Uncle Nina Mental Health Check! How are you?
hi, angel. thank you for checking in; i really needed this today. <3
and before i dive in, i just wanted to say that the outpouring of love and support in my inbox for my fanfictions and my well being in general, now and always, is the closest thing i have felt to magic. :')
your sung praises and whispered well wishes comfort me ten million times more than cherry nyquil. you are more than medicine to me. every single one of you is proof to me that angels exist. i mean that.
every single time i get an ask message, regardless of what it is, it makes my bad days a hundred times better and pours sunlight into every shadowed part of my existence. thankyouthankyouthankyou.
i know it may not seem that way because i have so many asks in the box atm, but please, please know it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me being extremely overwhelmed. </3
i'll go into that a little later, but again! thank you for wondering about me and here is how things on planet nina have been lately! xx
( also this got very, very, VERY long and i just used this basically as a stream of consciousness diary entry where i troubleshooted how i was feeling about writing atm. its very repetitive, runs in a circle and is all babble really, but if you enjoy my madman ramblings. here. <3 )
about a week ago, i travelled back home for the holidays to visit my family and it's been...very healing and restorative for me. i haven't been home in a very long time and i'm happy for the small change.
( also, small side-bar that might be overshare. if i seem extra nervous lately...i am having a sort of frightening go of being stalked by a man that i ghosted on a dating app for being scary/very weird with me. :( i've blocked four separate numbers of him aggressively messaging me, demanding to speak with me...i am...um...worried i may have to go to the police soon...it is a very stressful situation for me. :////
so, ahaha! if you don't hear from me! dox me and find me, pls! /hj
on top of that, i'm still navigating a breakup with my ex who is my best friend who sometimes accidentally still acts like my boyfriend. also dealing with my physical health, trying to figure out what i want to do in this big wild world and in the future, which is scary. but!
irl is messy sometimes and that's okay. everything will work out. <3 )
but back to the tides of change! and how that affects me!
for me, nuance and change is important and crucial to my wellbeing. unfortunately, i am a hermit crab girl and if you don't pull me out of the crevice, snipping and snapping, i will hide forever and collect algae and dust on the ocean floor, stuck in my hurt/comfort zone.
for me...writing in general...is my hurt/comfort zone.
it brings me immense and infinite joy that so many of you enjoy the things i write, the universes i've created, the characters i adapted, my creative visions, my run-on sentences, and of course...me. <3
( i will say, a lot of fanfic authors are more ~anonymous~ i just wanted to be more down to earth with all of you, but as we saw from me melting down over pep...i was not really made for lots of eyes on me so the mortifying ordeal of being known is a little scary. its dumb, but i really do hope you all find me friendly and pleasant. )
in that vein, as a stanley marsh girl, i am also a people pleaser, scared to let people down and as a kyle broflovski girl, i am terrified of failing and not doing my best at the thing i do all the time. which...is bad.
for my brain and my mental health, mostly.
i'm finding that i am getting extremely overwhelmed with writing again which...i cannot tell you how frustrating that is. but i often bite off more than i can chew because i love you all so much and i want to deliver you this thing that you deserve more than anyone :(
and because of my excitement and your excitement about my fics, it makes me want to put my work out, but it puts me in a position where i start to rush and panic and spiral out of control. this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with my bad brain.
i find my being overwhelmed often comes hand in horrible hand with giving myself a deadline, making a crazy promise, setting a goal i might not reach, writing as work and not as pleasure.
i'm finding this is happening with nanowrimo which i wanted so badly to be fun, but actually is stressing me out so badly because i'm racing against the clock, terrified i won't finish even though i promised. my mental/physical health is suffering again as well as the quality of my work which...as you guys know well...i do not like to put out lowqual.
i feel like i'm going too fast and kind of stuck in a perpetual panic. which as far as nanowrimo goes, i did write my post on the 5th and really didn't start writing until a couple days ago, so really i should be allowed to write until dec 10th but...also...
...why does it matter?
sorry, this is kind of becoming my deranged existensial jersey journal, but like why the fuck am i punishing myself for actually no reason???
really...who gives a flying fuck about nanowrimo?
tbh, i think its less about the challenge and more about the fact that i make promises to you guys that i can't keep, which makes me upset because that's so...whackadoodle to not follow through. ugh! </3
but i think i'm going to bin the deadline...for now. and write...slowly. and maybe not write today or really, until i feel calm and happy again.
because right now, i am writing dialogue on the fly that is just...so not planned or confident. i'm feeling insecure about things not making sense and there being plot holes and too much mess, idk. very ew.
so i think i'm going to take a little breakski again...
sigh. :///
it sucks a lot but also...i have to remind myself that not everyone is writing two seperate fanfics with several chapters/story to go, with every chapter featuring very extensive detail and like multiple different scenes, totallying up to anywhere between 10-20k which, i'm finding is a lot more than most people are writing in their updates.
i've gotten anons about it and i hear you...like you are correct, i really do not give myself enough slack, credit or kindness and i'm trying to break that cycle...your messages do a lot of that carrying, thank you.
one of the main things i'm going to try to do besides being slow and taking a super long time if i need it with no punishment is...i think i am exiting my nina formatting era?
...weird, right? for one it was very taxing, very stressful but also...while creative, i literally just think it's overstimulating and not that helpful? i still like the spacing, italics, occasional underline/strike but i really think the rest of my fanfics are going to be close to bare.
i want my writing to speak more. i think doing all that dramatic, dizzying stuff with the text was a crutch/phase i'm growing out of.
i know a lot of you liked it and i am sorry i am axeing her...but at the end of the day...it was something that was way too laborious for me.
but! i will be okay! i am okay, friends! thats one promise i will make!!!
i know this was long, but i like to be immersive and honest with you.
please know i am working on pep12 and rm6p1. but for quality purposes and because i want to put out something you deserve to read and i was happy writing...it will take however long it takes.
my fear is that i'll finally post and you'll all be bored. but your many asks say otherwise! you are all so cute! i love you! i know i seem mean or scary in my asks, but i promise it's all for teehee hahas and i am nice and not scary at all. i cry everytime i hear a loud noise. lmao. :)
with that said! do nice things for yourself. unwind. do not hold yourself to any standard. do only what nourishes you. listen to your heart body and soul. and know i support you 100% of the way.
i hate thanksgiving ( lame ass trick ass fuck ass colonizer holiday even tho all the food is dank, i am a candied yam queen ) but i hope you enjoy the togetherness part that underlies it. i hope you see your family. but remember that family is not just the people you are born with, but are the people that you choose.
also know that if you feel alone during this fall/wintry stan season, that you have me, always. all my dms and my heart are open to you.
on that note, i am thankful for all of you this year. thank you for taking care of me and in turn, reminding and teaching me to take care of myself. i'm going to try not to repeat history and take a breath.
thank you for reading and as always, from what harms or pains you, past, present or future, from the bottom of my cold, black heart...
i love you and i hope you heal,
-uncle nina
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