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hoodwinkd1 · 3 years

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Your Eyes Whispered Ch 11-13

Ch 8 - 10 here. Ch 14 here.

Chapter 11: morning, her place

Eris jumped out of sleep the next morning, waking suddenly to the pressure of someone attempting to break down his wards. His body tensed immediately, an instinctual growl rising in his throat at the perceived threat. His mind reacted a moment later, recognizing the scent currently trying to break down the front door.

“RHIANNON HARMONY OPEN THE DAMN DOOR.” Interesting. Eris had made it this far without ever asking Rhia for her last name.

He waved a hand, removing the additional wards he had placed on the house last night. Grabbing his tunic from the chair and throwing it over his head, Eris strode downstairs just in time to watch Sofine burst into the front room.

She gave him such a ferocious glare that he froze in place without meaning to. “I suppose you’re the reason Rhia left town mysteriously for two days?”

“I, uh, yes.” Eris really wasn’t used to anyone scolding him. “Rhia helped me out with a...situation at the palace. Coffee?”

He vaguely remembered Rhia owed him a thought from last night. All this relaxation and peace had done some damage on his sharp, cunning mind.

Sofine’s eyes widened momentarily. Whether she was surprised at the gesture or suddenly remembering who she was scolding, her tone calmed considerably. “She keeps the beans above the stove, if you didn’t know.”

Eris nodded, accepting the small olive branch she offered. He lit the front burner with a flick of his pointer finger while filling the kettle under the tap with a flex of his other hand. The movements came quickly, naturally, and some of the tension left his body at the small expulsions of magic.

Quick footsteps skittered to a stop at the bottom of the stairs as the love of his life took in the scene in front of her. Shit. Eris’ thoughts had become pathetic and obsessive without his permission. He would have scowled if the sight of Rhia treading into the kitchen nervously hadn’t been so damn endearing.

“Shit, Sofi, I’m sorry.” Rhia embraced her friend tightly. “I didn’t mean to leave so abruptly; you must have been so worried.”

Sofine laughed softly, kissing the top of her head. “Oh I was very calm. Other than yelling at the High Lord first thing this morning.”

“I’m sure he deserved it,” Rhia hummed. She then made her way towards Eris, who finished steeping the beans at exactly the right second, handing her a steaming cup of coffee as she reached him. “What did you do?”

“Other than drag you into my mess?” Eris inquired, repressing the bolt of guilt that shot through him at the idea of Rhia in danger at the palace. “I placed additional wards up last night.” He looked over her head at Sofine. “I’ll make sure to include you in them next time.”

Rhia raised an eyebrow. “Who gave you permission to place them in the first place?”

Eris noted her light tone and twinkling eyes. “You tried to break into the most heavily guarded building in the Autumn Court yesterday and branded yourself as an enemy to the crown. What if someone tries to arrest you for that again?”

“Rhia,” Sofine gasped. “You tried to break into the palace?” Swiveling her glare to Eris, she demanded: “Why didn’t you let her in?”

At least she was scolding them both now. Eris held his hands up in surrender. “I didn’t know she was there!”

“And I didn’t try to break in, I actually did break in,” Rhia grumbled. “You should really upgrade the security on the eastern external wall.”

Sofine huffed. “Will you both disagree on every little detail? I want the full story.” She sat herself down at the kitchen table, making a big show of getting comfortably situated. “I have time.”

Eris sensed that now would be a lovely time to retreat and leave Rhia to her own devices. “I have to return to the palace and the horrors of bureaucracy.” He leaned forward, giving Rhia half a second to adjust to his closeness, before placing a chaste kiss on her lips. Her mouth upturned into a small smile, one he wished he could spend hours exploring. “I’ll come back when I can, good?”

“Very good,” she replied. “I expect a full report of our Court’s political situation when you return.”

Eris sighed dramatically. “If you insist.” He waved to Sofine. “I hope you won’t be too disappointed in my abilities after hearing the full story.”

“To be determined.” Her face flushed lightly, a female still unused to the High Lord’s presence, but he only felt gratitude at her attempts to treat him as normal as possible.

Eris blinked and appeared in his chambers, taking a minute to change his clothing and wash his face. He uttered some choice words at the pile of paperwork littering his desk, rifling through the to-do lists, save-the-dates, business contracts, and personal correspondences to see if any of it required his immediate attention.

One of his spies, Jyn, had sent him a list of potential candidates to fill the vacant adviser roles that Eris skimmed quickly. He had a half-baked plan forming in his mind to let people vote on the Fae listed on the sheet, maybe even ensuring that each region had specific representation. Gerwin had helped him draft a few new pieces of legislation that Eris would announce during the Autumnal Equinox ball, so one more shouldn’t cause any additional havoc.

“Fuck,” Eris swore again, remembering that his Court’s largest annual celebration was only a fortnight away and he had no idea what the hell was going on with the event.

He already wanted to check on his mother and Liang would know the most about the upcoming celebrations. Two birds, one awkward acknowledgement that they shared a bedroom.

Eris walked down the corridor, stopping to chat with one of the servants to make sure everyone on staff last night had received additional pay for working through an attempted coup. The slender male named Yuri had confirmed that the throne room was completely cleaned of any body parts and that to his knowledge, everyone had gotten the money before heading home.

The Lady of the Autumn Court lived in a different wing of the palace than her husband and sons had, a different wing than where Eris now lived basically alone. As he approached the white double doors, he ignored the urge to open the door automatically and knocked instead.

“Yes?” His mother’s tone was curious and wary, until she laid eyes on him. “Oh, darling! Come in, come in.”

Eris followed her inside, observing how much lighter and joyful she seemed in the glow of day. Her decorations had always used softer colors and more patterns than typical Autumn design; even the gold that adorned the soft blue curtains looked brighter than the gold that detailed his traditional red decor.

“How are you?” he inquired. “Did the healers take a look at you last night?”

She herded him over to the seating area. “Yes, and you have nothing to worry about. I wasn’t harmed by the Night Court.” Eris let out a deep exhale. He hadn’t known how to delicately ask what she’d experienced in captivity, and her warm gaze confirmed that she hadn’t been tortured. “I might not be feared or even respected by the other Courts, but Keir knows exactly who my allies are. And who my family is.”

“If Rhysand hadn’t finally taken care of the trash ruining his terrority, there would have been a list of us ready to kill Keir for him,” Liang grumbled, joining them from the bedroom. “Eris.”

He returned her nod. “Thank you for insisting on the healers.” Eris turned his body to face her more directly. “I actually had a question for you, as well. The Autumnal Ball is supposed to be in two weeks and I--”

“Hadn’t planned anything for it?” Liang teased. “Not to worry. The High Lord typically shows little to no interest in the event planning.” Her words had a bitter edge to them, and Eris knew he wasn’t the High Lord she spoke of. “I can send details to your rooms later today for your approval.”

Eris held his hands up. “I trust your judgement much more than my own. I would be interested in seeing the plans, though, just for my own knowledge.”

“Of course. I’ll at least want your opinion on the guest list, make sure I didn't’ miss anyone important.” Liang sat next to his mother, who raised an eyebrow.

“Is there anyone she wouldn’t have thought to invite, darling?” she asked innocently. “Do you have any new friends we don’t know about?”

Her words made him feel like an adolescent. “You know I don’t have friends. But I might send invitations to the other High Lords; see if they’d like to send a delegation.”

“Just let me or my assistant know if anyone needs to be seated separately to avoid a fight,” Liang offered. “We have over a thousand guests confirmed, so a few more won’t require much adjustment.”

Eris’ eyes bulged out of his head. “A thousand? Where did you find that many fucking people?”

“Language,” his mother admonished. “And we’ve always had a large attendance, though never quite this large.” She grinned at him. “I believe the host might be a bit more popular this year than in previous years.”

He fell into his thoughts as the two females ordered tea and went through some of the other details with him over the next hour. The annual ball was one of the only events that sent out a certain number of tickets to each regional capital, instead of inviting specific Fae individually. During Beron’s reign, only the required attendees who sat in governing roles showed up, but almost all of the optional invitations had been reserved this year with family members, friends, and colleagues. Eris hoped that meant his Court felt more comfortable with him than his father, and not that they all wanted a front-row seat to his inevitable failure or demise.

