#also first time watching the fucking actual unrated version so this will be the first time im watching start to finish & see THE gun frame

[jennilah]

oh boy midnight time to rewatch Saw IV for the uh -checks- fourth time

#i miss them........ i need to see them........................ #also first time watching the fucking actual unrated version so this will be the first time im watching start to finish & see THE gun frame #and many other moments that im so Peeved about them removing!! oooughh!!!! how dare u!!! my fave strahm characterization scenes!!! #jennilargh

[shpadoinkle-day]

Annoying Trey Parker

If you don't know who Trey Parker is, might I suggest that that huge, dark object over your head is a rock you've been under for three years and you should come out from under it? I've been a fan of Trey Parker and Matt Stone since seeing Alferd Packer: The Musical about four years ago. I missed out on South Park at first, but when I finally did start watching it, I had no idea it was also by Trey and Matt. It did make a lot of sense when someone finally told me...anywho, how did I get ahold of Trey Parker to ask him these questions? Well, back when I first started the old website, I had a bunch of South Park stuff up, and one of the things was a series of questions I'd ask Matt and Trey...but not really. They were mostly stupid things that were just jokes. Well, somehow, Trey found the site and answered all the questions. This is why he got out of my standard Bad Taste and Simpsons questions. Yes, I feel stupid, but since I am so good at looking like an ass, anyway, what's a little help from one of the world's best satirists?

Me: In the song ''Blame Canada,'' Terrance and Phillip are referred to as cartoons, yet they interact with the people of South Park. Does this mean that the people are all cartoons and aware of that fact, or was ''cartoon'' just a better word in the song than ''movie?''

Trey: Shiela said they are actors, but Cartman said they were animated, but the movie IS a cartoon, dude.

M: In the South Park movie, was Big Gay Al cast in an anti-Canadian role as a testimony to the fact that ANYONE can succumb to biases, or was it just a cheap way to bring back a popular character?

T: It's just funny that they like him because it's a gay guy at a USO Show, gay and army usually don't mix.

M: Since it hurts to do Cartman's voice, do you find yourself sometimes conciously reducing his part or writing him out all together?

T: No, Cartman is the one who says the politically incorrect stuff that nobody else has the balls to say.

M: Does it bother you that people are always curious if you're gay even though it has absolutely NO baring whatsoever on your work and is a completely meaningless, stupid thing to wonder?

T: They do?

M: So...are you gay?

T: No, you seem like a big fan, ever heard of Lianne or Toddy?

(Lianne is the horse in Alferd Packer, but I don't know who Toddy is...)

M: How come the South Park home videos are still censored?

T: The people at Rhino are dicks sometimes.

M: Was the re-use of the stage name ''Juan Schwartz'' on the Mr. Hankey CD a signal to long time fans that there will be a Cannibal 2, or was it just a way to try and hide the fact that you two do all the voices?

T: We have long time fans?

M: Why the fuck was Orgazmo NC-17? Was it the dog humping scene? Was that scene fun to shoot? If you had to shoot that scene again, would you pick a different breed?

T: There is an unrated version out there somewhere too.

M: Was South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut always going to be an attack on the biased, idiotic MPAA, or did that just evovle because they really suck?

T: Both, just another group we hadn't offended enough yet

M: Tell me, if a group is an ''advisory'' board for parents, giving out ''suggestions,'' how is it that NO ONE under 17 was allowed into South Park without an adult, when surely a suggestion implies that parents should not allow their children to see it, not that the theatres should become some sort of police state just to keep underagers from YOUR film?

T: Ask the wangs who sell the tickets.

M: Whenever Hitler appears, he is always speaking gibberish. Is this a statement that people will follow along with anything if it's said well, or merely an indication of your lack of German skills?

T: That is all Matt's fault!!

M: How annoying is it when fans spot ''goofs'' that are actually jokes and make a big deal about how you fucked up? Like if someone said that Mr. Garrison's history lessons are very inaccurate or something.

T: Some people are complete retards.

M: DVDA should release an EP or something. You've already got at least 3 songs down.

T: In our spare time, right?

M: I hope you didn't try to answer that last one, as it wasn't a question.

T: I hate you now.

M: Nor was that.

T: I want to hit you.

M: If you two could be any type of fish, would you prefer Scooby Doo or erasable pens?

T: I want to bitchslap you and shoot frozen paintballs at you.

#trey parker #matt stone #interview #from the webarchive #GAY TREY TRUTHERS FALLEN TO THEIR KNEES myself included

[satanfemme]

Freaky Movie Fall!

happy halloween! for you, beloved followers, I’ve compiled a list of 31 days worth of movies to watch this autumn! (<- would've been for the month of October if I weren't already 13 days late, but what can u do lol) these aren’t all horror movies, but a mixture of: horror, fucked-up, and/or simply the vibes of the season.

quick disclaimer: altho I recommend all of the movies listed here, I also highly recommend checking a synopsis or doesthedogdie.com before watching anything you're unfamiliar with, as this list sometimes jumps between family friendly films vs. actually disturbing films. but for your convenience, I’ll also be making note of each title's MPAA rating, and I'll be starring the title with an asterisk (*) if any version of the movie includes a sexual assault scene.

(also if the organization of this post only makes sense to me, so be it hdfghf)

Part One: by god it's fall

1. The Plague Dogs (1982), PG-13 - an animated talking dog adventure that's maybe a bit more for adults than children, this movie features tragic (and sometimes outright gruesome) content without it ever feeling forced or out of place for the weird yet moving story being told. never has a movie made me care about cartoon dogs more than this one.

