#as a white-passing mexican who has been told my ma & family are going to be taken 'back to where they came from'

[everyhowlmarksthedead]

COSAS DE NIÑOS.

Marcus Alvarez x Che Taza Romero's daughter!Reader

Word count: 2k

Thanks to my lovely beta reader @chibsytelford 💖

Author Comments: Just something I needed to write about, I hope you all enjoy. Gif credits: @fromthesixteenthfloor

Tag list: @starrynite7114 ​ @chibsytelford ​ @dazzledamazon ​ @mara-mpou ​ @sammskellington ​ @gemini0410 ​ @1-800-imagines ​ @briana-mishell24 ​ @sassymox @whyisgmora @aquamento @sadeyesgf @viviansafizada @samcrobae @jade770 ✨ (if you wanna be tagged, send me a message!)

“FUCK!”

You spit your coffee turning over your barefoot, looking at your daughter through the american kitchen, without repairing in the mess you have done all around the tile floor. Lucia is painting in one of her color books and apparently she came out of the line.

“What was that, ah?”

She glances at you somewhat confused, pausing her important task.

“It's my new favorite word”.

The girl shrugs her shoulders playing the innocent one.

“No, it's not. And don' say that again”.

“Fuck”. She repeats challenging you, narrowing the big brown eyes.

“¿Qué dijo, señorita?” (What did you say?)

“You hea'me, mama”.

“Okay… Pack your things”.

“Where we goen'?” Her confusion comes back to her face, getting up from the chair.

“You're gonna say it to El Padrino”.

“No! No, mama! I'm sorre'!” She runs at you terrified, tangling her tiny arms around your right leg.

“I said ‘pack your things’, señorita”. There's no way back. Not even when Lucia starts to cry begging you with all her efforts.

Ignoring your daughter, you end your coffee as she put her case and her book inside the pink bag, with the tears wetting the shirt she's wearing. Sometimes is painful act like you don't care that she's sad, nor upset, nor unhappy, but she has to learn what se can say and what she can't. It would be easy if her father was there, with you two, but you can't try to fuck up the MC if you don't wanna be buried somewhere in the Sonoran desert. At least, you have your father who usually helps you with Lucia constantly. But Marcus is the one she loves. No one can mess with him is your daughter is around. And of course, no one can mess with your daughter without suffering by El Padrino. You know him since ever, practically, and when the Mayans killed Lucia's father, he promised you that he would take care of both at all cost. You didn't even love that man, so make him disappear was also a god's gift.

Your daughter is crying inconsolably while you tie up the seat belt around her body in the back seat. She stills begging you. Whenever she does something bad, you resort to Marcus. He always knows what to say and what to do with her. And you sometimes feel you shouldn't put that weight on his shoulders, but he seems so delighted when he does that it melts your heart. By turning on your car, you drive through the south border from Santa Madre to Santo Padre, and it only takes you some minutes where your headache starts to grow because of your child's weeping.

“Mama, plez', I'm sorre'”. Bawling full of pain, whilst grabbing her hand as soon as she gets out from the car.

All the bikes are parked there, what it means that the whole crew is inside the clubhouse. This is just getting better and better. Usually, when she misbehaves, the Mayans makes a completely show with it only to support your decisions to correct her bad behavior. Crossing the main door, as her cries get loud, the guys stare at you frowning in your daughter's direction. Leaving in the background whatever they were doing before you came, all of them cross their arms above their chests adopting that position they call “mad tíos”.

“Wha' happen', princesa?” Marcus asks with hidden curiosity.

“Mama, plez'”. She turns at you showing her best puppy-eyes reddened and filled with tears.

“I told ya', señorita. Now, tell Padrino”. You push her into the man, walking with small and slow steps towards him.

The girl has her head down, sobbing and shaking a little with her tiny hands tangled under her belly.

“What did you do, mija?” He says leaning with his arms supported on his lap.

Lucia turns at you for a second, waiting for a last minute redemption. However, you raise your chin pouting in a serious look. She sighs cleaning her tears with the back of her hands, ahead she looks at El Padrino.

“I ju—I just say som—somethen'… bad”.

The mexican nods thoughtful before the next question.

“About me?”

“No! ’Cors' no!” She shakes her head in a dramatic way, taking some more steps close to him.

Your father places himself by your side, giving you a funny look as you're trying not to laugh watching the heart-break faces the crew has.

“I sa-said… ‘fuck’”.

The Mayans continue the show, making a surprised sound before clicking their tongues in disagreement. Good Lord, it's costing you your whole life not to break in laughter.

