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#and as i was contemplating thaf i thought hm. it's possible i'm sublimating some things there
moregraceful
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15 days
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Photos: 1. Blossoms on I think the plum tree, taken on film; 2. Jake Oettinger grappling with Miro Heiskanen while Jason Robertson and Roope Hintz look on; 3. Flowers and shadows at midnight.
#having like eight different mental breakdowns rolled into one atm and like don't even know how to talk about them
#like where do i start. it started eight months ago. it started two years ago. it started 35 years
#ago.
#i said i would have * done by tonight bc it would open up some job opportunities but every time i look at google docs i scream
#i may need to handwrite it
#and people at * being like oh you look tired. well i am tired. you people make me very tired. but you do not care
#and it's like how much of this was preventable vs how much is just someone pulling out that last loadbearing block in the jenga tower of my
#sanity and now it's all falling down
#i made a list last night to compare things that would make me sad about doing * vs things that fill me with hope and curiosity and quiet joy
#the hope/curiosity/quiet joys list was a lot longer
#i swear every third text message i send beryl is like hi. i'm spiralling. again. but then i'll say to someone else and theyre like wow have
#you tried not spiraling?
#well i love to do that personally but every time i try something massively destabilizing happens
#it's so interesting (it's not interesting)
#angela sent a wonderful prompt about sleep deprived demon summoning
#and being as i am on that shit i thought ok what if cale summons a demon due to sleep deprivation
#but the demon is simply his younger self. happier
#less ground down. more bright-eyed. easier to smile. doesn't feel the weight of expectation
#voice like you hear in a recording of yourself five years ago and it's you but it's not you
#it's him but it's not him because it's also a little evil. what if you hadn't looked the other way
#what if you said something. what if you found your voice. what if you let your heart grow open rather than grow cold.
#the demon of a cale who is less serious and more open less selfish and more giving
#and he calls devon in the night and devon ends up at his house with two cales the one he loves and the one he always wishes he'd known
#before the nhl ground it out of him
#and then devon has to decide who does he keep the now cale he loves or the old happier gentler cale
#and as i was contemplating thaf i thought hm. it's possible i'm sublimating some things there
#like i am to be clear a way happier and more well-adjusted person overall than i was five years ago
#but rn i'm also an animal with its leg in a trap growing increasingly desperate and frantic
#fresno oilers.txt
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