#and then 3 tracks in im like fuck. jesus. anyone remember 2017?

[darcyolsson]

listening to alice's solitaire playlist and remembering being 15 and so sad. that book will forever be so connected to who i was at that age, not just the story but also the community i found after reading it which sometimes felt like the only people who Got Me. my teenage years were honestly a miserable time but i think looking back the recognition and the friends i found through that book were genuinely one of the main things that made it almost bearable wahh i am so grateful for that silly little book. and i wish i could hug teenage me :(

#every time i go back and listen to this playlist im like noooo i wont be overrun by feelings of nostalgia and bittersweet melancholia..... #and then 3 tracks in im like fuck. jesus. anyone remember 2017? #getting home just to send alice 3 hyper specific asks and then move over to discord to talk about the most random stupid shit #with the ppl i met because they were the only existing fans of her works back then. terrible wonderful time i loved u people like a family #still do in a way we share a warrior's bond <3 #personal

[22andconfusedaf-blog]

April 10th, 2017

22 years old, currently in year 2/3 of PA school. my life is a fucking disaster (insanely dramatic)

school

school is going pretty decently actually. i got a 99 on my pediatrics end of rotation. i am definitely not studying hard enough for this IM exam in 3 weeks but i think itll be fine, i just need more pressure. I love my current rotation  IM at st francis, all the doctors are super supportive, they dont make me feel dumb. but i feel dumb. part of me feels like i am not understanding everything about whats going on with treating these patients. like i am missing the bigger picture. i feel unintelligent. i feel like i cant remember anything that i learn. that information just flies out of my head. like i am not smart enough to take care of another persons life. and idk what specialty i wanna go into. i find cardiology so interesting but i do not think that i am smart enough to go into cardiology that is a very life and death specality and i feel like all the cardiologits i know are geniuses and iam not htat. and ic ould never go into inpatient IM because there is ust no way i could ever retain that much infrmation. and i am horrible at time management. i waste too much time sitting on my fucking phone. i feel like a waste . i feel so undeserving of my future title.

love life

literally a fucking disaster i cant even right now. how me and omar broke up 9 months ago and i still cannot get over him. like a big part of me knows that we probably werent right for each other and that i should be with someone who actually wants me and doesnt see my religion as some kind of flaw that will ruin our future, but i havent found anyone since we broke up that makes me feel any kind of emtioat all. i keep saying this to priya: i am fucking numb. i dont feel anything.i i go on dates with guys like jeff and sonu and vik and jigar and its like nothing. i feel like i am playing the role of some super cool super chill girl who is so casual and emotionally strong, but i actually just think thati am so hurt by omar that i cannot let myself let anyone in anymore. And how can he start dating saba? Like she is the fucking worst yesterday at anerees brunch everyone was talking shit about her and stuff and its like omar how can you go from me to her? She is horrible. And it hurts me so much to think that someone like her can get the guy that I want, that I love. I just love and miss him so so much it is not fair. Heartbreak is not easy. I thought I knew about heartbreak when I was 16 but this is so different. I feel so empty now. I just keep hooking up with guys in hopes that I will feel something but I don’t feel anything. And I am ashamed of myself for being so slutty. Like not just slutty but putting myself in these situations with guys and going on 1 date with them and then going back to their place like that is actually very dangerous and I need to stop doing it. I am a respectable girl and I need to treat myself with more respect.

Idk what to do about falling in love. I want to obviously but I don’t think im ready right now. But I just think I become so much shittier as a person when I am single. I don’t wanna go out of my way to meet someone but I think that it would do me good to have someone in my life who can stabilize me. But also part of me doesn’t know how the next year of my life is gonna go, whats the point of getting into a relationship if im gonna have to move or something? Idk….

Drinking

Im not sure how I feel about drinking anymore. I make terrible decisions, I lose track of time, I worry mom and dad so much, I lie about where I am and spend money and I just feel like such a shit person when I get too drunk. Plus mom and dad literally think im like an alcoholic so it just hurts me even more to think how much I am disappointing them. I feel like going out has become too high of a priority in my life and even tho it sucks I need to realize that I live at home now and the decisions I made directly impact mom and dad and hurt them. Its probably not worth it everytime. And also I have drank and drove like 2-3 times in the past few months and I need to fucking stop like what am I doing. Ever since omar broke up with me, I feel like I am a fucking loser. Im gonna do something really dumb one day and I need to stop this shit. I think I should stop drinking for a few months.

Heart condition

I feel bad about this. I am aware that it is exacerbated by drinking, so I need to just stop drinking. When I have palpitations I feel terrible. I hope I actually have a condition that way it can be a problem that goes away and its not something that I have to deal with. and i just wanna exercise without fear of cardiac arrest. 

Family

I am so frustrated with how living at home is going. On one hand I can see where they are coming from sometimes with me going out a lot. But they make me feel so guilty about it. Like its something wrong that I am doing. That it is completely unreasonable that I have a social life at all. But on that note I need to start coming home at normal times. They just make me feel so guilty and like a horrible person, it really affects my self esteem. They don’t understand me at all. All of my good qualities and things in my life I feel like they don’t care about at all, they just focus on the negative. And they are so anxious about everything that I feel like it is my sole responsibility to not do anything to hurt them but it is not fair. They do not know how to be parents. I feel like they have emotionally fucked me over and I need years of therapy to fix it. and i need to stop lying as much. i feel so so so so so sooooooo shitty. ugh. 

I FEEL SO SHITTY JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.