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#and i love their debut album so much my bff presented me the album for bday
seonghwacore · 9 months
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if i say that im disappointed that rowoons leaving sf9, im gon be stoned
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desertsquiet · 2 years
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Album of the Year
1969
Runners up (7-2):
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Winner: Tommy (The Who)
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First let me just say: what a great year for album covers as well! These are all almost as gorgeous as the albums themselves. Five Leaves Left is yet another incredible debut album by yet another artist who deserved to get so much more recognition *while* he was still alive. I can’t get over the fact that the first line on his first song, “Time has told me, you’re a rare, rare find/A troubled cure for a trouble mind”, seems to perfectly define all his music. Then we have a sophomore solo release by the hero of the moment, Neil what-an-absolute-legend Young (yes that’s actually his middle name), staying particularly true to his name here. As an album, it’s probably the one I have more affection for as it was the perfect soundtrack for so many roadtrips growing up. Plus I’ve recently found out he wrote Cinnamon Girl, Down By The River, and Cowgirl in the Sand ON THE SAME DAY. That is beyond insane. What can I say about Abbey Road? I love every minute of it. The album that truly made me fall in love with The Beatles and, slowly but surely, with Paul McCartney. Track by track it’s just their strongest in my mind, no faults at all. Plus the production is *so* immaculate it gives it such a cohesive sound and feeling despite the songwriting being as varied as it gets. The cherry on top is of course the Abbey Road medley, undoubtey Paul’s melodic magnus opus (and that is saying something) and just one of the greatest pieces of music you can hope to hear. Let It Bleed, on the other hand, was a recent revelation for me. I basically only knew Gimme Shelter and You Can’t Always Get What You Want going into it and even though they’re the opener and closer they really don’t prepare you for what the album is going to sound like. This is the Stones country-rock album. You can tell Keith had a new bff when even a Robert Johnson song sounds more country than blues for some reason! So many underrated gems on here, like the title track, You Got the Silver and Country Honk. I have talked at lenght about Townes Van Zandt’s self titled on here but I never really get tired of saying how much I love it so here we go: the second album he recorded in 1969 and they are both unbelievable. Here, unlike on Our Mother the Mountain, the heavy themes always present in his music are a lot more balanced by lighter, brighter and tasteful arrangements (particularly adore the gentle use of the harmonica in every single song). Having said that, the more stripped down production also allows the lyrics and sorrowful delivery of Waiting Around to Die, the first song he ever wrote, to finally hit the listener with their whole stark, bleak devastating effect. Perhaps his greatest talent. If Gram Parsons had my attention when I listened to Sweetheart of the Rodeo, by the time I heard The Gilded Palace of Sin (not that long after) he had my undying love and admiration. I have no words to describe how incredible it is. It’s the most perfect, balanced fusion between country and rock ever created but not at all in a “washed up” way. Both influences are equally strong and equally clear and get to shine so brightly through some truly inspired songwriting. The feel of this album is apocalyptic and psychedelic and joyous and desperate all at the same time. There’s nothing like it. And finally, not only my favorite album of 1969, but my favorite album full stop. Its impact on my life cannot be overstated. It wasn’t the first full album I listened to. It was the first that made me realize what an album *could* be. That every song could have a purpose and a reason for being placed where it was, that you could tell a cohesive story with it, that you could create the most immersive experience and totally transport the listener into another dimension. I’m not kidding when I say it was probably all I listened to for a couple of months after, just Tommy on a loop. I couldn’t get enough of it. I still can’t. It’s incredible to me how such an ambitious (some would say even “pretentious”) project can still feel so personal and raw and emotional. Yet it somehow always does.
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It took me too much time
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A friends to lover journey for Jiyong and Y/n. Here’s how it all began.
Warning: Smut, language, cuteness overload. Oooh, in the smut part, there is a bit of masochism (not to an extreme, it’s cute. Said in another way, she loves it when it hurts a bit), outdoor sex.  Also, a big fear of storms, the mention of a fire.
W.C. 17796 (of pure hapiness... it made me very happy to write it <3)
Personal note: This is one of my fav gif of Ji. Let’s pretend that it’s him as he’s having a good time with his best friend, okay? Okay!
Sorry for that title and description, I didn’t know how to name it until now, LMAO.
Hopefully, you will love this one. It’s cute, sexy, funny. There is angst too.
Here it is
A double date, 5 years ago.
You were not sure if it was a good idea but you couldn’t refuse to go. It was a gift on a silver plate for your friend, more likely your favorite co-worker. Jiyong had agreed to go on a date with her but at one condition: it had to be a double date. Apparently, his friend Seunghyun was head over toes for you and was too shy to ask you out. It was the perfect occasion for Jiyong, maybe he would get some and his friend would have a chance to meet the girls he was silently in love with.  Well, most precisely, to have a complete conversation instead of the formalities you exchanged when you served him at the café.
You were working in a café where the boys came to relax and eat after their practice At the time they came, the café was almost emptied from the patreons.  They were the best friends in the world, bandmates working hard to pursue their dream in the music industry. They had made their debut a while ago and the reactions were enthusiastics. The press had good reviews of their albums and the fan base grew. They were starting big.
“It will be fun,” she said, “believe me, Seunghyun is such a cutie pie, a perfect match for you. Plus, you never went on a double date before so you can’t tell me that you don’t like it”.
“Okay but I’m only doing it for you. You owe me one girl...”
This is when you had met Seunghyun and Jiyong and got to have a real conversation with them. During the date, your friend was drooling in front of Jiyong, drinking each one of his words, a slanted smile across her face. It was cutely pathetic to witness.  
Because you weren’t in a place in your life to have a boyfriend, you made it clear with Seunghyun that it would not be possible. Oh! perfect he was! He had a beautiful face, a sharp sense of humor, a deep voice and a tender smile. He was just magnificent.  It could have worked, under different circumstances. It really could have.
When it was time to split and as much as they didn’t seem to fit together, Jiyong and your friend decided that they wanted to pursue the night together. Seunghyun had dropped you to your place, you exchanged phone numbers before you left his car. You didn’t fall for him the way he wanted but at least, he was a good person and you were willing to get to know him better, as a friend.
Even though the evening turned out to be a flop on the romantic level, something wonderful came of it. Your friendship with Jiyong and somehow with Seunghyun too. Just for that, the double date was more than worth it.
Present day
“Earth to the moon! 1.2, 1.2! There’s distortion on the line” Jiyong mocked.
“Sorry, I was thinking… Do you remember the first time we met?”
"Oooh! You mean the night I had the worst sex ever with that annoying bartender?”
“Damn boy, don’t be so mean. That poor girl did her best! She was probably so stressed to be in front of you. You were already a sex symbol back then!”
“True, I was undeniably sexy already” he said, shaking his butts but realizing what he just did, his cheeks turned pink.
Both of you laughed. You have lost your friendship with her the day Jiyong broke up with her, 2 weeks after the double date. Because you continued to talk to him, she cut you off of her life, telling you that you were not “on her side”. The last time you heard about her, she had divorced from her husband and was dating an old but rich CEO. She didn’t change at all, bitch was a sucker for money and status.
“Still Ji, you got to know me that night! You won in the long run, man!” you said, proudly flipping your hair.
“Aww! You’re so cute” he cooed, “True! What would I do without that adorable friend of mine that crashes my sofa each time they announce a storm” he said piling up the plates that had dried on the kitchen counter.
“Hey, it scares me okay?”
“Oh! I know you are scared but what the fuck am I suppose to do to protect you? I can’t stop the lightning from falling over your head!”
“YAH! You’re supposed to help me calm down! Not to scare the shit out of me!”
“Girl, you are so much cuter when you don’t have that badmouth!”
“I don’t want to be cute Ji! I just don’t want to die tonight! Did you see the sky? It’s gonna be hell of a storm, I’m telling you” you pointed to the window to mark your point.
“I hope we’ll survive!” he teased. He came closer to you and kissed your temple while one of his hands rested on your shoulder in a protective way. “At least you bought sushi! If we die tonight, it will be with a filled tummy. I have a new wine that will be perfect with it, too”.
“Ji, I don’t like it at all. I’m really scared. Don’t mock me”.
“I know, love! I’m just teasing you”.
Fun fact, you were not that scared of the storm anymore. Well, you were still scared but not petrified like you used to be. But because you had that habit of crashing his sofa and getting those nights in each time there was an appearance of a storm, you neglected to specify it to your friend.
“Anyway, I hope I didn’t ruin your plans. You can go, if you have a date you didn’t tell me about or something”.
“Nah, I have nothing to do that cannot be done from here, maybe just a little work.  Plus, I have to protect you from the lightning with my super powers! What would you do without me?” he giggled.
You smiled at him tenderly. Jiyong was such a wonderful person. You were more than happy that you had the chance to call him your friend. He always had your back and you always had his. It was like that, you two against the world.  For some reasons, each time something happens to one of you, the other would automatically feel it and call right away. It was like a premonition, a soulmate thing. It made you both smile and care for the other even more. 
Of course, when one of you was in a relationship things got complicated. Your partners didn’t always understand that need you both have to call each other on a daily basis. “If she/he is so important to you, why don’t you marry her/him”? You both heard that often.
“Awww! You’re my personal superhero! I like that! By the way, before you arrived, I filled your fridge with side dishes and lunch boxes. I cooked for myself, so I brought you some”.
“You’re a bad liar, missy. You cooked for us, not for yourself only. You even bought us matching lunch boxes last month”
“True… I cooked for the both of us! And true, I bought it knowing it was matching, I couldn’t resist! Don’t make a big deal out of it, it was just too cute. Instead of a bff bracelet, we have bff matching lunch boxes” you exclaimed.
“Aaaaaw! Finally, you admit it was made to match! Thanks hun, I love the boxes and I love even more the food that you put in it”.
“My pleasure Mr Kwon! Let’s shower before it rains”
“ Why do you keep saying that?”
“It’s common sense and commun knowledge that you can’t shower or bathe when it rains in case there will be a storm, okay? I’ll go first”.
You ran to the bathroom before he had the time to argue. You knew what he was about to say anyway. He told you many times but you were still really scared of it. When you were a teenager, lightning crashed a utility pole near your house, causing an electrical fire. The strong winds had pushed the flames and your house was set on fire despite the heavy rain. It all happened while you were in the shower. That night, you were babysitting your little brother and you had to evacuate the house in a towel with him in your arms. The bad association of shower and strom had stuck in your head even though there was nothing dangerous for real. You were doing your best and you were fighting against your fear with all the courage that you had, but you still had to work more. 
You turned the water off, got out of the luxurious shower and sighted with ease when your feet landed on the fluffy bath mat. Caressing the soft fabric with your toe, you wonder if you were walking on something that was worth more than the price of your car!
“Jiiiiii! Jiyong!" when he didn’t answer the tenth time you called out his name, you went out of the bathroom. You were wrapped in his bathrobe with your hair raised in a white towel  “Where the hell are you?” you called out.
“YAH! Don’t swear love. It’s not cute” He was adding the dressing on top of a roasted veggies salad he just fixed for you. He didn’t like it but he knew it was your favorite. Therefore, he always kept the ingredients in his fridge to be able to serve you one. That and your favorite chocolate, your favorite champagne and wine, your favorite ice cream and so much more little things that you cherish. 
“I don’t need to be cute because you already are whipped for me. Plus, I’m not your girl, so cute or not, you’re not supposed to care!”
“What are you saying? You’re the cutest girl of them all, why can’t you see it? You’re my sweet but bad mouthed girl”. 
At that moment, he lifted his head and noticed how you were dressed. More likely, not dressed, in front of him. You were so cute with your concerned face, frowning with an obvious concern written on your face. He turned his head to look the other way around, covering his eyes with one hand and blushing shyly.
“I’m sorry I took your bathrobe but you were not answering me”.
“I didn’t hear you, what is it that you had to come here naked?”
“I’m not naked, relax for god’s sake! Plus a body is a body, we’re all constructed on the same pattern. So please, just calm down”.
“I can’t relax. You’re naked in front of me”
“Not naked, Sweet baby Jesus. You wanna see what naked really is?” You teased, toying with the knot of the dressing gown. Of course you would never open it and flash your naked body to him like that but he was annoying with his conservative ass and you felt a little bit provocative.
“Yah! Keep it for your man, you naughty!”
“Jesus Christ… I won’t undress, take it easy. Anyway, I’m done with the shower. I just wanted to tell you that it’s your turn. Go, before the storm starts, it’s so dark it will soon. I’ll get dressed in your room, okay?”.
Uncomfortable, he didn’t argue and ran into the shower.
He didn’t like to see you undressed, for some reasons. He was always telling you “love, can you buy longer skirts next time?”, “A bikini, are you kidding me? Why not a normal one piece swimsuit?”, “Please Y/n, don’t walk around the house in just a towel”. Jiyong had a vision of nudity that was beyond your comprehension. You never saw each other naked, that goes without saying. And of course, you never complied to his demands, telling him that you were not more or less dressed than other women of your age, which was true. You were not wearing revealing clothes anyway, he was just too old fashion.  Maybe you were pushing it with the towel thing but hey! He was even worse than you, walking in his briefs way more often than you were ‘indecent’ yourself.
When he came out of the shower, you had comfortably draped your neck with a long scarf. You were wearing a Bigbang crop top with the inscription 'V.I.P for life" and short shorts that you wore to sleep only. A long cream cardigan buttoned up to your chin covered it all. You knew you wouldn’t need more clothes to stay warm, you had a big blanket resting on the armrest of his couch. 
