#and both have skills with reading people/picking up on cues making it tough to lie to one another

[good-beanswrites]

hi! may i request some mikoto + amane (platonic obvs) … anything? they are very dear to me 😭

Yes!!! Thank you so much for the request -- they really are such a good pair ;-; (The thing is, I had so many nice scenes in mind about how they parallel each other, but they wouldn't know or reveal that about each other so I kept restarting...) Anyway, here's something right after Mikoto's first trial/verdict!

Mikoto could pick up on someone’s bad mood from a mile away, though the skill was unnecessary when the other party very clearly and calmly informed him, “I’m in a bad mood.”

After refusing his offer, Amane turned back to a thick textbook she’d been taking notes on. Didn’t kids usually complain that school was already a prison? She must have wanted the full experience. He'd worked nonstop at his studies as well, but this was a new level. Amane often reminded him of his little sister, though she always took the extra step like this. His sister would have jumped at this opportunity to play a few rounds of their favorite card game.

“It’ll be fun!”

He flashed a smile, but it had no effect on her severe expression. “I know you’re just trying to comfort me about our verdicts. I refuse to be pitied.”

“Comfort and pity are two very different things. But anyway, it wasn’t either of those things.” He gave an easy shrug “To be honest, I’m just a little bored. It’s weird not having any work to do during the day.” 

Mikoto couldn’t remember the last time in his life he’d had so many hours to himself. A lot of the others were fun to play games with. A few of the sportier prisoners helped him stay active. He enjoyed smoking breaks with the other men. Still, he was left to his own devices for the majority of his time. It was maddening. He’d recently requested some more art supplies, having used up the last batch, but they had yet to come in. Now with the verdict announcement, he wasn’t sure they’d ever arrive.

“That is your own problem. I already have something to do.” Her eyes lingered on the cards for the briefest of moments before returning to the book. “I told you, I’m not in the mood for it.”

Regardless of her hostility, he took a seat beside her. He leaned his arms out on the table. “We don’t have to play the same game.” The last time they'd played as a big group, several prisoners pulling the tables together to fit everyone. Amane had kept very quiet, eyes darting around at the cards as she tried to keep up with the rules. Not many of the others noticed the frustration clear in her face. Mikoto wasn’t the type to let her win out of pity, though he had begun to mutter the rules and strategies to himself a bit more as the night went on… 

“Is there a game you liked to play at home?”

 “No. There was no time for games in the house.” 

“All work and no play… hah… I know what that’s like.” He slumped his cheek onto his arm, lazily shuffling the cards around. He felt bad for bothering the girl if she truly was upset. He thought it was the bad experience that made her reject him, he hadn’t realized there were also family issues attached. Usually he could read people well; maybe he was losing his touch. He seemed to be losing touch with a lot of things, these days.

He readied a game of solitaire. 

“Mikoto?” Amane kept her face turned away. “There was… one game.”

“Yeah?” Mikoto shuffled the cards back together. He slid them over to her. “You should teach me!” 

She didn’t touch them. “You probably already know it.”

“Nah, I only know a few games. I’m better with tarot cards, though those aren’t really the gaming type. Come on, what is it?”

She told him the name of the game, insisting it wouldn’t be worth playing. She kept her attention on the textbook, but her eyes weren’t reading any of it. 

“Ahh, I’ve heard of that one! We start with four cards, right?” He started dealing them out.

“No, five –” she pointed to the deck, urging him to add two more. 

“Right, right.” He laughed lightly. “And the goal is to get pairs, and put them in a pile, uhh, here.”

Amane shook her head. She shifted her body slightly towards him. “You must be thinking of a different game. There’s actually three piles for pairs. One here, one here, and when it’s your opponent’s turn…” 

Her eyes gleamed as she explained the rules. She pointed to various cards, telling him exact moves and point values. “And to win, you need to –” Her expression shifted. “You… you already knew all this.”

“Of course not!” He put on his most convincing smile. 

She deflated. “You’re not a very good liar.”

