#and i'm SO FUCKING LUCKY that i can and that i have a job that allows me to buy these

[an-assortment-of-forks]

there are doctors there are hospitals there are specialists there is medicine there are systems in place so people do not have to suffer and be tortured under their own chronic pain daily and yet. they're all fucking inaccessible to the people who need it most!!! to what I would argue is most disabled people!! I'm so fucking done with the medical system.

#today is an absolutely wretched pain day that makes me want to not be here anymore but guess what! #wasted a whole year trying to convince my doctors I was in significant and disableing pain daily and the best they could do #is tell me to go to PT and to wait 6 months and tell them if it gets better #to prescribe some shit like gabapentin or otc pain meds and write me off #tell me they'll get new X-rays to see if it got worse by the summer #disability exists!! specialists exist! good doctors fucking exist!! somewhere!!! I'm sure!! #but here I sit. in excruciating amounts of pain unable to convince any fucking doctors of anything #and that year I spent pushing myself to the limit is wasted bc at the very end of it all only one guy listened to me #and he said no one in their giant ass facility could diagnose me #so I'm back to square one bc I got a new job which means new insurance and new doctors to try and convince again #I just want to be on disability so i can want to be alive again #I'm so frustrated and in pain constantly #what are people like me who have to work 40hrs to afford to live but don't have any family to rely on supposed to do?? #just die? am i supposed to continue to work until im too disabled to move and be profitable unless i get lucky? #bc some fucking doctor finally decides to actually listen??? #ive tried ALL THE DAMN TRICKS TOO. telling them a friend has it and thats how i found out. that my previous doctor was looking into it #etc etc #I'm SO done living like this i am exhausted. #and to know that i COULD BE HELPED. RIGHT NOW. is the worst fucking part #these systems are in place so people like me dont have to fucking suffer. #but i cant even do anything about it bc i have a cat.

[buppypuppy]

.

#vent post essay ahead lol #having complexes about talking about your emotions is literally the fucking devil . its miserable. it sucks so bad. #the aamount of damage that is caused to someone by like #i mean im talking abou t me here obviously. #being the person whose like. overall ultimately tends not to feel horrible as often is like. #it's nice not feeling bad emotionally all the time but also it's like. i develop this complex about being like able to help. #i don't feel bad anywhere near as often as my friends so i can help them out and listen to them vent i can have the mental room to #like listen to them talk about their problems. yeah. but it makes me feel like. well this is my job now so i shouldn't fucking talk about m #i shouldnt vent when i feel bad because that's not what i'm known for. plus my friends already all feel worse than me more often than me. s #i don't want to dump any more on their plate than they have to deal with. i don't want to burden them anymore than i have to. and like it's #it's hard. i hate fucking talking about it and it's made so much worse when its like people i love . always been a fucking problem becaus #i just feel fucking horrible admitting that i feel bad i hate that so much. i don't want to like turn away people who care about me but li #i feel like if i tell them what's wrong with me i'll like do it anyways. i feel like i come off as super normal and happy go lucky and like #ostensibly fine. so when i admit this shit its like. oops the facade is cracking!!!!!! uh oh uh oh you can't help people so you feel bad!!! #because your fucking npd has made you feel self centered in a way that means you want to help people or some shit i dont fucking know #and so when i feel bad or get mad over something unreasonable it's like. well i hope i fucking keel over and die or something i dont like . #i don't want people seeing me like this or whatever. and my stupid fucking personality disorder just ruins every god damn thing its so bad. #my past experiences giving me complexes that lead to me feeling fucking left out over like small stupid stuff but god the worst part is lik #my brain categorizing something as being ''My Thing'' so somebody else talks about liking my thing AFTER my brain has designated it mine #makes alarm bells go off and feel like theyre fucking. i don't know encroaaching on my turf or what the fuck ever? it SUCKS ASS #it makes me feel HORRIBLE . and it's like i'm not gonna fucking bring it up because i don't wnt to be like a dick but also it's like well. #i feel fucking miserable about this but it's just like mean and unnecessary and cruel to like stifle people's fucking fun because of my dum #fuckin complexes. it's fucking constant. like oh look at you girl you feel fucking left out because you never get characters who really gri #you mentally and so now you have one but oops! someone else talked about them and now you're seeing red! you like this person though #so you're gonna feel fucking MISERABLE about this . you're gonna feel HORRIBLE because of this. and there's nothing you can fucking do #and it controls my goddamn life and i HATE IT i fucking HATE IT i wish i knew how to fix it. ghghrgurghrughruhg i want to fucking explode #and then you feel bad about feeling bad because you are fucking sisyphus. you're sisyphus. and your own anger is your boulder. you ingrate. #i hate this. i just wanted to have a good day. #jane mary cry one tear

[justinefrischmanngf]

i taught this kid last night who can be such a menace sometimes but i adore him like he was working on spelling and he was really struggling with "contentedly" and it took him a few tries to get it and we went through it together and you could just see him working so fucking hard at it and then he spelt it right on his own and he just lit UP, just pure fucking joy and he was real quiet about it but so clearly delighted it was just so so gorgeous to see

#i love my job like . at the end of the day i fucking love my job i love these kids i love that i can teach them i love that i'm decent at it #i love finding out what works for different kids and i love helping them achieve something that they want to achieve #i love working through things with them and being someone who can be there for them in some small way #my friend tells me that they've never known someone who likes their job so much as i do and like . i believe it because i really do just #fucking love it i'm so lucky to have found it it's insane #it's such an honour to be able to help a kid it's such an honour to be liked by a kid it's all so fucking beautiful

