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vtmusicomp · 5 years

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That Day

I’ve been doing mostly upbeat posts about our time together chronologically up to this point, but since this is glioblastoma day (at least the senate says so!) I wanted to go out of order and share what happened on that fateful day. It really all started in December of 2016. Grant had the flu. It was also around this time he told me he was having slight memory issues; specifically, that he would see people at work who weren’t a regular part of his team and he couldn’t remember their names. I admit to thinking nothing of this – he was turning 45 in January, and I teased him that he was having problems remembering things because of his advanced age. Sometimes I have trouble remembering things I could easily have recalled in my 20s, and I thought it was the same. Here’s a picture of us at BART in San Bruno from that time, on our way to see Primus at the Fox Theatre in Oakland, CA - NYE 2016.

A few days into the new year, he started feeling bad again. He went to urgent care and they told him he was probably just having lingering flu symptoms. He took a couple extra days off work to rest and seemed to get better. I had scheduled time off on 1/19/17 and 1/20/17 to get an outpatient procedure done for my sinuses, so I was recuperating through the weekend and feeling mildly sorry for myself. Saturday 1/21/17 we went to IKEA because I was restless and we were still trying to add a couple small pieces for our condo we’d just bought in May. We went across the street for mid-day ablutions/a snack; I was talking to him about something inane, and he told me to hold on a minute. Then we just sat there in silence…after maybe couple minutes I asked him what was wrong, and he said he didn’t know. The way he described it was he got confused and needed a moment, but then he was himself again. It was such a short blip in the day that I didn’t think too much of it.

Sunday 1/22/17 we went to the mall in Woodland Hills to get birthday gifts for Naomi. While I was purchasing something, Grant went to get coffee from a kiosk. When I was done, I found him waiting for his drink. He told me he had a hard time ordering his coffee, that it took longer than it should and he had gotten confused. There was a lot of noise and activity in that section of the mall – there were children running around and parents yelling, also a couple dogs, in addition to the noise of the coffee kiosk itself – so I could see why that might have been distracting. Again, I didn’t pick up on anything out of the ordinary. We went home and relaxed for a couple hours, but I wanted to try this gastropub in Sherman Oaks we read about online. This picture is from his 45th birthday, on 1/8/17 at Chris and Anne’s house.

Dinner time rolled around and I decided to drive because I chose the place. Usually, he liked to drive us to dinner but we reversed roles that night – and it’s provident we did. I was turning to get on the freeway, and talking to him, when he again told me to hold on a minute. That minute stretched out into the entire length of the drive. At first, I thought maybe he was tired - he had been battling that flu and also had mentioned to me at some point over the weekend that his stomach hurt. I changed my mind and told him since he wasn’t feeling well, we shouldn’t be going out to some random bar we’d never been to before. I couldn’t think of anywhere else to go, but we were coming up on the exit to Van Nuys Blvd, so I got off and headed towards the Mendocino Farms next to Guitar Center in Sherman Oaks.

At this point, Grant had said nothing to me for a while, and I started asking him questions. I wanted to know what his stomach felt like – did he feel like he was going to throw up, was it a dull pain, was it localized in some area? I was thinking maybe he needed to get his appendix taken out or something. He would only grunt at me, which got me thinking maybe he was annoyed with me for asking him so many questions, so I shut up. I confess to being a little annoyed myself that he wasn’t communicating with me (I wish I could take that feeling back). Mendocino Farms is part of a larger structure with a parking garage and a couple different restaurants. I parked and asked him again if everything was ok. He got so frustrated he started talking to me, only what he was saying didn’t make any sense. He was using vowels and consonants but it was all gibberish.

Initially, I couldn’t figure out what was going on, because what was coming out of his mouth sounded so close to actual words, I thought my hearing was the problem. I didn’t always take good care of my ears in the early years of playing in a band; maybe I was losing my hearing. I told him I didn’t know what he was trying to say and asked him to repeat it. I asked if he was talking about the restaurant but he couldn’t tell me. He tried to get out of the car anyway, with the intention of going in to order something, but I stopped him.

I want to describe what this felt like but I’m not sure I have the right words. I got a chill that went right through my body. My head felt just a little faint and I couldn’t quite focus. I wondered if he was having a stroke, but his face didn’t look like it was drooping and he was able to operate all his limbs just fine. We sat there for only a few seconds more and I told him I thought maybe we should go to urgent care. I took Woodman to the Kaiser in Panorama City; it was dark out, raining and cold. The whole drive, he kept talking gibberish to me; and I kept telling him I didn’t understand him but that was ok. Every now and then he’d pepper an actual word in there, which made me think he was making sense and it was just me who couldn’t understand. So, I’d apologize and ask him to repeat himself, he’d respond, I would say I didn’t get it, and so on. It was a loop that went around and around.

When we got there, we went to urgent care first – my default. He had progressed to being able to put some words together – we were at half words, half gibberish. Of course, the intake desk at urgent care told us we should go to the emergency room. The ER is across a driveway in a separate building, so we walked over there in the rain under my umbrella. Someone was waiting to take us back – the urgent care folks had called ahead. Then it was this whirl of activity – four nurses and a doctor getting his vital signs, drawing blood, asking him questions he couldn’t answer because he still couldn’t quite talk. They took him for a CT scan about five minutes after we arrived, and then he was back in his ER bay ten minutes later. The whole time, a lady was screaming in the next room, and hilariously, I felt like I was in a horror film. I mean, turns out we both were, we just didn’t know it yet.

At first, they wouldn’t tell us what was wrong. Panorama City Kaiser doesn’t have neurology, so we did a video conference with the neurologist at the Sunset Kaiser – this was Dr. Guzman, and he would eventually become Grant’s neuro-oncologist. He asked Grant to identify pictures on a laminated sheet. Grant was able to get some of them right, but he couldn’t tell the doc what a cactus was, or a feather, or a chair. By this time, Grant was able to talk again, albeit not confidently, but he could at least form sentences and tell me things. I sent a text to Grant’s sister Kim, telling her what was going on and asking her to help me relay this to his parents, Larry and Connie. Shortly after that I was in touch with Connie, messaging her the little I knew about what was happening. She told us they were coming out first thing the next day and requested we keep them updated in the interim, no matter how late.

After the neuro guy was done, the ER nurses told Grant he was being transferred to the Sunset Kaiser. I was so confused by this point, and also so hungry, that I wanted to know if they’d let me pull up to the ER door so Grant wouldn’t have to walk back to the parking lot. No, Val, they’re transporting him by ambulance (duh). I wanted to ride with him, but I also didn’t want to leave the car behind in case we needed something, so I ended up following them on the freeway. The guy drove 55 the whole way – I’m sure the people behind us were thrilled! I could see the paramedics talking to Grant in the back of the ambulance. Later I learned this is when Grant learned there was a mass on the CT scan and that’s why he was being admitted.