“Why do I think you didn't just say it once?” Marcus gesture gets somewhat rude and angry, but with that calm position he always has.

“I said it… twice”. When your girl sees how disappointed is her true love, she tries to fix it.

“Dammit, mami!” Coco and Angel says, as the guys pretend that they're whispering about Lucia just to make her feel worse. You all are going to burn in hell.

“But 'am sorre'! I'll not say tha'gain! I promise!”

Marcus, lying on his chair, cross his arms on his chest putting his gaze away your daughter, but in you for a second.

“Wait outside and think about what you did. I'm gonna talk with mama in the meantime”.

Your daughter's cheek are being runned by some tears, so long as she nods.

“Can I hug you?”

You can notice who every heart in the room stops for a second, yours included. Sometimes is so hard to not comfort her that you feel extra bad. But she has to learn one way or another.

“No, mija. Estoy triste por lo que hiciste”. (No, mija. I'm sad for what you did). Marcus gets up of his chair, putting well on his kutte whilst turning to the Templo.

“Sit outside and think about what you did”. You say to your daughter as soon as she walks close to you.

“Mama… do ya' think he coul' be happe' if I draw somethen'?” Lucia asks you with a broken voice and her eyes on her foots.

“I don' know. Try it”.

This sounds like seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, so she practically runs to your car to take her bag and get to work, sitting on the couch in the porch.

“Jeez, my heart…” EZ says, while you chuckles and the rest seems agreed.

“She only listens to Marcus”.

And that's true. Sometimes it bothers you and pushes you to the limit, but you're thankful for having him in your life. Passing away the men who continue with whatever they were doing, you close Templo's door behind your back resting it there. You're laughing slightly like he's doing also shaking his head.

“You're a good mother”. He says then, pulling away the main chair at the table, so he can support his body against the edge.

“Yea', I think so… But sometimes it just… It's difficult”. That's all you can say, because you're not sure how explain it, even if you know he understand you perfectly.

The man offers you a hand, lifted on air, tangling your fingers with his and coming closer till your chests meet. He kisses you, pressing your lips so dearly and gently that your legs are about to fail. Traveling your hands to both sides of the man's neck, his reach your low back. Having a deep breathe after some seconds, Marcus rest his forehead against yours, touching your nose with his in a soft caress.

“You know? I was thinking about tellin' Lucia that we're together”. The mexican says looking for your eyes, and noticing somekind of surprise in them.

“Did you?”.

“Yes”. He just say. “With respect and your permission, I'm already like her father”.

“Yea', you are, Marcus”.

“And it's been eight month since we started”. He adds. “What do you think about having dinner together, maybe… drop it to her”.

“Yes, we could”. Your lips are pursed in brief smile, kissing him again as much as you missed him after three days out of Cali.

“Outside?” Marcus gets up from the table, holding one of your hand and leaving a gentle kiss on the back of it.

“Yea', she thought you would be happy, if she draws something for you”.

El Padrino beams at you, walking towards the colorful glass door to cross it. He lets go your hand to continue with his steps outside, where your daughter is waiting for him.

“Are you gonna tell her?” Taza asks you, putting an arm on your shoulders.

“Yep. We think it's time”. You raise your eyes to your father. He looks good with the idea, knowing how much Marcus loves you and respects you.

┅┅ ┅ ┅ ┅┅

Salsa music floods the restaurant terrace, full of people, families and children that just meet playing and running around the tables decorated with white and small candles. It's a good temperature outside, and Lucia looks happy sitting in front of you, looking everything surrounding her. Drinking of her lemon soda by the straw whilst dancing her hips on the chair, you look at Marcus. You can't help but feeling terrified. You're nervous, not sure if it's going to end well or if it's going to be a chaos. Your daughter is extremely jealous with the mexican.

“So… corazón, we have to tell you something”. You say finally with trembling voice, even if the man is holding and narrowing your hand under the table.

“Are ya' gonna have a baby?”

You're pretty sure your mouth could touch the floor whilst your heart jumping about give you an attack. Marcus breaks in laughter, but you don't see the funny point on it.

“No, mija, we're not gonna have a baby”.

“Oh”. That sounded like a letdown.

“You would like it…?” You ask confused, leaning on the table, with your free arm supported in.

“Yes! It would be cool!”.

“Yes?” Marcus is confused too, with his gaze in your daughter's.

“Yea', I think I coul' sher' ma' dad”.

