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sunoorintarou · 7 months

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Catharsis: State of Affairs (dark red)

Phos!Reader x (Platonic?) Megumi Fushiguro

Warnings: soooo angsty, so much regret, questioning, self hatred, self loathing, self blaming, Megumi being mean to reader, Megumi being emotionally constipated, mentions of Megumi's struggles caused by Toji leaving, just pretty sad over all

Notes: Alexa, play Dark Red by Steve Lacy

Megumi felt guilty. Guilty, beyond all understanding. This was his fault, after all. This all began and ended with him.

He could only describe you as the softest part of his heart. The weakest. The most humane part of him he rejected so deeply.

You were weak. From the time he had met you, that was one thing that hadn't changed to him. You were so... human. It was almost sickening.

He remembered when Gojo had paired you up together for your first mission. How your hands trembled, the sword in your hands weighing you down as you nervously looked around.

He remeber how easily you got hurt, skin cracking simply from the cursed energy released by the curse. The lines forming like the roots of all concern, the weak roots of an unstable tree being tossed around by the wind.

Yet he also remeber how fearlessly you had tried to fight off the curse when he had been momentarily injured. Form so small against the large curse, but tenacious in the worst way. Body shaking as you rocked back and forth with your sword, the weight so much you had no choice but to hurl the sword at the curse.

You knew you would lose, yet you were still prepared to sacrifice yourself for Megumi, as if your life held no importance. He hated that about you.

The aftermath of that incident was something that Megumi remembered to this day. The guilt eating away at him.

He had snapped at you, belittling your efforts, calling you weak, saying you should forget about being a sorceror. Calling you a liability on the battlefield, claiming you were simply not cut out for this world.

Gosh, he was such an idiot. He had meant to berate you for your reckless actions and tell you to take more caution and not be so ready to give your life away. Especially not for him. He didn't deserve that.

He wondered if he had planted that seed of doubt in your head. At the time, his anger had blindsided him. But he had never really thought you'd take it to heart. You had simply laughed off his comment, eyes glazing ever so slightly, vowing to prove him wrong, after all.

Yet, as he watched you train, regularly asking him for sparring matches to show off your progress, he couldn't help but wonder if he had caused this development. If he had been the catalyst to your downfall. The butterfly who flapped his wings, resulting in the typhoon.

Every action made him feel worse. It seemed as if he could never do right by you.

Even when he tried to help you train, when he stayed up late at night waiting for you to return after you'd snuck out, when he'd leave snacks on your desk because he knew you hadn't been eating much. How he worried himself sick whenever you got injured, how he visited you every single day you were unconscious whenever you injured yourself. He would never admit he had been the one to put the flowers at your bedside because they were nothing compared to the flowers you had grown in his heart.

Megumi wanted to protect you as much as he did Itadori, Kugisaki, Gojo, even Tsumiki. He had seen the signs even before everyone else.

He had been the first one to ask if you'd been sleeping well, noticing the discoloration under your eyes. Sneakily taking food you liked off his plate and putting it on yours whenever you'd eat out, noticing the plushness of your cheeks reducing.

He'd been lying if he had said he'd been trying his best. Not knowing any better was no excuse. No matter how many times he tried to convince himself, it was. He could have learned for you. He could have tried harder for you.

You deserved better than him. That was what he firmly believed.

Despite how hostile he had been, you had accepted him and his flaws wholeheartedly. You were the one who matched his pace behind the rest of the group as you walked. You were the one who refused to let him eat his meals alone, always finding him and joining him. You were the one who would sit with him in silence, simply keeping him company. You were the one who was always silent, listening to everything he said. Taking notes of his likes and dislikes, doing your best to understand him in a way no one had.

You were so much to him, yet he could never do anything for you.

It was still fresh in his mind. The day you left. The day he should have said something, anything, but had failed to.

It was late in the night when he saw you, sky pitch black, stars twinkling brightly. You were walking through the hallways in casual clothes, your jujutsu uniform jacket folded in your arms. He was confused, pausing in the hallway as you walked toward him. He was wearing his uniform jacket, but casual pants.

"Ah, Megumi." You smiled, a genuine smile. One so bright Megumi thought he was dreaming.

"Y/n?" His eyes fluttered down to the clothes in your arms, quirking a brow at you.

"Let's go for a walk, Megumi, like we used to." You had laughed, referring to how you'd follow him around the school, harping him with questions when you'd first arrived. Although it had been a few months, it felt as if it had been years.

So many seasons had passed.

Megumi had begun to wonder if he had started losing you in the winter or the spring.

His eyes stayed glued to your form as he watched you walk. Your form was stronger, so much more confident. Head high, strong shoulders that seemed to hold the weight of unspoken words.

You looked unreal, that night in particular more than anything, and for some reason, a sense of dread filled Megumi.

You had led him to the roof, staring silently at the stars as you leaned against the railing. And he stayed silent with you. The silence was never lonely when you were around.

"You know, Megumi, you're like cinnabar." You said suddenly.

Megumi frowned.

"Cinnabar is poisonous." He looked at you with narrow eyes. He wasn't sure if you were being serious or simply teasing.

