#basically like goldilocks i need everything to be juuuuuust right which like. perfect IS the enemy of good and i know it!!

[aeide-thea]

thinking abt like. if you introduce someone to something you're into and they're like, wow, that's so awesome, you're probably tickled that they dig it and are seemingly a kindred spirit at least that far; if you then introduce them to another thing you're into and they're again like, wow, that's so awesome, you're probably still pleased but also perhaps guiltily wondering whether they know any other adjectives; and if you introduce them to a third thing and yet again they're like, wow, that's so awesome, you're probably asking yourself, was any of that affirmation actually real or is this person just so reflexively accommodating that they've been turning off whatever independent critical faculties they possess in order to play a better yes-man???

(for values of 'you' that primarily mean 'me' obviously)

#just thinking a lot this week abt like. on the one hand i SO deeply need people to be kind and exhibit a readiness to be pleased #and i'm so relieved and grateful when i encounter that energy #but like. on the other hand i need to feel like i actually meet your standards‚ not like you don't HAVE any? #like. if a golden retriever wants to be pals it means nothing. if a cat wants to be pals it means everything #and like. if we're being honest i'm very very very picky abt. everything. i was going to specify areas but. it's all of them. #i just try not to actively be a dick abt it to anyone's face bc i think that's really important #(and like. i did a slightly less good job of hiding that in certain ways this week than i probably endorse so i'm thinking abt that) #(like i think the problem is that it always feels v important to be clear abt my tastes/Who I Am bc i want to be Understood) #(but like. sometimes ppl just aren't the sort of people who are going to Understand me and i need to get better abt cutting bait) #(and prioritizing courtesy abt their tastes over clarity abt mine in those cases) #idk. have very extremely not resolved the tension between my various values here #basically like goldilocks i need everything to be juuuuuust right which like. perfect IS the enemy of good and i know it!! #but at the same time like. it IS better to be alone than to be with people who chafe you raw. #but maybe eventually if you let them sand you into a new shape it'll be good? but. feels bad to be sanded. #anyway. strongly suspect this is not actually a coherent post i'm very sleepytired #this week was really really challenging and left me with a lot of food for thought. also some pie