#and sometimes i really need to wake up early and do stuff during daytime/office hours

[gilbirda]

#gil talks #kind of a vent post? #my relationship with sleep is complicated #i sleep when i pass out because i truly cannot sleep #falling asleep just because is foreign to me #i start crying in frustration #and sometimes i really need to wake up early and do stuff during daytime/office hours #because the world is not made for nocturnal people #anyway #anxiety is a bitch

[captainsbabysitter-blog]

Space Princesses and Coffee Dates: Ch 3

So here it is, y’all! The finale of my follower challenge fic for @yourtropegirl! I’m thrilled that everyone seems to be enjoying it as much as I have writing it.

First Chapter  Second Chapter

Pairing: McKirk

Rating/Warnings: E for everyone. Fluff’s ahoy. Maybe some secondhand embarrassment.

Length: 2965 words

Summary: They’ve been dating a while, and Len suggests something that makes Jim extremely nervous.

These dates became a weekly thing. Len would drop Jo off at his sister’s and then head right to Jim’s. In the morning, they’d head to the café, and it got to the point where the girls who worked the counter recognized them instantly. They tried to work their schedules so that they were both off, but there were a number of nights where Len wouldn’t show up until well into the night after a surgery that went sideways and took sixteen hours instead of ten. Those nights, Jim got a text at 1-2am full of apology and offers to just reschedule to which he always had the same response ‘Just get your ass over here already.’ The looks of sheer relief Jim got when he assured him it was fine and he understood both warmed his heart and broke it. Stories of Len’s first marriage crumbling around his med school and residency requirements ended up being a source of surprising insecurity for the usually self-assured man.

Jim saw it as an investment for when he himself would need to disappear into the books and business parts of owning the shop. Every quarter was a mess of accounting ledgers and receipts and inventory lists, and he knew he wasn’t easy to deal with during those weeks. The quarter end after they’d started seriously dating also signaled the need to stock his inventory of textbooks and update his contracts with the local universities to allow him to accept student ID cards as payment.

The days Len stopped by just to give him coffee from their café and a quick kiss before picking up Jo during those weeks acted as a soothing balm to his usually frayed nerves. It must have shown, because even Spock made note of the difference.

“You’re unusually sedate, Jim,” Spock commented as he poured through the ledgers and their balance sheets to locate potential mistakes. “I assume we have this doctor to thank?”

“Mmhm…” He was honestly too busy sorting receipts to process what was said. Once he got through his current stack, Jim glanced up at his friend and asked, “What was that?”

“Your boyfriend seems to be having a positive effect on your work ethic,” came the dry response. “We may actually finish early at the rate you’re currently working.”

“Yeah, well… I miss him,” Jim grumbled back. “And if I wanna see him sooner, we have to get this done, yeah?”

“Indeed. I’m pleased you have found a reason to stop getting distracted.”

“Why Spock… If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were congratulating me on my relationship.”

There was a quick uptick to the corners of Spock’s lips. “Then it’s a good thing you know better, Jim.”

~*~*~

Even with their studious dedication, it was still late when Jim left the back offices of the shop. He sent out a quick text, hoping that if Len was asleep he wouldn’t wake up. ‘Probably have one more day and then I’m all yours again. Wanna make plans?’

By the time he got a response, Jim was home and in the process of pulling on a pair of pajama bottoms (“accidently” stolen from Len when they were left behind about a month back).

‘Sounds good. I had an idea I wanted to run past you.’

‘Alright shoot.’

‘I want you to meet Jo.’

Jim stared at the screen in surprise. Up until now, they’d agreed that it would be best for them to put some mileage on their relationship before Len took the chance of introducing him to his daughter. Made sense, really. No point in getting a four-year-old attached if things might go south, but now that he thought about it they were coming up on something like six months now.

Was he ready? Jim didn’t have any experience with relationships lasting longer than a couple weeks, and it was never more serious than casual hookups. His fingers waited poised over the keyboard for another moment before he finally replied. ‘Can we meet and talk about it?’