When we got to Sunset, I figured it was going to take a bit before they got Grant settled; my phone was dying and my stomach was grumbling so I went to the Rite Aid on the corner of Hollywood and Vermont. I am never going to that Rite Aid again because I don’t want those memories. I bought the cheapest phone charger I could find and bag of Chex Mix, then I went to the hospital. Kim texted she was on her way and asked if we needed anything, but I wasn’t sure what to say. I found Grant in the ICU on the 6th floor just by the elevator. He was talking and laughing with the nurse. At this point he’d gotten most of his words back and was able to tell me what the paramedic told him. Even though I know he was worried about what they’d found on the scan, he was also feeling better because he was able to communicate again. He asked me to call Alicia and let her know what was happening – it was 11pm by then and I had to leave a voicemail. That’s probably the worst voicemail I’ve ever left a person. One last picture, this one of the first evening we went out after his surgery, wearing a hat Carrie knitted for him.

The week that followed was insanity – but I’m going to stop here for now. I hope this isn’t too much information; I know we told some of this story to different people in fits and starts, and I’m happy to be able to share it fully. He didn’t really want people to know much of what happened when it was happening, but he was so brave it’s almost not fair to NOT share it. He did so incredibly well; his will to keep going stayed strong despite all the challenges, and it remains inspirational to me. A better role model could not exist for this horrid disease. Thank you for reading.

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scummy-writes · 7 years

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Heyo, I didn’t want to spam with replies to all of these so here it is in one post!

You guys are such big sweethearts and your kind words are very appreciated!!!

So, a run down because I don’t want anyone panicking more than I do- My mom should be fine! This is nothing like her last hospital trip, so don’t think this is something related to that! The surgery is common, it was an emergency one since her appendix was about to burst! It scared us, but it mainly scared us because she was trying to not go tot he er and suck up the pain. (She is very stubborn). Our main worry is bills and if her blood thinners are going to cause any issues, but she should be out tomorrow!

I freaked last night because she’s going to be out of work for a while, and, well...Bills. She doesn’t have anyone to support her money-wise, and I’m going to need to be taking care of her for possibly up to a month! We have to see how the healing process is! The doctors...Haven’t explained much at all to us >>;;;; And I’m not the smartest when it comes to surgeries. The doc just told us she might have to be out of work for up to four weeks, and that she would need a lot of help.

Appendix issues are common, so it sounded scary in the post but probably sounds tame now. It was just nervewrecking because they were all “It can burst any minute and that would be so horrible and a big infection could happen!” But she didn’t get to have surgery until h o u r s later. I was anxious the whole time, and the morphine wasn’t helping her pain.

So, I’m gonna have to move in again for the time being. It’s going to be a bit rough, because she still has some of her negative tendencies, and she was showing that at the hospital (though she was in pain so ofc she might be harsh ajnfsh).

Not quite sure what this means for the blog since I’m still very much in the dark, and with how she takes a lot of medicines that could impact the healing. I’m having to be out of work for a few days...At such a busy time...So that scares me for future money issues, haha. I mean I’m gonna write when I can, but it might just be....a request a week...or something. God that is so depressing typing out.

I’m sorry if I scared you guys, last night was really harsh. After staying up super late, I accidentally....Dented my grandparents car, and it was really guilt inducing. My grandparents were fine, very very very forgiving, and the truck got such a mini barely-even-there scratch that the owner just kinda chuckled when I found them.

My grandparents car though.... Left blinker is just FUBAR. They haven’t had any accidents in forty fucking years so they’re saying insurance should be okay. I just. g u i l t. They’ve agreed to let me pay for any repairs insurance doesn’t cover!

But yeah, last night I was just really stressed and shaken up, especially since I couldn’t drive any mroe that night obviously, and was trying to figure out Future Plans. But friends have already been offering advice for meal plans and such so I can stretch out any money I have! I’m taking care of myself the best I can! Treated me and the bro to coffee since he was a little wigged out as well, and we listened to good music in the car!

Thank you everyone! I love you and your messages really helped through out the day!!! Sorry for any worry, your pal Scummy is just a bit shaken up!

#scum talks #I worried a few people because I went really quiet and they didnt know what happened #jdhf I love you guys!#I know appendix bursting and etc is very common so it seems stupid to worry and be a little scared #its just money and the fact she needed blood and there was a very big worry about her blood thinners #and the car thing really freaked me out too #because repairs may be expensive but I talked it out and it shouldnt be too bad #just hoping me and mom still have jobs after this weekend h a a a h a a a