You finished assembling the plates with the sushi, served yourself an extra big portion of his salad and put it all on the coffee table in the living room. The wine and the bottle opener were waiting on the table with some nachos, salsa and candies for later. It was usually sitting on the floor with your back leaning against the sofa as you started the evening. Normally you weren't able to finish a movie because one or the other often fell asleep before the end. More likely, it was him that fell asleep. Then, you would always gently slide his head on a small cushion over your thighs and stroke his hair. At the end of the film, you never had the courage to wake him up, you knew that his sleep was precious and that he often suffered from insomnia. You let him in the same position and fell asleep with your head uncomfortably leaned against the couch. In the morning, he had moved and would be in a different position, on the floor. You didn’t know that he never realised the scalp and head massages. Tonight, he will notice though.
Jiyong had the bad idea to put a horror movie at night like this one, when you were already nervous. He didn’t think twice, as soon as the movie you wanted to watch for so long was out, he bought it for you. He was not a bit interested in it but he knew you would be happy.
 “Tadam,” he cutely said when the title appeared on the screen. 
“Oh, thanks Ji, you remembered”.
“Duh! Of course, you kept rambling about it for days” he teased.
“I’m happy, at least I’ll be scared for something else than the storm. It’s perfect”.
The movie had started and really soon, Jiyong knew that he wouldn’t make it through the end.
It was the thunder that awakened him. There was rain, lightning and strong winds outside. Despite the storm roaring, he felt enveloped in a big comforting bubble, cocooned under a blanket like a burrito. Above all, the familiar and comforting smell, your smell, that shielded him with security and pure happiness. He felt as if he was in a dream. He was too comfortable to open his eyes but he knew his head was on your thighs and it was your hands on his neck.
Your hands… on his neck!  
You had slipped your fingers under his nape, cupping it, your thumbs resting gently on his throat. He felt vulnerable but yet, secure at the same time. He felt raw, in the most beautiful and pure way.  He recognised your scent, your warmth, your breathing. What was he doing, lying on you like that? He wasn’t sure but he never felt like home more than right now. A little confused, he opened his eyes and analysed his surroundings.
You were concentrated on what was happening to the screen, softly murmuring advice to the characters in order to, as far as he could tell, not being murdered with a chainsaw.  
“Stupid, stupid, stupid… Girl, at this point it will be natural selection… See, I told you! You deserved it, not gonna lie”
Jiyong smiled at your cuteness. This is when he felt your hands start to move on his neck.Your fingers were making a gentle downward pressure close to the base of the skull, you were stretching his neck muscles and it was orgasmic. He said nothing, did nothing and even stopped thinking. He refrained himself from groaning with pure happiness.
“See what you did there? How could you take such a dumb decision” still talking to the television. He wouldn’t be surprised if you start to throw food at the screen!
In this position, he could see you from a new angle. A “from above’ angle that gave him dirty thoughts. In a split second, that tender moment turned into a hunger. An intense impulse that he felt quite often recently. An unbearable desire combined with an impulse of the heart. It was a strange feeling, he had never felt like that before. 
If he turned his face 90 degrees and went just a few centimeters down, he would be right at the good place to please you with his tongue and lips and fingers… Just the thought of it made blood boil.
“Woah Kwon Jiyong! Stop it!” he thought for himself. “Are you so horny that you will try to hit on your sweet best friend and ruin 5 years of a solid friendship? Damn it boy!” But also, dirty things happened between you, once. Maybe it was possible again… But was it what he wanted, a one shot deal? He was quite not sure about it. 
Before he could stop his hormones from increasing, he felt his blood run directly to his crotch. He was so hard, it was almost as if all the blood contained in his body had decided to meet there. Your fingers continued to massage his neck, stretching the muscles, putting some pressure on different spots. You were completely unaware of his state, naive little creature that you were.
It could have been a perfect blissful moment but his fucking dick had interrupt. He knew it was unfair to stay like that, to let you massage him with the effect it had on the south direction his blood was taken. So, he took one of your hands and kissed your fingers before he sat up.
“Oooh, sleepy head. You’re awake?” you smiled at him with that beautiful smile of yours. You were not wearing any makeup, your hair was messy and your clothes didn’t match but you were just perfect like that. You had the most beautiful face he never saw in his life. How come he didn’t realise it sooner?.
“Hum mmm. You love the movie?” he placed a cushion on his middle to hide his erection.
“It’s good, yes! Are you okay? You’re pale!”
“Not surprising, the blood has left my head!”
“What? You have a headache?”
“Forget it. I’ll fresh up a bit. Be right back” 
He used to good advantage the fact that your attention was again turned towards the screen.  He got up in a hurry, hiding what he had to hide. He went to the bathroom and cleaned his face to cool down. Looking inside his briefs, he sighted! 
“Fuck you Kwon Jiyong! Fuck! Fuck! What’s your problem? She’s your friend, dammit! She is just a sweet and cute girl. What’s happening to me recently? Why have I started to dream of her? Why did I start longing for her? What are those bubbly sensations that I feel when she’s coming home to me?”.
Recently, he had noticed that not only his body reactions were different but that his emotions had changed as well. That he was more and more happy to see you. That he had way more thoughts about you than he used to. To a point that he even refused a date with an interesting woman just to be able to call you on time, just because he had said “I’ll call you before 9”. He said it, he had to comply, right? What did you talk about? Sweet nothings but it was still a wonderful moment. He allowed himself a few moments for the blood gathered in his penis to turn back. He had a crazy hard time getting there. 
Having the sensation that he was not feeling good, that something was not okay, you paused the movie and walked towards the bathroom. 
“Do you need something Jiyong? You are really pale, I’m not joking. It seems like you have seen a ghost” you said as soon as he opened the door.
He was mad, but not at you. He was mad at himself for the reaction his body had. Confused too. He also knew that he couldn’t tell you what just happened because you would tease him for days. Or worse, you would exclaim a loud and clear disgusted “EEEW” to tease him. That he couldn’t support.
“Listen, I’m going to sleep early tonight. You can continue the movie, don’t wait for me”.
Without an explanation he left for his bedroom and closed the door. It was rude but it was a necessity.
You came back to the living room and sat on the couch. Your thighs were still mild with Jiyong’s warmth. 
You couldn’t concentrate on the movie. What’s got into him? You stood up and walked towards his room, concerned. You just hope that he didn’t discover your ‘secret’.
3 years ago, on Christmas eve
After you finished hanging the garlands, you stepped back and enjoyed your hard work, satisfied.  Yesterday, Jiyong announced that the band would not be able to fly to Korea for Christmas. Something happened with their schedule and unexpectedly they had to stay in Hong Kong a little longer before they would resume their world tour. 
You didn’t want Jiyong and the boys to stay in their room and alone for Christmas. You had called Daesung’s girl of moment and Seunghyn’s sister and shared your plan with them. Youngbae’s girl had already joined him a couple of days ago. You would make a little reception for your boys. After all, no one should be alone on Christmas Eve. With the girls, you prepared it all.
“Can you taste the punch? I’m scared that I didn’t put enough rhum” 
“I did taste it and it was perfect” you answered. “Seunghyun will add wine in his glass anyway, wait for it” 
She laughed, it was exactly like his brother to do that. 
“Oh, they’re coming. I’m so nervous” you told her.
In the plane for HongKong, you had decided to open up to Ji about your new feelings for him. Lately you had come to the conclusion that you were in love with him. What you thought was just a mere flirt at the beginning, soon turned out to be much more. It was love, with capital A. You had taken your time to analyse your feelings but it was kind of obvious.  You were just not accepting the fact before, even though you were facing all the proof. 
What is the first thing that comes to your mind in the morning? Jiyong.
Who do you want to hug when you feel the need to snuggle against someone? Ji.
Who’s hand do you want to hold, when you walk on the street or discover a new city? Yep! Jiyong again.
Who do you want to make love to, when you feel that need between your legs?
Who makes your heart skip a beat because of his cuteness?
Who makes you a horny mess when he smiles?
Who do you think will be the father of your children, when you imagine yourself nursing a baby?
 Ji, Ji and Ji. Always him. He was your soulmate and the guardian of your heart. You couldn’t imagine a moment without him in your life. You wanted more. You wanted to take all of him. You had no choice but to tell him, you were not able to keep it for yourself anyway. He had even questioned you about the recent changes in your attitude. Soon, you won’t be able to hide it anymore, you rather should tell him while you were still having control over yourself. You were really scared of his possible rejection though. It was petrifying. But the possibility that maybe he shared the love was stronger and it made you so happy to imagine what you could become together. How your friendship would transform into love. Into love making. Into a deeper relationship.
It was decided. You will confess tonight, in the hotel room after the party.  You’ll deal with the consequences later.
You were waiting for the boys in the suite that you had reserved. It was a simple room that the hotel rented for meetings or private events like tonight. Because it was Christmas, it was available and you didn’t have any trouble making a last minute reservation.
The door of the suite opened on Jiyong’s manager. He was aware of the little reception, you needed someone to drag the boys in. They entered the room one by one. You didn’t notice the happiness on their face when they discovered the 3 ladies waiting for them with food, alcohol and gifts, you were looking for Jiyong only. Unfortunately, he was nowhere to be found. Seunghun came and closed the door for more privacy, already having a glass of punch in hands.
“Wait, Ji has not arrived yet”.
His features went grave but his voice remained soft and calm. He seemed sad. He seemed to be pitying you too, his concerned eyes looking at you the same way you imagine he will be looking at his child when he’ll say “Santa Claus doesn’t exist for real”.
“He won’t be coming. He had other plans for tonight, something that popped up. I’m really sorry”
“Is he okay? Where is he?”
“This morning, he met a woman in the restaurant of the hotel. A cute damsel in distress. Well, one thing after another, it turned out that he invited her to the concert. And well… they left together, if you know what I mean”.
Your heart started to beat really fast. You didn’t like the turn of the conversation. Seunghyun’s sister covered her mouth with a hand, shocked, as she realized what her brother was telling you. It seemed that they knew about your feelings for Ji. Were you that obvious?
“Oooh… Maybe she can come here too” you said but it was absolutely not what you wanted.
“I guess they’re having sweet fucking sex” Dae laughed as he looked as his girlfriend, implying that it’s what he will have too, later!
“Woah… okay… okay”
You sat on the couch next to you and held your head. There is no way in hell that you will let your pain show in front of Jiyong’s friends.  But there was also no way you could stop the tears from falling down your cheeks. Without a word, you left the suite for the room that you rented, in case Ji would reject you. 
You were still crying, the next day when he had knocked on your door and entered your room, all excited and agitated like a puppy. More likely, like a man who hit the jackpot recently. He seemed so happy about the night he had spent, butterflies dancing in his stomach as he was telling you how cute she was. How he had spent the night of his life. How he couldn’t wait to see her again. He was so excited and centered towards his own happiness that he didn’t notice your red and bloody eyes.  
“Ji, don’t stay with me then. Go meet her right now! I guess she feels the same way and you’ll take it where you left it!”
“But you travelled all the way here and prepared such a sweet party for me and the boys! I saw the pictures, it seemed so much fun”. 
“Yah! I’d rather stay with your friends and mine, by the way, than staying a minute longer with you while you imagine yourself having sex with another woman”
“Another? It’s not like I had that many women either”
It was not the sense of your word ‘another’ but you didn’t precise it. The word had slipped your lips anyway.
“True, I’m sorry. Go, Ji! Live up for your dreams! Wout! Wout!”  you encourage him, fist up in the air with the biggest smile that you could to hide your sadness. Your eyes were your pain untold and you wish you would tell him everything.
“Sure, hun?”
“Yes, sure thing. We’re taking the plane tomorrow. If I don’t see you by then, here’s my new year kiss” you said, planting a smack on his cheek. You needed to kiss him and hold him, just for a second. To steal him from her and keep him for yourself only, a short instant.  
“Merry Christmas Ji. I love you so much” you whispered. Of course, he didn’t catch the extra meaning you had implied “And may the new year bring you only happy moments, you deserve it”.
“Aaaw, Merry Christmas my sweet girl. May the year bring you a man that will make you happy, for once. You were unlucky lately”.
You laughed ironically.
“Nah, I’ll be okay on my own for a while. Go now”. How could he have unnoticed that you were in pure agony? That your heart had been pierced with a thousand arrows? He was always so attentive normally. That was a good thing though, you prefer him to be happy with her than unhappy with you.
“Thanks, you’re the best friend ever, so understanding. I’ll tell you everything in detail later”.
“... Have fun”
He left in a hurry without a single look back and it broke what remained strong inside of you. You crumbled on the ground, unable to support your own body weight any longer. You never thought you could be rejected by him without having a single chance to say a word. You never thought you would be broken like that. You will need a lot of courage to be able to face him again. But also, it would be worse if he disappeared from your life. There was no perfect situation here, either way you were losing a part of yourself.
“That man is so fucking stupid” you heard Seunghyun tell his sister by the door Jiyong had left open a moment ago. . “How could he do that? Is he blind?"
You closed the door, you didn’t want to hear more.  You cried all day and night, curled up in the bed. You didn’t see Jiyong afterwards, while you were in Hong Kong. He didn’t come back from his cloud, therefore he didn’t come back to you. 
He had stayed in a relationship with her for a whole year. The exact time it took you to get over him. Or did you really?
Present day
You tiptoed your way to his bed and benched in front of him. His eyes were closed, he seemed to be asleep already. In his sleeping state, he was frowning, this was unusual.
He was not but he didn’t say a word, still mad and shocked. He didn’t know how to deal with it, his sudden desire for you. He couldn’t just say “let’s fuck” and then pretend like nothing happened afterward, your friendship was on the line. The only time that something happened between you, something sexual, there was a context. And you didn’t ‘really’ do something together anyway. How can’t he forget about it? How can’t he put it aside and move on? Why was he trying to relive this with his partners afterward? But of course, it was impossible, they were just not you. He realised it now! If it was not that good with them, it’s because they were simply not the good person. They were not you.
