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silenceconsumes · 6 years

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Oh shit... I didn't think of anything to write.

This happens more often then it really should. I get to the end of my day, start to wind down for bed, and realize that I have completely spaced trying to come up with something to monologue about. It leaves me with nothing to really ponder, nothing to co template or reminisce about and because of that I am left feeling like I have missed the point of the journal entry. I mean yes I generally give at the very least a recap on the day, and a bit about whether or not I managed to make it through the day while adherring to my diet and excersize program but where is the depth? Where is the soul searching or the philosophical wonderings that I see so many people contributing on their blogs?

It almost seems that more and more this journal of mine is becoming nothing but a way to track if I am being honest with myself about the day and to keep me from straying too far away from my plans to better myself. But what is the point of working out my body if I don't also try to strive for improving my mental health. The real question I have to ask myself I guess is how. How do I open up? How do I breach the subject of abuse or neglect? Where do I begin? These are things that truly bother me because I don't really have an answer to any of them.

Real quick before I try to scrounge around for something meaningful to talk about... yes I kept to my diet for the most part. I did have a few cookies but nothing extravagant. I had pan fried cod, red beans and rice, and broccoli for dinner with a glass of cabernet. Lunch was a tuna fish sandwhich on twelve grain bread. All in all I'd say my food was healthy today.

I did complete all but two sets of squats today and that was more out of acknowledgement that if I push myself much farther with that particular excersize without giving my muscles time to recouperate that I might end up doing more harm than good. So tomorrow squats will be off the table and I will have to find something else to fill the gap it left. Perhaps leg raises and more flutter kicks. If I can't work out my quads than my lower abs and glutes are probably the next best thing. Oh, and I didn't walk home today, Dad wasn't feeling well so he couldn't drop me off this afternoon. Its okay though I just hope he feels better.

Today was the first day of a full dose of hydroxycut and honestly I felt great. No nap, a full workout, and still had a decent amount of energy left to work with when I got home. Now I just have to hope that I start seeing some physical results in the next week or two. Fingers crossed and positive vibes will have to sustain me until then. I did get some meal replacement shakes for breakfast since I have had a hard time eating in the morning lately. I just seem to keep running out of time. Now though I'll have something to burn and to run off of early in the morning!

My New Years Resolutions are still in full effect. I haven't had a single bite of fast food since before New Years, no nicotine since about two weeks in, and besides the cookies today I really haven't had much added sugar in my diet. Hell, I haven't even had a soda in probably a month or more I think. So thats huge in itself. In fact a lot of my self improvement stems from those resolutions and this blog which at times is the only thing keeping me strong enough to resist my cravings. I just think to myself about how nice it will be to lay in bed and write that I succeeded in my diet that day, and how proud of myself I would be if I could make it a whole year. I know I write this a lot but I really owe her quite a lot for getting me started in this and keeping me motivated to stay active with it.

I had to write a student up today which is always a bummer. What really surprised me the most though is who I had to write up and for what offense. Namely a student vandalized the back of one of my seats by writing her phone number (in ink) across the back. Normally this sort of behavior is to be expected or an elementary school student but not this time. She was a high school student. She's in JROTC and is generally a very good, and very quiet girl. I don't know what happened to change that today. And she was stupid enough to write her personal cell down. So now not only is there the possibility of other people having her number, but she can't try to deny it was someone else since I did a reverse lookup and it came up with her personal facebook. Her mother did not seem very happy to hear about any of it (mandatory call home for vandalism).

Alright caught up on the day, the diet and excersizw, and resolutions. I have spent just under forty straight minutes typing and while doing so I have been thinking about neglect and what it might really entail and how it affected me. Yet all I can really come up with off the top of my head are my inability to really trust that someone cares because it was a rare occurance when I was young (keep in mind that Dad wasn't there most of the time. He cared. He cares. A lot. But he had other things to do to keep the family afloat) and some of my antisocial personality traits. I will need to dive into it deeper and get back to it. If I can remember I will bring a notebook with me tomorrow afternoon so that I can jot things down while between runs. Then I can transcribe them here when I get the chance.

Alright thats all for the night. I need to sleep pretty badly. With any luck the quality of my sleep tonight will be loads better than last night.

Journal Entry #58 23:47, Tuesday March 6 2018

Will

#long entry tonight #recapping the day #the diet and excersize #and my resolutions #also trying to think about past neglect/abuse #thats really it #oh and I had to write up a student #she used her own personal cell #not a smart choice really #motivation to continue journaling #weightloss journey #one step at a time

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