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grox · 2 years

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The world is so small. And everything will be gone, even that which we work so hard to archive. I wish I could put every singl human memory, every insigificant moment, the hisory of every single grain of sand, just lock it up in a flash drive that cant even be destroyed by the sun. I find it unfair that time, even on a scale so insanely wide that it literally doesnt matter to any of us, will be over. Every single thing will die. I find it hard to take comfort in this. I don't want things to end. The scale of human suffering and joy upsets me, the existence of every single thing upsets me. If every moment was worth a billion moments it would not matter. If immortality was avaliable to us it would not mater. I guess realizing this has shaken me somewhat. I'm very disillusioned about the 100% chance that I will die. I cant imagine myself actually dying. I cant imagine my friends dying. I've come to terms that I'll die a nobody, no human makes history in the grand scheme of things. But I cant comorehend that I'll sctually die. I'm scared of heaven, and even more scared of hell. I think, to not exist at all would be worse than hell. To suffer is to at least remain conscious, and even the worst pain imaginable, scaling eith tolersnce, is something. My greatest fear in hell would for the torture to be over. My greatest fear im heaven would be for heaven to be over. We dont know how eternal any of that is, weve only had it for as long as weve had ourselves. Even coming back to earth in a new body, or remaining as a ghost, if this awareness remains it will not be good. I'm having trouble finding a reason to even remain alive now that I know how completely worthless this is in the long run. I'm scared out of my mind because of it. My parents will die, so will my peers. Any suffering I give them with my death wont matter. I wont kill myself. It's a heartbreaking feeling to lose a friend. Its torture to not know if the last thinf you said to someone will truly be the last. Its horrendous. But that brings me to another point. Would me killing myself just be like ripping the bandaid off? What's it matter if were old and shitty ornyoing and shitty? I dont want to be old. I'll never find peace. Every action I take will add up. I can pretend the past self is seperate from the present now, but sich way of thinking is a poison. It'll get me whem I'm old, when I've either served my purpose or failed to do so. Every time I realize that earth is a planet I get nauseous in a physichal sense. Like I'm on a rollercoaster, I feel my stomach move. Part of me wishes to have been born a bug that inherently knows its born to die. A human has to learn, and a human wants to fight it. I don't want to fight it, but I can't accept it. I don't want to die in an accident, I don't want to die without people knowing. But I cant choose that, can I? Any time I leave the house I have to acknowlege it. Just the general laws of happnings. A murderer could break in tonight, and cut off my head. My house could collapse. Will anyone mourn me? What if my car crashes? What if a stray bullet gets me? What if my body realizes that it kinda sucks, and kills itself without my cosent? I don't want to die. I don't want to lose my influnce over things. The point of a living human is to create stories, and to have witnesses so their story remains. What will I do when nobody remembers me after I'm gone? Sulk about it? Kill myself? I don't know. I'd sure like to try. I don't care anymore I think I was just having a woman moment- no, elderly dementia atack. Get out of here

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mrsalwayswrite · 3 years

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Too Late To Hold My Heart (Joe Liebgott x Reader)

Alright, i’m not 100% sure about this but here ya go. Just something that came to mind. Lemme know what y’all think! I usually shy away from writing angst...

Warnings: ANGST, a couple swear words, a tiny bit of fluff (I’m so sorry for all the feels)

Words:2600

Tag List: @happyveday @sydney-m @saritanotserena

Joe Liebgott reclined on the cushioned chair, open bottle of schnapps in hand. Watching. Unable to tear his gaze away. He should have been ecstatic. He should have been shouting from the rooftops, running around, causing mayhem like the others. Joining in the revelry surrounding him with abandon. Drinking from the cup of life handed to him and the other paratroopers.

The war in Europe was over.

VE Day.

Everyone was getting drunk off their asses in celebration. They had somehow survived and made it to the end. Alcohol flowed freely. Laughter and exclamations, the background of the town they were currently occupying. Luz and Christianson were loudly singing in the next room over, the radio drowned out by their voices. Even Martin was belly-laughing across the room, a bottle in hand.

