#and depending on the trigger i either isolated myself or when others still kept bothering me i lashed the hell out.) | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

elizabethenroute-blog · 6 years

Photo

No place I’d Radler be

“Plans are what you make to keep God amused.”

This is something my mother’s said to me countless times, and although you may not agree with the religious element, the sentiment is still a good point. It’s impossible to live your life the way you want to. Things, people, natural disasters get in the way, and some would argue the beauty of it all is precisely this unpredictability. An algorithm impossible to understand.

However, this was not the remark I particularly wanted to hear when I was planning my year abroad. For some reason I was convinced that I would be given a placement in the centre of Bolzano, with easy train links to Verona and Padua where two of my best friends are studying, alongside all of the benefits that come with living in a university city.

You can imagine the profanity that ensued when I got the email telling me that while I was going to be in the province of Bolzano, my actual placement was situated 75km north east of the city, in Bruneck. A skiing town, which is apparently the Aspen of Italy, with a population of approximately 16,000 (not including mountain cows). I don’t ski, and my home town in rural Herefordshire has a population just 6,000 less than that. To put it in Shakespeare’s words, I would have bitten my thumb at anyone who got on my nerves that day.

Some would argue that I really got one of the worst deals in terms of placement. The nearest other teaching assistant to me lives an hour away (depending on traffic in the valley), the choirs and societies that I’m interested in are a similar impractical distance away, and teaching in a high school with the drinking age being 16 here, the very thought of a night out is completely off the cards.

It really could have been a recipe for disaster, sat in my mountains with no one to easily socialise with, I genuinely could have lost my mind.

However, the past 7 months have taught me that much of your mental state depends on you staying proactive. Now that’s not me saying that people with depression are lazy, not at all. My point is that it’s easy for me personally to get into a low mood when I just sit around, wallowing for hours on end, which I was very tempted to do on several occasions.

To stop myself from doing exactly this, I’ve tried to plan something every weekend. Whether that’s going on a weekend trip to some city or simply meeting for a coffee in Bolzano. Literally just doing anything to prevent myself from sitting on my laptop all day, inside.

This got particularly difficult in February. The weather was grim, which meant I really didn’t want to do any exploring, and I had an essay deadline looming, so adventuring off into the unknown was the last thing on my mind.

Somedays I did just want to lock the front door and snuggle down with a blanket and netflix. One of the pieces of advice you get repeatedly thrown at you before your year abroad is to “say yes to everything”. That’s all well and good, and I can appreciate the want to encourage us to go out and explore. The problem is that sometimes, for your own mental wellbeing, you do just need to say no, and that’s okay. It doesn’t make you introverted or antisocial, it makes you human.

There’s a big difference between being independent and isolated. There’s also a big difference between experiencing loneliness and experiencing solitude. I flick between viewing myself in these two states constantly.

Being by yourself means you really get to know yourself. Not really having had any outside influences, I’ve learned how I like to dress, the sports and films I want to watch and the music I like to listen to. In fact, I’ve missed the sound of my Dad’s turntable so much this year that I’m determined to buy my own as soon as I’m back, so I’ll never be deprived of that sound again.

That brings me on to homesickness, another big thing we were warned about pre-departure. This is something that can strike at the most random moments, triggered by the most random things. I saw some Weston’s cider being sold in the supermarket and immediately wished I was sat by the River Wye on a sunny afternoon with my mates from 6th form, even though it’s been almost three years since I spoke the majority of them.

I was in a bookshop when my eye caught a book on architecture which had a photo of the Birmingham Bullring on the cover, and straight away I felt a longing for Selly Oak, with its glorious odour of fried chicken shops and whatever my fellow students had regurgitated the night before.

One of the worst cases though, is always having to ask for a jug of milk with my tea whenever I go to a café. I could shake off all possible signs of Britishness in both my appearance and my accent, but this request has the power to shatter all illusions in a matter of seconds. The homesickness only increases when they bring you a jug of warm, frothed milk.

