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horowitz76hassan-blog · 5 years

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Maybe The greatest Favourable Position Provided By Video games

Maybe The best Favourable Place Provided By Games

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Alcohol and Sea-Salt Bath

Developer: EA DICE

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helloaymawkward · 4 years

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Ghost of Future Past

“So, it’s your last day here?” I asked the senior lab tech training me for the day. I asked myself as well, for the umpteenth time.

I’ve been contemplating on handing out my resignation letter since the first week of my first “real-world” job. How unappreciative, right? I should at least endure a year!

Well, that was my plan even while I was still an intern. When my ghost of future past would haunt me, I would remind myself to:

Experience the actual med tech life, save up, and maybe love the job on the process! Plus, almost everyone who knows about my dual citizenship, says I’m so lucky to have an easy path to their ideal job. I would just be like that exemplar alumni who now lives the American dream life.

The American Dream life was my new aspiration. The former one was "to become (ehem) a NeUroSurGeon" when people asked the ultimate question after high school. The younger me - who didn't know her limitations yet - thought operating on brains would not only make me rich, it would also make me cool.

Why not? I was a salutatorian. I could do anything!

Being a neurosurgeon was the best field I could think of that is related to my interest.

I was (and more so am!) very fascinated by a person's values, morals, emotions, and way of thinking. I thought all of which has a common denominator: the mind, the human brain. I took up the supposed best pre-med because I was for sure taking the straight path of studying brains as med subspecialty.

However, after being placed in environments where I was not always at the top, and often at the bottom instead, I somehow had let go of the Neurosurgeon “dream”.

It turns out that I can do anything, but not everything.

(Click Video Link below to see if how I would be if I were a doctor.)

https://streamable.com/0ly3pn

I seriously considered shifting to Psychology at the end of my third year. I even consulted the college’s guidance counselor (which was of no help because they only cared about students who are suicidal or, with absolute failing grades). There were days I balled my eyes out because my study table was far more interesting than the lessons I had to master.

I hated myself for changing so much. I thought that my prudent high school self would be more suited for my college life. She was studious and focused. She knew her priorities. She seemed wiser too.

She once said on her salutatory speech that “This stage is our port, and our diplomas are passports to our respective life destinations.”

With those flowery words, one would think so. But I realized then that my high school self was also none the wiser.

For her, life’s destination were stability and success. She only knew she needed to escape. So, she bought the ticket for the number one tourist spot for premeds. She didn’t care if she barely heard about her first stop; wrote Bachelor of Science in Laboratory Medical Science instead of Medical Laboratory Science on her enrollment form. (I applied originally and got accepted for Psychology. I only had a full spell out of the course during enrollment hehehe)

Apparently, I bought the wrong ticket. Still, I endured my premed major. I was already in it. I didn’t want to waste the money, time, and effort I invested for the past 2 and a half years.

It helped that my mom’s mantra “You can do it! Ikaw pa! Fake it ‘till you make it!”, my aunt’s “Your problems are nothing compared to what we’ve been through.” and my grandma’s “Quitting is hopelessness, and hopelessness is the devil’s work. You just need to pray more.” were constant reminders that made my ghost hide somewhere in my subconscious.

Plus, finishing one more year of my bachelors, find a good job as soon as I can, and finally be an independent and professional adult sounded more ideal than “spending more time in school.”

To become one less mouth to be fed from the many who are so dependent on my mom (and in turn equals dad), to be able to give back to my parents (who I feel so indebted for since I'm not exactly my step dad's responsibility), and to my Mama Lola as soon as I can was a better motivation than “I want to help better people’s lives.”

I didn’t know I was a Gang Tae. The loved ones I look up to are Gang Taes. In turn I became one. My motivations were worthy of what I presumed was a (for the lack of better words) heroic sacrifice.

I wanted to take my Mama Lola away from our seemingly perpetual suffering that close-knit Filipino family seem to excel at.

I was afraid to be stuck or get swept by my current circumstance. I still worried for my past, that the changes that lead to the present weren’t genuine, and people would eventually fall back to their old habits – their unchanged selves. Most specially, I feared becoming just like them.