[qilinkisser]

uuuUUGHGHGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

#vents 🌧️ #I'm so fucking MAD #I've been seeing SO many fucking valentines day drawings today and I wanted to join in so badly #but I have my stupid fucking homework #and my mom said that if I get my homework done I can have 'a few minutes' of time #A FEW FUCKING MINUTES #yeah. great. so I can make a shitty doodle that nobody bothers to interact with #on the ONE fucking day I was hoping to get some attention #is that selfish? yeah it absolutely is. but I don't care. everybody's so fucking sick of me in real life #is it so bad that I want everyone to see me here? everyone to tell me how good I'm doing #I just want people to tell me I'm doing a good job #I'm failing all my classes in school. I have a terrible social life. I fall asleep constantly and I'm never fun to be around irl #all my parents do is nag me to do the homework I have no willpower to do and yell at each other outside my door #I'm doing a really shitty fucking job in real life. maybe if I got some imaginary fucking internet points I'd feel a little better #I don't care if it's selfish. I want to feel wanted. I want to feel admired. I want everyone to see me and think I'm doing so good #I've got nothing else. art's the last thing I'm good at. it's so fucking over for me. this is it. #it's rock bottom isn't it? my meds still aren't working. my dad is relentless in his anger. my mom is at her wits end #my friends at school give me maybe half of the love I give them if I get really lucky #my teachers are so fucking tired of me #who the fuck gives a shit anymore. this all feels so fucking pointless #who cares about regents or sats or college or jobs or anything. that's it. I give up. this is it for me. #I don't know how it's supposed to get better. #I'm so fucking sorry. I'm liveblogging an absolute spiral on here. I'm so sorry #if you read all the way down to here.. I'm not in trouble. I'm not going to do anything bad. you don't have to worry about me. #I'm just. so. tired. #I should probably delete this later.

[sherlock-is-ace]

.

#i need to do some brain working out to try to get stronger and not overthink things #but i am upset and feeling very anxious rn (: #i came back from the optician (which i was dreading) and just started sobbing #i'm so overwhelmed right now you have no idea #i went to get my new glasses which were SO FUCKING EXPENSIVE like waaaaay more than i thought #and i don't have much choice of frames either because of all the shit that go into my lenses #but the choices i had today where not only very few but also ugly as fuck #but literally had no choice cause i don't have money and i had to get the cheapest frames to sort of balance how expensive the frames are #and what makes me feel like a piece of shit is that i'm complaining about ''ugly frames'' and whatever when i am able to get them #like i was able to do all the tests i needed to get done i am able to go and buy the glasses with the graduation and the prism and everythi #and i'm SO FUCKING LUCKY that i can and that i have a job that allows me to buy these #and that my family doesn't have to pay them (cause we couldn't) #and i feel like a dick for complaining cause i can fix my eyesight (to an extent) with glasses and i'm not actually blind or anything #but it also sucks that i have to spend literally all of my money just to be able to see #i'm trying so hard to get in the mindset that i'm not getting these glasses for fashion but as medicine #like if i needed a wheelchair it wouldn't be for fashion either #these are aids to help me be healthy and safe and not get run over by a car #even if they look like shit #but you know i'm conflicted :/ #angel talks #personal

[wizardlyghost]

this fucking course is such bullshit the damn online test thing just tested me for an entirely different topic (that i was unable to access), nitpicked my wording for no reason (i entered "safety/cut resistant gloves". the 'correct' answer? "gloves". ffs.), and marked me as wrong on one question bc whoever built the shitty 3d section of the test made the mistake THAT THE TEST IS SUPPOSED TO BE TEACHING US NOT TO MAKE. IN A 3D MODEL NOT EVEN A REAL BUILDING CHRIST ON A STICK. the human instructor is fucking amazing but this new online-based curriculum is shitty and half-assed as fuck.

#i am minorly disappointed i didn't do this before this year but SUPER glad i didn't leave it any later #the impression i get is that they're trying to semi-automate the course to be Hip and With It and also cut back on staffing costs maybe #but the people doing it don't have any fucking clue what they're doing when it comes to computer systems #so half of it's broken and they're like outsourcing a bunch of it to fucking youtube instructables i wish i was joking here #and you have to enroll in each topic individually but some topics reference others so if you have one but not the other you're fucked #and you can't just enroll in all of them the instructor has to open enrolment individually & give you the password for that window #this is a trade we're studying for btw it's hands on stuff that should be taught by humans who you can ask questions #and i'm super lucky that my instructor is actually good at his job but oh my god #the secondhand shame in this man's eyes every time something stupid breaks on the website. heartbreaking.

[arielmagicesi]

hey, do you want to lose money AND your will to live all for the opportunity to make very little money doing a job that everyone warns you will sap you of your will to live? try applying for teacher certification oh my GOD

#i feel like the world's rudest idiot because i finally went full 'i want to speak to your manager' on the njedcert people #because i had no other options!!!!! #and after a while of trying i got a phone call from an extremely nice woman (apparently the only reasonable person who works there) #who was so helpful and nice and finally told me all the information i should have been given 3 months ago #i guess if i wasn't dealing with [redacted family emergency things] #and if i had a degree in the NJEdCert Portal from Bureaucratic Bullshit University #then all of this would have been sooo obvious and i wouldn't have needed to call and email everybody on earth #begging them to explain things to me #but like. it is weird how confusing it is! it is weird how much effort i had to put in! #i'm a young millennial! i should not have had this much trouble navigating this online portal or whatever the fuck! #THERE IS A TEACHER SHORTAGE. THIS SHOULDN'T REQUIRE THE TWELVE LABORS OF HERCULES TO FIGURE OUT #aaaaahhhhh it's fine it's FINE!!! it's fine #i spent so much money and screamed a lot. not at the people working there. just during my nightmares #but it's fine. i can finally get the certification to do the unpaid student teaching so i can maybe later get a different certification #to do the paid teaching. which i'm sure will pay so so great #and so equivalent to the effort i put in and the way i'll be treated at that job #the new jersey education system is lucky that teaching is my 1 passion and that i'm really good at it and that i love it #because otherwise i would've given up and become the joker by now #written by me

[dimiclaudeblaigan]

The worst thing about my brain being an autopilot grammar nazi is that every single time I see people misuse “it’s” and “its” as well as apostrophe placements is that I don’t want to be rude and correct people... but my brain still is like UGH THIS IS THE WORST.