“Ji, are you okay?” he heard you ask with worry.
No answer. 
You placed a hand on his forehead to see if he had a fever. Satisfied by his body temperature, you retracted your hand with much concern. You knew him way too much to buy his sleeping state.
“Ji, I’m scared, you didn’t seem well tonight, you were really pale. I will sleep by your side to check on you, do you mind? Like we did before, when we checked on my niece. Okay? I can’t guarantee that I’ll be as good as you were though.”
No answer. 
He clearly didn’t want to talk to you. Or was he sick and had passed away? 
“If you don’t want to, it’s okay. I’ll squat the couch or the bed in the guest room. But the couch is more comfy. Would you prefer if I leave your house? The temperature is still bad outside but I don’t want you to be uncomfortable around me”
“Y/n, can you jump on the bed and shut the hell up so I can go back to sleep”? his tone was harsh.
Shocked, not sure how to take it, you did as he said and waited there, looking at the ceiling. You were cold but didn’t want to move or even less, to slide yourself under the comforter where he seemed so comfortable and warm. He was facing the other side and you could almost hear him thinking. The cat came in the bed and sat on his master’s pillow. Jiyong sighted, chased A-Ye and turned on his back. He didn’t say a word, didn’t look at you, didn’t move a single muscle afterwards.
It’s his sweet giggle that woke you up in the middle of the night. You had fallen asleep but obviously, he didn’t. From the lamp sitting on the bedside table emanated a warm and felted light. Jiyong was eating ramyeons while watching something on his cell. Confused, you sat up and rubbed your eyes.
“You seem better, it’s a relief”.
 “I just realised something. Remember the other day when I joked about your google research?”
“YAH! How many times do I have to tell you, I did NOT search for blowjobs instructions”.
“I know now!” he laughed.
What happened was that, about 2 months ago, you made a google research on your laptop while you were waiting for him at his studio. You had written “How to give a good head massage” but the research bubble showed everything but the important last word. The word that changed the meaning of the whole sentence.
He didn’t want to believe you even when you showed him the page with explicit pictures of the head massage popping from the screen. He thought that you had just opened it fast, to save the appearances. He had teased you for days with that, mocking you gently. 
“I told you that I wanted to use a new technique when I massage your head. You didn’t believe me”.
“Because I didn’t know you were massaging my head. Now, I get it”.
“Why didn’t you believe me?”.
“Why didn’t you massage my head when I’m awake?”
“I don’t know”
“I don’t know either”
Your eyes met and you both laughed out loud. You were happy to have your friend back, at least momentary. You still didn’t know what happened earlier.
“Will you stop mocking me with the blowjob thing, now?”.
“Yes, I already stopped when I noticed that you were mad for real… Sorry hun, I mocked you. I should have known better”.
“Excuses accepted. Now, let’s forget about it… please”.
He didn’t talk for a minute, you were both lost in your thoughts. You grabbed the chopsticks he was holding and swallowed a large portion of ramyeon, hungry.
“Ji”
“Hum?”
“Why were you mad at me tonight?”
“I was not mad at you at all, I was mad at myself”.
“Why though?”
“I’d rather not talk about it”.
“Okay then, but I’m here if you want to”.
“I know... Now go back to sleep and stop eating my ramyeons”.
“Nah, feed me more. I’m starving. AAAAAH” You opened your mouth for him to feed you one bite. He did and gave you his bowl and chopsticks without further discussion. He had decided to let you eat it all anyway. 
“Here, take it” 
“Mmmm, it’s delicious. Thanks Ji” 
He looked at you closing your eyes to savor the noodles, not a single bit conscious that it would break him. He was so naive. When he heard the little moan that escaped your lips after you took a bite, he remembered everything you had said when you were talking about the ‘not blowjob’ research.
“You know, I talk with my partners, it’s their ‘instructions’ that I follow, not general tips made for a general audience on the internet. I adjust with their reactions too. Nobody loves it the exact same way”.
“Ji, for god’s sake! I told you that yes, I searched for that a long time ago, when I was young. From that, I improved my technique and I didn’t feel the need to search again. I wouldn’t be shy to tell you if I would REALLY have searched for it”.
and later that night...
“Please don’t believe that I’m a pro either, I’m not that good! It’s just that I really didn’t search. You know what, now that I think about it, I should search for it. We never know, maybe I could still improve” with a blink. 
Eating your ramyeons with appetite, you were unaware of the thoughts spinning in his head. You didn’t know that your relation was about to take a complete new turn. That the image he had in his mind right was nothing but pure. You were also really naive.
2 years ago or the ocean event
Jiyong had decided to bring you to Hawaii like this, on the spur of the moment and for no actual good reason. Dae and his current conquest joined your improvised journey and the four of you had flight to the paradisiac island for a whole week of pure bliss. 
You closed the door of your room and went down to meet Ji. He texted you that he was already down there, ready for the beach like you had planned before you split last night after you took a walk in the streets with the natives. 
“Hun, were you able to sleep last night?'' he asked, rubbing his beautiful sleepy eyes when you met in the lobby. You walked outside and sat on a bench near the entrance to apply the sunscreen he handed you. Of course, he knew that you would have forgotten yours.
“Nope, there were people banging in the wall and screaming like if they were in distress or something. Did you hear that? Why did she have to yell like that? I would have shove my dick in her mouth if I was her partner, at least she would have shut the fuck up. It was so fake!”
“Woah! You’re violent! Good thing that you don’t have a dick.  Don’t judge, you were not there. It’s just her way of expressing her pleasure, chill hun! No one is hurt”.
“Her pleasure? For 4 hours straight like that, no change in the pace! Come on Ji, you know better! She yelled all night long, how could that even be possible? No rupture in the tempo… No break, no slowing down, no changes in the play, nothing. It was fake, I’m telling you.  Maybe they were filming porn…”
He laughed, you continued.
“In a way or another, she was annoying. But the bitch got fucked and not me. I guess that’s the reason why I’m so pissed” you added. Seeing his eyes widened, you smiled.
“What? I have needs too”
“I don’t want to know” he giggled, placing his hands over his ears. At this moment, Daesung arrived and sat between you and Ji. Looking at one after the other, seemingly in shock.
“Did you hear it?”
“We did” you answered, ready to complain with him.
“It was sooo hot, right? Woah! It gave me and Shirl a lot of audio stimulations. It was nice, we kind of followed their rhythm.” he seemed shocked but pleased at the same time. Without another word, he stood up and left abruptly. You watched him leave in silence.
“Ji, I hate all the couples in the world. All of them”.
“Someone is not in a good mood today. When is the last time you got laid, I can’t pinpoint it”
“Because I never tell you when I do, we don’t talk about stuff like that… but it was a long time. Maybe last year or something”
You were in a relationship with a beautiful man when you had realised that you were in love with Jiyong last year. You were still trying to forget Jiyong, compelling yourself to stop loving him. It was impossible.
“Damn… it’s been a long time. So, your last boyfriend then”.
“Yep… I won’t ask you since you were in a relationship till recently”
“True, she was the last one. 2 months is long... Wait, where are you going???”
“I’m going to calm my hormones in the ocean. I’m suddenly horny and need a distraction. Hopefully the water will be cold enough”
“I’ll go with you, I need it too”
You entered the water running and laughing like kids. You felt light, like there was nothing going wrong in your life or in the entire world. You felt detached from reality but in a good way. The flowing of the tide was languorous, the ocean was forging its own sea-song.  The freshness of the water was invigorating. For at least an hour, you and Jiyong had bickered and played around, alone in your own little universe. You threw water at each other’s face, tried to immerse the other into the water, tried to surf on a cheap plastic plank that was abandoned on the shore, falling on each attempt and laughing like you didn’t have the chance to, lately. The only time you were out of the water was to take a sip of your drink that Daesung was keeping safe for you while sunbathing with Shirlee. It wasn’t quite a good idea to drink that much alcohol when horny … not a good idea at all. 
“Y/n… It didn’t work!” Jiyong said sheepishly.
“I mean it’s water,  it’s slippery… How could it worked” you answered, knowing exactly what he meant. 
“Water turns you on?”
“Damn… not the water itself. But a wet body against another wet body… I mean… Oh, shit! I didn’t mean that you turned me on, it’s not like that. It just reminded me of, you know… things I did in the past” 
It was a big fat lie. You never had sex in the water. But you won’t tell him that his hot and wet skin against yours made you even more needy than you were before. That the water dripping from his bang was sexy. That his muscular arms, shoulders and those damn abs were giving you bad thoughts. You couldn’t tell him anything like that.
“What are we gonna do about it?”
“I won’t do anything, what do you mean?”
“Well… maybe if we turn our back on each other, we can, you know… relieve ourselves. Together, doing our own little things but not... ”
“I got it Ji, no need to say more…”
Was it alcohol? The burning sun? His cute and so sexy smirk? For a moment, you played with the idea. Jiyong had reserved the most private resort he could find in the country and the beach was almost empty. You could see some people away but no one close enough to see anything that you were doing on the beach even less in the water. Some staff members were walking around, doing their own little things. No one cared about what you were doing. Beside, the water was deep blue and it was impossible to see through it.  You could easily jerk yourself off under the depth water and no one would notice.
“But if we turn around, Daesung will get suspicious, he will think we fight and start asking questions. He’s watching over us, you know”.
“Yes… But I can’t get out of the water hun, my cock refused to calm down”.
“You have a big problem, man. I’m so sorry for you” you mocked.
“You’re not helping at all” he was almost annoyed. You understood how he felt, after all, you were horny too. You were both adults, there must be a solution. After all, he proposed something interesting.
“Ji, you know, your hands are in the water right now and I see nothing. Go a little deeper, we won’t notice your arms and shoulders. Turn the other way around, that way you won’t see me while you… you know. I won’t see anything for sure. Don’t worry. Do what you have to do, I won’t look”
“Are you serious? What about you?”
“I’ll be just fine, no worry. I can wait for when I’m in my room”.
“Sure? Ok, you’re amazing!” he smiled widely.
You didn’t know it but as soon as he turned around, he was not so into it anymore. Maybe it was the thought of doing it with someone that was so exciting. A cute and stunning lady… so sexy in her bikini.
You had turned around to let him do his thing but horny you were too. Not to mention, Jiyong, the man you loved in silence for a complete year was about to stroke himself right now, you won’t miss it so you swan towards him. He was in a deep zone, but still able to touch the ground unlike you. You arrived from behind and hugged him tightly, your arms snaked around his neck, your knees keeping balance on each side of his hips, carefully not circling him.
“Is it good?” you murmured.
“What are you doing?”
“Joining the party” You didn’t know, but there was no party so far. His penis had even softened back to its almost normal size.
“Ooooh….”
Where Jiyong was standing you couldn’t reach the bottom, the water level reached your mouth, you tried and you choke on the salted water. You had to keep a hand on him.
“Hun, stay where you are, let’s do it together, but not together. Is it okay with you?”
“Oh Jiiii… I’ve already started” you purred.
“But you’re holding me…”
“Yes, I’m holding you. I won’t drown for an orgasm”.
“Fair enough… I shall get going too, then”
He was clearly not as cocky as he was 2 minutes ago. You figured that you surprised him with your initiative.
“If you prefer, I’ll leave you alone, no worry”.
“You know, I have a voyeur side inside of me, I love this idea too much to let you go”
“Good, cause I’m a tiny bit of an exhibisionnist… well, a big bit finally” you cutely added, knowing it was not an actual word.
He smiled and looked at you above his shoulder, shocked but excited to discover that spicy side of yours.
“Perfect match then” he stated.
“Turn your face around, put your hand on your dick and stroke yourself… let me do my thing…” you palmed his neck and guided his face the other way around so he would be looking at the ocean instead at you, holding onto his back like a baby koala.
“Lord, help me cause I’m a sinner”
He attentively tried to catch a hint on what was happening on his back. You were holding onto his shoulder with one hand and he didn’t see anything, didn’t feel anything. You were cautious not to make any wave. He wanted more visuals, not that he needed it. Just to add some zest to the experience.
“Are you doing it?” The tone of his voice, his signature soft voice, was the most comforting and exciting thing at the same time. He had the cutest and the sexiest tone ever.
“Ji, shut the fuck up”, you said a little short of breathe. So, you had started, he thought.
“Come on, give me something, love. Are you really masturbating?”
You stopped and this is when he noticed the difference of motion in his back, the difference of pressure your knees applied on his hips in order to stay still despite the waves. Suddenly, it was quieter, this is how he knew that indeed, you were doing it subtly.
“You want me to leave you alone?”
He turned around abruptly. Now facing you, the lust in his dark chocolate eyes was sparkling. A sight that you imagined so often, lightning up his beautiful features for your eyes only to see. Not to mention the sunlight gently caressing his skin. His eyes half closed because of the sun. His damped messy hair carelessly falling on his forehead and temples. This vision itself was enough for your heart to melt and your core to liquefy.
“Y/n, I don’t want you to leave. It’s just that I didn’t know if you were doing it for real, I want, I don’t know… I would like...”
“Don’t hold back, tell me exactly what you want, cause I’m horny here and I need to do something about it” you told him as you touched your thigh, a soft caress along your skin, looking straight into his eyes. You didn’t begin but you knew that the moment to come will be pure. Unselfish. Undemanding. Free.
He looked at the movement of your shoulder, he couldn’t see below that level. He wished he had chosen a turquoise and clear sea to be able to see everything that was happening under.