“Tch, tell that to the warden.”

His shoulders sagged along with her. If Amane could see right through him, why was the rest of Milgram still coming up with stories about what he did and didn’t do? “Well, I might already know the rules, but it’s been a long time since I’ve played. You can still give me a hand. Plus, if you really are in such a bad mood, it’ll be good to take a break from your studies. You should always take a break when things get too overwhelming, yeah?”

She gave him a withering stare.

“Eh? What’s that face for?”

“Alright, let’s play. You can go first.”

“I mean it, what was that look? Aw, come on…”

#milgram #mikoto kayano #amane momose #see - the thing is they both had crimes about 'protecting themself' but both would deny it was for that reason #they both seem to have some family trauma but would never admit it #theyre both used to putting on their best behavior and being 'good' for others but hardly realize that themselves #they are both in denial all the time !!!!! #so i tried to show them getting along for their own perceived reasons -- mikoto thinks he likes her because she reminds him of his sister #and amane thinks she likes him because hes being kind about their verdicts #and while both are right theyre Also drawn to each other because they are very similar at their core #and both have skills with reading people/picking up on cues making it tough to lie to one another #that forced honesty makes for a solid friendship haha! #i also remember a comment from yamanaka that amane would be the worst at card games because shed have trouble with the rules #she seems old enough to handle complex games but she probably never got to play a lot at home ;---; and mikoto probably learns a lot of #types of games (and tarot) so can connect with even more people #i thought long and hard on whether mikoto would let someone else win but he doesnt seem the type (plus amane would notice) #once again i know amane starts speaking in the plural but this comes a bit before that #yaay thank you so much for the request! this was really fun to do - i hope you enjoy! #ive thought a lot about amane and john but less on her and mikoto lol so this was nice :D #drabbles

[dyspfanblog]

Post #133 – Could Yui from K-ON! have Dyspraxia?

Welcoming Yui!

Yui from K-On! is the newest addition to my on-going ‘potential dyspraxic character’ project. It’s been a while since I’ve done a potential dyspraxic analysis, although not from a lack of content, just Yui zoomed straight to the top of the list. For starters, Yui is a character I consider to be a strong contender for the potential dyspraxic title. Then there’s the point that I finished ‘K-On!’ fairly recently so felt I should get my thoughts out while it’s still in my head! Plus I wanted to do something light because these recent months have been tough, both personally and globally. Got to be honest though, you can’t get much more light-hearted than K-On!!

Originally, this post was going to be fairly short, however as I looked into Yui as a character more and more talking points seemed to sprout up! I’ve gone ahead and added her profile to the Potential Dyspraxic Character page and simply listed everything out if you rather a quick reference version. Link is at the bottom of this page.

Potential Dyspraxic Characters

For those unfamiliar with my blog, just a quick sum up what this is all about. This kind of post is for me to show how I perceive certain characters and the possibility that they could be dyspraxic. We have unique ways of connecting with fictional characters and sometimes we can relate to them in unusual ways. Seeing as dyspraxia is a combination of certain human traits, it means there’s a possible that characters may end up with a ‘dyspraxic combination’ purely by accident. In no way is this trying to discredit the original creation, but to see them in an alternative light. Take this, and any of my analyses, with a pinch of salt.

DISCLAIMER: With these character profiles I may bring up key-points and moments from their franchise, so potential minor spoilers ahead! Also as I’ve only seen the anime this analysis will leave out anything exclusive to the manga.

Yui and K-ON!

‘K-On!‘ is a popular slice-of-life manga revolving around the lives of the Light Music Club’s members, that got an anime adaptation. The anime has spanned several seasons, specials, spin-offs, a movie, and a library of music to date. For what this post is worth, if you want something light-hearted to get absorbed into then I highly recommend K-On! to you.

Could Yui Hirasawa be Dyspraxic?