‘Yeah. Up for coffee in the morning before you dive back into the books?’

‘Meet me at the café at 7? Spock’s not expecting me til 9, so it’ll give us some time.’

‘It’s a date.’

Jim didn’t sleep a wink. That whole night was spent wondering what would happen between him and Bones if Joanna didn’t like him. Would that be a deal breaker, or would Bones try to give them more time? What if she never liked him? After about an hour of those thoughts, Jim gave up and wandered over to his desk where he kept a side project to work on in his spare time.

Come 7am, Jim was waiting at their table when Len pulled up. He was putting some finishing touches on a sheet in a sketchbook and didn’t notice Len approaching at first.

“Did you sleep at all last night? You look like shit,” Len murmured as he leaned in for a kiss.

“Gee… Thanks, Bones,” he grinned against Len’s lips and put the sketches away. “I was thinking too much.”

“Something with the books? Or me wanting you to meet Jo?”

His tactic of using his coffee to delay answering could only work for so long. He shifted a bit in his seat before the confession finally spilled from his lips, “What if she doesn’t like me?”

Len paused in his own sip, cup lowered back to the table as he processed Jim’s question. “I think she’ll love you.”

“Yeah, but what if she doesn’t?”

“Well then all is lost and our relationship as we know it is doomed, Jim,” came the sarcastic reply. “She’s four. Ask her if she wants to be friends and she’ll probably say you’re her best friend in an hour.”

“Yeah, I guess… When would you wanna? I can’t this week since Ny’s covering the shop while Spock and I do the books, so I’ll need to cover her days off. I think… I think I have next Thursday? Yeah Thursday and Saturday.”

“You’re gonna be exhausted by Thursday,” Len points out. “How about you catch up on rest Thursday and we take Jo to the park that Saturday?”

“You have a Saturday off?”

“Geoff owes me one. Or a dozen. I’ll ask if he’d be willing to switch.” A glance at his watch brought a quick smile to his lips. “We still have over an hour before you have to be at the shop... We could make a quick stop at your place and I could drive you?”

“Morning quickie before work? Sounds like a good time to me let’s go.” Jim practically jumped out of his chair and raced Len to the car, waving at the girls inside as he passed the large front windows. Len followed behind him with a chuckle.

It was maybe a few minutes past nine by the time Jim walked through the door, but if Spock wanted to scold him for being “late” (and really… how can you be late when all you’re doing is paperwork?) he held it back. Must have been all that dedicated work Jim put in the previous days. He made a note to remember that for next time.

“Sorry I’m late. Bones and I had a quick breakfast date cuz he wanted to talk about me meeting his kid. Speaking of, I have the last pages if you could polish them up for me?” He handed over the sketchbook as he spoke.

“I can. When do you need it done by?”

“Before next Saturday, I think. Will that be enough time with all the paperwork and stuff we’re doing?” Jim worried at his lip a little. It was all really short notice, but if he could have it done for his first meeting with Jo it’d be perfect.

The confirmation was a simple “I can” as Spock packed the sketches away and pulled out the ledgers. “Are you ready to work now, Jim?”

Jim turned back to the last few remaining piles of receipts, paperclipped into piles by week and by month just waiting for him to sort and log and file with a resigned groan. “Yeah… Let’s get to it.”

~*~*~

Come the following Thursday, after working for a solid 13 days straight, Jim was singing Len’s praises for suggesting he might want that first day off to just be for sleep and relaxing. He didn’t move from his bed until almost noon and even then, it was just to putter around the kitchen making some breakfast and coffee. He spent the following few hours staring blankly at the TV as some subpar daytime show droned on.

Sometime around 3 or 4, he got a text from Spock. ‘It’s finished. I even bound it for you.’

‘You didn’t have to do that! Thanks Spock you’re the best. I’ll be over in a bit to pick it up.’

