#and that i shouldn't have to unfollow my friends to get him off my dash | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tenaflyviper · 3 years

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I might as well tell the whole story, for those who care, and just to get it off my chest. I'll tag it with "long post" so people can avoid it.

So...I unfollowed and quietly drifted from these guys around 5-6 years ago (by "these guys", I mean the ones that later started acting toxic. There are good folks mixed in with them, and yes--within them. I sometimes wonder if maybe covid hadn't happened, perhaps things would have been different. It fucked with all of our lives--made many folks anxious, pent up, frustrated, and depressed. Social media is also the worst place for anything political, especially when there's an unfair imbalance/bias that shouldn't be ignored. Morty got flagged on Facebook for a covid meme). I did the mass unfollowing because I didn't want to see discourse on my dash for my own well-being. At the time, I had nothing against them. Others had left before me (I won't name names, but there was one guy that got pretty popular and pulled away from the pack). I watched how they were treated, never thinking it would happen to me. "He must have done or said something wrong", I thought.

Before that, I spent years getting threats and insults for sticking up for these guys--and constantly being asked to look at posts and get involved in their arguments--all while they otherwise rarely acknowledged my existence. Still, I truly believed we were in the right. I even got caught up in what was basically bullying the hell out of a teenage girl for not wanting to see creepy shit in the fandom of a show made with little girls in mind (yes, many of them are bronies, and the exact kind that made people hate bronies. There are nice people that just enjoy the show and reblog wholesome art).

Before I left KF for good (having originally been invited by someone from the TF2 community that I'd known from before I'd ever heard of tumblr--she has since left KF behind as well), I looked at the thread about Takashi and those closest to him, and saw that things had gotten worse. They had even become the subject of memes (Kung Pow Penis anyone?). Without thinking, I expressed that I was glad I moved away from them. Obviously, they were still watching the thread. I can't blame them, but they seem too preoccupied with their image online, despite that it means jack in real life. When the thread first began, I went in with the sole purpose of defending Takashi, which I did for many pages (without success). I tried countless times thereafter to urge him and others to move away from discourse: It's a waste of time, especially when people are so divided.

At some point during lockdown, I agreed with some things I saw on Twitter (Twitter can be even worse than tumblr. I try to avoid looking at what's "trending", but 99% of HorrorFam, and every horror actor, director, and musician I follow--Jeffrey Combs, Dee Snider, etc.--are very left, so it's hard to never see anything political, and these were my childhood heroes who helped shape my values growing up. I was raised listening to skinhead-hating punks and anti-censorship metalheads, and hating conservatives that kept trying to ban and censor my favorite horror movies and games). It didn't take long for others to start throwing around terms like "sjw", and saying things like "how the mighty have fallen". It was all too familiar--the exact same things they used to say about/to the guy that left before I did.

I never wanted to be "mighty" to anyone. I'm being very honest when I say I'm naïve, and I'm not proud of it. I don't know much about how politics even work--I just want to be a decent person. I'm someone who'll bend over backwards for others at my own expense, and is always eager to make friends--a combination that's made me susceptible to being used ever since I was a kid. I had some "friends" in grade school that hung around me because I'd share things like candy. They later tried stealing my bike out from under me (guess they really dug my cheap, turquoise baby bike with a cartoon puppy on it).

I just want to move on, and try to be a better person. I say "try" because I still fumble at it. I overreact to things. I keep slipping into an "all or nothing" mentality, which I've since found is part of having ADHD. I'm crap at wording things, and have trouble being concise. I'm not perfect, and shouldn't have been expected to be. I just like making movie lists for people (I'm starting to use my Letterboxd account), talking about horror, sharing weird things I've learned, and posting dumb fat unicorns. It doesn't matter to me if they don't get a lot of notes--the fun is sharing them with others. Making even just one person smile is a worthwhile achievement.

I could have stayed in that crowd, and kept going along with everything they said and did. I'd have an entire group willing to reblog my long, rambling text posts. But, it just didn't feel right. I didn't want that, especially when it was hurting others for no good reason. I felt bad for everything I said and did, and I still do.

Sorry again for the TL:DR, but I can't use cuts on mobile. I am speaking from the heart, no matter what anyone tries to accuse me of. Like Morty told me, I know myself better, as do those around me that love and care about me. I'm blessed to have a job that I love that also benefits my community, with people that are more like family than coworkers.

I deeply appreciate every person that's stuck with me through even my worst, and who actually talk to me about either of our interests. I'm also thankful for those who patiently explain their criticism for my dumb monkey brain, even when I don't always listen. I have a tendency to be stubborn, but I would not have changed at all if I never took anyone's words to heart. I guess that's all I have to say.

#long post #I'll try to shorten this later if I can

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