2. Ginger Snaps* (2000), unrated but around PG-13 imo :shrug: - a coming of age supernatural horror(-comedy?) where a werewolf curse serves as a metaphor for puberty. this movie really hits the nail on the head for what it's like to be a Weird Teen, while also discussing some really interesting themes surrounding codependence / leaving unhealthy childhood habits behind.

3. The Blair Witch Project (1999), R - I'm not usually big on found footage shaky cam horror like this, so I put this movie off for such a long time, but boy am I glad I finally gave it a shot. not only did the blair witch kick off the genre, but it more than perfected it imo. the arguments between the characters can be a bit grating and long, but if you don't mind watching a family vacation simulation for a few hours, the built up is worth it.

4. The VVitch (2015), R - although this horror doesn't have the most memorable plot imo, the atmosphere and setting are both notably great. yeah that's about all I've got to say about this one. there's some cool goats in it too? give it a shot!

5. Re-Animator* (1986), R - what if an unhinged medical student discovered how to bring the dead back to life? what if he were gay enough that the tumblr lgbts love him for his crimes (for.. some reason?) yeah, this movie's not my fav but regardless it's still a classic good time 80s sci-fi horror movie, and the gore effects are campy as hell. literally what else could you possible be looking for from this list? this is a movie to watch with popcorn and friends.

6. Pink Flamingos* (1997), NC-17 - ok lets get into it! this postmodern exploitation comedy film (yes I had to google that) is the wildest mix of fun(?) lighthearted humor plus... literal-shit-eating and foot fetish sex scenes (not at the same time). total autumn vibes and what I'd describe as "baltimore core" aesthetics (if you grew up there, you'd know), but definitely not for any fainthearted viewers. for what this movie lacks in horror, it makes up for with everything else it has going on. personally, my fav part is when a block party kills and cannibalizes a group of cops. divine plays the main character, who's also named divine. I've run out of things to say about this that isn't just a content warning list. if any of u ever call me out, please include "is a fan of pink flamingos" in that google doc actually.

7. Watership Down (1978), PG - here's a good breather after that last movie, and serendipity to round this first section out. animated by the same company as the plague dogs, and based off a book by the same author as well, watership down is probably the #1 infamous "violent and bloody animated animal movie". but if you haven't seen it since you were a kid, now's the time to revisit it. its reputation is blown out of proportion - the violence is no worse than, say, a warrior cats AMV. but the story itself? genuinely great and withstanding. this one's been my fav since middle school, for real.

(putting the rest under a read-more for length! u should know what to expect by now wrt the genre range I'm covering here as we only move further down the iceberg)

+ here's a wayback machine link in case the read more ever goes down x

Part Two: creature feature

8. The Thing (1982), R - now THIS is some classic 80s practical effects horror. it's been too long since I've seen this one but I remember the tension being palatable. oh my god they made amongus into a movie??? also there's a fucked up evil dog! idk what else to say about it, I'm scared of antarctica now lol.

9. Ju-On: The Grudge (2002), R - the third installment of the ju-on horror series, this movie has great special effects and memorable ghosts. if you haven't watched any japanese horror movies yet, this is a great intro.

10. Bram Stoker's Dracula* (1992), R - uh oh babyyyyy we're in vampire territory now!!! although the slow plot of dracula routinely fails to hold me, the beautiful cinematography and establishing vampire lore makes this the must-see beginner film for the next few movies on this list.

11. Only Lovers Left Alive (2013), R - the modern vampire romance to end all vampire romances. like the last one, this is a slower movie, but I thought it'd be fun to add here as a comparison (or perhaps even as a foil) to the last. also the vampires in this movie are sooo beautiful in an etheral way, it's unreal 😳.

12. Interview With the Vampire (1994), R - picture this: a coven of vampires impersonates themselves as a theatre troop. now, in front of a human audience, they put on a "play". vampires pretending to be humans pretending to be vampires (how avant garde!). now at the climax of this performance, they actually kill and eat a live mortal woman. the audience, believing this all to be acting, do nothing but watch as the woman on stage screams for help. all this and more can be yours for the low low price of watching this movie.

13. The Queen of the Damned (2002), R - did you enjoy that last movie? well here's the sequel! - but don't expect this one to have anywhere near the same contemplative tone. instead, this one sports a nu-metal soundtrack and an off-the-rails plot to match (side note: world famous rockstar lestat's "coming out" as a vampire speech, totally reads like a coming out speech a la brian slade's in velvet goldmine, lol). if you're the kind of person who still watches twilight out of middle school nostalgia, this movie's the one for you. except the characters in this movie aren't mormons - they're goth!

14. The Lost Boys (1987), R - you know that fantasy you always have about running away to the california coast, joining a gay commie vampire polycule, and then eating innocent people every night, riding on ur matching 80s vampire motorcycles all the while? well that's what this movie is! in this horror-comedy (which is way too campy to ever actually horrify), the main character's transformation into a half-vampire reads as a gay awakening/coming out story, and the costume design is more than outstanding. this is honestly the highlight of these vampire movies imo, and maybe the highlight of the 80s as well!

15. What We Do in the Shadows (2015), R- a great way to tie off these last few, and this last section as a whole: what we do in the shadows is a genre-referential mockumentory about vampires. both this movie, and the spin-off tv show it inspired, are a genuinely funny and genius take on the vampire myth. ntm the re-watchability in this one is off the charts!

Part Three: the real monsters all along

16. Saw (2004), R- this franchise may be infamous for being shallow torture porn, but the first movie has a genuine plot to it and isn't any more gory than your average horror movie. a mystery more than anything, saw is about two men trying to find their way out of a deadly puzzle, and maybe even learning a lesson along the way. (<- and/or learning that they're gay, if the popular tumblr fanon is to be believed hfgjdfh).

