#anyway! this is why im never vulnerable i always get fucked up and it's!!!!!!!! excruciating

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half my friends think i got a Good Night and the other half DID get a Good Night and all i got was a weird subdrop slide into an Abandonment linked mental breakdown

#this'll be awkward #I'm having too many thoughts and they're all sucky #anyway! this is why im never vulnerable i always get fucked up and it's!!!!!!!! excruciating #sub drop #me also not being able to ask for anything #surely my needs will be met this way /s #bpd #or whatever #attachment #abandonment trauma

[whumpsideblog]

Previous Parts

 @im-not-rare-im-rarr @constellationwhump​ @justwhumpitwhumpitgood​ @maybeawhumpblog​ @lumpofwhump​ @whumpity--whump--whump​ @inky-whump​ @castielamigos-whump-side-blog​ @ihaventwritteninsolong​

 ***

 He didn’t know what was going on, as the vampire sat him up, gently coaxing him to open his mouth. He could hardly think, just follow what he was told. When he brought his wrist to his mouth, urging him to drink from a deep gash, he couldn’t recoil in disgust, he simply did as he was told, too weak to even realize what he was doing. 

 Alastair’s blood didn’t have that metallic taste that Silas knew too well from constantly biting his tongue and biting his lip. It was like drinking something rotten, it was disgusting and he was surprised he didn’t throw up immediately. In fact, he was surprised that he felt better. His vision was clearing again, he could sit up on his own, he could actually think.

 He could realize that he was drinking a vampire’s blood. 

 He jerked away quickly, but deep down he knew it was too late. He could feel it spreading through him, a horrible burning pain that started in his stomach and spread to the rest of his body.

 “Now calm down love, there’s nothing you can do to stop this.” Alastair said when he saw the panic on his face. Silas quickly scrambled out of the bed, trying to put some distance between them, but as soon as he tried to stand he collapsed to his knees, clutching his stomach. 

 “M-make it stop, please!” He cried, breathing frantically. The pain was unbearable, he felt like someone had stabbed a knife into his heart and twisted it. 

 “But darling, didn’t you ask me to save you? This is what you wanted right?”

 “I didn’t know! I didn’t think you would do this!” He screwed his eyes shut, praying the pain would pass.

 “Oh, how else would I be able to do it?” He’d gotten out of bed, kneeling beside Silas. “Just calm down and don’t fight it, it’ll only make it hurt more and you’ll never succeed.” He pulled him into his arms, and Silas collapsed against him. 

 “No no no no… this can’t be happening, please, I- I can’t-“

 “Shhh, it’s okay.” He ran a hand through his hair, trying to comfort him. It wasn’t working. “Once it passes you’ll feel so much better.”

 He had no choice but to ride it out. He tried to get away from the vampire but as always Alastair was stronger than he was. His head was pounding, that moment of regained strength and clarity had long since passed. 

 “I don’t… I don’t want this…” He groaned. “This isn’t real- this is a nightmare, right? This isn’t happening, it can’t be happening…” He didn’t try to hold back his tears, he wished he’d just let himself die. This really was the worst possible scenario to him, and the pain was excruciating. He sobbed openly, hand clutching Alastair’s shirt, he didn’t care, it didn’t even matter anymore. He might as well have been dead, hell, technically he was, or, undead anyway. He didn’t care enough to think too hard about it. 

 Slowly but surely, the pain did pass. He no longer felt the need to vomit, the pain that gripped his heart slowly faded away. The pain was replaced by exhaustion, he could hardly keep his eyes open and barely move on his own. At least he was mostly aware this time.

 “Come on love, I’m sure you’re tired now.” Alastair slowly helped him up, helped him back into bed. “You’ll feel better when you wake up.” He smoothed his hair back, kissing his forehead before going to get into bed as well. 

 “I don’t think I want to wake up…” He murmured, covering his eyes with his arm. He never in his life thought he would wish for death, but it certainly sounded kinder than this.

