#a lot were like RELAX!!! and ya kno objectively theyre right but i refuse to listen bc theres something wrong in my head

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#looking at the notes ppl in the lab let me on my birthday card. it seems ppl think i should chill the fuck out lmao #a lot were like RELAX!!! and ya kno objectively theyre right but i refuse to listen bc theres something wrong in my head #sigh. i survived the day at least. the timed measurements r done on this experiment. thank christ. and my birthday gathering as so #i dont kno. it was kinda funny and kinda sad i guess. bc i knew it was gonna happen and i didnt want it to but i was like fine. ill meet #at 4. and i expected it to b in the conference room but they set up outside the lab around the corner. so they did kinda surprise me #location wise i guess. i cant imagine what expression i was making. it felt like a pained smile but idk. i had to go back to take #measurements every 4min so i was standing there with a plate full of ice creame cake. kinda away from everyone while they talked. staring #at my phone timer as it ticked down and abruptly leaving when i had to log a measurement. i was basically a non entity while there. which #was kinda idea bc i have too much hurt inside to talk to ppl right now. as evidence by my phone call with my parents when i got home. im #just kinda a bummer to exist around rn. idk maybe i should apologize to my boss bc i kno im not an easy person to do things for #and i really do appreciate the effort. its just hard when i kno how much stress its going to cause me for someone to attempt to do #something they think will b nice. so idk i just feel bad. but its over. and idk what ill do tomorrow. i should do stuff for when i move #like my dad was like: u should prioritize ur future stuff. and hes objectively right. they think i should get a studio apartment which #would b expensive as fuck but i will destroy myself if i have roommates. idk. theres lots still to do bc i have to get a ton of data #processed by the end of the week bc i have 8 days of measurement on another project that needs to get done by may 14th when i leave for #vacation. which my mom was like did u buy ur tickets for next month and i was like. hm how do i ask where im supposed to buy tickets to #without giving away that i dont kno what ur talking abt? bc apparently im going to a wedding? wtf do i wear to a wedding? #idk. i guess im just kinda sad bc this month has been really hard. i made it hard for no reason bc theres something wrong in my head and #that hurt has nowhere to go bc i cant even give anyone an honest account of how awful it was bc its like what r they gonna do abt it? #anything i say is just worrying bc i cant seem to stop myself who whats the point in talking abt it. but idk humans r social creatures so #when im in pain at least part of me wants someone to brush my hair and acknowledge my pain and tell me itll b ok #but idk. the idea of that happening is different from the reality where i seem to opperate at a different frequency to other people. we #just dont seem to properly connect. idk. idk what ill do tomorrow. im afraid to loosen my grip on my schedule bc i might fall to piece #pieces without the pressure. well see. lets home my 26th year is better than my 25th was. bc last year sucked #hope* lets hope that was my low point. bc that was not a fun time and im worry to take account of thr damage done #unrelated