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spinedog · 5 years

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Why I write Adam the way I do

Okay, this started out as a reply to some awesome feedback on FR&H, and it... sort of got away from me. So, I decided to turn it into a textpost here, because I feel it’s really important and I haven’t really had a chance to put it into words until now.

Putting in a page break so to not clutter up your dashboards: fair warning, the below contains a lot of talk about abusive relationships, and a discussion about portraying abusers.

So, it was mentioned that a lot of fan fictions portray Adam as a one-sided monster. It’s a trend I keep noticing, even in stories that are otherwise really, really well written (though, keep in mind, I don’t read all that much anymore, so there could be some and I just haven’t seen it). Not many writers seem to want to give him any depth other than 'shitty dude'. And I understand why. His character shouldn't be sympathized with, and it's tough to walk a line between 'multi-sided' and 'redeeming someone who should not be redeemed'. Especially with all the Adam stans that started rioting after his death, I think most people either hate him so viscerally that they don't want to spend any time on him, or don't want to look like they're trying to excuse him. Both viewpoints are totally valid, by the way - I don't think anyone should write any character that they don't want to write. And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t adore all the goat man memes that make fun of him.

But I think there's a bit of a danger there that no one really acknowledges. People with abusive tendencies aren't usually one-sided monsters in real life. Sure, genuine sadistic sociopaths types exist, who just hurt for the sake of hurting and really don't care about reasoning, but these people are rare in comparison. Your typical abusive relationship is generally not like this.

An abuser is the person who is mentally ill and starts to lean on you, then continues to lean, with more and more weight, because it's working, it feels good, and don't they deserve to have some support in their life for once? An abuser is the person who genuinely thinks you're the only person who will ever love them, who will ever tolerate them, and they tell you this and tell you that if you were to leave they would end up committing suicide. An abuser is the person who knows they get a rush of power from the feeling of hitting flesh and leaving a bruise, of knowing it's wrong but knowing they can never admit it, so they lie and backpedal to try and explain why it's okay that they have to hit you, because it was your fault anyways. An abuser is a parent who just wants their child to be perfect, can't you just listen to what they've told you, can't you just be a good child for once?

An abuser is a person who never emotionally matured, attaches to another person in an unhealthy way to stabilize themselves, and continues to do so even when they realize what they’re doing, using any kind of tactic or rationalization they can come up with to keep that person they so desperately need close. And I want people to see that. I want people to read a perspective that they understand, that they sympathize with, and know that it does not excuse what he's done. I want them to see it happening at the table across the room. I want them to see it in a stranger's eyes. And, most of all, I want them to see how easy it is to fall into that situation. Abusive relationships are far too common, but toxic relationships are even more common - and that’s often where it starts.

It’s almost happened to me. Twice, actually. Once with a very, very close friend who I truly believed could pull her way through her own mental illnesses, who I thought was making progress, who I thought cared very deeply about me - right up until I realized I was crying myself to sleep every night because no matter how hard I tried, and no matter how closely I followed what she wanted me to do, I had always done something wrong to hurt her (once, I asked her how her day was going, and she responded with five paragraphs about how I was incredibly hurtful for forcing her to remember the shitty day she’d had. I believed her.). Then with a romantic partner who I’d known for years, who I knew had toxic masculinity issues that I thought he knew about, who I thought I could trust - right up until he dragged me across the cab of his car into a kiss that I’d already said ‘no’ to. I left both of those people within days of that realization. I still define them both as more toxic than abusive, and I was certainly no angel in my own right - I did and said a lot of things in what I thought was my own defense that I’ve come to regret. But I’d seen abusive relationships before, through a story about a friend my mother had in school, movies, books - and most importantly, a small and very well-written script about a girl defending her boyfriend’s actions that I read in high school and never, ever forgot. I could read the signs well enough to know what road they were starting to turn onto. I knew that the thought of hurting them would stop me and force me to re-think my actions, but the thought of hurting me wouldn’t be enough to stop either of them. So I left - and was able to leave, due to one deciding that it was her idea to kick me out of her life in the first place, and the other deciding I was too high-strung and sensitive for him. The only reason I’m not still involved with either one is that neither attempted to guilt trip me into staying with them any further - and I’m deeply grateful to both of them for that.

