#The desire to write Yo Han's breakdown when Ga On hugs him is... intense | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

amethystina · 3 months

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Hi, I hope you're doing better! I was wondering what your take would be on Yohan's reaction to Ga On if he slipped into a coma after a serious attack or something. Because obviously there would be some abyss shenanigans, but do you think he'd be split into wanting to hover and protect Ga On while he's asleep or just getting revenge? Which do you think he'd prioritise and what do you think he'd be thinking?

I also just wanted to let you know that I find your work amazing, especially Who Holds the Devil and The Gentle Light. You mention how you're worried about letting us down with it, but I think you forget how much you've already given. It's not that we're expecting something and that you could disappoint us, but it is what you do that makes us love it more. The way you think and write are incredible, as is your perspective on the characters and their interactions. Thank you so much for all your hard work and effort!

Oooooh! That's a really interesting question! I think my answer, at least when it comes to the finer nuances, would depend on a) when this happens (i.e. during or post canon), b) if they know who might be behind it (because during canon it would be easy to assume it's Jung Sun Ah or the like) and c) what their relationship is at the time (i.e. are they still just coworkers or are they in a romantic relationship).

But, in broad strokes, I think Yo Han would prioritise getting revenge. Not because he doesn't feel a need to hover — he definitely would — but because he's a pragmatic, efficient, and goal-oriented person down to his core. Meaning that as soon as it's established that Ga On is in a coma and that there's nothing Yo Han can do to help him, Yo Han will admit that his time is best spent elsewhere.

After making sure that Ga On has the best care money can buy and bodyguards to protect him, of course.

The thing about Yo Han is that he can look past his own emotions and focus on what needs to be done in a way — and on a level — that few are capable of. Which at times makes him look rather unsympathetic, sure, but is honestly one of the ways he shows concern. Like, to him, just sitting there waiting for Ga On to wake up would probably feel like an insult to Ga On and Yo Han's devotion to him. Yo Han's instincts would tell him to DO something about it instead but, since he's not a doctor, his presence in Ga On's hospital room makes no difference whatsoever. Which means he'd decide it's better for him to focus on trying to catch and punish those who hurt Ga On.

That's not to say that he also won't spend as much time as possible hovering — especially if they're in a romantic relationship. This also depends a little on where Elijah is, but I wouldn't put it past Yo Han to — after a long day of chasing the culprit — make a habit of sleeping in Ga On's hospital room instead of going back to the house. Because Yo Han HAS to sleep eventually and so he might as well do it where he has Ga On close by.

What little time he doesn't spend chasing leads and making plans, he'd spend with Ga On.

And yes, this definitely means Yo Han wouldn't really be taking all that good care of himself, neither physically nor mentally. Like, if this is post-canon and he and Ga On are in some kind of relationship? Just IMAGINE how lost Yo Han would feel. It's clear, even in the drama, that Ga On's presence reminds Yo Han to be kinder and gentler, not just to those around him but also himself. Ga On often mentions how much Yo Han grounds him in Who Holds the Devil, but he doesn't seem to realise that it's the same for Yo Han. The only difference is the way they need to be grounded and what behaviour that grounding is preventing.

And a post-canon, lovestruck Yo Han who suddenly finds himself without Ga On's gentleness and kindness to soothe and calm him?

Yeah, that won't go well.

Not in a way that Yo Han would necessarily care about, though. Or, maybe more accurately, he'd decide it's worth the sacrifice to find whoever hurt Ga On. Even if he, deep down, would know that, no, Ga On would NOT agree with that. Ga On wouldn't want him to put himself or his humanity at risk. But that's not the same as actually having Ga On there to tell him to stop.

Like, to be honest with you, I think Yo Han might even end up being extra reckless and violent because some part of him hopes that means Ga On will come back to him sooner. As if he can force Ga On to wake up simply by doing the thing he knows Ga On hates. Maybe he's even punishing Ga On a little?

"Look at what you made me do, Ga On-ah, when you're not here to stop me."

"If you don't wake up soon, I'll do something even worse."

"This is what happens when you leave me."

Which isn't reasonable (or healthy) by any means — especially for such a calm and collected person as Yo Han — but he's also a frightened, abused child who never got to develop his emotions and social skills in a good way.

