#back from the grave bitches but still wanna nap for eternity

[inhum3n]

Who do we want to comfort us?

This is something I’ve come to realize recently.

So we are aware that MaDD is a coping mechanism. A way to satisfy some sort of hole in our present life or to escape. I want to focus on the former here. That being, MaDD acting as a compensating mechanism. I am someone who has struggled with emotionally expressing myself as well with alot of feelings of invalidation. I think I’ve used MaDD to live out my emotions in scenarios where they feel justified. And like I've mentioned in previous posts I think MaDD provides me a place to spit out all those negative emotions without fear of consequences.

All of this is to say that I believe that I daydream to compensate for what I feel like I lack in my real life. And recently I’ve come to the realization that one of the things I feel I lack is comfort from those around me. At times I am struck with a strong desire to be comforted. And I think I’ve used my daydreams as a stand in for when I couldn’t reach out to those around me.

And then something changed.

It can be pretty difficult to be self aware of oneself when you experience maladaptive daydreaming. It can be hard at times to get to the root as to why your daydreams manifest the way they do. At least it has been for me. If I am to get to the root of things I really have to consciously take a step back and analyze my daydreams. Which I rarely do given that I’m nearly always submerged in them, hence the difficulty with self-awareness. 

A little awhile ago, after noticing this re-occurring desire for comfort I stood back and asked myself, “So who am I desiring comfort from in my real life”. My thoughts being that all my daydreams stretched back to the real world and that by noting what I wanted in my actual life I could satisfy these wants, and thus maybe dampen the daydreaming. 

But as I searched my mind as to who I desired comfort from in my life my mind came back nearly blank. In fact I found that when running through all the people in my life, my question wasn’t “Do I want comfort from this person?” but rather “If I had to choose who I wanted to get comfort from who would it be?”. I came up with one person. This is all to say that I suddenly realized that I didn’t want the people in my life to comfort me at all. I think originally I did, but somewhere along the road it changed. And I noted in numb surprise that I wanted comfort specifically from my paras. I wanted their attention and affection, not anyone’s else.

This may not seem like news to some of you. But for me it was. I assumed that the reason why I sought out comfort from my pars was because I couldn’t do that in my real life. And I do think this was the case initially. But in my effort to forge comfort I got so attached to the way my paras provided it that I stopped wishing to receive it from actual people. This is not good. And I have to say it was bit of sad realization. 

i may have to write a post about what “getting comfort” looks like in my paracosms. It’s misleading, making it sound like I daydream of back rubs and affirming words, but more often than not my daydreams are of my parame in the act of desperately seeking out comfort from their paras. Yes I may write more about that later.

But for now, this new realization was something I wanted to post. I think at times I start to believe that I’m not that attached or “into” my paracosms. That they’re just a fun little side distraction, but then I have these realizations and I am forced to face some bitter truths...

#maladaptive daydreaming #Maladaptive daydreaming disorder #maladaptivedaydreaming #MADD #actuallymadd #back from the grave bitches but still wanna nap for eternity

[askfreddiemercury]

in the closet: eternity

The real world has always been against us. The real world is scary, how can anyone live in it? Guess they don’t have to deal with what we always deal with, nothing but crazy bastards out for blood.

Brian: What the hell are we going to do? We can’t just wait, he’ll die for sure.

Jim: Then we get him help.

Brian: Where? The nearest hospital wants him dead.

Jim: We go elsewhere.

Roger scoffs.

Roger: Will he even make anywhere?

Jim: I don’t know.

Brian: He’s already in really bad condition, Jim. Roger’s right, Jim. Either we do something now or else Fred’s condition gets worse.

Jim: Alright. What are we going to do?

Brian moves over to get a better look at Freddie, he’s burnt on his right side luckily not too bad but not good either, that side of his face reminds of Michigan now. What I wouldn’t do just to see that fucker’s face again, at least then I’d know I’m not in the past and in grave danger.

Brian: First, we can get what’s burned covered up so it doesn’t get infected, secondly, we get his ankle held straight and his arm too. Lastly, we get to another hospital out of town, we can’t come back here.

Roger: Yeah no shit.

John: Rog…

Roger: Sorry sorry…

~~~~~

Roger: Coast is clear, for real this time.

He says as he continues to look around frantically, Brian and John are trying to hijack a car so we get to the hospital faster, we can’t waste any time.

John: Ha, found one with the keys inside. So irresponsible.

Brian: Shut up and get in, everyone, now.

~~~~~

After an eternity later, we make it to another town which was further than I was expecting. We get Freddie to the hospital and thankfully the doctors will take of him from there, once he’s good to go we can get the hell out of here, but I don’t want to rush him especially after what he’s been through.

Doctor: Long day?

Brian: You have no idea.

Doctor: Could you try explaining to me what happened?

Roger: A couple of people weren’t too fond of our friend there, as you can probably tell.

Brian: He escaped from a crazy doctor, that doctor gets a gang to go after him and try to kill him by any means necessary, he was caught in a fire and couldn’t do anything about it.

Doctor: What did your friend do?

Jim: Be in love with me…

Doctor: Yikes, that’s awfully dangerous in these times, trust me I would know.

We all look at the doctor, no way.

Doctor: I don’t dare say anything to anyone about it because I could lose my job, I wouldn’t be hired anywhere if I did.