“It’s” and “Its” are more just my brain going weeo weeo on me when that’s a more understandable one bc “its” is literally the exception to a rule (because “it’s” actually means “it is”, so to avoid it being used for two meanings the apostrophe is removed for ownership cases), but when I see apostrophes before an S for plural wording and I know they speak English properly I’m just like. ugh. damn. bruh. please. go back to school.

Less severe cases of incorrect apostrophe use tends to be like, when people are playing Heroes and have duplicates of units and are like “my Ike’s” instead of “my Ikes”, because I think people are trying to... make it more clear that it’s referring to more than one? I think? Maybe? Or they literally just don’t realize it’s incorrect grammar, idk lol. Still can’t get past my weeo weeo autopilot brain though sadly.

LIKE. IT’S NOT ANYONE’S FAULT THAT MY BRAIN IS WEEO WEEO, IT JUST IS.

Which speaking of Heroes, FE in general seems to have its script in every single game ever coded to always use apostrophes for ownership cases even when the word ends in S, so don’t worry folks. IntSys isn’t getting off scot free from my brain either LOL. No amount of “princess’s” is ever gonna fly with my weeo weeo brain.

this has been a psa

mainly a psa of my brain weeo weeos

#DCB Comments #but the absolute worst offenders are people who overuse apostrophes and like #don't know how to write the plural of a word. today I saw someone write horse's to indicate more than one more horse #and I think the darkest depths of my soul finally cracked at the sight shjfgjhgs #this wasn't someone who speaks in broken English either or anything. they know how to speak the whole language just fine #also the other worst thing about my grammar brain is that I could absolutely get a job teaching English based on my knowledge alone #but I don't have an uwu master's degree uwu so getting teaching jobs even as freelance work is basically impossible #the world decides your worth based on how much you were willing to pay an institution for a certificate #and doesn't base you on your actual worth or knowledge so yeah that's great #can't wait until we're in an anime or video game where society's young decides that's bullshit and we're totally over it and rebel sjkfghju #also you know how you see those posts of ppl being like forget what you learned in school? yeah no don't do that with grammar #to an extent it's one thing (the really stupid ''rules'' like don't start a sentence with x word) and some of it was over the top #but there ARE actually legit reasons for some of those grammar rules; it's just that schools fail to teach them properly #I was extremely lucky to have very amazing English teachers for the most part ngl bc most schools don't teach even basic shit well #at least in my country. even in my school the stuff they taught was shit lol I just got very lucky to have great English teachers #but like for instance run on sentences are usually seen as an issue in writing because people lose their understanding of the sentence #if the sentence goes on too long with too many thoughts you'll probably forget what it was even about in the first place #if it's a WRITING style like a book or a fanfic or whatever it can make sense in some cases you just have to be thoughtful abt it! #but rly like I see people who can't even write basic English grammar who can speak it fluently and I'm like #what the fuck are these schools doing??? bc I can tell you what they're NOT doing e.e #this isn't limited to gen z btw I see ppl around my age who do this stuff with grammar too so... yikes #in fact I see people OLDER than my generation doing it too like... my own mom lmao #I'M SORRY I JUST HAD TO GET THIS OUT IT'S BEEN EATING AWAY MY EXISTENCE FOR MANY YEARS

[dredshirtroberts]

affirmations for myself:

there are lots of jobs, i am qualified for them. there are lots of jobs, i am capable of doing them. there are lots of jobs, they are out there. there are lots of jobs, i can get one. i am just as good as the next person for the jobs i will apply for, and if they do not pick me then there are lots of other places to be picked at. I will find something.

#hi i'm job hunting and it remains terrifying! #but needs must and i have been incredibly lucky to have been able to take time for myself #and there are things out there that i am capable of doing that are not going to push me beyond my limits #and also even some that i might enjoy doing! #i'm poking around on indeed first and then i'm going to get an idea of what i'm going to apply for so i can re-do my resume #and tailor any cover letters necessary #gotta say this process is a lot more intimidating without nepotism to help guide the way #only done it this way a couple of times and i am not looking forward to that! #where's my guy on the inside? where's the person who's going to vouch for me that they already trust? #come on i gotta have like an uncle or someone somewhere right? right??? #(to be clear i have no actual desire to work with friends/family ever again) #(but it does fucking help in the Getting There process)

[ask-80s-rinandlen]

#kagamine len #kagamine rin #vocaloid #rinlen #rinxlen #lenrin #lenxrin #okay not gonna lie my job is really starting to effect my mental health to the extreme #like since February ive had at least 3 manic episodes 2 major depressive episodes and at least 2 mixed episodes #And they just keep piling shit on me and indirectly tell me its not enough #then i heard through the grape vine that our raises (which would only be 3% if we're lucky) might just be a one time bonus #if thats the case and i miss out on a 401k increase and get taxed at least 40% on this fucking bonus then idk what the fuck im going to do #i definitely have to go see a therapist or shrink or something to get paper work stating my disability so that why i can get ADA and FMLA #leave because I'm on a downward spiral #but anyways how are you doing?

[mybrainproblems]

MY NEW COUCH WAS JUST DELIVERED.

THIS IS THE NICEST PIECE OF FURNITURE THAT I HAVE EVER OWNED.

#AND it arrived 6 weeks ahead of schedule: ordered in jan and they said late june and here it is MID MAY #could have gotten it earlier since standard color was a 3 week wait vs 6 months for custom but the price diff was negligible #if i'm gonna spend [train noises] on a couch i wanna love it not like it and i'll wait so i can love it #all of the rest of my living room furniture is from ikea and looks kinda sad but i'm not planning to replace anything yet #i need to not spend money for a while since i've made three really big purchases in the past month #they were expected/planned but all ended up hitting in the same month and not spread out like i hoped #but yeah i can't believe i have this couch it is so fucking nice #five years ago i owned a bed. a table & chair. a book shelf. a small dresser. a poang armchair. #the only things i'd purchased and weren't hand me downs were the dresser and poang. literally even my mattress was from a friend #i might actually cry over this couch... five years in a job with good pay has been genuinely life changing #most of my 20s i was unemployed or paycheck to paycheck: i never expected to own a condo or have nice things #i have been extremely lucky in how things turned out with my job an it really all comes down to that

[corbinite]

Anyone else struck with an overwhelming sense of dissatisfaction?