17. Parasite (2019), R - this thriller deserved every amount of praise it received when it was released. it discusses the horrors of capitalistic inequality (especially that in south korea) in such a brilliant way by setting up for one plot, and then completely turning it on its head halfway through. great plot twists and a thrilling climax, 10/10.

18. Carrie (1979), R - a coming-of-age supernatural horror movie with the most sympathetic main character in the world, carrie is just as much a tragedy as anything else. side note: if you've been following along with all of these movies, this film would be fun to compare and contrast with ginger snaps! (I expect a 2 page times new roman essay about it on my desk by monday thx).

19. Hellraiser* (1987), R - an extremely horny and gory 80s horror movie about a group of sadomasochistic entities torturing and killing people in a practical effects masterpiece. meanwhile, another character tries to bring himself back from the dead in a manner equally as horrifying. if you love good gore, this is the crown jewel. if you're squeamish about torture...... .. . ... sorry.

20. Tetsuo the Iron Man* (1989), unrated but I give it a solid R - a japanese cyberpunk body horror film about a man who undergoes a curse slowly transforming him from flesh into metal and machinery. the plot can be hard to follow at times, but the body horror is genuinely incredible (and nasty!) and the fight scenes towards the end get super fun.

21. Scream* (1996), R - a genre-referential slasher, though beginners to the genre will absolutely "get it" too (you'll notice this list itself is lacking in slasher movies oops). this movie can feel a bit full of itself at times (imo), but it pulls of horror-comedy in a way that's been rarely pulled off since.

22. Train to Busan (2016), unrated but I'd give it an R - a claustophobic action adventure zombie horror movie with incredible heart at its core! I can't remember if I cried at the end, but if I didn't then I came close. if nothing else on this entire list strikes you, just watch this movie, please.

23. Mysterious Skin* (2005), NC-17 - generally I don't recommend this movie to people due to its content, but I figured if pink flamingos can be on this list, so can this one. this coming of age drama may be a respite from all the horror films in this section, but it's still by far the most upsetting imo. mysterious skin follows the story of two teen boys living parallel (yet often intertwining) lives in a small town, one a sex worker, and the other a UFO conspiracy theorist. this movie is incredibly moving, disturbing, thought provoking - and also the kind of movie I watched once and will never watch again.

24. The Crow* (1994), R - remember when superhero movies were good? this is a superhero movie but good. a goth and undead rockstar goes on a killing spree getting revenge on those who killed him and his wife - all on devil's night. and when I saw goth, I do mean goth; the cure recorded a song for this soundtrack, and it's still my favorite thing they've ever done.

Part Four: halloween week!

25. Rob Zombie's Halloween* (2007), R - yeah yeah yeah I'm putting this one before the original, but in my defense I'm saving the original for the 31st slot (halloween night...). most of the remakes and sequels in this slasher franchise aren't necessarily worth checking out on their own - but this one is. a sympathetic and rob-zombie-core take on the plot of the first halloween, I'm still convinced michael myers did nothing wrong.

26. House of Wax (2005), R - this movie plays My Chemical Romance for the end credits. helena by my chemical romance plays at the end of this movie. hey did you know that -- yeah I'm still not over this fact. uhm. the movie itself is pretty cool too. idk it's a 2005 slasher movie with a hot antagonist, have fun!

27. House of 1,000 Corpses* (2002), R - if you hated rob zombie's halloween, you'll hate this one too. but it you loved rob zombie's halloween... well good news! literally all of his movies are the same! this is a rob-zombie-core slasher with fun character designs and truly despicable antagonists, plus dwight from the office is in this one! this movie's about as campy and fun as a slasher can get.

28. Eraserhead (1977), unrated but probably an R idk - movies of ALL time, I'm truly obsessed with this one. eraserhead is an experimental and surreal body horror film by david lynch and about fears of fatherhood (among other things). this movie follows its plot in such a way that it makes me feel like I'm watching it in a pretentious new york art gallery black box theatre or something, sitting in silence among my classmates who are also visiting on our field trip. top tier lynch film.

29. The Addam's Family (1991), PG-13 - believe it or not, I have surprising few opinions on this movie! look, it's the addam's family. I'm sure u at least know the vibes of this franchise, right? halloween comedy? well here, watch it and have fun between all those weird and fucked up movies I keep throwing at u.

30. Noroi: the Curse (2005), unrated but probably around an R- movies that scared me SO bad I couldn't sleep at all, this film is a japanese horror mystery that's been compared to the x-files but don't let that fool you. between disturbing body horror, legitimately startling ghost effects, and many unsettling found footage shaky cams, the x-files wishes it were even a tenth as horrifying as this documentary-style movie is.

31. Halloween (1978), R - my wife!!!! my wife is here!!!!!! (author's note: michael myers is my male wife, thank you). no, ofc this movie isn't "good" but it's a slasher and it's fun, and the first time I ever watched it was perhaps the most fun I've ever had on a halloween night in my life, so I Absolutely recommend this one if you love silly 70s horror and want to have a good time!

and that's it!!!! 31 movie recommendations from me to you! watch these all in the order I gave you, or pick and choose based on my reviews, it's up to you! either way, I hope this is fun and helpful to at least somebody, and feel free to reblog or save this post to your heart's delight <3

#horror #horror movies #halloween #I'm not tagging all those franchises but uhhh idk lmk if there's any other tags u think I should use on this cause that's all I've got #freaky movie fall #<- for my own archives lol

[therealkn]

David’s Resolution - Day 18

Day 18 (January 18, 2019)

Blade: Trinity (2004)

“In the movies, Dracula wears a cape, and some old English guy always manages to save the day at the last minute with crosses and holy water. But everybody knows the movies are full of shit. The truth is, it started with Blade, and it ended with him. The rest of us were just along for the ride.”