A few hours later found Jim flipping through a freshly bound book with a wide grin. Man, Saturday was going to be awesome.

What should have been a nice (if maybe a little chilly) Saturday turned into a surprise snowstorm. Their park trip turned into a day inside at Len’s. He’d called Jim to reschedule, but after over a week of barely getting to see his boyfriend for more than 10 minutes or so at a time, he wasn’t about to let a little snow get in his way. Besides… After a childhood in Iowa, what’s five inches of snow?

He realized about the time his teeth were chattering as he stood on Len’s doorstep sometime around noon that maybe his blood had thinned out a bit in the decade he’d been living in San Fran. When Len opened the door, he gave Jim a look that bordered somewhere between exasperated and fond before he motioned him inside.

“Get in here you idiot! You didn’t wear a heavier jacket?” When Jim was over the threshold and the door was closed, Len tossed the light jacket onto one of the pegs and took a moment to wrap him up in a warm hug. “You’ll freeze to death if you keep pulling stunts like that.”

After snuggling into Len’s arms and stealing as much of his warmth as possible, Jim leaned back just enough to give him a quick kiss before asking, “So where’s the munchkin?”

“Right here,” a small voice piped up. A little girl with a mop of brown curls peeked around the corner at him with Len’s entrancing eyes. She watched him intensely for a few moments before adding, “You’re Jim.”

“I sure am, princess! And you must be Joanna. Your daddy’s told me a lot about you.”

“He talks about you a lot, too.” Her smile was sly like she was sharing some important secret. She made her way over to Jim and motioned for him to lean in so she could whisper, “Daddy likes you a lot.”

“Hey, no secrets now!” Len scooped the giggling girl up into his arms and away from the puddles of melting snow on the floor. “Shoes off, Jim. Then Jo says we should have some hot cocoa.”

“Cuz I knew you’d be cold!” She announces triumphantly.

Jim admired the way Len beamed at Jo like she hung the moon for just a moment as he removed his shoes before agreeing. “It’s very chilly outside. Cocoa sounds great!”

He let himself be led through the house to the kitchen where they got cocoa for Jim and Jo and coffee for Len. The three of them settled on the couch to watch movies until neither Jo nor Jim could sit still any more. Len got the two of them bundled up (and yeah, so what if Jim enjoyed being wrapped up in a thick coat that smelled like his boyfriend) so they could run off some of their excess cocoa energy out in the snow. Jim figured it’d be a good time to show Joanna how much fun the frigid white stuff could be.

“So what do you wanna do first, Jo-jo?” Jim’s hands were planted firmly on his hips as he looked out over the pristine expanse of white. “Snow angels, snow men, or snowball fight?”

“Snow angel snow angel snow angel!” She yanked on his arm to pull him off into the yard. “Show me how?”

Despite trying his best to stay on the porch like the curmudgeonly old man, Len ended up joining them in rolling up the body of the snowman (with only a little grumbling about it melting soon anyway). One thing led to another and he found himself laughing as the three of them ran around the yard pelting each other with snowballs. Jim joined forces with Joanna to take Len down and it continued until all three were soaked through and shivering.

“The sun’s starting to go down and you know what that means, Jo.” He ignored her exaggerated pleas and gestured toward the house. “A warm bath and then bedtime for you, miss.”

Jim’s face lit up and he leaned in to butt her head with his own a little, “And I have a surprise for you if you can get all settled into bed.” He ignored Len’s confused look and instead smiled as Jo’s face lit up at the prospect.

“Okay, let’s go!”

After Jo had her bath and was all settled into bed, Jim followed Len in with the bag he’d picked up from Spock’s only two days prior. He sat himself on the edge of the mattress and schooled his face into a mask of full seriousness. “So did your daddy tell you how he and I met, munchkin?”

“Uh-huh! He met you at the storybook store.”

“And the second time he came in, he said you were looking for a book with space princesses.” At her enthusiastic nod, he continued, “Well… I wasn’t really able to find a book that fit your exact specifications, so I made you one that’s all yours and just for you. Want me to read it to you?”