#mine #personal #I'm still extremely fatigued from covid #and so i end up getting no exercise which means ibend up restless when it's time to go to bed #so I've been sleeping awful #and also I'm wondering if i need to look for a new job #it's just a mess and i keep getting promised more than is delivered #but as soon as my manager finds his new job i get a promotion #so i think I'm gonna ride it out and get a uear of experience as manager before putting that on my resume for somewhere else #it'll suck but at least be bearable #our asses aren't ridden at this job like a lot of other places will #in between customers if we don't have a list i can just fuck off to the back and play on my steamdeck lol #so i am lucky in a lot of ways #just not really compensated and we're horribly understaffed so there's no room for vacations or sick days without the store falling apart #and there's just so much pettiness from the owner and between stores #we realized recently that other stores might be faking item transfers on stuff they're under on in order to move the error to us #lile were finding items pop into our system that have been discontinued for years and just recently disappeared from another store's system #amd they definitely didn't actually have the item beforehand so that would have heen an error for them #so the error disappeared for them at the same time it appeared for us #v sus

[vulpinesaint]

i'm so excited to go back to work actually. i can't wait to be with the kiddos again i miss them :)

#my mom wants me to find a job that is better paying with more accessible hours. which is so fair. #however i love working with kids so much. oh my god. #we were talking about me doing ghost tours maybe and i don't think that she understood that when i proposed that #i meant like. as a second job. supplementary hours. #sorry mom actually my job with kids means so much to me that i'm shifting career paths to teach elementary school. so. #it would break my fucking heart not to work with kids anymore #does my job suck! yeah! haha! #it's minimum wage and not like. the most fantastic childcare on earth by far #however. it means i get to hang out with these kids who i love #and do fun activities with them and play with them and give them advice when they need it #give them hugs and bandaids and help them with their homework. show them how to make friendship bracelets #would cry and sob if i had to leave this job for real. i would be so fucking upset. #my bosses are SO lucky i love doing this so much cause i would have left so long ago if i didn't 😭 #shout out to summer camps for getting me out of the godawful school year situation i forgot that i love this so so much #and next school year i get to work with alex and jon and go back and forth between sites. #so i get to see diana and i get to lead programs and i get to have a more flexible schedule... #i get. a raise maybe 😭 #i can be so normal about working with that guy i hate if it's not every day and just me and him in a room with the kids #i can be so normal... my god... #anyway. week off work for wisdom teeth healing has been great. can't wait to be back with the kiddos though :) #valentine notes

[inkskinned]

so while i was writing the book, i became violently suicidal.

this was mostly due to the fact that i had a very bad reaction to some meds and my brain stopped producing any serotonin. also i was in the last semester of grad school where it's actually illegal to feel anything but dread. so it wasn't going well.

somewhere in the fog of it i became aware i needed help. nobody was taking clients or my insurance. i didn't want to do inpatient care - it wasn't right for my needs. there's not really an "in between" stage between "inpatient" and "no care," but i was trying to do the right thing. i was trying to activate the chain of command that was my emergency plan. i knew i needed help now.

i used betterhelp.

i know, i know. i'm a straight-A student and so smart and so clever, how could i ever use something so blatantly bad. to be honest with you, i didn't feel particularly keen on it from the getgo - things that seem too good to be true usually are. also, if something online is free, the price is usually your privacy.

the thing is that there was kind of a global pandemic happening at the time and i worked 5 jobs alongside of being a fulltime student and also like writing a book on the side. it is a miracle that i even thought about getting help. i would love to tell you i had the mental wherewithal to like, process whether this was the right choice for me. mostly i was desperate. i was so suicidal that i was trying to find a reason to stay inside of fortune cookies. i was the kind of suicidal that looks like splatterpaint. i hadn't been that bad in an entire decade.

they took my data. i gave them it freely. somewhere out there, they have a dossier on me. on everything i survived. my story in little datapoints, scattergraphed beautifully.

the first woman told me that really i should be grateful, because (and this is a direct quote): "at least you're not anne frank." i said that i felt that statement was antisemitic, as anne frank's life and experience shouldn't be compared to like, a nonbinary lesbian in western massachusetts. the therapist said that i should try to use lucid dreaming to try to picture myself in an actually scary situation, like running from nazis.

i applied for another therapist. i was willing to accept the possibility that there was a bad apple in the bunch. the next therapist and i even laughed about how inappropriate that statement was. and then, in our next session: the new therapist said if i was struggling with body image issues, i should just work harder on my appearance. she spent 3 sessions in a row talking about how she was grieving, and made me memorize facts about her grandmother so "she can live on through my clients."

i am a three's-a-charm kind of person. okay, so what if the last person made me uncomfortable. i figured it was just a misunderstanding of priorities - she had felt she was sharing with me, i had felt like i had to take care of her. i applied for another therapist.

the last woman asked me to help her pray. she bowed her head. i stared at her, frozen, while she said: lord, i beg you: cure her. take the pain of being gay away from her.

i spent somewhere between 2.5 and 3 months on betterhelp. in that whole time, i was not getting the professional help i so desperately needed, even though i was fucking trying.

in the end, i survived this because i finally could get off the meds that were literally killing me. a request for a real therapist finally went through. i survived because my friends saved my life. because nick let me sob myself dry in his arms. because maddie took the razors out of my room when i asked them to. because grace slept over in my bed for like 3 weeks in a row since nobody trusted me not to hurt myself when i was alone. i survived because i got fucking lucky. because even when i was desperately suicidal, i was too old and too self-aware to take "you need to be prettier" as good advice.

the thing is that there's a 19 year old me who isn't like that. who would have heard "just think about how grateful you should be" and said - oh, i see. i would have assumed that is what it means to be in therapy: the same thing my abusers used to tell me. that i am just pretending and lazy. that i am ugly and unworthy.

betterhelp positioned itself to take advantage of an incredibly vulnerable community. it preys on desperation. it knows it is serving people who are not doing well mentally. it saw that there is a huge need for real, immediate, compassionate mental health care: and then it fucking takes your money and privacy.

i still get their ads on instagram. last night i watched as a woman in a pool pretends to talk to a different woman. they discuss her anxiety.

there's a 19 year old version of me, and she didn't survive this. she was too tired, and drowning. i almost fucking died. this thing almost fucking killed me.

in the ad, the woman playing the therapist takes a note on a clipboard and then nods once, sagely.

i have to admit it's a pretty scene. the steam and light coming off the pool water lands on the actresses. like this, it almost looks baptismal, holy.