 ***

  The first thing he realized when he woke up that evening was how hungry he was. He was still tired, but Alastair was already up and getting dressed and he knew he’d be forced out of bed sooner or later. He sighed as he sat up, running a hand through his hair. He’d had the worst nightmare, being almost killed, forced to become a vampire. It may have been a normal fear of his but he didn’t typically have dreams about it. 

 “How are you feeling, love?” Alastair asked, coming over and helping him out of bed.

 “Tired…” He murmured. He pulled away from him, he hated having to be helped to get dressed when he knew he was perfectly capable of it himself. “Hungry I guess.” He shrugged. He took his time getting dressed, before going to tie his messy hair back. He never really did feel like brushing it.

 “Come here, you look like a mess.” Alastair waved him over, having him sit down in front of a vanity table. As soon as he caught sight of his reflection, he screamed. “Oh calm down, I haven’t even touched you yet.” Alastair rolled his eyes, while Silas jumped to his feet.

 “No- no, that was a dream, it wasn’t real!” He was breathing heavily, already going into a full panic. 

 “What? Last night? I have a scar on my wrist that says otherwise.” He laughed. “Now come here, sit down.” He gently grabbed his arm but Silas jerked away from him.

 “Don’t fucking touch me!” He shouted. “Stay away from me!” He felt like he was going to throw up, it was supposed to just be a dream, a horrible nightmare. He couldn’t be a vampire, he just couldn’t. 

 “Silas,” He said gently, though he grabbed his arm more roughly this time, “Come sit down, you’re getting worked up. Remember, you asked me to do it.”

 “I- I didn’t… I didn’t know…” He allowed himself to be pulled back, forced to sit down. He stared at his reflection with wide eyes. He hated to see himself start to cry, but not as much as he hated the sight of bright red eyes and sharpened fangs. This wasn’t something he could hide, it wasn’t something he could forget about and certainly wasn’t something he could undo. Unless he could work up the courage to kill himself, he was going to have to live like this forever. 

 He furiously rubbed at his eyes with the back of his hand, while Alastair pulled the brush through his hair. He knew he’d have to face Dahlia, he’d have to tell her what happened. It would be impossible to hide this from anyone.

 “Why are you crying, love? If anything, this is an improvement.” He braided his hair back, while Silas had a hard time responding through his tears. “You’re stronger now, you’re immortal, doesn’t everyone long for immortality?” Silas shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut so he wouldn’t have to look at himself. “Oh, and the best part of course,” The vampire set the brush aside, draping his arms around Silas’ shoulders and pulling him close, “You have no reason to ever try to leave me.”

 ***

  Typically if Alastair brought Silas to see her, it was because one of them did something wrong. She was confused when she was woken up though, Alastair dragging her out of the cage. She saw Silas on the other side of the room, but he quickly looked away, almost hiding his face from her. She had the feeling something was horribly wrong. Alastair left them alone, which was odd, but she hopped that maybe things would be okay. He stopped to say something to Silas she couldn’t hear, before leaving the room.

  “Silas…?” She yawned, slowly getting to her feet. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?” She didn’t have to see his face to know something was wrong, she always knew. 

 “I… I made a mistake…” He started. “I, I tried to kill him last night, and I failed, and it… it’s bad…”

 “What? You look okay… Silas, look at me. What did he do?” She asked. 

 “I… I don’t want to tell you.” His voice cracked. She approached him slowly, cautiously. She had an awful feeling about this. 

  “Silas…” She said softly. “I’m going to touch you now, okay?” She raised her hand, resting it on his arm. “Look at me, please?” He hesitated a moment, before finally, reluctantly looking at her. She expected a lot, maybe a bloody wound, a missing eye, a horrible gash, something like that. What she didn’t expect though was ruby red eyes in place of bright blue ones.

