#also a way to distract myself god the sunday scaries I have are so bad rn this work week is going to be the worst | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

wearelondonhq · 24 days

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TWILIGHT SAGA SENTENCE STARTERS. feel free to change pronouns / change the sentence(s) to your liking.

Happy Meme Day!!! If you want to take part all you have to do is reblog this post. Remember if you reblog to send them out to EVERYONE who also does. Meme lasts from today until the next Sunday (the 26th of May).

❛ i’ve got it, i’ve got it! i’m all right! ❜

❛ you fell down two flights of stairs. you went through a window. ❜

❛ i’ll do whatever it takes to make you safe again. ❜

❛ you’re in here because of me. ❜

❛ ( name ), calm down, everything’s alright. ❜

❛ you just can’t say stuff like that to me. ever. ❜

❛ rip him apart and burn the pieces. ❜

❛ where else am i gonna go? ❜

❛ where should i meet you? ❜

❛ i put a new can of pepper spray in your bag. ❜

❛ i’d never given much thought to how i’d die. ❜

❛ c’mon, we gotta talk boys! are you being safe? ❜

❛ dying in the place of someone i love seems like a good way to go. ❜

❛ i have to go home now. you have to take me home. ❜

❛ you were a stubborn child, weren’t you? ❜

❛ when everything’s done, i’m going to come back and get you. ❜

❛ leave me alone! it’s over! get out! ❜

❛ that’s gonna be a home run, right? ❜

❛ i’m gonna make it go away. i’ll make it go away. ❜

❛ what am i gonna say to him? ❜

❛ death is peaceful. easy. life is harder. ❜

❛ i just want to try one thing. stay really still. ❜

❛ i can’t hurt him. ❜

❛ ( name ), you are my life now. ❜

❛ this isn’t real. this kind of stuff doesn’t exist. ❜

❛ we can do more stuff together. ❜

❛ you’re not gonna drive home right now. ❜

❛ ( name ), c’mon. i just— i just got you back. ❜

❛ why don’t you lemme drive? ❜

❛ if i don’t leave now then i’m just gonna be stuck here like _. ❜

❛ what if he kills one of us first? ❜

❛ babe, c’mon, it’s just a game. ❜

❛ is it enough just to have a long and happy life with me? ❜

❛ i’ll keep her safe, ( name ). ❜ ❛ you’re ready right now? ❜

❛ i/we won’t be bothering you anymore. ❜

❛ i dream about being with you forever. ❜

❛ if anything happens, i swear to god. ❜ ❛

❝ I decided as long as I'm going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly. ❞

❝ I said it would be better if we weren’t friends, not that I didn’t want to be.❞

❝ What if I'm the bad guy/girl/person? ❞

❝ Do I dazzle you? ❞

❝ The right thing isn't always real obvious. ❞

❝ You’re still waiting for the running and the screaming, aren’t you? ❞

❝ I am not really breaking any rules. ❞

❝ You think I regret saving your life? ❞

❝ I always say too much when I'm talking to you. That's one of the problems. ❞

❝ I know love and lust don't always keep the same company. ❞

❝ Do you like scary stories? ❞

❝ No matter how perfect the day is, it always has to end. ❞

❝ I miss you. ❞

❝ Distract me, please. ❞

❝ You really should stay away from me. ❞

❝ It's too easy to be myself with you. ❞

❝ It's not the end. It's the beginning. ❞

❝ Your hair looks like a haystack, but I like it. ❞

❝ I'd rather know what you're thinking - even if what you're thinking is insane. ❞

❝ Can't you just thank me and get over it? ❞

❝ You've got a bit of a temper, don't you? ❞

❝ I don’t like to lie – so there’d better be a good reason why I’m doing it. ❞

❝ Without the dark, we'd never see the stars. ❞

❝ I hate you for making me want you so much. ❞

❝ Immortality must grant endless patience. ❞

❝ I'd rather die than stay away from you. ❞

❝ I love you. It's a poor excuse for what I'm doing, but it's still true. ❞

❝ I wished there was some way to explain how very uninterested I was in a normal human life. ❞

❝ I'm feeling extremely insignificant! ❞

BONUS! UNDER THE CUT, FIND A FEW MORE FROM NEW MOON AND ECLIPSE:

"what part of 'mortal enemies' is too complicated for you to—"

"i don't think you should dump all your other friends for your boyfriend."

"sure, sure. i'll stop by your crypt after school."

"do you really think hurting her is better than protecting her?"

"i thought it would be something faintly realistic."

"look after my heart — i've left it with you."

"if i get hurt, it was because i tripped."

"i'm not going to hide out in the forest while you all take risks for me."

"let's get this stupid party over with."

"i am not really breaking any rules."

"i wondered why i was being so formal. must be the nerves."

"how can we be friends, when we love each other like this?"

“you try very hard to make up for something that was never your fault.”

“you didn’t choose this kind of life, and yet you have to work so hard to be good.”

“you’re the very best part of my life.”

“it was exactly what was to be expected.”

“i’d rather deal with real zombies than watch a romance.”

“can i help you with something? you look lost.”

“your friends are a lot more interesting than mine.”

“five foot four is perfectly average.”

“you’re like a little doll.”

“do i look like i tripped in your garage and hit my head on a hammer?”

“you can be so out of it sometimes.”

“i’m in the mood for action. bring on the blood and guts!”

#meme day

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tellthemeerkatsitsfine · 4 months

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Trigger warning for a bunch of shit and I am genuinely sorry that I can't parse out what, if in doubt just probably stay away from it altogether.

I keep reading about people being glad they quit drinking because of all these negative experiences with alcohol, and I just hardly had any of those, I always had fun when I drank, and not in a wild do things I regret way, just it was nice to sit and relax and listen to music. And sometimes I’d get really emotional and sometimes that emotion would be sad or angry but usually that was stuff I was feeling anyway and couldn’t express sober so I would feel better for having got drunk and get to properly feel it.

The one thing – the one really big negative effect of alcohol that I got all the time and really wanted it to stop – was the psychological hangover the next day, where I’d spent all morning and most of the afternoon being convinced that I’d been a terrible person the night before, that if I’d interacted with anyone in any way from a message to a Tumblr post or God forbid in person I’d said something horrifyingly wrong and should be ashamed of that, and I’d really really hate myself. Even if objectively all I did was sit in my room listening to music while drinking whiskey. I wanted that to stop. And I figure I have a lot of respect for sober people, I know they make better choices than I do, so maybe if I stop drinking then I can stop having the hangovers where I hate myself and also I’ll just like myself better in general for being the kind of person I respect.

But it’s been so much the opposite. I don't know how much it's from the not drinking or maybe I was just going to have a breakdown this month anyway, but my levels of hating myself have gone through the roof lately. Just yesterday I spent a Sunday convinced that everything I’ve done lately has been drastically wrong and terrible, and I didn’t even need to drink to make it happen. But at least when I feel that way after drinking, I know it has a specific cause and the feeling will wear off as the hangover does. But now I just have that feeling creeping in all the time and there’s not a point where it’ll expire.