In 1997, Batman & Robin was released to theaters and... well, a lot of people didn’t like it. In fact, many say it’s one of the worst movies ever made. The first part is true as it was slammed by critics and audiences upon release and has cultivated a considerable notoriety for its badness; the second part is false because trust me, it is FAR from the worst ever made. If you unironically consider Batman & Robin one of the worst films ever, please tell me what your criteria are for determining whether a film is “one of the worst ever”, because I think that criteria is lacking. But one thing that is for certain about Batman & Robin is that it, along with the failure of Steel that same year, more or less killed DC Comics’ hold in the box office. They struggled for several years with other films until finally seeing success again with 2005′s Batman Begins, which was a critical and commercial success and started Christopher Nolan’s “Dark Knight Trilogy” of Batman films.

In between those Batman films, however, Marvel Comics decided to take another shot at movies after some... not-so-great films. And we got Blade. Hell yeah.

Telling the stylish and action-packed tale of the half-vampire Blade (Wesley Snipes) who hunts down vampires and does so in the coolest way possible, Blade - released one year after Batman & Robin - was a critical and commercial success, Marvel’s first in the box office. This was impressive not only because it was a comic book movie and people were questioning the viability of the genre after Batman & Robin, but also because it was an R-rated comic book movie featuring a more obscure character instead of someone more well-known to audiences. Blade was a pretty cool, stylish, badass movie and while X-Men and Spider-Man would become bigger and more famous successes, I’d like to think that Blade started Marvel’s new era of superhero movies and influenced their approach to making future films, especially when it came to looking into more obscure properties to adapt to film like the Guardians of the Galaxy.

And then there was Blade II, released in 2002 and directed by my guy Guillermo del Toro. This was a sequel that was even better than the original in practically every way. The villain was cooler and surprisingly sympathetic (not being mean to you, Stephen Dorff, you were great in the first film, but I’m just saying), the story has some neat twists to it, the characters are great and memorable, the action’s exciting and one-ups the sequences in the first movie, and it has Del Toro’s distinctive visual style for days.

And then came Blade: Trinity, which cocked the whole thing up. In order to properly prepare for this film, I watched the other two films (I’ve seen them before, which is why I’m not writing full reviews for them). I had actually tried to watch this years ago but only got as far as the first act because younger David somehow thought it was that bad. That’s the younger David who would have probably disliked watching sex, lies, and videotape.

This movie’s premise is simple: the vampire world has decided that in order to destroy Blade, they hit the Godzilla threshold and awaken Dracula (Dominic Purcell), the very first vampire ever to exist, to help them fight. And this time, Blade’s not doing it alone. Okay, he wasn’t always alone, as he had his mentor Abraham Whistler (Kris Kristofferson) in the other two films and- oh, they kill off Whistler in the first act, wow, that’s some bullshit. Well, now Blade has become part of a group of vampire hunters called the Nightstalkers, and accompanying him is the wisecracking Hannibal King (Ryan Reynolds) and Whistler’s daughter Abigail (Jessica Biel). Okay, the stakes are raised - pun unintended, promise - and this is going to be the biggest challenge yet for Blade.

Speaking of Ryan Reynolds... he’s the best thing in this movie ,getting that out there right now. His character, Hannibal King, could best be described as “Deadpool Lite”. He calls his vampire ex a cock-juggling thundercunt, which is one of the greatest insults of all time and that alone makes him great. I can see why some people would find him annoying or grating, but I like to think of it as a dry run for his playing the Merc with a Mouth, which is funny considering that around this time, Reynolds was hearing about the Deadpool character. In fact, after this movie, Reynolds would begin the twelve-year-long journey of bringing DP to the big screen, which would involve playing a character named Wade Wilson in X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

I’m sorry, this movie is not great. It’s just a big disappointing letdown. One of the problems with the movie is with Blade. Not the character himself, he’s still pretty cool and Wesley Snipes is great. I mean that this doesn’t feel like his movie. In the other two movies, it was pretty clear he was the guy in charge, especially in Blade II when he made it clear to the vampires he formed a truce with that he was not someone you screw with. But in this one, he just kinda gets shunted off for several other characters. To their credit, Marvel would get better at ensemble films (The Avengers, ‘nuff said), but in this one, it just feels sad. We watched this movie because we want more of Blade. But it feels like they put him in the back seat to focus more on other characters. He’s the title character for fuck’s sake, and yet he feels like he’s a side character in his own movie. Just like what happened with Tom and Jerry...

What doesn’t help either is that the film is one of those “too many things happening for its own good” films. The movie’s got too much going on and it feels confusing. What’s this film about? Is it about Blade fighting Dracula with the Nightstalkers? Is it about the vampire world finally getting the law to crack down on Blade? Is it about the vampire’s plans to completely subjugate the world? It doesn’t seem to know which one it wants to focus on, which really hurts considering that this is supposed to be the biggest threat that the vampire hunters of the world ever faced, and yet Dracula seems like less of a legitimate threat than Deacon Frost in the first movie or the Reaper virus in the second. And it’s not the only third film in a superhero film series to have this problem, as X-Men: The Last Stand had this same problem with too much happening. Again, Marvel at least got better at juggling multiple plotlines in superhero movies with their cinematic universe, so there is that.