He's never been in love before.

He'd be so scared.

And desperation makes us unreasonable, especially when we're afraid we might lose someone we love. He'd grasp for whatever stability he can, especially since his usual anchor isn't there anymore. He'd look fine on the outside but, on the inside, he'd be a mess. There would be fear and pain and anger and helplessness and sorrow and hope and longing. And he wouldn't really know how to deal with all of that since, at that point, he's probably gotten used to processing most of his feelings with Ga On's — knowing and unknowing — help.

Yo Han, like many children with his history, is very adept at regulating his own emotions, mainly because he had to as a survival tactic. He probably learned from a young age which ones he was allowed to show and all the other ones were suppressed until he was out of his father's reach. He's also good at reading a room since that, too, is necessary for survival in a violent household. Granted that Yo Han now mostly uses those skills to manipulate and intimidate people, but he is well aware of emotions, how to curb them, how to influence them, and how to use them to his advantage.

What he doesn't know is how to process them in a normal and healthy way. But, in the drama, we see him begin to test the waters when it comes to using Ga On as a sounding board. He says things, sees how Ga On reacts, and gets clues on how a more well-adjusted person would process that information. And I think that's something Yo Han would continue doing, bouncing his emotions off of Ga On to see what's actually a reasonable reaction.

But, more importantly, to get validation. To see, with his own eyes, that his fear, hurt, anger, pain etc. is valid. Ga On feels it too, just from hearing of Yo Han's trauma so, clearly, it mustn't be wrong for Yo Han to feel that, too. It doesn't make him weak. He's allowed to feel that way.

I think that Ga On would become Yo Han's emotional lodestar. Which I wouldn't call healthy, exactly, but what about their relationship is? x'D

ANYWAY. The delicious consequence of this is, of course, that Yo Han is left directionless and adrift, with no way to properly handle all the very intense emotions he's feeling. And that probably means that when Ga On finally wakes up again (be it weeks or months later) Yo Han will be in such a state that the moment Ga On hugs him, he'll break.

Or, well, as close to breaking as you can get when you're Kang Yo Han.

All the emotions will come rushing to the surface since his brain just recognised that the person who usually helps him deal with all of that is back and so now it's safe to let it out, right?

Yo Han vehemently disagrees, I'm sure, because he's got a reputation to uphold! And he can't just suddenly break down in his sugar baby's arms! Especially since said sugar baby just woke from a coma and is still weak! This is so inconvenient!

Unfortunately, he doesn't have much of a choice.

Sucks to be you, Yo Han.

But at least he has Ga On there to hold him, kiss him, and make it better?

SO YEAH. Something like that, I guess? I think Yo Han would be HELLA worried but is also too goal-oriented not to choose to focus on revenge. He'd probably become incredibly restless if he didn't.

Thank you so much for your kind words 💜 To be honest with you, I often forget what I've already written. Not literally (I remember it with surprising accuracy a lot of the time) but it's sometimes difficult to remember that I've already written 400k when I always have to focus on posting the next chapter and then the next chapter and then the next chapter. I rarely get the time to sit down and just revel in what I've already written? Especially since I want the story to continue just as much as the rest of you.

And while the majority of the comments are absolutely lovely, I do sometimes get ones demanding new chapters or ones questioning the choices I make in the story (especially the length). They're definitely in a minority so far, but that doesn't stop the fear that, sooner or later, they'll become the majority.

And, more than anything, I fear the moment when I'll write a bad chapter. I don't even know what would constitute a bad chapter or what I would have to do for it to become one, but I'm still afraid of it.

Which probably isn't reasonable, but since when are our anxiety brains reasonable?

So I try my best not to think about it, and receiving such kind messages as yours definitely helps. Thank you 💜 I'm so very glad to hear that you like my works, especially my takes on the characters since that is (perhaps not so surprisingly) something I put a lot of effort into and take a lot of pride in, too. I LOVE these characters and want to do them justice by writing them as best I can, even if that means the fic ends up being the behemoth it now is because they cannot move faster than a glacier x'D

So yeah. Thank you so, so much. Both for the fun question and the encouragement. It means a lot to me :)

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