Last week at work I had a somewhat scary incident where a kid tried to hurt himself and then I came home and spent all night panicking that I’d dealt with it wrong and was going to get fired for being a terrible person. Then I went into work the next day and my supervisor told me I did a good job and it turned out it was fine. But then the next day didn’t have any particularly bad incidents at work and I still had this immediate regret for everything I did, like I’d immediately have this deep regret about it like the type I get during hangovers, but for something quite normal that I said like five minutes ago.

It’s been escalating for a few weeks, really, and then yesterday I went for brunch with my dad and came home and cried for an hour because I was convinced I’d said something terrible even though I’m pretty sure it was objectively fine. Then I tried to distract myself with Tumblr posts but immediately after became convinced that everything I’d said there was also wrong (and I’m definitely getting that feeling with this one too). And throwing myself into comedy is always my distraction but it’s creeping into that, I was reading stuff on a Taskmaster subreddit and managed to twist that into convincing myself that I was a terrible person because of the kind of comedy I like, which I’m pretty sure this morning is probably not the case but it seemed like a really significant problem yesterday.

Anyway, this escalated quite badly over a few hours and then I [don’t need to actually get into gory details here, maladaptive coping mechanisms but I didn’t drink any alcohol] spiralled really fast into feeling suicidal for the first time in just over a year, and then I get scared because my roommate’s out of town and I don’t have any other friends left to call in a situation like that (I definitely used to have friends that I’d call at a time like that and they could call me at bad times too, but lost touch with basically everyone in the last few years, I had a brief thought that I guess this is why people stay in relationships so they don’t have to be on their own at a time like that but then I realized that if I were still with my ex-girlfriend I’d have canceled on her this weekend because I didn’t feel up to the social expectations of a romantic relationship, in fact when we were together I did cancel on her for reasons like that, and that sort of thing is why it ended, so I guess being in a relationship would not help in this instance), and I was scared that I would hurt myself (more than I already had, again I will spare the details) if I was by myself, so I called a mental health line, and they said if nothing else the physical symptoms I was describing means I should probably go to a hospital, so I did that, and they did some EKGs and stuff to make sure my chest pain and dizziness and numbness was in fact just anxiety, and then they gave me a benzodiazepine and it made me feel quite high, so I guess my streak of being sober for all of 2024 so far is over. It’s been about six years, I think, since I last had anxiety so severe that I went to a hospital. But it was probably the right choice.

I was supposed to work 8-6 today but I woke up and could not get out of bed so I called in sick. Which I am also freaking out about, because that’s exactly what I was afraid would happen when I started working fulltime in person, that I won’t be able to handle it. And you get a certain number of days when this can happen and you can call in and it’s okay, but past that point you can’t keep your job and pay rent anymore. And historically, there have been times when I get like this and its lasts more than one day.

I said I was going to not drink in January because I was trying to use the trick I use on treadmills. I run at a pace where I know I can go about 22 minutes before completely burning out. But that’s a fast enough pace so I’m already really tired by about 4 minutes, and if I’m 4 minutes into a run and tell myself I still have to get to 22, I’ll get overwhelmed about how that’s impossible, I’ll panic about being given an impossible task, my body will dump a bunch of adrenaline from anxiety and then I actually won’t be able to run for as long. So I tell myself that it’s okay if just this once, I stop by 10 minutes, if I really can’t go on. Then I get to 9 minutes and realize I can keep going for a bit, so I say okay, do 13. Then I keep doing that until I eventually end up going for 22.

It was supposed to be like that. If I tell myself I’m going to completely quit drinking forever, I’ll just think that’s impossible and I won’t bother to try, I’ll just start drinking again as soon as it gets hard. So say I’ll do January, that seems possible enough to be worth pushing through the hard parts, and then once I manage that I can extend it. But honestly I underestimated how hard it would be. I figured I’m already down to only drinking twice a week, how hard can it be to go from two to zero? Really hard, turns out.

Because the thing is that you do eventually get to get off the treadmill. While according to this analogy, if I do this right then I have to keep running on a treadmill forever. Alcohol is the only break I get from living in my brain with all the anxiety and regret and hating myself and thinking everything I’ve ever done is wrong, and if I quit drinking then I’m asking myself to go for the entire rest of my life without a break from that, and what happened yesterday is that kind of hit me and made me think in that case I’d really like the rest of my life to not last for all that long. I used to motivate myself to get through stressful days at work by saying I can sit down with whiskey on the weekend and have a break. But now the weekends are also just exercises in trying not to drink, and the next thing in my life that I’m actually looking forward to is a trip to the UK but it doesn’t feel like enough to get me through months with no break.

I was genuinely convinced yesterday that the type of comedy I like makes me a terrible person. I read some stuff about people who don’t like the same thing I do and I spiralled into the worst explanation for that and I started to panic about every single post I’ve ever made on this blog. That’s the kind of thought I might have the morning after drinking a bunch of alcohol but I’d also be able to slightly step out of it, remind myself that this is an artificial feeling caused by a hangover, and wait for it to go away. I think that’s the biggest part of abstaining from drinking that I didn’t see coming. Didn’t expect that to drastically escalate. No idea why that happened.

It's possible that I underestimated how bad an addiction can still be even if you only do something twice a week, and I shouldn’t have tried to just stop it all at once with no plan or support for it (although it’s not completely true that I have no support, I genuinely think I’d have started drinking again by now if I didn’t have this Tumblr blog to write in and have a bit of an outlet, which is why I’m writing this now even though I already know as soon as I post it I’m going to become convinced that I shouldn’t have put this out there and I’ll regret this too). But I don’t really know what else I’m supposed to do, I don’t have any better ideas.

I keep having dreams where I’m drinking, and they’re just like the dreams I used to have when I was a competitive athlete and cutting weight. We used to have to do all these drastic things in the week before big tournaments to get into a weight class, that involved eating very little for ages and then for the last couple of days not eating or drinking anything and sitting saunas and running in sweaters to lose water. And I would always have these recurring nightmares where I’d eat a bunch of food, then immediately remember that I was supposed to be cutting weight, and panic and realize I’d ruined it all in a few moments and then try to throw it up. Though in the last couple of days I’d be so thirsty that I wouldn’t even feel hungry anymore, I used to say that I haven’t eaten in 2 days but if you offered me bread I wouldn’t take it because it would just make me thirstier and that’s all I can think about, and then I’d have dreams where I’d jump into a pool and drink all the water, and then I’d remember that I wasn’t supposed to do that, and freak out about it.

I haven’t had dreams like that in years, but I’ve had a bunch of them this month, where I drink some whiskey and it feels really good in the moment, and then I immediately remember that I’ve set a rule against that and now I’ve broken it and I’ve ruined everything and there’s no changing it because I can’t un-drink that and I wake up freaking out. I haven’t had dreams like that for years because I haven’t competed for years, so it feels scary to bring that back too. Cutting weight used to be horrible, not just in the last few days when I was doing something drastic, but even in the weeks before when all I did was restrict my food. As soon as I told myself I couldn’t have something, all I’d be able to think about was wanting to eat a Subway sandwich or something, just because I couldn’t do it. I sort of feel like I’ve also set myself up to spend the rest of my life feeling the way I used to when I cut weight, having to make a conscious effort to avoid having something I really want, but this time there’s no point where we get to weigh in and then immediately drink 2 litres of Powerade. It’s just my whole life. I don’t want it to last that long if it’ll all feel like that.

