shouldnt work healthcare #for your sake and the people you are suppose to be taking care of

[milo-is-rambling]

Out smoked my cousins,,, truly feeling like the hippy failure cousin that all the kids like but all the adults judge and like it’s great vibes I feel my cousins actually enjoy being around me (not even just that we’re smoking like they seem to legit enjoy talking to me)

#getting along with my family and then going to bed and immediately getting really sad about my dad bc one of my cousins is super musical and #him and my dad talked about music a lot and they were always talking about gutair models and speaker types and so much cool shit and he was #such a big supporter of him and I just wish my dad was still alive bc now that same cousin is just barely starting to smoke weed (not around #his parents so we waited for them to leave and then we all smoked a joint and he watched rick and morty and then fell asleep on the couch #with a bag of Cheetos in his lap honestly so so real I hope tonight was awesome for him caus he doesn’t smoke often at all he’s still at the #remembering every time part of smoking #yeah I just wish that dad was around but at the same time I think the dynamics would be different if dad was around like things would just.. #ugh. things would be better and things would be worse but I am happy and healthy and surrounded by love and I can’t dwell on shit that isn’t #going to happen and can’t ever happen again. I just have to move past it bc he is dead and I am alive and that is what outliving your #parents is and it sucks but there is nothing I can do about it and it happens to everyone it just happened earlier for me

[moonrlsing]

so what if like hypothetically i gave yall my discord bc i dont wanna be on tumblr anymore bc it makes me hella anxious lmao

it’s under the cut. mutuals only and pls let me know who you are.

djwubs#1694

lol 69

anyways yeah. i dont do 1on1 rps over dms bc of a lot of bad personal experiences but also personal preference, so if you wanna keep rping, you can dm me and i can make us like, a private server or smth

i’ve also considered making a mutuals only group server for mada so me and some friends can still do stuff and i wont feel pressured

#🔪 > frowny trash bag / ooc #tumblrs just kinda become a bad place for me mentally #bc of a past experience where i was getting harassed #and i'll be honest ive done a lot of stupid shit on this site growing up that i keep reminding myself of and its making me #like...s*icidial? yeah. #so i dont wanna be here much anymore #anyways if you already have my discord and wanna hmu always feel free #i may not get to it right away but im usually always on rn #im planning on trying to get a job soon and might go to college or smth #i need to find something to do with my time #...i just realized this tag section has just become me traumadumping im sorry #just yeah. let me know if yall still wanna be friends bc im just. mentally exhausted being on tumblr nowadays #the mada community on tumblr is dead anyways #love yall <3 mwah mwah

[silverselfshippingchaos]

m.axi thoughts. they don't stop, huh?

#okay but theyve never stopped- ive liked this guy since i was a very small ash aksjaksj #he's just so... 😳 yeah #he's so handsome and funny and cute.. and he's so strong! he's a little dumb but i love that about him too! #i've been thinking about them in the 5th game a lot #so much older now and theyve sorta sorted through everything. ash has her guy back. theyre both pretty messed up from #(gestures to the previous games) but theyre together #also you know how his aging slowed down bcs of the cursed sword? yeah ash doesnt have that shit going on #she very much looks like a woman in her 40s- the kids (l.exia x.iba and n.atsu) are all :O when she mumbles that hes actually older #i especially love thinking about them at night. their cuddles are so soft. ash has a scar on her back from a.staroth #and sometimes he just gets lost in the past seeing that scar #he thinks about everything he lost. and ash just holds him #oh but mostly theyre just the cool aunt and uncle in 5- love that for them. they had more than enough angst in the 4th game LMAO #oh okay alright real quick. story time. okay so i have a m.axi keychain on my bag (i'm gonna add my k.ilik and x.ianghua one too!) #(gotta complete the trio! s.c4 may have separated them but im better than that! muahaha!) #and this guy stops me and is like 'o shit is that maxi?' 'oh haha yeah! hes my favorite 🥰' #and the guy just looks at me for a second. then looks all disappointed. 'oh.. oh youre a m.axi main..' #yes??? so sorry if hes annoying to play against- hes so fun! anyways @that random stranger #not only do i play him #i smooch him too 🤭 #(i didnt say that part out loud) #anyways where was i #right. m.axi. what a guy am i right? #oh and dont even get me started on his voice- #we're down bad this afternoon! #i love him so much akdjqksj he really is the funky pirate guy of my dreams #ash rambles 💚 #okay yeah this one was actually a ramble LMAO

[your-fave-is-bi]

i cast ‘make a long term position to hire me in bc im fucking cracked at my job which is just mindless little tasks i can do in a quick and efficient manner’ at the higher ups at my job

#personal tag #im so good at my job. i zone out for three hours n go 'oh shit! half day already over!' without making mistakes while zoned out #AND EVERYONE LIKES ME. #@ THE HIGHER UPS DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE LIKE ME IN THIS PLACE. BC I DONT THINK YOU DO. #ITS LIKE. A LOT. EVEN PEOPLE WHO I DONT WORK WITH DIRECTLY #nurses who i have had maybe one half conversation with once: oh karli? yeah karli's great! #actually no im not done #bc one time i was like. taking along one of the interns to explain what i did all day #(pretty sure she had nobody else to shadow that day so yknow we take these) #and when i offhand mentioned it to one of the nurses she went 'HUH? WHAT? WHY ARE YOU TRAINING HER? ARE YOU LEAVING????' #all concerned and disappointed like. bestie no; i quite enjoy having a job where i barely have to think at all #and that has direct and clear visual rewards for what i do #i do Tasks and i get to press BUTTONS THAT ARE BLINKING sometimes. its the fucking best #i get to see worms sometimes! #or hold blood bags! #its good its fun i love it

