#and like i didnt even do that on purpose it was likely more kf a subconcious thing

[this-should-do]

already made a post about this but im still obsessed with the use of color in hl and the reversal of the typical blue=good guy and orange/red=bad guy

#was thinking about this again while reading nyms comment on my fanart of their fic #and how they brought up the cool tones i used for the flashback vs the warm tones in the present #and like i didnt even do that on purpose it was likely more kf a subconcious thing #cuz like i Did do that pruposefully for my point insertion comic #where i used the warm beige tones for unknown but safe zone vs the cool blue for danger and combine #and in the fancomic the flashbacks are all in cool/blue tones which all depict the harm the combine has wrought and its influence #vs the wamr of the present post occupation and the i fluence of gordon as figure head of the resistance #and its like YEAH im a genious for doing that #maybe its just becum an unconcious thing for me sicne i do it so much in my art and art i plan to do for hl #like god i just really love color and all the meaning it can bring #as well as contrast both light vs dark but also just opposing colors in general #iwillspeakincessantly

[myownprivatcidaho]

hiii sia how are u today? how are things w ur crush how's life in general ? luv u <3 💞💓💘💗💕💝

HI REY :DDD im doing p good. one kf my classes i signed up for was an 8 week speedcourse that i didnt realize was 2x fast until it was too late ajdndjd but the final exam was yesterday so im feeling good about and thats one less class to worry about now!

my CRUSH. hmmm so last wednesday was one of those things that didnt rlly hit until in retrospect. i put more effort into just. engaging with him more (and wore my slutpants on the last day possible before it gets cold beyond the point of no return) and at first it felt like he was ignoring me but then he.sat next to me (again in retrospect on purpose and kinda indiscreetly ajdjfjdjd he was about to sit in the row in front and then just conveniently saw a pencil on the floor kinda in front of me and was like "is this someones pencil?" and then picked it up and sat down right next to me. bless him it was clumsy but a nice save i like him so much) and i stg this guy is fucking CRAZY like at this point we're just playing around without even TALKING like full on flirting like its a game to see how much we can do without outright acknowledging the. like we'll purposefully mirror each others body language he wasnt even TRYING to be discreet about checking me out and. okay OKAY okokok. two important things about this guy

1) hes a fast learner

and

2) he returns favors

so like whenever he could like if he was checking me out (cause he knows im purposefully doing all this bullshit cause i know he likes it) hed flex his hands cause he knows EYE like it and thats like. catching on really fucking fast. i hate him i want to kiss him. anyways if nothing happens before the end of the semester i WILL ask him out on the last day it WILL HAPPEN!!!

but yeah tytytyty for asking overall things are good. HOW are you doing hows life for you?? i hope thingsre good for you too mwah💞✨💞✨

#rey tag #jostengf #mutuals #archived.crush #:DDDD #OH AND he made some rlly funny jokes and holy shit im still laughing over them hes SO funny i like him so much 🥰🥰🥰

[queencryo]

i do kind of wish i could draw, so i could make my visions and scenes and stranfe creatures i see out of the cotner kf my eye and the gnawing certainty thats not a human, like. expressable and observable by others. (im trying not to sound like im like. being weird on purpose i just think aboht things a lot and see things sometimes).

photography os kinda dope bc i can express *some* of those. but. mostly only stuff like 'the loneliness of an empty chair at my mom's dining room table' and 'the strangeness of only one tree being lit here'. but its super hard to photograph things like 'watching from your car as a stranger vomits blood on the sidewalk until they die'!!!! and like!!!! if i could draw i could maybe draw those things UGH!!!!!

the prob w srawing is like. theres a *waaaayyyyy* lower skill floor. And also it takes way mire practice. drqwing has to be like your THING, and... i dont think im the kind of person that *can* have a thing, at least not for more than a few days or weeks (if at all). Otherwise, i feel like id make... *bad* drawings, rhat didnt adequately represent what i see.and thats horrible!!!! w photography even if im not super good at it yet i can at least *sometimes* produce the vision i see.

#blog #warbli g #warbling #photography #art #i dont like. hallucinate a ton or mahbe ever #i just see a lot of things out of the cotner of my eye that arent there #and. seperaye thing. sometimes i look at sonething and i see something else from what other people see

[the-empathetic-daydreamer]

It has been said that when I was 25 I suffered a heart attack or the like, yet another mystery that is me.

Possibly since then, time has been nothing but a vicious cycle of fear for me. Myy aunt would tell me that she didnt think id live to be 35 let alone my poor moms age of 42 when she passed away. Possibly my aunt may have even suggested age 30, but i do not recall. I have always been living my life at warp speed because one day its going to be over. something or someone or God himself is gunna call game over and that will be it. I have to make a difference. I have to put a smile in faces or hearts, make someone feel better, imprint on my children, leave some kind of legacy behind.

Ho estly i started fearing death way before my mother died and would beg God to let me live long enough to have sex and have a child. I feared the end kf the world, rapture, etc. I feared the nonexistence of time in any form and I do not recall sleeping all that well because when i opened my eyes the next morning I was still in hell. Since i never learned to get out of it, my life followed that path. I truly wonder how maby nonhellous days i had or waking moments, in my whole sum of the last 16 years, if not 25.

Maybe that is why the sadness creeps in. Im tired and worn out and alone. or frustrated and overwhelmed. Literally a million things to do before I die and sleep or enjoy the moment just isnt possible unless I have Jonathans hand or skin against mine, ir his eyes. For the first time I found a way to stop the hurricane in my mind and control it. but life is busy, which means I have to find a way to connect this or do it on my own. without numbing, sleeping meds, or blocking.

But i worry so much about time and if theres enough. And as soon as the sadness hits I become even more sad. Sad that it came back. that im wasting time. that life isnt more enjoyable. and that its downright exhausting. Living, esp coupled with sadness and anxiety is fucking exhausting. Lets add 2 wild boys, a troubled teen, single mom fighting to financially sirvive, and getting divorced. Yeah. Im tired. When Im tired it switches to sadness almost instantly. its why i have on many occasions begged people not to read my expressiobs when im tired. the more tired, the wya more innacurate its gunna be too. I would be willing to lay my life down for you but if im sad and tired you might think i hate you or im a bitch. Sadness has no filter with me. I need to severe its bond. Find a way to verbalize that Im tired and say fuck it. Im not sad im just extremely tired and now im going to take me time and go to bed. Instead, sometimes i wait til tears start falling. sometimes its unavoidable. there isnt enough time or help on this great planet to make my life in perfect synrony. however if Jonathan wants to try to attempt the challenge, kudos baby, Im all yours and Im listening.

But anyways, time is like sadness to me. I mourn something before its even over and sometimes before its even started. Like the time I realllly wanted to have sex with this one guy but i knew I was gunna end up getting hurt, and what happened? Nothing. literally. Okay thats not true, we kept making out but you get the point.

I am tired of being pulled by the past and the future. And yet havibg the present exhaust me to tears. While i worry on top of it all if im ever gunna achieve any sort of purpose in my life or be all talk. So yeah, that. That is exhausting, disheartening, and just sucks. It is why I spiral when alone because I will sit and chase a thought. Not cool, Sara, not cool.

Now that i am more aware maybe there are some baby steps i can take to change it. I am strong. I am wild. I am woman. I am brave. I am kind. I am loving. I am resilent. And dammit if anyones gunna make it, survive, change their story, or create some kind of legacy then fuck its gunna be me and Im gunna embrace the resources and people God has blessed me with. But first, someone please either show me how not to be so sad and tired, or just hold me a little while. Both maybe? That would be lovely.