#writeblr #the book.... #coming soon #hey so if ur someone who has ever said “you need to write a book” #i wrote the book #it's ... probably the best thing ive ever written #this is maybe too honest lol #okay to reblog thank you for asking i love u i am in love with u our wedding will be in may

[arielmagicesi]

Just found out that the school that sent me a welcome packet of paperwork and requested my resume and gave me tons of info has come to the conclusion that they “can’t accommodate a placement right now”. After a month of pretending I’d be able to get a placement. I have been waiting literally for almost five months, the five months since I finished the paperwork finally, for the luxury of PAYING to sit in the back of a classroom for two weeks and take notes. Is there something wrong with me? Why is this such a big ask? I understand why they don’t want to let just anyone into a school with children, I totally get that, but I got a background check (an expensive-ass one), I’m vaccinated, I’ll happily get other tests or whatever, why is it such a hassle to let me do my observations? And how much longer am I gonna have to wait, and how much more bureaucracy am I gonna have to wade through, until I can do the actual student teaching that comes after the observations? Because until I do both of those, I can’t complete my degree and I can’t start an actual teaching job for actual money. Like, I might as well just go back to the Hebrew school if I’m not gonna be allowed to do my field work placements.

and seriously, if they weren’t even sure if they would be able to allow me to sit in their school, why yank me around like that before rejecting me? it feels like I did something wrong but I don’t know what

#all of this so that i can become an english teacher #i really love teaching. i know that from my experience with teaching. and i'd love to teach literature/language instead of judaica #(i mean. no offense to judaica) #and while i know that moving to full-time is gonna be a shock to the system ESPECIALLY for a snowflake like me or whatever #i have a good emotional and financial support system. i'm lucky. they'll help me through that shock #and it will be worth it to do a job that i both love and that i think is important #but i also know that teachers don't get paid very well and get treated poorly and deal with bullshit #and one of the fucking bullshits we have to deal with is bureaucracy much like this #and it's kind of!!!! a pain in my ass!!!! to go through this labyrinth of bullshit! just for the honor of more bullshit! #if i didn't love teaching and love books and care about education. i would shoot myself into the sun #written by me

[nanaslutt]

The wrong place at the wrong time

snopsis: you walk in on a particularly interesting facetime between gojo and geto in which gojo tries to convince geto that the prostate is magical thing, but he needs your help in convincing him

contains: fem reader, sub!gojo, geto is on the phone while you and gojo fool around, dirty talk, prostate milking, anal fingering, hand job, masturbation, bisexual satosugu

MDNI

°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･°❀⋆.ೃ

..."You what?" You stopped in your tracks in the hallway in front of Gojo's bedroom, staring incredulously at the white-haired man lying on his back, one knee propped up, his arm outstretched above him, Geto's face filling up the phone screen. "Oh? Were you eavesdropping on our conversation?" Gojo asked, covering his mouth as he snickered behind his hand.

"Your door is wide open and you practically just screamed at the top of your lungs that you've fingered yourself before, was I not supposed to hear that?" You asked, your face scrunching at your own words as if you couldn't even believe what you were saying.

"I don't care if you hear~" Gojo cooed, his hand dropping back down to his chest. "Is it really that surprising?" Geto's voice chimed in through the speaker on Gojo's phone. "What's that mean?" Gojo chipped, turning his neck to pout at the dark-haired man, his soft hair falling graciously against the sheets around his head.

"I think he means you're shameless, Satoru." You said, crossing your arms over your chest, leaning against his doorframe. Gojo smirked, unable to deny your words. "You always have been one to talk brazenly about your endeavors in bed... like you were just doing." Geto agreed, his deep voice coming out smooth and sultry through the phone.

"Well, you asked if I had any ways to spice up your alone time... since you're too scared to go find a hookup~" Gojo outted the man, resulting in a tsk from the speaker. You shouldn't be standing in the doorway still, but this conversation was too intriguing to walk away from.

"I didn't mean fingering my ass, save that for the people who really love it. Like you, apparently." Geto deadpanned. Gojo sat up in his bed, his hand placed behind him as he held his phone out in front of him, pouting at his best friend. "It really does feel good, I'm telling you It'll change your life~" Gojo cooed, raising his eyebrows at the dark-haired man.

"I bet my roomie can attest too, I hear you whimper through these thin walls late at night when you think I'm asleep," Gojo revealed, turning his head to look at you. Your jaw dropped, words failing to find your tongue as you stared at him dumbfounded. Yeah, you absolutely should've minded your business.

"W-what the fuck?" You stuttered, feeling your cheeks heat up at Gojo's unexpected words. You heard Geto laugh through the phone, followed by a quiet "Does she really~?"

"Since when was this conversation about me now?" You said, your face scrunching in displeasure as embarrassment flooded your body. How was all of the attention suddenly on you? "It's okay, everyone gets horny, so no need to feel all shy about it~ You sound really cute anyways, you have nothing to worry about."

A loud groan fell from your lips, your hands uncrossing to cover your face, your displeased noises becoming muffled from how hard you pressed your hands to your face. Geto's laughter became hysterical at your dismay. You felt a headache start to come on.

"Heh~ further proves my point though, fingering yourself feels good Suguru~ I don't want you to come crying to me when you're 80, complaining about how you wish you would've tried it when you were in your prime," Gojo said, raising his chin smugly.