“I’m not sure of what I can ask in this kind of situation”
“Just if you still really want to, think of us as partners in crime.  We’re 2 needy adults that consent to masturbate side by side. We won’t touch each other, just be together while we’re both having fun with ourselves like you just suggested. Let’s say that everything that happens in the ocean, stays here in the ocean. We won’t remember it once we reach the shore and we’ll never talk about it anymore. Deal?”
“You’re wonderful. Deal”
“Now… close your eyes and touch yourself”.
Strangely, you were not uncomfortable with the situation. You knew that no matter what happened, you would be safe and respected. He would never mock you or judge you. You were free to be and act in complete harmony with your desires, without holding anything back. It was the perfect foundation for a meaningful dirty play. In that moment, your chemistry became an ever-bright flame.
He moved his hand down but refused to look anywhere but straight to your eyes. He never saw that luxurious expression on your face, never heard that carnal voice, almost too low to be heard. He needed to hear you moan. Were you the type to hold back because too shy to be heard? He doubts that, now. He wonders if you were more of a high-pitched sounds or a guttural moaner. Suddenly, it was the most important question to be answered.
“What are you doing?” This is when the now ‘face to face’ thing became more interactive. His piercing gaze was on you, it’s you that he was looking at, no one else. 
You smirked. He wanted to play that game, well you were hell of a player!
“You wanna know how I touch myself?” your voice was a low murmur, it sent shivers down his spine.
“Yes, tell me…” he gulped, unable to guess what was ‘really’ happening under the blue sea. How do you like to be caressed? What makes you cum?
“Right now, I’m taking it really slow and superficial…”
You paused to breathe. For obvious reasons, the oxygen demand in your cells has increased with all the symptoms that comes with it: fast heartbeat, short breath, your senses on red alert. 
 “I’m too excited, the second I touch my clit or slide a finger in, I will cum. I love that you’re asking me. It’s fucking hot” you miraculously were able to say.
“Your answer is hotter, believe me. You look really beautiful like that… So sexy…  tell me in detail everything that you’re doing”.
“I’m pinching my clit, I need to calm down... now squeezing it between my palms, it’s good” you moan softly. After a moment you shivered and it seemed that you stopped touching yourself, taking your hand out of the water to show him. 
“You were about to cum?” he smirked
“Fuck yes”.
“You love to touch yourself with me? You love that I look at you pleasuring yourself?”
You nodded, nothing else needed to be said. He grabbed your free hand, your right one, and nibbled every single fingertips, sucking gently. 
“It doesn’t taste anything but salt, damn it!”
His longing eyes never left yours. Just that, him desiring you, dirty talking to you, was sending you over the moon. He gently guided your hand in front of your core and his came back where it was: on your hip.
 “Jiii… now, I’m scratching it all with my nails, it hurts and it’s fun at the same time… ”
“YOU WHAT? Woah! You love when it’s painful?” he exclaimed, shocked. You were not exactly how he imagined you would be, sexually speaking. To be honest, he thought you were a sweet vanilla girl, one that prefers convenient sex more. That frosted side that he was discovering, pleased him a lot. 
“I love it when it hurts a little bit… I love when it burns… I love when it’s sucked hard. What are you doing?” you breathe slowly between each affirmation.
“Looking at you only, at the moment… I think I will cum in my pants just like that! Hands free orgasm! I bet your clit is swollen right now...”
“Let me see… oooh yes... It’s really sensitive. I’m tracing small lines up and down, it feels good. I won’t last long… I let my nail trails his way up… omph”
Your clit was indeed overflowing with blood. Knowing that Jiyong was watching made you more sensitive than you ever was before. Now that it has started, there was no way out of the game. You couldn't move away from his gaze even if you tried, like he’s eyes have short circuited your mind in the best possible way.
“So beautiful... Do you imagine your fingers to be someone else?”
“Nah! I’m right here with you, it’s already really arousing”
Of course, you won’t tell him that it’s his fingers that you imagine as you rubbed smooth circles across your clit. 
“Ji… It’s good… Now, I slide 3 fingers in… it’s so good… Jiii… I’m gonna cum… Oh lord… I knew I wouldn’t last” 
“I can see it… I feel your hips love… I bet you’re thrusting to meet your fingers, right? … you’re so hot”
You closed your eyes as you locked your hips against your hand, hitting your spot right away. With Jiyong’s obvious enjoyment, the ultimate pleasure hit you. You quivered erratically and in the process you pressed yourself against him.  His wet and slippery chest against yours was enough material for your next 5000 lonely nights. When your mouth founded his shoulder, you sank your teeth onto the trapeze muscle and took a big bite of him. You needed it to suppress your moans. He continued to encourage you, despite the pain.
“Don’t stop now, I’m sure you can surf on it a little longer… that’s it love… Softs movements this time, give yourself some tenderness, my wild flower… softer with your teeth too, please” he asked, cutely and you released some pressure on your teeth but kept your mouth there. “That’s it, moan for me… you make the hottest sounds I’ve ever heard”.
He was right, the orgasm lasted for a little while. Jiyong was holding you firmly against him, his head tilted against yours as he whispered sweet dirty words.You stopped the motion of your hand and stayed like that, holding onto him tightly. Pressing your whole self against his perfectly sculpted body. His soft skin. His melodic speaking voice. You needed time to calm your breath and heartbeat.  It was a one shot deal, you decided that you will take the best out of it for the time it lasts. Therefore, you snaked your arms around his neck, cautious not to touch his middle where his length was probably throbbing. The thought of it made you almost cum again, it certainly didn’t calm the fire that was still burning. Exhausted and feeling really brave, you’ll deal with the consequences later, your nose found the crook of his neck and you nuzzled against his watered and sun warmed skin, drops falling down on both of you from his damped and sexy hair. This intimate and loving contact was risky for your heart but his neck was so prettily offered, you couldn’t resist. It was hard not to nibble onto him. To kiss him. To taste him. To tell him that you love him.
You breathed slowly in his warmth for a moment, your body still trembling softly from the powerful orgasm you just had but mostly because of the proximity with him. The sensation of his strong arm holding your laps against his side while the other rested on the curve of your back, it was overwhelming.
“Your turn, now!” he needed his relief too, you hoped that you will be as hot for him as he was for you.
“Yes love, but can I do something first? You don’t have to say yes. I would like...”
“Don’t ask my permission, it’s our moment and I doubt that you want to do something that will harm me. Just do it”
He smirked, a fucking smirk that would have put you on your knees. A smirk that was never directed to you before. His hungry eyes were half closed but his gaze remained sharp. He was perfect. You felt his hands slide under your arms and played with the bikini top on your back.
“I want to feel you against me, may I?”
“Help yourself” you smiled, letting him play with the fabric of your top. It was so tiny, his fingers were gracing your skin and just that little contact was electrifying.
“What’s going on Ji? Is there a problem?” You teased as you joined your hands on the back of his neck, forearms on his shoulders. 
“Hun, where is the tie?” 
It was your turn to smirk. He frowned, scrutinizing your face. You were preparing something, it was obvious. 
“Remember my bikini? The knot under my boobs is what you’re looking for”.
“Oh my god! Like a bow on a gift! Isn’t easy to pull on a string and strip your boobs naked”
“Han, han!” you purred, with a tone that implied that you didn’t mind the strip tease. You teasingly stroked his calf with your foot. “So, what are you gonna do about it? If you want to feel my chest against yours, you know what you have to do”, you said, defying him.
“Are you challenging me?” he asked as his hands found your neck. His thumb traced a line down your throat and went lower to the swell of your breast. A soft and light caress, almost too soft to be felt. He wanted to tease you too, you were way too cocky and he needed to show you how he too, could be in control.
“Who’s challenging who now? You’d like me to pinch those nipples, right? To rub them between my fingers”
He said as he brought both hands in front of your boobs as if he wanted to grab them. But he never touched you. He stayed close enough for you to feel his warmth, feel a little contact here and there throughout the thin fabric, but never touching you for real.
“I’m sure you have a sensitive breast and that you are screaming from the inside right now. You would like to be touched so badly. Am I right?”
“...” excited at the idea, you could do nothing but grasp.
“Answer me, love”
“Yes, I would love your hands on my breast” you gulped.
“Well, too bad, you set the no touching rule” he winked “But I’ll free them and you’ll soon feel me, don’t worry”. It was ‘his turn’ and yet, you felt the center of the attention. The tables had to turn. 
His fingers slid down your breastbone, caressing your skin. There, he was touching you for real and it put you on fire again. He knew what he was doing, he noticed your shivers. When he found the bow, tied just under the swelling of your breasts, he had fun with the fabric before tearing the cords apart. Very slowly he pushed your bikini top to the side, his eyes on yours.
“So sensitive”
“Remember Ji, it’s no touching and no looking.” 
“You’ll be the end of me, you little brat”
He wasted no more time. With one hand, he grabbed you by the hip and dragged you closer. He turned his feet to the side to move his pelvis away from you and surrendered completely to what was to follow.
“Can I guide you?” You asked timidly.
“Yes, I’ve never tried that… Go ahead, be my hand”.
It was true. He had met willing women before but never playful the way you were. You were a mixture of sexy, dominant, cute and submissive. You loved it rough too, it seemed, even though what you were doing was quite soft. A perfect match for him.
“You’ll do exactly what I tell you to do. Okay?”
“Of course”
“Good… Let’s go… are you touching yourself right now?”
He showed you his free hand, the one not holding you.
“Let’s switch hands. I want you to hold your dick with your left…”
“YAH! Why my left? It’s not the good hand” he interrupted
“Oh, I know that” you winked “Go, now. Good!”
He sulked in annoyance but was ready to follow your lead nevertheless so he had switched arms. His right one was holding you against him, on that he won’t compromise.
“Very good Ji, let’s run your thumb on the tip slowly. Is it good?”
“Don’t apply much pressure on your shaft, keep your hand loose around it. We’re taking it slow!”
“I feel so vulnerable and so powerful at the same time, it’s ecstatic… I want more, give me more”
“ Shhhhh, one thing at the time. Don’t go too hard on it ok, gentle touch. Grab the skin between your penis and balls. Squeeze gently. Use your fingertips, it’s good, I see you love it. Palm it gently while your fingers tickle your balls… good… your face is telling me that we are doing a good job” he had closed his eyes shut. His breathing increased already.
“I need more”
“You’ll have more, shut it. Don’t hold your moans back though, ok? I want to hear your pleasure. Not too loud… that’s it, in my ear”.
“Baby can I stroke myself?”
“No, you can’t! Let go of me, I’ll stay in place no worry, look I’m rubbing myself against you… Good… Put your penis between your palms and roll your hands in opposite directions. If you like when it hurts, put more pressure, roll… roll… roll…” 
His face twisted in pleasure, moans slipping from his lips.
“Never done that to my dick, it feels good. Is this how you give a handjob?”
“I might do it, yes”
“mmmm, it feels so good baby… aaah”
You let him proceed and before you noticed a sign of impatience, you continued.
“Now, if you’ve never touched yourself like that, or never been touched like that, it might seem surprising. But obey, it will be good”
Curious, he opened his eyes and looked at you smirking.
“Okay…”
“Take your glands between your thumb and index and squeeze very geltly. Apply this pressure all around the circumference. Don’t brush your fingers together, it will hurt. Just put pressure. Squeeze... Are you there? Keep your fingers smooth but be firm on the grip. Press firmly.”
“It feels so good… aaah”
 “Apply as much pressure as you can take. It has to be a little painful, but just a little Ji, we want it to be fun”.
The only sounds slipping from his lips were soft moans. He seemed to enjoy the touch. Maybe you surprised him. You hope you did.
“Open your eyes Ji. I want you to know that it’s with me that you are jerking off with. Keep those eyes on me”.
“Of course it’s you… you’re the only one here with me”
“I certainly hope so. Now, circle the base of your cock with your thumb and one finger, only one. Don’t put too much pressure. Are you doing it?”
“Yes…”
“Move your hips back-and-forth. Fuck your own hand slowly, gently… Good job! It’s increasing, isn't it?”
“Yes, I could cum like that”
“Then loosen your fingers, loosen it right now!”
“I fucking hate you”  he was frustrated but he obeyed nevertheless.
“I know you do, I know… I’m so mean when you were so good for me” you took your sweetest voice, your innocent voice. One that he didn’t know you had.
“Keep your fingers loose and pump now, real slow. How does it feel?
“Way too good… but it’s not my hand”
“Ooooh, may I ask?”
“Yours” he said, looking straight into your eyes, waiting for your reaction. You blush, shy.
“Does my hand feel good, around your cock?” you were already back to the play.
“It feels better than mine...” he murmured. 
“Amazing, now, put more pressure around your cock and go just a little faster with those hips. Fuck yourself in my hand”
He moaned, sweet sounds falling from his lips. You pressed yourself against him, your hard nipples caressing him as you both breathed in and out slowly.
“You love it, when I guide you?” you whispered in his ear.
“mmm” he moaned
“Use your words”
His eyes started to roll back, aroused. It was beautiful to witness.  He was weak on his legs, holding still with a solid grip on your hip. 
“I love when you guide me”.
“I can see that you do. Let go of your cock and play with your balls a bit. Squeeze them. Feel their weight”
“Jesus Christ… I was about to cum
“Oh, I know” you teased murmured in his ear. “But I’m not ready to let you  just yet. Are you playing with your balls?”
 “Hum, hum...I never loved to play with my own balls before today…”
“Can you use both hands? Yes? okay. Grab your cock with your fist and stroke not so gently while the other hand squeeze your balls… good, you’re doing good… Stroke again slowly but with a strong grip. Ji, slow down, I see you are cheating. Good… Twist your shaft when you come up, slowly, does it feel good?” His grin told you that he really enjoyed it.