He smiles and nods at us before walking off to do doctor stuff, I’m awfully exhausted.

~~~~~

Hours pass by as we sit in the waiting room looking at the exact same things and occasionally a new face, the doctor comes back with good news.

Doctor: As I thought, your friend is going to be just fine, he still hasn’t said anything to us but maybe he’ll speak to you. You can go and see him now if you wish.

Roger: Hell yeah we do.

We all stand up and walk to the elevator so we can see how Freddie is doing, I sure hope he doing well enough. Before we head into the room, the guys stop and just let me go inside first. I close the door behind me.

Jim: Freddie…? It’s me, Jim.

Freddie: I’m blind in my right eye, not deaf in my right ear, darling. I know it’s you, you sound tired.

He says as he stares at the wall with a thousand-yard stare.

Jim: That noticeable huh? You don’t know how happy I am to hear from you. The doctor said you wouldn’t talk to him, why?

Freddie: Even If he’s a good doctor, I’d rather not speak to one for a while.

Jim: You look good.

Freddie: I look Michigan.

Jim: You like him though.

Freddie: Because of everything I thought about him was wrong, he could say the same about me too, he saved my life, of course, I do. He’s someone that looked at me back then and probably said “You know what? I wanna spend my days with that person.” Like I did with you.

Jim: I didn’t even know you, yet you keep trying.

Freddie: I’m glad I never stopped trying or else we wouldn’t have this amazing life together.

He takes my hand with his other and looks me in the eyes.

Freddie: Michigan is just scared to admit what he is because of his father and he actually did while he was alive, then Michigan cuts his throat, shoots his father’s boyfriend in the face, and hides away for about 20 years. Only to come back during Live Aid to scare the hell out of me on stage, tries to kill me for those reasons, and saves me from being kill by a crazy dimension hopping fan. What a crazy son of a bitch he is.

Well, that was a mouth full, I could care less about that psychopath, but just he dare hurt my Freddie again… Just he dare…

Jim: You need to control your “magic” then.

Freddie: Is it my fault Jake somehow learned to use my “magic” from the me of his dimension? Is it my fault he was obsessed with me?

Jim: Yes.

Freddie: Why?

Jim: Because you’re so adorable.

~~~~~

I see what he did there, just trying to cheer me up in one of my lowest moments.

Freddie: What will people think of me when we go back home?

Jim: Those scars will clear in a couple of days, right? If so then don’t worry about it, they make you look manly.

Freddie: Stop, you’re making me blush I look ridiculous.

The door opens and Roger pokes his head into the room than John underneath him than Brian above him, what the hell?

Roger: So, how ya doing? Jeez, you don’t look so good.

Freddie: Yeah thanks, Roger, as if I didn’t already know that I can’t see out of my eye.

Jim: You guys can come inside, you know.

John: We didn’t want to ruin the mood.

Brian: Pretty sure we already did that, didn’t we?

Freddie & Jim: Yup.

They finally open the door all the way and step inside, at least they’ll look like less of a bunch of weirdos.

Brian: How do you feel?

Freddie: As good as I can feel, not very. My face hurt, my body aches like hell, my arm and leg are broken which doesn’t make the body ache any better. I just want to go home, please universe just grant me that one thing.

I plead as I lay back and sigh, why didn’t some strange being give me these powers if they’re just gonna torture me with them? What’s the point? I guess the only time I’ve been able to escape something was if I’m under serious stress, if I am this big portal opens and down I go into it. I usually end up back home too. What?! Was I almost being burned alive not under heavy stress?! Make up your mind universe for god’s sake!!

Brian: If you can manage to get yourself back home we’ll come with even if we’re not near you, I think that’s pretty cool.

Roger: You think anything to do with the universe is cool, Brian, I just want to go home and take a big nap. That’s what sounds good right now.

Brian rolls his eyes.

Freddie: I wish I could take us back now, but I can’t and I don’t get it. It’s stupid!

John: Have you guys ever wondered what created us to be here?

Roger: Our parents?

John: Besides them, what was that crazy idea you had?

He points at me, what John’s talking about is the time I figured out that we’re all alternative versions of ourselves in a different universe than the real world which we’re in right now, we came to life because someone in this world (but sometime in the future of the real world) wished for us. It could be just because they didn’t want to forget a special moment, that moment being Live Aid!

For some odd reason everyone in our universe doesn’t see that it’s a little weird that we always seem to have it every other year, I mean, wouldn’t you find it weird playing the same songs all the time? Oh! There’s also this one theory I have where I’m pretty sure we’re all being watched by someone or sometimes a group all the time! I haven’t quite put my finger on it but I just have the feeling of someone watching me 24/7 and that’s weird too.

Freddie: It’s not crazy, John, it’s real! I know it is!

Roger: Yeah, it’s not crazy… It’s crazy…

Brian: You really think we’re alternative versions of what?

Freddie: Of us! The us of the real world!

Roger: And just what is the real world?

Freddie: The world we’re in right now!

John: Why haven’t we seen us then?

Freddie: Because we’re in America in the fifties!

Jim places his hand on my arm sling in an attempt to calm me down.

Jim: You guys got him all worked up, can’t you see he’s already in pain? Don’t make it worse for him.

Roger: I’ll just say I sort of believe you, Freddie, that would explain a lot of this theory of yours turns out to be true. If it is, I’ll let you punch me.

Freddie: I’ll look forward to rubbing it in all your faces, deal.

Roger: Deal.

Jim: Oh no...

#freddie mercury #jim hutton #jimercury #roger taylor #brian may #john deacon #in the closet (story/eve)