So how’ve I coped with this? I’ve surrounded myself with Britishness in the broadest possible term. Watching The Crown has helped a lot, as has being able to listen to everything and anything on Spotify. I truly take my hat off to anyone who had to do a year abroad before Skype, before YouTube, before the internet. Being able to talk to my family and friends at home with just a few clicks has undoubtedly kept me sane, and kept me going.

However, social media is by no means a completely positive thing. I’m guilty myself of always posting the most rose-tinted view of whatever I’ve got up to that week. The problem with that is other people only ever see you having a good time, which is in no way realistic. For me, watching my best friends post photos and updates in the same sunny manner has caused me to enter countless thought spirals worrying that I’m not doing this year properly, that they’re all having a better time abroad than me, and that the last thing they’ll want is me bothering them with my problems when they’re all having such a great time. The reality is that they’re looking at everyone else’s posts and worrying about the same things.

Something that’s really stood out to me over the past few months is how I’ve come to terms with the idea of Heimat. It’s a German word which has no direct English translation, I can only describe it as a sense of home. It’s not necessarily the same as your actual home where you reside, but a feeling of where you belong in the world. This was a tricky concept for me. While I was born in Guildford and spent my early childhood in Surrey/Hampshire, I grew up on the Welsh borders. Yet, I don’t feel I can securely say I’m from either one. I’ve never felt a sense of belonging in Herefordshire, in fact I loathed it most of the time I lived there, but at the same time, I’ve spent such a small fraction of my life living in the home counties that I can’t identify with there either.

Living in South Tyrol has taught me that your Heimat doesn’t have to be an exact grid reference. The majority of people I’ve spoken to here have very cloudy opinions about whether they identify more as Italian or Austrian. It’s a very sensitive subject, in fact. I’ve been shown that it’s okay to simply say you’re South Tyrolean. It is an identity in itself, and regardless of whether I feel more like a Southerner or a Midlander, I’m undoubtedly British.

Going back to the idea of planning, I wouldn’t change my year abroad for the world. Yes, it’s been hard, and yes, I could have chosen to do my Erasmus somewhere completely different like Vienna or Florence. I could have gone for the complete Lizzie McGuire experience in Rome, but I wouldn’t have met any of my hilarious students or my wonderful colleagues. I wouldn’t have proved to myself how amazingly independent I can be, and I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to live in one of the most beautiful locations in the world. I can’t put into words how much I love the school I’ve been placed in. The students never fail to make me smile and as challenging as it was in the beginning, (teaching in an institution with 90% male pupils aged 14-19 was daunting to say the least) it’s going to be very hard for me to leave in seven weeks time.

Until next time,

Beth ❤️

#erasmus #third year abroad #south tyrol #italy #austria #dolomites #radler #heimat #homesickness #bolzano

1 note · View note

jhathaway71 · 7 years

Text

Robron Spoiler Theories: Wk 28

The below is a theory and my personal opinions on what will happen the week of 10 July through 14 July. I doubt week 28 is about how Aaron deals with Robert, Rebecca, and the possible baby alone. Those are valid concerns and need to be addressed, but are minor plot points/events/triggers for what is to become an overall story direction for Aaron going forward for the next few months. Aaron’s story/direction will be about his abuse by Gordon and how that has impacted his mental health creating trust and happiness concerns in his life and dealing with that in his current situation.

So, what do we know about the upcoming week based on spoiler tag lines & interviews:

Aaron & Robert fight over money. (RED HERRING ALERT)

Aaron learns that Robert is still not being completely open/honest with him (Robert’s investment with Lawrence)

Aaron brings up sore points to Robert about his cheating

Robert tries to prove his love to Aaron by 1. Attempting to burn money & 2. Bypassing/ignoring Rebecca who is broken down on the side of the road.

Aaron has Robert turn around to check on Rebecca

Aaron suggests Robert take Rebecca to the baby scan. Additionally, Robert warms to idea of being father to his son at the scan

Aaron returns to the village and contacts Ethan for drugs, Jason shows up. A fight ensues (Isolated plot point to drive story)

Instead of taking the drugs, Aaron returns to cutting as his standard type of self-harm to cope with his emotions (RED HERRING ALERT)

Robert doesn’t catch Aaron with/taking the drugs, but does discover Aaron is self-harming again through cutting

Robert is devastated (by a recent development) (RED HERRING ALERT)

Robert offers a proposal. Gives money to Rebecca for the baby.

