#and being in a relationship with me:has a possibility of HURTING someone

[pussy-ache]

#bpd #i have a lot of feelings about this. unsurprisingly lmao. #there’s a mixture of shame and embarrassment #i cannot be mad at my teenage self. she did not know what she was doing. she tripped right into this without any idea. #but i am a little ashamed. yea. #it’s also a little heartbreaking and i cried so much reading this study it took me a couple hours to finish it #what’s ironic is that its actually my greatest fear to hurt the people around me with this. i’m literally terrified of this #and i have every right to be #since apparently it’s been clinically proven that anyone close to me :) will experience :) psychological distress :) #and being in a relationship with me:has a possibility of HURTING someone #the pedestal wasn’t imagined. #except it has a clinical name. not pedestal but ‘’splitting’’ #his gut was right and i’m glad he trusted it. #i’ve known about the concept of the ‘’FP’’ for years now but i was always too ashamed to admit to it because it’s … so obvious #and so fucking embarrassing #that to admit to this being a thing for me was to admit that i had the disorder itself and i wasn’t ready for it at the time #and it also makes me afraid for what this means for the friendship itself and i wasn’t ever ready to tackle that either #to know that the roots of our friendship rests on THIS is just …. so heartbreaking to me… #to love someone that much and to find out that it’s all like. this manifestation of my mental illness is kinda horrifying tbh? #like 15 years of solid ground turning to quicksand under my feet within fucking seconds #and now i’m left with this immense love that feels so …. unhealthy. a symptom of mental illness. #it was all a symptom of my fucking mental illness. #what do i DO with that? where do i PUT that?