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tmntxreader-fics · 5 years

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TMNT Raph’s Karma (PART 3)

The final part in this series has arrived!

And... I hate it. BUT that could also be because I’ve stared at it blankly for at least 2 hours a day for what feels like eons and only type 50 words per session.

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WARNINGS: Cursing

PREVIOUSLY:

“I didn’t know how to handle you. Not your temper or anything, that’s the same as before I can deal with that. When it comes down to it, I just didn’t know how to handle the fact that I’m-” you choke on the last words and you feel like you’re ready to puke at the blank expression that’s found it’s way to his face.

“The fact that you what?” Raphael questions, his voice as monotone as his expression. You vaguely notice that your chest is heaving up and down as if you had only just finished your gym session, in reality you are more anxious than you’ve ever been knowing exactly what’s about to come out of your mouth next.

“The fact that I’m in love with you.”

The silence that envelops the room is deafening; and it’s only because you’re watching Raphael like a hawk for some sort of a reaction do you manage to catch that he’s trembling.

You breathe out shakily, your voice during the confession had almost like a plea for mercy rather than a statement. His entire face has slackened and if you had to guess you’d say that he’s trying to decide on whether you’re simply fucking with him or not.

This somehow, (and to your utter dismay), serves as a motivator for your nervous rambling to make a grand entrance, “Obviously I’ve never experienced love before but I think what I feel for you goes way beyond stupid attraction. I think I’m- I just, honestly Raph, I think I’m in love with you and I’m fucking terrified by it so I thought avoiding you would somehow solve it but I see now that I was so fucking stupid to do that and I’m sorry; I shouldn’t have done that, I-”

Your anxiety induced rant is cut shorter than expected when a large hand is swiftly but ever so softly placed over your mouth. The terrapin has moved so close to you that you find yourself struggling to remember to breathe, his presence thieving all the oxygen in the room. A molten gold gaze finds yours, burning with undecipherable intensity and you shiver when he grinds out the questions, “Are you playing a joke on me? Are you being serious?”

You’re unsure as to whether you should nod “yes” or shake your head “no”. You opt to, instead, place your hand over his own and slowly pull it away from your mouth. “I’m serious,” you trail off. There’s so much you want to say, you want to make it clear that you didn’t fall for his transformation; not for the size of his biceps or his new height. You want to tell him that you’ve been falling since you met him, that only when you were forced apart for 8 months did you finally understand that you had felt more than friendship.

“No,” Raph rasps and your heart drops.

No. No? ‘No’ to what exactly? No to your feelings? Your confession? Your existence?? You watch helplessly as he leans in slightly but not in the way you want him to. His demeanour is almost intimidating, you would be alarmed if you couldn’t see the wetness collecting in the corner of his eyes. In that moment, catching the way the light glints off the misty sheen in his gaze, you realise that he’s vulnerable. Afraid to open himself up to the chance that you could honestly love someone like him. “If you really felt that way, you wouldn’t be ignorin’ me. You can’t even look at me no more and you expect me to believe that you feel somethin’ for me?”

You know instantly that he’s right, that whatever you say from here is going to seem like excuses but it doesn’t stop you from trying. “It was an immature way for me to deal with it, I know. I’m sorry,” you plead, trying to catch his eyes that have averted their gaze to the floor on the right. “I just, I didn’t know what to do. You’re not the same as you were, honestly you make me nervous now.”

He inhales sharply and turns a narrowed stare to meet yours, “why? ‘Cos of my size? You think I’ve changed but-”

You cut him off before he can continue down the path that you had already dissuaded, “No! Not because of that!” You grit your teeth, there’s no way that you can further embarrass yourself at this point so you try to come to terms with the fact that admitting everything and anything that you feel towards him will make things easier to process. You steel yourself before speaking, holding tight to your resolve. At least, if this goes wrong, you can just ghost and it’s not like they can just catch you awkwardly at the local coffee shop.