Robert & Aaron’s relationship is “shaky” with Aaron’s emotions boiling over.

Robert despairs or is plunged into further despair (RED HERRING ALERT)

Some key points in the story this far that I think will have an impact on direction for week 28 and going forward:

Robert removes ring telling Aaron he literally can’t make him happy (Recurring theme since Gordon Trial ending/catalyst)

Aaron’s ordeal with Jason and his mental torture regarding Gordon while in prison is explained to Robert. He tells Aaron they’ll get him help

Robert tells Aaron about sleeping with Rebecca

Robert tells Aaron he feels no one was there when he is struggling while Aaron was in prison and he feels he always has to be the strong one

Aaron forgives Robert (If there is no baby, you won’t have anything to do with her, it’s over. No more lies, no more hurting each other, no one else, etc)

Aaron says, “Robert, I think we’ve both proved we’re rubbish without each other, don’t you?”

Aaron tells Robert after forgiving him, that he does want to be happy. Robert tells him that he’ll help him

Aaron/Robert learn about the continued pregnancy. Aaron talks with Robert, then Rebecca. There was NO resolution to either, with both conversations feeling incomplete and dropped as the next episode starts

Victoria is baby obsessed, now friends/roommates with Rebecca (Probably not important, but bothers me to no end and makes me despise/hate Victoria’s character)

Lack of response from Aaron’s Family/Friends/Support other than the previously mentioned baby obsessed Victoria

Aaron doesn’t understand Chrissie’s question (plot driven) about Gordon assuming it has to do with Robert (Robert is nothing like Gordon)

Aaron responds to Leyla’s official wedding talk to drum up business (RED HERRING, FAN BAITING, REMINDER OF IAIN MACLEOD’S PROMISE, OR PLOT POINT???) #MoreToCome – Sorry, couldn’t help myself from being sarcastic

Since the reveals on 25 & 26May, hints have been slowly dropped Aaron is okay with whatever decision Robert makes with the baby situation. The last few scenes of them together after the Barton bros fiasco, Aaron tells Robert that he needs to talk with him about the situation and let him know how he feels especially if the wants to be involved. Aaron is attempting to support Robert (be strong for him) and the baby situation although he is struggling with it himself.

During the “money” fight, Aaron will bring up Robert’s secrecy (hiding his feelings about the upcoming birth of his child and his investment with Lawrence White). At this time, Aaron will also bring up Robert’s cheating and how he kept it secret from the time he wanted to admit it to Aaron until he finally admitted it when moving into the Mill. Robert will try to prove his love for Aaron as outlined in the bullet points for the spoiler tag lines. With everything that has happened (triggers – Chrissie conversation, anything else that happens week 27, and then fight with Robert, Rebecca/Baby breakdown interruption) Aaron turns to drugs, but instead self-harms (Jason is catalyst to stop him from doing drugs-criminal behaviour and not wanting to go to jail – Priest conversation & therapy session reminding audience of priest conversation)

There isn’t much for Wednesday on the spoiler tags other than Robert being devastated & Robert discovering Aaron is self-harming again. Because both spoiler tags are reported separately with What’s On TV, I do not think these are necessarily directly related to each other.

From Wednesday through Friday, this may all be out there, vague and contradictory on details and I might be completely wrong but here is where I think Iain is going with this story…

(Wednesday) Robert will be devastated is for one of three possibilities:

Something to do with his unborn son (Rebecca experiences pain again rushed to hospital, Rebecca can no longer stay with Victoria, Robert learns he is not the father, who knows)

Learns about Aaron pursuing drugs, Jason being in the Mill, and Aaron’s continued mental health concerns relating to Gordon/abuse. I doubt this will be the devastation because again it is directly related to Aaron’s self-harm and has two separate tags on What’s on TV

Who knows, this is so flipping vague I doubt it is directly related to either storyline and this is the one I’m leaning on