 She didn’t mean to, but she couldn’t hide her reaction, gasping and taking a step back from him. He turned his head away again, but she’d already seen his eyes, seen fangs, all the evidence needed to know what happened.

 “I- I didn’t want this to happen, he almost killed me, and I, I was scared, I couldn’t think, when he o-offered to save me I just said yes b-because I couldn’t think, I just didn’t want to die-” He was rambling, he was going to start panicking if she didn’t calm him down. Despite her own rising panic, she forced herself to stay calm, for his sake. She’d have time to freak out later. 

  “Hey, hey, i-it’s okay…” She said softly. “Here, come sit down, okay?” She led him over to a couch in the sitting area of the large room, having him sit down and sitting down next to him. She kept a hand over his, looking up at him. “Tell me what happened, please?”

  “I… I tried to kill him… but he woke up, and he bit me hard, he’d never done it like this before… and I was dying, I know for a fact that I was going to die and when he offered to save me I just said yes because I was so scared of dying I didn’t even think about what he would do…” He wouldn’t look at her as he spoke, his voice shaking. Her heart hurt watching him, more vulnerable than ever. “I-I’m sorry… I didn’t want this to happen…”

 “Silas… please, don’t apologize… you didn’t mean for this to happen, I should’ve been there to help you, I shouldn’t have asked you to do it alone.” She squeezed his hand. “I promised we’d finish this together, I should’ve been with you. I’m sorry…” 

 “H-huh?” He looked at her, almost looking surprised. “No, no Dahlia, this isn’t your fault, please don’t blame yourself.” He insisted. She shook her head, blinking away tears.

 “I just… I can’t believe this happened to you… I wish I could’ve stopped it…” She quickly wiped at her eyes. “You’ll be okay, I know it, but… I’m sorry… I’m sorry he did this to you…”

 “I… I don’t think I’ll be okay.” He sighed. “I mean… I’m a fucking vampire now. I can’t, I can’t change this, I can’t fix this, if I want it to go away then I’ll have to kill myself and I just… I can’t, I don’t want to die!” He was beginning to panic again, running his hands through his hair anxiously. “How could I possibly be okay after this?!”

 “Well… you’re you. You’re very strong, Silas, you’ve always been okay, and I don’t think this will end you.” She assured him. “And… I’m here with you. I’ll always be with you, not matter what he did, no matter what you are, you’re still the same to me.” She tried to smile at him, holding her arms open for a hug. “Come here, please?” He started to lean in without hesitation, but suddenly stopped, pulling away.

 “It’s… not a good idea…” He frowned, moving away from her.

 “What? Why not?” She frowned, reaching for his hand again. He just pulled away though. 

 “I’m… hungry. I’m really, really hungry, that’s why he brought me in here, and I can’t do that to you…” He moved away from her slightly. “I can’t be like that, I can’t be like them, I don’t want to be…” She hesitated for a moment, she certainly didn’t want to have to do this, but if it was what Silas needed then she was willing to go through with it.

  “Silas… I know you won’t hurt me. If you don’t want to hurt anyone else, then you should do this now, before it gets worse…” She offered her wrist to him, watching him expectantly. “It’s okay, really.” She insisted. He looked to her wrist, only hesitating a moment before suddenly grabbing her arm, sinking his fangs into her wrist. She winced, biting down on her lip so as not to make too much noise. She didn’t want him to feel worse for this. 

 He seemed to relax as he did this, which made her feel better at least. It had been a long time since anyone had done this to her, in fact she’d hoped it would never happen again. She cared about Silas though, a lot, and if things got worse then he’d actually hurt someone, and neither of them wanted that. She knew one thing for sure though, as she watched the once human man she’d known for so long feed off her. She was going to make Alastair pay for what he’d done.

#whump #my writing #my oc's #Silas #Alastair #Dahlia #lots of emotional angst #forced transformation #kind of #painful transformation #guilt #vampire feeding