There’s a lot of other problems big and small, and a good chunk of them can probably be traced back to Wesley Snipes. The production of this film was pretty screwed up, and a lot of it is due to him. David S. Goyer, who wrote all the Blade films including this one, ended up directing it when no one else wanted to take the job. Snipes was unhappy with Goyer’s decision to direct, and both he and Kris Kristofferson were unhappy with the script, which is probably why Kristofferson’s character is killed off early on. (Reminds me of what they did with RoboCop’s partner in RoboCop 3, another third movie in a series that sucked.) Not only that, but Snipes was hostile to Goyer as well as Ryan Reynolds and Jessica Biel; at one point, Hannibal King says “He doesn’t like me, does he?”, which was not Hannibal talking about Blade, but Reynolds talking about Snipes. Snipes also apparently refused to leave his trailer for any scenes that didn’t show his face, so his stunt double did a lot of the Blade scenes. His working relationship with Goyer got so bad that he called him a racist several times for no reason and refused to speak to him, communicating only in Post-It notes. The fact that the final film got finished and is... watchable... is pretty impressive.

This film, sadly, killed off the Blade franchise. New Line Cinema’s problems with Wesley Snipes led to them making a short-lived TV show on Spike TV with someone else playing the Daywalker, and then Snipes got sent to prison for tax evasion and the Blade character’s film rights reverted to Marvel during his prison term. He’s been in talks with Marvel Studios to bring the character back, but so far they’ve said they have no plans for the character in the future. Here’s hoping we get more Blade in the future.

I should also mention that the version I saw was the unrated cut, which doesn’t really add more violence or swears or other things cut for an MPAA rating as all the Blade movies were rated R. It has some more plot and character stuff, but that doesn’t help the movie much when compared to the theatrical version. The biggest change is the ending, which includes the infamous shot of Blade’s opening eyes being superimposed over his face when Snipes refused to open his eyes in the scene.

This movie’s a mess, plain and simple. It is without a doubt the weakest film in the Blade trilogy, which sucks because it could have been better. If they had trimmed some of the plotlines and focused more on Blade than his companions, it would have been better. Like Mimic 3, I don’t hate the film, I just find it disappointing with how it could have been better. For what it is, it’s still watchable, but it’s just a muddled mess of a movie. Not sure if I’d recommend it. I’d definitely recommend the other two Blade films.

Also, if any of you are hoping for me to review more Marvel movies as part of this resolution, you may be out of luck, sadly. I’ve seen all the Marvel Cinematic Universe films, as I had to catch up in time for Avengers: Infinity War, as well as all the X-Men films and spinoffs and the 2003 Hulk, which I actually really liked, even more than some MCU films (to which someone will say “it’s okay, you can just say Thor: The Dark World”). ...Although I haven’t seen the Amazing Spider-Man films yet...

Next time: How about a GOOD comic book movie from 1997?

#David's resolution #Blade: Trinity

[racingtoaredlight]

The degenerate’s guide to college football TV watch ‘em ups, 2019 season, week 11

I typed “Bama LSU” into tumblr’s gif search and this was the only result. I take it as a representation of my flawless technique as a writer.

Let’s see if I have the heart or interest to write anything worthwhile below. I’ve probably already done the best work possible in this world. FBSchedules and Vegas Insider are supporting this post materially, unwitting yet they be.

Saturday, November 9

Matchup                                          Time (ET)                     TV/Mobile

Vanderbilt at 10 Florida                  12:00pm                         ESPN

This doesn’t belong on television. This is not the kind of thing people should waste their lives on and I mean that for the players and coaches.

4 Penn State at 17 Minnesota         12:00pm                         ABC

Gophers +6.5 is an absolutely sure thing. It’s either that or there is no god. You can only choose one.

WKU at Arkansas                             12:00pm                       SECN

Have you guys followed the whole Deadspin saga from the last few weeks? My favorite part was that Maidment guy that set the whole cycle in motion and then had to write a bunch of shitty content himself to make the site look sort of normal after everybody quit. I laughed heartily at his horrible writing but I can’t help feeling I’m that kind of brainless dummy clacking away at a company laptop to produce as little impact as possible with my unoriginal words. Anyway, enjoy this version of the Petrino Bowl.

UMass at Army                                  12:00pm                       CBSSN

Army is favored by 34.5. Army is fucking awful. It’s insane that UMass has a win over an FBS team this season. Once you get blown out by UConn, people forget all about your big win over Akron. Anyway, take UMass to cover because, as many are saying, Army is fucking awful.

Purdue at Northwestern                    12:00pm                       BTN

As today’s contemporary children are quite fond of saying, it’s gonna be a no from me, dawg.

Texas Tech at West Virginia              12:00pm                      ESPN2

Long gone are the days of Holgo and... the guy that coaches the Cardinals now. They both used shitty seasons to get better money this year. So now Texas Tech vs. West Virginia is just bland gruel hardly fit for a shithead on his couch.

Maryland at 1 Ohio State                   12:00pm                       FOX

We’re into the BCS rankings part of the season so now Ohio State is ranked #1, which I mostly agree with. I still hope they lose way more often than not but I’m sort of ambivalent here. Last year Maryland fucked up and blew a great chance to upset Ohio State and I watched it with friends who are not football degenerates a day or two after our friend’s funeral. On that note, Ohio State -44 is a strong recommend.

