#THAT POEM WAS ALREADY MAKING ME ALL. WEIRD. EW I KNEW IT WAS BAD WHEN SHE DIDNT WALK TO SCHOOL N SHIT. FUCK

[dramioneasks]

HP FESTS: DramioneFanfictionWriters (Part 3)

Never Apologising For Our Wild 2019:

Fractured by MrsRen - M, 3 chapters - She's writhing on the floor, spitting in a Bellatrix Lestrange's face, when it happens. Hermione Granger's mind fractures amidst the torture, and when she wakes, friends and family find that she is not who she used to be. In the middle of a war, Hermione thinks she's exactly who she needs to be.

Ninety-Three Percent Stardust by otterlyardent - G, one-shot -  Often, when a person falls for someone, they can’t remember the exact moment it all changed. But that wasn’t the case for Draco Malfoy. The moment had forever been emblazoned in his memory.

Dear Shakespeare by msmerlin - M, 3 chapters - When the fates bring together two opposites, will the love they have be able to overcome the years of obstacles that follow? Seventeen years of relationships ups and downs told through a series of vignettes.

Coiled, Falling by bionically - not rated, one-shot - She's locked in a tower when he finds her, bewitched and imprisoned.

Absinthe by TheMourningMadam - E, one-shot - Hermione becomes ensnared by Draco Malfoy, despite the fact that he is a taken man.

Magical To You by fandomfairytales - T, one-shot - based on the Nikita Gill poem/prompt: she would rather be magical to you, than belong to you.Follows Draco coming to understand such a concept and how it applies to one Hermione Granger."Hermione was in his kitchen, her cheeks rosy, the heat of the ovens toasting the air, humming along with the house elves as they worked; Completely out of her element and making herself at home at the breakfast bar, she was an utter paradox, all Draco could do was stare. It would have been less surprising to find a unicorn or some other rare magical creature there… Later, he would wonder if perhaps she was one, in a class all her own."

My Poetry by mcal - T, one-shot -  Draco has been looking forward to this quiet moment with Hermione all week. A short stand alone written for the DFW Nikita Poem Challenge. Dramione. EWE  

The Way They Leave by tofadeawayagain - T, one-shot - After leaving an emotionally abusive long-term relationship with Draco Malfoy, Hermione Granger struggles to remember how to be herself once again. An experiment/sketch of the state of mind caused by emotional abuse and the healing process.

Show Me Your Soul by Disenchantedglow - T, one-shot - Show me The most damaged Parts of your soul, And I will show you How it still shines like gold -Nikita Gill

Demons by sweetmusings - T, one-shot - Hermione is far from okay. Can she be saved before she slips under? Furthermore, does she want to be? Inspired by Nikita Gill's 'Monsters'.

Fixing Damaged Souls by LissaDream - G, one-shot - Response to the Never Apologizing For Our Wild challenge held by Dramione Fanfiction Writer's FB group.

Wildfire by In_Dreams - M, one-shot - They said she was fire incarnate. And the smallest sliver of hope was kept alive by the spark of a borrowed ember she had implanted in his soul. A Dramione one-shot inspired by "Wild Embers" by Nikita Gill.

Tough Love by BiscuitsForPotter - M, 4 chapters - Three bad relationships. Two times her heart is broken. One time it grows stronger. Hermione Granger always seems to choose the wrong men to date.

The Devourer by ravenslight - M, one-shot - Darkness breeds darkness. In the aftermath of the war and amidst Voldemort’s reign, two depraved souls find solace in the dance of their demons.

Burning Skies by PartyLines - T, one-shot -  Sometimes a change of heart comes just a little too late. Or: Hermione's late night letters to someone.

When You Are Ashes Remember This by perilous_circumstance - M, one-shot - The Ministry has decreed therapy for the returning 8th years & it’s going just about as well as one would expect.

Under and of the Stars by Lilian_Silver - T, one-shot - Hermione is in her 8th Year, attending a party in the Ravenclaw common room. It would be a lovely night of letting loose for once in her life, if not for the presence of a certain Slytherin for whom she has been harboring some very confused feelings.

Majestic Lionesses, Vibrant Birds, and Eight Billion Human Beings by Felgia_Starr - M, one-shot - Draco tries to prove to Hermione that soulmates are real but ends up showing her the world instead.

