#anyways here is my kind of update and also ranting to procrastinate LOL | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

six-of-ravens · 11 months

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also not to keep vaguing about work, but I was starting this rant this morning before I went to get mom and I'm so pissed at my coworker I'm retyping it now lol

Basically, this one dev has a task that my Trusted Fellow Dev/kind-of manager estimates would take roughly 10 days to do. It's a larger task, and there's a hard deadline next week that he cannot miss on pain of death (read: firing), and he was given basically a month, maybe 5 weeks to do it. What has he done?

Week before last: had it on his list but never did it, did other tasks instead despite being told to focus on The Big Task

Last week: put off working on it by dragging a "2 hour" task out for multiple days (he always does this, either under-quotes the amount of time something would take to make people happy, or quotes the right time but procrastinates wildly, either way he has a reputation as being Slow As Fuck now that drives everyone insane)

Got so hysterical even though he had 3 weeks left at this point that I gently told him to ask the bosses for an extension, if only to get some peace. A bad move on my part bc I didn't realize at the time that a) the scope of the task was perfectly doable if he just sat down and did it and b) there is a Hard Deadline that you should Absolutely Not ask to change (he did not convey that in his frantic ranting). so unfortunately I made him look bad to the bosses, even though I thought I was encouraging him to ask for help (which he's always reluctant to do). For once in my life I should've said "suck it up, buttercup." That's the last time I ever try and be nice :/

This week: was given 4 helpers, but lost them due to spending over an hour in a meeting to "show them what to do" going off on unrelated tangents, causing my boss to intervene and yell at him for wasting everyone's time when he couldn't even explain what needs to be done to the boss. (Note: they are still available to him but he has to gather his thoughts and explain things properly and so far he has not taken the initiative to do so. Also this is BASIC SHIT it's like "change the text here to this" "change this colour to that" the helpers just need to be shown what and where.

Attempted multiple times to write scripts to automate the manual work (also tried to drag the programming team into this, they declined to help and said it was faster to do manually. It is absolutely faster to do it manually than to write complex scripts to automate a thing you have to do for one client once)

This brings us to about Wednesday afternoon.

Has gone on multiple hysterical rants about how awful this client is and how they're terrible assholes and we're not charging enough etc etc.

Also, the PM has been asking him to do a small 5 minute task for this project (the client wants it updated first for some reason) for THREE DAYS and he keeps getting distracted and not doing it.

YESTERDAY AFTERNOON, finally admitted what Fellow Trusted Dev has been telling him and I for weeks, "oh, I don't think this is as bad as I thought it was."

SO THAT'S 3.5/5 WEEKS WASTED.

Oh, and he's also not eating or sleeping correctly, because his parents went on an extended vacation out of the country and...christ, why must I work with multiple 30 year old men who still rely on their mommies to cook and clean and fucking...give them bedtimes??? Then they all wonder why they can't get girlfriends. It's not the fucking 50s, jesus christ. you are a dying breed. your ineptitude will ensure you never reproduce!

Anyway, at this point we're torn between genuine concern for his mental health and placing bets on whether he'll get fired next week, and also debating calling in sick and working from home until this project is over because the atmosphere in the office is oppressively Bad.

One of the PMs got smart and sat beside him Wednesday afternoon to watch him make a 15 minute update, which miraculously ensured it got done in time with no distraction. I joked to Trusted Fellow Dev that he and the PM might have to do that in order to get the Big Task done and he very seriously just said "well if that's what we have to do we'll do it." So that's the confidence level with this guy.

#anyway it's been A Week. and this isn't even my task! i just have to hear about it constantly #sorry for the rant im just. very annoyed. might delete later #but like. come on. if you get a big task that's making you panic START IT ASAP AND GET ER DONE!!!! don't rant to me!!!

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lokicat5 · 1 year

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Helloooooo Tumblr!

Wow, does it feel nice to be back! I missed this hellsite a lot more than I thought I did. 😅💖

Apologies for being away for so long, school’s been ✨fun✨ and with my first round of exams, trying to get a 13th year, friend-group drama, and all the other stuff that you deal with at the end of high school, it’s been harder to find the time to spend here. BUT I’ve also been working on a lil something, or, well, a couple lil somethings, that I think you’ll all enjoy 😄

Also, I still have no idea how to do the “long post” page break, so please bear with me 😅 it’s been a while, but I’ll remember my way around in a day or two.

I know that way back when, I promised you guys some of my writing. I really did mean to share it, but I kept getting distracted and honestly, * laughs nervously * /it’s so bad/ 😅 and besides, I’ve got better things for you now anyways!