I know, by the way, that all of this is not a sign I should start drinking again, it’s a sign that I had a bigger problem than I thought and I should definitely not be drinking. I do know that. I’d just like to be clear that I do know that. This blog is for posting whatever irrational shit I’m thinking, feeling a bit better and less scared now that I know that’s out there and I’m not trying to do it completely alone, and then later regretting ever putting anything on the internet or indeed saying anything to anyone, but still, it helps in the moment. Anyway, the point is that I know none of these feelings are good or correct or rational. I’m just trying to untangle how I spiralled so fast yesterday. Though a fair bit of it was also just being convinced that everything I’ve ever said is incorrect and makes me a terrible person. Which used to only happen when I drank but now apparently just happens all the time forever. That is also the sort of thing that makes me not want forever to be that long.

I’m pretty sure my perspective on everything is wildly skewed and I haven't been right about anything since about 2018. I definitely used to do things and not immediately regret them. I do have a bit of an excuse for how incoherent this specific post is, which is I think the pill I got at the hospital last night is having some lingering effects. And I’m not an idiot, I did rip up the prescription they gave me for more of those to take as needed if this happens again, I am not going to add a benzodiazepine addition to my life right now.

Also I feel weirdly self-conscious about the fact that I now actually sort of know a couple of the people who read this blog, so it's not just shouting anonymously into the void, sorry to those people for being weirdly more personal than you'd normally be with people you actually interact with personally, I don't have the clearest view at the moment of what's appropriate to say to anyone.

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anotherwellkeptsecret · 5 years

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Alrighty. Time to type up my surgery and recovery experience.

When I got my pacemaker two years ago, I spent a year (almost exactly) drawing a comic called Change of Pace, which helped me kinda process what happened to me. You can read the comic here if you’re interested. It’s largely all true, aside from the love story part. Tsk.

I don’t think I’m going to be drawing out this experience. It was completely different. I’ve been expecting a surgery of this nature since I was nineteen, when I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease. So, in a way, this stint in the hospital was harder, more personal. The pacemaker was an emergency. The colon resection was some time coming. Not as much trauma, really. Not as much confusion about what was happening and why. But I still feel like telling the story, purging it from my mind.

I was scheduled for surgery on Monday, the 18th of November. I took off work that Friday so I could have my pre-op bloodwork done and I also took off Sunday so I could start the colon prep. If you don’t know what a colon prep is, God bless you. You basically drink a crap ton (lol) of laxative and spend all night pooping until you poop clear. The easiest version is the Miralax version. If you have to have a colonoscopy, ask for the Miralax. I promise, you don’t want the Go-Lightly.

The day before prep, my friend took me climbing in Memphis to keep my mind off of things. We also went to IKEA. It was helpfully distracting. I had Swedish meatballs.

I was meant to “technically” start the prep at midnight Saturday by not eating anything until surgery on Monday. Beginning to drink the Miralax sometime around noon on Sunday. I didn’t get that far.

I got righteously sick Saturday night. My back was killing me and I was very nauseous and dizzy. I knew what was going on even before I started throwing up. I had a bowel obstruction. The second one in my life. I’d had one once before in March and jeeze. It hurt like a son of a bitch. I’m not sure if every bowel obstruction feels the same way, but mine certainly did. If you find yourself having these symptoms, please go to the ER. Bowel obstructions are no joke. You can go septic, which is incredibly dangerous.

Nausea, feeling like you’re going to pass out, vomiting bile, severely upset stomach, cold sweats, and my back was aching something awful. I assume it was because my stomach was cramping so badly, my back muscles were spasming.

I live with my mother. Have done since I’ve been getting sick so regularly. I woke her up and she took me to the hospital.

The first time I had a bowel obstruction, I thought something was wrong with my heart. (The cold sweats, the nausea.) They rushed me to the back immediately. This time, I knew it was an obstruction, not my heart, and I said as much. They don’t tend to be in as much of a hurry when you don’t mention your heart. Didn’t realize that. I’m also not entirely sure they were convinced I did have a bowel obstruction. I’m sure plenty of people walk into an ER saying random stuff for random reasons, but yeah. I was very slowly processed. I remember them taking my blood pressure and because it wasn’t high at all, I imagine they thought I was full of shit. Figuratively, not literally. Because I was, literally. Whatever.

My blood pressure normally runs very low. I can also take a lot of pain, because I’m on a first name basis with pain. They didn’t take my pain seriously because my blood pressure wasn’t high, I guess. Not my fault I’m a badass.

I sat in the waiting room until I started vomiting bile again. I also pooped all over myself in the processes. Which I didn’t think you could do if you were obstructed, but you live and you learn!

That’s when they got in a hurry. I was making a huge mess.

They got me a paper gown and I cleaned myself up as best as I could before the CAT scan, which proved I was, in fact, obstructed.

So there I was, in the ER, very very early on the Sunday morning before my surgery Monday. I was admitted and my doctor contacted. Since the surgery was so close at hand, they agreed it was best to wait until the scheduled time to do the surgery. I’d stopped vomiting so there was no need for an NG tube this time. Those things suck.

Got admitted. Got a room. Tried to sleep. My surgeon came in and we talked. Got everything situated. At one point my mother told me there was a girl down the hall who’d just had a colon resection if I wanted to talk to her. She was sitting int he hallway with her sisters, eating her dinner. Poor thing had been in the hospital for almost a month.

I spoke with her a bit. I’m not entirely sure what happened. Whether it was nerves or if I was hurting, but I almost passed out in the hallway. I hadn’t experienced anything of that nature since I had my pacemaker put in. The whole point of the pacemaker was to prevent me from passing out altogether. But I didn’t pass out so...I suppose that means it’s working?

I also pooped on myself that night while I slept. First time that’d ever happened. It was then I knew that I’d literally gone as long as I could before I needed surgery. I couldn’t wait any more. I’d been so stressed out over in the idea that I maybe didn’t need the surgery. That I was being pitiful and my case wasn’t that bad. I could tough it out if I really wanted. I realized what a dumbass I was for thinking those thoughts, but hindsight is 20/20.

Monday dawned and surgery rolled around. Took forever. I was basically watching the clock tick the minutes by until transport fetched me. I was wheeled down to pre-op where they gave me a hair net. I don’t remember getting a hair net for the pacemaker surgery.

I signed some paperwork and a lady told me she was going to get me ready. She said she was going to give me a nerve block in my stomach. I was like, “Cool, right on.” Until I saw the needle.

Holy fuck. That needle.

“You’re going to give me that when I’m asleep, right?”

“I’m going to give you some ‘I don’t care’ juice.”

“Oh, thank God. I probably won’t remember this then.”

“Probably not.”

In went the ‘I don’t care’ juice. I got really dizzy.

They swabbed my belly with iodine.

They prepped the needle.

I was still very much awake.

I said, “Guys...” Because at this point there were several people standing over me. Like five. “...I’m still cognizant.”

Yeah, I used the word cognizant. That’s how fucking cognizant I was.

Not sure if they heard me. Or if they replied. I was really dizzy.

In went the needle.

And ow. OW.

In went the needle again. One stick on each side of my belly.