Yui Hirasawa is the protagonist of ‘K-On!’; she is a member of the Light Music Club and the band Ho-kago Tea Time (After-School Tea Time). She is the lead guitarist and lead vocalist for the band. On the outside, Yui is your classic ditsy anime character; she’s easily distracted, sometimes forgetful, and gets into little accidents frequently. With other dyspraxic-type traits revealing themselves, it got the gears in my head turning and it simply clicked together for me that Yui could well have dyspraxia.

Co-Ordination and Clumsiness

Yui is really clumsy and has the habit of falling over, dropping things, tripping up, and bumping into people and objects. Over the course of the series, Yui shows she has balance issues. especially when she’s carrying something, like a tray of mugs or something bulky like a speaker. She’s a messy eater too as seen on a few occasions. On top of this, Yui sometimes has other slight issues with gross motor co-ordination.

On the flip-side, when it comes to fine motor skills Yui doesn’t have any real issues with it. After all, she has a certain talent for playing guitar.    

Oh Yui, I feel your pain!

Thought and Memory

Given that Yui’s short-term memory is awful and couple it with the fact she gets distracted ever so easily and you have a perfect recipe for disaster! When she learns something new, it often pushes something she memorised previously out of her head.

Yui’s time-keeping is pretty bad, although a few times she misread her alarm clock and arrived at school incredibly early. The first occurrence happens in the first episode where she even got distracted along the way…twice! The people around her have picked up on her unorthodox time-keeping skills and easily distracted nature, so it is fair to conclude this is a common occurrence for Yui.

Yui is quite forgetful too; whether it’s forgetting to do her homework or leaving her guitar at home on the day of a concert, she certainly doesn’t discriminate against what to forget! She struggles to remember music terminology and plays using intuition and her self-taught approach. Similarly, many people with dyspraxia find their own ways to learn and achieve when conventional ways are too difficult. At some point in the series she lost a mitten too, because of course she did! 

Yui struggles with multi-tasking and this is something that others are well aware of. At first, she found it impossible to sing and play her guitar simultaneously. Although, after some 1-2-1 tutoring she was finally able to crack it, but still has difficulty to do both sometimes.

A line extracted from her Wiki Bio: “She cannot do more than one thing at a time, but to make up for that she can be highly focused on a particular subject and once started, can advance quite substantially.”

When it comes to her academic abilities, Yui struggles tremendously with it. In one exam, she was the only one in her class to fail and had to retake it. With effort and support from her friends and sister she passed it second time around. However, not only did she pass it, but she absolutely aced it! While this alone isn’t exactly a dyspraxic trait, it embodies the spirit of dyspraxia quite nicely; especially when the other factors of Yui are taken into account.

Despite being viewed as stupid and an air-head, Yui is really observant and alert. A few times, she realises an issue before anybody else has.

We get a little bit of extra character building in K-On!’s spin-off series, ‘Ura-On!’. In one episode, we see that Yui gets lost easily and judging by her personality it wouldn’t be surprising if this is actually the case. I am unsure if ‘Ura-On!’ is canon or not, but it does seem faithful to the characters, so I’m going to count it.   

Perception of Senses

Yui has an aversion to both hot and cold temperatures and can’t deal with them very well. She’s also sensitive to air-conditioning units. Quote from Yui: “I’m scared of hot and cold. In winter, I hide under the heating table and in summer, I lie in bed and do nothing.”

As mentioned previously, her spatial awareness is something she struggles with as she does bumps into people and objects pretty often.

Something to note: Yui has the rare gift of having ‘perfect pitch’. Wikipedia states it as: “Absolute pitch (AP), often called perfect pitch, is a rare ability of a person to identify or re-create a given musical note without the benefit of a reference tone”. Wikipedia then goes on to state: “There is evidence of a higher rate of absolute pitch in the autistic population.” Dyspraxia and autism have overlaps, so there could be more to Yui than at first glance. In short, this helps solidifies an autistic side which by proxy, helps to cement a dyspraxic side.