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janesnotes · 7 years

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Crashed Hard

Jane: +It had been a rough 72 hours. She had a triple bypass, a gallbladder, a ruptured appendix and a motorcycle victim. To say she was tired was like saying the sky was blue. Or was it black now? She was running on two hours sleep and a whole hell of a lot caffeine. She didn't remember being this tired since med school. Waving to the nurses on the surgical ward she hit the down button and waited for the elevator. At least she had the next three days off. The ding of the elevator startled her out of her daze and the next thing she knew she was in her car. She rolled the windows down, blasted the music and put the car in drive. All she thought about was getting home and going to bed.+ @ArcaneHedonist V: [he’d been on patrol every night for a week.. two.. or was it more? Hell each night bled into the next as they were filled with tracking and killing Lessers. But for some reason he always wound up staking out the hospital. Tonight was no different in that he woke from slumber, showered, dressed in black leather pants, black tight fitting shirt, shit kickers and his glocks. He had caught sight of the pasty ass fuck he'd been tracking for the past week and had sent him where the Omega couldn't get his hands on him ever again. The Big O.. Hell that name made most of his kind’s skin crawl but not him. Hell to the fuck no, not him. He was carved of granite with a heart as black as the night and twice as damned hornery. Yeah such was life for this warrior that was when he caught her scent… ] Fuck! [He growled out that word to himself when the blonde’s scent made his dick react. The small amount of room in the crotch of his leathers quickly filling until pain became his mistress and damned if he didn't enjoy it. He prided himself on being the most depraved there was or ever will be, but the leggy blonde with the curves any man would want to sink his teeth into had him transfixed where he stood in the shadows simply watching. Hell he'd be called a stalker by the humans as his lecherous stare took her in. “If he were to be caught..”, the thought lingered in his mind, but he was far too crafty to ever be. He'd been watching her for… Hell every night that he'd been on rotation if he are honest. He'd even taken Z and Rhage’s days so they were free to do other things just so he could see… Her! His head screamed out, “Mine”, but he shoved that word no to the back of his skull when he saw her pull out of the hospital parking lot. She had the windows down and music cranked loud.. She was exhausted.. He could sense it in her. He tracked her movements until he willed his atoms to scatter to the rooftop of building after building as she drove by. He /had/ to stay close. Had to make sure she made it home. The blonde had no idea she had a drawn the attention of the depraved one of his kind and he’d keep it that way denying himself everything but the sight of her] @SpiritedJane Jane: +The cool autumn air whispered through her short hair as she drove the familiar streets back to her brownstone. She didn't need much, just a bed to sleep in and a coffee pot really. She lulled to a stop at a light and rested her head against the palm of her hand,her heavy lids drooping. The blare of a horn behind her,shook her from her cat nap. Shaking her head and flashing the finger to the driver behind her, she took off, the need for rest driving her to get home as quickly as she could. She made the left at the next block that took her to the city park and let out a sigh of relief that she was five minutes away. That was a mistake. A cat strolled out from the side of the road. She yanked the car hard to the left so she wouldn't hit the animal. Tires squeaked, the smell of burnt rubber assaulted her nose as she death gripped the wheel. She slammed on the brakes, hitting a patch of gravel and fishtailed into a tree just off the curb. The airbag popped with such force, it sounded like a gunshot. Her head bounced off the frame of the window. Glass shattered around her, littering her exposed skin with tiny cuts. The seatbelt locked, keeping her from flying through the windshield but she felt a few ribs crack from the restraint. It was only seconds, but it felt like hours until the car came to a smokey stop.+ @ArcaneHedonist V: [he stood there on the rooftop watching as her car rolled to a stop at the light. The music still blaring but he could hear the second she dozed off. The calm that settled over her weary body was instantaneous, but then the shrill horn came from behind her as the impatient male couldn't stand waiting a second or two when the light changed. Hell it was all V could do to not snap the insulant fuckers neck where he sat, but his female handled the issue with a middle finger salute that had a rare smile crossing his lips] That's my girl. [V shook his head when he heard himself say, “my girl”, she wasn't his physically, but he couldn't sully her beauty with his depravity. He could long for her though. He got caught in his own thoughts when she turned the corner that led to the park.. She was close to home.. but the sound of brakes squealing and the crunch of glass and metal had him moving at breakneck speed. What he saw was her car bent in the wrong angles around a tree, her head was slumped on the air bag that had her pinned behind the wheel. Her angelic face was littered with cuts from shattered glass along with a few bruises. His body carried him forward.. He had to get her out. The sizzling beneath the hood said fast, but he felt he was moving too slow as a spark hit exposed gas on the ground. “Move your ass, V”, his mental voice grew loud as he rips the seatbelt from its hold on the roof and extricated the stunning blonde from the mangled car. Swinging her into his arms where she fit like she was made for him or he was made for her and made the walk back towards the hospital with her head against his chest nestled safely there. His focus was on her vitals, her scent, and getting her the help she needed] @SpiritedJane Jane: +Fuck did her body hurt! There wasn't a place on her that wasn't throbbing in some form of pain. Try as she might, she couldn't open her eyes. Smoke filled her nostrils. She could smell the oil and antifreeze that were dripping from the engine. In the next breath gasoline suffocated her. In her mind she knew this wasn't good. One spark and she would be burned alive. Her body protested her trying to move. Actually it was the steering wheel and seatbelt keeping her immobile. Small groans managed to escape her lips. She rolled her head,not the best idea if she had a neck injury but she needed to get out of the car. The pressure on her chest eased suddenly. A low growl filled her ears. She felt strong arms gently pull her and hold her tight. Some sort of sweet tobacco tingled her senses. That and leather. Her head was rested against something soft yet hard and she heard breathing in her ears. Hopefully whoever this person was was good at treating accident victims+ @ArcaneHedonist V: [If he could have scattered their atoms he would have, but the female in his arms was human so that meant pounding shit kickers to concrete or asphalt or wherever the fuck he was walking. When he walked up carrying @SpiritedJane in his arms he scanned the emergency waiting area to find not an empty seat in the house] Fuck this shit! [He was skilled enough to know waiting wasn't an option so he did a quick about face without even stepping foot in the hospital itself. But where could he possibly take his precious cargo?] Belle.. [when his one friend outside of all the fighting came to mind he all but sprinted towards her clinic. He kept his female pressed close to his chest to minimize her getting jarred. He wasn't taking chances and would have to call in the clean up crew to once he got to Belle’s clinic. But even that could wait for him to know his Jane was going to be safe] @Belle_MD_ Belle: [Quiet nights, those never proved to be good. My clinic opened right after she had left, no one had shown up for some time now and again I cursed quiet nights. I much preferred to have something to occupy my time. Even if it was a mortal or two who didn't want to go to the er. Of course I was just bored and over thinking things again. I needed to get a life, as I was always told. But this here, medicine was indeed my life. I moved to the door planning on just closing the clinic down and possibly making it an early night. But I didn't even get to shut the door when I seen several cop cars go flying down the street lights flashing and sirens going. Only other thought I had would be that this night would be perfect to be out hunting. Maybe I would make this an early night after all.] @ArcaneHedonist V: [stopping beside the building when sirens go wailing by] Shit! [adjusting the female in his arms while pressing his back to the brick wall. His senses served him well but his precious cargo had him addled. He needed to focus on where he was going and not being spotted. He steps out and makes the turn towards @Belle_MD_’s clinic. He heard Jane groan against his chest when he adjusts her slight weight once more while making quick work of the rest of his journey. He steps up to the clinic and finally feels like he can breathe as he pushes open the door and walks inside] Belle?! [his voice booming through the small clinic as he seeks his friend for help. He didn't have many ‘friends’ but the doc definitely ranked in the few he could count on one hand] @SpiritedJane Jane: + The slight jostling woke her just enough to get a glimpse of whoever was carrying her. She couldn't help a small smile that crossed her lips when she looked up at intense ice blue eyes. Although she should be scared of this man,she couldn't help but feel safe in his strong hold.+ Who… Are you? Where are you taking me? @Belle_MD_ Belle: [I had already started closing everything down, lights off as I moved back between the doors that separated the clinic from the house. Making sure everything on that side was locked up and secure. Having already gone upstairs and into my room grabbing the few weapons that I owned. Each one tucked away, hidden from any I may walk past on the streets. After locking the front door to the house I was heading back towards the clinic. My hand was immediately on my back gripping the handle of a small blade I had there when I heard the door to the clinic opening. I didn't pull it from my back, not even sure on letting go even after I heard my name. I recognized the voice. But we always ran into each other out in the streets as we both went about our own thing. This was odd, unsure how to take it, his showing up here. He never needed any medical help before now. My free hand came up and pushed open the door slowly, eyes widening as I seen him carrying someone.] You know you are lucky I am still here. @ArcaneHedonist V: [when Belle’s voice cut through the haze of him staring at Jane when she asked who he was he looked up. His face was a mix of anxiety and for lack of a better description he was speechless. For the first time in his life words just would not form much less roll off his tongue. The female in his arms had rendered him this way. “Vishous get your shit together”... There was the mental voice giving him a swift kick to jump start the words to coagulate in his brain to where it made some sense as the mask of indifference slams down over his features. He'd not have either female see him as anything less than the warrior he was] AnaBelle.. It’s fortuitous that you are here. This female.. [His diamond like gaze drops to the blonde in his arms and he could swear she had bypassed his indifference