Florida State at Boston College        12:00pm                      ACCN

A week ago I would not have guessed FSU could fuck themselves so thoroughly against Miami that they’d be playing with an interim head coach this week. The rumor mill for the permanent hire in Tallahassee is hilarious: Nick Saban, Urban Meyer, Bob Stoops, Jim Leavitt and Deion Sanders. The nicest thing I saw about Deion’s resume was that he was the OC for a high school in Texas a few years ago. I don’t think that was his sham unaccredited school. That school was in Florida, wasn’t it? That’s quite the resume to put up against the other four. Coach Deion is a dream we can all have.

East Carolina at 25 SMU                     12:00pm                     ESPNU

Condolences to SMU as Memphis didn’t continually shoot themselves in the dick like they normally do in high profile games. This should be a good bounceback game but the action on the line (moving 3 points towards ECU) tells me people didn’t really think that much of SMU in the first place.

12 Baylor at TCU                                  12:00pm                        FS1

I honestly don’t have any sort of read on whether Baylor’s 8-0 record is because they’re back to being good or if they’ve just feasted on mostly shitty teams. Which I guess is all they ever did under Briles, anyway. Well, TCU sucks this year so I’m not really excited to check in on this one unless there’s an exciting finish like TCU is driving with under a minute to score their 10th TD of the day before time expires to seal the shutout.

Georgia Tech at Virginia                       12:30pm                       RSN

For as long as I live, I will only ever think of the 1990 game between these two whenever they match up.

Air Force at New Mexico                    Postponed

This game is postponed due to the death of UNM defensive end, Nahje Flowers. R.I.P.

UTSA at Old Dominion                          2:00pm                        ESPN3

South Alabama at Texas State              3:00pm                        ESPN3

Charlotte at UTEP                                   3:00pm                       ESPN+

Stanford at Colorado                              3:00pm                     Pac-12N

19 Wake Forest at Virginia Tech            3:30pm                       ACCN

If VPISU hadn’t fucked it at the end against Notre Dame last week they’d probably be ranked ahead of Wake Forest. After Wake Forest loses this week, the boys from VPI might actually jump over them, anyway.

USC at Arizona State                               3:30pm                        ABC

Now this is more like it! I don’t mean this game is interesting for watchin’ ‘em up or gambling, but the part where both teams are unranked and struggling. USC just hired a new AD from Cincinnati and he... knows Urban Meyer? Or the draw of being from UC will be just too much for Urban to resist? Or Urban picked the guy himself as a condition of considering coaching in the Coliseum? Still seems less than done to me but I’m still holding out hope that Urban Meyer never coaches again and his family leaves him.

Louisville at Miami (FL)                            3:30pm                      ESPN2

Still fading The U for now. The 9 sacks and the easy win over FSU were nice but FSU hasn’t had a good offensive line since Jameis Winston won the Heisman and things are in a bit of disarray there. Louisville is a better team than most people realize and they’ll run straight at Miami instead of whatever the FSU gameplan was last week. Things may have turned a corner in Coral Gables but I’m inclined to believe the biggest leap they made last week was beating up on a familiar foe who is very down in the dumps and ready to quit at a moment’s notice.

UAB at Southern Miss                               3:30pm                       NFLN

UAB failed us big time last week and now they’re a road underdog. I didn’t realize the Favres had crawled back to being decent. I don’t have a take on the line but this is probably the best game that’s been stuck on NFL Network so far this year.

Georgia Southern at Troy                          3:30pm                      ESPN+

Each year I struggle to remember which one is Georgia Southern and which one is Georgia State and each year I fail to attempt to fix that.

UConn at 20 Cincinnati                              3:30pm                    CBSSN

UC on UC - it’s gonna be a bloodbath! The Ohesians are only favored by 34 against the sad huskies. That seems like a slap in the face to any reasonably well prepared football program, let alone a top 25 one.

Illinois at Michigan State                            3:30pm                       FS1

Illinois is a half game up on Sparty right now and rumors are flying that D’antonio is gonna retire after the season. Now, let’s go kill Tom Izzo. Michigan State is favored by 14.5 in this game and, seriously, can they even score that much in one game? Take the Illini and know that you’re on the side of good even if your bets don’t come through.

2 LSU at 3 Alabama                                     3:30pm                     CBS

Weeks of press for this GAME OF THE CENTURY OF THIS YEAR THIS WEEK and then the BCS poll comes out and it isn’t even a real 1 v. 2 matchup. That’s funny. I keep waiting for something to go wildly wrong with LSU but also feel like Bama being favored by a touchdown seems off, especially if Tua is at less than full operational capacity.

16 Kansas State at Texas                            3:30pm                   ESPN

I’ve thought Texas was overrated all year and look at them now. Favored by 7 at home against a better team. Even unrated Texas is somehow still overrated.

18 Iowa at 13 Wisconsin                              4:00pm                    FOX

This has all the makings of a great all-time eyerake. Wisconsin -9 seems absolutely insane but so does Wisconsin #13.

New Mexico State at Mississippi                4:00pm                   SECN

A classic rivalry game.

North Texas at Louisiana Tech                    4:00pm              Facebook

A spirited game between the 096ers and the Karl Malone Got His 13-Year Old Cousin Pregnant While He Was In School Heres always gets the blood pumping.

Georgia State at ULM                                    5:00pm               ESPN+

ESPN+ games don’t count as watch ‘em ups. Does anybody in the comments actually pay for this shit? It seems insane. $8/month for access to 30 For 30 that you effectively already have and the + is the absolute worst filth college sports can throw at you.

FIU at Florida Atlantic                                   6:00pm              Stadium

Really have no idea what to tell you. I think I understand both of these teams and then I’m proven wrong week after week. I’m rooting for FIU if that helps.