For the Wikipedia page on ‘Absolute pitch’ click here

Emotion and Behaviour

Yui has difficulty controlling her emotions and can get overwhelmed easily. Even with positive news she can struggle processing it and have a mental overload. She can get overwhelmed if she has too much information to process, which can lead to an emotional breakdown. The Light Music Club members understand she has this difficulty and do their best for her. Mainly by explaining things to her in a way she’ll understand and also help calm her down when she has a meltdown.

Yui dozes off often as she does get tired fairly quickly. Although, there are times where she’ll go to bed late due to getting absorbed into practising guitar or revising. Additionally, she can have a short attention span and she gets distracted easily.

Yui has some social awkwardness to her and I think she struggles at picking up on non-verbal cues, like on some occasions taking jokes literally and sarcasm can fly over her head. Also, Yui sometimes hugs a little too hard because she lets her emotions get the better of her, but there is a possibility that there’s a co-ordination difficulty at work too.

Speech and Language

Sometimes Yui gets stuck for words and stutters, which is a link back into her getting overwhelmed. She has shown that sometimes she can get words mixed up too. These issues don’t crop up too often though.

Yui Overall

Yui has a strong connection to dyspraxia and in my opinion scores incredibly favourable overall. In fact, she tops the list! Yui’s prominent clumsiness, getting easily overwhelmed, and a pure heart make her a character that those with dyspraxia can probably relate to quite easily. While she can lose interest easily and gets distracted even easier, with the right help or push she can, and does, succeed. While it would seem no one has brought up a possibility of Yui having dyspraxia online, at least as far as I can tell, some people have raised the idea that she could be on the autism spectrum and/or have ADHD. With certain overlaps it isn’t a stretch to believe that she could be dyspraxic too.

Yui is an embodiment of Dyspraxic Fantastic at its core and holds a certain spirit of dyspraxia. What sets her apart from other characters on my list is a certain depth and richness to her character.

And to wrap this post up, a nice sentimental quote from Yui: “To the me back then, you don’t need to worry. You’ll soon find something you can do, something you can set your heart on.” 

Thanks for reading this post and please check out some of the links below for more information.

Extra Reading

Dyspraxic Characters Encyclopedia

Dyspraxic Characters Project Post

Yui Wiki Fandom Page

K-ON! Home Site

The post Post #133 – Could Yui from K-ON! have Dyspraxia? appeared first on DyspraxicFantastic.com.

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[nateronomicon]

Something for the Discord Part 2

Too big to fit in one post captain!

Skill Rank Descriptions: Rank 0 : You have no training in this particular field. In some cases, a dice roll can't happen because your character wouldn't know where to start or just wouldn't have the knowledge. But not always- hey, sometimes you get lucky! Rank 1 : Novice. Basic knowledge of this particular field. Most apprentices are at this rank. Rank 2 : Practitioner. Your know-how on this subject is solid. Most journeymen practitioners would be at this rank. Rank 3 : Professional. Your knowledge on this subject is broad and detailed. You would be capable of teaching this skill to others without a problem. Rank 4 : Expert. You are a master of the craft or field of study. In some cases, you are a leader in the field and people would look to you for consultation. Rank 5 : Legendary. Your know-how on this subject is unsurpassed. Your technique is borderline flawless. You can hide yourself at the top of a mountain and people would climb it to seek your tutelage. Some might even make it up!

Mental Skills: Academics: This skill represents a person's higher education, particularly in the Arts and Humanities. It covers everything from English to history, economics and law. Note that characters don't necessarily have to formal education to have ranks in Academics. They can be self-taught, reading manuscripts voraciously. Crafts: This catch-all skill represents a person's ability to make things as well as fix things with their hands. This ranges from creating paintings to constructing castles. It also covers repairing objects. Note that while a character might have the knowledge, sometimes they'll need the right tools to make use of this knowledge. Investigation: This represents a character's ability to solve mysteries through collecting clues and analyzing the evidence. Or perhaps they're really good at riddles or not confounded by logic traps and paradoxes. Medicine: Ranks in this indicate that your character knows how to treat injuries and illnesses, likely with herbs and poultices. Characters with 1-3 ranks can do basic first aid and simple techniques, but a character with 4+ ranks is the equivalent of a surgeon. Occult: This skill represents your knowledge of the supernatural. You not only know the various legends and traditions around the area, but you can also determine "occult fact" from "occult rumor". Characters usually learn this from forbidden sections in libraries, or from the oral traditions of their relatives. Politics: Your character can identify the heraldry of noble houses, how the local government works, and have a general idea of who to call in order to grease the wheels. Usually people acquire this skill after working for the local magistrate or a noble house. Science: This covers your character's knowledge of the physical sciences, as much as they apply in a medieval setting. It covers everything from biology, chemistry, geology, meteorology, and physics.