(Thursday 7 PM) Robert gives Rebecca money to help prepare for the baby

With Robert now warming to the idea of being a father to his unborn son, it would be consistent with Robert wanting to support Rebecca and thus his baby. *Why Rebecca needs money from Robert isn’t very logical given that she is a rich White. I also think the offer to help Rebecca financially to prepare for the baby will be done on Tuesday and the reveal will be to Aaron during this episode

(Thursday 7 PM) Robert makes a bold proposal

After learning about Aaron’s self-harming and depending what all Aaron reveals on why he started again, Robert suggests Aaron continue/restart counseling individually and do couples counseling together. Although neither of these seem very “bold” considering Aaron has already went to at least 1 session with Robert present.

I’ve said it before and continue to think that Rebecca will end up living at the Mill in the second flat. Along with giving Rebecca money, Robert could propose to Aaron that Rebecca take over the second flat as another way to help support his unborn son

(Thursday 8 PM) Aaron’s emotions boil over & Robert’s relationship with Aaron is shaky

Any of the previous outlined 7 PM scenarios could cause Aaron’s emotions to boil over, I’m leaning to Aaron being told Robert gives Rebecca money for the baby, especially given their fight on Tuesday was started because of money. I consider the Tuesday Money fight a red herring because it is to distract from the actual issues being presented and to be explored for Aaron specifically, but also for Robert

Whatever the 7 PM catalyst, this will lead to another discussion/fight between Robert & Aaron, leading to Robert not feeling completely secure in his relationship with Aaron

(Friday) Robert despairs & Robert is plunged into further despair (Despair is defined as the complete loss or absence of hope)

On the Rebecca side, if there is a catalyst on Wednesday causing devastation for Robert baby related, the problem may exacerbate on Friday, causing Robert to lose hope that he will be a father to his unborn son. I highly doubt this is it as it feels too soon for this sort of reveal and inconsistent with how the story has developed to this point

On the Aaron side, Robert’s despair is related to his conversation with Aaron and how he doesn’t feel as secure as he did after the 25-May reveal. The two primary topics will be trust & happiness for Aaron which causes Robert’s despair. Not all of the below bullet points will necessarily be fleshed out in the Thursday 8 PM or Friday episodes, but will be explored to some extent, though not necessarily verbatim but in general sense, over the next few weeks to months as Aaron’s story is explored

Aaron was already experiencing trust issues with Robert as far back as October 2016 in relation to Rebecca. Now that his worst fear has been realized with Robert sleeping with her, he explains he wants to support Robert w/ the baby but the situation continues to be a reminder of what he has been through and what brought them to this point. Robert is conflicted with how he will balance his love for Aaron and his desire to be a father to his unborn son

Now lacking trust in Robert, Aaron rejects Robert’s offer to participate with his individual therapy sessions. Aaron had told Robert in April that he couldn’t get through his therapy/dealing with his emotions regarding Gordon/ordeal in prison without his help in April (first therapy session)

Gordon’s abuse helped create some of the trust issues among other mental health concerns Aaron faces. Robert being the first person Aaron opened up to and trusted regarding Gordon’s abuse in Jan/Feb 2016 and the primary person to support Aaron other than Chas will see his actions (cheating/lying/secrecy) having created a situation that puts a barrier to his being able to support Aaron because he no longer fully trusts Robert. (Robert has repeatedly told Paddy that he has been there for Aaron through it all. With Aaron not fully trusting Robert this won’t be an easy obstacle to overcome and will create additional conflict for Robert since Aaron won’t accept Robert being there for him as he was before.)

Aaron’s separation from his family/friends/support during cheating & baby reveal and the lack of response from them on the situation has always bothered me (as it has others) This would be necessary for the previous bullet point on how Robert though his actions and their consequences are impacting Aaron’s mental health/trust, he would be the primary support for Aaron even though it has not been shown on screen. Now that Robert cannot support Aaron the way he wants to because of the trust issues Aaron has, we will see Aaron’s friends/family/support begin to comment and interact with Aaron, replacing Robert causing his further despair

Similar to the admission on Aaron’s trust issues with Robert, a discussion on Aaron not being happy will/should happen. I see this more as a growth or self-discovery moment for Aaron and another barrier for Robert over the next few weeks. Aaron will come to realize it is not Robert responsibility to make him happy, but his own mental health concerns that are impacting his ability to be happy. I hope that Aaron is the one that explains this to Robert as they resolve their relationship/communication issues.