to bring out the inner male into the light] was involved in a wreck. She must be checked over to make sure she is free from permanent harm. [his words directed at Belle but the next was to Jane] I am Vishous and an ally. [that inner voice wanted him to add, “and you are mine”, but those words he refused to say… for now] @Belle_MD_ Belle: [I stepped closer to where I was standing opposite of the male, my gaze quick on looking her over. It was then I picked up the fact that she was human and I was going to have to remember to treat her as such. Looking up at Vishous, curiosity in my eyes as well as several questions. Questions that would have to wait. I stepped back and indicated to a room.] Take her in there, then my friend you will have to wait out here. [I moved ahead turning lights on as I walked past the switches. Including the one for the room.] What caused the accident? @ArcaneHedonist Vishous: [he nods at Belle’s directions then carefully adjusts @SpiritedJane in his arms before carrying her into the room that had been pointed out. He lays Jane’s limp body onto the table and without thinking slides his fingers through a lock of her blonde hair, but he quickly pulls back when he senses Belle coming up behind them] You truly expect me to wait out there? [His head nods towards the hallway while his diamond gaze falls over his friend’s face. She knew him well enough to know that a Mack truck wouldn't move him if he didn't will it so and the thought of leaving Jane alone gripped at his heart in such a way he thought he might strangle from the hold] She dozed off at the wheel for a split second while heading home. [He feels Belle’s knowing gaze on him so he turns from watching Jane back to her] No.. I didn't cause it as I was on patrol this night. Be glad I was there and not someone less minded to help. @Belle_MD_ Belle: [I moved around the table to the side not currently crowded by the male, it was obvious he was protective of her and I didn’t dare argue when he refused to leave the room. There would be questions later, I couldn’t help but look out for him and this was out of the ordinary for him. Well what all I knew about him at least.] It is a habit to make others wait outside, if you want to stay put I will not enforce the rules. In the end I know you will find out. Just don’t go breathing down my neck as I work on her. [I brushed her hair away from her face, checking for any obvious injuries. The fact that she had fallen asleep at the wheel alone made me want to do more than a quick once over.] I don't know if you can hear me, but my name is Annabelle, I am a Dr and will be checking you out. How badly damaged is the car? [I glanced up to ask my question to Vishous before grabbing my stethoscope to listen to her heart and lungs.] @SpiritedJane Jane: +His voice soothed my body and made me feel safe. Slowly I lifted my heavy lids, looking at the woman checking me over.+ Jane...Jane Whitcomb. It's Friday night. Damn cat came out of nowhere. Some cracked ribs and a slight concussion. If you could just tape my ribs I should be good. +I hated being a patient. As much as I preached to mine about cooperation and listening to my instructions, I barely took my own advice. What I really wanted was my bed and about a week’s worth of sleep.+ Can one of you call a cab for me? I just want to get home. (@Belle_MD_ ) Belle: [I smiled at the female, Jane, as she answered the next set of questions I planned on asking her.] Falling asleep at the wheel is never a good thing. Something tells me you already know this. You either have done this before or work in the field, something tells me it's the latter over the first. Let me finish, and get you taken care of then I shall see about that taxi. As well as you catching up on sleep once it is safe for you to do such. [I tucked the stethoscope away before moving to the next part.] I take it you didn't get the chance to brace yourself before impact either right? (@ArcaneHedonist ) Vishous: [his eyes were fixated on Jane while.she spoke. The sound had his heart feeling as though some foreign hand was upon it making it so he couldn't breathe. It was Belle's question that finally got him to move his gaze off of Jane's face] The car is totalled. If she'd have braced things could have been worse. [when he put those words out there he felt the growl in his chest at the mere thought of Jane being hurt worse than she already was. “Why feel this way?”, that inner voice spoke up and he couldn't answer it for he was watching Belle begin checking Jane's ribs. His trained eye could see Jane taking shallow breaths from the injuries. “What would you do if she was worse?” Hell he'd move heaven, earth and yes all realms to see Jane well. He'd face the fires of hell and even that bitch.. THE bitch… if he ever had to] @SpiritedJane Jane: My car is totaled? +I went to sit up, only to have the room spin on its axis and my chest feel like I had a two ton boulder on it+ Fuck! I just got that car. And seriously who decided to take me on the Tilt-a-Whirl? +laying back down, I dropped an arm over my eyes to ward off the nausea I was feeling from the spinning.+ Please, I just need to be taped up and given something for the pain. I'll be fine. (@Belle_MD_ ) Belle: Let us not worry about the ‘what if’s’ instead be thankful that she is awake and able to tell us what is going on with her. [My gaze moved from Jane, to V and back to Jane. There was something going on here but I knew better than to ask. V trusted me to do this and I wasn’t about to screw that up one bit. But there would be questions for him once we were alone. I moved to catch Jane as she had started going a bit sideways as she laid back down, I didn’t want or need her to fall off and make her injuries worse.] I’ll get you taken care of, but let me finish my exam to my satisfaction before treatment. I don’t have an xray here so you’ll need to get a few done to make sure they are not worse. If you do not have anyone you can have watch you while you are at home for the next 24 hours I need the name of someone to call so I can have them meet you here. [Stepping away from the table I looked to V.] I will be back in just a moment I am going to grab the things needed to wrap her ribs. (@ArcaneHedonist ) Vishous: [His hand reaches out to steady Jane when she sways. The second his rough palm grazes her top his scent flares. “Mine!”, that inner voice plays that word on repeat like some insane song stuck in his head. Slowly he pulls out of the foggy haze and finds Belle looking at him. The musk of his bonding scent assailing him and he quickly shuts it down before more questions. Hell he had questions… least of which was… Why now? Why her? He was struck dumbfounded and silent as these questions and more run through his mind] @SpiritedJane Jane: +I look at the man that hasn't left my side since he rescued me. Tall, like giant sized, piercing ice like eyes and a tattoo around the one. He was the epitome of bad boy, yet he stirred something inside me. At least I think he does and it's not the concussion making my stomach do flip flops. I heard a low growl come from him and one word “mine”. What the fuck did that mean?+ I just want to thank you for getting me out of that wreck. Who knows how long I would have been there if you wouldn't have come along. I still can't believe my car is totaled. I really just want to go home. Do you think your friend will be long? Is she calling a cab for me? (@ArcaneHedonist ) Vishous: [when she looks at him his six chambered heart seems to falter and he eases back though not far so he can take a breathe. Her eyes were reading him or they seemed to as he spoke] Belle.. her name is Belle and no she won't be long. She had to gather what she needs to properly bandage your ribs. No! [the idea of her in a cab had him answering harshly to the last question] You won't be riding in a cab. I'll see you get home. [He pulls out his cell and shoots Butch a text for him to bring the Escalade to the address he just sent them puts his cell away] I won't let you ride in a cab this night. (@SpiritedJane ) Jane: +My eyes nearly bug out of my throbbing head at his harsh reply to my asking for a cab. I watched him pull his phone out and text someone. My nerves were already fried between work and the accident, but this sent off warning bells in my head.+ I am the chief trauma surgeon at Caldwell Medical Center. If I don't report to work they will come looking for me. +Fight or flight mode came into play and I began to scramble off the gurney, not really caring about the pain shooting throughout my body.+ Tell Belle I appreciate her looking over me but I'm signing myself out AMA. +Getting to me feet, I wobbled a little and braced my ribs with my arm.+ Fuck this…. (@ArcaneHedonist ) Vishous: [he'd never had anyone outside of Butch back talk him and even he knew when to curb the ‘tude. But she had no clue that when Vishous speaks he expects to be heard] Ease up there, Doc. You get checked out and bandaged then I'll see you get home. [he notices how she looks from the pocket where his cell is and back and his brain above his shoulders decides to kick in] My brother is going to come pick us both up so we can get you home. Then you can call the hospital you work at and make arrangements about your car that got wrapped around that pole. Do we have a deal? [Belle would have his ass for her patient being up and wanting to leave before getting bandaged. That he didn't feel up to facing or her questions] @Belle_MD_ Jane: Do you always get what you want? +I sit back down on the gurney, not really sure why I am letting this man tell me what to do. I cross my arms and stare at him with half closed eyes. The throbbing in my head was increasing thanks to my blood pressure rising.+ I just want to go home and go to bed. Is that too much to ask? This will be the last time I pull a 72 hour shift. I don't give a fuck what happens. (@ArcaneHedonist ) Vishous: [he lets her talk herself into sitting back down which she eventually does much to the relief of his pounding six chambered heart] Always do, Doc. Always do. [he reaches out with both hands touching her temples when he sees the pain in her eyes. The sharp contrast of cool leather on his right hand to the warmth of his skin on the left he knew she'd feel but he was trying to calm her however he could] You will be home as soon as Belle tends to those ribs and you need to lay off the extra long shifts. [his hearing picks up Belle moving out in the hallway and wonders if she has all she needs] @Belle_MD_ Belle: [I of course would decide that now was the time that I needed to try to reorganize the cabinet as I looked for the items I needed for Jane. Once I realized what I had started to do I mentally yelled at myself and done a few actual ass kickings as well. Jane seemed like a small woman so I only grabbed a few of the wraps I would need for her ribs. I wasn’t comfortable giving her anything for her head so I didn’t even grab it. I didn’t realize the amount of time that had passed as I had stood there attempting to try and decide what all I needed to order and what I needed to go to the hospital for. Rolling my shoulders I kicked the small metal door shut and moved back to the room. Only knocking once before I walked in and shut the door behind me not glancing over to them as I set everything down.] Ok, here comes the less than pleasant part Jane, I need to get your shirt up. Now I can cut it up and give you another one. Your choice here, but if you are wanting to see your bed soon, that choice needs to be made. Quickly. (@ArcaneHedonist ) Jane: +I momentarily lose all train of thought when he steps towards me and places his hands on my temples. A calm settles over me, his ice colored eyes pulling me in. I hear footsteps and the door open but nothing registers until I hear my name and something about my shirt. Closing my eyes, I shake my head softly to get my wits about me and look over at Belle and the bandages. Right. My ribs. I got to remove my shirt, hissing when I reach for it above my head.