The ‘I don’t care’ juice must have been working in some way because while I remember the pain, I don’t remember the panic. I certainly would have panicked if I didn’t have that juice pumping through me. So that was a thing.

I fell asleep soon thereafter. Couldn’t have been like...a minute earlier? Really?

I remember waking up in recovery with the pacemaker. I remember the pressure, the nurse asking me questions. I remember being wheeled back to my room. I don’t remember jack shit about recovery after the colon resection. I don’t remember being wheeled back to my room. I apparently asked for my mom, but I don’t remember doing that either.

I do remember, however, turning over on my side. Because ouch. But I did it anyway and kept doing it because I’m a determined asshole. Monday night was very hazy. I was high as fuck, probably.

Tuesday: Not a good day. I was in a lot of pain. They gave me hydros, but the hydros weren’t touching it. Felt like I was taking Tylenol. And I have a very very VERY low tolerance for pain meds. They wouldn’t give me any morphine because my blood pressure was too low. (Again, badass?? Maybe?? IDK man my blood pressure just runs really low.) Which makes sense, because that’s dangerous, but I was in agony. I begged for morphine. I pleaded with the nurse to give me morphine. She would not.

My mother got angry. I’m not one to complain. And my threshold for pain is admittedly pretty stout. I was hurting and no one was doing anything to help. My mother got ANGRY.

I think they must’ve finally given me some morphine, but I don’t remember. Morphine also didn’t help. Didn’t even make a dent in the pain I was feeling. They kept giving me hydros every couple of hours to no avail. I remember I asked for a heating pad for my back. Barely. The nurse did give me one, but said I could only have it for an hour? Very fuzzy.

The tech forgot to...do something with my catheter because my urine got everywhere. The nurse that found me like that called the floor manager. I hated to, but I did report that my pain wasn’t kept in check. I was hurting so badly I actually reported one of the nurses. The one that wouldn’t give me morphine. I felt horrible about it, but I was also nearly in tears I hurt so bad.

Hell, the pain was so intense at one point my mother called my family. Like, they thought something was wrong. Very very wrong. The doctor called for some kind of scan while I was in bed. They put a board behind my back. I was writhing, I remember. My family gathered in the hospital to see me in case I had to go back to surgery. In case I wasn’t going to do well.

It was scary.

The next set of nurses figured out the problem when the scan revealed nothing out of the ordinary. My back was spasming. Horribly. When I sat up and they felt of me, they were shocked to find my back riddled with knots. It felt like knuckles underneath my skin. The new nurses got me some hella icy hot with pain killer and rubbed me down.

It helped tremendously. My back stopped freaking out, which gave my abdominal muscles time to rest.

At last, I wasn’t hurting. At last, I slept.

Wednesday and Thursday were spent trying to keep my back under control. At one point I vomited all over my bed due to acid reflux. I paged the nurse to ask for some acid reflux medicine and puked all over the place while I was on the call with her lol.

I never once had any issue with my incision. My entire trouble, the whole time, was from my back. And nausea. And lemme tell ya. Vomiting with a six inch incision on your abdomen? OW.

Getting up and walking? Easy enough. Getting up and going to the bathroom? No problem. Spongebath? Piece of cake. But God my back.

I managed to poop for the doctors. Fantastic.

And finally, finally, I got to have food.

I went from about 5:00PM Saturday to 12:00PM Friday without having anything to eat or drink. I had an IV, and I could eat ice chips if I desperately needed to wet my mouth, but yeah. I hardly had any ice chips. Weird to imagine you can go that long without food and be alright.

I proved I could eat GI soft food on Saturday and they let me go home.

Got my staples removed the following Tuesday. Had some steri strips applied. Just waiting for them to fall off on their own.

And here I am. Just lounging, waiting to get my strength back. It’s much easier to draw after this surgery than the pacemaker one. Thank God. I’m slow moving and my stomach hurts a bit when my contents shift, but other than that I’m doing swimmingly. I can’t lift anything over ten pounds until the new year. Not sure when I’ll be able to drive, either. I’ll find out soon.

This surgery was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Mentally and physically. Mentally because I’ve been struggling with Crohn’s since I was a teenager. I’m 32 now. Half my life I’ve been at war with my own body, drowning in the pain it leashes on itself. It’s been a long road. I hope this spells the end of it. Or at least, the rest of the journey is all downhill.

I’ve lost a lot of weight. I’m trying not to think about it too much. I’ll gain it back. Just takes time.

#personal #medical #tw pain #tw medical #recovery #crohn's disease #colon resection

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fayfya · 5 years

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From the Case Files of Ellery Conroran

Saturday, August 31st

I am being forced to move in with my Nana in Echo Ridge, Vermont thanks to my mom driving her car into a jewelry store while she was high on opioids and having to go to rehab. The town and my new school are tiny, but luckily there is a lot for a true crime aficionado like me to investigate in town. My aunt Sarah (Mom’s twin) disappeared when she and my mom we young and 5 years ago, my Nana’s neighbor teenage daughter Lacey was murdered. On top of that, Nana, her neighbor Melanie (Lacey’s mom), and my twin brother Ezra came across a dead body on the way home from the airport. Talk about a bad omen.

Here’s what I know about each case:

Lacey Kilduff, a beautiful blonde homecoming queen was found strangled in a Halloween theme park called Murderland 5 years ago. The case was never solved, though her boyfriend Declan Kelly was suspected and has since fled town. Me and Ezra want to get jobs at Murderland, now called Fright Farm, to see if we can learn more about Lacey’s murder.

My mother’s twin sister, Sarah, disappeared without a trace when she and Sadie were in high school, right after Sadie was crowned homecoming queen. No one ever talks about what happened and no one ever mentions her.

A police officer named Ryan Rodriguez came to interview our family about the body this morning. He must be new because he seemed really nervous. Nana told us later that both his parents died recently, so maybe he is just sad. I was a crap witness, but Nana remembered a lot. I guess the guy was a science teacher at the high school. Nana thinks he was out collecting hail and got hit by a car.

Monday, September 9th

So, there’s some pretty creep vandalism going around. Someone wrote “MURDERLAND THE SEQUEL COMING SOON” on the outside of the cultural center during a fundraiser before school started and now we found three dolls hanging from the top of a mausoleum with nooses around their necks, drenched in red paint, with the message “I’M BACK. PICK YOUR QUEEN, ECHO RIDGE. HAPPY HOMECOMING”. The weird thing is, Malcolm Kelly, a guy in my grade who just happens to be Declan Kelly’s brother, was the one who found both. Somehow, I believe he didn’t do it, though. It just seems too cliche for him to be a vandal.

Ezra and I have started at Fright Farms. Pretty boring stuff so far, but I hope I will learn something about what’s going on at school.

Also, I asked Nana about Sarah and she told me a couple of things! She said Sarah was smart, reading constantly, and asking questions. People thought she was quiet, but she had a sort of dry humor. She was good at math and science, she liked astronomy, and she wanted to work at NASA when she grew up. She and Sadie were thick as thieves and loved to mimic each other and fool people. Which makes it even more weird that Sadie never talks about her.

