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bigcats-birds-and-books · 4 months

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Books of 2024: ADHD FOR SMART ASS WOMEN: HOW TO FALL IN LOVE WITH YOUR NEURODIVERGENT BRAIN by Tracy Otsuka.

I saw this on a new release promotional email and thought "well shit, that looks like my life, I should Investigate That™," only to realize it was a brand new hardback and I didn't want to pay $29 for 200 pages of information. Since I found out about it on release day, my next thought was, "Oh, I can check and see if my library has any copies!! We love supporting our libraries in this house!!"

Reader: They did Not.

But! I did find the "request a book" option on their website, and I entered this book, and I got a robocall within a week saying my hold was ready to be picked up! Y'all!! The library literally ordered this book for me (it was stamped into circulation one (1) day before they called me!), and now I have it to read! I love libraries!!

(book pic featuring the super cute coaster set @asexualbookbird made me that I love with my entire heart!!)

#books of 2024 #book photography #adhd for smart ass women #tracy otsuka #did i flinch a little bit at the gendering?? perhaps.#however. i suspect. despite that. it will STILL have so much information relevant to me #i've only flipped through it briefly so far but i'm fascinated about the nutrition section so i'll be reading the shit out of that #i have less than 14 days i need to get on this lol #in my defense: i was trying to finish falcon #and next up is dragon #i did not think a library book would be first on my New Books of 2024 list but here we are #i really do still want to read the architecture books and a BUNCH OF OTHER SHIT #gotdamn dragon is such a chonker #i'll be reading bitch queen forever i think #khine my beloved #anyway i don't think i can speedread this and i don't really want to??#i'm gonna have to take Notes #on anything i want to remember #we'll see if there's much in there or not *eyes*

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edutainer2022 · 2 years

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Necessary preamble: 1) Jeff Tracy is gone not long ago and Gordon hates everything. But mostly Scott. Well kinda.

2) It's a grief fic. And it's an angsty fluff fic. It's a Gordon and Scott fic. Because we need those. Gordon Tracy just kept talking in my head.

TELL THE WATER

Gordon is thirteen. And angry. And hates Scott. Stop. Scratch. Repeat. Gordon is thirteen. Dad is gone. And he hates that. But Dad is not there, so Gordon has nothing real to hate. But Scott is there. Scott is always there. Which is kinda awesome, otherwise, because when big brother was away Gordon missed him something stupid. Scott is a smother and a pain in the... but he's more fun, than John. But now Scott is sitting at Dad's desk. All the the time. And in Dad's office in New York. And in Dad's plane. And with Dad's GDF guys. And he has the same aftershave scent, for God's sake! But he's not Dad! Dad is gone! And Gordon hates this most of all. So he balls up that hatred and anger into a hot, spiky blob, and spits it in Scott's general direction with everything his swimmer's lungs can give. Well, not the hatred part. But the Scott not being Dad part, anyway. His chest aches from excertion and his eyes sting. He knows the blow landed, because Scott flinches. It's the silence and the quiet that follow that are scary. Virgil dissolves into the shadows, hot on Scott's tracks, and John stays in his room that night, while Gordon cries himself to sleep. His squid sense suggests nobody is mad at him. Not really. And Gordon kinda hates that even more.

John picks him up from the pool, parks him in Dad's... Scott's outer office at Tracy Industries and vanishes to collect Alan from therapy. Tracy brotherhood grapevine goes it was the Tracy Legal advice to get the kid a shrink - it'll look good on the guardianship transfer record. Will make Scott look a responsible and capable caretaker. Gordon wonders what passes as points on Scott's record to be his legal guardian. Not decking him that other day for lashing out? Gordon's not an idiot, John's perpetually rolled eyes notwithstanding. He knows everyone is walking on glass around him now. Virgil gives him those soulful eyes and the not so big hugs, like it's no big deal, but he's there. And those are good. Those are the best. But he would rather Virgil yelled at him and tackled him, and swung. Because he knew how big brother looked at Scott - with the kind of fear Scott would shatter into splinters any minute. John ruffles his hair and takes Alan off his hands a lot these days. Scott's barely there anyway, buried in miles of spreadsheets and hours of meetings. Scott is not mad and does not hold a grudge. Gordon knows a sulking Scott. This is not it. Scott is focused, and rueful, and oh so patient with him. That's becoming Gordon's new favorite thing to hate. Second only to idling in the antechamber to Scott's... Dad's office and waiting for Scott to be done with yet another meeting. Virgil is flying Grandma in to New York before they're all to head back to the island. John's not back yet, so there's noone to talk to. There's Dad's PA... well, he guesses, Scott's now too. But she's engrossed in a hushed conversation with a paralegal, who just recently stepped out of that meeting. Eavesdropping is bad and all, but he's RIGHT THERE and there's nothing much to do otherwise. Their voices are low, anyway. He did make out "poor boys", and "will have to adopt the youngest anyway", and "such a tragedy". Virgil had Mom's musical ear, but Gordon didn't spent his whole life plotting mischief to not have developed a heightened hearing. The whispers weaved into a sympathetic tsk stringed by "Will he even want to foster both boys? It's a lot of responsibility so young. Emancipation is an option. Those Olympic track kids can handle themselves". Gordon didn't know what emancipation meant, but he understood enough to know the assistants wondered if Scott would want to disown him. If Scott should. And Gordon bolted.