Her eyes lit up like a thousand suns as she nodded. Jim glanced toward Len as he pulled the nicely bound book from its hiding place. He wasn’t sure he’d ever seen the man smile so widely before and made a private promise to himself to try and be the cause of it more often.

“Now this is a story about a space princess named Joanna,” he started as he opened up to the first page of simple words and beautiful watercolor illustrations.

Spock really outdid himself with the painting. In reality, Jim had only really expected him to do the bare minimum, but he’d gone out of his way to add things like flowers (“space flowers,” Jo was keen on correcting him) and simple backgrounds to the drawings Jim had provided. Jim really enjoyed reading out loud in the different voices he’d come up with for each of the characters. There was the space princess Joanna, the grumpy but warm-hearted space doctor, and the gallant space knight who came to rescue them both from the green-blooded alien monster who looked suspiciously like Spock (really it was an accident, he had insisted to his best friend).

Even with all the excitement revolving around her new book, the siren song of sleep after the exciting day eventually won over. Jim got her all tucked in and finally noticed Len was still in the room, leaning against the doorway and watching the two of them with what could only be described as sheet adoration.

They made their way back to the living room as quietly as they could and cuddled up on the couch, Jim’s head nestled against Len’s chest. Len once again wrapped him up in his arms and offered him a heart-melting smile. “You wrote her her own book.”

“Yeah, I did. I’ve kinda been working on it for a while now.” He nuzzled his still slightly chilled nose into the curve of Len’s neck to leach some of his warmth. “She seemed to like it.”

“She loved it and so did I. You really didn’t have to go that far to impress her, kid,” he teased, but tightened his arms around Jim in a gentle squeeze. “I’m not letting you make your way home tonight, by the way. The roads are awful and no one knows how to drive in this shit around here. I think Jo’d like to see you here for breakfast anyway.”

“Sounds good,” he agreed through a yawn. He wanted to stay up and enjoy spending some alone time with Bones, but who knew hanging out with a four-year-old would be so tiring? “I’m beat… Let’s head to bed?”

“That’ll require getting up, Jim.” Bones chuckled at the pathetic whine he got in response. Jim only had a second to prepare before he was suddenly lifted bridal style into Len’s arms and carried down the hall.

“Be still, my beating heart!” He announced with mock sincerity. The second he found himself tossed on the bed he reached out for Bones to come join him. “C’mon. Cuddle your needy boyfriend.”

Once Bones was settled and Jim draped himself over the man, limbs winding their way around Len’s. Bones let his forehead rest against Jim’s and mumbled, “Thanks for today. She seems just as smitten with you as I am.”

In the dim light streaming in through the window, Len could see Jim’s face break into a bright grin. “Smitten, huh?”

“Shut up and go to sleep before I smother you instead.”

“Sure thing, Bones. Night.”

Jim was just a few seconds from sleep when he was vaguely aware of Bones pressing a kiss to the top of his head. “Night, Jim.”

Tagging: @mccoymostly​ @thevalesofanduin @pinkamour1588 @auduna-druitt @emmkolenn @thinkwritexpress-official @southernbellestatues @thislovelymaelstrom

#why does mckirk happen to good people #mckirk #jim kirk #leonard mccoy #tia writes

[mindmmxvii]

Nein

Hello Blog, how’s your blogosphere? Is it chilly like our atmosphere? Do you even have seasons or weather over there? Well if you don’t you aren’t missing much right now, though I have to admit I’m partial to the warm. Funny how I was considering moving to a place known as the windy city then. Anyway, on to things of more substance.

