#and i CAN'T my mother found my knife. honestly even having it htere whether or not i used it felt like it gave me an option even if i

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

I was actually having a pretty good day until just now :/

#i reread and made notes for two solid hours! 15k of words! #i went for a walk and got ransom a toy and stocked up on chocolate (my excuse is that sometimes when i'm feeling awful eating a bit of #chocolate helps lol and this stuff was 50% off) and generally had a good walk! #and i had a bath. first bath of the season! and i read like hafl of out of hte silent planet while i was bathing and it was wonderful! #mum made the BEST ginger pudding today! #so like. i've had a great day today! #so many blessings! #and now i just feel awful because i ate something and i wanna throw up and i mustn't #been struggling more with dealin w eating lately too at times and in the last week have been deviating from what the dietitian's been #encouraging me (variety) bc i couldn't deal with it #but today was a good day! a great day! and now i feel terrible for no apparent reason #yay me :/ #puddleglum hours #personal #incidentally am SO grateful for the job that requires me to wear short sleeves bc i know that by now i would've harmed deep enough to scar #on my arms as well if i hadn't had the knowledge that the next day id have to be at work w that. the reason this is coming up rn is #bc SURPRISE i rlly wanna harm #and i CAN'T my mother found my knife. honestly even having it htere whether or not i used it felt like it gave me an option even if i #didn't take it. it was a comfort. and now it feels awful not having it esp as idk when i'll get it back and also even worse my parents #litcherally gave me that knife for my last birthday. i don't know how mum feels about that #but yeah i just. i want to do smth drastic so bad #and i CAN'T #tw sh #i don't even know why #ugh