ALTERNATIVE POINT: Aaron has not fully dealt with his emotions about Gordon and his history of abuse. The recent reminders while in prison and then Jason return brings this to the forefront in Aaron’s psyche. After Robert learns Rebecca is having a boy and tells Aaron, this could trigger additional conflict within Aaron because Chrissie questions about his father inadvertently planted a seed for self-doubt on Aaron’s ability to support Robert and his son.

I do not think/believe Emmerdale will completely split or break up Robert & Aaron at the end of week 28 or sometime in week 29, because of the simple statement Aaron made on 25-May “Robert, I think we’ve both proved we’re rubbish without each other, don’t you?” If they do, it will be a mutual decision made after one of them suggests a temporary separation from their relationship being necessary to work on their individual issues/concerns so they can then rebuild their relationship later.

*Just saw the tweets from Danny about Time/A Break a great healer. I still stand by my theory on them separating.

And though they may not be together as a couple, I do see them continuing to interact with each other and not having (much, if any) animosity against the other as we have seen in the past because of Aaron’s statement again about them both being rubbish without the other. This would be counterproductive to the narrative I think Iain MacLeod has been building on with the 25-May reveal and resolution to Robert & Aaron story with Rebecca White that began October 2016.

The spoilers, rumours, and feelings may make Week 28 sound like a giant step back for Robert & Aaron from what we witnessed during the 25-May episode penned by Maxine, and while she did not have her expert Robron hands in the scripts for the coming week, Iain did deliver on his promise in my opinion that the episode did answer some of the concerns I as an ardent Robron fan had “about the direction that the story is taking and satisfy” my worries.

There has not been any big announcements from Emmerdale, Iain MacLeod about what is coming for Robert & Aaron. There have been a couple of magazine interviews with Danny Miller about the upcoming story. After reading his interviews and attempting to theorize what the daily spoiler tag lines may mean I trust Iain is going to continue to have Robron’s story develop with the idea of what he said about the 25th May episode.

I have been a harsh critical of the changes to Emmerdale under Iain MacLeod’s leadership, and specifically what he has done with Robert & Aaron’s characters. And I may be completely wrong with my theories for Week 28 and the direction I think he is taking with the couple. If my theories are somewhat accurate for Robert & Aaron in the upcoming weeks, I owe him a personal apology and am excited the direction he has planned.

None of this resolves the individual Rebecca storyline or the baby storyline. I have called Rebecca a plot device (among other names), and include the baby in that category, I have no doubt both of these were not intended by Iain to only be a catalyst for Robert & Aaron’s circumstances or plot points along the way to other interrelated stories to be discarded once complete, but another layer to a longer story being developed slowly across multiple individuals and couples. #MoreToCome – Not being sarcastic, but the avenues to resolve both points kinda excites me now, no matter how much I hate how/why this has impacted Robert & Aaron relationship and stories.

Although, if I am completely wrong I can only say that he has completely blindsided me. I already had problems trusting anything he had to say about the show and it will reinforce my opinion that he is the wrong choice as showrunner for Emmerdale. And just to clarify, it is not only Robron that I think he has messed up, but other stories/characters as well (Rhona, Emma, Debbie, Cain, Moira, Adam, Paddy).

#SpoilerTheories

3 notes · View notes

littlepanduh-writes-365 · 4 years

Text

Opinion of RPF

tw// mentions of depression and anxiety

howdy doo everyone~

I’ve been writing and rewriting this letter for the past few days. There are many thoughts that I wanted to include, but I’m constantly worried about the longevity and potential curtness of some topics. I’m also worried that my opinions are going to backlash on me, but I came to the conclusion that in order for me to be a better person and a better writer, I need to accept criticism. I just ask that if you do send me criticism or questions, please be patient and understanding with the response time. I try to handle things sensitively which means I put a lot of thought into my answer and writing. I also admit that I get rattled easily and I want to give you answers when my head is clearer.