Liang sent him off with a few blank invitations, spelled to deliver themselves immediately after being addressed. He stopped by his rooms and scrawled out all the High Lords’ names, except for the Night Court’s which he addressed to Carina. She probably wouldn’t throw his letter directly in the fire. He also added a personal note, letting her know that he still owed her a very fancy dress for her help in finding his mother, offering to send his best tailor her measurements if she wanted to call in that deal.

Either through a simple mistake or a stroke of ingenuity, Liang had handed him 7 invitations, leaving Eris an extra blank one. Inspiration hit him like a brick. Rhia.

Would she want to come? See him in his role? Watch the entire fucking island scrutinize him? Normally, Eris would have let his thoughts swirl in a self-deprecating river until he’d talked himself out of the idea. He chose to stop himself this time, however, and practice healthy communication by just asking her.

Would they be able to hide their bond at such a large event? Any daemati would know, if they didn’t maintain their mental shields perfectly the entire time. The thought of hiding his feelings for Rhia, avoiding her gaze and looking at anyone else when perfection was right in front of him, drew a low growl from his lips. For her safety, though, he would do anything. Even if acting like he didn’t care felt so uniquely miserable.

Carina’s response drew him out of his thoughts. Cauldron, he was getting irrationally dismal in his old age. Maybe that was a side effect of patricide.

He snorted internally at the bleak joke.

Of course I’ll be there, idiot. Bryce is coming too. Something about how I never have any regard for my own safety blah blah blah. I’ve attached detailed instructions for your tailor, and I’ll be bringing a backup gown in case it’s not up to my standard. I have a reputation to uphold.

Eris let relief wash over him that he’d have at least one ally present. At the mention of Carina’s mate, he considered asking her for help with the whole mess of emotions that he went through daily. At the very least, she was one of the very few people in Prythian who understood the dangers of power, the sharpness of panic that came with putting loved ones in danger from enemies that normally wouldn’t spare them a second glance.

Hours of meetings and too many decisions stood between Eris and sitting in his favorite chair in a too-small kitchen. He gave himself one minute to hope that the violent chapters of his life had closed permanently, gave himself one minute to dream of what happiness and peace might actually look like, before re-entering his role as High Lord.

Chapter 12: spent their whole lives trying to put it into words

One small TW for abuse (past, nothing graphic). I've put the usually XXX before and after, but as always please let me know if I can make these warnings better and if you want a summary of that section.

“Hold that position. Yes! Exactly like that!” Rhia gasped. Her cheeks were flushed with excitement

Her student’s tiny arms began to tremble slightly at the exertion. Aliar’s face remained focused, however, as he used his leg muscles to push the wave of water higher and higher, until it touched the ceiling.

He dropped it suddenly. “Was that good?”

Rhia grinned. “That was wonderful . Did you see how much higher you raised it using your entire body instead of just your arms?”

He nodded quickly, a slow smile building on his face. Much quieter than the other two students he trained with, Aliar’s smile was equivalent to jumping with joy.

“Go grab some water, then you all can stretch and go home.” Rhia herded the trio of younglings toward the counter dividing the studio and her kitchen, where she always laid out a pitcher and cups. Raquel immediately stole Aliar’s attention, bestowing compliments and advice all in the same breath, at a speed too fast for anyone to follow along. They had a few more weeks before they would master water, all three of them did, but had made good progress nonetheless.

Rhia shuffled past Leyora carefully, from where the female had begun stretching in the most inconvenient spot, towards the dining room table. She eyed the blank parchment sitting there. The memory of the last time she had been waiting for a message from Eris while teaching this same trio hurt to recall, but she shook off any negative thoughts. Today had been good, her sleep undisturbed and her breathing easy.

It’s only been a day, she chided herself mentally. Give him time to respond, you needy wench.

“What is that?” Raquel demanded. Rhia barely stopped herself from jumping at their voice and shoved her hand away from the parchment. “Are you being sneaky with something?”

“What?” Rhia replied. “I’m an adult. I don’t have to sneak anything.”

Leyora raised her eyebrows. “Sounds like something a sneaky person would say.” Alair humphed in agreement.

“You’re all menaces. Raquel, finish your water.” Children could be eerily perceptive when they wanted to, usually when adults didn’t want them to.

As they grabbed their coats and ambled out, weather already turning gloomy before the Solstice, Rhia watched them go with a strange bittersweet feeling. Would she continue teaching if she became Lady--

Shit. That was not a road she had ever gone down and certainly didn’t need to go down. As if she would ever officially court Eris, nonetheless marry him when they hadn’t done anything more than kissing yet. When they still hadn’t talked through their pasts, their hopes, their darknesses.

Still, the thought lingered.

Rhia busied herself with making dinner as the sun set, drawing graceful golden designs on the walls. She sensed Sofine coming up to her door, grabbing two wine glasses as the Fae burst into the room.

“You read my mind,” she purred. Her gaze turned flirtatious as she noticed the wine Rhia had selected. “Feeling fancy tonight, are we? Expecting special guests?”

Rhia clicked her tongue. “You’re special enough for a nice bottle of wine. Sit, sit.”

Telling Sofi the full story, including how the mating bond had shared the agony of Eris’ stab wound, hadn’t been fun. Rhia had let her friend scold her, had let Sofi get out all of the frustration and worry she felt. Of course they both hoped that being Eris’ mate wouldn’t put Rhia in harm again, but the ordeal had created an entirely new set of anxieties.

So tonight, they stuck to pleasant topics. Rhia’s students, Sofine’s attempts to make a new kind of bread (Rhia secretly wondered how one could create a new kind of bread, but didn’t question it). The roasted vegetables turned out perfectly, a lucky feat when one’s best friend could cook better than anyone for miles.

And of course, the parchment glowed at exactly the wrong moment when Rhia had turned her back to bring the dishes to the sink. She heard Sofi’s gasp and whipped her head around, groaning when she saw her reading whatever message Eris had just sent.

“I’m a bit scandalized.” Sofi winked. “Is he always this dirty?”

Rhia gaped. “What the fuck? Give me that!” She moved at the speed of light, snatching the paper.

May I stop by tonight?

“Ugh, you’re such a bitch,” Rhia grumbled.

Sofine shrugged. “You should’ve seen your face. Maybe you wanted it to be a dirty message.”

That was the problem. Rhia would have loved a dirty message. Or she would have run screaming for the hills and never spoken to anyone ever again. It was a toss up.

“Do you mind if he crashes our plans?” she asked, stopping her perilous thoughts once more. Eris had never looked at her that way, at least not that she had noticed.

Sofi waved her glass of wine like a queen would her scepter. “Please. We hang out every other night. The male presence spices up the evening.”

If you don’t mind Sofi and I after two glasses of wine, Rhia wrote back.

Excellent. Shall I bring something from the royal cellar or do you have more than enough alcohol?

Oh definitely bring something. A fruity red, if you really want to win her over.

She couldn’t have counted to thirty in the time it took for Eris to appear in the kitchen.

“How did you possibly grab wine and winnow here that quickly?” Rhia demanded.

Eris shrugged. “I’m incredible like that.”

“Or he was sitting in the wine cellar, waiting to drown his sorrows if you said no,” Sofine piped up. Her cheeks flushed. “Sorry, I’m still not sure if I’m allowed to treat you normally and such.”

“Please,” Eris smiled. “Put me through all the shit you would normally put a male through.” With a mischievous look at Rhia, he added: “And feel free to tell me about those males while you’re at it.”

Rhia snatched the bottle from him. “Absolutely not.” She checked the label. “Cauldron damn me, this is 600 years old! Wait -- Eris, when exactly were you born?”

“I will not be age-shamed after procuring some of the finest wine in Autumn tonight,” he growled. “You know damn well how old I am.”

Sofine sighed. “I hope I’m not that grumpy in four hundred years.” She raised her now-empty glass up to Rhia, who gladly filled it.

---

Eris flicked his wrist and pulled out a glass for himself, then threw his body into the unoccupied chair. He let out a mock sigh at the females’ teasing, hiding his genuine joy at the playful conversation and quick remarks that flew across the room.