Thursday, September 19th

I got on homecoming court. I don’t know how that happened since no one here knows me well enough to nominate me and it is really freaking me out, especially with all the graffiti and stuff. The next day, my god damn locked got vandalized with a twisted doll and the message “REMEMBER MURDERLAND, PRINCESS? I DO. '' Katrin and Brooke (the other nominees) have the same on their lockers. I think this is happening because I am connected to Sarah. The school newspaper has started calling this guy the “Homecoming Stalker”.

Friday, September 27th

Everyone is on edge this week, but so far the homecoming dance is still on and we went to a pep rally at Fright Farm tonight. Nana arranged for Officer Rodriguez to give us a ride. Sadie called on the way there. We asked her about her own homecoming, but she said she didn’t really remember it and tried to change the subject. I was able to find out she went to the dance with Vance Puckett and asked about Sarah, but got no answer. She hung up right after that. I don’t think she ever got closure about Sarah’s disappearance. Unfortunately, the Homecoming Stalker struck again with more threats during the rally. I’m beginning to get used to it, really. I had a “moment” with Malcom Kelly afterwards, but it was interrupted by us hearing Brooke drunk in the next room and needing to check on her. She was acting super weird and kept talking about having to show them and what happened. Then she asked me if I had ever made a bad mistake and said she wished everything was different. Malcom took us home and was going to drop off Brooke next.

Saturday, September 28th

Officer Rodriguez came by this morning to tell us that Brooke didn’t come home last night. He wanted to make sure I was safe. Nana freaked out more than I’ve ever seen. She started going off on him about how they police was doing nothing to protect us even though threats had been made. Things are not looking good for Malcolm right now… Officer Rodriguez immediately started questioning us. This time I was good witness, remember the paperclips, the “that’s what she said” joke that Brooke made, and her weird comments. I told him about the ride home and make sure he understood it was just by chance that we came across Brooke. I did skip the part where Malcolm asked if he could call me. I have become suspicious of Malcolm, but Ezra thinks it is a distraction and Melcolm had nothing to do with it. He doesn’t read as much true crime as I do.

Malcolm came over to talk to Ezra and me. He says he dropped Brooke off at her house and saw her go inside. He says there are rumors going around that he and Brooke were hooking up, but that they aren’t true. I told him we believed him.

Monday, September 30th

The homecoming dance is still on, but has been scaled down and there won’t be a court. I am relieved. Malcolm is getting harassed at school, so that sucks. Ezra and I are just getting stared at. Everyone was suspicious of Malcolm already just because he is Declan’s brother.

Who is committing these crimes? If I’ve learned anything from true crime, when a girl goes missing it is almost always the boyfriend or husband. Declan could be guilty. I am suspicious of Vance Puckett because he was Sadie’s boyfriend and is always hanging around. I’m also not sure if the police are incompetent or covering up for someone. Rumor has it Ryan Rodriguez had a huge crush on Lacey, but she never paid attention to him. That could be motice. I’m not so sure about Officer McNulty, either.

I also found out today that Declan is dating Daisy Kwan, who was Lacey’s best friend. This makes both of them look suspicious if there was a love triangle 5 years ago.

Wednesday, October 2

Search parties all day, candle light vigils all night. The same few theories keep circulating: Brooke just ran away, she’s the victim of the Murderland killer, one of the Kelly boys did something to her.

Mom called because she heard about Brooke and the threats. I got upset that she never talked about Sarah and she told me she felt guilty because she was losing her virginity after the homecoming dance when Sarah disappeared. She feels responsible for Sarah’s disappearance because she was supposed to be with her. She said there was more she wanted to tell me, but had to go.

Tried to get some info out of Vance when he came into the park. I didn’t get much, but he did say Brooke asked him how to pick a lock.

Thursday, October 3rd

Daisy admitted that she liked Declan all through high school. She said right before she died, Lacey showed up with a bracelet that looked like 2 antler twisted together. She tried to find out more about it, but was unsuccessful. She turned the bracelet in to Officer Rodriguez. Interesting.

Friday, October 4th

Did some lock picking myself and found a car repair bill in a fake sounding name for Malcolm’s stepsister’s car. The car was brought in August 31st, the day after Mr. Bowman was killed.

Saturday, October 5th

Hanging out with Malcolm instead of going to the homecoming dance. My current theory is that Malcom’s stepsister Katrin is responsible for Brooke’s disappearance. She hit Mr. Bowman with her car, made Brooke help cover it up, started the vandalism as a distraction, and Brooke ran away because she was scared. Declan and I headed to homecoming to see if we can catch her in the act, but nothing happened.

Sunday, October 6th

There was a body found in the woods. It is Brooke.

Thursday, October 10th

Malcolm thinks it was Declan. I am starting to agree with him.

Sunday, October 13th

It’s all wrapped up and I wasn’t even close. Though I still almost died in the process. It wasn’t Katrin, it was her dad Peter. Peter caught us talking about how we suspected him. He was having an affair with BrookeHe took our phones lead us downstairs. We figured out he framed Declan for Lacey’s murder (THAT WAS HIM, TOO!) and was going to frame him for Brooke, too. He’d been having affairs with Brooke and Lacey and said they had overstepped in some way. When I asked about Sarah, Peter whispered “I thought she was your mother” in my ear. Petrifying. I will never tell anyone he said that. I was terrified and thought Malcolm and I had not way out! He left us in a room locked from the outside with a portable electric generator running. We both passed out, but Officer Rodriguez saved us! He had tracked the bracelet back to Peter. I had texted him before Peter took our phones. I didn’t answer when he called, so he came looking for me! The threats were fabricated by Viv so she could have a good story to write about and submit to colleges. They were not related after all. What a scary first 6 weeks in Echo Ridge! I’m glad the murders have been solved and Peter is in jail where he belongs.

#FAYFYA #2019YASummerShowdown #spoilers!#Two Can Keep a Secret #Karen M McManus #case file

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zpetra · 6 years

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GP Helsinki Journal - Day 4 & 5

So, I am finally getting to this as well, it has been a while now but sorting through my pictures took me longer than I wanted and life didn’t exactly stop after Helsinki XD Please excuse.

After an incredible and tiring Saturday, I woke up after a few hours of sleep. While I had a generous window between arrival at stay and leaving the next day the excitement didn’t let me sleep. I woke up at 7 a.m, got ready, grabbed some left over sandwiches for breakfast and left to the arena shortly after 8 a.m. Since the first men’s group took the ice at 9 a.m and Keiji was in the group I had to make sure I was there on time. Luckily the line (at least when I joined) in front of the Ice Hall was fairly okay. Grabbed some water once inside and took my seat, greeting all the Japanese ladies once they arrived.

DAY 4 - Sunday

Group 1 practice - Keiji Tanaka

While I am sad he was not in the top to be in Group 2, I was also happy because now I could concentrate on him, without any further distractions (Mr. Hanyu).