“Yes…. ah… Y/n,  you’re evilish”
His sweet sounds, his voice that you always found so soothing, was now turning you on, it lit a fire between your legs. Again.
“Faster baby, faster…. Now stop”
“What? No…I can’t stop” he continued to stroke, you could tell by the movement of his shoulder.
“No?” 
“Y/n… I’m… aaaah… Argh” he could barely stay on his feet while he ejaculated in a violent burst, screaming your name out loud.
“ARE YOU GUYS OKAY”? You heard Daesung asked from the beach.
“DON’T WORRY DAE, HE WALKED ON A SHELL” you answered, your eyes on Ji. 
The sight of him as he reached his orgasm was the definition of beauty and hotness. He was perfect and so was the moment. His head tilted to the side and his mouth twisted open, he was in a blissful agony.
“aaah… aaaah”
“Don’t you dare stop moving your hand, you have more juices, I’m sure of it. Feel me against you, imagine it’s my hand, mouth, core… Whatever you prefer but keep going. I want you to empty that load… Stroke yourself… continue”
One last softer moan, a great final thrill and he was done. You felt his whole body relax against yours and his face fell on your shoulder, panting. He kissed it gently as soon as his lips landed on your skin. He was breathing heavily in your ear, the most endearing melody of them all. Combined with the murmur of the waves, it couldn’t be more perfect.
You were not sure if your heart would survive this. Not sure at all that you will be okay with him, having a girlfriend later, now that you know how he sounds like when he was having sex. How he feels. How he looks. How playful he was. You don’t think that you will be able to breathe, imagining him with another woman. Making love to her… No, you don’t have the right to think like that… You were just a lost case.
You moved away from him and gave him your most reassuring smile. He cannot know what’s got into your mind right now. That suddenly, instead of letting go of him, you would do the exact contrary. You would snuggle yourself against him and stay there forever and ever, in the comfort of his arms. 
“Thank you, it was… I have no words. And we didn’t even touch!”
“I know, right?” 
“Will you be okay with it? At home, I mean”.
“Absolutely” you lied “You?”
“Okay, good then. Good. Me too.” He showed no signs that it could be otherwise.
Both amazed by what just happened, you walk away from each other. Reality was hitting you both and you didn’t seem to want that moment to end. Neither of you. But you had to go back to your reality now.
You wanted to fix your bikini top but he stopped you, grabbing your hand between his, keeping them against his chest.
“Let me do it, hun. With the non touching thing and in the middle of the ocean, the aftercare are limited. At least, let me put it back in place for you”.
You nodded, he continued.
“You’re okay? Are you always that rough with yourself?” he asked as you placed the triangle back in place, this you won’t let him do. You felt no judgement in his tone though, just curiosity.
“I was not rough today, Ji. I even showed you my vanilla side”.
“What we did was soft, I agree. But the way you caress yourself, and me indirectly, it was not the softest touch. I didn’t know you had that in you. It was nice, I loved it”.
“Agreed, it was really nice”.
He tied the knot back in place between your boobs. After one look to approve his doing, he declared that you were all good to get out of the tub.
“Do you regret it?”
“I don’t. You?”
“Nope”
“What happened in the water stays in the water?”
“Absolutely. Let’s forget it ever happened even though it will be rough”.
 You swam towards the shore gently, side by side, as if nothing sexual ever happened. 
“Do I have a mark on my shoulder”.
“Oooh, that? Oopsie” you answered cutely. 
“You think you’re a shark or something? Jesus, it will hurt for days”
“I’m sorry but not sorry at the same time, it’s hard to explain” you teased.
“You little brat”
“Am I?” You shrugged  “But how are you gonna hide it from Dae?”
“I won’t, I’ll say that I’ve been bitten by a fish. Even better! I’ll say that mama shark bite me”
You both laughed and you realised that he had swam behind you. Snaking his arms around your waist, he said 
“Thanks Y/n, seriously. I won’t talk about it, it’s the deal. But it will be really hard to forget”
“Agreed. Thanks to you too, it wouldn’t have been that magical without you”.
Even though you didn’t really touch each other, you felt connected to him in the most beautiful and voluptuous way. A bittersweet feeling invaded you. You didn’t regret what happened but you wish you could have more of him. All of him. His love, for example. 
Before you parted, the aching to be in his arms began anew.
Present day
When you opened your eyes later that morning, you were laid under his comforter. For some reason, at the end of the night you were agitated in your sleep and couldn’t rest comfortably.  It gave you a weird feeling of anxiety. Was it because you were in Jiyong’s bed? In 5 years of friendship, the only time that you found yourself here was when your niece got sick. More likely, pretended to be dying from a runny nose just to be taken care of by the man of her dreams, the one and only Jiyong oppa, as she called him so cutely. Jiyong was so endearing to watch as he rubbed camphre on her back with caring hands. He was taking care of the sick little princess as if she was really dying. It was touching and cute and adorable. It’s probably then that you realised that he was the man you loved. Damn, it was already 3 years ago, how can time fly that fast?
“What makes you smile like that” his voice was sleepy and soft. So soothing and familiar that you calmed down a bit. At least, felt less out of place.
“I just remembered when the little princess slept here, between us. She used all sorts of tricks to get you to take care of her. Damn, I should learn from her, she can get what she wants just clicking her little chubby fingers. She mastered the art” you joked.
“Aaaw! She was so sweet. It was fun to take care of her with you. I felt like I was a king”
You burst out laughing. 
 “Duh! I couldn’t take care of her, she only wanted you. Jiyong oppa here, Jiyong oppa there”.
You turned to face him, holding your head in your hand. It seemed that he was awake for a little while, he had filled an entire notebook with lyrics, drawings and song ideas.
“You couldn’t sleep”? you asked, reaching out to pull back a strand of hair that was falling before his eyes. 
“Nope, you snore too much,” he joked as he felt one finger grazing his skin. How could such a simple contact could feel so good? Because it was you, probably.
You knew he was teasing you. For some reasons, you felt the need to get closer to him. To cuddle up with him. To show him that whatever happened last night, you were there, by his side. But not knowing how he would react, you restrained yourself from doing it.
“Jiyong, can you believe that in 5 years, it’s the second time that I sleep in your bed? It’s so comfy, we should be doing it more often”
“You… you want to sleep in my bed?”
“Relax loverboy, I said it like that. I just realised that whenever I sleep here, it’s always on the couch… I didn’t mean anything. Anyway. I’ll get going, I have to work in the afternoon”. 
“Already? Normally you stay a little longer. Can you stay a little longer?”
“What’s gotten into you? Last night you didn’t talk to me. This morning I want to let you have your space and you want me to stay. I’m not following, Ji”.
“Well, I really want you to stay. I need to clear up my mind. I need to…” he stopped when your body crashed against his. His hands came to rest on your back, his nose on the top of your head. You felt so good against him with your scent invading him, it was endearing. He knew your intention was to comfort him. He knew you were just worried, thinking that something bad was going on. Maybe that was it, after all. Maybe it will soon be the end of your friendship because of his stupid ass. 
“I’ll stay like that for 5 minutes, then I’ll leave. I really need to get going, I have some shopping to do before my shift. If you want to talk, I’m here. Otherwise, I’ll just listen to your heartbeat and relax before the day starts. You’re so comfy, Ji.” 
You snuggled closer against him. His delicate smell was so familiar and appealing at the same time. You didn’t know where to place your hands, though. Hugging was not a habit of yours. Even less hugging in bed like that. In what situation did he put himself, he wondered. 
“I might have a question… Do you remember what happened in Jeju Island last year? Do you remember the kiss that we shared?”
You froze. You didn’t see it coming at all. Why asking you this after all this time? You coughed, sign that you were uncomfortable. Clearly, you knew what he was talking about. And your little cough won’t be unnoticed or misinterpreted by his sharp ass. He continued.
“Do you think about it, sometimes?”
“No, why would I?” you giggled, nervously. There was nothing funny with his question. “Sorry Ji, I didn’t mean to laugh, it’s not funny. You caught me by surprise”
“I do, think about it… From time to time, I do. Lately, I think about it even more often”
You moved away from him and laid on your back. You shouldn’t have come in his bed last night. You had crossed a line and it could be misinterpreted by him. What have you done?
“Why, though?" 
“Do I need a reason to remember good memories? You know, it was not a simple peck, it was so passionate and emotional. I’ve never been kissed like that before or after. Of course, I will think about it”.
“Well, yes, I do think about it too, indeed”.
Your eyes met his. He seemed sad, desperate and shocked. Something was happening in his life and he needed to remember comforting moments, you thought. Maybe he felt that raw and pure love that you had for him, when you kissed. 
“You loved it?”
“What’s that question? Ji, you’re making me feel uncomfortable. You were there, do I really have to tell you how I felt? Didn’t you feel me? See me? I have nothing to add.”
“Don’t be mad at me, please. I was just… I don’t know. But please, I beg you, don’t be mad at me today”.
“I’m not mad, I just don’t want to think about it, it won’t do any good. Listen, I have to go. I forgot that I have to give a lift to a coworker”.
“You’re running away from me” he said, grabbing your side to keep you from standing up.
“Yes. I am, I admit”.
“Please don’t leave me like that”
“Ji, I will be back, I’m not cutting ties with you. I just need to work. And when we meet again, I don’t want you to remember that kiss… or talk about it”.
“Then, what about the other thing we did, in the ocean?”
“Ji, stop. I don’t want to remember any of it….”
“Why? Do you regret what we did?” he wondered.
You tried to escape the bed but he dragged you closer to him instead. He captured you in his arms and kept you there. You still felt safe and you knew that he would let go of you the second you ask for it. Despite, you didn’t move back. 
“I promise I won’t talk about any of it… But, please. Can I please hug you a little longer. I need to… I just need it”.
He was so emotionally raw that you couldn’t refuse. After all, you will never be able to escape Jiyong for good, will never have the wish to do so anyway. You relaxed in his arms and gently leaned your head on the same pillow as him. He felt all the muscles of your body relax at the same time and you melted in his arms, cute little spoon that you were. Finally, you had let go.
“I lied. Not only do I want to talk about it, I also want to do it again. I want to do it all the time” he said. But it’s your cute little snore that answered on your behalf. You had fallen asleep, in the security of his arms.
“You chose your moment to fall asleep, you little brat” he laughed. 
It was a good thing that you didn’t hear it. It won’t risk your friendship for a dirty play. He couldn’t lose you, you were too important for him. He won’t let that happen. With a kiss on your head, he pressed his legs against the back of yours. Then, he abandoned himself to sleep, too.
Last year, sharing one hot kiss.
With a bunch of friends, you had rented a few condos units in Jeju Island to celebrate Jiyong’s birthday. He had a girlfriend at that time but it’s during this week-end that she had decided to break up with him, telling him that he was “too much to handle” for her liking.
What was supposed to be a fun week-end, turned out to be a blast for everybody except for Jiyong and you. How were you supposed to be happy when your best friend was crying alone outside in the dark.
“Leave me alone, Y/n. I just need some time”.
“I know, don’t worry, I only brought you a blanket, it’s frisky tonight!”
He noticed that indeed, you had laid a big comfy blanket on his shoulders. You knew better than him! He was cold and didn’t even notice. He sighed, heavy.
“See? I didn’t realise that it was cold. How can I notice that she was unhappy with me when I can’t even notice when the temperature drops”
“Ji, I know it hurts, believe me, I know…”
“Duh! As far as I know, you’ve always been the one to leave.Have you ever been dumped?”
“No, I haven’t but I know how a one side love feels like”.
“You never told me that you were in love with someone that doesn’t love you back…” 
He was talking very slowly, struggling with his pronunciation. He probably won’t remember any of it tomorrow.
“I don’t tell you every single thing that happened to me. Listen, I’ll leave you alone. Text me if you need me, I’ll be here in a second”.
“Nah, stay here and share that bottle of vodka with me”.
He had caught sight of the bottle you were holding with one hand. Sitting by his side, you had handed him the precious liquid. He took a long sip, making an appreciation sound when he was done.
“Aaaah! Thanks, hun. The lost cause is happy”.
Judging by his speech and his general condition, it was far from his first consommation tonight. He was wasted. Once again, you stayed silent. You knew he was having an emotional breakdown right now, you’ve been there yourself. He was so in love with that model and he didn’t see it coming at all, of course he was broken. It was breaking your heart to see him that sad.
“You must be happy, right? You never loved her!”
“You think I’m happy when I can feel your sadness with every cell of my body?”
“You heard me”
“Jiyong, don’t go there. We’ll fight and I don’t want to fight with you”.
“Pfff. I know what you are thinking”.
“You don’t know, stop being like that”.
“Or what?” 
“Or nothing. Just stop. I explained myself many times before. You know why I never loved her. But she seemed to make you happy so I was making great efforts not to get in your way”.
“Ooooh, is this why I didn’t see you the last month or so?”
“Damn, didn't you realize that I had been discreet so as not to harm your relationship with the asshole”?
“I told you, I’m too stupid to realise what’s under my nose. She is right, I didn’t take good care of her”.
“Okay, Ji, that’s enough. She was a manipulative woman, she was using you to boost her own career. You did everything to please her and yet she asked for more. I told you all that before but you didn’t believe me. Next time, trust my intuition. I’m never wrong”.
“I thought you were jealous”.
“I wasn’t jealous. I was mad because she was treating you badly and you refused to see it. But yes, you’re right too. I was jealous… I got to see you less because of her and it hurt. You didn’t even notice that I disappeared from your life, it pissed me not gonna lie”.