This has been something that’s been on my mind for many years actually. It’s caused me to stop reading and writing many times. At this point, it’s becoming a vicious cycle and I don’t know whether I want to continue it anymore or just give it up and find something else to do. If you’re reading this, I hope you can at least gain insight and understanding because some other authors may have felt this way and if you have the time, I’d appreciate some feedback. I know this document is long, so I’m really thankful if you can bear through it.

I have been reading and writing fanfiction for about 11 years. I have been writing for k-pop on and off for 7 years now. Although writing has been a great hobby and outlet and the k-pop writing community has proven to be a safe space for me, I still tend to have internal conflicts about the ethics of Real Person Fanfiction (RPF). I have a very long explanation of my philosophy of writing, which I encourage you to read if you read many of my fics, but to break it down, I acknowledge that there’s a lot of responsibility when writing for the k-pop fandom.

I know these are real-life people and it’s possible that readers might get the wrong idea when reading my fics. I want you to know that when I write my fics, I’m not exactly thinking of that specific person. This sounds kinda horrible because it’s blunt, but when it all boils down, I’m basically just using them as a face claim. It’s easier for me, especially since I write a lot of shorter fics and drabbles, because I don’t have to spend a whole page describing a character, like how authors of books normally do. A lot of what I write comes from personal experiences so I usually think of a plot and then decide which person fits my character. I admit that I do choose characters based off of the idols’ personalities/personas, but I’m not going to hold it against them in real life. I sometimes adjust my character to the “real” personality of the idol, but not so much. I’m pretty sure a lot of k-pop fanfic writers feel this way (and I can imagine readers feel that way too), which is why I encourage you to read the extension of this memo which digs into specific topics, like writing idolverse/”canon” and smut.

If you are a writer, I hope you have a similar philosophy that respects the people we write about and also reflects on a potential cultural impact you can make. If you are a reader, I hope you take an author’s intentions into account when you are reading. It’s not just writing out a fantasy, but there are thoughts and emotions writers want to express or a lesson to teach. Sometimes people do write just for fun and it’s normally okay, but it varies case by case on whether the intention is appropriate.

Sometimes it is hard to see those intentions, especially when it’s not explicitly written out like this or authors chose to be vague about endings or “what happened last summer” or something like that. Depending on the situation, the uncertainty is a key factor in their style or storytelling, but if you’re uncomfortable about it, you have the right to voice it out. This is why it’s so important to communicate with authors by the means of commenting. Jumping to conclusions is very disrespectful to a writer and that’s not fair for fanfic writers who are doing this for free. Conversations like, “where do you get this idea from?” or “did you mean this when you said that?” clarify the intentions of the author. (If you have a strong opinion or interpretation, you may want to preface in your comment that because you might just come off as rude and taking control over the story.) Many authors might say, “it’s up for any interpretation”, but will give their own insight. In my opinion, if authors don’t give you the time of day or completely shut down your opinions, I understand if you start forming your own opinions. (I don’t believe social media slander is the way to go but maybe appropriate if they ignore the problem.) Depending on the writer, they are busy, so please be considerate of their own personal schedules. Don’t demand a quick response time or a public apology. Reading and writing are supposed to be cathartic and empathy-inducing and distracting and fun. Your opinions are valid. (I have to add on that if you chose to ignore things like trigger warnings and tags, that is on you.)

You may be wondering, why am I writing this letter? I seem to know my limits. I try not to be a problematic person. It doesn’t seem like my writing is problematic either. I’d like to believe these things, but I recognize that these are all subjective. I am not necessarily going to be completely transparent with you because that’s a whole lot of layers and I don’t want to just force all of that on you, but I will be open with you about things that I’ve already put out.