See the doc

Help Sis make goal list (much like mine)

I woke up at 9 today, considering I went to bed after 1. Did a quick 7 min workout, showered and took Al back to my Dad’s house. Work went pretty smoothly. Monday’s are typically a slower catch up day and today was no exception. I went by my favorite client for our 10 AM Monday onsite visit and was greeted by cookies and oatmeal (weeee). I had lunch at home and made a few pit stops for work before showing up for my doctor appointment. I was strangely calm all things considering. I filled out the patient forms and waited for my NextDoor recommended doctor. When the doc came, I told him everything. Well everything that pertained to me medically.

I explained that for the past... 7 years? I have been slowly having more and more heart issues. I explained about the one weekend where I woke at 4 am due to my heart beating so rapidly... Up until the sleeplessness and chest pain recently. I explained how it has been a slow decline in my heart’s “stamina”, that doesn't usually affect me during the daytime but has plagued me during times of relaxation or sleep. I went over how I sometimes feel spasms in my muscles at times, how I would wake up with no pulse in one extremity and after moving around slowly geting it back, about how I would have pain in one leg in sync with my pulse that would slowly fade away, or the terrified race my heart would have during the day at the early stages. God thinking back I must have sounded like a mad man or a hypochondriac. Maybe I am? Honestly I’ve never written down all the “symptoms” I have had, I’m sure I could have gone on longer if I prepared.

He was exceedingly nice and went to great lengths to make me feel comfortable while I was talking. He even brought me tea. He then proceeded to take my pulse, blood pressure, then sent me down for an ECG and a Holter monitor. Now an electrocardiogram (ECG) is basically where they hook little probes up to your chest and monitor the electricity of your heart for a little bit. It gives you a quick snapshot of how your heart is pumping. The test was painless, just hooking cold gel things up to my chest and laying down. A Holter monitor is basically a longer version of an ECG. As I type this I have little probes attached to my chest that are recording every beat my heart makes. I’ll keep it on for 24 hours then give it back so they can go through the data. Oh last thing is blood work, which I will do tomorrow, provided they have openings for me. The ECG readings and other minor checks, are available right away, so walking back to his office had me... hopeful? I have had physicals and blood work in the past years but I never told anyone of my problems, so they never dug too deep. I wanted these results to come back quick and for him to say “Oh look, you have some heart disease!”. I just wanted to know the problem so I could fix it. Haha see I want to fix my hard problems now, instead of ignoring them.

I didn’t get that. My blood pressure was 110/60, heart was at 55 bps, and the ECG all looked normal. He said the ECG and heart beat was a little on the low side but that was normal for very healthy people. Honestly I’m not too surprised as I am feeling great today and plus why would one visit to the doctor magically find my problem? I needed to show them my problem when it was happening. Sleeping would do that. Playing video games will also do it. I’m not even going to touch that statement right now.. So much to examine with my priorities and where they were at... Ugg. Anyway, looking at me, you would think “oh he is a physically fit skinny person, there is nothing wrong with him!”. I’m sure that’s what the doc thought, as he then proceeded to prescribe me sleeping meds. He had mentioned them before when we were talking, maybe he thinks I am just trying to scam him for some pills? I was throwing symptoms around like a monkey who just found some poo. mrahh I’m a mess.

I left shortly after and I figured my only hope at this point is to try my best to have the most restless sleep of my life so they catch some weird shit tonight. Ha, first night in a long time I hope I don’t have a full nights rest. I decided that I deserve a little treat so I stopped by Penn Station on the way home. First time eating out, by myself, this year actually. I get a 12″ veggie, a small fry, and a cookie (don’t tell them but I always steal an extra cookie, I’m such a kleptomaniac). I stuff my face as soon as I get back to my basement and watch the newest It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia episode. Humm I’m content. So I suppose people are right when they say happiness is a full belly, because today is the first day I went over my calorie count! I did so fantastically, like almost 900 calories over (not counting my activity for the day). Fast food, and cookies, strike again.