Physical Skills: Archery: This skill allows you to identify, operate and maintain most types of projectile ranged weapons, such as bows, crossbows, all the way up to ballistae. Note that to make one of these weapons or ammo for them, you'd need Crafts, instead. Athletics: This skill is a broad category of physical feats. It covers everything from boating to rock climbing; from swimming to leaping between rooftops to escape your enemies. This skill also covers throwing in combat, such as with slings or javelins. Brawl: This skill defines your expertise in unarmed fighting techniques. It covers all styles from formally-trained Kung Fu to a street tough that's seen a bunch of bar fights. Note that brawl can be used, with reason, with any body part capable of causing harm, so be creative. Larceny: This skill covers everything from picking locks to picking pockets to concealing objects on your person. Usually characters come across this skill the hard way. Ride: This skill represents your ability to control a mount, typically a horse, in hazardous situations. Note that you do not need to have ranks in this skill to ride a horse normally. It is assumed that riding is fairly common practice among travelers. Stealth: This is all about avoiding notice, whether it's slinking through the shadows, hiding behind objects or blending into a crowd. Survival: This is your character's expertise in living off the land, foraging, fishing or hunting. This can be used to identify hazards or tracks, and predict the weather to a limited extent. Note that this doesn't apply to influencing animals- That's Animal Handling. Weaponry: This is your character's skill with melee combat, from breaking bottles over people's heads, to fencing like a pro, to wielding a greatsword with brutal precision.

Social Skills: Animal Handling: This skill is an understanding of animal behavior, and anticipating their next action. Useful for avoiding confrontations with predators as well as training animals to do certain tricks. Expression: This skill represents your character's expertise in the art of communication, both to entertain and inform. This skill covers writing, music, and dance. Insight: This skill represents your character's ability to read others' body language and non-verbal cues. Your character can sense when people aren't telling the whole story, and also empathize with them. Intimidation: The time-honored tradition of influencing others through fear. This can be used to get information, coerce people into taking actions they otherwise wouldn't, or to get information. Torture is an aspect of intimidation. Persuasion: The time-honored tradition of influencing others through honeyed words. This skill is about changing minds through logic, charm, or sheer glib fast-talking. Most people have developed this skill through years of practice through trial-and-error. Socialize: This skill represents a character's ability to interact with others in a variety of situations. It allows one to "read the room".  This skill covers etiquette, custom, gregariousness and sensitivity. It can also be used to hob-knob with people of import, and to go carousing about the town. Note that characters don't need ranks in Socialize to be social in a variety of situations, but may not be schooled in the finer arts of social interaction. Or they could be courteous, but not approachable. Streetwise: Characters with this skill now how the shadier side of town functions and how to survive by the harsh rules of the street. This skill is useful for black market deals, gathering information, making contacts, dodging urban hazards, and avoiding both the law, and the wrong kind of people. Subterfuge: This is the art of deception. Characters with this trait know how to lie just right, either through talking, creating forged documents or a clever disguise.