"With your eating habits, you'll be lucky if you break 60." Geto quipped, "Anyways, I wouldn't even know where to start." He confessed, Geto's voice coming through softer, honest. A sinister smile formed on Gojo's face as Geto's words reached his ears, an idea popping into his head. His eyes falling on you made your body tense where you stood, wondering why he was looking at you again. You thought you had successfully escaped being the center of attention.

"Wanna help me show Geto how good your prostate can feel?"

The words fell from your roommate's lips as nonchalantly as he had just asked what you wanted for dinner. You kept your hands over your face, your fingers cracked over your eyes so you could see him. You felt a blossom spread in your tummy at his proposition, what did that even mean? How would you have any involvement in this? You didn't even have a prostate.

You felt your heart rate pick up, the organ beating faster in your chest as you stood underneath his awaiting gaze, trying to wrack your brain for the right words to say. Your eyes darted around the room as you tried to escape his eyes long enough to think of a reasonable reply.

You and Gojo have lived together for 2 years now. The two of you practically joined at the hip, courtesy of Gojo who had no concept of personal space and hated being alone. Gojo liked to refer to your personal space as 'our personal space' you had grown used to it.

The childish man could be obnoxious and crass sometimes, but he also had a strange sort of charm to him. He was very observant of your needs, and somehow always knew what you were thinking. Not to mention he was undoubtedly easy on the eyes, no matter how annoying he was--and you would be lying if you said a few of those nights you spent alone in your room with just your fingers to keep you company that Gojo had referred to; hadn't featured said man in your fantasies as you fucked yourself.

After going over these facts and losing yourself in your own mind as you did so, you decided on what you were going to say back to Gojo. Snapping back to reality by dropping your hands to your sides and making unsure eye contact with Gojo, you spoke. "H-how would I help?" You didn't realize that those very words had sealed your fate.

—

"D-deeper cmon~ touchin' me like you're scared I'm gonna break or something." Satoru teased, wiggling his ass back into you. You felt your face heat up at his words. Well sorry... I've never exactly fingered someone's ass before, excuse me if I'm a little tentative... you shot back in your head, opting to just bite your lip and take his jab in the world outside of your head.

Gejo had placed his phone on his five-foot tripod on the side of the bed, giving Geto a perfect view of Gojo who was laid face down ass up, with you sitting on your knees behind him, a bottle of lube by your thigh, the cap was still undone in case you needed more. Your finger was about halfway into Gojo's ass, slowly and shallowly pumping into him. He was right, you were afraid he was going to break, afraid that if you moved too suddenly, you would hurt him.

The camera was angled near the end of the bed so Geto could also see Gojo's hungry little hole swallow up your fingers, making him palm his large hand over his cock at the sight of it pulsing around you. "You listening Suguru?" Gojo breathed, his head lying against the sheets, and turned to the side so he could see Geto staring at him, and a little sliver of your blurry, shy face.

"Oh, I'm listening," Geto responded, squeezing his hand over his tip as he spoke. He didnt want Gojo to know how much this was affecting him; watching his best friend get fingered by his cute roomie; so he kept his camera on his face for now, keeping the minstrations on himself to himself.

"G-good... you better take it all in for when you try this later~" Gojo cooed, confident that Geto would actually try this. Geto nodded, jerking his hand over his clothed cock harder as he pretended to listen to his words. A choked moan from you brought the attention you detested so much to be centered on you once more. "You okay there?" Geto's voice chirped teasingly through the phone, his eyes taking in your flustered face.

"It's... It's in." You whispered, your words barely being loud enough to be heard through the phone. "Your finger?" Geto asked you, keeping his voice and face monotone as he slid his hand underneath the band of his sweats, his growing arousal needing more than over-the-clothes touching to be satiated.

You nodded, a deep blush spreading across your face as you relished the feeling. Gojo was so tight around you, even tighter than your cunt felt when you touched yourself. "Yeah, I can feel it too, so stop teasing me and move it already~" Gojo groaned, pushing his hips back against your finger, slick from the abundance of lube you used.

You swallowed hard watching Gojo fuck his hips back against you, the motion only resulting in your finger jolting around slightly, not enough to give him any real stimulation. "O-okay." You mumbled quietly, before you pulled your finger out, and screwed it back in. Gojo breathed out through his mouth, relieved you were finally moving.

"How's it feel?" Geto chimed in, his hand now tentatively stroking over his cock, his sweats and boxers alike pulled halfway down his thighs. Gojo grumbled, pouting dramatically against the sheets before he spoke, trying to angle his head to look at you the best he could from his current position. "Feels like I have a finger in my ass," Gojo replied with a short giggle.

Geto hummed in response, tilting his head at his companion through the phone. "Though you were gonna show me how good your prostate feels?" Geto teased, slowing his strokes over his cock as he waited for the real action to happen, not wanting to blow his load too soon. "I would if my cute roomie started listening to me~" Gojo cooed, disguising his jab at you in his teasing words.

You knew he was immediately referring to how gently you were being. Curse you for being curdious of his most sacred place in all of his body. "Fine, you want it harder? Don't come crying to me if you get hurt." You said with a sigh, shaking your head. You placed your free hand on his ass, giving yourself some leverage before you started fingering him properly.

"Yeahhh~ Cmon, give it to me~" Gojo cooed, that annoyingly cocky tone laced throughout his voice. His unaffectedness to having your finger in his asshole made you want to wipe that smirk off his face and replace it with a more desperate look. You tried to be nice, but clearly, that wasn't what he wanted.

Geto watched you carefully as you pulled your lower lip between your teeth, readjusting yourself on your knees closer to Gojo before you pulled your finger out of his hole and grabbed the lube, spreading it across two fingers this time. "Hey, I said give it to me not pull out complete- ahh!" Gojo's complaint was short-lived when you thrust both of your fingers in his ass to the hilt all at once.

Gojo gasped against the sheets like the wind had just been punched from his lungs, his eyes wide as he stared at the wall in shock. "You're so impatient Satoru." You shot back, starting up a decent pace on his ass, your fingers colliding against him causing the fat of his ass to ripple under your hand as you held him steady. Geto laughed at how fast Gojo's expression changed from cocky to desperate, the sight making his cock twitch in his hand.