XXX

“I’m never throwing myself a birthday party again,” he insisted. “It’s just depressing at this point. I would’ve stopped throwing them years ago, if we hadn’t been...required to.” Eris trailed off. He’d almost shared the darling fact that Beron had forced all of his sons to host birthday galas, as an excuse to demand gifts and promises from various lords and nobility. Beron also loved nothing more than to use the annual occurrence as an excuse to run through the boys’ failures that year. The harsh words stung, but the sharp blows that followed drew a special kind of agony.

XXX

Rhia’s brow furrowed slightly at his sudden change in tone. “I throw too many birthdays for my students anyway.” He appreciated her attempt to lighten the mood, and appreciated the warmth of her hand on his that followed.

“That reminds me.” Eris squeezed her hand quickly, the other darting into his jacket pocket. “I have something for you. Both of you.” Inspiration struck as he handed the ball invitation to Rhia.

Her eyes danced across the sturdy parchment. “The Autumn Solstice Ball? In two weeks?”

Sofine jumped up. “What? Give me that!” She squealed as she read what Rhia had just spoken. “By the Mother, Eris!! Oh, you are such an improvement on anyone Rhia’s brought home.”

“Sofi’s always wanted to attend a ball,” Rhia shared. Eris tried to judge her expression, but he couldn’t figure out what she was thinking.

“And you? Would you be interested in attending?” he probed. “I, I know it might be complicated for you to attend with the whole...situation.” He gestured between the two of them. “We can do this any way you’d like.”

Rhia worked her bottom lip between her teeth. “I want to, I really do.” Eris had to restrain himself from running his thumb over her forehead until the skin relaxed. “I’m worried people will know, but I’m also exhausted already at the thought of hiding it all night, but I know it’d be strange for you to pop up with a mate randomly, and I--”

“I have an idea,” Sofine interrupted. Her eyes narrowed as her brain doubtlessly worked out some scheme that Eris would either detest or fancy. “It would save you both some trouble. You wouldn’t have to hide your feelings, but you wouldn’t have to come up with a backstory about how you met.”

Oh, Eris would definitely love or hate this.

Sofine took a sip of her wine. “Spit it out, you dramatic tart,” Rhia complained after a moment.

“Write your own fairytale.” Sofi let a smirk play on her lips. “Pretend like you’ve never met, as if Rhia and I just received the invitations through some mistake or some administrative process. And then at the ball, poof! The bond.”

Eris let her words run through his mind once, twice. “You think we should act like the bond clicked into place...at the ball?”

Shrugging, she defended her plan. “I can’t say whether or not you both want to bring your relationship into the public domain, but it would be wonderful, wouldn’t it?” Eris would have snorted at the dreamy look in her eyes if he hadn’t gotten the same look whenever he thought about a future with Rhia. “The new High Lord...hosting an extravagant ball...seeing the most beautiful woman grace his presence...falling love with her-”

“Cauldron, Sofi, are you a writer now?” Rhia stopped her friend from writing an entire novel aloud. Her gaze darted to Eris. “It feels a bit over-the-top, though.”

“I hate to even say this, because you know it isn’t a priority for me, but Gerwin would murder me if I didn’t consider how good of a public relations boost this could be.” Eris winced. It felt unbelievably shallow and inconsiderate to worry about his reputation while discussing his most intimate relationship.

Luckily, Rhia waved off his concerns with a hand on his arm. “Well maybe that’s something I care about.” She turned to her friend. “Do you mind giving us a moment?”

“I’ll give you all night,” Sofi smirked. “Take all the time you need to...talk. Bye!”

Her joke left them both groaning. However, Eris did take advantage of Sofi’s absence to pull Rhia away from the table and towards the much comfier couch across the room. She sat facing him, tucking her legs underneath her as she always did.

“Can I?” Eris stretched out his arm. Rhia gave him the softest smile and nodded, pulling herself closer until they were properly cuddled up next to each other.

“We obviously don’t have to this,” Eris began. “There’s ten other ways you could attend, not attend, whatever you want.”

She scrunched up her face. “Don’t ever repeat this, especially not to Sofi, but I’m completely in love with the idea,’ Rhia confessed. “It’s so silly, I know, but it feels nice to create some fake story. We could keep everything else private.”

Eris loved the idea for entirely different reasons, pretty much of all of them that he would get to dance with the most delightful Fae in this world in front of everyone without having to explain himself to anyone. However, he could work with this.

“So then? Should we do this?”

Rhia rolled her eyes. “Why does it feel like I’m signing my life away to some top-secret mission? Yes, let’s do it.”

He stayed over again that night, except this time they stayed awake talking until an obscene hour. Eris fell asleep with images of their future lulling him into peace.

Chapter 13: your eyes whispered (have we met) take 2

Eris threw himself on his bed, letting out a dramatic sigh that no one could hear. It had been a week and a half of pure stress that saw every kind of crisis, from interviewing potential advisers that ended up having criminal backgrounds to finding out the ballroom floor had somehow deteriorated and needed a fix immediately. Now, the day before the Solstice, Eris found himself wishing Auster had succeeded in his coup, if only for the fact that dealing with these logistics seemed a fitting punishment for treason.

His thoughts, as always, drifted to Rhia. They’d only had a couple nights together since, and Eris had to run back to the palace both times after a couple hours. The last interruption came at a particularly inopportune moment, right as he finished telling her the story of his darkest moment.

“Fuck,” Eris swore. Gerwin’s note made it clear, in no uncertain terms, that he had to come deal with a fight that broke out between some of his people. “I--”

“Go deal with it,” Rhia commanded, her voice unnaturally calm.

Eris let out a loose breath. He had literally just told her about Mor, about leaving a dying woman alone in the woods rather than offer her any aid because she had dared defy their fathers. “I don’t want to leave like this.”

Rhia hadn’t dropped her gaze at any point during the conversation and held his stare even now. “Are you worried that you’ve upset me beyond reproach? That this conversation is my breaking point?”

“Maybe.” He broke first, using the excuse of throwing on his coat to look away. “It’s what isolated the Autumn and Night Court permanently; why the precious Inner Circle will never tolerate me beyond my usefulness as an ally.”

Rhia snorted. “If we had more time, I’d spend all of it convincing you that this most certainly is not my breaking point. But we don’t.” She moved closer into his personal space. “So go deal with your drama and I’ll prove to you that the bridge between us is unbreakable another time.”

She always complained about his cheesy one-liners, but that sentence had carried him through the entire evening and subsequent morning. It wasn’t until that night, until he lay in his bed alone, that doubt began creeping in.

Eris’s mind raged a violent battle. The logical, rational part of him argued that Rhia had insisted they were fine, insisted she wasn’t upset at him. The dark, twisted part of him sneered at that optimism, insisted that she would never look at him again. Why would she, after hearing about his tragic engagement? After all, Rhia looked up to the Inner Circle as if they were deities, the same people who declared Eris a mortal enemy.

Sleep finally stole him from his painful journey through his memories, but his dreams offered little comfort. They swept him from memories of kisses and laughter to visions of tragedy and heartbreak at terrifying speeds.

---

Rhia finished her cup of tea. Sofi stood in front of her, buzzing with excitement, as they both eyed the sheer bags in front of them.

“I can’t stand it anymore,” Sofi declared, throwing her hands up in an overly dramatic gesture. “I’m opening them.”

She untied the lovely ribbon keeping their gowns wrapped in the protective shields before Rhia could protest. “Oh my goodness, Rhia, look .”

“Treya outdid herself,” Rhia agreed. One of her student’s guardians had offered to make them dresses for the Ball for a heavily discounted price, claiming that she had overstocked on specialty fabrics that weren’t selling.

She ran a hand softly over the gold silk. It felt luxurious, obscenely so, and Rhia found herself questioning if she deserved this. Not just the dress, but the entire situation. After so many years stuck in one place, doing one job, with basically one friend, the thought of changing her life overnight seemed beyond daunting. For Eris, though, she would try to step out of her comfort zone.

If only I could step far enough out of my comfort zone to jump his bones, Rhia thought to herself, half-humorously and half-miserable.

Sofi played with the straps of her sparkling red gown. “Where did you go just now?”

“Just wondering how the hell I got here,” Rhia answered. They played this game whenever either drifted too far into their own heads, a way to mindfully reenter the present. “It’s like a fantasy, isn’t it? Finding true love and prince overnight.”