"But it's beautiful." You said. Not an ounce of hesitation in your voice, eyes still trained on the sky.

Megumi's cheeks turned pink.

"It only has a hardness of 2.5. Yet it's strong enough to keep itself safe. It's so gentle, so beautiful that even though it hurts you at first, you see beyond that. It's so bright. You can't help but look up to it. Even though it's usually alone, it still shines. I think it shines more when it's surrounded by other gems, though."

Megumi stayed silent.

You smiled. You weren't speaking about Cinnabar anymore.

"Let's swap jackets." You said suddenly, turning to face him.

"Why?" He asked, eyes widening.

Your jacket was the exact same as his. You had had it designed like that when you had first arrived. Megumi was strong and composed. You looked up to him, wanting to be him because he was everything you weren't. This had caused you to ask Gojo to get you the same jacket as his.

Since then, you had been wearing it loyally, only difference being that you tucked it into your skirt. Itadori, Kugisaki, and Gojo had never let him live it down.

"To remind me of you, like a keep sake. It's the same jacket, Megumi, I even ordered mine oversized so it would match perfectly. So, please?"

Megumi frowned. He didn't like the way you spoke about this. A keepsake? You saw him every day. That made no sense. You had always been oddly sentimental however. No matter how odd your requests, Megumi could never say no to you.

So he wordlessly unzipped his jacket, taking it off and holding it out to you. Your face lit up so pretty, teal eyes so bright as your smile finally reached your eyes after so many months.

You took the jacket, placing yours in his hands. You didn't hesitate to put it on, buttoning it up with a smile. You did a twirl, looking at Megumi.

"How do I look?" You asked playfully.

"Same as always." He deadpanned, yet the pinkness on the tips of his ears said otherwise.

"You know, Megumi. Your name, it means blessing. You live up to that name. You're one of the best things that ever happened to me. Don't forget that your existence is a blessing, nothing less." You sighed, an almost sad smile on your face.

How could his name ever truly mean blessing when all he brought was misfortune to those around him?

The words died on Megumi's tongue.

"Why do you keep talking like you're gonna die or something?" Megumi's brows furrowed, face scrunching up in annoyance.

"In the future, I will. But, you don't know what could happen. Jujutsu Sorcerors have it tough. I could even die tomorrow-"

"Shut up."

Your eyes widened, lips trembling ever so slightly. There was silence for a few seconds as you suddenly turned away. You then sat down, knees bent against your chest, back against the railing.

"Stay here with me, just for tonight?"

Megumi wanted to protest. Claim it was unsafe or unsanitary. Tell you the floor was too cold. That you'd get sick. Something. Anything. Yet the words died on his tongue the moment he noticed the tears in your eyes.

He sat next to you, and before he knew it, you were crying, fingers laced with his as you leaned your head against his shoulder.

"If- if there's ever a time, when I'm not here anymore, please, you have to, please- please, forget me Megumi. Don't hesitate. Live on, as if I never existed. Promise me this, and only this." Your voice was cracking, words muffled against his shirt, tears soaking his skin.

"I-"

"Promise me, Megumi. Please. Even if I'm not here in the morning."

Megumi's stomach dropped. Just what were you going through? What was causing this? He knew the only way to comfort you was to agree. Even if his heart ripped in his chest and his words caught in his throat like thick tar.

Megumi always messed up around you. This was the least he could do.

"I promise."

That was the biggest lie Megumi had ever told.

You looked like a dream in the moonlight. Your eyes holding the galaxy as you looked at him in a way that tugged every string attached to his heart.

Megumi hated when you cried. You were still pretty, eyes crystalline and lips so pouty. You were just so much prettier when you smiled.

He let you cry in his arms until you fell asleep, hearing you mutter a goodnight followed by a thank you so filled with sorrow, a part of Megumi knew he wouldn't be seeing you for a long time.

He didn't know how or why, but he was sure of it. So he held you tightly, hoping and praying he was just overthinking this. Praying you'd still be curled in his arms in the morning.

Why would you leave? Where would you go? Was it because of him? And if it wasn't, was he not reason enough for you to stay?

Megumi's eyes glazed over.

Was everyone just meant to leave him?

This felt like a final goodbye. The ending scene of drama that had played on too long.

In this moment of weakness, when he knew you were asleep, Megumi whispered everything he had ever wanted into your hair. The apologies, the truths in all the lies, the praises, his true feelings. He spoke it all to the moon and the stars.

He could never let you go.

And when Megumi woke up in the morning, sun shining like a bad conscience against his empty arms. Megumi gritted his teeth, staring at the ground in front of him.

Like the moon that shone at night and disappeared in the day, you were gone. So silently, Megumi almost wondered if he had imagined you.

Yet the sorrow in his chest, so thick he felt like he could barely breathe, told Megumi you had been there.

Worst of all, he knew you were gone.

Something in Megumi died that day that never came back to life.

So he found himself locked up in his room while the others had rushed out to find you, realising you were gone. He didn't have the strength to search for you.

Megumi had met you where the spirit met the flesh and bone, yet in neither could he find an answer.

So instead, he prayed to a God he wasn't sure existed that in another life, you'd meet again. This time in a story that wasn't meant to end so bitterly.

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