1. While I was gone, I started doing art (which I have to thank my best friend’s D&D campaign for, for inspiring me to try lol). And surprisingly, it doesn’t look half bad. It’s not the calibre of my friends’ art, it’s not even close, BUT I think it looks neat, and I’ll share some of it with you in a little bit. :D

2. I started writing a ✨novel series✨ that I’m pretty sure you’ll like. Do I have the whole plot in my head (or at least “had” before my latest project moved in)? Absolutely! Could I explain it all to you? 100%! Do I have it written down? Well… I do have basic plot written in one of my friend’s discord servers (because let’s be honest, ranting about it long-distance gets more written out than actually sitting down and /writing/), but I ALSO have a nice 12 page excerpt that I’d be happy to share once I figure out this long post thing 😅

And last but CERTAINLY not least I’ve got my latest brain-hog:

3. My campaign. Now, the friend’s D&D campaign from before is one of several being run in our little D&D group, and we all (will) take turns making and DMing a campaign (whether we’ve finished a campaign (or any campaigns) yet or not). I decided I’d start coming up with mine early on because I’d just get stuck and panic when (not if) I left it to the last minute (because procrastination go brr). Anyways, I used my friend’s campaign (the one I did art for) and my cousin’s crazy awesome campaign as inspiration, because if there’s one thing they’ve both got down, it’s lore. Lots, and LOTS, of lore. Like, almost-200-pages-worth, across-2-documents-and-they’re-going-to-make-it-a-novel kind of lore. The gods from their campaigns gave me the inspiration to be able to write mine, and so far, well, I think it’s going pretty amazingly.

Seriously though I’ve got so much brain rot it’s not even funny. I’m always happy to take questions if you’re interested, but I’ll be making a side blog (my first!!) to go into all the details about Tanavellar (my world :D) and the lore of the place.

I know it’s a lot for my “welcome back, me!” post, but I just want to share it all with you guys, and hope it can be as exciting and cool for you as it is for me! I also know that everyone here gives amazing feedback, so considering I grew a huge amount here (and that this is where I really started to come into my writing abilities), I feel like being able to work on things here with the guidance of much more experienced writers, artists, and DMs will really help me up my game. 😄💖

I want to say thanks to everyone who didn’t wander off while I was on hiatus, whether you meant it or not the loyalty’s appreciated 😅 I really am so excited to be back in this wonderful community though, and I can’t wait to see everything that I’ve missed!

UPDATE:

I’ve got my side blog up and running! If you’re interested and want to come check it out (which you totally should, but don’t worry if you don’t), you can find it all at @godsoftanavellar (please excuse the background stuff, it’ll get better as I finish more art 😅). I’m super excited for this, and I hope you enjoy it! :DDDDDDD

#it’s good to be back #I missed this place #but I really hope you check out my side blog #I’ve wanted to share this for a while #so now that I’m back I finally can!#:d <3

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paint-pilot · 4 years

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shit it’s been a second, guess it’s time to update again

edit: holy christ this is long, i’m gonna readmore it. tl:dr tyler has many badweird feelings but is getting through it. fun body changes, including hair growth and an unexpectedly nice voice. surgery and legal matters are Annoying. tw for menstruation

it is truly bizarre to think that i’ll have been five months on t in a little under two weeks. another month after that and it’s half a year. it’s uhh...weird. quarantine has just made this all feel weird. it’s like i fast-forwarded through this whole journey i was supposed to go on i guess? like i got randomly torn out of my life one day in march with no warning and then just as suddenly got spat out in august with a new life - new name, new face, new major, new identity - and no transitional period whatsoever. my classmates, my professors, my students, they all have only known me as tyler. and only ever will know me as tyler. and that’s great! it’s great, and i’m truly just blown away by how markedly easy it’s been and how weirdly good my timing was in transitioning. but it almost feels like i’m still a ways behind everyone else, i guess. i’ve spent so much of my life hiding, and lying through my teeth, and covering my ass every second of every day to protect myself, and i don’t have to do that anymore but the instinct is 100% still there and that honestly doesn’t feel good. of course i’m not making any of it up - i’m happier now than i’ve ever been, and i know i’m making the right choice - but it still persistently keeps feeling that way.

it’s just difficult, i think, to balance wanting to be read as male (and, to a large extent, wanting to keep my transness hidden both for safety reasons and so people don’t start treating me differently) and finding it difficult to hide this truly massive life change that, like, four people are really seeing anything of. and y’all, i guess, lol. it’s one thing to talk about all this in therapy, but it’s another entirely to just be able to share it with strangers and not worry about it being weird.