I dive into my guitar and play for a couple hours. I’m feeling better at this point so I grab my sister and we talk major shop. We decided to make a list exactly like mine and slowly work toward some agreed upon goals. We got her signed up for GPG (Gateway Pet Guardians) and had some pretty exhausting conversations about her aspirations and where she sees herself in a year or two. It’s a slow thing but I think I am reeling her out of her fantasies. They are a great place but we can’t stay there for any meaningful amount of time without causing damage. Sometimes irreparable damage.

Now I’m sitting in bed after my normal bedtime activities wondering about what this means for me. I mean, I told someone about my issues, something well I never thought would happen. I told him and I’ve told you blog. Well I really havn’t actually. I haven’t told you, Blog, the reasons that brought me here. How when it first was happening, when I would pace for hours till I thought my heart would calm down the entire time wide eyed and freaked. How I told my Dad and he said it was nothing to worry, just to deal with it, that we didn't want the ER visit expenses. At the time I was not insured for health care. I haven’t explained how 6 months later I finally found a job and had money to afford health care, then about 3 months later I mustered up the courage to see some one and admit my problem. I saw a doctor my family has been to who ran some tests (ECG I think and something else that x-rayed my heart) and gave me a pep talk about how I was most likely going to die. Honestly the entire talk seems like a fever dream at this point. I don’t remember a lot of the finer details but he made my situation seem like it would lead to a short lifespan. That doctor died a short time after that and I haven’t told anyone else of our conversations. I haven’t thought about that day in a long time. I dwelled on it so much at the time, and as time went on I just wanted to ignore it. 

I was more of a carefree person but I changed to a more focused and analytical person after that. I honestly had faced the prospect of death before that day, on the numerous occasions I had thought I may be dieing when I would have one of my episodes. I was slowly but surely coming to grips with my own death. I didn’t want to die, just if it happened, it happened. I wasn’t going to sit around worrying about it when I most likely didn't have time to spare anyway. As I was saying, things became more clear. If they didn’t help me in the short term, then why was I doing them? College? Not worth it. Investments? Nah. Marriage? Irrelevant. I wasn’t a psychopath or uncaring though. I found I really couldn’t be completely selfish. I ended up taking out two life insurance policies, why burden my family financially when I’m gone? Marriage wasn’t for me but I still got the most out of longer relationships, so I had two 3+ year relationships since that time. Both were still ruined by me and choices that favored the short term.

We are all still animals and subject to the bodys wants. I have sexual urges and I figured with my new outlook on life, I should act on them as much as I wanted. I could end up hurting people but in the end I could just move on, it’s not like I could have built something to last even if I wanted to. I worked on things that mattered to me and ignored many of the problems in my life for a long as I could. I was a wholly good person, but I sometimes did things because I wanted to get the most out of my experiences. If I ever got the urge to do something that may upset someone, I put myself first and acted.

Man blog, I feel like I am rambling now. Glad you could listen to me drone on forever. Well things came to a climax recently and I fucked up so majorly, it flipped my switch. I mean I think I actually want to live. It’s like typing those words gave them new meaning, like they aren’t fragile anymore, they won’t just float away. I figured I’d be dead by now back when I first made my decisions, but here I am typing away, apparently a very healthy person according to my doc. 

I’m not afraid anymore. To care and cherish, to embrace my feelings I cut off so long ago, to explore what the rest of my life could hold, to just plan for more than what I can get right now. It breaks me to say these things though because I may have health issues. I’m not sure what I would do if I was told all over again that my long term plans would most likely be fruitless, that these big questions didn’t need answering, that love isn’t for me. I’m sitting here crying I don’t want to lose this. I don’t want to lose her. maybe I need support but I’ve made sure I’m doing this alone. Why does this hurt so bad?

Ha I didn’t mean to offend you blog, you andI are in this togther. Typing things out to you is... it’s collecting my thoughts and giving me time to process them. You are invaluable to me now blog and I would hate to lose you. Well look at me. It’s past 1 AM again. Ah I thin I’ve split enough of my guts, I need sleep. Horrible horrible restless sleep. My bed is so empty now I can spread out and never touch another soul.

to cheers -mind