Appalachian State at South Carolina           7:00pm             ESPN2

South Carolina is favored by 5.5. That’s more than the homefield bump. Does App State run the same offense as Georgia where the QB isn’t allowed to throw past the line of scrimmage and running backs are encouraged to run straight into the backs of their offensive linemen?

Missouri at 6 Georgia                                     7:00pm              ESPN

Hey, speaking of Georgia! They don’t get nearly enough credit for being the worst team in America to watch for entertainment purposes. It’s like Kirby Smart is trying to take all of the late career criticism that Mark Richt faced at UGA and The U and reach the same end point by the time he’s coached four season in Athens.

Utah State at Fresno State                             7:00pm            CBSSN

Jordan Love. I just don’t know. He’s like a more careless version of Josh Allen. Is somebody really going to draft that in the first round? He has a year of eligibility left. I don’t know if he’s due to graduate in time but if he could find his way to Missouri that might really benefit both parties.

Washington State at California                       7:00pm           Pac-12N

A fine specimen of Pac-12 After Dark but only like 8% of the country can even watch it legally.

15 Notre Dame at Duke                                    7:30pm            ACCN

On a positive note, whatever happens in this game we can all laugh at the losers.

Liberty at BYU                                                   7:30pm          ESPNU

Bergie’s Watch ‘Em Of The Year!

Tennessee at Kentucky                                    7:30pm           SECN

Let’s go whiskey!

5 Clemson at NC State                                      7:30pm            ABC

Clemson is outside looking in at the CFP! Panic! They’ll be #3 next week!

Iowa State at 9 Oklahoma                                 8:00pm           FOX

In the parlance of our times, Iowa State is a messy bitch who loves drama. Will the Sooners get bailed out if things are tight at the end? Absolutely. But I would still put a dime or even a quarter on the Cyclones to keep it closer than 14.5.

Wyoming at 22 Boise State                              10:15pm          ESPN

I think if I surveyed the commenterate here they mostly hate Boise State and that tells me you’re a bunch of idiots. A nothing program rising like they did without a Phil Knight or an oil magnate backing them and they play their home games at night on blue turf? How do you joyless pricks live with your humorless brains? I fucking love MWC football and I love the blue turf. This is a great game. Long live the Potatoes.

 Nevada at San Diego State                               10:30pm         ESPN2

The real late night games are all MWC this week and that is fucking beautiful. Just look at this. SDSU was ranked last week but then we switched over to CFP rankings and those pricks couldn’t just give us one more group of five school. Nuhvaddduh is OK this year and SDSU isn’t quite rolling up the rushing yards they have for the past five years so maybe this will be entertaining even beyond the pretty laundry?

San Jose State at Hawaii                                 11:00pm    Spectrum Sports

I don’t actually know what Spectrum Sports is now that I think about it. This is, on paper, a pretty even matchup. If you want to keep yourself occupied into the early morning hours, SJSU at +7 seems a decent value in these here puffy, darkened eyes.

#saturday post #watch em up #degenerate football #football #gambling #tv #rtarl watches tv

[therealkn]

David’s Resolution - Day 4

Day 4 (January 4, 2019)

Pitch Black (2000)

“All you people are so scared of me. Most days, I take that as a compliment. But it ain’t me you got to worry about now.”

This one is admittedly a bit of a cheat, as I have actually seen this movie before. But it was a while since I last saw it, and I hadn’t seen all the Riddick movies in their entirety, so might as well put it here. And besides, it’s always interesting to see the humble beginnings of something that became much larger than people initially saw. In fact, in 2004, when the sequel The Chronicles of Riddick came out, this movie was re-released on home video as The Chronicles of Riddick: Pitch Black to remind audiences that this wasn’t the debut of one Richard B. Riddick.

The film itself is a fairly straightforward sci-fi/horror movie with a tried-and-true premise: a spaceship lands on an alien planet, where a dangerous predatory lifeform is out to kill everyone until only a handful of survivors make it out alive. It’s something we’ve seen quite a few times, especially in one of my favorite horror movies, Alien, and even Alien wasn’t unique in that approach: this setup stretches as far back as the 1950s with It! The Terror from Beyond Space (a movie that quite a few feel Alien was a remake of) and Forbidden Planet. So what makes Pitch Black unique, aside from Riddick?

The story isn’t one, although that’s not a bad thing. It’s a stock premise, like I said. A spaceship lands (crash-lands, actually) on a planet, this one barren and with three suns that keep it in constant daylight. It gives us some interesting visuals to look at and that help give the movie a distinct look. A lot of the first part of the movie uses either yellow or blue lighting, which helps create an unfamiliar atmosphere for the viewer. (Funny enough, this isn’t the only film USA Films released in 2000 that featured distinctive color grading; the other one I will get to later.) But it isn’t long before the survivors realize that the planet they’re on is about to have a long eclipse, and after that the film spends the rest of the time in chiaroscuro, which adds to the creepy atmosphere by making us feel like the aliens are out there, stalking them at every step, waiting for the moment to turn one of them into a meal.

And then there’s the characters. We’ll get to Riddick soon, promise, but there’s other people, you know. The survivors of the crash are a motley crew, including Radha Mitchell as Carolyn Fry, the only surviving crew member of the ship, who has some guilt over the casualties from the landing; a Muslim known as Imam, played by Keith David (known hero of this earth, protector of this realm, long may he reign); a settler played by Claudia Black (who sadly does not get a whole lot to do in this film; that’s okay, we still have Farscape and Stargate and Dragon Age), a kid named Jack, who looks up to Riddick and even shaves their head like his and wears goggles like him; an antiques dealer who also has a lot of booze; and Johns, the man who wants to bring Riddick in and who has an unsavory thing or two about him. (Also, for Power Rangers fans, one of Imam’s kids - the first one to die, in a fairly gruesome fashion - would later play the Red Ranger in Power Rangers Mystic Force. I don’t have anything to add to that, I just like pointing this stuff out.)