“Oh no! Shit. I’m gonna throw up”.
He did throw up for almost 30 minutes outside in the parking lot and even after, when he laid in bed. You couldn’t let him in that state, scared that he might vomit in his sleep and choke on it. That night, you didn’t close your eyes, looking out for him. Wiping his mouth after each puke, cleaning the floor, giving him water, meds and fresh linen for his forehead. You did it because this is how he deserves to be treated. With care and affection.
Just before going back in Seoul, as you were about to close the door of the condo that you had rented for yourself, he appeared behind you and snaked his arms around your chest, in a protective manner.
“Y/n… I want to thank you for staying by my side all this time. I know you wanted to try hitting on Jae but you couldn’t because of me.  Thanks, I really appreciate it. And I’ll invite him over for you to meet again.”
“Don’t mention it, it’s alright. And turns out that Jae is a douche, so forget it”.
“What happened?”
“Well, yesterday morning, he came out of his condo with 2 girls under his arms”.
“What’s the problem? If they all consented…” you closed the door and turned towards him. He was clearly not getting the point here.
“Problem is, he didn’t invited ME”
“Ooooh…. I see”.
“No, you cannot get it. You don’t know what it is because you have never experienced it. All the girls are at your feet. You enter a room and all eyes are on you. Women want you, men want you. Elders want you as their son-in-law. You don’t know what it’s like to feel ugly, unnoticed and unwanted. I’m sorry but you…”
You couldn’t finish your phrase. He stepped towards him and held your face in his chest, whispering soft words in your ears while you cried not so cutely. You felt good, thus wrapped in the comfort of his arms.
“We were 4 women Ji. Fucking 4. He invited 2 of them to his bed, the other one is Youngbae’s girl. You know what it means? Out of the three, I was the fucking last choice. How’s that?”
“I’m sorry hun, I really am. But maybe, he didn’t invite you because you were taking care of me. YES! That must be it. He invited them 2 to replace the only one he wanted to have sex with. See? It takes 2 to replace you!”. He wanted to cheer you up and it was working. 
“You’re silly” you smiled even though you knew he was wrong.
You had calmed down, so you stepped back from him. You were normally not cuddly with each other. Not that you didn’t like the contact, it was just like that. His arms didn’t feel uncomfortable but it was not fun either. The whole situation, the whole week-end was not.
As he looked into your sad eyes, he did the only thing that came into his mind. It was stupid to do but he didn’t had much time to think about it, he acted on an impulse.
“Well, now you will be able to say that you were kissed by the legendary G-Dragon”
And he had leaned in, lifting your chin up with his index. 
What he wanted to be a soft peck became a surprisingly hot and feverish kiss. One that normally leads directly to bed, don’t pass go, don’t claim 200 dollars. Whose tongue was inside the other’s mouth first? He couldn’t tell.  After a short moment, he had withdrawn in shock but when your finger traced the spot on your lips that he just left, he had no choice but to dive in for a second taste.  
It was delicious. He melted into you like ice-cream under the warm sun and so did you. He felt like he belonged next to you, and you next to him. It seemed that your lips were drawn to fit his. That your tongue was made to dance with his. That his hands were the perfect size to circle your waist. Not only your bodies were in perfect harmony, that kiss held the sweetness of your friendship combined with a million loving thoughts. It all condensed into a moment of burning heat.  
He had just felt your boobs pressed against him and your mouth against his neck, a delightful sensation, when you heard someone coming your way. Youngbae was coming out of his condo, he would soon turn the corner and discover you. Unfortunately, you had to split apart. To stop that fire that had ignited. That desire that consumed you. 
“Ji, we shouldn’t have crossed that line…” you pushed him away.
“I know. Let’s forget it happened” he answered in shock, not sure about what just happened and why it was not a good idea. It was so perfect, it couldn’t be a bad thing.
“Good idea” 
It seems that you were equally eager to end the conversation. Obviously, both for different reasons.
“Are you mad, Y/n?” he asked later, in the plane.
“Mad about what?”
“Duh, the kiss!”
“What kiss?” you answered, determined never to think about what had just happened.
To this day, you never said anything about it. It was almost like a faded dream. Did it ever happen? 
Present day
When you had woken up after your little nap close to lunch time, you felt reposed and relaxed. Jiyong was spooning you, his arms clutching onto your waist. His warm chest rose against your back at the rhythm of his soft breathing. On your neck was the most satisfying thing that you ever felt in your life, Jiyong’s warm breath. Smiling, you softly turned around to face him, you needed to look at his perfect face. You made sure to be as quiet and gentle as possible not to wake him up. Unnoticeable like a mouse.
When you faced him, his naked legs automatically intertwined with yours. He dragged you closer to him with one strong arm and your hands landed on his chest. Snuggling your nose against his shirt, you felt butterflies dancing in your stomach, threatening to fly away with your heart on the same occasion.  Was the mornings in his arms always perfect like that?
“Mmmmm hun, you feel good” It was not a question, it was a statement whispered with his lazy voice. One that leaves no place to doubt, hatred or anxiety. A voice that could heal a broken heart and guide another out of the darkest places. 
He knew that it was you in his arms and still, he didn’t flinch. You felt so stupidly good that you had to stand up and leave. It was too perfect. Too intimate. Too soothing. Your heart won’t survive this. For the sake of your mental health, you had to leave now. 
“I have to go Ji, I’ll be late”.
“Already? No, stay a little longer. We’re so comfy”
He hasn't opened his eyes yet, still blurred from sleep. He seemed so peaceful, it was endearing. You didn’t know what was going on with him, but one thing was certain, he hadn’t been himself since last night.  He even had shown small changes in his behavior in recent weeks. 
Brushing these thoughts on the side, you moved away from his arms. You’ll have plenty of time to fall in the downward spiral of sadness later, thinking that you will never be his. That he will never be yours. You escaped the peaceful cocoon you were wrapped in and went out of his bed. Out of his house. Out of your own mind.
Later that day, after your shift
As you arrived at your place, you opened your message app and started to read it. At the same time, you took your shoes off by shaking your feet one by one, over the rug in the hall. Right after your shower when you sat on the couch with a bowl of Japchae, you passed out exhausted.
Meanwhile, Jiyong was upside down. He had spent the day thinking of you, your relationship. He was affirmative, his feelings for you had changed, he was deeply in love with his best friend. There was no doubt in his mind. And he had no idea how you would react to it.
He didn’t want to lose you, but the feeling was so strong now that he accepted it, he had to confess. He needed to. 
Unlike your habit, and the timing couldn’t be more paradoxical, you had left him on read all day. It happened once before but it was because you were too busy with work. Why did it have to happen on a day like today, when he was already so out of his mind. Did you feel him today? Did you realize the changes taking place in him? Was that why you ignored his calls and texts? Were you angry? Maybe you found him too clingy. Maybe he made you feel uncomfortable.  He was going crazy with all these questions when he realised that it was already 2am. It was obvious that he wouldn’t be able to sleep tonight. Sighting, he wore his ‘incognito costume’, meaning jogging pants, a hoodie, a face mask and a beanie. Nothing fancy, nothing to expose his identity. Hopefully, the streets will be empty at this time of the night.
He walked around his neighbourhood, wandering. He could only think of you, what your reaction could be when he’ll open his heart to you. He didn’t want to imagine the worst, he couldn’t imagine you rejecting him, his heart felt heavy with pain just at the thought of it. With the consequences that this could bring, the changes to your relationship. We should not dwell on it. He had to go heart first and confess, hoping for the best.
He realized that he was now in front of your apartment block, that he had been walking along your street for a while now, like a stalker. What if something happened bad to you? Just thinking about it made him anxious. He needed to see you, to make sure that first you were safe and warm and second that you were not mad at him. That he didn’t lose you. But why would you be mad? It was a downward spiral of thoughts. It had to stop.
He entered the building with his key, took the elevator and then ran in the hallway impatiently. He couldn’t wait to see you. To tell you. It was a strong and invalidating feeling, he had to confess. His heart had to come back to normal, otherwise he would go crazy.
Unable to wait for you to open the apartment door, he slammed it open. What he discovered inside broke him into pieces, in the best way possible. You were wearing that same old clothes he saw you so often with. That horrible kit that made him hiss in disapproval each time he saw you dressed in. There was nothing he could do to make you stop wearing it. He had tried it all.  Somewhere along the way, he had let go. It was a really good thing, it allowed him to discover you curled up on the couch with untouched food on the table near you. Your hands were hidden in the sleeves of your sweater, joined under your chin. You were so cute, peacefully asleep in your comfort clothes, his heart melted.
He squatted down in front of you and with much tenderness, he caressed your face. He didn’t want to wake you up, he just needed to touch you. He was finally able to breathe. 
You felt his hand on your cheek and automatically, you knew it was Jiyong. You must have been dreaming, you were at your place, alone. Humming with content, you whispered his name with a satisfied smile across your lips and turned to face the other side. 
“Sleep, hun… I’ll wait tomorrow, I can wait now”.
“Ji?” you exclaimed in surprise. “What are you doing here?” you asked as you rub your eyes and opened the light that sat on the low table. When you discovered his features, you jumped off the couch and sat on the floor in front of him. “What’s going on? What happened”.
He didn’t understand what you meant, he didn’t say anything yet 
“Ji, you cried! What happened?”
“I cried? ooooh, yes” patting his face he realized that he did, indeed, have semi-dried tears on his cheeks. So he cried and didn't realize it.
“Why??? What happened?” you asked in a hurry.
“Nothing happened. I just cried…”
“Something must have, you had cried and landed in my living room at 3 am” you cupped his cheeks and started a visual inspection of him. You needed to make sure that he was okay, that nothing happened to him. That he was not sick or hurt physically at least. He found you beautiful.
“I love you”
“Yes Ji, I know… love you too” you answered mindlessly as you scritized his face, concentrating on your inspection.
He grabbed your wrists and held your hands close to his heart. He had started to talk, he couldn’t stop now. He didn’t want to. With all his courage and all the hope he could gather, he repeated.
“Y/n, I love you” 
“...”
“I love you”
You understood what he just said, the words he pronounced but not quite the meaning. You locked eyes with him, searching for an answer to your unspoken question. His beautiful eyes were not sparkling exactly the same way than before. He seemed agitated and peaceful at the same time, it was strange.
“Ji? What’s going on? Are you drunk?”
“Yah… Pabo! Let’s sit more comfortably, I’ll explain”.
You both transferred on the couch, sitting face to face with your knees up under your chin. You held your legs against your chest in a comforting manner. He couldn’t resist the temptation to touch you and he placed a hand flat on your forearm, amazed by your beauty as much as touched by your obvious concern.
“Y/n… Let me talk please”
It made you smile. If the situation would have not been that tensed, you would have laughed your ass out and mock him. 
“I didn’t place a word Ji, I’m waiting for you to explain your interruption in my living room in the middle of the night. I think it’s fair to say that I’m letting you talk”.
“Yes, sorry” he scratched his head with shyness “what I meant was let me talk before you do. But first, why didn’t you answer my calls or texts today? I was scared something happened to you”.
“I figure, sorry Ji. I was dead busy today, couldn’t find the time to eat anything or rest. I took a shower and wanted to call you but the minute I sat on the couch, I fell asleep. I didn’t mean to make you worry”
“Fair enough… and what happened at work today? You had a good day? Did you finally decide to buy yourself a cat?”
“Ji…” you cut him. He was running around the bush and you became impatient. “Ji, tell me. What is it about?”
“I promise you that if you don’t feel the same way, I’ll be okay, I’ll manage to survive. Goodness, I’m petrified”.
While he took his sweet time to say what he had to say, an image was forming in your mind. Did he mean what you think he meant? It couldn’t be possible. Febrile, hope bloomed inside of you.
“Ji… what’s going on?”
“I love you”
The mocking gaze of your best friend was gone. Instead, in his eyes you saw a loving feeling come to life. You read in it doubt and hope. Lots of hope. In his eyes, new sparks you never thought that would shine on for you.  This beautiful vision speaked louder than words.
“I realised lately that you’re the one I want to share my life with. The affection I had, it changed into love. Now, I smile like an idiot when I hear your voice. I melt when you pronounce my name. I want my hands on you all the time. I want to hug you. I want to be a better person and make you proud. I want the world a better place just for you to be more safe. I want to make you happy, just like you make me. I want to kiss you. I want to hold your hand on my way to paradise if it exists, and I want to be born with you again in our next life. Say something please…”
“That hand of mine will hold yours till the end of our life and again in the next one. I promise you that”. 
It was not what he expected to hear. He was so scared that you would reject him, he never thought you would really share his feelings. He just hoped with all his heart, unsure and nervous. Therefore, he was unable to process the words you spoke.
“What?”
You didn’t repeat, instead you leaned in and kissed him, putting all your love in the kiss. The tenderness you feel for him, the passion too. You put all those intentions as your lips sealed with his. Tears went down both your cheeks and mixed together before falling on your clothes.
“You love me?” he asked between the kisses. “For real?” 
He cupped your cheeks with a tenderness that you never felt before. His hands on you was now the only thing that matters.
“Ji, I love you. I love you so much… loved you for years now”.
“Woah, really?”
“Let’s not talk about it yet, we have plenty of time ahead. But yes, I love you. I thought I was so obvious”.
“Not at all, I didn’t realize. I’m sorry love, to realize that you were mine this late”.
“It’s okay Ji, I never thought that you could love me back so I'm more than happy right now. I’m in heaven”.
“Me too”
You looked at each other, smiling shyly.
“I can’t wait to bring you out on our first date. It will be so nice to hold your hand… to show everybody that you are mine, that I’m the luckiest man who got the prettiest girl”.