Her tone must have struck bitter, because Sofi stopped admiring the fabric and looked her dead in the eye. “What are you worried about? That you don’t deserve this?”

“Yes, but it’s not...” Rhia fiddled with her gown once more. “We’ve talked a lot about what our life after tonight will look like, and it’s not like we’re about to get married or anything, but is it strange that I wish we were further along in our relationship? How can we just declare ourselves to the entire damn continent at this point?”

Sofi raised an eyebrow. “I would say this is a completely normal stage to tell your circle of people about a relationship. Eris’ circle just happens to include the general public.” She refilled her own mug, then froze. “When you say further along, you don’t mean sex, do you?”

“And what if I do?” Rhia challenged. Her cheeks flushed a bit. It’s not as if Sofi hadn’t seen her at her worst moments and through every failed relationship since, but this admission felt more embarrassing, for some reason. “I’m about to meet his mother and we’ve barely felt each other up.”

One beat of silence, then:

“I’m sorry,” Sofi cackled. “What is your logic here?” Her laughter grew as Rhia frowned, making her words difficult to decipher. “‘Hey Eris! I know everything’s just peachy emotionally, but I can’t go public with you until we’ve fucked!’ Rhia, you’re smarter than this.”

Rhia was smarter than this. “It sounds worse when you say it like that! I just...I’ve never waited this long before and it feels like I’m failing somehow.”

Sofi stopped giggling. “Hey,” she said softly. “You can’t compare relationships, or males, or even yourself in different situations. You’re happier than I’ve ever seen you, and that’s all that matters.”

“I am,” Rhia agreed. She took a deep breath, letting her thoughts settle. “I am, and you’re right.” Saying it out loud had helped calm the tornado of insecurities, helped her realize the fallacy of her worries. “Honestly, I think it’s a good sign we both overthink every tiny thing. As if we’re both terrified to damage what we have.”

Her friend clicked her tongue. “As long as that overthinking doesn’t create any damages itself.”

---

Eris was definitely overthinking their plan. Rhia had written him a short note about an hour ago, letting him know that her gown was perfect and she couldn’t wait. Somehow, her simple positivity had sent Eris into a swirl of anxiety that led him to interrogate Liang about every last logistical element.

“You’re hovering,” she snapped, as he followed her down the hallway. “Why are you asking me about the greeting line? You’ve done it a hundred times.”

Eris usually found her temper refreshing. Not today, though. “Yes, but we don’t normally greet everyone. How long will I be in line?”

Liang gave him a bemused look. “I don’t know, thirty minutes? How chatty do you plan to be? And it’s only for the appointed representatives from each village, like every single other time.” She turned sharply, narrowly avoiding a group of Fae carrying large trays of food to the main hall.

“Don’t follow me,” she called out, not bothering to turn her head to look back at her High Lord. Eris stopped walking, but still heard her mumble several profanities under her breath.

He ran a hand through his hair. Somehow, he had to conclude official introductions and make it into the main party before Rhia showed up, so their “first-glance” would seem authentic, without offending any local politicians by cutting their discussions short. If dinner began too soon, they’d have to wait for dancing, but would it even make sense to lock eyes after two hours at the Ball?

“Pull yourself together,” he mumbled to himself. Eris hated feeling out of control, but he simply couldn’t force a thousand people to move exactly how he wanted.

The plan stressed him out immensely, yet would provide political protection for their relationship. Technically, the law required Eris to disclose any “personal liaisons” to the palace staff and advisers, for security reasons and to allow advisers to approve any potential marriages. He obviously hadn’t done that under Beron to protect his lovers, and really didn’t want anyone saying a damn thing about his future spouse. Luckily, Prythian held mating bonds in the highest regard, and no one would dare say shit about him and Rhia, especially if the bond seemed to appear at an auspicious time of year.

“Talking to yourself now? I heard that’s a sign of mental exhaustion.” Eris turned to face his brother. “Why aren’t you up in your chambers getting pampered and prepared?” Lucien asked.

“I’m going there now,” Eris grumbled. “I was checking on any last minute issues.”

Lucien placed a hand on his shoulder. “How dedicated. Funny story, though, I had only just stepped into the entrance hall when Mother accosted me and demanded I send you back to your chambers.” He let out a small chuckle. “I believe the words ‘nuisance’ and ‘in the way’ were used.”

“It’s my party. I think I’m allowed to help out-”

“You don’t give a shit about event planning,” Lucien interrupted. “Go do your hair and make yourself pretty for your...special guest.”

Eris started. He hadn’t mentioned anything to his brother about Rhia. “What are you talking about?”

Lucien stepped back and put his hands in his pockets. The prick had spent way too much time in the Night Court. “Only that Carina seemed a little too excited for you. Anyways.”

Eris watched him walk away. Of course she had blabbed to his brother, probably immediately after Eris had confided in her last week. She was dogmatically good at keeping secrets when necessary, but notoriously good at gossiping about personal matters.

Still, he winnowed to his chambers and started a bath. His hair did look a bit a shabby, now that Lucien mentioned it.

----

The trees lining the cobblestone path twinkled with golden light, leading the way to the palace. Rhia and Sofi did their best not to gape at the scenery, at everything from the decorations to the masses of people. While they both had visited cities before Amarantha’s reign, the influx of sounds and sights overwhelmed their small-town sensibilities.

Rhia craned her neck to observe the massive double doors that were flung open to allow entrance. “Do they truly leave the doors open all night? Seems dangerous with all these crowds.”

“The only Fae who might break in has an invitation tonight,” Sofi snorted. She nodded at the thick parchment in Rhia’s hand. “Don’t even think about scaling the west wall.”

“East wall,” Rhia corrected automatically. Her heart had begun to race as they neared the doors, the entrance hall now visible over the other guests’ heads. The guards worked efficiently, splitting the crowd into three lines to check their invitations and scan for weapons.

The duo exchanged no further words until they reached the checkpoint. The guard let them through with no hassle, and Rhia let out a small breath. She didn’t expect to be denied entry or thrown in a prison cell, but her last encounter with palace guards had tainted her memory. Hopefully none of the members on staff tonight had arrested her previously.

“He certainly has taste, you think?” Sofi commented as they swept down the spacious hallway. Rhia nodded, enjoying the bright colors of the Autumn Court represented on ornate curtains, plush carpet, and detailed murals. On another occasion, she might have taken her time to admire the artwork like the other guests, but Rhia dragged Sofi quickly through them, with only one beautiful thing on her mind.

An extremely tall Fae stood at the end of the hall, in front of another set of large doors. Unfortunately, these were closed shut.

Rhia frowned at the sight. “Did we have the time wrong?”

“Oh, they just have to finish up the greeting line.” Rhia and Sofi jumped at the sudden comment. “They should open them shortly.”

Rhia grinned when she recognized the Fae next to her. “Gerwin! What are you doing out here with the rabble?” She placed a hand on Sofi’s wrist. “This is my dearest friend, Sofi. Sofi, this is Eris’ weapon master and all-around savior, Gerwin.”

He bowed slightly. “May I get that glowing compliment in writing? Pleased to meet you.”

Sofi laughed. “Likewise. I always think it’s good to know someone who knows where all the weapons are, in case of emergency.”

“The doors are now open,” droned the lanky Fae. Indeed, they swung open slowly behind him, revealing orchestral music and overlapping conversation. Gerwin shot them a quick wink and entered first, careful to act like a friendly stranger rather than an insider on the biggest secret of the year.

“Are you ready?” Sofi whispered under her breath. She slid her hand into Rhia’s, giving it a quick squeeze. “Last chance to run for the hills.”

Rhia scoffed. “Keep walking.” She forced her breath to come out evenly, slowly, hoping her body wouldn’t betray her by fainting before she even saw him.

The lights seemed even brighter, the music swelling to unprecedented volume, as she took those final steps into the ballroom, her eyes darting across all the irrelevant people and things. She only wanted to look at one person, only wanted to think of one thing tonight.

And then her eyes met his.

---

“Do you think you’ll make a trip to the Southern cities this winter? I spoke with the company maintaining your Milton estate, and it couldn’t be in better condition.” The dark-skinned representative beamed.

