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raayllum · 1 year

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intention vs reception, and breaking the cycle

I think one of the best ways TDP talks about family / cultural dynamics is how things can be taken in ways differently than they were meant to, particularly when it comes to parents and children. Dynamics and interpretations are a two way street, and your reasoning for something may not be something someone else can see, and they’ll make up another reasoning for it on their own end.

We see this pretty specifically with Harrow and Callum.

Harrow puts up a distance because he 1) wants to honour Callum’s possible relationship with his deceased biological father and 2) likely feels guilty over Sarai, and Callum growing up in the shadow of that grief.

H: Over the years, there have been moments where I let there be a distance between us. Because I’m your stepfather, I was trying to give you the space I thought you needed to love your real father, even though he passed away. Now I wonder if I should have held you closer. I wonder if showing you how much I loved you would have been okay, and would not have disrespected your relationship with him. Callum, I know I’m not your birth father, but in my eyes and in my heart, you are my son. I see myself in you. I’m proud of you. And I love you unconditionally.

So we know Harrow had nothing but good intentions, but those moments of distance - of Harrow trying to give Callum more thoughtfulness, not less - led to Callum being insecure and distant over his spot in the family, doubtful that Harrow truly thought of him as his son, exacerbated by Harrow’s royal status that Callum was married into through his mother. This was never Harrow’s intention, but Callum responded to how he was being treated and then conjured up his own reasonings that made sense to him to explain it.

E: Callum, why don’t you just call him Dad? C: Because he’s the king. And I’m his stepson. E: I think he would want you to. If you wanted to.

Their full understanding of each other comes too late, but it’s no less meaningful for Callum. Even if discussing and getting there wasn’t easy.

We see Ezran struggle with this too, of what to take from his father (“I just wish Dad was here - he’d know what to do, y’know?”) as well as what to leave behind (“I don’t want to be that kind of king”). Rayla has a similarly complex relationship with her parents. Is feeling abandoned how Lain and Tiadrin meant to make her feel in Bloodmoon Huntress? Of course not. Was the other side of that when Rayla makes her peace with it supposed to give her this highly dangerous risk taking personality where she’ll go off alone in misguided attempts to protect people? Of course not.

The same way that no matter how angry, Runaan never would’ve wanted her to be Ghosted (he tried multiple times to send her home). He took her off the mission to protect her, not because she was ‘weak.’ The same way that Runaan was the best of his village / culture - a brave and selfless man who wanted to protect his people - and yet could also be cruel and unyielding in the face of innocence that didn’t fit with his preconceived notions. Even the whole “do not show fear” was likely meant to be far more akin to “don’t let fear control you” but as always, cultures are made up of people, and people are flawed and varied in their interpretations, and how they manifest them:

“It’s okay to miss them,” she said gently.

“But it doesn’t do anything.”

“Feelings aren’t about productivity or results,” she said. Maybe a little ironically considering she was a Moonshadow elf, he thought at first, or maybe exactly why, when she finished. “They’re just our responses. Our reactions. We can only control them so much. And Garlaff knows they aren’t always rational, even if they’re what we feel.”

“I thought Moonshadow elves were against letting your emotions rule you.”

“We are,” she said. “Because it’s about controlling how you respond in the wake of your emotions, but we cannot make ourselves totally unfeeling. No matter how much we may wish we could, sometimes.” She smiled sadly. “But we do sometimes work too hard to control how we respond, to the point of shutting them down. Some of us are better at that than others.”

“You don’t have to tell me that,” he said, his lips twitching upwards. “I’m engaged to Rayla.”

“Which is why if you can’t control it—if you miss someone, in spite of everything—maybe it’s okay. I’ve seen your fear and aspects of your grief rule you, Callum. I’ve never seen you treat anyone worse for it.”

“Yeah, well...” He turned back towards the window. He thought of losing his temper with Ezran at Katolis, or the Caldera; Rayla at the Nexus after Claudia (a grimace tugged at his mouth) told him about Harrow. “I’m a lot better at that than I was when I was a kid.”

—Chapter 11 of “If Time Is Money,” published March 2020

We see this play out with Lissa and her children in particular, even more than with Viren perhaps. Lissa didn’t mean to give Claudia the trauma she did. She was doing her best to do the right thing by giving her children agency alongside Viren, and then trying to help them stay together. But that doesn’t mean there wasn’t massive harm done anyway.

And it’s these gaps in interpretation and intention versus consequence that make these dynamics real and viable and well, emotionally poignant. We can do massive harm to one another, even when it’s the opposite of our intentions (Viren and Harrow are a fantastic, mutual example of this, and so is Callum and Rayla’s post-TTM fallout).

Because, especially as these child characters grow older, eventually what we do with those interpretations fully become our own actions. None of them have had to go down the roads they have. Yes, our childhood experiences and the choices our parents make effect us, but we also 100% have the power to make different decisions and grow beyond those interpretations. That’s what Breaking the Cycle is all about. But...

E: Because people are still hurting and they are still angry. We can’t ignore that, or pretend it will go away.

And I also think this commonality of difference between intention vs reception, shall we say, is also why Harrow’s advice in regards to how to break the cycle and free yourself from the past emphasizes understanding and imagination.

H: Reject the chains of history. Do not let the past define your future, as I did. Free yourself from the past. Learn from it, understand it, then let it go. Create a brighter future from your own hearts and imaginations.

Over and over, we see characters (mostly antagonists and villains, but not always) insist that things have to go a certain way. We have to do this. I have to do that. This is the way things have always been. We must prevent a terrible future born from apparent weakness.

History - of our families, of our lives, of ourselves, of our communities - demand certain things, and we can be chained down by those things so easily out of obligation, or fear, or guilt, or trying to find some way to feel loved or important. But, in reality

You just have to be willing to imagine something new, that the cycle can be broken, that you can be something else than what you were. You just have to try - and it is never too late to start trying.

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