Yet instead of getting drunk to celebrate, Joe was getting drunk to forget.

To forget you.

He could still remember how you felt in his hands, the way your sighs tasted on his lips. The hopes and dreams you confessed to him in the nights you shared a foxhole. How you whispered his name, the sound rolling off your lips. How you held him so tightly as he sobbed in your arms the night after Tipper got hit. Intoxicating memories that threatened to drown him now.

The worst part.

He could see you across the room, laughing openly with your head tipped back and hand over your mouth, as if to contain the beguiling sound. In the glow of the surrounding lamps, you were a vision of true beauty and carefree joy.

The problem?

Floyd Talbert's arm, possessively around your waist, pulling you closer into his side on the couch you both were sitting on.

Joe took another swig of the schnapps, grimacing at the taste. Those around him continued to talk and laugh, oblivious to his simmering anger.

He could still see it. Just a few hours ago as they got word of the Nazis' surrender, everyone had been cheering and running around like children set loose on a playground. Joe had hurried to find you, to see your smile, to embrace you. For so long you two had talked about this moment. The end of the war.

Instead, his feet stuck to the cobbled road, trapped as if in cement. Shock and anger colored his world in vibrant hues, the joy around him turning into dull grays. For there was Talbert running to you, scooping you up in his arms, swinging you around without a care in the word. And as he set you back on your feet, he kissed you as if you were the very air he needed.

Those who witnessed it either laughed or stared in shock. A couple wolf whistles sounded amongst the cheering.

But Joe felt like a white-hot dagger had been stuck into his chest, burning his heart.

For you had kissed Talbert back just as passionately.

So here he sat, surrounded by revelry, surrounded by his fellow paratroopers celebrating the war's end in Europe. Only that joy seemed to bypass him, leaving him to wallow in confusion and anger.

The way you breathed out his name as he kissed you, like he was the only thing keeping you tied down to this world. Your hands in his hair, holding him against you. Your soft skin in the moonlight. The quiet laughter as you stared into each other's eyes after. The teasing about not getting caught by the others… He could remember it all.

Now though, it was someone else who laid a kiss to your temple, making you giggle sweetly. Someone else who had their arm around you. Someone else who you were gazing up at like they put the stars in the sky.

It was supposed to be him. It was always supposed to be him. He planned on changing your last name to Liebgott. He had thought of your future together so many times. The only thing that kept him sane through the past several months.

Now this tasted like betrayal.

And he was not sure who he was furious with- himself or you.

Eventually, he watched you bid goodnight to those around you, giggling as your feet swayed slightly. You had always been a lightweight. A quick peck on the lips to Talbert; then you disappeared into the back and up the stairs where your room in the house was.

Without a second thought, Joe drained the rest of the bottle in his hand. Not even paying attention to the taste anymore. He wiped his mouth on his sleeve, dropping the bottle on the ground.

And he followed you.

*****

You pulled the pins out of your hair, letting it down from the chignon it had been in. Bubbles danced in your belly, both from joy and from the champagne you had been sipping on. VE Day. A part of you never thought this day would ever come. Next, you took off your OD jacket, tossing it onto the bed next to you, leaving you standing there in your white undershirt and OD trousers and socks.

Wait?

You giggled as you stared down at your sock-clad feet. You remembered wearing your boots earlier. At some point you must have taken them off. Well, you might remember throwing one at Luz. Hopefully Tab could help you find them in the morning. Or someone with the least severe hangover. You giggled again thinking of poor Gene who was going to be dealing with all these hungover paratroopers coming to him for pain meds. Maybe you should volunteer to help him. You did not drink that much to be affected in the morning. It was better for the company that you remained mostly sober.

The door to your solitary room opened behind you. Surprised, you turned around, ready to tease whoever came in. Was someone bringing up your boots?