Virgil found him later in the executive bathroom, but let him be. Every Tracy knew the Squid is gotta hide in nooks and there was that. Scott gave him the kind of smile that didn't reach his eyes. It never did anymore. Gordon hated that too.

He spent the whole flight home curled up in his seat, looking out, sick to his heart. He wanted to hate everyone, and to hate the island, to hate the stupid blanket Virgil tucked over him, but it didn't stick. He didn't want to hate Alan, who curled up to his side and slept the whole flight through.

Gordon tried not to hate that emancipation thing too. He looked it up. It was kinda badass. He'd be like an adult and everything. He could do whatever he wanted. Scott would not have to be his Dad anymore. Scott would not have to be his... anything anymore. Not hating that didn't stick either.

So Gordon tiptoed back to the lounge, once the rest of the villa hushed into sleep. Or whatever passed for sleep in the Tracy household these days. Scott was seated at Dad's desk, looking at a whole lot of nothing in the shadows. He was doing that a lot lately. All the time. Scott was also watching the holovid of Dad's explosion all the time, so Gordon knew his cue, when the bluish shimmer flickered out at the table. And it was just Scott, his fists clenched on the table top, his eyes the only source of blue in the expanse of shadows. For a moment Gordon could swear Scott's eyes projected that explosion, like their portraits did in the lounge. But it was just a trick of light. Scott never cried after Dad. Not in the ways that were visible or apparent in the morning. And that was telling something, as Gordon knew even John cried this time around. A lot. Scott would just sit and hypnotize the explosion, as if there were anything more to see. Gordon hated it with a vengeance.

He did erase the recording once, when Scott was away from the island. Big brother just bummed a copy at the GDF. Now Scott had it on his phone as well, which was the kind of off limits even Gordon dared not cross. Not yet, anyway. Virgil could. Virgil was Scott's unofficially assigned emotional support little brother, as Gordon once tried to explain to Al. Al, 4 at the time, got confused at "unofficially assigned" and "little brother", because Virg was "big brother", wasn't he. Anyway. Virgil wouldn't put his foot down with Scott and that holo-explosion mania, because Virgil looked at Scott like he would disappear into thin air too if he didn't hold his breath. John didn't have sway over Scott in matters that didn't involve multy-tier formulas. So that left Gordon next in line to do something about big brother's obsessive tendencies. Which Gordon wouldn't have to bother about if he were emancipated. The idea made him queasy.

Gordon shuffled from foot to foot, catching Scott's gaze. Instantly worried. Great.

'What's up, Fish? Had a bad dream?'

Gordon bargained to bail out and go with the nightmare thing. But he remembered Scott's phone, and how Scott could whip that explosion vid any moment, even in a meeting, or in a Thunderbird. And how, if Gordon didn't stick around till he was old enough, he wouldn't be able to wipe it off, or replace it with a cute panda, with hell to pay from Scott, but he'd be like an actual adult then, so it would blow off. Gordon squared his shoulders in his best big brother imitation:

'Nah, didn't sleep at all.'

Scott was on his feet and towering over him all in one stride, Gordon could swear. Damn, those legs were LONG. Scott was also squeezing his shoulder and peering down on him, almost doubled over Gordon's smaller frame, checking for signs of illness.

'Hey, buddy, everything alright? You want me to tuck you in?'

Gordon wanted to scoff. And to swat big brother's hand off. He was not A KID like Alan. He was discussing emancipation here. Serious adult stuff. But Scott's eyes were kind. And soft. And warm. Like the water. Safe. So he drew enogh air, dived in and landed face-first somewhere in the expanse of big brother's chest. Well, his abs, more like, but Gordon didn't complain. Not tonight.

'I don't wanna emancipate. I don't wanna be nobody's. I'm sorry I said that about you and Dad! Can I be yours, please! Please!'

Gordon didn't catch another breath till he almost had a mouthful of Scott's shirt. He reinforced his point with clasping both arms around Scott's waist in a drowning man's grip. He could hear the frown in his big brother's sigh. There would be more to this conversation come morning, for sure. But for the moment Gordon was crushed and instantly supported afloat by the powerful wave of big brother's hug.

'You're always mine, Gordo. If you'll have me'.

Gordon floated on the heaving tide, for a while, just relishing the closeness, and the depth, and the love that ebbed and eddied, and whirled into everything that was Scott. That's how he knew his biggest brother finally cried in the open, since Dad. And he didn't hate it at all.

That's how Virgil knew the biggest brother finally slept in earnest through the night, since Dad, when he found them in the lounge the next morning - Scott sprawled on the sofa and Gordon squid-attached over him in a fluid heap of extremities and drool. Both smiling.

#thunderbirds are go #scott tracy #gordon tracy #grief/mourning #virgil tracy #gordon tracy needs a hug and gets one #scott tracy needs a hug #scott tracy is a beloved biggest brother #tracy brotherdom of angst #methinks i have astronomy #thunderbirds 2015 #my fic

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