Sweet Jesus, you're about to die because of a terrible shame. The mexican is about to drown with his own saliva, coughing for a while.

“But, if it's not a baby, what is, mama?” Lucia turns her attention to you, waiting for another thing.

“Well, ahm… Marcus and I…”

“We're together”. He says, knowing that it's costing you a lot to tell her.

“Ya', I knew it”.

“Did you?” Frowning your eyebrows and licking your lips somewhat more relaxed, you twist your neck.

“Yep, you're too obvious, mama”.

You're sure that your boyfriend can't laugh louder than right now, covering his mouth with a hand because of her words. Lucia laughs too, as you chuckle having a sip of your beer.

“I hear' ya' tell tia Letti ‘fuck, we should get married’. That's why it's my favorite word, 'cuz I would like't too, mama”.

“Jesus Christ…” Your hands covering your face as you nail your elbows on the table, and your cheeks getting red as hell.

“Did you?” Marcus ask with some kind of mirth.

“Canna' go to play?” The innocence in her voice overwhelms you, while she's asking directly to her ‘new dad’.

“Claro, mija, ve. Te avisamos cuando llegue la orden”. (Sure, mija, go. We'll tell you when the food is here).

As soon as Lucia jumps off of her chair, Marcus turns at you without letting go your hand, and by supporting the other arm on the table.

“Did you?” He asks again very interested in your answer.

“Maybe”. You reply with pursed lips trying not to laugh because of the bashfulness.

The man, leaning above you and reaching one of your flushed cheeks, catches your lips between his in a sweet and silky kiss. Slowly, enjoying the peace that has just arrived to your life after having the agreement of your daughter.

“I'll keep it in mind, mi amor”.

#mayans mc #mayans mc x reader #mayans mc imagine #mayans x reader #marcus alvarez #marcus alvarez x reader #marcus alvarez imagine

[we-are-inevitable]

not moving on, not looking back // ch. 9

A/N: FINALLY GOT ANOTHER CHAPTER UP AHHAHAHAAAA i hope you guys like this!!

Read On AO3!

“David! I’m getting a divorce!”

That is decidedly not what David had expected to hear at 7:45 on a Thursday morning, but at least Katherine seems happy about it. It takes a few moments for him to fully process the gravity of the situation, but David is quick to adapt, raising a brow and staring at her with a confused smile. “Uh- huh, that… Wow? Good? Oh no? How- How do I respond to that?”

“Good! It’s good!” Katherine squeals as she sits down, on top of one of the spare desks stored in David’s room. She already looks different, more carefree; she’s wearing her hair up, has on bolder makeup than usual, and is wearing a pair of fitted slacks, heels, a blush colored blouse and a blazer rather than her typical dress. “I’m checking in at the motel for a while until I can find myself somewhere to stay, but we talked it out and he agreed with me and everything is fine, so, yeah! Last night was the last time we’re ever going to sleep together, so it was a special occasion and I’m a little hungover, but don’t tell anyone,” Katherine chirps quickly, looking at David with a wide grin.

That is a lot to take in. He looks at her as he leans back against his desk, crossing his arms in front of him. “I’m sorry, did you say you slept with Jack after agreeing to divorce? Like, slept in the same bed?”

“Nope. We fucked.”

“I-- Wow, okay. Kath, that’s not a mental picture I needed to see.”

“Unless you think about Jack alone, right?”

David nods before he can stop himself. As soon as he does so, his eyes widen and he immediately shakes his head, staring at Katherine as his jaw drops. “Wait, no! No, no, I don’t-- What? No, that isn’t-- I’m not-- No!”

Katherine doesn’t look convinced.

David hesitates for a moment before giving in and sighing, hiding his face in his hands. “Look, Kath, I am so sorry… It’s just- It’s a stupid little crush. Nothing substantial, and nothing happened, I promise. He doesn't even know, and--"

“Wait, you think I’m upset?” She asks with an amused tone. “David, this is the best thing that’s ever happened to us! I think you two would be really good for each other.”

“Shouldn’t you be the one to know that your husband is straight?” David asks with a raised brow, then blinks. “Unless-- No, no, I don’t want to hear any more. If something is going to happen, then I want to hear it from him first. I don’t want to speculate.” He runs a hand through his hair and sighs, then looks at Katherine. “What… What are you trying to say?”

“I’m trying to say that this is something I give you permission to pursue. Not that you need it, of course; you’re a grown man. You can do what you want,” She says simply, before standing and taking a few strides toward David. “But if you like Jack, then I want you to go for it. I won’t mind. I don’t know how he’ll feel, I don't know if he'll feel the same way, but… it’s worth a shot.”