Broken by CourtingInsanity - M, one-shot - She is a broken thing under the psychopathic torture of his crazy aunt. As he watches, Draco reflects on the things he has fixed in his young life, and wonders at the possibility of mending Granger.

Spark Hearts by Abroma - E, one-shot - He doesn't ask her to stay; he never does. She wouldn't, anyway.    

Scars by LadyKenz347 - not rated, one-shot - For DFW'S: Never Apologizing For Our Wild ChallengeInspired by Nikita Gills "Scars

Pretty in White by MrsMast - G, one-shot - Today is Hermione and Draco’s wedding day. Will love bloom?

DFW Birthday GOGO Fest 2020:

A House in the Country by BoredRavenvlaw620 - T, WIP -“That’s it, just no. I’ve done my duty to the Wizarding world. I gave up my childhood, I gave up my dreams, and for what… a tiny cubicle in which I put the Ministry stamp on endless permits. No more. I quit. Effective immediately. I think you’ll find I have ample vacation saved up. I’ll owl human resources on where they can send my check.”She spent her childhood fighting a war she didn't start. Now life is passing her by. What will she find when she makes choices not based off expectation?

Love of My Life by MykEsprit - T, one-shot - A surprising revelation at their anniversary party sends Hermione reeling.

Opposites Attract by HollyBrianne - G, one-shot - Draco and Hermione share a hotel room and take turns having issues with the other's sleepwear.

Caught Red-Handed by ruthy4vrsmoaked - E, one-shot - During a special kind of school reunion, Draco Malfoy catches Hermione Granger while she's reading an erotic romance novel.

Between the Trees by NuclearNik - M, WIP - When the tides of war change quickly, Draco makes a split-second decision and steals the freedom of the only person he still cares about, desperate to protect them.Hermione Granger becomes prisoner to a reluctant captor, locked away in the ruins of the one place she'd ever truly felt at home.Trust does not come easy for either of them.

Better Late Than Never by niffizzle - M, one-shot - As if the anxiety leading up to his mother's trial wasn't already bad enough, it deepens once the Wizengamot denies Draco's request to temporarily leave Hogwarts to attend. His life only gets more frustrating when the aftermath of a Quidditch accident forces him to interact with the one witch he's been ignoring all year — stirring the question of why she was present at the match in the first place. 

Simple Words by dreamsofdramione (Bugggghead) - M, one-shot - It was easy to figure him out all over again.

oh god, i think i'm falling in love with you again by Felgia_Starr - E, one-shot - Hermione and Draco are forced to share a bed when there's miscommunication within the hotel staff and the hotel is fully-booked. This is a terrible idea because they both blame each other for their breakup and have been throwing passive aggressive remarks towards the other ever since they arrived in the hotel. Not to mention, they're still kind of madly in love with each other.

To Return by Charlie9646 - T, one-shot - Returning to Hogwarts was the hardest thing that Hermione had ever done, but the only person it was harder for is Draco. Friendship or more can bloom in the darkest of hours. Forgiveness is not one action, but many.

Future Imperfect by LightofEvolution - T, one-shot -  Weird things can happen in the Department of Mysteries. And Hermione and her partner are about to find out how weird exactly. Or maybe not weird - but foreshadowing?

Ten Months by grace_lou_freebush - T, one-shot -   While Dumbledore may have appeared completely busy managing the Order of the Phoenix and hunting down Horcruxes with Harry, he managed to keep a sharp, concerned eye on Draco. When Draco was on the verge of fixing the Vanishing Cabinet before Dumbledore was prepared, the headmaster assigned Hermione a task. She was to go back in time and stall Draco, any means necessary."She was seriously considering doing something categorically insane. She wanted to reveal herself to him.Christmas break was upcoming, and she'd been essentially alone for three months. Knowing the holiday was near made her yearn for companionship. She felt like she knew a side of Draco that he kept hidden away while outside the Room. He was clever and noble and steadfast and scared and handsome and – and she wanted to reveal herself to him."

Fowl Games by Pureblood_Muggle - T, one-shot - Hermione never believed in Divination - and she wasn't going to start now, just because Luna *saw* something.

Journal Entries by TriDogMom - E, one-shot -  Draco is in a meeting and gets a naughty message from Hermione.