Vice Descriptions: Envy: The Envious are never satisfied with what they have. They measure themselves against others- especially their rivals. They're never content with their place in life, and they covet what others have and believe they deserve it more. Envy can come from paranoia, entitlement, or a sense of self-loathing that they project onto others. You gain a point of willpower whenever you take something from a rival -real or perceived- or have a hand in harming that rival's well-being. Gluttony: Gluttons indulge in sensations to the exclusion of everything else. It's all about the appetite, and boy do gluttons have big ones! They're always chasing the next high, or want to try a new flavor or just need another orgasm to make things right. Gluttons can even be adrenaline junkies- they do things just for the rush. Your character gains 1 willpower whenever he indulges in a pleasurable activity at his or a loved one's expense. Greed: Like the envious, the Greedy want more. More, more, more! Unlike the envious, they don't want to take from others to spurn them- they want it because they want it. Note that while material things are common, immaterial things are equally sought after- power and influence, they want more, more more! The Greedy always have more than they can possibly use, because they believe that you can never have too much. You gain 1 point of Willpower when you take something at the expense of others. This must come with some risk, such as assault from the offending party, possible arrest, or loss of relationships. Lust: Like the gluttonous, the Lustful are possessed by uncontrolled desire and passion for something. While sex is the most common manifestation of this sin, it can be about virtually any activity- exercise, gaining knowledge, acquiring more power, etc. The kicker is that this passion comes at the expense of others, for the lustful don't care about the feelings of others- the only thing that matters is the fulfillment of their passions. Your character gains 1 willpower whenever he indulges in his passion in a way that victimizes others. Or puts him at significant risk. Pride: Pride is self-confidence run amok. The Prideful believe that they are right, and their every action is correct, even when the evidence would indicate otherwise. The Prideful cannot admit they are wrong, and will hurt or let other people suffer to maintain the illusion. They often lash out at people who question their decisions or their reputation. You regain one point of willpower whenever he exerts his own wants -not needs, that's more lust- over people at some risk to himself. Sloth: Evil succeeds when good men do nothing, and the slothful embody this truth. Often they put off the work until someone else has to step in to do the work for them. Putting in effort, and risking failure, isn't on their agenda. The fact that other people suffer from their laziness doesn't matter one bit. You regain 1 willpower whenever you successfully avoid a difficult task, but achieve your goal anyway, usually when someone else bails you out. Wrath: The Wrathful are angry people who's rage is very inappropriate and out of proportion to the slights received. They’re always looking for ways to vent their anger, and the wrathful usually seek out people who are of no consequence to them- the powerful picking on the powerless. A noble might burn down a whole village because a peasant attempted to punch him. Or a person cut off in traffic tries to drive the other driver off the road. Unlike most vices, Wrath is more specific. If a fight has already begun, then no points can be gained. The anger must be expressed in areas that are inappropriate and dangerous for the character to do so- in the sense of repercussions.

[tutupaslab]