I really like this costume on Keiji, he looked like a fairy-tale prince and while his practice did look wobbly here and there, especially his 3A, I was worried for him but I was rooting for him because he is a good skater and deserves good scores. I filmed his run-through and took more photos of him, he is really handsome, I have to say, also the ladies next to me said the same. So there is that. XD

Group 2 - when the TCC family walks in

Nothing can describe the sound of shutters of cameras going off when Yuzuru walks in but today he did walk in with Jun and boy.... I had an existential crisis who to film or take pictures from. I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS AMOUNT OF STRESS OKAY? I was so happy when I had both of them in frame XD

It was also incredible to watch how they navigate with the coaches, rarely did you see them standing by the boards or simply replaced each other once the other left and Brian and Ghislain had their attention on the current skater, not loosing a beat. Also I saw so much respect from Jun and Yuzu towards each other, making sure both get time to consult with their coaches, give them room on the ice. It reminded me of how Javi and Yuzu used to navigate around in the past. I had feels!!

At one point during the practice Jun choked on his water or spilled it and it ran down his chin, resulting in a giggle fest in our block, while my picture is blurry I can’t forget how embarrassed he looked and quickly made a run for it, I caught a glimpse of Brian holding back his own laughter. Jun is adorable, officially obsessed with him. Not like I wasn’t slightly biased towards him before but now, I am sold. SUPPORT THE BABE HE IS GOOD AND ADORABLE TOO!

I have to admit me filming Jun run-through was a disaster... I tried to film but also watch Yuzu and I may have lost Jun a few times, I don’t dare to re-watch the footage because WOW, I failed XD but I got a few nice shots of his jumps and I was overall happy with it, he looked good with a few mistakes and some butt-slides. I have pictures of some ice flakes on his booty, which he is trying to brush off. I APOLOGIZE.

And than there is Yuzuru Hanyu. Just like the other days I was impressed, amazed and kept swooning. My view still couldn’t be quite beaten and god... I could write an essay of everything, it was overwhelming.

THE WAIST - that’s the comment, that is all I will say. It is ridiculous and every guy who sees it has to admit he looked good.

Filmed his free run-through again and it is scary how nearly identical it is to his actual program.

Watching Yuzu do his cool-down exercise is mesmerizing. Wow. I swear there is so much to see when he is on ice, he is so expressive both when he is disappointed with a jump, the ice conditions, really everything.

Men’s Free Skate Competition

Group 1

Oh boy, it was kind of heart-breaking as the guys were falling apart. Keiji fought hard but unfortunately... it didn’t look all too good for him to podium and my worry for Jun and Yuzu grew even more. Watching Keiji in the Kiss & Cry was so sad, I tried to be loud for him as much as possible because he FOUGHT. He did well!

Group 2

I never thought I would say this but it is INCREDIBLE AWKWARD TO WATCH HIS DEMONIC LIP SYNCING... Wow. I had second hand embarrassment but I am also a person who mouths along to music on public transportation so I could also relate. It was a weird feeling. Also Jun was so chill about it, he is probably over it, used to it. I was laughing so hard.

Mr. Hanyu came for murder while Jun looked like an adorable puppy and I was dying on the inside and outside.

BABY JUN DID SO WELL, HE DID SO WELL. I WAS SO PROUD OF HIM AND GIVEN HIS HIGHS SCORE I KNEW HE WOULD PODIUM; WHICH IN SO INCREDIBLE FOR SOMEONE WHO HAS BACK-TO-BACK GP ASSIGNMENTS ON DIFFERENT CONTINENTS!!! And it turned out he was having a cold and my respect and admiration flew out of the window! I regret not having had a plush for him, next time I will do better!

And soon it was going to be this guys turn... Origin hair *drools* I am sorry but living for it.

ORIGIN COSTUME IS LIFE! I swear to God, the pictures do not do it justice, they don’t but I am happy I got a fairly good costume reveal camera roll for myself - I posted it here - BLING CITY

AND THAN MR. FUCKING HANYU SLAYED US ALL. I swear I was deaf for a moment, nor did I have voice afterwards. My fitness tracker yet again thought I was running, nope I was just that excited. I broke out in a sweat and was ready to take off my jacket because that Free was....

190.43 POINTS A NEW WORLD RECORD 297.12 COMBINED TOTAL ALSO A NEW WORLD RECORD

You do witness such incredible performances any day let alone in person. I was so damn happy I was close to tears. Followed by laughter because Yuzuru shook Pooh-san so hard in the K&C I thought he would lose his head. XD

I threw my pooh and managed to fling it into the general direction of the K&C and I hope I didn’t clonk the waiting coaches, have not seen footage so I guess I did alright? XD

I was ecstatic and so was everyone around me, the arena was shaking or at least it felt like so. Yuzuru Hanyu is incredible.

I felt a bid bad for Michal for skating after him because I felt the attention was not utterly on him but hey I was so happy I screamed for him like a madman, also he was AMAZING TOO. Group 2 slayed... aside from Boyang and Kolyada, those two had a bad day :(

THE VICTORY CEREMONY WAS SO CUTE! There is so much footage out there but it was adorable. Jun and Yuzu full on hug? Axel-ing onto the podium? Podium selfie? Michal switching to Japan because he had no flag but than got one from a fan and the crowd was so happy for him! GHISLAIN DROP THE SELFIE. The fact Jun kept his SCI flag? The way Yuzu happily shook his shoulders before his name was called.

YUZURU HANYU MAKING THE SUN JEALOUS WITH HIS SMILE. FIRST TIME HE WON HIS FIRST GP ASSIGNMENT SINCE HE GOT TO SENIORS WITH 3 WR ON TOP. BOY!!!

My cheeks were hurting and just... I have to repeat but it was incredible. Truly.

I was high on adrenaline and the Gala was meant to follow.

WTF WAS THAT GALA? I WAS DYING. IT WAS SO GOOD. The performances, naked Italians, Gaming performance feat the Russian male skaters? KEIJI!

FUCKING KEIJI TURNING UP THE CHARM AND MAKING EVERYONE SWOON. I am happy he did his smirk on the other side of the Kiss & Cry because I felt it from the distance and looking at the footage, HIS SMIRK AFTER!. He knew what he was doing that little shit. If I hear that song now all I see his Keiji charming everyone. Wow.

Helsinki gala was the best I have seen this season and I am not saying it because I was there!

It all came down to Haru Yo Koi....

I am usually not an emotional person who cries but 3 tunes in and I couldn’t see shit. Even now as I am recalling, it is such an incredible program, the softness, the elegance the meaning behind it all, his soft smiles. I didn’t intend to film but ended up taking my phone out and while miss like 20 seconds from the beginning I think I did a pretty good recording of it, for myself to enjoy. I was fighting the tears and some did fall, me not being the only one. HYK is just...beauty. It’s pure beauty.

And than during the Finale...>.> He does a LGC slide in the a fairy costume, runs his hand through his hair turning up the charm like Keiji did... wow, I felt attacked. XD I guess we also can’t have now a finale where this sunshine doesn’t get lifted. BUT HE WASN’T JUST LIFTED BY ONE BUT TWO IN A FREAKING MERMAID POSITION! OMG. HE WAS LIVING THE BEST TIME OF HIS LIFE AND I WAS LIVING FOR THAT!

After the Gala I was hurrying away, somehow catching the first tram because it was late and I had to wake a few hours later to catch my plane back home. I ended up being so high on the excitement, I barely managed to catch like 2,5 hours of sleep. T.T It was worth it and I would do it again.