I’m predicting that the people who are reading this memo have only been reading my recent works/works I’ve posted on AO3. If you don’t know this, I am also on AFF and tumblr. Although a lot of my stuff (especially the one-shots on tumblr) is pretty lighthearted and surficial, I have written about deeper and darker topics: character death and mourning, cheating, panic attacks, and a pole dancer. I have also included themes of drinking, swearing, and implied sex. These range from passive mentions to having the whole story revolve around that topic. I recognize that these can be uncomfortable themes, which is why I try to relay my intentions and sensitivity through Extended Author’s Notes, content warnings per chapter and tags, taking forever to edit, and writing long responses to comments. I choose to write about these topics because I personally get tired of seeing similar fics and, again, I just need an outlet.

Allow me to address a… hyena in the room (yeah, not an elephant). I don’t usually flash this card, nor do I feel 100% comfortable talking about this, but I’m just going to come clean and say that I suffer from depression and anxiety. No, you don’t need to feel sympathetic or look at my writing differently. Please don’t do that. That’s not why I’m telling you this. I mostly want to say that, yes, I have these mental illnesses, but I also acknowledge that it doesn’t excuse any toxic behavior. I have written when my anxiety-induced insomnia gets to me or when I’m having a particularly low week. I try to edit when I’m more stable, but again, that’s pretty subjective. I try so hard to cope properly and I do use other methods besides writing. I talk to my friends to make sure I don’t isolate too much. I’ve ventured into music and dance. Admittedly, things have been harder with this pandemic. I’m not a perfect person and I admit that I slip up every once in a while. You might see it in my writing. Sometimes, I’m rereading a paragraph for the 12th time and I’ll be completely jaded over the intensity of the emotions I wrote 3 months ago because it comes to the point that I’m just looking at words. The words that I wrote at 2AM after a self-loathing day seem completely different two weeks later after a deep talk with my best friend. One day, it’ll hurt me, and the next, it’ll mean nothing. I’m not sure how it’ll affect you. I acknowledge that my readers come from different walks of life and different experiences. I want to respect that. If something bothers you, please do not hesitate to communicate with me.

I know I don’t act like it all the time, especially on Twitter, but I am an adult and I’m trying to handle at least my mental health like an adult. I write about mature topics and as a writer, I recognize that I need to handle the reception maturely as well.

The “best woman of this generation” once said this about her group. “Even if there are good times, there could also be times when you feel disappointed or feel regret or get angry or annoyed… Just do things that you like. Resolve your mood, then come back to Red Velvet… It’s not “always like Red Velvet”. I’d like for your guys to find many, many diverse things to enjoy… I do really want you all to be happy.” I am in no way in the same league as Red Velvet or Ms. Bae Joohyun, but I’d like to keep that humble mentality. You don’t have to support every fic I write. You don’t have to support my entire story. You don’t have to approve of every topic I write about or the messages I relay. (I would like to hear your thoughts, but you are not obligated to do so.) The beauty of these sites is that you can come and go whenever you would like. I get it. Life happens. Things change. Opinions change. You’re valid. If ever you want to come back to my story or maybe finish one that you never continued, you are always welcome to do so.

I, myself, have stopped reading fics, even if they were good. I’m not just talking about ongoing fics that lost its flare. I’m also talking about completed fics or fics that have over 500 Kudos or were Featured on AFF. Sometimes the topics are too deep. Sometimes, I just need to emotionally prepare myself for an update. Sometimes I lose interest. I’m sure the author might feel a little hurt, but that’s just how life is. I don’t spend a lot of my time reading and writing fics. In the end, I’m going to finish the fics that kept me interested.

Alright, if you’ve made it this far, congratulations. Serious conversation is over (for now). Thank you for your tolerance, patience, and understanding. If you are someone that reads my stories, thank you for your support. If you are someone who enjoys my stories, thank you for your love. With the time that I have, I’m working hard to be a better writer, but most importantly, I’m working harder to be a better person. The k-pop community has been a safe place for me and I want to continue letting it be that way.

Stay safe and healthy everyone <3 Until next update

Click here to read my in-depth opinions about writing. (Skip to page 4.)

#just needed to get this off my chest #something happened on twitter #and it made me think about writing for kpop #so yeah #hope this gives you some insight #please expect some more writing soon #thank you

1 note · View note