i was writing this with the intent of it being a mostly happy update but i guess there is some negativity boiling up so. gotta be honest, i guess? there’s a lot of fun trauma stuff i’ve been going through lately that i won’t get into but it’s culminated with this bullshit in this really fun way where my mom gets upset because i get kind of uncomfortable when she shows me childhood photos or tells stories about me as a little kid and then i just break down for reasons i really can’t discern. i’m going to try and articulate this, and who knows how messy it’s going to get, so i apologize if it gets kind of incoherent from here on out. as far as i can tell the root thing that she really gets upset about is that i’ve “thrown away” my whole previous identity. like, not a direct quote, but “you can’t just pretend [deadname] never existed. because she did, for a long time.” and...sure, i guess. i know this has been hard on my mom. i know she was raised in a conservative family, and while she has worked hard to adopt an accepting and open mindset she still doesn’t 100% grasp all of it and will make mistakes. i’ve made my peace with that. and yet. it’s not so much, really, that i was this other person and then became tyler, y’know? tyler did not appear suddenly two years ago where she once stood. tyler put on a mask, even before he knew he was tyler, because tyler was scared and ashamed but people seemed to like her and, for a time, she was an easy person to be. and i hated her. that is so fucking scary for me to say, and i’m not sure i’ve admitted that until literally right this second, but i did. not because she was a bad person. because she had a voice and a face and a body that i hated. because people saw her and assumed they knew me. because even she had many faces, because there was no real base or identity to her, just traits designed to paint a pretty picture and make people like her. because i knew, when i finally threw her away, people would miss her. compare me to her. expect me to be like her.

so i don’t know. i don’t have a satisfying way to wrap this up, because i honestly don’t know how to face this because i know it is absolutely not just the trans thing that created this situation. i’m kinda warring with myself, because i do kinda want to go back through this blog and delete photos of myself with long hair and whatever (because jesus, i’ve had this thing since i was like 14) but i genuinely don’t know if that’s healthy. i know i’m going back on my bullshit, fretting this way and that over whether something is “healthy” as though that’s an objective term without considering what’s going to make me happy, but honestly? i don’t know anymore. i keep sensing the mental block - the swathes of my childhood that i cannot recall, just vague, constant unease - and i don’t really know if i want to dig into all of that and learn what lies underneath because i’m sort of afraid of it. like i said, i’m happy now, happier than i’ve ever been, and i’d sort of like to just leave it like that. but i guess the length and tone of this post might argue otherwise.

anyways. anyways. enough mental health therapy, more actual hormone therapy updates since that’s what this goddamn thing is supposed to be i think? i’m finally starting to grow some noticeable hairs - my chin hair is coming back after my mom made me shave it before i left for school lol, as are a handful of mustache/lower lip/sideburn hairs. i keep feeling phantom bugs on my legs/feet and i’ve only just now recognized that that’s just leg hairs brushing against places i’m not used to. my appetite has picked up like absolute hell again, too, so i don’t know if i’m just having a metabolic spurt or what. also, i’ve started bruising more? idk what the hell that’s about - i fucking never bruise unless i’ve been hit Hard, and i kind of assumed testosterone would make you less likely to bruise, but then that’s probably just not related to the hormones at all. i was gonna put this in the tags but seeing as this post is already so long i might as well put a readmore and just put this here lol: my period is late, like, four days late, which is exceedingly unusual for me and might mean i’m finally done. or almost done. fingers crossed.

my voice has started to settle, it seems like. i popped out an e2 yesterday, which is Sick, but i’m not as focused on that anymore as i am on the actual quality of my tone. which is...good? i’m not just a baritone, i’m kind of a good one, at least it seems like. i’m really working right now on just getting familiar with my instrument - i’m second-guessing my pitch sensitivity a lot, but i think i really just need to drill and practice until everything starts feeling like second nature again. but since the musical didn’t happen for me, my coach wants to enter me in a classical solo competition next spring. so...no more retirement from competitive singing. i’m back! and thank god, because i’m starting to go crazy without being in musical work lol.

jesus fuck, i have a lot to say. i should probably split this into two posts but i don’t care. i am frustrated; i tried to get an appointment with a pro bono legal program for a name change, but it happened today and i wasn’t invited so apparently i’m on my own. and i’m frustrated. i’m trying to look at internships and shit for next summer, but i kind of can’t apply right now because my legal name and sex don’t line up with my presentation, and i don’t really know how easy it is to get away with that in this day and age and especially in my field. genuinely, if anyone has any advice, i’d appreciate it. i don’t know how long this will take, i don’t know what the requirements are, i don’t know if i’m better off just applying now and hoping they don’t eliminate me before ever getting me an interview. and, of course, i’m working on getting consultations for top surgery, but i keep catching myself procrastinating that. which seems weird, but listen. i’ve said it before but i have to emphasize, i am capital-t Terrified of getting this surgery. i know i need to, i know it will make things better for me, i know now is the time, i know i hate binding and can’t really get away with not doing so, but jesus fuck i am so frightened of anesthesia it’s not even funny. but i guess i’m mostly just calling myself out here and telling myself to quit being a big baby, schedule the thing, and give myself a few months to prepare.

anyway. that’s all i have to say. i’d apologize for ranting, but honestly...i dunno. i know at the start of all this a handful of you requested these updates, and i have to imagine it’s because at least some of you are transitioning, are thinking of doing so, or know someone who is or will be soon. and i just hope someone out there can at least relate, because there honestly just aren’t a lot of comparable life changes out there. or maybe this is just therapeutic for me, that’s fine too.

i have two midterms next week i should be studying for. i should do that.

#t.txt #not horses #the puberty diaries #menstruation mention

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