When Liebgott stepped through, the words froze on your tongue and all the joyful bubbles popped, leaving you feeling hollow and nauseous.

He stood just inside the doorway, arms crossed over his chest. His hair was messy, as if he ran his hand through it too many times. Eyes slightly glassy but obscured by the fire burning in them. "So, you and Tab, huh? How long has this been going on?"

"Joe…I think you should leave." You turned back around and ran your fingers through your hair, preparing to braid your hair like you did every night.

"What? Was it before or after us, huh?" Even without looking at him, you could imagine the sneer on his face. His voice that at one time used to be so gentle and kind to you, now was harsh and grating.

"I don't wanna talk about it."

In a couple steps, he was behind you, gripping your arm to whirl you around violently. "Answer the goddamn question, y/n!"

"There was never an 'us'." You spat out, surprising yourself with the venom in your own voice.

He took a step back, eyes wide in shock. Then as what you said sunk in, the fire burning in his eyes turned into an inferno that threatened to burn you both in its wake. "What the fuck are you talking about? Of course, there was an us! We fucked in Mourmelon! We talked about our futures! About life together after the war! Even in Albourne, there was always an us!"

"And then you shut me out!" You yelled back at him.

Chest heaving, you covered your mouth with your hand for a moment, trying to force back the flood of pain and emotions clawing desperately to escape. When you continued speaking, you kept your eyes on his dog tags hanging over his shirt, your voice low as if confessing a sin. "We used to talk about everything. I thought that if we both survived this war, we might--" You stopped yourself from finishing that sentence. "It doesn't matter now. In Bastogne, you cut me off. You wouldn't talk to me. You ignored me. I got injured and needed you, but you weren't there. Even in Haguenau, it was like you never saw me. I was suddenly invisible to you. What was I supposed to think?"

His eyes were wide, mouth open slightly, as if now recognizing the effects of his actions. He licked his lips, then reached his hand out like he meant to cup your cheek but thought better of it and dropped it back to his side. "I... I didn't want to hurt you anymore. I made you cry and that-- SHIT! I'm not a good man. I'm a selfish asshole. I just… I wanted to be better for you."

"Joe, don't-"

"No, damn it." He interrupted you, grabbing a fistful of your loose hair and tipping your head up, forcing your eyes to meet his. "I didn't want blood on my hands the next time I touched you, held you, kissed you. I needed to be a good man for you. What you fucking deserve. But I couldn't do it. Not there. I just thought...after. When the war was over. We could try again."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Did I mention I'm a selfish asshole yet?"

You chuckled, placing your hands on his chest. His rapid heartbeat under your fingers matched your own. His fist loosened in your hair, fingers running through it like he knew you loved. A subtle sigh escaped your lips without permission at the gentle touch. How long had it been since he touched you like this?

"Please, y/n, please." He begged, voice cracking at the end. "Give me another chance."

You shook your head, dropping your gaze. "You had it, but you pushed me away when I needed you. I can't...I can't go through that again. It hurt too much."

"Was there ever really a chance? For us?"

"Joe… I… I can't…" Tears flooded your eyes; you desperately fought to keep them from falling.

So slowly, he ran his hand through your hair one last time then took a half step back. "And Tab?"

"He has always been a friend, even in Toccoa. He looked out for me. And in Bastogne, he was there for me. We took care of each other, especially after I got injured but couldn't leave the line. He helped me pick up the pieces of myself after. It wasn't supposed to happen. We were only supposed to be friends. But...things changed."

He nodded, then rubbed the back of his neck while looking out the window. He tugged his lower lip into his mouth for a second, before staring at you once again. "Can I kiss you? One last time?"

"No. That would only hurt us both."

"Yeah...well if it means anything… I'm sorry. For everything."

"Me too." You covered your mouth with your hand, physically suppressing the sob that felt lodged in your throat. Peeking through your watery eyes, you could just make out the tears in his own as he stared at you longingly.