DAY 5 - Monday

Queue me dragging my ass out of bed after like 2,5 hours of sleep to finish packing, double checking I didn’t leave anything behind and leave to the train station. First train to the Airport leaving at 4:18am. I was so happy I ended up taking the day free because fuck I was done. Bought myself water and coffee , ignoring the horrendous price I had to pay for it... and off I went.

Security check-in was chill which I appreciated a lot, got a few souvenirs, had expensive breakfast and more coffee. Boarding started 10min before scheduled departure... guess which plane didn’t leave on time? ON ANOTHER NOTE: Nobuaki Tanaka the sport photographer who shoots at FAOI (is responsible for a gorgeous Yuzu x Javi picture) was on my plane! I tried not to stare too much LOL. Full plane, landing late somewhere in the middle of no-where. Rolling around for ages, followed by a long bus ride... train waiting time taking ages... It was like 11am I was home and I was dead. I wouldn’t have been able to go to work afterwards.

Conclusion - Final thoughts:

IT WAS THE BEST WEEKEND OF MY ENTIRE LIFE AND BARELY ANYTHING WILL BE ABLE TO TOP THIS!!!!

I knew I will have an amazing time because I will see Yuzuru in person but I didn’t expect it all go down the way it did. Meeting so many lovely fans, the Japanese ladies giving International fans so many things, me too. Practicing my Japanese and happy it is actually any good. Watching Yuzu win his first GP assignment in a season, let alone 2 WR winning programs. Finding so many new amazing skaters I like now and want to support. It was truly amazing. Wort every single penny, lack of sleep, overflow of emotions. Best time.

Thank you to those who made it special, the members of our fangroup and people I have met in general. They all added to the experience. I know for sure that I will try to go to more events next season.

I guess all there is left to say... Until Europeans 2019 in Minsk. If anyone is going let me know! I am going to support Javi for his very last competition.

#gp helsinki 2018 #𝓅: your thoughts are your reality #yuzuru hanyu #junhwan cha #keiji tanaka

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elizabethcariasa · 4 years

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Failed Frozen Embryo Transfer #3 – Failed IVF

As I type, the words are blurry from the tears. My heart is broken. And it’s in moments like these that hope seems impossible. The waves of grief, loss, and utter despair hit like a Mac truck. I am not ok. I feel like I am living the worst kind of ground hogs day since we just recently shared our last failed embryo transfer. On August 20th, I had my second frozen embryo transfer and 11 days later we found out that it failed.

I never fully understood the pain of those trying for their second child. I always thought how the pain must have been 10x harder for those without having any children. But the chill reality for myself is having a sweet taste of motherhood and knowing that in every fiber of my body that is the role I was meant to have. And the utter heartbreak of knowing that joy and love and not being able to give it to more than one child. It’s something I have thought about a lot and something I now deeply understand. As I sit in this numb fog, the irony is that my butt is literally still numb from the progesterone injections and I still have permanent marker circles drawn on my butt cheeks from where I would have continued my shots if I had gotten pregnant. It all stings. Literally and figuratively.

Why I am deciding to share this so soon after our failed transfer is that I can’t just pretend things are normal because they aren’t. So much is going on in the world that I care so passionately about, but I have been secretly struggling through our fertility as the world simultaneously is hurting and the pressures of having a platform and showing up for others can feel daunting when your own life is consumed with its own fight. I just want to say, to always be kind to others because you NEVER know the struggles they are fighting in their lives. Especially in this Covid world where many people have lost their jobs, lost loved ones, and so many other pieces of life can be turned upside down. That being said, I try to carry on and move forward because it is what needs to happen in life. But now you know what has and is going on in the background.

I have preached so many times about hope, and strength and courage, and I don’t want this first piece of this story to throw you off. While I sit in a deep dark cave, even if I don’t see the light, I know it’s there. I have had that hope in the past and while it might be wavering now, I know it’s there. So let me explain what happened this cycle.

Frozen Embryo Prep

This being the 3rd time we prepped for Frozen Embryo Transfer in the last 5 months… you could say we were already running in the swing of things at the start of this one. This one also seemed to fly by. Each week, each new medication, the process just seemed faster likely because I was going through the motions, and getting things done and in such a rhythm from the past cycles. Everything went smoothly with medications for the most part. The only different thing this time was that the progesterone in oil shots (aka the butt shots) started to hurt way sooner this time around. I think because I still had scar tissue from the last round of FET, the discomfort from the injections started almost instantly. Insult to injury am I right?? Also the injection area became numb because of the nerves in the area so that was freaky and not fun at all either. And to be clear, the actual injections are not bad at all in my opinion. I guess that is also coming from someone that now has an intimate relationship with shots so don’t quote me on anything. It’s not the needle that hurts, the aftermath of the progesterone lumps in my butt that hurt and sting. I do the whole massage thing, have used heat, but none of it really helps. You just grit down and get through it. I just think of each shot getting me closer to the baby. For the most part though, it was a swift and smooth process to get ready for transfer day. I was at my last appointment getting ready, when I double checked to be sure that Blake could come with me this time. We had planned to have Otis spend the night at my sisters so that Blake could take me and it could be a more loving experience for me since last time we checked, partners were allowed to join for the procedure. Unfortunately, I got the news that because of the recent covid spike in Southern California, partners were no longer allowed to come for procedures. My heart sank. It’s so hard not to get frustrated in these moments because infertility in the time of covid makes you walk more alone than you would normally. But, protocol is protocol and it was not something to be obsessed and linger on. But it was part of my plan that was now shifted. But, like anything else, you need to just readjust and keep moving forward. That all being said, if you are going through infertility for your first time during covid-19 having to go to appointments alone, procedures alone, my heart just reaches out to yours because I know how scary it can be at first to navigate. Just know your army of women are here. And we are all marching into those appointments with courage.

Transfer Day

Blake and Otis drove me to my procedure on embryo transfer day. 30 minutes prior to my appointment per usual and I gave them both a kiss, popped my valium and headed upstairs. Before you go back to the room, you need to fill out a ton of paperwork verifying your info etc and as I was filling out my sheets, I came across someone else’s sheet mixed in with my forms. THANK GOD I had taken the valium already or I might have had a full blown meltdown. I went back to the front desk and I think the woman felt HORRIBLE for mixing up a paper. When I dropped my papers off to her I said, “ I don’t have to worry about getting my own embryo right?!” Kind of half joking… but also, dead serious. It is in moments like this you really just need to step back and think that nothing in life is perfect and mistakes happen and not to let it ruin the vibe of transfer day. I WAS ZEN and nothing was going to change that.

I then went to my procedure room and met with the embryologist who went through all my information and that instantly calmed my nerves. Then my doctor came in to review everything and we were ready to get the show on the road! They always take a photo of my embryo for me before we start which is so special. My little baby, sitting in its little embryo station. SCIENCE IS BEAUTIFUL. Even though last transfer I videoed Blake and it was chaotic, I decided to video him in again as just a bit of support. It did feel good to have him there somehow. He put himself on mute so he could hear (maybe?) what was going on. My doctor first takes a quick measurement of my lining to make sure everything is looking good and it was a little bit lower than expected. It was more like 7.6 or 7.8 overall which we normally aim for 8 but she said she saw a thicker portion in a certain spot she would aim for. Not something you love to hear before shoveling your embryo in… but not every cycle is the same and if the doctor was happy, I was happy. A few minutes later and our beautiful little embryo was happily inside my uterus. I laid down for 20-30 minutes after and listened to some of my favorite chill tunes until it was time to get up and go. This was it. And now that wait continued.

