#a little Joe whump cause someone has been getting me in the mood

[laviejaguardia]

It gets a little too much sometimes. It mounts up, a pressure under Joe’s sternum that won't let up, the world dims around him slowly, so gradually he doesn't notice it until it's too late. Especially if they've been doing back to back missions, or he's had to be away from Nicky a lot.

Nicky notices, but also knows Joe's too stubborn to recognize it. He'll insist he's fine, that it's all good, until one day he's sketching and everything he draws comes out ugly, until he tries to find one of his colourful paints and realizes he doesn't even remember where they are; it's been too long since he used them

That's when Nicky finds him standing somewhere, completely still, eyes and expression vacant but his cheeks and beard already wet with streaming tears.

Then Nicky stands close gently, so as not to startle him, and wraps one arm around his waist, pressing their sides together so Joe can tuck there. When the warmth of his body finally soaks through, Joe turns just a little and presses his face on the crook of Nicky’s neck, hiding from the world that seems so grey and harsh into the one place he knows it's always safe: his husband's arms. Then, and only then, he's able to let go.

"I hated it," Joe confesses against the warm private nestle of Nicky’s neck. Nicky can feel his lips against his skin and the wet press of his scrunched eyes. He hums and cards his hand through his curls, resting his own head over Joe's. His curls tickle his nose so he gives them a kiss. "Every second of it. They made me-" he takes a shuddering breath and pivots so he’s hugging Nicky, their fronts connecting. He tightens his hold on Nicky's back and in turn, Nicky gathers him impossible closer, something soft and broken mending inside of him as Joe rests even more of his weight on him. "I had to do awful things so they wouldn't suspect me."

"I know, hayati, I know." His soul aches for his lover. His Yusuf, so full of emotion and kindness, masking them hurts him, it borrows and festers inside of him like an infection. "But we got them all out. You got them all out." 

Joe's breath hitches with the reminder, Nicky's neck feels wetter.

"It was horrible, so horrible, Nicolò." He pushes himself off and Nicky lets him, meets his big brown reddened eyes when he looks up. The lines around them are deeper, hinting at a fraction of their real age. "How can people still do this?" He asks with a desolation that knows no bounds. "How can they- of all the options in this world- I just- how can they choose to do this, Nicolò?" He pleads, not looking for a real answer. "I'm so tired."

Nicky reels him in again, close and tight to his own body, which has felt like half a life ever since they parted. It's been so long, too long. Neither of them does well with distance. And even though they knew it was the best course of action it didn't mean they enjoyed a single second of this aspect.

"I missed you," Joe burrows further into his skin and Nicky starts to feel his soul start to settle in his body. He clutches him closer, tighter, until there isn't an ounce of air between them. If only he could split his ribcage open and tuck Joe inside, keep him sheltered from all of this world's pains, feed him only with his love and show him only the world's most beautiful things.

But then he wouldn't be his Yusuf. He wouldn't be the man who first leaps into danger, yet never does more harm than necessary. He wouldn't be the man able to find the hope in the darkest of time, the humour -jaded and dark if needed- in the direst of moments. 

"I missed Nile. And Andy. And Booker." He lets out a wet laugh that holds no humour. "I missed this," he says and squeezes him again, dutifully, Nicky squeezes him back, drops another kiss on his curls and rocks them softly back and forth. "I missed your cooking and Andy's teasing and Nile's sarcasm and Booker's opinions on cheeses. I missed my family," that last part dissolves into a sob.

"We're here, Yusuf," Nicky reminds him. "You have us."

"And those- god those girls, Nicky. They will never get to go back to their lives, not in the same way. I shouldn't be complaining."

Nicky frowns and tuts, carding his fingers more tightly in his curls.

"We've left behind our own lives more times than we can count, Yusuf. And thanks to you those girls are getting back to their homes and can start to heal. You know their families will be eternally grateful, you've given them their lives back."

Yusuf sniffles and pets his back, a long stroke from the small of his back to the curl of his shoulder blades. The feeling is so comforting in its familiarity Nicky finds himself blinking back tears. 

"I love you." Joe's lips brush his skin with the words. Nicky wonders for a second how many times has that happened by now. No matter how high the number, it'll never be enough. "So much it’s beyond words."

Nicky huffs a laugh, not dismissive but pleased. Under his hands he can feel how Joe's back has relaxed, his breathing is coming more smoothly. "That's not what you were saying a thousand years ago but okay." 

"A thousand years ago you hadn't learned to cook a stew so good it made me weep."

"Ah yes, the stew of romance," Nicky chuckles and lets Joe push away to reveal his face. "My greatest achievement. Filled our bellies and made you fall in love with me all at once." He gives him a whisper of a smile, lost in the memory.

It hadn't been of course that easy. The stew had been their first meal with meat in months and Nicky had spent more time batting Joe's hands away from the pot than stirring it. When it had been finally done Joe had been practically drooling. At the first spoonful he'd almost couldn't swallow it with the way he was groaning.

"Oh Allah be merciful. Nicolò I love you, please marry me," he'd begged over Nicky's snorting laughter.

Nicky hadn't thought much of the comment at the time, taking it for the jest between friends it had been. It was in the middle of the night, gripped with unusual insomnia despite his warm and full belly that the words had come back to him. It had made him realize how far they'd come, and how he couldn't envision his future without Yusuf in it now. 

The deeper feelings would take longer to surface, but when Joe had asked him when he'd started to suspect there could be more between them, it had been the memory of that night and that stew that had come back to Nicky as clear as the night sky. 

Now that same night sky seems to be stuck on Joe's pupils as he stares up at him. His cheeks are wet and his eyes red. He looks tired on a fundamental level that Nicky knows will take him a long time to rest and recover from. 

Nicky brings a hand to cradle his chin, thumb resting on the curve of chin. He had to keep shaved for the job and it’s been slow to grow back properly, another thing Joe doesn't like. Each glance in the mirror has been a sour reminder.

His eyes hold pleas and apologies that there's no need to utter. Nicky smiles softly at him, his chest burning with how much he loves him.

"I know, tesoro, I love you too. We'll be okay, I promise." He tips Joe's chin closer and seals his words with a soft, gentle kiss.

#a little Joe whump cause someone has been getting me in the mood #the old guard #tog #tog fic #kaysanova #joenicky #immortal husbands #joe x nicky #yusuf al-kaysani #nicolò di genova #mmine #my writing #undercover aftermath #demonicneonfishy #usernati #userlyde #nilefreemans #trying to figure out what tags to use is SO STRESSFULL