+ Fuck!!! +I try to take a deep breath and push through the pain. Getting my shirt half way off, I drop my arms down and huff in frustration+ I think you are going to have to cut it off Belle. Guess I will be wearing button downs or larger scrubs for a few days. (@ArcaneHedonist ) Vishous: [when Doc hisses in pain as she gets her shirt only half way up he clenches his teeth. But it's more than just the hiss that has his teeth grinding. The sight of her skin, what little was exposed, had his body reacting violently to the desire to touch, taste and smell her scent but they weren't alone and he could see the way her sides were bruising. Doc.. /His/ Doc needed to heal] You want me in here for this? [his question tumbling out to both females. He wanted to show respect for them both but he truly didn't want to leave. He was torn between his duty as a warrior to protect and his duty as a male] @Belle_MD_ Belle: [I truly felt for the female as I watched her attempt to remove her shirt. The telltale markings of how bad she would be feeling this come daylight was all too evident. I wanted to step in and stop her the moment I had seen the bruising from a seatbelt alone. But I knew better. I knew her type too. Because that was also me. Stubborn, hard headed and not willing to just go with what someone tells me is what is best for me. I will give my last breath just to prove you wrong.] Jane it is alright, you just ended up helping me with answering the questions I had yet to ask. [I was doing my best to ignore how V was acting, and standing there as he too watched how things played out. Stepping to the side to grab my scissors from a drawer I answered his question in my opinion.] It might be best for you to step out, you can leave the door cracked open if it will help you out. Unless Jane would rather you stayed close by. [Brow arched my gaze went to her face and waited to see what she would have to say on the matter.] @SpiritedJane Jane: +sighing in defeat, I held onto the gurney with white knuckles. I was frustrated with the whole situation, from my car being totaled to not knowing who these people were. Sure Belle seemed nice and Vishous made my heart skip a beat, but could I really trust them? I mean he called someone to come get us. How did he get me to this clinic without a car? My brain just ran in constant circles with this whole scene I was in. I almost wish it was a bad dream and a trauma code was going to wake me any minute. I looked over to Vishous once more and knew for whatever reason I wanted him here. In the back of my mind I heard the voice from my dream “Take care of my son”. Those five words sent a shiver down my spine and more questions into my already too full brain.+ He can stay. And Belle, I think my concussion just went from minor to severe. I'm hearing voices in my head. (@Belle_MD_ ) Belle: Alright my friend you are in luck the lady wishes for you to stay. [I only nodded once at her wishes, she wanted V to stay then he could stay. I made quick work of slicing through her shirt to get rid of it. The mentioning of her hearing voices had me beginning to believe she would most definitely need to be watched during daylight hours.] I need to know if there is someone you can call it sit with you while you rest. To check on you while you sleep Jane. I don't have to read you the riot act of how important it is either so just a simple yes or no please. Now slowly move your arms from your sides so I can start wrapping your ribs. [Cloth in hand the bandage wrap ready to be wound around your small frame.] @SpiritedJane Jane: If I say no what are you going to do? +At this point I was getting really agitated. I just wanted to go home and sleep. How many hours had I been up now? 36? 48? Somewhere in that vicinity. I moved my arms out of the way and waited for the pain that would come from being wrapped.+ I will call one of my associates to call me every so often. Will that suffice? (@Belle_MD_ ) Belle: [I admired Jane, and I couldn't help the smile that appeared as I began wrapping her ribs. She had a fire about her that made this far more interesting and entertaining that would have originally thought.] If you had no one I would have suggested you to stay here. At least then I would be able to keep an eye on you. I know you can at least understand why I'm being such a pain in your ass. You can do the follow ups at your own Dr’s office or hospital. Just as long as you get checked and released, by someone other than yourself. I also want you to take it easy for the next few days. [Using the self adhesive part of the wrap I secured it into place before stepping back to look at her.] I can always be that pain in the ass Dr who makes house calls as well as calling your employer. [I smirked before looking to V, I knew I was being harder in her than I should be. But she didn't heal like he or I. She needed the rest.] @ArcaneHedonist Vishous: [his diamond like eyes move from one female to the other. If he was less of a warrior and less of a male he’d knock each on their heads. He could see Belle was growing to like Jane and her tenacious manner. He wasn’t sure but he did know these two would be the death of him. He and Belle had faced a lot and Jane she had a direct line to his heart and libido. Neither was healthy for him as when on patrol he /had/ to be focused] Well.. looks like I’m staying. [his words coming over the sound of Belle talking low while she taped up Jane’s ribs and Jane’s minute hisses at every breath she took] @SpiritedJane Jane: +Belle was good at what she did and I wasn't going to give her lip for being the type of doctor I was. I never sugar coated things or let my patients go without knowing they were going to take care of themselves. I gave a small nod to her and looked over at V.+ And just what do you mean by “looks like I'm staying?” I can assure you I am a grown woman and can take care of myself. And when the hell is your friend getting here? I just want to go home. +looking back at Belle I gave a weak smile. Fatigue was setting in and my body was screaming at me to sleep+ Thank you Belle. If you give me your number I can call you tomorrow with my address to bill me. (@Belle_MD_ ) Belle: His friend may be too polite to enter a home unannounced, or possibly feeling unwelcome. [Yeah I was putting it lightly, I figured he had texted one of his Brothers. None of them had been formally introduced to me, but I had a feeling they all were like V. Not to fond of a female out there fighting. He at least no longer objected to it when we ran into each other on some nights.] Take care of yourself, rest like you know you need to. Also don't make my work have been a waste and I'll consider it paid. I need to get you a shirt real quick, then you should be set. [Without giving Jane a chance to object I walked out of the room again. Heading back into the house to my room to obtain a button down shirt that I knew she could deal with for her ride home.] @ArcaneHedonist Vishous: [motions a finger to Jane’s bandaged ribs and tried to not notice that it spanned up beneath her breasts making them lift more within the confines of her bra. His fangs ached in his gums at the plump domes of flesh that shifted with each breath Jane took, but he maintained control with a vice-like grip on his baser emotions] I stayed since Belle had already started and now finished bandaging your ribs. [His eyes followed Belle out the door then came back to level on Jane’s face. He wanted to touch one angelic cheek but dared not to lest he go down the path his baser instincts wanted] Mine brother will be here.. [his words were cut short by the Cop’s text alert then cut a smirk at Jane] now actually. He's waiting outside for us. Once you have a shirt on. [He'd glanced at his cell to know Butch was indeed outside and knew Belle would be introduced to all mine brothers in due time. She had a knack for getting into trouble though she'd been lucky thus far on her excursions. He didn't like the thoughts of a female out fighting and it was heightened with Belle since she was one of two he called friend] @SpiritedJane Jane: Your brother? I thought you said your friend was coming. Don't tell me you are in some kind of motorcycle club or gang. +Fear once again spiked through me. It would make sense if he were in a bike club or gang. Between the head to toe leather get up and the tattoo around one eye, which by the way had to hurt like a bitch, he fit the part+ Seriously I can just get a cab and go home. I appreciate you bringing me here and Belle patching me up but I'm good. I'm just going to go home and sleep for the next few days. +I tried to take a deep breath but the pain and the bandages hindered my lungs from taking it. I bit my lower lip and tried to calm myself down yet something about this man kept me on edge, in a good and bad way+ (@Belle_MD_ ) Belle: [I knew that her putting on a scrub top would make her hurt more since Jane would have to raise her arms up just to put it on. So instead I opted to head upstairs into my room where a shirt she could put on would be. We seemed to be about the same size for the most part top wise so I knew a button down shirt would benefit her greatly. Rummaging through my closet I found one, it was one I wouldn't mind parting ways with. Not that there was anything wrong with it, I just had not worn it in some time. Just to be safe I looked it over making sure no buttons were missing and there was no tears. Satisfied I headed back downstairs and to the room I left her in. Barely knocking as I pushed the door open as well.] I don't think that a scrub will work for you Jane, but I have something else. [I stepped to the side V wasn't currently crowding and help it up for her. I hadn't thought about the fact that it had short sleeves, but it should serve it's purpose nonetheless. Once ready I carefully and a bit slowly helped with sliding it on l. Staying close I watched and waited for her to attempt the buttons on her own. Ignoring the tension that seemed to have built in the moments I had vanished upstairs.] How's that? (@ArcaneHedonist ) Vishous: [he could hear the gears in Jane’s head spinning at hyper speed. She had a right to be afraid. Hell most in their right minds feared him, but these two females held fast to those emotions. Jane’s mind was a varying array of spiraling thoughts whereas Belle’s was calm with the hint of her other life. The side that put herself at risk by taking on Lessers. That was how we had met] My brother is outside so we’ll get you home. [looking at his cell while speaking then looks up with his finger tracing the mark around his eye following Jane’s eyes] You'll sleep so hard that all of this will be forgotten] @SpiritedJane Jane: +I let Belle help me into the shirt she provided and tried really hard not to show the pain that was currently stabbing my side. Once I was clothed again,I gave a soft smile and a yawn. I was done fighting with how I was getting home. I just wanted to sleep. Resigning to the fact that I was at Vishous’s mercy I pushed myself off the table and braved my ribs with one arm.+ Thank you again for patching me up Belle. Anytime you need help, please call me. +I stood before the large male, taking in how tall and built he truly was. Taping back my apprehension, I lifted my chin.+ Let's get this show on the road. My bed is calling me and I plan on having a long affair with it. (@ArcaneHedonist @Belle_MD_ )