Airplane ramblings

I am currently on a plane to london, starting a long journey to san francisco for a couple of days...crazy to travel from scotland to sf for just 4 days, but this is what you do to be with family and i know even with the pain of the travel ( and continue with my half marathon training while jet lagged) will be worth it. Lately i have been in a very refective mood, and traveling always makes the feeling pop up more...must be the knowledge of having to fill up some 15+ hours with something more than movie and shows! I am not one to journal often: i used to when i was younger, but i always felt like i was using writing as a way to focus on the negative feelings i was experiencing and decided that was not healthiest way of coping with my feelings, so i decided to stop. That and the fact i often feel like my thoughts run much faster than i can process in words, making it hard to focus on specific words. But every now and then the need to put my thoughts down surfaces, and when it does i truly enjoy putting my thoughts on paper. Or on an ipad,as is the case now. I honeslty wish i did have some paper, typing on an iPad isn't the most comfortable. I have been practicing proper typing techniques lately and my fingers are itching to use them, but the ipad keyboard is a bit awkward for that. But i am getting lost in my thoughts and losing track of what i wanted to say. See what i mean when i say my thoughts go faster that i can process? (Cue reflective song to help concentrate) Lately i have been doing a lot of thinking: sometimes i wonder if this is an effect of working towards a PhD: we a constantly troubleshooting experimental problems and trying to figure out what the results of the experiments mean, i feel like i am applying the same mentality to my life; constantly troubleshooting why i feel a certain  way and trying to figure out the best way to "be" (akin to finding the best protocol for an experiment) coupled with my infj personality that makes for a lot of thinking and assessing my feelings. Some time ago I was at a symposium with my group and our boss was telling us about how having an ego can be particularly damaging in science, it interferes with being open to criticism and feedback. He told us about this book "the book of joy" and how he found it particularly nice and helpful to realize how important it is to let go of ones ego. We then went on to talk about what we what to achieve in life, a mantra of sorts of your whole life. I hadn't really thought about having one to be honest, but what sprung to mind at the moment was "growth". In this last year I have to realize that if there is one thing I want to achieve in my life is to always strive for becoming the best version of myself. Which is, without a doubt, a very good objective to have, although I am still unsure if it stems from a positive desire to be a better person or from my perfectionist personality, so a desire to be the best person. They might seem like similar things, but only one of them comes with a healthy attitude. At this moment, I can only try to focus on shifting it from the latter to the former...Already a sign of growth, amiright? Progress people!! So yeah, growth. And I mean it in every aspect of my life, from work to love. I recently learned that growth, not happiness, is the objective of even the simplest thing, personal relationships...life is tough! I have been struggling quite a bit lately with trying to grow and overcome my fears and preconceptions. I don't think I was prepared for how much doing a PhD would influence my life and my mentality. I approached it from a purely scientific, experimental point of view, and didn't realize how much it would influence my whole life. Sure I knew it would be tough and take a lot from me, but you never really know until you go through it right? So what have I been struggling with? A lot of things: impostor syndrome, comparison, fear of abandonment, fear of failure, body image, not being enough...you name it! And I probably haven't been dealing with all of it in the best way: instead of dealing with the issues, I keep giving myself more work to do, taking on things I might not have time for, running loads, taking up climbing, probably in the hopes of getting a feeling of accomplishment from something that might validate who I am and make me feel worth something. Undoubtedly, this as not happened, as I cannot feel accomplished unless I am mentally open to acknowledging my success as so =D. Don't get me wrong, I am using big words and describing loads of issues: while they are present they aren't overpowering or crushing, I am generally a happy person. They are simply there in the background, and simply causing me to question my attitude towards life. Not sure if I am still making sense, this is turning more and more into a ramble and less of a structured, thought out piece. I mentioned perfectionism before: I am 100% positive that the need to be perfect is at the basis of all my issues. Have known so for a while. I see my lab mates and compare myself to them, to what they can achieve and I want to beat them. I am competitive, and yes that is a good quality to have, but not if it comes at the expense of your self confidence. My need to be perfect makes it so that I compare myself to other runners on social media: why can't I run as fast as that one girl? No matter that I have no clue as to what she is doing during her days, how many hours she works...why can't I find a way to fit yoga in my days more?...while still being able to cook proper meals and keep my kitchen/ apartment in a decent state? I have recently picked up climbing with some friends: I had tried it once before, both my sisters were loving it, so I tagged along. I wasn't in the right mindset, and i did not enjoy it at the time. See, I have this terrible attitude of not starting something unless I know I can be good  at it. I sucked the first time I went climbing, and, like the fox with the grapes he couldn't reach, I decided I didn't like climbing and "it's not what I want anyways". I think I have made some progress since then, and have realized the