[soggypotatoes]

also. dont even talk to me about this. but. the nurse im obsessed with. oh my god. whenever shes on shift i literally go sit out by the nurses station for hours till she leaves bc my brain just feels better when i can see + hear her. this obsession isnt bad, though, is the thing. im used to *bad* obsessions. but it doesnt feel like that. it does feel like a lifeline, which is dangerous bc once i leave i wont be soothed by her being around, obviously. but like.. i dunno. my brain doesnt know how to exist without an obsession, and this one isnt hurting me. in fact it is helpful and a step in the right direction, for reasons i wont get into but yeah ive talked w my therapist about this. anyway. she said today that tomorrow she will sit down w me and help me put together some plans on how to work with my brain to keep my surroundings a little cleaner. god. im going 2 miss her

#it's hilarious bc shes the nurse people.. well. #people LIKE her its not that they dont like her #but shes very obsessed with the rules and very firm #if ur 5 minutes late from leave u WILL hear about it #and today a patient was complaining #'of course it was her that did the bag check. she took half my stuff' #classic :')))) #she doesnt let u get away with SHIT #which is. exactly y im obsessed w her #that and the fact that she pays a lot of attention and tries to help u more than anyone else #but like.. i got away with way too much as a kid #bc my parents were extremely inattentive #i crave those firm firm boundaries and limits that i didnt get #which has lead to me being obsessed w this random strict nurse #ed mumbles #it's funny to me tho cause it started out as 100% a joke #i JOKED about having a crush on a nurse #NOT SERIOUS AT ALL #now look at me #never joke about anything kids it WILL become a reality #now i fantasise about having a wife who wears scrubs and controls the amount of meds i take #LOL.... #fr though when shes on my brain is soooo smooth #oh and i wrote down very hesitantly that i get triggered by being woken up in the morning #bc it was a violent time for me growing up.. like physically violent #i think she was the only nurse that actually read that.. #bc she started coming in in the morning and talking with me for a bit #rather than just yelling 'wake up' in the doorway which triggers me #and at first i was confused as to why she was doing that #then i realised it's bc she doesn't want to trigger me :'( so she comes in so i can see she's calm + not mad at me

[davidjohnlemahieu]

.

#turns out that having your entire existence - from the time you were a literal toddler - oscillate between being an emotional dumping ground #and being an emotional (usually!) punching bag for the adults in your life fucks you up very very much! #and said adults continue to force those roles onto you even after you yourself are an adult! #i know i should be strong enough not to let them but i'm just not. i don't know how to be anything other than this #the other side to this is that no one ever thinks to support me emotionally bc i should just always be able to shoulder everyone else's shit #AND mine! :-) #and i let it happen. and idk how not to. #i feel like i need to have a big giant ugly cry about a lot of shit but i literally can't #i come so close. i tear up. and then that's it #i'm being edged and denied by my own tear ducts lmao #anyway why is life like this i want to leave everyone and move somewhere else and start over

[running-in-the-dark]

went to bed early and woke up before 8am today! pretty cool. except I woke up with a bad headache and eventually had a very long nap.

I'm just so damn tired! like, no matter how much or how well or when I sleep, I'm still tired all day. so it's just pointless trying to fix my sleep schedule (when I'll just be asleep most of the day anyway).

#and also. #my mother in law just very sternly told us to fold our clothes after washing them #for some reason she just. started washing our clothes when we got here. no one asked her to. she didn't ask us. just did it #and then acts like it's such a burden. yes and no one asked you to do it 🤔 #anyway no I will not be folding my damn clothes because they are going right back in an ikea bag because there is nowhere else to put them #we have one tiny wardrobe in 'our' room and there's lots of things that have to go in there so that the cats don't eat/destroy them #and. I am so fucking tired all the time no folding my clothes (to put them right back in a bag) is not a priority right now #guess what? our clothes usually stay in a laundry basket until we wear them (bc I don't have the energy and my husband just doesn't care 🤷) #it's not an issue. we are adults. we don't wear fancy shit that would look awful and wrinkly. our t-shirts will be fine. #I don't know man. it's only been a week and I already feel like peeling off my skin because of how she is #genuinely I cannot handle being treated like this. I couldn't handle it when I was an actual child and I sure as fuck can't handle it now #I don't know why I thought this would be fine. why did I let him convince me that she'd be different this time. #I know it's no big deal! she's just so judgmental and mean about everything. like the most inconsequential shit #like - last week on the day my husband worked from home he took a few breaks. as he normally does. obviously. #and she kept telling him to go back to work??? what the hell man he's a fully grown adult who has been working for years and at this #particular job for over a year. HE knows when he can take a fucking break. #like. she's never joking. she never says something casually. it's always serious and judgmental and negative. #I feel like I'm suffocating #anyway. only 49 days left. I can do it. I can get through this (knowing that I won't have to see her/them more than a few times a year afte #we move) #(I feel like an ungrateful piece of shit bc it IS very kind and generous that they are letting us live here for free for two months. and I #am grateful! but it's just not good for me mentally. that's all I'm saying. the problem is me.) #personal