2 Week Wait

During our two week wait, 2WW, we had A LOT going on. My transfer was on a Thursday and I was on bedrest from Thursday through all day Saturday. I called it my “momcation” lol. Blake took time off from work and was on Otis duty 24/7. I stayed in bed for everything except a potty run or getting my injections. I watched a ton of movies but the first one I always watch when I get home is Father of the Bride Part 2. LOVE THAT MOVIE and it always gives me those good feeling vibes. This time, I made sure to plan all our meals ahead of time so I was enjoying all my favorite things. I always cut all caffeine as recommended by my doctor so I sip my hot water with lemon with all my meals. I facetimed Otis for all my meals which made me feel like part of the family and so sweet to see his little face. I have some of the sweetest photos of him laughing and eating pasta with me on facetime. Every night Blake would bring him in after his bath to give me a kiss and try to have a little snuggle while Blake watched him to make sure he wouldn’t jump on me or anything. Hard with an active toddler but at night, he loves those milk and movie snuggles so glad I could get some mini snuggle time with him. Toward Saturday, being in bed starts to get boring even for a mom that REALLY needed some time to rest. By Sunday I was slowly getting back into the swing of things and suddenly in full party prep mode for Otis!

So Sunday I was off bedrest and his birthday was on Tuesday. Blake was able to take off work on Monday and Tuesday so he could help prepare for Otis’ birthday. This was so helpful and amazing because now, I couldn’t’ lift Otis at all, so he was able to really help out more so with him as I eased back into my normal routines. Even though party planning has its own stress involved, it was EPIC to have something to focus my attention on during the TTW. And even luckier that we also planned a drive by birthday for Otis’ friends to come on Saturday so we had a lot to work on and distract us during the week.

On the eve of my blood work, A peaceful calm fell over me. Maybe I was still smiling from celebrating Otis and his birthday. Maybe it was because I was scrolling through photos of him dancing but I just couldn’t help smiling. How lucky was I??? A mom of a 2 year old person that continues to bring me so much joy every day. This is the hope you hold out for. This is what every injection is meant for. This is why time after time you pick yourself up and get back up. And that day, my heart smiled. Knowing that I had that chance to find out I was pregnant the next day. This was going to be my chance where I got lucky to do this again.

Bloodwork Day

I woke up feeling so good. Calm. Relaxed. It was shocking. My plan was to wake up, pee in a cup, and have Blake do a HPT (home pregnancy test) when I left the house for my blood work. My mindset here is that I never want to get a blind call from the doctor with negative news and I DON’T want to know before I have to go see people in a doctors office so always leave the pee and make Blake test it. My relationship with the “devil sticks” as I call it… well, it ain’t good so I am thankful that Blake takes on the HPT duty.

I headed to my doctor’s appointment and one of my favorite nurses was there to take my blood. We chatted, and honestly, I was feeling good. Feeling so confident in the weirdest of ways. I had had some light cramping the past days so I figured that was a positive sign. I headed quickly back to my car to test Blake to give me the results.

He first text back and asked how blood work went before I quickly and boldly asked WHAT THE RESULTS WERE. “Negative.” He said. A pit sank in my stomach, and the tears started to stream as I sat in the parking lot. Flashbacks to our last failed transfer and negative HPT. It had failed… AGAIN. At this point it was 8:45 and I needed to head home right away to get back on Mom duty to watch Otis since Blake had to go to work. I had to try to dry my tears up so I could drive home safely. I did my best to focus and get myself home. The waves of grief continually tug at my heart. EVERY. DAMN. SECOND. I walked inside and Otis smiled at me screaming “MAMA!!!” as he always does when I enter a room. I had to smile. But it almost made my heart break twice knowing I didn’t make him a baby sibling.

I cried most of the day. On and off. Without warning. But what I talked about before is mourning this loss as a mother is so difficult. I didn’t want to be hysterically crying in front of Otis all day. He needs a mother that is happy and making him smile. But it’s not easy. Blake came out at lunch and I lost it. Trying to cover my face in front of Otis so he couldn’t’ see my tears. The frustration of just having to FIGHT and STRUGGLE for so long, all of it just feels so unfair. I sobbed as I told him I just wish it was easy like everyone else. It was just so hard.

Today, I am still not ok. And to be honest I won’t be ok for a while. I know this isn’t the story you want to be reading and trust me when I say it’s not the story I thought I would be typing. But it’s the cruel reality of infertility that there are no guarantees. What makes this failure even more devastating is that we only have 1 more embryo left. So talk about pressure and your whole freaking family life flashing before your eyes. Your heart on the chopping block. Every time I think about it breaks me into pieces. I have been in that situation before, and sadly, we did not have a happy ending. Everything about this process will give you PTSD or at least it did for me. When you talk about being hopeful, it’s likely one of the hardest things you can achieve while going through treatment. But in the end, hope is what we all have. Faith that we can put our best hopeful heart forward and do everything in our power to put one foot in front of the other. I don’t know what our future holds right now, but I know I will have the courage to move forward. My mission in writing these blog posts about our infertility journey is shed some light on the realities of fertility treatment. It’s important to know the good, the bad and the ugly and to know that though times can be very dark, the rewards can be life’s sweetest.

Blake turned to me yesterday and said, “WOW. Can you believe just how special a miracle that Otis is???” And he is so right. Bless our little rainbow baby for bringing so much love and light into our life especially in these current hard times.

To my friends out there struggling, I wish I could wrap my arms around you. So many parts of this process are now done alone because of this Covid world but know you are not walking alone. We all walk together. You are not alone.

I wrote a few posts on infertility and IVF and you can find them below:

IVF 1

IVF 2

IVF 3

Prepping for FET (frozen embryo transfer)

Preparing for IVF egg retrieval

How to support a friend going through IVF

IVF book resources

Covid-19 Cancelled My Embryo Transfer

Failed IVF Frozen Embryo Transfer

The post Failed Frozen Embryo Transfer #3 – Failed IVF appeared first on eat.sleep.wear. - Fashion & Lifestyle Blog by Kimberly Lapides.

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kurtwarren54 · 4 years

Text

Failed Frozen Embryo Transfer #3 – Failed IVF

Frozen Embryo Prep

Transfer Day

2 Week Wait

Bloodwork Day

I wrote a few posts on infertility and IVF and you can find them below:

IVF 1

IVF 2

IVF 3

Prepping for FET (frozen embryo transfer)

Preparing for IVF egg retrieval

How to support a friend going through IVF

IVF book resources

Covid-19 Cancelled My Embryo Transfer

Failed IVF Frozen Embryo Transfer

The post Failed Frozen Embryo Transfer #3 – Failed IVF appeared first on eat.sleep.wear. - Fashion & Lifestyle Blog by Kimberly Lapides.

from Wellness https://www.eatsleepwear.com/2020/09/01/failed-frozen-embryo-transfer-3-failed-ivf/ via http://www.rssmix.com/

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