That’s why I put so much effort into writing Adam, and why I’ve now written specifically from his POV twice. I knew I had a grasp on who he was, but it was just an understanding for me, and not a trauma like so many others have. I want people to read a perspective that they understand, that they sympathize with, but know that it does not excuse what he's done. And, most importantly, I wanted readers to come to this conclusion on their own, because I believe that the only way to make someone truly accept something is to make them think that it was their own idea in the first place. It's a daunting task, and I think that's why we don't see it as often as we maybe should. No one wants to stray too far to one side and be accused of sympathizing with an abuser, so they back off and stick to the safer side of the spectrum. Or, the people who truly understand it want nothing more than to just leave it behind them.

But, if you just portray every bad guy as a cartoon monster, you start to forget what real monsters look like. And so does your audience.

I expected to get set on fire by my readers when I posted the first chapter with Adam's perspective, honestly. I'd demonized the hell out of him in the first few chapters, and I didn't like it - I wanted him to be just as real as any of the other characters, and I wanted to show him for what I thought he really was, but I was afraid of the backlash that I thought I would get. But, after a few chapters I decided that I had no real reputation to sacrifice, and I knew that it was either going to sink the fanfic that I had no real stake in, or make it into one that people might actually learn something from.

So, I went for it. I put together motivations and psychology for him, I made him think he had a reason for what he did, and I made a reason for why he needed Blake. I pulled things from my own experience, even some thoughts from my own head during some of my worst moments, stressed over whether or not it was respectful to abuse victims, made tweaks, deleted most of those tweaks anyways, then pressed ‘post’ and hoped. And instead of the hell I was expecting, I got a lot of positive feedback and no accusation at all. People told me that, rather than coming across as redeeming him, I was making him even more frightening by making him more realistic. In fact, every single piece of feedback praised the fact that he actually had motivation and was a character in his own right, but was still despicable. I think I did lose a couple readers - there were a couple that had been leaving a lot of feedback and suddenly disappeared around the same time as that chapter was posted, and I still wonder if it was because of that. But I got a rush of confidence, because I’d actually accomplished what I’d set out to do. I was walking that line, and more importantly, people could actually see what I was doing.

Now, here we are. I don't think I'm doing anything unique, or special. Honestly, I don’t even really think I’m all that good of an author, overall. I'm just doing what I wish more writers would - depict a mentality that they don’t have. Maybe they're scared to, maybe they don't understand, or maybe they just don't have an interest in how these people think. And every single one of those viewpoints are valid. If someone isn’t comfortable with a character, or concept, or relationship, they should not write it. That’s why I’m doing it - I figured that if I understood it, I was interested in it, and I felt brave enough to try, then there was no reason not to give it a shot. Actually, I sort of felt like I had a responsibility to - like I said before, I have experience. But I’m not traumatized, nor are those memories terribly painful for me anymore.

So, I use them. Because I know there are people who can’t share their experiences because it’ll bring up too much pain and suffering. Because I know there are people who think they know a monster when they see one, but think that the person that won’t stop texting them, that convinces them to do things they’re not comfortable with, that makes them feel small, ‘isn’t like that’. Because I know there are people who see the Adam in RWBY canon and genuinely do not understand why everyone hates him so much, or why he was portrayed the way he was.

I write Adam as a dynamic character because I want everyone who reads this FR&H to understand the fact that abusers are real people, not plot devices, or horror stories. People that maybe could have been helped, could have turned their lives around, if someone had seen what they were becoming sooner.

But once habits are set, once they’ve sunk into what they want the world to be, once they’ve built a fragile world around themselves, you cannot help them anymore. All you can do is not be a part of that world.

