#all im saying is. the poor communication in their relationship comes from the shortcomings of both sides

[paintingformike]

both sides had their own faults in the mleven fight in season 4 and im tired of people only ever blaming and villainizing mike and putting all responsibility on him when the situation never would’ve unfolded that drastically bad if el was being honest to him 🤷‍♀️

#breaking my silence again #im tired of having to sugarcoat things like people actually need to realize this #el didnt have any ill intent when she lied to mike but it still happened continuously #and will was right when he said that mike didnt deserve that #how could they expect to have a strong relationship if el couldnt even confide in him or trust him enough to open up about her problems? #and before their conversation in el’s room turned into a fight #mike genuinely tried to empathize with her and hear her side. he tried to be vulnerable and talk about his own experiences in bullying #people conveniently ignore the fact that he did make an effort to connect with her and it was el who chose to dismiss it #all im saying is. the poor communication in their relationship comes from the shortcomings of both sides #and its important to acknowledge that bc people get so blinded by their hatred for mike and forget he wasnt the only one at fault #byler

[miguenhasthoughts]

I guess I should actually start documenting the self growth journey.

03/25

I finally broke down to Sam. I’m tired of their shortcomings in the relationship. They have grown too comfortable with the cycle of complaining and me having to fix every problem. However when I have bad mental health, I feel like I have to be on egg shells when I try to have a moment to relax and zone out because my stimming annoys them. I don’t even know I’m stimming but I have to be on my toes and focus. They can make poor financial decisions because I will find a way to pay all our bills no matter what. Even if it puts me in a bad spot. I had to call them out how they felt they had the right to my body just because they had a higher sex drive for the majority of the relationship but since my transition my libido is non existent. I don’t even like getting touched until I can mentally prepare for it.

After I got all that out I realized how Micah also hurt me and didn’t value me. I realized how much they projected their insecurities onto me. Not to say I didn’t do anything wrong. Yet it seems… they had a lot they weren’t telling me. Things that they didn’t want to admit to themselves still hurt them. And they projected those worries onto me as if I was exactly like their ex. Maybe there were similarities. However I never manipulated them. Yet they might’ve felt like I did because their ex did. I don’t know. Either way, I didn’t deserve what Micah did to me.

It finally hit me that Sam isn’t the same person. They weren’t the same person they were. I never communicated the things that hurt me and made me feel uncomfortable. They were remorseful that they made me feel that way. They took accountability and I intend to hold them to it. I need to get over being scared to speak my mind on things that do me harm. I trust Sam to do better. They have been making progress on the problems we had at the start of the relationship. We were getting better. It’s not their fault I spiraled. I love them.

I know they are an adult and should know better but it’s so easy to get comfortable when you are on the receiving end of getting taken care of. Especially if I just bottle everything up. How do I expect to have any type of relationship without being better at communicating.

03/26

I have a date tomorrow. They seem nice. We are getting coffee. I’m still reeling from breaking up with Micah. Yet I need to just dust myself off and try to grab onto some semblance of hope. Im nervous. Not really about the dating part. The dating part feels inconsequential to me. I’d be lying if I said I had my heart into it. Yet who knows? I’m more nervous about their perception of me. Meeting new people is always scary to me. I never feel like anyone, especially new people see me as a woman. Like I’m wearing a costume. Or that I’m an imposter and not actually who I say I am. They seem nice. I doubt they will feel that way. Yet it’s a creeping fear.

Sam sent me pictures from when they traveled to see me across state borders even though we weren’t together. We looked so different and cis. It made me realize how much we truly been through together. There’s a lot of resentment I grew for them and today was the first day I felt a good portion washed away and I don’t see them as they were. They used to be someone so lost in who they were and was confused and sad and lashed out at everything that invaded their space. I unfortunately someone that withstood all the bad behavior to help them get to where they are now. Now they know who they are and move with more confidence. They are compassionate and don’t get defensive when called out. They listen and self reflect and come up with solutions to help better the relationship. I got so used to holding their hand I didn’t realize I don’t have to do that. I don’t have to do that with anyone.

I was actually happy to see them today. I also am coming to terms that maybe Micah might’ve lied to me and they aren’t coming back. It hurts but I can’t change that. I did all I could. I wish it didn’t have to end with a letter.

#dear diary #03/25 #03/26 #poly #back on that horse called dating #post break up clarity for the first time I guess. #accountability #gender dysphoria #reconciliation #part of me hopes you wrote a letter and I just haven’t gotten it #what does it matter. I need to stop making up excuses for you. #maybe the E made me Ace 🤷🏽‍♀️