You two stood there gazing at one another, a million unspoken words laying on the ground between your feet. Words you both wished you had said in the past, but it was too late now. Too late to pick them up, dust them off and share them. Like your hearts. Hopes, dreams and desires that pulled on you two, keeping you together. Those strings were cut. Severed by the hatchet of insecurity, war and pain. It was too late to try and save those strings.

It was all months too late.

How you wished it was different.

"Everything alright here?" Talbert asked, standing in the doorway. His gaze jumped rapidly between you and Liebgott, still standing only a step apart. His jacket was unbuttoned, pieces of hair sticking up haphazardly like someone tried to give him a noogie.

"Yeah, yeah." You met Tab's eyes, taking another step back from Liebgott. Quickly, you wiped your eyes with the heel of your hand. "Just talking about home. Hopefully we can see it soon."

"Oh yeah, I forgot you both are from San Francisco. Small world, huh?" He smiled, leaning against the doorframe.

"Small world. Well, I should probably get to sleep. Good night, Joe."

"Yeah." Liebgott stared at you like he was burning your image into his mind permanently; you could feel his eyes caressing your cheeks and lips. Without another word, he turned on his heel and walked out with a quick, 'see ya, Tab' over his shoulder.

Pushing off the doorframe, Talbert approached you. He scanned you like he was looking for an injury, then gently pulled you into his warm embrace. He kissed the top of your head once you burrowed into his arms. "Hey, you alright, baby?"

"I'm fine. I promise. I just...I'm ready to go back. To go home, you know?"

"I know. I am too. But don't get too comfortable in California. You're gonna come live with me in Kokomo."

You giggled, tipping your face up to look at his smug expression. "Oh, I am? What if I want you to stay in Cali with me? You did say you've always wanted to live near the ocean."

"I did, didn't I?"

"Mmm...we could get a little house near the bay. Not too close to my parents though. My sister will probably fight me to try and snatch you up."

"Well, that would be the first time I've had sisters fight over me before."

You swatted his chest but he only laughed, pulling you against him again.

"You don't have to worry about your sister. I've only got eyes for you. Been that way for a while." He lightly kissed your lips, a tease of affection. "Alright, you've made a valid argument for California. I think I might be persuaded to change my mind."

"Good. As a reward, we can get a dog. Maybe call him Trigger?"

He smiled brilliantly, "Have I mentioned how much I love you, baby." He tucked your head under his. The feeling of being fully surrounded by his comforting embrace, released the tension you carried. His hand skimmed up and down your back as you just held one another. No matter the circumstances, you had always been able to find a semblance of peace while in his arms.

With Liebgott, your affections for him had felt like a shooting star. You could not help but get caught up by him, struck by the power and beauty, wishing for it to always continue on. Now though, you knew. Shooting stars never last forever. They eventually have to come down.

While with Talbert, he was your lighthouse. In your darkest moments when you did not think you could continue, he whispered words of comfort in your ear, held your bloodied hand in his. He drew you out of the quagmire of darkness, guiding you, encouraging you to keep going. Something he did every day, even now. With a soft smile, a gentle touch, he reminded you that you were not alone. From day one in Toccoa, he had stood in your corner. He was safety and stability amongst chaos. You fully trusted him, with more than just your heart.

You happened to turn your head, peeking towards the doorway. Only to see Joe staring at you, looking like he had been gutted. You met his gaze while in the arms of the man you loved and trusted. He must have lingered or came back. It did not matter though. He had heard. The idea of a place by the bay, a family dog...those were things you two had talked about before. Now they were dreams you shared with another.

After a long moment, he tucked his hands in his pockets and turned away, disappearing from view. You turned your face back into Tab's chest, heart fraying at the seams.

How was it possible for love to be the best and worst thing you had ever experienced?

#band of brothers #Band of Brothers fandom #band of brothers fanfic #band of brothers x reader #band of brothers imagine #joe liebgott #joe liebgott x reader #floyd talbert #floyd talbert x reader #mzwrites

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