Eris attempted to return his enthusiasm. “Possibly. There’s still quite a bit of work to do around here. Thank you for coming.”

“Of course, my Lord. Have a wonderful evening.” As the Fae moved towards the dance floor, Eris dared to look back at the closed doors behind him. The official representatives had been let in forty minutes ago, and finally, he could see the end of the greeting line. If he could get through the next two conversations without screaming in frustration, he’d treat himself to the largest drink he could physically hold. Unless she arrived before he made it to the bar, then he’d settle on treating himself with a dance with the love of his life.

“The doors are now open.” The doormale’s voice sent a shot of adrenaline through Eris’ blood, grabbing his attention from the last group of dignitaries from the Dawn Court. His mother’s smile tightened, but her face remained diplomatic as she took over the greeting from her distracted son.

Eris strode away from the politicians and foreigners, away from his role as High Lord. As he walked, his prior thoughts and insecurities rose like a cloud of poison, choking him with doubt. This was the last time he could dream about what would happen when they saw each other’s faces again, the last time he could wonder if she’d come to brighten up his dull palatial life. The last time he could hate himself for offering her a choice to stand by him publicly, as if that wouldn’t put her in danger of scorn and harm.

Eris could barely breathe as he approached the edge of the dance floor. The string octet transitioned to louder music, meant to pull the crowds to their feet and into the arms of a partner. The first line of general guests darted in, chatting excitedly about the extravagance and the notable Fae already in the room.

He truly did stop breathing the moment he saw the tail of a silk golden gown. His eyes raked up the flowing skirt, small sections twisted into rose-like shapes until they reached the tight bodice. Then, his eyes devoured the low neckline and bare shoulders, stopping to note the one sleeve slipping down a smooth, brown arm, mocking the hand he wished to brush down that same arm.

Finally, after several seconds or an eternity, his eyes locked in on the most beautiful face he would ever see. Eris prayed to the Mother that he wouldn’t slip out of consciousness in that moment, when he looked his unbelievably perfect mate in the eye.

Rhia offered him the smallest smile, her hands rising to sit delicately at her stomach. She took a step towards him and--

Eris held back a snarl when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Gerwin mumbled an apology.

“You were standing so still that even I believe this was the moment the bond clicked in,” the weapons master remarked. “I think about half the room has noticed so far.”

“Good.” Eris turned back towards her, towards the angel he would never deserve. And yet, his doubts had completely vanished in her presence, leaving behind only the desire to hold her immediately. “I want them all to see this.”

With a final grin to his best friend, Eris walked across the floor. Fae jumped out of his way, and the gossip increased by a tenfold at his determined pace.

Sofi stood proudly next to her, failing to hold back her grin. She leaned over to whisper something in Rhia’s ear that Eris barely managed to catch. “I think you’ve caught someone’s attention.”

He was now close enough to inhale her scent. Cauldron, he must look like a besotted fool. Luckily, that was his role to play.

“My Lord.” Sofi bowed. Eris shot her a glance that might have appeared disdained to onlookers. She pursed her lips to hold back laughter.

“Have we met?” Eris asked. His tone came off light, casual, hiding the turmoil of love and desire flooding him. “You are absolutely enchanting.”

Rhia blushed and he almost gave in, almost kissed that blush right off her cheeks. “I haven’t had the honor, my Lord.”

“Eris,” he breathed. “To you, always Eris.”

“Rhiannon,” she countered. “Rhia, if you’d like.”

He held out a hand. “Will you do me the honor?”

She took it, and the warmth of her skin blazed across his body. Eris led them out to the dance floor, which had emptied in his journey across it.

The musicians changed their tune mid-note, slowing the tune down until a sweet, romantic song claimed the room. A few cautious couples stepped out from the edges of the crowd, but most of the room stood completely still and held their breaths, straining to figure out who had stolen their High Lord so abruptly.

Eris pulled Rhia close with one hand on her waist, keeping the touch gentle for her comfort. Their intertwined hands rose as their feet moved.

“Why aren’t they dancing?” she asked nervously.

“Don’t look at them. Look at me,” Eris urged. “It’s an old Court tradition, letting the highest ranking nobles have the first dance. They’ll join soon.”

“Why did you ask me to dance?”

He smiled at the question. She was still playing the game. “You must know that you’re the most flawless person in this room. I was wonderstruck.”

That beautiful blush appeared again. “I’ll guess you didn’t pass any mirrors on the way down here, then. I can’t take my eyes off of you.” The hand on his shoulder flexed as Rhia dared to let one finger brush his neck. He shivered.

“Please tell me you felt it too.” Eris’ instincts kept them from crashing into other dancers, since his eyes couldn’t be bothered to leave her face. “Tell me I’m not alone here.”

Passerbyers heard that one. His words spread across the crowd, the gossip faster than his flames ever could.

“Everything vanished when I saw your face,” Rhia replied. Her tone softened, her head tilted. “Yes, I felt it.” She leaned in, lips brushing his ear. “You’ll never be alone again, my love.” The words were murmured too softly for anyone else, an admission that was for him alone.

Gerwin would never let him forget it if he cried in front of everyone, so Eris swallowed back the rage of emotions in his throat. “Thank the Cauldron. Literally, since you’re my-”

A roar of thunder shattered the room, followed by a flash of darkness right in the center of the floor, several feet from where they stood. Some guests screamed, and the guards surged, but Eris merely sighed and held up a hand.

The night black vanished, leaving behind an unfairly attractive couple. The female waved to the crowd, flipping a lock of her raven hair over her shoulder. Her partner stood impassively next to her, his Illyrian wings marking him as obviously other.

Eris inclined his head. “Thank you for coming, Carina.”

#acotar #sjm #eris #eris vanserra #acosf #autumn court #ballgowns #dancing #all the good stuff

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supersecure-blog · 5 years

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Something awesome: progress update

Feeling sleepy...

From the time of my last blogpost, till now (11:15pm) I’ve been working on writing the first chapter of my how-to-guide which mainly covers an introduction to programming for beginner students. I’ve also included the writeups to picoCTF challenges which I have previously completed for the appropriate module

I’ve written about 1.5k words, which for those who are interested can be read below.

Before we begin…

Introduction to programming

A key skill to learn before we dive head-first into the other concepts covered in this guide, we should probably first learn about our environment!

For those who think ‘airport’ when they hear the word terminal or ‘snail’ when they hear the word shell, you should definitely read this part before getting started with any of the other modules. For those who are already quite confident with navigating their way through the Linux environment, feel free to skip ahead!

Let’s start with a quick summary of some of the key things you should know:

What is a terminal?

The terminal is the main way that we, as users, interact with the computer. It normally looks like a black screen with white font. To uss the terminal, you type in specific commands which the computer interprets in order to run certain operations.

Of course, in order to use the terminal you have to know the commands!

Some basic terminal commands:

I like to compare using the terminal like using a normal file explorer. We double-click

folders (also called directories) to enter them, and double-clicking files opens them. We can create new folders, new files by right-clicking then pressing the appropriate button. All of this can be done through the terminal - you just have to know the right commands.

cd - stands for ‘change directory’. This command is used like ‘cd <name-of-directory>’ in order to change into the specified directory

If you just type in cd or ‘cd ~’ you should change to your home directory

You can use ‘cd ..’ to change into the previous directory you were in

pwd - stands for ‘print working directory’

ls - used to list all the files in your current directory.

mkdir - stands for ‘make directory’. Basically is the equivalent of the ‘new folder’ button in a normal file explorer. You can use it like ‘mkdir <name-of-directory>’ to make a folder with the specified name.

./ - this little ‘./’ is very powerful! If we have executable files or files that we can’t normally open, we can run them by doing ‘./<name-of-executable>’

man - stands for ‘manual’. Think about this as your help guide for any command you want to learn more about. Use it by typing in ‘man <name-of-command>’.