“The way you talk, the way you look at me, everything between us has changed now. Maybe it’s just me, maybe I’m making up this tension in my head, I don’t know,” you breathe. “You went from cute to charming and now, as bad as it sounds, instead of me messing with you it’s the other way around and you’re good at it. I didn’t know how to deal with being at the disadvantage and it came to a point where it wasn’t just a game anymore for me. So, I was avoiding you instead of owning up to how I felt and I’m sorry for that, Raph.”

You look down at your feet, unable to handle the indecipherable stare of someone you’re attempting to confess your feelings for. There’s a pregnant pause before Raph exhales slowly and deliberately, your stomach feels heavy with nausea at the sound. You want to reach out and touch him; your bodies so close but, strangely, the small distance between seems like a mile.

Raphael breaks that distance with a hand placed on your shoulder, enveloping the entire curved structure. You look up sharply but you’re careful to convey a neutral expression. The words that exit his mouth next make your face drop completely.

“So, what you’re saying is,” he begins, eyeing you with decisive intention, “I’ve got fucking mad game and now you’re obsessed with me?”

Your jaw drops and, for the first time in a long time, you’ve been rendered completely speechless.

Raphael’s lips twitch before they curve upwards and stretch over his teeth. His laugh is boisterous and loud, almost startling you from your shocked state.

“What?!” You exclaim, bashing your open palms against his plastron. “Are you serious, right now?!”

He grabs your hands that had been whacking his chest, subduing your feeble hits easily. His laughter makes you want to die of embarrassment, a blush forming on your cheeks with pigmented colour to rival his bandanna.

“Piss off, you oversized meatball,” you snap at him, wanting nothing more than to just disappear.

“Aw, come on short-stack, don’t be like that,” Raph chuckles, his fit of amusement slowly settling.

“You were the ‘short-stack’ first, be original,” you retort, rolling your eyes.

“Nah, alright, I’m sorry,” he states, his voice still seeping with mirth. He takes a knee, barely a few inches shorter than you even in this position. A golden gaze seeks out your own and you reluctantly meet his eyes, both of you sobering up. “Look, I know exactly why I love ya, but I don’t know why the hell you’re into me. You could get anyone and ya settle for some fuckin’ swamp monster who can’t give you nothin’; not even half of what ya deserve.”

He clenches his jaw, and looks at the ground briefly before turning back up to face you, “Being with me will rob you of anythin’ normal. Hell, I can’t even take you out on a proper fuckin’ date and that’s the most basic, simple thing in a relationship!”

You narrow your eyes and, this time, it’s your hand that muffles his next words. “You listen here, pinhead. You better listen close,” you huff, “I don’t want basic. I don’t want simple. I don’t want what’s normal. What I want is you! Your time, your company, your attention, your love, your advice; none of that requires socially acceptable activities.”

You take your hand off his mouth and he stares at you for a long moment, a small frown marring his face. “You say that now but when I can’t meet your parents or your friends or take you to a restaurant for our anniversary, what then, huh?”

“We will cross that bridge when we get there,” you state. He bites his lip as if attempting to prevent himself from opening his mouth. “Raph, I’ve made what I want pretty clear but in the end it just comes down to whether you’ll have me or not. Whether you want to give this a shot or not. It’s your choice and I’ll respect whatever decision you make.”

Instead of an answer, there is a pregnant silence and your heart feels as if it’s nestled itself into your throat. You understand his hesitance, this is not going to be an easy relationship. It will reach breaking points, there will be moments of weakness, you both will stress and Raphael will always have that lingering self-doubt. You also know that you want it all; the hardships, the yelling, the arguments, the crying, the breaking point. If the person is worth it, it’s those mutually broken moments that create the strongest foundation. Once you build upon them the only way from there is up with no need to ever look back.

“You...” Raphael trails, visibly bewildered. “Are you actually askin’ whether I’ll have ya?”

You raise an eyebrow at the wobble in his voice, only offering a hesitant nod.

“Oh, you’re a fuckin’ idiot,” he states, his words a breathless sob.

You would have liked to retort, you really would have.

However, as you taste Raphael’s tears on your tongue, you concede that your lips are fairly... preoccupied.

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