#and forcing myself to reframe my thought process isn't going to change that

[unhinged-nymph]

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#i don't know what I'm supposed to do about being too self-aware for therapy #like im sorry that i can't convince myself into a level of delusion in order to function in this society #cuz that's basically what CBT is #just talking yourself into certain mindsets until they stick #but like #i can't get past the fact that that is literally self-inflicted brain trauma? #like ok the output might be positive #aka being able to do the dishes without having a panic attack #but i cannot get to that point because im aware that im just attempting to trick myself into a state of delusion #i know it works for so many people #but i cannot just convince myself that i'm mentally healthy #i do not get dopamine or seratonin from completing tasks or taking care of myself like “normal” brains do #and forcing myself to reframe my thought process isn't going to change that #I can only distract myself so much ya know? #i'm just frustrated that the answer to my brain being the way it is is to just force it to be a different way #but that's literally TRAUMA like is anyone gonna wake the fuck up to that???? #did you know that our brains are almost exactly the same brains as the early homosapiens??? aka literal cavemen? #I'm working with A CAVEMAN brain that just wants to do specific little tasks and be creative #and also fulfill a specific role in a community #now in this current society we have to fulfill ALLLL the roles #the cleaning the cooking the planning the scheduling etc etc etc #i simply do not have the brain for all of that #plus im TIRED #because i have adhd and probably have autism so im using every last drop of my energy to just survive #so I don't have energy for all the “extra” stuff #which unfortunately for me includes things like laundry and vacuuming and hobbies and seeing friends and being active and touching grass #and this expensive ass therapist is just going to try to convince me that i in fact *do* have the energy and i just need to feel my feeling #and stop telling myself i cant #im not telling myself anything #like does *anyone* fucking get it???