Other useful commands:

rm - stands for ‘remove’. Used like ‘rm <name-of-file-to-be-removed>’

whoami - displays information about the user

cat - one of cat’s applications is to view the contents of a file without actually having to open it. Use it like ‘cat <name-of-file>’ to have the contents of the specified file be displayed in the terminal

strings - strings basically finds printable strings or sentences in an object, or other binary files. Use it like ‘strings <name-of-file>’.

grep - grep is a way for us to find the existence of certain patterns or words in a file. You can use it like ‘grep <word/pattern> <name-of-file>’ to return every instance of the word/pattern in the specified file

nc - nc or netcat is a tool that can help you read or write data over the internet. It has a lot of uses, but for the context of picoCTF we’ll mainly be using to access the challenges. Use it like ‘nc <destination> <port>’. An example of how we could use it for picoCTF is detailed below

ssh - basically a way for us to safely access remote servers. Use it like ‘ssh <user>@<host>’, where <user> refers to the account you want to access and <host> is the domain or IP address of the computer you are trying to access.

You can find more info about SSH here: https://www.hostinger.com/tutorials/ssh-tutorial-how-does-ssh-work

A more comprehensive guide containing explanations about a wider variety of commands can be found here.

What is a programming language?

So sure, we’ve learnt how to make our way through a terminal, but what about code? How do we write and run it? In terms of writing code, there are many varied programming languages, each with their own rules and different features that we can use. For readers who’ve never coded before in their life, now would be a fantastic time to learn one!

A lot of the concepts are common in programming languages, so it doesn’t particularly matter which one you start with. However, I would definitely recommend Python, as it is quite user-friendly. This is a great place to start learning.

What is a text editor?

To summarise quickly, basically we write programs saved in a certain type of file based on what language they are written. These files can be changed and edited using what are called text editors. There are many different ones- some are inherent to your terminal like ‘vim’ or ‘nano’ and are quite simplistic. Others you can download online and include cool features like autocompleting variable names and structuring your code for you.

Whatever text editor you choose to use is completely based on your preferences! Use whatever is comfortable for you and supports your writing of code

How do we run code?

Now that you’ve written your first program in a text editor, in your chosen programming language what do we actually do with it? Some programming languages like C or Java need to have their files be ‘compiled’ before we can actually run them. This basically means translating the code we write into a form that the computer can interpret. Other languages like Python don’t require this extra step, and can be run easily.

picoCTF writeups - Hideout:

This chapter’s challenges can all be found under the ‘hideout’ module in the 2018 picoCTF. The below examples detail some of the ways we can apply what has been described above.

net cat

Using netcat (nc) will be a necessity throughout your adventure. Can you connect to 2018shell.picoctf.com at port 49387 to get the flag?

As we described above, we can use nc like ‘nc <destination> <port>’. Hence, we simply do ‘nc 2018shell.pico.ctf.com 49387’ to connect to the remote service. The flag should be displayed on your terminal which is: picoCTF{NEtcat_iS_a_NEcESSiTy_8b6a1fbc}

grep 1

Can you find the flag in file [1] ? This would be really obnoxious to look through by hand, see if you can find a faster way. You can also find the file in /problems/grep-1_4_0431431e36a950543a85426d0299343e on the shell server.

Although you could just look the whole file to manually find the flag, we can use one of the handy commands we learnt about earlier! As described in the above guide, we can use grep like ‘grep <word/pattern> <name-of-file>’. We can utilise the fact that every flag inpicoCTF is formatted in the same way, by doing ‘grep picoCTF file’ to retrieve our flag which is: picoCTF{grep_and_you_will_find_cdf2e7c2}

sshkeyz

As nice as it is to use our webshell, sometimes its helpful to connect directly to our machine. To do so, please add your own public key to ~/.ssh/authorized_keys, using the webshell. The flag is in the ssh banner which will be displayed when you login remotely with ssh to with your username.

You can connect to the picoCTF server by doing ‘ssh <username>@2018shell1.picoctf.com’ in your terminal. The output should look somewhat similar to below:

$ ssh [email protected]

The authenticity of host '2018shell1.picoctf.com (18.223.208.176)' can't be established.

ECDSA key fingerprint is SHA256:zCX5ip3tx1RMbsJBc70jEazd+gAFzlbC1Q2iDI8LA/k.

Are you sure you want to continue connecting (yes/no)? yes

Warning: Permanently added '2018shell1.picoctf.com,18.223.208.176' (ECDSA) to the list of known hosts.

picoCTF{who_n33ds_p4ssw0rds_38dj21}

Thus we can see our flag, which is: picoCTF{who_n33ds_p4ssw0rds_38dj21}

strings

Can you find the flag in this file [1] without actually running it? You can also find the file in /problems/strings_0_bf57524acf558aca2081eb97ece8e2ee on the shell server.

As we detailed above, we can use string like ‘strings <name-of-file>’. To get all the printable lines in the ‘strings’ file we can use the strings command, together with grep to get the flag! By doing ‘strings strings | grep picoCTF’ we retrieve our flag which is: picoCTF{sTrIngS_sAVeS_Time_3f712a28}

what base is this

To be successful on your mission, you must be able to read data represented in different ways, such as hexadecimal or binary. Can you get the flag from this program to prove you are ready? Connect with nc 2018shell.picoctf.com 15853.

Basically this challenge wants us to convert between different bases of numbers. It requires you to:

Convert from binary to ASCII

Convert from hex to ASCII

Convert from octal to ASCII

I used the following tools to complete the challenge:

https://www.rapidtables.com/convert/number/binary-to-ascii.html

https://www.rapidtables.com/convert/number/ascii-hex-bin-dec-converter.html

http://www.unit-conversion.info/texttools/octal/

#something awesome

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vansypencil · 3 years

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Reading Report Task – Identity

Alone together -Turkle Sherry

Always on

Antipodal title of the book attracts readers’ attention by the first glance, Alone together (2011) by Sherry Turkle, however, this essay will concentrate on Chapter 8: Always on particularly. This chapter focuses on how the intimacy and changes in attitude of people with their communication technologies. Specifically, it is concerned here not with the political uses of the Internet but with its psychological side effects of mobile phones, e-mail, text messages, and online interaction in America. Turkle targeted on a range of people she met at conferences and at Parisian dinner parties and some strangers in millions she encounters on the subway. Those who seem to give priority to online users rather than people who they are physically being with. She further discusses the habit of online role-playing video games by teenagers, making changes that they would like to make in real life by investing in different virtualized personas for themselves.

To understand Turkle’s point of view, charts above providing data of the tendency of American using mobile phones since 2004, which gives more information of the year 2011, when Alone Together was published. Those statics emphasized the various of opportunities for exploring identity offered by computers and networking.

Turkle does not negate the advantages of communication technologies, she briefly claims it and deeply digs into the downside of the Internet devices. After a decade of developing, smartphone brought into positive impact on business, education, medicine, …; but “we all are cyborg right now”, said Turkle (2011, pp. 152). Resulting, Second life is born, on which she claims is a virtualized space where people are investing their feelings and time on. Here, she differentiates “real life”, in which people are physically living and “cyberspace”. An individual, two worlds.

People can join in variety of overlapping and non-overlapping cultural and sub-cultural groups; therefore, they have different identities at different stages that structure their cultural identity (Communication Theory, 2015). People’s new cultural identity is cyberspace. They contribute on communication, by text, email, mobile phone, …; build virtual society and identity with social media such as Facebook, LinkedIn, Plaxo, World of Warcraft, … Each individual on the Internet contribute to virtual cultural community, with their unique personal life history and experience.

Consequently, multiple of definitions are redefined. People who are online is users; chatrooms, websites and social environment are multiuser domains (2011, pp.157), the act of using a mobile phone is considered as watching their lives “scroll by” (2011, pp.163).

Turkle exploits on young generation to clarify her points. She says rendered virtual self are “often the fantasy of who we want to be” (2011, pp. 153) and “lived out parallel lives” (2011, pp. 158). Our relationship on social media changes: “individuals as a unit. Friends become fans.” (2011, pp.168). Cyberfriends are not trustful to share with when certain events happen, such as being ill, children’s success celebrations or death of parents. Overconcentration on video games is popular as:

“[…] the virtual environments were most compelling because they offered opportunities for a social life, for performing as the self you wanted to be.” (2011, pp. 158).

In Turkle’s previous article she produced in 2008, Always on/ Always on you: The tethered self, she provided an example of Julee who role plays her own relationship with her mother with controllable results. She reused her argument on becoming invisible identity. Specifically, book-released-in-2008, Peter’s identity become anonymity, invisibility; and Turkle is treated as if she was not on the train since a drunk man on his phone being loud (2011, pp.155). She might misjudge the latter situation as misunderstanding of impoliteness. Handful of further miserable examples of Internet addicted persons she mentioned which cannot be confirmed whether they are legit, can be easily found in her books.