The character interactions aren’t bad and they do a decent job of setting them up so we feel some sympathy when they die in gruesome fashion. This is a horror movie with alien monsters, so people are gonna die. It isn’t a spoiler to say that only three people survive - Riddick, Imam, and Jack, whose gender is a twist in this movie but not anymore in the sequel - because those are established in The Chronicles of Riddick. My personal rule is that if a sequel follows on what was a twist in its predecessor, it’s not a twist anymore and can’t be treated like a twist anymore. So yeah, Jack’s a girl and everyone but those three die. That and the direct-to-video animated movie Dark Fury follows up directly after this movie. So if anyone starts getting angry that this has been spoiled, yeah.

On the note of characters, let’s talk about the “unrated director’s cut” home video release. I will say that the term is a bit misleading. Calling it an “unrated cut” suggests that this version of the film contains stuff that was cut to satisfy the MPAA and get the film whatever rating it got for its theatrical release (R-rated, in this case), and that said content will contain some combination of violence, gore, sex, and bad language that had to be removed so the MPAA would be happy. It is also called a “director’s cut”, a version of a film that better represents the director’s intended vision of the film. But “unrated”? ...Why? Why does it have to be unrated? The “unrated director’s cut” is about six and a half minutes longer than the theatrical cut, and all of the additional stuff is just character interactions that were cut not for MPAA rating reasons, but for pacing reasons since they slow the pace a little. The most interesting addition involves the character Johns, as it expands a bit on his character and makes him slightly more sympathetic. I say “slightly” cause he’s still an asshole.

And there’s the creatures as well. The creatures are pretty cool-looking. It’s like a mad scientist created a new being by splicing together elements of a hammerhead shark and a bat and a velociraptor, and then decided it needed claws like Baraka from Mortal Kombat. The creatures only go into dark areas as the light literally burns them, so an eclipse happening means that it’s madness out there unless one has light to keep themselves alive, something that gets harder and harder for our survivors as the film progresses. They’re blind so they use echolocation to see, which gives another unique visual by portraying their sight as a weird black-and-white mesh. It’s kinda weird in that “early 2000s special effects” sense, and yet it works.

And then, we have Richard B. Riddick. After all, this movie spawned a franchise centered around the beautiful bald SOB, so let’s talk about him. For myself and I think for many, this is the role that defines Vin Diesel’s career. He’d already had some success with a supporting role in Steven Spielberg’s Saving Private Ryan (fun fact: Spielberg wrote that role specifically for Diesel after seeing Diesel’s performance in his first feature film, Strays, which he also wrote and directed), and then the year before he voiced the titular Iron Giant in Brad Bird’s 1999 animated film, which of course has gone on to become a modern animated classic. (And I will watch that film for the resolution since I’ve only seen part of it.) And a year after this, Vin would star in The Fast and the Furious, which was a big box-office success and spawned a successful franchise that’s still going strong to this day.

Okay, now let’s talk about Riddick. Riddick is honestly the most fleshed-out and interesting character in the film, and it makes sense why Vin, writer/director David Twohy, and the higher-ups at Universal saw potential in telling more stories about the character. He’s described as evil on several occasions, not only by characters like Johns in this film or Aereon in The Chronicles of Riddick, but even the poster for the film has the tagline “Fight evil with evil”. Yet throughout the whole franchise, it’s hard to say that Riddick’s actually evil. He’s more Chaotic Neutral, really. He's more like an animal who does whatever he can to survive, but that doesn’t mean he’s a backstabbing shitheel who’ll betray you in a heartbeat. (True Neutrals, on the other hand...) He seems more amoral if anything; near the end of the movie, he seems intrigued by Fry’s willingness to die for the sake of saving everyone while he was willing to let them die so he could escape, which may begin something like a redemption in that he seems to better understand the value of protecting lives, or at least can understand the motivation of selflessness.

But throughout the franchise, he basically only kills in self-defense, never for pleasure or for the hell of it. Hell, most who say he’s evil are actually worse than him, like Johns, so who knows; he may just be someone with a bad rep. My view of him could be summarized in a modified quote from Deadpool: he’s a bad guy who just happens to fuck up worse guys. But even then, he’s not really that bad. Yes, he’s an escaped convict who’s managed to escape even the most secure triple-max security prisons, and he’s an admitted murderer, but bad? The worst thing he does in the franchise is near the end of this film, where, like I said, he basically abandons everyone so he can save himself. But even then, you could argue that it’s not so much being an asshole as it is that it’s unlikely they’ll all survive. But hey, he does come back to save them, so yaaaaaay.

Also, he has the ability to see in the dark because he got a guy in prison to do an operation on his eyes that give him enhanced night vision, but at the cost of being more sensitive to bright lights, which is why he wears welding goggles all the time. The sensitivity thing gets toned down a bit as the franchise goes on, and they later retcon his acquisition as a supernatural ability.

I do recommend this movie. As it is, it’s a solid sci-fi/horror movie that, even with its kinda wonky early-2000s CGI, has good atmosphere and a very compelling character in Riddick. Plus, hey, Vin Diesel is always a win.

...Actually, anyone else think CinemaWins should do the Riddick movies?

Next time: The closest we’ll probably ever get to a Warhammer 40,000 movie.

#David's resolution #Pitch Black