I had to be independent as soon as I can.

AS SOON AS I CAN.

Now some parts of Soon has come:

· finish my bachelors

· get a good job

Parts of Soon that hasn't come, yet:

o Becoming an independent adult (I still live with my parents, and they I still provided for my meals. Heck, my dad still even drops and picks me to and from work!)

o Take my Mama-lola away from her stressful sons by encouraging her to go here in the US (I know she'd be more comfortable when I'm with her in a country where she repeatedly described her life would be as FOREIGN, LONELY, and ISOLATED.)

o When worse comes to worst, be financially stable enough that no matter how messed-up my family and extended family may become, I will be able to survive on my own without bother.

You see though, after I checked the first two, my ghost of future past kept knocking on me; keeps knocking on me...

Particularly when internet algorithm keeps suggesting personality and career tests with results that exactly fits (and unbeknownst to many) what I truly value , and shows me this quote:

Or Vlogs like: (watch whole vid at the end of the post.)

And this Ted Talk:

My mom asked me several times, “What's your plan? Don't you want to grow?” When I was still applying for jobs.

I had different a answer. But if I were to say what I truly felt I would reply:

"Yes, this is part of the plan. But I don't know if I'll grow here - if I even want to grow. This plan is a practical and quick sacrifice. I'm just following it. Not pursuing it. Of course! I want to grow! *pun intended* but not on this career path."

Hence, my ungrateful thoughts of burning my first bridge even if I barely started building it. I really thought I’d learn to love it when I start living it, specially if it’s the “ideal life”.

Apparently, like the words affect and effect, “The Ideal” and “The Fulfilled” - what’s “interesting” versus what’s “valuable” - are often confused. This most specially occurs when one’s justifications root from fear (or need to escape) and envy (or envisioning someone else’s exemplar life.)

“Fake it till you make it.”

“A shallower problem…”

“Quitting is hopelessness…”

“You’re so lucky, you’ll just become like her..”

“As soon as I can!”

These are the words that make me treat what I find valuable, as something that I should fear. I try to ignore it, but my mind conjures almost everything I see, or that happens as a sign – as its face, as my ghost.

My coworker training me (among all four trainees) on her last day, and finding out that after 30 years in our laboratory she is still transferring to the company she first wanted to work for, is another face of my ghost.

A ghost telling me that, no matter how far I’ll make it, if I faked my way, in the end I’ll still long for what I truly value.

That my dilemma isn’t shallow. I am aware of my privileges. I may have it better than others, but it doesn’t mean what I seek is invalid.

That quitting, or changing a path isn’t hopelessness, or laziness. Sometimes, it’s the most unexpected detour I didn’t think I need.

Above all, it won’t make me the kind of person who is among my greatest fear of becoming. (More of this on another story.)

That I don’t want to become “just like her.” I am grateful, and I am indebted to what others call as “luck.”

Nevertheless, I want to become the person I wished I had when my mom was still a mess. I want to be the guide that my younger cousins, and other neglected children and young adults can confide to and can listen to. I want to be the person whom adults can trust and lean on as if they were children, so they can become better adults. I want to be the mentor I wish I had in school, and I wish to have in life.

That I should stop thinking “As soon as I can!” Because, I am not delayed. I should not be in a rush. I don’t need to be my or society’s “ideal”. Whatever I decide to do, it is best to be done at the present since it’ll only fundamentally affect me (unlike when I’ll act on it if I have children, or debts.)

Or am I getting ahead of myself again? Am I putting meaning into nothing? How can I find work that is related to what I value, especially during a pandemic? Should I hand in my resignation?

I ask myself these as I try to conclude this blog (Again! I thought I arrived at a conclusion yesterday), on an unexpected day off because dad’s car suddenly died last night (for the first time since they got it, and as I was waiting for another sign), while eyeing Viktor Frankl’s “Man’s Search For Meaning” (the book just got delivered this afternoon.)

***Originally written on: 08/17/2020***

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#spilled thoughts

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