If Turkle’s negatively evaluating process of communication technologies applies on any others problems, it will fit. In daily life, even before the invention of the Internet, people at anytime, anywhere have to deal with unsatisfactory relationships and poor intimacy and authenticity one way or another. We cannot consider friends on Facebook trustworthy or not, also in real life, we select those who can be trusted in a group, a team, … We wish for perfect relationships with the loved ones. We want to buy things in our wish list. Most importantly, we always want to show our most idealistic, impressive identity of ourselves to others. Hence, individuals collectively choose who they want to be on the social media. People would not (or at least intentionally) wear gown to job interview or put a drunk picture of themselves on portfolio or do any misbehaviors. The virtual space is one of many raising platforms which reflects on real life struggles.

According to sociology, new concepts will be accepted and considered appropriate by majority of community in aspects of cultural phenomenon, patterns; language; social structures; gender orientation. In this case, Turkle is on the minority side. Articles with disagreement on her books are available broadly on the Internet. Stafford (2011) had a knee-jerk dislike since he points out her anecdotal assumptions on relationship between human and human or human and robot. He indicated the public had the same moral panic over the invention of mobile as mass production of books. Stafford agrees that we have had this mutual issue for decades; however, he could not find her clarify the outlines of the problem or debate any solutions. Masnick (2012) added Turkle’s argument became was not convincing as he continued in his Podcast.

My chosen object represents a number of aspects of my identity is a camera. This would be more relevant to Turkle’s points only when I choose to post my photos on social media. I will reveal my identity through the pictures, which reflect my choice of subjects, angles, shooting set-ups, … I partly agree with her on:

“In the course of a life, we never “graduate” from working on identity; we simply rework it with the materials at hand.” (2011, pp. 158)

Completing identity is an everlasting progress. The more I photographs I take, the more fluent I am. I enjoy hiding myself behind the camera and looking through its lenses since I can be on behalf of it. To be more specific, people would feel less awkward when I point my camera at them as if I became the camera or invisible. It is better than their reaction to me be creepily staring at them. Moreover, my intimacy to the camera are making bond together as it is by my side on every journey. I have gradually built my image of me with my camera in my friends’ mind and they are getting used to it.

In this digital age, self-promoting on the Internet is crucial, I must represent my identity of illustrator and drawing skills for getting known to company and recruiter. Moreover, acknowledging of my doings to the Internet and the Internet’s impact on me is the best method to make use of virtual space. Alone together still provides a valuable knowledge on the negative impact of communication technology unquestionably, along with it, contradictory responses are also reliable consultancies.

REFERENCE:

1, Turkle, S. (2011) ‘Always on’, in Alone Together: why we expect more from technology and less from each other. pp. 151-170

2, Turkle, S. (2008) ‘Always on/ Always on you: The tethered self’ in Handbook of Mobile communication studies, James E. Katz (ed.). pp. 121-137.

3, Mobile Fact Sheet (2019). Available at: https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/fact-sheet/mobile/ (Access: 17 th November 2020)

4, Cultural Identity Theory (2015). Available at: https://www.communicationtheory.org/cultural-identity-theory/ (Access: 17 th November 2020)

5, Stafford, T. (2011) Why Sherry Turkle is so wrong. Available at: https://idiolect.org.uk/notes/2011/04/27/why-sherry-turkle-is-so-wrong/?utm_medium=twitter&utm_source=twitterfeed. (Access: 17 th November 2020)

6, Masnick, M. (2012) Sherry Turkle Says Technology Is Making Us Lonelier Because We Spend Less Time Alone, Or Something [Podcast]. 24th April. Avaible at: https://www.techdirt.com/articles/20120423/14264618618/sherry-turkle-says-technology-is-making-us-lonelier-because-we-spend-less-time-alone-something.shtml (Access: 17th November 2020)

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lolainblue · 7 years

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Presque Vu Chapter 14

Cassie came by with a big bag of takeout after she got off work, ostensibly to be Raina's guinea pig for her presentation. But when she asked Raina if she had heard from either of the brothers again, Raina realized that somehow she had left Cassie completely out of the loop and spent the next hour catching her up. It felt good to get it all of her chest, to have someone to talk to. She really needed someone to help her get her head back on straight.

“Telling Jared you're seeing someone else is not the same thing as telling him you're sleeping with his brother.” Cassie pointed out. “And you know it. That's why you're having panic attacks again if you ask me.”

Raina groaned. “Attack. It was just the one. And Shannon was completely chill about the situation....”

“... which he also doesn't know the full truth of," she scolded. "Come on Raina. Just tell them. You've come this far. It's going to be so much worse if they find out on their own. They might not mind as much as you think they will.”

Raina started clearing the takeout containers while Cassie put her feet up. “Jared is already not happy there's someone else. He's kind of possessive I think. Which is ridiculous because it's not like we're pretending he's not seeing anyone else. I bet he has a whole little harem on call.”

Cassie tucked a pillow under her heels. “Does he? Do you know that? Did he tell you that or are you just making more assumptions?”

“He didn't deny it,” Raina answered as she sat down next to Cassie. She and Jared were doing such a ridiculous dance around each other and she knew it. She just didn't know how to break the cycle. “We'll figure it out, Cassie. I mean, you're probably right, we should all sit down and have a talk but I don't think anyone is really ready for that. At least Jared and I aren't.” She reached over and picked her tablet up off the table and opened her presentation notes. “So are you going to help me with this or what?”

Cassie left just before midnight. Raina felt drained from a day that had started off rough and seemed to stretch on forever but at least she was confident about her final tomorrow afternoon. She checked her phone before getting ready for bed and noticed several text messages from Shannon that must have come in while she was working. He wanted her to call, and the most recent message was only about twenty minutes old so she figured he was probably still up. She thought about just taking a shower and going to bed, she was exhausted, but thought maybe she had enough time for a short conversation. She dialed his number.

“Hey Rainy Girl,” he greeted her. He sounded sunny and happy and Raina immediately started to smile.

“Hey Shannon, what's up?”

“Not much now. Rehearsed kind of late tonight, we've got the tour coming up soon but I'm just hanging back at home now.” I guess that's what Jared was referring to when he said he was pretty busy the next few days, Raina thought. “I was just thinking about you. Did you say that big final thing was tomorrow?”

“Yeah, it is. Tomorrow afternoon. Cassie just left a few minutes ago, as a matter of fact, she's been helping me get ready all night.”

“I was just thinking if it goes well …. and I'm sure it will...” Shannon added hastily, “then maybe we can go out to celebrate? I mean I'm sure your friends or classmates or someone is taking you tomorrow night but maybe this weekend?”

Clearly, Shannon thought she had a much more active social life than she did. “No, Cassie was over here helping me tonight but she and her husband have plans tomorrow, it's her mother-in-law's birthday. I'll probably just buy myself an extra nice bottle of wine on the way home or something.”

There was a long pause on the line. “Raina, I don't want to sound like an ass, but don't you have anyone else? Cassie is the only person in your life you ever mention.”

Raina felt that lump return to her throat, the same one she had gotten when he had asked her questions before, when Jared had told her to take care of herself. Sadly, her emotions were no more under control than they had been this morning. “I'm very busy,” she told him, trying to make excuses. “I don't really have time to socialize much.”

“You've found time for me,” Shannon pointed out. Yes, but when you get to asking too many questions I can just stick my tongue down your throat and shut you up. “Look, I'm sorry, it's not any of my business I know. But you should have someone. Let me take you out for a nice dinner tomorrow night to celebrate. It can be just as friends. I'd like it if we were friends too.”

Raina wanted to cry in frustration. These guys were not going to let her off the hook as easily as she thought they would. Weren't men only supposed to be out for one thing? Maybe they were right though. It wasn't like she thought any of this cutting herself off from other people was healthy. It was just safe and familiar and, at least until recently, far easier. She'd made friends with Cassie and the world hadn't come to an end. Maybe she could make friends with Shannon too? “Okay,” she conceded, “I think that might be nice.”

