#also cw for canon-typical levels of self-hating thoughts from Arkady :(

[cindereleanor]

Ace Podcast Week Day 1 - Realisation/Acceptance

When I was trying to come up with ideas for anything I could make for this fan event, I really wanted to delve into Arkady's (from The Strange Case of Starship Iris) grey-asexuality. I have So Much to say about this character, and honestly am not sure how to go about expressing it all. I'm afraid I haven't had the time to properly write anything, so for today, here are just some (messy) fragments of a character study (like literally, this is really the brainstorming stage😅) exploring Arkady’s relationship with her asexuality, and her sharing that part of herself with Violet:

Shit. Here she was, lying with this beautiful, smart, and oh so kind woman – in every way a better person than she could have ever dared hope of being with – falling asleep in her arms. A moment too good to be true. Of course she was going to have to go and mess this all up horribly. * * * Arkady let out a bitter laugh. She was good with computers, she should be able to think logically. And hell, the logical thing to think was surely not that Violet wouldn't understand. Violet, who saw the best in people to a fault (something Arkady couldn't help but love about her). But wouldn't it be so perfectly ironic for this to be the one thing Violet couldn't accept. How cruel would it be for the universe to have worked in her favour for once, to taunt her with the chance of love, with this person who could somehow – god knows how – see past the parts of her that even she couldn’t. And then for it all to be snatched away because of something so stupid. As if her sexuality was so much harder to stomach than, well, everything else. * * * You expect her to put up with so much. You shut everyone out. You don't know how to communicate your feelings. You're a wreck. Your 'baggage' isn't a suitcase; it's the whole luggage cart. Why couldn't you just make one part of this easy? * * * Violet squeezed her hand, 'We don't ever have to do anything you don't want to, you know that right?' 'I was a soldier, Liu, you don't need to treat me with kid gloves. I know take care of myself,' 'But will you, Arkady?' * * * Arkady and Violet sat enjoying a rare moment of silence. And even more rarely, Arkady was letting herself bask in that enjoyment. No worrying how long this would last, no beating herself up over things she couldn't control, no guilt. In that moment, things were okay. Arkady even let herself believe that one day, things would be good.

#ace podcast week #tscosi #arkady patel #vikady #cw internalised aphobia #also cw for canon-typical levels of self-hating thoughts from Arkady :( #my post #my writing #sorry feel like this one's a bit of a downer for the start of this event... #I promise if I ever actually write this fic it would have a much more upbeat tone by the end!