Ocean Views by MrsMast - G, one-shot -  Hermione had some time off work, and Draco so happened to be at the same beach. When they run into each other, will things go how they expect?

Research, Destruction, and Love by highlyintelligentblonde - G, one-shot - How Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger finally got together after knowing each other for 10 years, being friends for five, and being coworkers for 3. Told from an insider perspective ;)

The Orphan by rennaissance_woman - not rated, one-shot - A couple torn apart. A soldier at war. A lost child.

Revelations by LuxLouise - not rated, one-shot - Hermione makes a startling discovery.

20 Questions by savedprincess85 - T, one-shot - Hermione rescues Draco from a bad date. What happens during a game of 20 questions?

A Walk in the Park by IRisEaGLeS - G, one-shot -  Hermione Granger is stressed, but then she meets a cute little cherub at her favorite park. And like every cherub in history, this little one decides to play matchmaker.

Stake Me Out Tonight, I Don't Want To Let You Go 'Til We Catch This Guy by fandomfairytales - E, WIP - Written for the DFW Birthday GOGO Fest 2020Based on the following prompt tags from HighlyIntelligentBlonde: Co-Workers to Friends to Lovers, Mutual Pining, Fluff, HEATitle courtesy of Charles Boyle (NINE-NINE!!) because I accidentally gave this a slight B99 vibeoOoPartners for more than a few years, Draco and Hermione have captured more than just their fair share of criminals on behalf of the Auror Department, they've captured each other's hearts: taking each other down is another matter entirely...However, Hermione Granger never met a problem she couldn't solve; armed with a plan and a three-day stakeout, what's the best that could happen? Strap yourself in, I'm back for more; with plenty of fluff, soft smut, silliness, Dramione being idiots in love and giving the DMLE betting pool a constant source of fresh romance gossip and entertainment... Oh and a case/perp that has literally no bearing on the plot

Starling by floorcoaster - T, one-shot - Someone's been helping Hermione with her work and she's not sure what to think.

DFW Tropes Fest: Double Trouble 2020:

Felix Mal Felicis by Lostinthenightrain - T, one-shot - Hermione Granger came back to Hogwarts as Head Girl. Unfortunately, her counterpart - Head Boy - was Draco Malfoy. To make the year even more difficult, they've been partnered together to brew a rather difficult potion. Felix Mal Felicis - Bad Luck Potion. It's difficulty lies in the brewing process - bad lucks seems to always happens while it's being brewed. Hence why it's not often made. Hermione discovers just how much bad luck she can handle.

Finishing Lessons by Seakays - T, WIP - When Hermione Granger finds out she is the illegitimate pureblood daughter of two members of the Sacred Twenty Eight, she needs a tutor to help her navigate the old customs and expectations thrust upon her.Enter Draco Malfoy.

Somebody I used to Know by Charlie9646 - T, one-shot - Hermione didn’t know why she was even here. Why did Ginny always suggested things like this? But it was worth a shot, if the worst happened she could simply forget about and move on. She had a fairly happy life, but her love life left a lot to be desired.If Pansy could find someone for Harry why couldn’t she do the same for her?

Worth It by crochetaway - M, one-shot - Hermione is sent up to Hogwarts to investigate instances of Dark Magic. But digging to the bottom of this mystery isn't the only thing she finds up there.

riddle me this by megamegaturtle - G, one-shot - Their fingers touch when Draco hands her the paper and Hermione's heart almost jumps out of her chest.The note reads: How do you spell ‘cute boy’ with only two letters? -Riddle Me ThisHermione finds herself grinning. “Cutie. Q-T. That’s the answer to the riddle. You’re a cutie, Malfoy.”[the one where someone leaves Draco Malfoy riddles to solve from the local coffee shop's community board and he enlists Hermione Granger for help.](Written for 2020 DFW Trope Fest: Double Trouble) 

The Holly and The Ivy by dirtymudblood - M, 3 chapters - “Actually,” Hermione interrupted, “I’m so glad because… because I’ve been seeing someone too and I was going to ask how you’d feel about me bringing them to the Burrow.” Ron’s jaw dropped and Hermione’s fingers tingled. Take that, Ron. “Who?” He shouted, bewildered. She hadn’t thought that far ahead.

