#a bunch of equally fucked up idiots who all insist on being perfectly fine

[i-will-always-love-the-jedi]

Me when my comfort-blorpos are actually just middle aged sad losers 😔😔😔

…

#still love them tho #we Stan unwell space wizards #come to the high republic we have #*awkwardly reads notes* #a bunch of equally fucked up idiots who all insist on being perfectly fine #(they’re doomed by the narrative) #no-beard Elzar because what was my boi thinking #i could go into detailed explanation everyone is where they are #then again spots could also be exchange especially Stellan and Avar #i love them your honor #the high republic #star wars the high republic #avar kriss #elzar mann #stellan gios

[starrywyvern]

I discovered that I was asexual long before my feet ever touched the ground on this hell site.  Long before I ever knew what AVEN (another hell site imo) was, what ace tumblr was, etc.  I came to the conclusion all on my own, at the age of 19, after years of reflection and frustration and putting myself into situations that were harmful to myself both mentally and physically.

I went for years believing that I was straight.  I mean, I didn’t like boys.  But I didn’t like girls, either.  So I couldn’t have been gay, right?  Like, without a doubt, I felt nothing in terms of sexual attraction to girls.  I felt nothing towards boys that way either, but I stupidly thought that hey, maybe that was just a normal part of being straight or some shit.  It was easier than confronting the possibility of being broken.  But everyone assumed for me, before I was even the age of 12, that I would grow up to be a lesbian because of my blatant disinterest in boys.  They would insist, oh honey no, you’re just a lesbian.  But it still felt just as wrong to me as a label as trying to convince myself that straight was any more correct.  Because I knew, without any question, that I saw absolutely no appeal in boys, girls, nb, or anybody.  Just as much as I had a disinterest in boys, I had equal disinterest in girls and anybody else.  I simply had no words for what I was experiencing.  Everyone else clearly knew where they were, but I didn’t feel the way they felt towards people... towards anyone.  It was all a blur of “I don’t honestly fucking care and I have zero interest”.  I defaulted to referring to my identity as being straight, because I had no idea what else to even call myself and my experience.  It still felt wrong, but so did lesbian, bi, and pan.  I had seriously considered all of these as possibilities, and yet just... nothing fit.  It wasn’t some case of denial.  It was a case of “this still isn’t right and isn’t what I’m feeling”.  I defaulted to calling myself straight because nothing else felt right, even though straight itself didn’t feel right either.  But I had no language for what I was feeling other than... broken.  And I desperately didn’t want to call myself that.  So straight it was.

Lesbian was never accurate.  Bisexual was never accurate.  Straight was never accurate.  Poly and pan were no more accurate, either.  But asexuality?  Oh, asexuality.  When I learned about it at 19, I cried.  Where literally all other identities had felt entirely wrong to me and none of them really fit (or rather I didn’t fit into them)... asexuality was absolutely the missing piece that was the answer to my dilemma of nearly 10 years.  Suddenly I wasn’t some broken and worthless person who was really bad at being gay, straight, or even bi.  I was none of those things to begin with.  I was ace.  The whole time, I was ace.  I just hadn’t realized it, because I didn’t even realize that ace was a thing.  Instead, I had gone through so many unnecessary identity hoops and believing I was just broken in all of them.  I had just gone through just accepting that feeling miserable when topics of sexual attraction came up was just part of The Experience, and that I was just too stupid to understand the appeal everyone else had for it.

That’s not the fault of people who suggested I might be lesbian.  That’s not the fault of people who suggested I might be straight.  That’s not the fault of people who suggested I might be bi.  That’s not the fault of people who suggested I might be pan.  That’s not the fault of people who suggested I might be poly.  It’s literally not the fault of anyone who tried to suggest identities to me as a means to helping.  They weren’t manipulative for trying to help me figure myself out, for having suggested things to me that ultimately weren’t true and/or applicable to myself.  They were just providing me options to consider.  And I wish someone would have stepped forward to suggest I might be ace, so it wouldn’t have taken so long for me to figure it out myself.  It wouldn’t have been manipulative if they were wrong in the end on that, either.  It would have simply been giving me another piece to work with to fight my frustrating battle where I was grasping at broken straws that just wouldn’t WORK for me.  Because it isn’t suddenly manipulative for someone to have suggested an identity to someone else as a means to help, just because the suggestion turned out to not fit in the end.  It’s a suggestion.  But in any case, it would have saved me so much pain and so much pressure and so much grief to have had someone come to me long before the point I’d discovered asexuality for myself... to inform me that asexuality is a thing and that it was worth considering as a possibility for what I was experiencing.  That would have spared my entire teenage life all of the frustrating “what’s wrong with me”s and “why am I so stupid”s and “why am I so BROKEN”s, because of course those other labels aren’t working for you sweetie!  That’s because you’re not any of those things, and you are perfectly fine and normal.  You’re just ace.  And that’s OKAY.  And I know for a fucking fact that there are dozens of younger folks out there who are in that exact same kind of position.  Dozens of younger folks who would benefit to at least hear that it’s a fucking option on the table to consider.

Suggesting asexuality as an option for someone’s consideration with their identity isn’t keeping them from considering whether or not they’re actually gay or bi or pan or poly.  It’s simply giving them another identity to consider in their journey of discovery.  It may not fit them in the end, but there’s still a chance that it may even fit them far better than straight, gay, bi, poly, or pan ever has or will.  But you guys want to think and insist to others that providing kids with that kind of information - you know, information that could really help them sort through their problems with identity and lessen their frustrations and potentially save them in one way or another - is manipulative and homophobic.  And all that does is out you as a bunch of fucking hateful idiots who aren’t really out to help people like you say you are, rather you just want to encourage people to hate an entire identity like you yourself do.  Which is, ultimately, un-fucking-helpful and leaves kids - kids like me - struggling and wanting to fucking die because they feel so isolated, broken, and misfit no matter how they identify so long as they go without that fucking missing piece you so badly don’t want them to be informed about.

#Text Post #Wyvern Texts #Asexuality