"A-ah- ah-" Gojo softly whimpered, his hands curling around the pillow under his head for comfort as you fingered him. Your pace now felt words better than your sloppy, slow one just seconds prior, but something was still missing. He needed you deeper, lower. Your fingers just barely ghosting over his prostate was not nearly enough, he needed you to jab directly into it, to abuse it with no remorse.

"Deeper baby, a little deeper," Gojo instructed, the teasing in his voice long gone, now replaced with a carnal need. "Angle your fingers down, curl them down like you're trying to touch my stomach." You quickly took his words into action, wanting to see him crumple under your hand. "You know all the tricks, huh?" Geto chimed in, wishing so badly he was there right now.

What would be his role? Would he be the one fucking his fingers into Gojo's ass while you sucked him off? Maybe he would have you lean forward so he could eat your pretty pussy out while you fingered Gojo, both options sounded delicious. His hand sped up as he lost himself in his fantasies, his free hand curling into the sheets as his eyes stayed glued on the two of you.

You angled your fingers down, towards his tummy like he had instructed, and jabbed your fingers in, curling them when your fingers fucked into his ass to the hilt. The guttural moan Gojo released sent shivers down your spine. "Oh fuck- right there, do that again-" He begged, his arms tightening around his pillow as he shamelessly wiggled his hips back against you, trying to get your fingers to hit that spot inside him again.

Your face scrunched in pleasure as you repeated the motion, feeling a walnut-shaped ball under your fingers each time you curled them inside him. "Ohmyfuckinggod-" Gojo grits through his teeth, his teeth clicking together each time his jaw opens and closes in pleasure. "That looks like it feels good, Satoru," Gojo smirked, the only tell of his arousal being how a light blush spread across his face. Pretty impressive considering how much he was leaking on his fingers from how hot he felt watching the show the two of you were putting on.

Gojo tried to open his mouth to respond but you had gotten more confident with his unabashed moaning, your fingers pistoning in and out of his tight ass, drilling straight into his prostate. "Ah- ah- ah-" The white-haired man moaned so prettily, all the sounds coming from his body being music to your ears. "Does that feel good, Satoru?" You ask, your words coming out more timid than you would've liked.

Your roommate nodded profusely, an adorable red blush spread across his cheeks as his eyes rolled back in his head from how good he was feeling. "So f-fucking good- Ngh- feels so- intense! Nghhhh-" Gojo whined, his words coming out choppy and slurred from the whines being fucked from his body.

“Oh fuck baby- fuck- fuck my ass baby ohmygod- harderrrr-“ Gojo slurred, whimpering into the sheets like some slut. You pressed your thighs together, your clit throbbing at his desperate show of his need for pleasure.

Geto pressed his lips together as subtly as possible, trying to appear unaffected as he rapidly jerked his hand over his cock, matching your pace inside Gojo's tight hole. His camera was shaking slightly with his movements, but he was feeling too good to care. The both of you were quite preoccupied anyway, it's not like you would notice his camera shaking anyway.

"Grab his cock pretty girl," Geto instructed, his eyes falling lower with his arousal, a warm heat flooding over his body. You looked over to the camera, making eye contact with Geto, who kept his unwavering eyes on yours, his eyes slightly glossed over with his arousal.

"Yeah- y-yeah, m-my cock, touch my cock-" Gojo jumped in, a drunken smile plastered on his face as he tried to look at you over his shoulder, his pink face nodding profusely. You looked away from Geto to look down between the white-haired man's legs, your eyes finding their target--being his long, thick cock that dangled heavily between his legs, a steady drip of pre-cum dripping from the tip of his cock each time your fingers hit his prostate.

"Been watching his poor cock leak since you started this, the tip is so red," Geto added, his voice failing to sound as unaffected as he would've liked. If Gojo was in the right headspace, he would've teased Geto at the fact that he just admits to staring at his cock throughout this whole endeavor, but alas, he was too busy drooling and whimpering against his sheets to tease anyone right now.

Blushing, you abandoned your hand that was placed on Gojo's soft ass to drop it between his legs. The second your lithe fingers wrapped around his neglected cock, his whole body jerked harshly, almost like it was trying to escape your hand. "Fuck-" Gojo grit, wincing at how sensitive his cock was from being neglected for so long.

"Oh shit, bet it's sooo much right now, huh?" Geto asked his best friend. Gojo's eyes found Geto's through the phone screen, tears welling up in his pretty blue eyes as you immediately fell into a quick rhythm, your hand jerking over his length at a pace that matched the one inside him. Gojo could only nod pathetically, his face scrunching in pleasure as your hand focused on his tip, jerking over the sensitive red head quickly, causing cute squelches to echo throughout the room.

"You're so wet, Satoru." You whispered in awe, your mouth dropping into a small o as you milked his cock, the pool of pre-cum on his sheets between his legs making it look like he had already cum several times--you had no idea how he still had so much to give.

Gojo's body jerked around, the tears that had welled up in his eyes finally fell down his rosy cheeks, over the slope of his nose, and joined together on his pillow. "Fuck- please p-please- Nghhh- A-ah-" He didn't know what he was begging for. He was unsure if he wanted you to stop, or give him more. All he knew is that it was all so fucking overwhelming; having everyone's attention on him.

"Talk to us Satoru, how's it feel?" Geto asked, his words coming out more like begs as he felt himself steadily approach his orgasm, his hand focusing on his tip just like yours was doing on Satoru's. "I- I don't know I- fuck it's so much- too much-" Gojo answered, his eyes twitching and rolling back in his head.

You showed no mercy, jerking your hand faster over the entire length of his cock you stood on your knees and pistoned your fingers into his prostate more directly with the new leverage, resulting in Gojo's ankles crossing and kicking up at the intense pleasure. "I thought you wanted it rough? Do you take it back? Want me to stop?" You asked teasingly, knowing you weren't going to let up even if he begged you to stop.