“Great!” She could hear the enthusiasm in Shannon's voice. “It might be kind of late, we're rehearsing again tomorrow but I think Jared has this charity thing he's doing either tomorrow or the next night. I can't remember which one but obviously if it's tomorrow we won't be rehearsing late at all. I'll call you when I know more okay? And you call me after your final?”

Raina realized with a sense of panic that if they were going to be together tomorrow calling to tell them her presentation was done was way too dangerous. “Just call me once you're out of rehearsal. I'll surprise you when you pick me up. It will either be a celebration or consolation evening.”

Shannon laughed. “Okay, have it your way. I'll see you tomorrow.”

The presentation went outstandingly well. The proctors were blown away, and stayed more than a half an hour after everything was supposed to be done to continue to discuss her work and ask questions about her plans for the next year. She may have been a mess with her personal life but it was good to know that academically, professionally, she was the same superstar she always had been. Maybe she hadn't completely lost herself after all.

Fate cut her another break when Shannon called just as she was driving home. Apparently whatever Jared's previous commitment was had caused them to break rehearsal exceptionally early. She went ahead and told him how well everything had gone, she was bursting to tell someone, made plans for him to pick her up and then, after confirming he was in his car, alone, headed for his own house, she called Jared. He wasn't able to stay on the phone with her long but gave her a hearty congratulation and promised they would do something special when they got together again. They made plans for that coming Thursday before hanging up the phone.

It was just a 'friends' thing, and Shannon had told her to dress casually, so Raina didn't have particularly high expectations but when he pulled up at the Chophouse Shannon had been raving about she started to wonder if even the jeans she had chosen left her overdressed. It was dark and windowless and in need of paint and looked for all the world like it housed a seedy strip club. Inside was better, but the red velvet seatbacks still carried a certain vibe. With her permission, Shannon ordered for both of them.

What came out was a steak almost as big as Raina's head served with crispy potatoes and creamed spinach. It was the best steak she had ever eaten in her life. Shannon laughed at the way she tore into it after the doubtful looks she had given him from the minute they pulled into the parking lot. Once they had finished they lingered for a while, chatting over whiskey flights and cigars and a bourbon pecan pie that Raina said was easily the best thing she had ever had in her mouth. Shannon cocked an eyebrow at that statement but she had just given him a playful shove and kept on eating. Her life had taken a mercurial turn since yesterday morning and she felt happy and relaxed for the first time in ages.

“Hey, I know this is just supposed to be friends celebrating, but would you like to come back to my place? I could put on a movie or something.” She asked as the waiter dropped off the check.

Shannon just flashed that big smile that had been melting her since their first date. “I'm not doing anything else.”

Raina really had intended for it to just be movies and conversation, and once they got back to her place, that was how things had started. But they had found themselves edging closer and closer on the sofa as the movie played, then Shannon had his arm around her, and by the time the credits were rolling no one was looking at the TV screen anymore. Shannon had her stretched beneath him on the sofa, their lips locked tightly together as his tongue made long slow passes against hers. There was no urgency to it, they were simply enjoying the feel of each other as his hands unhurriedly explored Raina's curves. He felt warm and heavy against her, and there was a certain peacefulness to it that topped the day off perfectly. When Raina's foot began to fall asleep Shannon sat them up, pulling her into his lap, his hands resting lightly on her thighs while she straddled him. He let his kisses trail lower, and when his stubble brushed the tender curve of her neck a giggle escaped her lips.

“I love the way you laugh,” he told her, brushing his rough chin against her again. As she giggled his slid his hands up to her sides and began tickling her. She fought merrily to get away, and they ended up tumbling onto the floor, her face down on the brightly patterned throw rug and him across her as he danced those fingertips mercilessly across her exposed skin. When they slipped under the back of her shirt he came to a sudden halt.

“What the fuck Raina.” Shannon pushed the back of her shirt higher. She was momentarily confused until she remembered the bites Jared had left behind. They had ached when she brushed against them and stung when the shower hit them but she hadn't checked to see how dark they actually were, had forgotten about them completely with everything else that was going on. Quickly she sat up and pulled her shirt back down but the damage was done.

Shannon looked at her, waiting for an explanation but she didn't know what to say. He didn't look jealous. He looked worried. She wished now she had looked at her back in the mirror. Just how bad was it back there? Cautiously, Shannon reached towards her again, gently turning her and raising the shirt up. She didn't try to stop him, there was no use hiding what he had already seen.

“Raina those are bite marks,” he observed. He ran his finger over one of them and she could feel how tender it was with the direct contact but she managed to avoid wincing. That would have only made it worse. “Do you know how deep these are?”

Feeling like Shannon had seen enough, she pulled her shirt back down. He just yanked it up again, this time without the gentleness. “This is too much. You need to stop seeing this guy.”

Raina sighed. “It's not like that. It's not like he forced me into anything.” She pulled her shirt down again and spun around before Shannon could go in for yet another look. The angry expression on his face made her wonder just how much he knew about his brother's proclivities. Maybe he only disapproved because it was her?

“I'm not saying he did. But there are a couple of places back there where it looks like he broke the skin. That's not playing.”

No, it hadn't been playing. Jared had been doing exactly what she thought he was doing at the time – marking his territory. He wanted to be sure that her other lover saw it. Well, mission accomplished Jared. She tried to minimize. “I'm not sure how it looks but really, it wasn't that rough at the time. I guess I just mark up easily.”

Shannon got up and pulled her to her feet before leading her into her bedroom. He stood her in front of the mirror on her closet door, turned her around and lifted her shirt up again. What Raina saw made her jaw drop. No wonder Shannon was angry.

Both sides of her spine were lined in round bruises, the lower ones where Jared hadn't been able to dig in as well from the position they were in were just regular bluish-purple marks. But they got progressively darker as they got higher. The real problem was the one right behind her right shoulder blade. It was about three times the size of the others and an ugly black color. You could still clearly the outline of Jared's teeth where he had bit the spot repeatedly. How it wasn't more painful was beyond her. Had he known he was doing this much damage at the time? Had he been waiting for a safe word that never came? How the hell did it get this wildly out of hand?

“Tell me again how rough he wasn't,” Shannon said, his eyes dark and angry as they both stared into the mirror. Raina let her shirt fall back down a final time and turned away.

“I don't know what to say. It wasn't like that. At least it didn't feel like that...” She suddenly wasn't so sure though,

Shannon wasn't having any of her deflection. “You need to stop seeing him. You're lonely. He's taking advantage of you.”

What the hell? “Okay, you need to stop right there. You don't know anything about that relationship and you're making assumptions. Wrong ones. It isn't like that with us at all.”

Shannon folded his arms. “Well I'm only working with what is in front of me Raina but I see someone who cares so little about your safety that he left marks so deep I'm wondering if we don't need to take you to the doctor.”

“Now you're exaggerating," she told him in frustration, but his words had instilled a little doubt in her. Jared had been very careful to be sure that he had her permission before they had done anything rough, he had checked on her comfort levels as they went along, she had never once felt like she was being used or victimized. She had been quite sure at the time that if she had asked him to stop he would have done so immediately. But she hadn't tested that theory, hadn't so much as made the tiniest protest of his treatment. Was he really looking out for her if he could leave that kind of damage?

She thought of the way he had tucked her in before leaving that first night, the dorky way he had texted her from Australia, the way he had worried about her when he found her on the sofa, the way he had gone shopping and made sure she had decent food to eat. Sure, he was a little controlling, but she liked that. He was also caring, and had been kind and patient with her even when she had been difficult. He would probably be as surprised as she was with the severity of that bruise, she imagined. And then she was angry at Shannon for making her doubt him.

“I think it might be a good idea if you went home now,” she said, turning away from him.

“You're kidding me. He does that to you and I'm the problem?” When she didn't respond he laid one large hand gently on her shoulder. “I'm just trying to look out for you.”

“I know." She did. She got that. But this was a lot to sort through and she was no longer in the mood for their makeout session. "Maybe I just have some things to think about.”

Shannon sighed. “That I can agree with.” He stepped around in front of her and wrapped her in a ferocious hug. “Don't pull away on me. You can talk to me about anything. I meant what I said about being friends.” He gave her a light kiss on the cheek. “I'll let myself out.”

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