only way of getting good at something is to (surprise, surprise) practice, practice, practice. I am still working on that's, I tend to avoid routes I can't do and quit quickly, but my climbing "mentor" keeps an eye on me and challenges me to try again until I manage. Thank you Richard =). I think climbing will be good for teaching me it's ok to fall down and fail, but keep on trying and soon you will find a way to get to the top, maybe an easier path than you had initially tried. And more troubleshooting practice to help for my PhD brain. And it gives you killer muscles and strength, so win-win =). I mentioned impostor syndrome as one of the things I feel: it's a very common feeling in academia, not sure if it people in other work environments know it/ describe it: in short, it's the feeling of being a fraud, having gotten to where you are by pure luck and, one day, the people around you will figure out you are not as good as they thought you were and you don't deserve the status you have. Hello, my name is Giulia and I definitely have impostor syndrome. When I first joined my lab,it was just me, another PhD student a couple of months ahead of me and our boss. The lab had just started out less than a year before, and my boss was heavily depending on my colleague and me for research. I soon became, in a way, indispensable: my project was the main one in the lab, the one that would most likely produce papers and get my boss the funding/ tenure he needed. I am not going to lie, I loved it. I loved being the one to have long brainstorming sessions with my boss, getting project after project, helping build the base of the research in the lab. I had a purpose and no one else could fill it at that time. Flash forward some time, the lab gets funded and more people join the lab. A technician I had trained from zero, a new PhD student, and a post doc. For some time I was still the invaluable asset. I was the one they would all go to for questions about techniques, the field etc because I had the answers, but soon a team of one for the projects became a team of three. My projects were broken up and divided and whist I maintained the 2-3 I was most involved in/ wanted to keep, the rest was given to others to continue with. In hindsight, it couldn't have gone any other way: I am but one person with three years of funding for my PhD, I cannot do everything in the time that my boss needs. But still, I lost the feeling of being invaluable for the lab, I started to feel like I wasn't good enough anymore and soon my boss would realize there was better out there, that out post doc was clearly better and smarter than me and maybe I didn't even deserve the really important project I had. The craziest thing: we are going to a conference in June, it's in the UK and we can reach it by train, so it's going to be quite cheap for us. The university recently opened up applications for funding for travel to conferences if you are going to present a poster or talk (which I am) and my supervisor suggested I apply for it. What was the first thing that popped into my head when I read his email? He suggested I apply because he doesn't think I deserve to go and would rather not waste the 200- something pounds on me attending. I kid you not. I immediately caught the thought and reminded myself that was crazy talk, but still the thought is there in the back of my mind. I recently realized what is probably the worst way of thinking I have: I compare myself, my achievements to people with much more experience than me. Being a scientist in academia requires a lot of different skills that might not be immediately apparent. Sure, you need to be technically good and you need to be able to think and process results past an recent to figure out the answers to your questions, but there is so much more to it. You need to be able to communicate your science, to both other scientists and the general population, you need to do so in an engaging manner, capture their attention and make them think that what you do it important. You need to be able to justify why you should be funded for such research, and be able to come up with the right ways to ask the questions you want to ask. And, most of all, you need to be able to identify which are the right questions to ask. And people don't realize this, but you also need to be good at networking and managing people, because after all your lab is made up of people and the team can only work if every part does. So a lot of skills are needed, and some of them you end up learning as you go along. No one expects a PhD student to be able to properly manage a team of people or even one student and their project whilst dealing with their own project, no one expect a PhD student to be able to write a grant application flawlessly with no practice. So why do I expect all of these things from myself? I keep comparing myself to my boss, a really bright scientist who has 10 extra years of experience of being a scientist, and this comparison, which I can never "win", can only damage me. I can never achieve what I expect from myself, and I end up paralyzed with fear for my future. I am also a very different person from my boss. I can use him as inspiration, I definitely should, but I cannot use him as an objective of what I should be because we are completely different people, with different backgrounds and strengths and weaknesses. I think I am at a cross road: everyday I learn something new about myself and I think I am truly starting to understand who I am and what are my strengths and weaknesses, but I still need to learn how to apply what I know to my day to day life. That is the hardest part though, right? What I can say so far: I vow to be as gentle with myself as possible, to take care of myself (when was the last time I had a face mask?!) and to always remember that progress is not a straight line, but a series of hills and valley that ultimately lead to the mountain. To take each day as it comes, not to focus about what I should be learning, bur focus on what doing (and thus actually learn) and, learn to listen to bugs bunny, and to "mot take life too seriously".