"No! Nonono don't stop p-please don't stop-" Gojo cried, his head jerking against his satin pillowcase as he fought through the intense pleasure, his body jerking and spasming without his permission. "He's a fucking mess, look what you did~" Geto laughed, his dick twitching with interest at Gojo's teary, drooling face.

"Ahhh- ah- right there- keep f-fucking me right there-" Gojo gasped, his hands digging into his pillow as his eyes squeezed shut, his orgasm welling up in his tummy. "I think he's gonna cum pretty, is his cock twitching?" Geto asked, knowing very well what the telltale signs of a man's orgasm were.

You nodded, Gojo's cock was throbbing profusely in your hand, and his tight hole was squeezing more consistently around your fingers as well, almost like a heartbeat--it was so cute. "Oh yeah, you're gonna cum aren't you Satoru? Gonna cum from a few fingers in your ass? Hmm?" Geto teased, taking a sharp inhale in through his teeth as his own hand sped up, his cock twitching in his hold.

Satoru nodded, unable to voice his thoughts. Unable to scream from the top of his lungs, "Yes! Yes, I'm going to cum!" Instead, his jaw fell completely slack, drool pooling out of his mouth and onto the sheets as you worked him right up to his orgasm.

"Me too, look at me Satoru, look at me." Just moments before Satoru was pushed over the edge from your merciless fingers, he cracked his teary eyes open and was faced with Geto's long cock filling up the expanse of the phone screen, his massive hand jerking quickly over his length, making it almost look blurry from how fast he was going.

The visual of his best getting off to his ass being pummeled was all Gojo needed to be pushed off the edge. With a high-pitched cry of your name, his shaky hand shot back to grip your wrist as the first rope of his orgasm shot out of his cock, adding to the pool of his cum already between his legs, soaking into the sheets.

His hole squeezed tightly around your fingers, acting as if he was trying to snap them off, keeping them deep inside him. “Don’t stop- D-don’t stop” He begged pathetically, his wrist being dragged with you as you kept thrusting into him, working him through his high.

You moaned with him in awe as his body was wracked with tremors, threatening to collapse against the sheets. “I won’t, I got you Toru, I got you.” You consoled, paying special attention to his tip as you milked him for all he was worth.

Gojo’s thick cum made a mess of your fingers. Most of his hot cum landed on the bed sheets, but when someone cums as much as he does, it only makes sense that you got some on your fingers.

“Oh fuck- so pretty-“ Geto groaned, his jaw muscles clenching under the weight of his teeth as he came. You and Gojo both watched as white streaks of cum landed on Geto’s abs and thighs, the squelching on his own cock got louder as his cum acted as lube over his cock, increasing the already messy slick on his length.

“I didn’t realize you were getting off to this Geto.” You said, your chest heaving with your own arousal as your eyes flit back and forth between Gojo’s tight hole and Geto’s cock on the screen.

Through his groans, you heard him laugh as you watched him wring out his cock, making sure all of his cum had released from his cock. “How could I not? You guys are so fucking hot.” His gruff voice spoke, the camera flipping back to his handsome face.

You and Gojo both silently mourned the loss of the view of Geto’s cock. Although it was fairly hard to be disappointed when his pale face came into view his cheeks dusted in a deep pink, sweat beading on his forehead, his chest heaving as he tried to recover from his orgasm.

“H-hey-“ Gojo whined, his strength returning to his body as he gripped your wrist he had a hold of, signaling you stop moving inside him. You mumbled a quick ‘sorry’, you had gotten distracted watching Geto cum, forgetting you were pleasuring your handsome roommate underneath you.

You slowly pulled your fingers out of his ass, Gojo whined dramatically at the loss, his hole clenching around you in sensitivity. “You don’t wanna let me go, do you?” You giggled, your fingers finally slipping free of his tight hole.

“Fuck no~” Gojo giggled, the cloudiness slowly clearing from his brain, allowing his signature snarkiness to come back to him. Geto laughed as he set his phone down, you watched out of the corner of your eye as he wiped his softening cock clean with a towel.

“Suguru~” Gojo called in a singsong voice, his body collapsing on his side, his cock twitching limply against the sheets. Your hands rubbed along his thighs as he relaxed into the bed, noticing how a cute red flush was also dusting along his thighs and shoulders. Adorable.

“Were you paying attention? You have to admit that looked nice, right~?” Gojo asked teasingly, raising his eyebrows at the dark-haired man through the screen. Gojo’s ability to bounce back from even the most intense prostate orgasm was astonishing.

“I think it looks nice on you, sure.” Geto laughed, throwing the towel he used to clean his cock to the floor, grabbing his phone back in his hand as he laid back against his bed, throwing his arm behind his head.

Gojo pouted, rolling on his back to look at you for help with puppy eyes. “What are you looking at me for?” You asked, sitting back on your heels as you jerked your head back, looking around the room for anyone else Gojo could be looking at.

“I thought you were gonna help me convince himmm.” Gojo drawled, his arms pushing himself up to sit on his ass as he reached out for you. You blushed as you let him pull you into his arms, your hands falling on his chest with a surprised noise as you sat on his thighs, just under his cock.

“I could only do so much you know…” You said, avoiding his eyes as his hands made a home on your upper thighs, stroking the skin teasingly. “Maybe you should‘ve cried a little harder!” Geto chimed in, winking into the camera.

Gojo pouted, wiping his hands over his still-wet cheeks to rid the evidence of Geto’s teasing. “So all of that was for nothing then?” Gojo asked, looking between the two of you incredulously, his hand that had whipped at his cheek slapping back down onto the skin of your thigh.

“No, not nothing,” Geto said, looking smugly into the camera. You and Gojo looked to Geto confused, waiting for him to elaborate. “I discovered how bad I wanna fuck you both. That’s not nothing, right?” Geto revealed nonchalantly, making you and Gojo’s jaws drop in tandem.

You felt your face heat up at his confession. Maybe you hadn’t convinced Geto to play with his ass just yet, but you had unknowingly convinced him to play with something even better.

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