David looks down at her with a hesitant look, before giving a sharp nod. “Noted. Thank you… I just-- If and only if he feels the same. I... don’t want to be a rebound? I’ve been in that situation. It’s never, ever good for my mental health.”

“Then take things slow and see where it leads," Katherine says gently, then bites her lip. "But I’ve known Jack since sophomore year, Davey, and he isn’t the kind of guy to do something like that. I promise,” She murmurs  sincerely, gently squeezing David’s shoulder. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go do some paperwork.”

David watches as she walks toward the classroom door. He thinks for just a moment, and opens his mouth before he can stop himself. “Hey, Kat?”

“Hm?”

“Stay with me until you find a place,” David says simply, looking at her with a grin. “Don’t waste your money on a motel. I have a spare bedroom you can take, so… Stay with me. It’s the least I could do, since you’ve helped me so much these last few weeks. I-- My sister is coming into town this weekend, so I’ll be sleeping on the couch, but the spare room is yours.”

Katherine considers it, then smirks. “I hope you’re ready for all night Gossip Girl marathons.”

“As long as we throw a few episodes of Glee in, I’m down.”

“Trashy reality TV?”

“A must have, obviously. Sappy romcoms?”

“I have a whole box of DVDs,” Katherine grins, then gives David a wave and walks toward the door. “I’m staying with Hannah tonight- she's a friend of mine. Works with Jack," She explains with a broad sweep of her hand. "But I’ll see you tomorrow! Get ready for some Blake Lively action!” With that, she leaves the room, giggling down the hall.

David shakes his head as she walks away, letting out a content sigh. For once, he feels... Good. Excited. He’s looking forward to Katherine staying over, for as long as she needs to, of course. It would be good. He has… a friend.

That’s the first time it really hits him that he has a friend. Katherine and Jack are his friends, his real friends, and David is so glad to have them in his life.

But he needs to check up on Jack.

That afternoon, David says goodbye to Katherine in the office before heading outside the front doors. He walks down the sidewalk for a few moments, but stops in his tracks when he sees a familiar deep blue truck in the parking lot, and hears a familiar deep voice softly singing along to an old Johnny Cash song.

David grins to himself and walks toward the truck. His smile only grows wider when Jack notices him and rolls the driver’s side window down, waving. “Davey! Hi!”

David shakes his head, hurrying toward the truck. “What are you doing here, cowboy?”

“Well, ya see, I was gonna pick up my ex, but she told me she was workin’ late while I was already here, so I decided to stay and pick up the only adult I know who doesn’t own a car,” Jack says with a smirk, hanging one arm out of the window. He’s still in his professional "I'm A College Professor, Respect Me" clothes- navy slacks, a white button up with the sleeves rolled to his forearms, and a navy vest. He seems to have already taken off his tie, but he’s wearing glasses and oh, God, David is weak at the knees.

“See, I knew not owning a car would come in handy,” David teases back, leaning up against the door of the truck. “I am the responsible and economically-friendly adult who doesn’t own a truck that emits tons of carbon emissions into the atmosphere each year that you’re talking about, right?”

“That’s the gayest thing I’ve ever heard you say. Get in the truck before I leave you here, dumbass.”

“Yes, sir,” David replies with a chuckle, walking around the vehicle to climb in. He sighs as he sits down and leans back, buckling up as Jack pulls out of the parking spot. “Hey, so, I... I know that the whole Katherine thing didn’t work out. How’re you holding up?”

“I think I’m doin’ good,” Jack replies with a sigh, looking straight ahead at the road in front of them. “It’s… It’s a good thing. Right? I mean, it’s an amicable split. We aren’t fighting over the house, ‘cause it belonged to my family, and we already figured out who gets to keep what last night after... yeah. Plus, this’ll be good for… me. Give me the chance to, uh, figure some things out. Self exploration, that’s what Kath said.”

That sounds promising, but David refuses to get his hopes up. “Well, if you need anything, let me know. I'm here for you, Jackie,” David offers with a soft elbow nudge, grinning. “So, the house belongs to your family?”

“Belonged. Past tense. They’re all, uh, gone.”

“Oh, shit, I'm sorry. I didn't realize."