“Aaaaw Ji”
Your heart was so light but it was beating fast at the same time. You were happy like you were never before. You felt fully and wonderfully alive, loved and overwhelmed. Jiyong’s features told you that he felt the exact same way about you. He had that shy loving smile of his. 
“Ji… Is this for real?”
“I could ask you the same”
“Love of my life…” you whispered as you kissed him a sweet and feverish kiss. You broke contact and plonged your eyes into his “you have no idea how you make me feel right now. I’ve been longing for you, for your kisses and touch all this time. I was loving you in silence and now I can finally touch you. I don’t mean sexually… Just to be able to cup your beautiful face like that and I’m in heaven” you said as you cupped his face and kissed the tip of his nose. 
“I doubt the ‘not sexually’ part but I know exactly how you feel. It seems like you are too far away from me. You would be sitting on my lap and you would still be too far. I’m craving for you”
“Come” you said, standing up. You took his hand in yours and as you walked backwards, you guided him towards your bedroom.  His smile grew bigger.
“Where are we going?”
“You confessed your love to me while I was wearing those clothes that you hate so much. I think it’s only fair that we take them off now… I mean, not to ruin your mood”
“You… you sure?”
“Not a bit… I’m scared that I will deceive you. I’m scared that you will not love what you see…”
“Shhhhh” he stopped you with a kiss “there is no such thing possible. You walked naked so many times before me, I already know all your curves”
“I never walked naked in front of you…”
“You do”
“Nope…”
“all the time…”
“Wanna see what naked is? Let me show you” you took your clothes off in the speed of light, exposing your naked forms in front of him. “See? Have you ever seen me naked like that before?”
He smiled a cocky smile and pushed the clothes that were on the floor with his foot. He didn’t answer your question; instead, he held out a trembling hand, the only clue of the fire roaring in him. He put it flat on the side of your neck. His touch was delicate and full of love. You felt his raw emotion in the way he was touching you, looking at you.  He couldn't believe he was so lucky. That you were his and you felt the same.
“I love what I see. I love every inch of that body because it’s yours. I will love and cherish it until the day I die”
A single tear fell down off your eyes. There was no cloud under your sky and if ever you meet some along the way, you will certainly find a way to overcome it. Of that, you had no doubt. 
“I love you Jiyong”
“I love you Y/n”
Without another word, he lifted you from the ground and transported you to you to your bed. With all the love he had, and all the love you had too, you started your new life together in the most beautiful way possible.
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starry-kfics · 6 years
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Hello!! So, I've recently taken an interest in ASTRO? And I was wondering if y'all knew of any performances/comeback stages/ whatever that would be good to watch to get a good feel of the group? You know? Lol, anyway, thank you for your time!!
i legitimately got so excited when i saw this ask bc one of my favorite things abt astro is their live stages and i have an entire playlist of my favorite live stages (from all my groups) so i’m hype to rec some for you!! literally any astro performance is good, they have such an incredible energy on stage and unique stage presence that they blow me away in every single one. i’ll go from debut up through crazy sexy cool [under the cut]
sorry if this is like way too much for you; if it is, feel free to watch just one from each era or something!!
cat’s eye
- quick breakdown of this song, it was like their predebut debut; it was the featured song in their predebut webdrama ‘to be continued’, and so the mv was released before they debuted
- mv - show champion live stage (cat’s eye + their other Fantastic Song polaris) (polaris is the origin of eunwoo’s iconic ‘gachi gallae?’)
hide & seek
- okay so now we’re officially at debut; their concept for their first four mini albums was to make one for every season, and hide & seek is the title track of the first one, spring up; also has the Most Iconic astro dance move imo (the lil pyramid thing they do @ the beginning w bin on top)
- performance m/v - showchampion live stage (i’m partial to the green outfits whoops) - dance practice (always watch to the very end of astro dance practices)
breathless
- first comeback!! this mini album is titled summer vibes and features literally one of the most catchy astro songs ever i get it stuck in my head once a week; another Iconic astro dance move is born with eunwoo holding mj and moving him like a lil airplane
- dance practice - inkigayo live stage (the orange outfits were the cutest fight me) - special stage (they’re wearing cute animal hats what more could u want; also, skip to 2:15 for the actual performance)
growl
- this isn’t astro’s song nor is it even all of astro lmao; it’s a rookie special stage of knk, snuper, and astro covering exo’s growl. the astro members that participated are rocky, moonbin, and sanha!!
- link
can’t help myself
- this also isn’t the entirety of astro, just jinjin; it’s actually an eric nam live stage where jinjin was featured for the rap part!! he absolutely kills it, and he’s like bffs w eric now (fun fact: vernon from svt was featured in another performance of this song and did the rap)
- link
fireworks
- this is another song from summer vibes that they were able to do a live stage of and it’s super cute!!!
- link
confession
- boy oh boy autumn story was The Era for so many reasons but mainly bc confession is just such a damn good song (R-O-C-K-Y) and they promoted it really well too!!
- performance @ the 26th seoul music awards (not typical stage outfits for this era: RED AND BLACK SUITS) - mnet presents performance (filmed during baby era!!) - music core stage (red outfits were superior dont even @ me) - relay dance
replay
- astro did special stage cover of shinee’s replay where rocky and jinjin sing (aka the birth of vocalist rocky, the best thing to grace the earth in 2016)
- link
winter dream
- i didn’t put a specific song, i just did the mini album title bc they didn’t really promote normally during this era with a bunch of live stages on music shows of a title track, they have some stages where they sing should’ve held on (also called again), and they also did some stuff with you&me, which is their song to aroha (their fans) saying thank you for everything and its real cute
should’ve held on/again
- dance practice - kcon la performance - kcon mexico performance - kcon japan performance (intro + again) - kstar live power music (again + baby)
you&me
- special ddoca (this isnt a performance its just them being dorky and cute;; basically a self mv of m&y) - astroad to dc (fancam)
don’t look back
- this is their first time on immortal songs 2 (i cant tell you much abt the premise of the show but from what i can tell they have to prepare a medley or cover or special performance of stuff and astro kills it every time)
- link
baby
- the truly ‘refreshing idol’ era with dream part 01 and it’s also the one that made me fall in love with astro; their stage outfits are literally the best thing ever the aesthetically pleasing ergonomic lines and colorblocking makes literally every baby stage my favorite whoops
- performance mv - dance practice - mcountdown stage - 2x faster vers (from when they went on weekly idol) - relay dance
la bamba
- they were in mexico for kcon mexico and these kings of language did a wonderful cover of la bamba 12/10 would recommed
- link
with you
- their second time on immortal songs 2 and they killed it yet again
- link
because it’s you
- they had a couple short stages of it and its one of my favorite songs so
- link (short) - another link (short) - one more link (full; mwave meet&greet)
crazy sexy cool
- their most recent comeback song in dream part 02 (as of march 2018 when i’m writing this) and they finally have completely dropped the super cutesy stuff; this one was a much more mature comeback but they maintained their refreshing imagine somehow being ‘refreshing sexy’ idk what that entails but they did it
- simply kpop (leather jackets lord have mercy) - dance practice - special dance practice (they goof off and they’re six entire dorks that i love so much) - relay dance - music bank (red!!suits!!) - mbc music (arohas are in the background making shapes and words with little white papers or smth its so cute!!)
run
- they also did full and short stages of this upbeat ballad (is that even a thing) from dream part 02 and its real cute; vocalist rocky has returned to murder us all and jinjin gets to sing again (he’s rlly improved since the last time im proud of my sweet rap boy)
- show champion (short) - simply kpop (full) - mwave meet&greet (full)
beautiful lady
- their third time on immortal songs 2 and this is by far my favorite its funny and well done and just some hq astro content
- link
to you
- they went on a show called sugarman 2 (again, idk much abt the premise of the show but they were on the same ep w red velvet which was cute) and im p sure this is a song cover but anyway i love it a lot (and there’s a pro recording of it available on apple music)
- link
christmas songs
- they had a couple christmas special stages this season that were absolutely adorable
- carol medley - must have love
so that was my list of astro live stages that i hope will help you!! i’m sorry if its too much, i kinda went overboard bc i love pretty much each and every performance they do
i went back to look @ the original ask and i realized that u wanted just a few to get a feel of the group but instead i spent 1.5 hrs making an exhaustive list of quality astro live stages my bad my true trashy aroha self is showing again
if there’s other arohas who have some more good live stages to add, feel free to reblog with those links!!
- mel
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midsummersky · 6 years
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i was tagged by @toast-gh0st to do this 💖 thanks, it was so much fun!! i’m sorry in advance that it got really lengthy, i could rant on about songs i like forever hahaha
rules: list 10 artists you like before answering these questions:
oscar and the wolf
arctic monkeys
the last shadow puppets
the wombats
florence + the machine
spinvis
two door cinema club
beyoncé
placebo
alexandra savior
what was the first song you heard by 6? probably Oostende, put into a moody playlist by a friend (which he shared with me). we were hanging out together, it was late at night, and he was feeling kind of whimsical since his dog had died earlier this week, but we were right in the middle of pride week. the song itself is about a belgian seaside town, though i suspect the town is just used as a vehicle to express the underlying mood of the song. i visited that town once and there’s a really unique glum, but not unfappy feeling in the air. the video was shot there as well on the boulevard.
what is your favourite song by 8? Yoncé/Partition is a fucking masterpiece, don’t try to convince me otherwise. i sneezed on the beat and the beat got sicker yoooooo (though drunk in love is a very close second)
what kind of impact has 1 left on your life? omg well, i got to know OATW through another friend and i saw them first at a festival, after which i was instantly bewitched (in between summer 2015 and now i’ve seen them 3 times). hearing his music for the first time presented me to such an insight about feelings and longing it was scary. especially discovering his debut record felt like i’d found the other missing half of my soul, it compliments my personality so well. killer you was the song that tied it all together.
what are your favourite lyrics by 5? “no light, no light in your bright blue eyes / i never knew daylight could be so violent” -- maybe also because i unconsciously relate it to my ex-bff?? she introduced me to this song and once sent me a pic of the lyrics of this song in her handwriting. thinking it’s better to live in the dark used such to be such a mindset. (this lyric took me half an hour to pick ugh)
how many times have you seen 4 live? once, in 2015 with the same friend (and also his boyfriend back then) who introduced me to spinvis! i remember it was a really great party and in the end he stagedived and acquired the setlist that was taped down by murph’s feet hahaha. i’m also gonna see them again in 2 weeks!!
what is your favourite song by 7? Sun, and it will probably always be Sun. but it was the first song i heard and i’ve got some great memories of summer 2013 linked to it. i like that, while it’s upbeat and happy, there’s a gloomy quality underneath that makes it melancholic, though not too deeply sad.
is there any song by 3 that makes you sad?   yeah The Bourne Identity, every time i hear that bitch of a song i just want to weep, both from empathic sadness and from gratitude that this song exists. i mean, the quality level of alex turner’s songwriting is extra-fucking-terrestial. (y’all who know this song probs know why i picked this, but this song is basically about your outer walls cracking and the image you’re holding up shattering. then suddenly people are looking right at the real sombre/insecure you you’ve been trying to hide. only..... worded less cheesy than i just did loll)
what is your favourite song by 9?  i bear an undying love for Every You Every Me, BUT right now it’s Follow The Cops Back Home. that song has got a great sentimental sunset, suspended-in-time feel that i’ve really come to appreciate. the opening lyric for the last chorus is so well done: “the call to arms was never true / i’m medicated, how are you?” i live for that part of the song.
how did you first get into 2? omg don’t get me started. this is basically 6 all over again, except in a more positive setting. i had cooked hamburgers with that friend and afterwards we were lounging on his couch, and he put on Knee Socks. i hadn’t consciously heard AM before and this was the song that started it all hahaha. it took me another 3 years (and the video of ITWYW) to properly get converted though.
how did you get into 10?  because i’m a fan of am/tlsp and thus of alex turner, and then i heard he’d done a collab with her and her songs seemed so interesting and dark i thought it was worth getting into haha. shades was the song that convinced me, even though it’s a bit of an oddball on the album.
i’ll tag @thaknows​ @partynthem​ @citiznerased​, @indescribablenoise​ and @barbarabaardenbarbier​ to do it too (if you wanna, that is)!
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aegyotrashcan · 7 years
Text
SM’s New Trainee
nct marklee scenario: same age smtrainee from canada. sm introduces you to nct so the english speakers can help you. you're in the next room playing guitar & nct's curious to who is playing&singing. anyways MARK FLUFF where you guys becomes bffs and fall in love. SORRY IF THIS IS SO SPECIFIC :( you can alter it anyway you like. (pls make it a long scenario)
Character: Mark (NCT) Word count: 3114 Summary: Trainee life is hard. But having someone to help you through it makes it just a little easier. Especially if that person is Mark Lee | #fluff
a/n: I don’t think this is all that fluffy but I like the way it turned out! I hope you do too, anon :)
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The first meeting was rather awkward.
That’s how it felt to you anyway.
The least awkward out of everyone present was Johnny, although he could charm a fish out of water. He was easy going and funny and that put everyone at ease. Well, almost everyone. You were still on edge. Leaving your family behind had not only been scary but daunting too. You felt that you were too young to maneuver through life alone, in a different country. But you reminded yourself to focus on the one thing that brought you to Korea in the first place: your passion.
“Hi, I’m Johnny.” The giant smiled and waved, eyes crinkling. “Me and Mark are the best English speakers, so you can come to us if you need help. Jaehyun and Ten are good at English too but, you know, we’re actually fluent.”
You nodded shyly. “Okay, thank you.”