Thanks for reading, guys. <3

#spinedog speaks #long post #rwby #rwby fanfiction

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hyuncakes · 7 years

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hi i was not sure if i should send this to your main or this but since this blog is more wanna one related tag could your mutuals as points in "if kpop positions were accurate" this is the post = seokjinandtonic. tumblr. com/post/164651220236/if-kpop-positions-were-accurate i have been following both of you on your main and here and i like you to know i am a fan and your graphics inspire me

YOU ARE SOOOOO CUTE OMG THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR LIKING OUR GRAPHICS!! And saying that we inspire you ;___; that’s so so sweet of you I literally screamed. You deserve the worlddddddd!!! This seems fun so let’s get to it!! ^^ Lillian and I are gonna combine our answers lol so if you’re tagged and are like “lool this girl isn’t even following me though???” it’s prob the other person~ :^)

the hyung you thought was a maknae

tbh I thought Ying was my age but it turned out she was 95 line!!! @ Ying I also tagged you for something else below c:

the unofficial visual

@woojiniel and @perkwoojin are so so so pretty?? Idk but these were the first two I thought of!! They have such soft, sweet visuals and I think usually in groups the official visuals are the ones with the “stronger” visuals? But once you get into the group more you start to notice that one member who’s like so so cute that you can’t believe they’re not officially labelled as a visual.

the “not my bias, but is my bias”

Ummm probably @hwangminyeo! She’s like the member of the group that you first notice because of her visuals, and then you’re like semi-interested in that member and half keeping an eye on that member while you settle on a bias. And then once you get into the group more you find out that not only is she a visual but she also has such a cute personality? Like she’s more shy and dorky than you originally anticipated and then you fall for her double charms. (But you still gotta stay loyal to your bias lol)

the workout-aholic who basically lives in the gym and boy does it show

I’m putting Abby @hwangminyeo under here to because idk if she goes to the gym often or not but body goals 😭😭😭😭

the walking, living, breathing meme

@seonnho This is the one image I have of Jennie tbh… just one big meme (a cute one at that)!!! She makes the best textposts on her SVT blog. I love her sense of humor it’s just so…. relatable LOL. Is it because she’s a Seungkwan stan that she’s like this? It’s proven that Boo stans are the memest. I feel like she hasn’t made that many meme-y posts on here (or maybe I missed them :(( in which case I suck) but once she does 👀 Anyway I’ve talked to you like twice but I still love you c’:

I looked at the positions list before looking at Bonnie’s answers and thought Jennie would be perfect for this one and guess what… Bonnie’s already listed her LMAOOO PERFECT - Lillian

the one everyone has called “daddy” at some point

aaah no one I can think of because Daniel isn’t mutuals with us…… LOOOOL OMFG JUST KIDDDDDING (Lillian be like 😷😣🙏) Why did I even answer this one it’s so weird kfldjglkfdjgklfd

😷😣🙏 - Lillian

the ship that’s a hundred percent real and they know it

Is this even a question… @hwangminyeo and @minhwangs are the power couple!!! You always see them professing their love to each other on your dash LOL Romeong and Daliette are feeling threatened.

the short one that everyone is highkey afraid of

@minhwangs Sarah is a cutie but everyone knows that if you mess with her friends she’ll let you have it. She won’t hesitate to lash out at you if you dare insult the things and people she holds dear. So while she isn’t scary, she’s someone you don’t want to mess with once her protective side kicks in! But honestly it’s really sweet how even though she doesn’t let harsh words directed toward her bother her, she stands up for people ;___; She’s selfless that way!

the one that takes every opportunity possible to be extra as hell aka the variety king

@emperorhwangs Rui without a doubt is one of the funniest people here on Tumblr!! I love her sense of humor and even when she says the most random things like “a stick of rat deodorant” I just die laughing. I was contemplating between putting her for “the walking, living breathing meme” but I settled with this one because I associate her with Ong a lot! And we all know he’s the variety king so~ The captions in her gifs are the funniest and most extra ever, even the way she talks is super extra and funny.

the motherly one that takes care of the rest of their members and occasionally reprimands

@2hyeons Ying is more of an older sister type than the mom but she still gives off that caring vibe. She seems like the kind of sibling who barely talks to you because she’s stuck in her room all day doing work but she’ll also be there for you when you need it the most. Lowkey the kind of older sister who will call your cheating significant other over the phone just to scream at them and rat them out for hurting her little sibling loool. She’s more of an older sibling because while she takes care of you, she makes you want to take care of her too and cook her meals and check up on her once in a while to make sure she’s still sane c’:

@luminous-point Reni gives off such motherly vibes without even trying to idk why?? Not only because she’s 95 line! But she’s like your sweet hardworking mother (working hard doing translations 👍👍👍) who you always think of fondly whenever she appears on your dash. She always expresses her true feelings and stands up for what’s right, which is really difficult to do and as a result super admirable. She always has a very mature standpoint about things and avoids unnecessary drama. I feel like the dynamic is that we’re all little ducklings and she’s the mom!! But mom has to take care of herself too!!!