“No, hey, it’s chill. I kinda figured Kath would tell you about it, but I guess not,” Jack says with a shrug and a glance toward David, offering him a sad smile. “My mamá, her family owned it. They moved to America in the ‘30s. Stayed in Texas for a while, but they came up this way for work. My great grandfather worked here in Tarrytown, and actually helped build the house, plus a few others around town. There were some… family issues regarding ownership of the house, so it was sold to a different couple when I, uh… moved, but Kath and I bought it after we got out of college. It’s been renovated, but it’s a piece of history.”

“I figured that you were hispanic, but I didn’t want to assume,” David says softly. It feels really nice to learn a little bit more about Jack in such an intimate way. "That-- Sorry, I just... yeah. The house is really cool."

“Ya don't gotta be sorry for wonderin', Davey. I'm Mexican,” Jack clarifies with a grin. “If ya can’t tell by me bein’, y’know, brown. My great grandpa, Francisco- he and his wife, Dorotea, brought their three kids over. My abuela met my abuelo here in Tarrytown and had my ma. My mother’s maiden name was Maria Velásquez, but she married a guy named Daniel Kelly, so that’s where I come in,” Jack explains with a deep chuckle, shaking his head. His smile soon fades, though. “She passed when I was ten, and my dad… He’s gone. My adoptive mom lives in Connecticut now, too, so now it’s just… me.”

“Shit, Jack…” David bites his lip, looking over at him with a concerned expression. He rubs the back of his neck, gulping hard. “If it’s any consolation, I’m glad you were able to get the house. To, y’know, have something of your family. I'm sorry you had it so rough, though.”

“Thanks, Dave,” Jack says with a grin, then shrugs. “And don’t get all down on me now. It’s been eighteen years since that shit went down, so I’m good. Really,” He nods, and there are a few moments of silence that pass before Jack turns to look him in the eyes. “Hey, are you free for a little bit?”

David really should have said no. He really should have avoided being anywhere alone with Jack for a prolonged amount of time, because this was only going to end in heartbreak.

But, then again, David has been through worse.

“I’m all yours.”

#jack kelly #davey jacobs #david jacobs #katherine pulitzer #katherine plumber #newsies musical #newsies #newsies fic #newsies live #livesies #katherine plumber pulitzer #jac writes #tarrytown au

[kostovas]

my diary post about my feelings before going to college

august 22, 2017, 10:06 pm, my room in El Paso

The way that I tend to deal with my problems/worries is that I don’t think about them and ignore them and keep ignoring them until they get so big that I’m forced to think about and deal with them.

That is basically what I have been doing this entire summer. I don’t even remember the last time I wrote in my diary and I’ve decided to start typing it out instead since I’m afraid I won’t have the motivation to literally write out my diary in COLLEGE, aka, the problem/worry, which branches out into a bunch of other little problems/worries (I’m going to be living 10 hours away from home, what if I mess up while doing the laundry, what if the work is too hard, my parents are going to be sad,) that I have been pushing away

Although to be honest about 90% of the summer consisted of me in my room writing fan fiction or watching Netflix or scrolling through twitter, I still really didn’t think much about it…

Orientation? Did I even write about it? It was fine, it was good, I instantly clicked with my roommate sara, yes, same name as me, and my orientation-roommate was nice but I have a weird after-taste about her because she told me she was Latina because although she is German Swedish Irish french Spanish insert a billion other super white ethnicities here, her mom is from New Mexico!

Orientation just felt like a more cramped, panicked version of NSLC camp which I went to last year. NSLC was like, a random pocket-universe where I met new people who I spontaneously had a lot in common with and thought about my future in entertainment business with just for fun. Orientation is where I met new people who I very un-spontaneously had at least one thing in common with, starting ut, and thought about my future for real.

I feel like I’ve got some things down, aka my class schedule and what music I could potentially listen to while walking around campus (my Austin playlist is a lot of vampire weekend and sza and I know that sounds like a weird combo but it feels insanely fitting) but for the most part I still very much have ABSOLUTELY ZERO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING!

I…. AM PANICKING BIG TIME RIGHT NOW… I CRIED LIKE A MINUTE BEFORE I STARTED WRITING THIS… WHICH I HAVE NOT DONE (at least not over anything that wasn’t a book or a tv show or a movie) THIS ENTIRE SUMMER!!!

This summer, although filled with a lot of nothing and empty spaces, felt so perfect and so teenage-me. Maybe not truly me, truly what I would have done in my perfect world, but just… what I would do as a teenager. I know I’m still technically going to be a teenager for at least awhile in college, but, not like this. Not the El Paso bred high school boredom tennis court by Lorde Gilmore girls crying teenager. I’ll be something else, whatever it is, and I have no idea what. I am afraid to meet her. I am excited I am scared I am going to vomit all over this new computer I bought for college

I went to a lot of movies this summer, mostly with nicole and mostly at the Alamo draft house and mostly before they came out (baby driver, good time, which I both liked but baby driver way more).