Mark stood awkwardly by Johnny, trying to gather up the courage to speak. “So you’re from Canada?” His voice cracked a little but he hoped no one noticed. Although he was experienced, having debuted in every NCT unit so far, that didn’t make him any less nervous. Each performance brought a fresh wave of anxiety, as did speaking to new people. He liked being perfect and the thought of messing up, of making a mistake, made him jittery. This applied to both on and off the stage.
“Yeah. You are too, right?”
He shoved his hands into his pockets to stop fidgeting. “Yeah. What part of Canada are you from?”
Small talk was made and although you felt no closer to either boy, you did feel reassured to know that they were friendly. If you ever needed help, you could go to them.
Two whole weeks passed before you ran into Johnny and Mark again.
It was the weekend, when only those close to debut or those nearing a comeback are left behind in SM. The trainees, unless in need of extra practice, get to rest. Unfortunately, you were in the latter category. You certainly weren’t foolish enough to think that you would debut immediately. Johnny hadn’t mentioned this to you but you heard from other trainees that he trained for almost a decade before debuting. You didn’t want to be like that, you wanted to debut quickly; quicker than Johnny anyway.
And the only way to do that was to stand out.
Not that you were self conscious or anything, but you knew that this would not happen through your visuals alone. Like all idols, you were attractive. But you had seen Yoona up close and gotten a glimpse of Krystal a week ago. You were attractive, yes, but they were on a whole new level.
There was a rumour among the other trainees, although you did not know how true it was. And it was that an extra talent would bring you up the trainee ranks. Looks, dancing, singing and/or rapping were a given. But with an extra talent, you would shine. Victoria from f(x) had her flexibility, Blackpink’s Rose could talk with her mouth closed, and some other idols could do impressions.
You needed that, a talent, something to stand out.
This is what led you to be sat in the practice room at eight am with a cold cup of coffee, strumming a few notes on a guitar. There was no particular song you wanted to play. Whatever melody came to mind was what led your fingers. It wasn’t until two hours later that you had a decent tune created. The melody was upbeat and melodic, made you think of pastel aesthetics and sugar when you closed your eyes. The song somehow transitioned into Red Velvet’s “Happiness.”
But with your own twist, a remix on the beat.
You started singing along, loosing yourself in the positive lyrics. You hadn’t consciously started singing, it just happened.
“Hey, it’s you!”
You flinched at the sudden voice, eyes snapping open and abruptly stopping your song. It felt as if your ending note echoed in the wooden room. Mark held the door open as Donghyuck peered at you above his shoulder. The door was then pushed open fully and the rest of NCT piled in, one by one. You felt self conscious under their gaze, painfully aware of their good looks.
They were a little sweaty, wearing casual slacks and tops so you guessed they were practicing a dance routine. How did they look so good bare faced? Was that considered a talent too?
“You’re really good!” Jeno tells you, smiling his famous eye smile. There wasn’t much of an age gap between you two but your protective instincts went into overdrive. He looked so cute, so pure, that you wanted to protect that smile from the world.
“Thank you,” you replied.
Jeno’s smile grew bigger. “Are you the new trainee from Canada? The one that Mark thinks is hot-” He was interrupted by Mark stepping on his toe. Jeno shrieked as if he had been stabbed, limping away from Mark to hide behind Taeyong. He peered around Taeyong at Mark with a pout.
“Bully!” he accuses.
“How long have you been here?” Doyoung wonders. He didn’t care for Jeno’s toe, only because he knew it wasn’t broken.
“Since 8.”
“Are you hungry? We’re going to go for lunch.” His smile was small but warm. There was such a relaxing atmosphere that surrounded Doyoung, that was so inviting.
You glance at your watch, surprised to see that it was already twelve. You could have sworn it was eight only an hour ago. The sudden realization makes you realize you are in fact hungry. Your stomach let out a gargle of displeasure and you looked accusingly at it.
“Are you sure you won’t mind me tagging along?” you then ask.
“Of course not!” Mother hen Jaehyun wasted no time helping you put away the guitar, gathering up your things and leading you to the canteen. He listed off all the best foods, pouting when he realized that he could have done. “We have to diet for our comeback ...”
After that day, eating with NCT became a daily thing.
Once practice was over, NCT would come find you. Sometimes that was easy and sometimes that was difficult. You could be anywhere! Trainees were thrown from workshop to practice to workshop to practice, to hone their skills and train perfect little entertainers. Although this relationship with NCT created tension between you and other trainees, you didn’t mind. Sure, it was lonely, practicing by yourself but NCT were all so friendly and welcoming, that it didn’t feel right brushing them off when they had marched around SM to find you.
Nearing the end of vocal practice, you felt all eyes turn on you when the door opened and Ten poked his head in. He smiled when his eyes found you. The other trainees frowned.
“We’re almost finished, Ten,” the teacher calls out. “Just five more minutes.”
“Okay, thank you!”
Those five minutes dragged on, as you longed to be free of this thick atmosphere. A trainee doesn’t miss the opportunity to trip you up on your way out but luckily, you stumble and catch yourself. Then rush out the door.
“Hi. Where are we going to eat?” you ask Ten, forcing on a smile.
“What was that?” he asks immediately. “Did that girl trip you?”
“What girl?” Playing dumb was the only thing you could think to do. Before trying to change the topic. “So where are we eating anyway? We should hurry. Jaehyun’s stomach doesn’t like having to wait.”
“Guys!” Mark’s voice is followed by his high pitched laugh as he jogs towards you. “Why are you just standing around? Jaehyun’s getting impatient!”
The smile on your face is now real.
Mark’s presence could always lift a dark atmosphere. It did take a while of awkward small talk until you could feel comfortable around each other. But now, you two chat aimlessly for hours on end. He even gave you his personal number so sometimes the chats continue on through the night. Each of his texts were so funny, that you hated waiting to read them. Even with the phones brightness hurting your tired eyes, you would still reply. Always. Mark’s texts really were too good to ignore.
He was just a genuine, nice guy. There was no better way to describe him. And even that doesn’t do his good nature justice. Compared to some of the backstabbing that can occur in the music industry, Mark Lee is like a breath of fresh air.
“We’re coming,” you ensure, linking arms with Ten to drag him off.
The three of you fell in line and you quickly forgot about the incident at vocal practice. The boys talked about their new comeback over lunch and their excitement was contagious. You promised to save up to buy their new album.
“You should come to our fan sign too,” Donghyuck says. “I’m so handsome and charming. I’ll make you fall for me right away. Plus, you also get my autograph.”
“I’ll be sure to frame it on the wall,” you respond.
Donghyuck smiles smugly, not sensing the sarcasm in your tone.
“You should also invite your friend,” Ten says out of nowhere.
You hardly hear him, more focused on Chenle who kept trying to steal food from your plate. “What?” you wonder, almost going deaf from Chenle’s dolphin laugh in your ear.
“Your friend from vocal practice. You should invite her too,” Ten says coolly. Your smile drops and the temperature drops as well. Or maybe that was just in your head.
You thought he had dropped the subject.
“You have friends?” Johnny jokes. “But you’re always sitting alone.” He meant no harm with his words but they stung. Only because they were true. You were always alone. Always feeling isolated from your family and having no friends to talk to. Apart from NCT, of course.
“Of course I have friends,” you respond, hoping your smile is believable. “I’m friends with you idiots, aren’t I?”
“Are we your only friends?” Yuta asks. Although you had thought he was arrogant at first, he soon proved you wrong. Yuta was talented and confident in his talent. That didn’t make him arrogant. It made him inspiring. He had no fear in calling something or someone out. At this moment, however, you wished he did.
“You never talk about anyone else,” Yuta continues on.
Chenle sensed the growing tension and stopping trying to play. He left the food on your plate alone but looked at you through the corner of his eye. “Is it true, Noona/Hyung? Are we your only friends?”
You shrugged, feeling the blood rush to your cheeks. “I mean ... I have people I talk to. Some of the teachers ... a few others. Um, Wendy talks to me sometimes.”
“But do you have friends?” Ten pressed.
You shrug again. “I have you guys.”
“The girl tripped Y/N, the girl I was talking about earlier.” Ten explains to the others. “When Y/N was leaving, I seen the girl stick her foot out. No one even tried to help.”
“Are they bullying you?” Doyoung asks. His voice sounded so meek. He thinks of you as a sibling so not knowing that you had been going through this alone made him feel like a bad brother.
“No, no,” you say quickly.
And you mean it. Maybe they were jerks and scoffed when you sang or hid your guitar pick. But no one actually said anything to you. Ever. Like, they never spoke to you. You assumed they whispered among each other about you but no one said anything to you. About anything. Not even the weather. You did everything alone, in silence, with no one to talk to. Did that count as bullying? The more you thought about it, the more you wondered if being alone was more upsetting than you wanted to admit.
Everyone carried on eating in an awkward atmosphere. Chenle and Donghyuck tried picking the atmosphere up and to humour them and the other younger ones, everyone else played along. But the topic was still on your mind, even as you went to bed and woke up in the morning.
There was a text from Mark on your phone: ‘Hey! You up?’ It was sent ten minutes ago, while you were in the bathroom cleaning yourself. So you replied as quickly as you could: ‘Yeah. Why? :)’
His response was instant: ‘Because I’m walking with you to SM. Come outside whenever you’re ready.’ The NCT boys roomed together in their own dorm, but usually there were some missing, since the different units tended to have different schedules. You were housed in a trainee dorm, with twenty others of the same gender as you. It was cramped and cliquey, with you fitting into no group. Which is why you got up extra early, to avoid the glares and tenseness whenever you walked in on them eating breakfast.
At quarter past eight, you were ready and out the door. Mark, as he had said, was waiting for you. He did not smile but nodded as a way of greeting.
“Hi, Mark.”
“Do you leave so early to avoid the others?” He didn’t waste time beating around the bush. The information he had learned at lunch yesterday had plagued him all night. He lay in bed, imagining you being completely alone during the struggles of trainee life. He himself had struggled but at least he had people to talk to.
You shrug, wanting to change the topic. “How was your night? Did you do anything fun?”
He sighed. “You don’t want to talk about it?”
You shook your head and you both began walking.
“Okay. But if you do want to talk, you’ll come to me first, right?” He’s not sure why, but he wanted you to trust him above all others. He wanted to be the one to help you and who you relied on. That realization made him feel selfish so he pushed the thought aside, to not deal with that feeling.
“Of course. You’re my best friend.”
He smiled, feeling chuffed.
Life carried on as normal after that day. You still had practice nearly every day and Mark and the others had their new comeback. Which you watched, of course, and streamed and bought the album. Being broke was worth it to see Mark’s smile when you told him. Their first win came a month after the single debuted and once backstage, Mark rang you second. His parents were the first to hear the news, then you.
“OH MY GOD, DID YOU SEE US ON TV? WE WON, WE WON!”
He was usually so chill, that hearing him scream down the phone was jarring. Excited by his excitement and proud of your best friend, you screamed back: “I KNOW I WAS WATCHING. I’M SO HAPPY FOR YOU.”
The phone call only lasted a few more minutes. He was rambling in excitement and had to take photos with the trophy so he had to hang up. But he promised to meet up with you sometime, now that the comeback was over and he had more free time.
It wasn’t until after the group and individual photos with the trophy were taken, that Mark had another realization. Not only did he want to be the one you went to first, but you were that person for him. Of course, there were his parents. But aside from family, he rang you first. He wanted to hear your voice, to celebrate the win with you and hear you smile. Mark could no longer push away these thoughts. Not when he was starting to make sense of them.
‘It’s because I like them ... I like Y/N.’
His excitement about the win and this realization swirled through his mind. The rest of the night and next few days were a blur. He decided that when he seen you next, he had to tell you. He wanted to always be the person you went to, and although he knew you struggled with fitting in with the trainees, he had seen you talking to Johnny an awful lot. What if, by not confessing, you wound up liking Johnny? Mark couldn’t live happily and watch his crush and hyung kiss one another.
He had to come clean.
It was a Saturday when you got to meet up.
You were glad for an excuse to get out of the dorm and seeing Mark made it even better. Before he could even open his mouth, you started excitedly chattering about the award. Mark laughed and said “Yeah, it’s pretty great. We worked really hard so I feel like we deserved it. I know that sounds over confident but we really did work hard.”
Conversation continued on as you walked to and around the nearby park. You passed by other couples, of which Mark was jealous. He wished to hold your hand like that too. He then decided that he could no longer put the moment off.
“Can ... Can I talk to you?”
“Of course. Is something wrong?”
He led you to an isolated bench. Despite no one being around, he was conscious of a passer by coming eventually so he kept his voice low.
“I want to tell you - “
“What? I can’t hear you.” You scooted closer, staring into his eyes. His demeanor was off, you thought. He was tense and there was a tinge of pink to his cheeks.
“I - I, uh, I want to tell you something.”
You nodded encouragingly.
“And it’s that, uh, I kind of like you. As in like-like. Like, more than as a friend.” He cringed at how bad that sounded. “I know that came out bad but - “
“I like you too,” you smile, moving closer yet again. You placed your hand in his, that was clammy from nerves. “As in like-like. I like-like you, Mark. As more than a friend.”
He let out a high pitched laugh. “This is the greatest week ever!” First the trophy, now you. He felt like he could climb a mountain. “So do you want to go on a date? A proper date?”
“Sure. I’ll go wherever you want.”
“Wanna see that new movie?”
“Sure. We getting popcorn?”
“Duh!”
Coming to Korea had been scary. And every day of trainee life is scary too, since there’s such uncertainty. No matter how hard you work, you might not be good enough for SM. But at least you weren’t alone, not anymore. You had Mark, who will be there for you, every step of the way.
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