@p-arkwoojin and @minsbugi I put Jem & Kenia in this category because they’d make sure all the members are equally loved!! They both have huge hearts and no matter how many members make up their group(s), they’d take care of each and every one! - Lillian

the 4D member that looks cute in a sexy comeback, and sexy in a cute one

@hahasunqwoons! I think the ‘4D’ title really suits Summer even though she may not seem like it at first. But once she opens up to you, you’ll know what I mean looooool. She’s not 4D in the really wild sense but more of a lowkey kind of 4D (like Vernon!). Also I think she would fit both concepts! But she unintentionally shows reverse charms like in her Never dance cover (if you haven’t watched it yet, go watch it please. you won’t be disappointed), the song is more serious but she gives off a somewhat cute vibe! I think she could rock IOI’s Very Very Very as welllll :^) (future cover idea?)

the member who doesn’t have to worry about gravity bc they basically just flip everywhere

can’t think of anyone? :OOO

the extremely under appreciated one

ummm @kiminguy??? @guanlliver??? @lovebugi??? @wanhyun??? (Mutuals on here and our SVT blogs squad!! LOOL) I love all of them and their graphics to death I will literally make a blog and reblog all of their creations 50 million times like they deserve. Of course they all have such cute personalities dlkgjfdkj but I’ll spare you from my rambling and focus on their beautiful works~ Naomi has such soft, pastel graphics (pastels are one of my fave things in the universe) and she was one of my first favorite graphic makers in the Seventeen fandom back in the day. I followed her first and then when she followed me back I was SOOOO HAPPY OMG BC ONE OF MY FAVES NOTICED ME. Next we have Yasmin and although we haven’t talked much I really adore her graphics because they’re really unique! She uses vibrant colors and dark colors so well (a thing I’d like to learn how to do hehehe) AND also pastel graphics with vibrant coloring… a jack of all trades tbh. Next, there’s Jaymee, who I’ve been mutuals with forever on our SVT blogs but I never really got a chance to talk to until recently! (And she’s the sweetest…my one and only fan….LOOOL). Once again she works with both dark colors and pastel colors very well! Her edits and graphics have a minimalistic approach to them which I admire so so much because I always cram stuff onto a canvas and get bothered when there’s empty space in my graphics. Last but not least there’s IMA!!! My self-proclaimed little sister c’: I’ve known her for most of her time in the Seventeen tumblr community and I love seeing how her works changed over this period of time. But her works always have that special charm and uniqueness that you know right away that it’s her work! No one could imitate her style and pull it off! Inimitable seventeen carat hehe Ima always has a special place in my heart. I love her coloring style, I love her graphics style, I love her. But yea as you can tell I have much love for graphic makers and more especially underrated graphic makers! Graphic makers are a blessing to each and every fandom. Thank you.

also @tokkimingi like we’ve never talked before but Ale’s gifs and edits are soooo high quality and have the prettiest coloring and they deserve so so so so many more notes??? Like the Ren gifset I just reblogged….this is the kind of content that should receive 1k notes okay AAAAAH @ Ale, Lillian and I love your creations so much and you’re basically the go-to blog for NU’EST related gifs and stuff AAAAH 💕💕

I AGREE WITH ALL OF THE ABOVE HOLY MOLY - Lillian

the one that finds pleasure in other members’ demise

I’m sure this goes on a lot when people tag each other in their bias wrecker posts cough when I send Bonnie black-haired Suga pics but I see @minhwangs and @hwangminyeo tagging each other in Daniel stuff sometimes and it’s so funny loool. I know you guys are Minhyun-biased but Daniel!!!!! - Lillian

#asks #anonymous #ahhh it was hard for me (lillian) to classify some mutuals from this blog #since i haven't spoken to/interacted with most of them #but please know i love you ;___;#b:answered #l:answered

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