#an actual gift from wwx even if wwx did it in jest and with little thought

[oseike]

Re-reading mdzs finally because I have enough brain space to focus on words and I reached the part where wwx finds out about the rabbits in Gusu and hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh //clutches my chest

#mdzs #god it's played off as a funny thing for wwx and it truly does amuse him #but as a person reading it the second time you come to realize what those rabbits probably meant to lwj #another trace of wwx that lwj gently cultivated and cared for because he couldn't let his memory die #and it was so personal to lwj specifically #it wasn't as if rabbits were anything but a passing joke to wwx #he'd found them trying to hunt pheasants and never brought them up again #but to lwj they were one of a precious few memories lwj was able to think back on fondly #an actual gift from wwx even if wwx did it in jest and with little thought #a moment where wwx said he wanted friendship #and lwj rebuffed him and bodily threw him out of the room #how much did that act haunt him later? #looking at those rabbits that wwx had offered in friendship and knowing he had pushed wwx away #and asking himself what might have gone differently if he had accepted wwx as a friend instead #wondering if instead of pushing him away so much he had chosen a friendship if that could have altered those moments in the future #where wwx didn't trust him #and pushed lwj away #even though wwx was deeply pained and losing himself #even though wwx needed help so desperately and lwj was willing to do anything to give it to him #yet wwx rejected him #and it all led to lwj leaving him #and then wwx going back to yiling alone #if instead he had agreed to go to gusu and be treated by lwj could lwj have saved him? #and it all circles back to this moment so long ago with a pair of rabbits and an offer of friendship #is it torture for lwj to see them and constantly remind himself of that moment #perhaps it is another way of him doing penance #and strengthening his own resolve to never push wwx away again should they ever be able to meet #and if they don't get to meet #then at least lwj will be made to remember and relive that memory #when wwx was vibrant and alive and not tainted by the twisted resentment of the undead or by the events that came later