I got my drivers license and I passed the test by literally oNE POINT

I drove by myself to nicoles apartment and we had weird conversations about our psychic feelings and premonitions about our own lives and deaths. That was the first time I drove by myself and it was for about five minutes and I sung out loud to dua lipa the entire time because I feel like falling asleep any time I go in a moving vehicle and theres no music and my dad drove me back later because it was raining.

I also drove to pick up alondra the Friday before she left for college. Her first day of school was today and she left like a week early. She’s in South Carolina at college of Charleston and I’m even scared for her. We got chick fil a and went home and talked about da Vinci and being Latina outside of El Paso and random memories and feelings and nothing and everything and nothing again

I hung out with my grandpa a lot, who has been staying here all summer. Yesterday he showed me a picture of my great grandpa who I had never seen before and I was so shocked, he looked like a real Mexican movie star cowboy, I have no idea what John Wayne looks like but he should look like my great grandpa, panfilo vela. Yesterday in particular my grandpa worried about pregnant women because the solar eclipse was happening and they were not wearing safety pins, a latino superstition he said so firmly as a scientific fact that I was really confused and briefly wondering if there was some sort of pregnant women’s medical pin. My dad said ‘that’s part of his charm’’ believing things so intensely, I guess. I think I got some of that from him

I went to San Antonio last week with tia 1 and valerie and Abuelita and my family. Tia 2 is usually the one to go on vacations with us, but she has this new best friend who she is in a two-person cult with, with her BFF/Bestie/Twinsie (yes, she is a 40+ year old woman, who calls her that) being the leader and her being the devout follower, paying for all her tickets to schiltterbaun and the movies and everything she buys while shopping and all her food and yelling at her employees for getting mad at her for something to do with a water bottle I don’t know but it’s definitely throwing off the balance of the universe.

But it was fun, tia 1 is very loud and charismatic and doesnt give any fucks and now I like to say “no mas mis chicharrones truenan aqui” also I am mad I am not more tan

I learned how to make crepes I have made at least 7 successful ones

Okay. so. crying. Here’s a text I sent to the vampire weekend group chat earlier:

(redacted) I really feel like my dad raised me mostly and he just took me out to the fanciest dinner of my life as a “father-daughter dinner” before college and he ran into some friends who were older than him and they were like “ur gonna miss her it’s gonna suck!” And I think my dad almost cried and we talked about heaven in the car and now I’m home and there’s boxes in my room and I’m staring at them and crying

end text

My dad put together those boxes for me with longhorn tape. Burnt orange duct tape with white longhorn shapes on them, literally That’s where my arts and crafts related headassery comes from

I’m going to be staying in a dorm at UT with my own restroom and now I’m thinking do I even really know how to clean a shower NOT REALLY

I’m gonna end up googling it while I’m there

I feel like I don’t actually know how to iron like I’m doing it wrong for sure

The restaurant was called cafe central it’s in downtown El Paso which I think is really truly beautiful even though objectively it’s ugly I’m super emotional and so I think it’s extremely beautiful and it’s just. I feel . It’s just how I feel.

I feel so in touch with the El Paso city it doesn’t even feel real. I feel like all the abandoned buildings are just cardboard cutouts and I have the power to knock them over with my fingertips. the homeless guys there don’t even scare me that much even though they probably should, not even the old lady with the bandaids all over her hands who stole Isaac’s hot dog once

god. That dinner was so fancy and I kept thinking about all these early 2000s chick flicks where a girl eats in a fancy restaurant for one reason or another and I kept thinking about how I love my dad and I kept thinking about how why do we need four different knives and I kept thinking about how that place started in 1918 so it probably wouldn’t have allowed someone who looked like my dad in there for awhile but there I was sitting with my dark brown dad eating food with names and ingredients I have literally never heard of and the chocolate cake melted into itself and chamomile tea is a gift from god

I read a lot of matt Murdock fanfiction today.

How am I 18 years old? I don’t want to… do anything ever… I want to read fan fiction and lay face down on the floor, but not even those two things can be accomplished at the same time.

NOTE: (redacted) means I took something out in case some certain irl people read this, maybe I should’ve taken the thing about tia 2 out but, well, I am somewhat at peace with death

#personal #me18 #writing #mine #diary