#and im like thanks i kinda figured thats how you would use a template but i kinda wanted to make my own

[callia-evergreen]

god i really want to get back into making cosplay/costume stuff but everything sounds overwhelming i dont even know how to articulate why its just. i havent actually done it very much and its hard

i usually get my mom to help me figure out how to do this stuff but its like. she has a full time job and even less of a clue than i do at making this kind of stuff. (other than sewing which she has mostly just made clothes)

id love to try to figure out how to do this stuff on my own or maybe find some people to actually help or at least to takl about it with or SOMETTHING but theres like. not really a community locally and im betting that even if there were regular meetups id do a horrible job of actually showing up if it wasnt something mandatory like school

i feel like im always overestimating how much i can do and how well i can do it and so even when i make something cool its still sorta frustrating.. and mostly its just so much work and then i get relatively little use out of it too

i dunno i have several projects i still need to finish and many many more that ive never started. lol. but i still feel like maybe it would be cool to try to do something. i feel like i want to make some dragonish type thing like horns or tail or something but i feel like i dont know where to start. maybe horns would be more doable cause tail seems like it would need a whole fuckin thing underneath to stay on, and apparently people just use headbands for horns? ive only ever made small forehead horns but big ones would be cool maybe but they seem difficult to balance and have them stay on

sorry this is probably hard to read but i just need to type this shit out somehwere to actually think about it i guess. screaming into the void or whatever with the small chance that someone might actually see it and maybe be able to offer some advice i dunno.

i know theres templates online for some of this stuff but it would be nice to be able to figure it out myself too. to be able to make stuff in more specific and different shapes and stuff

#just feeling really frustrated about random shit and i think trying to do something like this might be fun and maybe help a bit #but at the moment all its doing is making me more frustrated #its like i can picture some of the steps but mostly its just like. start -> ???? -> end steps -> finish -> fun #and thats Not Helpful #and all the videos i can find are just like. here print out this specific template and fucking. glue it together or whatever #and im like thanks i kinda figured thats how you would use a template but i kinda wanted to make my own #bleh blech idk i deserve a tail and horns and wings. optionally when it would be fun and when they would not get in the way #ooo also fangs and claws #technically i have some vampire fang caps but they dont fit very well and they make me feel like im wearing really itchy dentures #i need to refit them again sometime maybe #also i really should redo my nail polish. that might be good #something something visual of having claws without them actually getting in my way #anyway.

[zenyattasperceptrons]

one thing i struggle with a lot is like, the difference between opening up to others and burdening others? and... i do think some of it lies simply in.. frequency, and having a balance in that relationship (i mean unless you’re talking to a therapist or something then go wild) but i do think theres a tone to that conversation too?

idk i used to do it to myself, where i would be like “ugh im really sad about this thing” and then think about how sad i was about that BUT THEN ALSO how sad i am about THIS OTHER THING and THIS ONE and THIS ONE AND AND AND

and just pile shit on! over and over! and that’s... it’s ... weirdly satisfying in a way, because i think depression brain has this itch to feel miserable that i can’t really...explain that well (obviously i dont mean to say people Want to feel miserable! but uh, it can kind of, in some ways, be an improvement over feeling like. like nothing?) and it took me a good long while to just... notice im doing that and go ‘nope, uh uh,’ and yank myself out of it. and it was not a comfortable thing to do. but i dont really do that anymore! I developed different habits and don’t pile shit on like that! which is nice! in its own way

so i think you can... do that when you’re talking to friends. it turns into a dumping spiral and you just pile more and more on and you feel way worse for doing it and your friend probably feels. a little hopeless for not being able to do anything about it (because they cannot. they literally do not have the ability to do anything about that spiral)

and thats. eh. that’s not super great. that’s not even something you’re supposed to do to a therapist though obviously it’s not like, morally wrong, it’s just...not the right path to go down if you would like to handle feelings better.

the other way to do it feels more like... god it, takes a whole lot of like... knowing yourself? and realizing what it is youre upset about or even that you’re just feeling sad and aren’t actually upset about anything in particular (VERY HARD TO TELL THESE APART)

but i. the successful thing i had with this recently is i just. i realized i was upset about something but wasn’t really...equipped to deal with it at the moment. so i compartmentalized that away and BOY i felt super dissociated for the rest of the day! which was! sure an interesting thing to connect like, wow, denying your emotions actually has consequences and That’s Where That Feeling Comes From (this sounds sarcastic but that was legit the first time i put those two things together)

but i came home and i sort of, talked to myself about it? and went “Hey here’s what upset us, what about that was upsetting” and figured it out and wrote some stuff down and after a few paragraphs kinda, got down into it and went “oh okay, that’s why that feels so bad” and accepted that and cried about it and told myself “yeah that’s fucking rough, you’re right to be upset about it, though i do understand also why you might feel guilty for being upset, or guilty for your reaction. those are also reasonable things to feel even if I don’t think you are Obligated to feel them” and i

i didn’t feel Good afterwards, but i felt much more...genuinely sad? which is. hard to describe. but. like theres Depression Sad which is just kinda this slime that sticks on you everywhere and drags you down and just kinda sucks. But then Genuine, Honest Sad is. Like that thing you try to do by watching a sad movie? It’s this chilly bucket of cold water and like man it doesn’t feel Good or Happy by any means but like, you know for a fact that you’re gonna dry off and warm up again. You know you’re experiencing this now and not trying to pretend like you’re not and in a little bit it’s gonna go away and you’ll probably feel less slimy then, too, cause that icewater washed some of it off,

so i think that’s! the tone you can take with friends too? instead of dumping just. “i felt this and it really sucked” and they agree with you that it sucked and you have a cry about it and afterwards you say “thank you for talking to me about this i think i’m gonna be okay” (assuming, of course, that your friend is good at Listening and Support Words, which are difficult skills to pick up as well)

which. mm. i dont think conversations are always gonna go that way. i think sometimes you process something, or even get halfway through it and suddenly go “no no i can’t handle this right now” and that’s...fine too. that’s Morally Okay and simply a part of the process.

But... that’s kind of the ideal of the conversation. And I think keeping that in mind is a good template for when you want to Share A Feel but are worried about burdening someone.

(And also keep in mind it can feel really good for the other person to to have their friend trust them enough to talk to them about this kind of stuff. It brings people closer together and even if it’s a little bit uncomfortable at first, I think it feels really nice afterwards.)

#I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE THESE THOUGHTS ARE VERY SHORT AND CONCISE AND THEN IT TURNS INTO THIS #caps -- #in any case... depression blogging ... #(recovery blogging.) #hiddenlayer.txt