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endoawarenessfs · 5 years

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The Problem With Explaining Endometriosis

I’m sitting here, drinking my morning coffee looking up various community organizations for endometriosis and there is hardly any. I mean, for a disease that so many women have and live with every day, you would have to suspect there is more information than one person could handle but, there isn’t. Why is that? Endometriosis isn’t a new disease. Growing up, I knew of someone who had it. I didn’t know what it means but I knew this person was in a lot of pain.

I wonder, how many women really suffer from this painful disease? How do you explain to another woman the signs of endometriosis? I can tell you your periods will be painful but not every period. Some periods I felt like I was gravely ill and other times, I barely felt anything at all. Most of the time, my periods were right on time, meaning my periods were on time hardly ever off my chart. I would go months and not feel a thing, yet, I had stage 4 endometriosis. I can tell you I would go 3-4 months feeling like I was on top of the world- hiking miles at a time but then would spend another 3-4 month feeling like I needed to curl up in a ball and die.

So many women experience this disease differently. How does one woman explain this properly to a doctor? To say, “look, I’m not always in pain but when I am, it’s serious and I need you to take me seriously.”

It’s a very complicated balance.

I can remember the first time I gave into my pain and took myself to urgent care. They told me to get a CT scan, that I had possible appendicitis. It made sense. I was having pain in my lower abdomen but when I looked up appendicitis, it wasn’t on the side I was having pain on.

I can remember telling the nurse who was getting back to a doctor in the ER that it wasn’t appendicitis. My pain was on the other side. He told me, “we know appendicitis when we see it.”

I gave in, I figured he knows what he’s talking about. Why wouldn’t he? He’s a medical professional…Right?

Needless to say, I had laparoscopic surgery to remove my appendix. When I saw the doctor the next day, he told me my appendix was about to burst. I was shocked, how was that possible? Again, I’m not the surgeon, he knew what he was talking about.

Come to find out, several years later, my appendix was just fine. It was the endometriosis all along and on the side, I complained hurt in the first place.

How does one really communicate their pain without being interrupted by doctors who think they know our body better? I’m not blaming all doctors, there are so many great, brilliant doctors out there but how do you say, “doc, this is what’s happening? Help me. Really, help me and not just give me your best guess. Give me all the tests you can think of that will help you find my source of pain. Please.”

Yes, I’m aware that insurance and doctors battling with them are a big cause for a lot of misdiagnoses. It’s a terrible middle ground to be in but you need someone who’s going to take their time and stand up for you, but in our world, who has the time? That’s a scary issue. Doctors have too many patients and not enough time to help every one of their patients. This is where research and networking come in handy.

This is why, we as women need to help each other, to talk about our female parts. The pains, the aches, the worries, and all the feels. This will help to normalize and give doctors a better chance to understand what we’re going through. Let’s do this together. Advocate for one another, help start the conversation.

This is our time to change times and the only way we can do that is by coming together. Let’s do this! Normalize periods, vaginas and uteruses. No more bs!

#femalestrong

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toptecharena · 6 years

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The sensation of something pointy scraping its way through your tender urethra is no joke-and there's a solid chance you'll experience one in your life, so listen up.

On the list of bad bathroom surprises, kidney stones rank pretty high. (Although, tbh, are there any good toilet surprises?)

The sensation of something pointy scraping its way through your tender urethra is no joke-and there’s a solid chance you’ll experience one in your life, so listen up.

One in 10 women will get at least one kidney stone in her lifetime, and every year kidney stones send more than half a million people to the ER, according to the National Kidney Foundation (NKF). Men are even less lucky, with one in five getting them.

Even worse: Cases of kidney stones are on the rise with rates more than doubling over the past few decades. Why? One theory is that factors like high blood pressure, diabetes, and obesity have been found to increase your risk, per the NKF.

But before you start freaking out at even the slightest pain, it’s important to know the majority of kidney stones can be prevented or managed by doing some very basic things, says S. Adam Ramin, M.D., a urologist and medical director of Urology Cancer Specialists in Los Angeles.

What exactly are kidney stones, anyway?

A kidney stone is basically exactly what it sounds like: a hard object that forms in your kidney.

It starts out when certain chemicals in your urine start to crystallize. As they form, they attract more elements, growing larger and larger. These stones tend to be sharp and spiky, ranging in size from a grain of sand to a golf ball.

Tiny ones may pass out through your urine without you even noticing but larger ones can get stuck, causing a backup of pee, which in turn causes swelling and pain.

But not all kidney stones are the same, and there are four kinds that women need to be aware of, per the NKF:

Calcium oxalate: These are the most common type, forming when calcium binds to oxalate, a chemical compound, in your urine. There may be a genetic component, especially in people who get them repeatedly, but most of them can be attributed to dehydration or a diet high in foods containing oxalates, like leafy greens and coffee, says Ramin.

Uric acid: The second most common type, these stones happen when your body doesn’t process all the monosodium urate (a chemical commonly found in foods like animal protein and nuts) in your kidneys and it clumps together. These definitely have a genetic component and tend to run in families.

Struvite: These stones are less common and are the result of an upper urinary tract infection, according to the NKF.

Cystine: Caused by a rare genetic disorder called cystinuria, these stones form when a high amounts of the amino acid cystine leaks into your urine.

What are the symptoms of kidney stones?

They’re painful, for one-like, excruciatingly so.

If a stone is just chilling in your kidney, you likely won’t even know it’s there, which is cool since doctors don’t usually treat those anyhow, says Ramin. However, once the stone moves down into your ureter (the little tube that funnels your pee from your kidneys to your bladder) it can block urine from passing, which causes swelling and serious pain, he explains.

“It hurt so bad it made me throw up. I seriously thought my appendix had burst.”

The longer it’s there, the more pain you’ll be in. You’ll likely feel it the most in your lower back, although some people may experience pain in their groin or abdomen as well, he adds.

Other possible symptoms include nausea, vomiting, and fainting; and urine that is bloody, cloudy, or bad smelling. Kidney stones can sometimes occur with an infection which may cause symptoms like a fever, body aches, fatigue, and chills, according to the U.S. National Library of Medicine.

How are kidney stones diagnosed-and treated?

Often it’s pretty apparent by the location and level of pain a person is in that a kidney stone is the issue but your doc may order a CT scan or an x-ray to determine the exact shape, size, and location. You may also receive a urine test to check for signs of infection.

Once your doc is sure you have a kidney stone (or multiple), you have two options: Treat it surgically or let it pass “naturally.”

Stones less than seven millimeters are generally left alone and given a chance to pass-that means you’re left to your own devices with patience and pain killers as you wait for it to flush out of your system. There are some medications your doctor can give you to help relax your ureter, making it easier for the stone to pass, says Ramin.

“[My kidney stone] was so big, I had to have it broken up with a laser.”

Larger stones, however, may be candidates for surgery, like shockwave treatment, for example (when special sound waves are aimed at your body to break up the stone in to smaller, easier to pass pieces).

Another option is endoscopic surgery where the doctor will go into your kidney directly, using a laser to break up the stone into sand-sized particles or to remove the stone whole, with a basket, he says.

But once the stone is out, regardless of how it left your body, hang on to it. First, bragging rights, duh. Second, your doc will want to analyze the stone to figure out what type it is so you can know what may have caused it-and how to prevent another one from forming

Wait, you can prevent kidney stones? How?

First and foremost, drink more water-it’s really that simple. “Staying well hydrated can help prevent kidney stones and keep existing stones from getting bigger,” says Ramin.

“Drinking more water will dilute your urine, making it harder for stones of any type to form.” How much, exactly? He recommends drinking about two liters, or 70 ounces, of water every day.

While you’re keeping track of what you put in your body, monitor your diet, too. If you’ve had a calcium oxalate stone, for example, you’ll likely be counseled to remove foods high in oxalate from your diet, including dark, leafy greens, chocolate, cola, coffee, and black tea, says Ramin

Likewise if your stone was made of uric acid, then you’ll likely be told to ditch high-urate foods like meats, seafood, and nuts, he adds.

Overall, because lifestyles diseases like obesity, diabetes, and high blood pressure increase your risk of kidney stones, anything you can do to reduce those will help with kidney stones as well, says Ramin. That means cutting out processed junk foods and eating more fruits, vegetables, and whole grains (avoiding any specific foods your doctor advises against, per above) along with getting regular exercise and a good night’s sleep.

What women who’ve had kidney stones want you to know:

“I never even thought about kidney stones until one morning I woke up at 5 a.m. in terrible pain. It hurt so bad it made me throw up. I made my boyfriend take me to the hospital because I seriously thought my appendix had burst. At first they thought I was an addict just trying to score some pain pills and tried to tell me to leave! But I insisted and after a CT scan, the doctors found a six millimeter (mm) stone lodged up there. They said it would pass on its own and sent me home with a prescription for morphine and some disposable strainers to pee in to catch the stone when it passed. It finally did two days later. They were the worst two days of my life. Ironically, when the stone actually came out, it barely hurt at all.” -Jennifer M.

“A year ago, I saw the doctor about a UTI and he ordered a scan. They didn’t find a stone causing the infection but they did find a small 2 mm stone in my left kidney. I got antibiotics for the UTI and they just told me to drink more water to get the stone to move. Two weeks ago I suddenly started experiencing random bursts of intense pain on my left side. Apparently the stone has grown bigger, to over 5 mm, and gotten lodged at the top of my ureter. They gave me a prescription for Percocet but I’ve almost run out and it still hasn’t come out. I’m just trying to tough it out to avoid asking for more meds, but my God, this is the worst.” -Laura P.

“I’m the kind of girl who normally never takes any medicine stronger than an Advil, so when I went to the ER begging for pain meds I knew something was seriously wrong with me. They asked me to rate my pain on a scale of one to 10 and all I remember is screaming ’10.’ When the nurse gave me a funny look, I yelled, ‘I’m not exaggerating! Have you ever had this kind of pain before?!’ and she looked me and just said ‘kidney stone.’ She was so right. Because mine was so big, I had to have it broken up with a laser. That was when I was 24. It’s been five years since then and I’ve passed four more stones. Apparently this is just how my body works.” -Angelina A.

Go to Source Author: Women’s Health Girl Smarts: What are kidney stones, exactly? The sensation of something pointy scraping its way through your tender urethra is no joke-and there's a solid chance you'll experience one in your life, so listen up.

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thedaveandkimmershow · 6 years

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So I was home again. No panic attack on the long flight back... so that was good. Except for the part where breathing-things stopped being the only trigger that set off chaos in my mind and body.

I don’t remember specifics, thank God, but I could trigger attacks by thinking about certain things. Definitely certain thoughts were land mines. Magnets, black holes that drew all my attention.

My mind could, in an instant, become a circus of unchecked chaos.

As far as new triggers went, my wedding ring was the first of these.

Now, most of the time I’m not aware it’s even on my finger. But after I returned from Europe, I’d have these random compulsions to check whether or not the ring would come off my finger.

Big deal, right?

It’s never supposed to come off.

Sometimes, though, I really felt the need to check. Just to be sure. And most of the time, of course, it popped right off. But fingers, turns out, swell and contract. So sometimes the ring wouldn’t come off.

And panic ensued.

I was right back in a little hotel bathroom in Italy trying to pull it off. Ice. Lotion. Then more pulling. Like pulling for keeps.

But it wouldn’t budge.

In a weird kind of way, it made sense that my triggers would evolve in that direction.

But.

They evolved in another direction as well. Generalized, sort of. The category being: Something I’m Trying To Do Physically That, For Some Reason, Isn’t Happening.

It was the ring... and anything that mimicked the experience of trying to pull it off... but failing.

Panic.

So, our triggers so far:

Certain thoughts.

My wedding ring... sometimes.

Something I’m trying to do physically but can’t.

And, of course, breathing things.

Yeah.

Depending on the trigger, one of two things would happen. The first was like being hyper frustrated, pacing, tensing muscles, kicking the air. And the second was a straight-up flight response. As in

I have GOT to get out of here.

This second one was especially problematic ‘cause if I was driving at the time, my body would push back into my seat and I’d have an overwhelming desire to floor the gas.

I never did... but a tug of war between conscious and unconscious control would ensue during which I’d start to punch it... then abruptly pull my foot off the gas. Punch it.

Pull my foot away.

And so on.

It was a bizarre experience.

If I was at home when this flight response manifested, I’d walk out the front door.

One night, I was triggered whilst trying to go to sleep. So. I threw off the covers, threw open our bedroom door, threw open our front door... and walked out into the world in the middle of the night.

Okay.

Jump back 20, 30 years to Kimmer’s childhood home. It’s late in the day. The front door to the house is open but the screen door’s closed.

Suddenly, a drunk guy throws open the screen door and barges into the house, confused as hell.

Okay.

Now jump back to the night I threw open our front door, walked out... and you’ll discover that I just triggered in Kimmer the panic she felt 20, 30 years before.

That was the final straw for her if you haven’t guessed already.

When I eventually returned, she was very much

“That’s it. You’re going to the doctor.”

Which is where we wound up the following afternoon at which point I told the story I’ve pretty much been telling so far. From the beginning. From Italy.

The diagnosis wasn’t that tough to figure out, by the way: Panic Disorder caused by E) All Of The Above.

Yeah.

The doc prescribed Xanax for me and sent us on our way. To which my friend, Tom, the photographer on the Italy/Czech Republic trip said

“Good. Just bring the Xanax with you the next time we travel.”

Haha.

Nope.

Xanax helped, thankfully. It was pretty good at heading off or easing me out of panic attacks. So I made sure I had that little bottle with me at all times.

At all.

Times.

Then this one time I’m on my way to work and I had this need to make sure the Xanax was on me.

Only it wasn’t.

And I started to panic.

Got that?

The triggers could leap in irrational ways. And there wasn’t a thing I could do about it.

Here’s what, though. It’s a small thing, but something of which I have to remind myself.

Panic attacks don’t kill me.

You see, when I was in Europe, I had nothing to manage the attacks... so they ran like wild horses until those horses were spent.

It was terrible. Crazy. Frightening.

And I was over 5,000 miles from home.

I would pace my room. I would walk the halls and stairs of my hotel. I would walk public squares and city blocks. I would stay up watching TV in my room until I literally fell asleep right there, where I was sitting, at the end of the bed.

They stopped when they stopped. And I white-knuckled the experience every time.

So yeah. First: panic attacks don’t kill me.

Oh sure I felt like I was gonna die... but that never happened. Certainly I could make them worse, help them out by swimming / running / flying with the wild current.

But I never died. That much I knew for sure. And that knowledge was a first, maybe absurd, step. But necessary, never-the-less.

The knowledge gave me license to embrace tools that would intercept or derail thought triggers. It gave me the nudge I needed to take manual control of my body when needed. At least try. And yeah, I’ve arranged certain parts of my life to avoid other triggers.

Was I successful?

Maybe. I dunno.

What I can say for sure is that I haven’t had one in a long time.

But that’s what I always think before one jumps out and randomly, violently mugs me.

So yeah. It’s been a long time.

Thank God for that.

The breathing thing’s still a thing, by the way. Although it’s the rarest of my triggers.

A few years ago I was in the ER with abdominal pain in the appendix region. Ish.

I’m on the table. Rails up on either side. After a quick exam, the doc’s telling me (or maybe he’s talking to Kimmer who’s also right there)... he’s saying how he’s gonna insert a tube up my nose and down my throat.

Yeah.

Not gonna happen.

And like that, without even the tiniest sliver of conscious, critical thought, my body’s like we’re outta here!!!!!!! and I was already part way over the rail before I realized what I was doing.

The doc was like “Hey hey HEYYYY!!!!! What are you doing there?” as he and the nurses worked to corral me back onto this Table Of Certain Death.

And instead of saying “I told you so” to the doc, Kimmer just gave him a sweet, gentle reminder.

“Xanax” she said.

Which really is magic.

Even now, years later, it’s inconceivable that they actually snaked that tube in and it stayed in for more than 24 hours.

Inconceivable.

My head should’ve exploded.

Anyway.

It’s been awhile.

Now, I don’t know when the next one’ll be... but it is nice to feel like me all the time, so far. Knowing that at most I’m good to go for the rest of my life and at least, no matter what...

That I can handle it.

:-)

#anxiety #panic #panic attack #traveling without a net

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