The Soulmate Test by ThebeMoon - M, one-shot - Draco Malfoy’s life after the War has lapsed into a steamy round of indulgence between the Manor and Knockturn Alley. A highly eligible bachelor despite his dark past, Draco is used to scheming witches glamouring “DLM” on their arms and claiming to be his soulmate in accordance with ancient magic. But he never expected Hermione Granger to be one of them.

The Muggle's Wise Daughter by Mariana_Monteverde - G, 2 chapters - A Dramione Fairytale AU.Draco is a young King, one of his ministers has betrayed him, and the man's only salvation is the ability of his daughter solving the King's Riddle...

Reverse by kifiyathewriter - T, one-shot - When a number of his patients begin to die from a mysterious ailment, Draco Malfoy goes on a mission to seek out the source and unwittingly uncovers a dark truth.

You, Me, and all my other Figments by Shamione - T, one-shot - Hermione sighed dejectedly, glancing over a stone facade that had once plagued her nightmares: Malfoy Manor. A home that, at one point, had been her sole source of anguish. It was now a place that bore a new level of melancholy, though. A place that reminded Hermione Granger that Draco Malfoy was gone.He'd vanished and left no clues toward his whereabouts. Nothing, that is, until the Manor's wards were dropped. A rusty amulet is the single shred of evidence that could shed light on Hermione's once boyfriend.A new scar, an awful date, and an image of the man she'd desperately missed are the only clues to help her find her missing love.

How the Omega Was Won by Amebb42 - M, one-shot - When Hermione presents as an Omega, she is appalled to discover that the Alphas usually fight amongst themselves and whoever is strongest takes the Omega. The Weasley twins help her come up with a way to "try out" the local Alphas and choose for herself. They might have left out a few details of where she will find herself within this new product of theirs.

RX by Starryar - M, one-shot -  STOP! Did you know this one shot was expanded into a multi-chap? Check out 'RX - The Full Story' for additional content! ------ Written for the Double Trouble Fest. Thank you Dramione Fanfiction Writers for hosting this! Assigned Tropes: Meet Ugly & Prison AU. Please mind the tags. ------ Draco Lucius Malfoy was stuck in-between enjoy life and rebuilding it. Should he throw his life away on the drugs, or should he create an honorable legacy for the Malfoy name? Perhaps he already knew the answer, but was putting off responsibility as long as he could. Hermione Jean Granger had been hit hard after the war. She didn't qualify for the order of Merlin and she had no family due to her memory charms being too great. The war veteran decided that Healer School was her best bet at undoing her own charms, but the price for education was never cheap. Two days in one cell and the two once enemies may find unexpected help in each other - if they don't get charged with murder first.

This fest is ongoing.

#dramionefanfictionwriters #Fests/Exchanges/Challenges

[tellywoodtrash]

ishqbaaz 14.09.17 lb

it’s so strange to not have anika around. like... the ghar/room/show actually seems khaali khaali. i didn’t feel like this when nakuul went on vacay. hence proved that surbhi is the actual jaan of this show. 😌😌😌

itne dino baad yeh banda kuch kaam kar raha hai, yeh rudra ka bachcha woh bhi nahi karne dega. 😒😒😒

i’m already giggling at shivaay’s face. 😂😂😂

“yeh waali problem thodi ajeeb hai.” 

bhaiyya is intrigued. 😯😯😯

“it’s about my... performance, bhaiyya.” 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA THE HIGH PITCHED “HUHHHH?!?!!?” SHIVAAY LET OUT HAHAHA 🤣🤣🤣🤣

“mujhe bhavya ko prove karna hai!!!” “kya?” “KI MAIN BACHCHA NAHI HOON! MAIN MARD HOON! PAR MUJHSE KUCH HO NAHI RAHA!!!!!!”

hahahaha shivaay’s like I LOVE YOU BABY BRO BUT I REALLY DON’T NEED TO KNOW THIS 😫😫😫😫

love that even in between the convo, shivaay did that standard hindu gesture of reverence to the dropped file, and indicated to rudra to do the same. like, it’s just an inbuilt habit for me to do that to books/paper/people if i accidentally touch them with my foot. it was suchhhhhh a hard thing to explain to white people when i was in usa. 😐😐😐

hahahahahaha poor shivaaaaay. such a jhatka he’s getting this early in the morninggggg. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

LMAO ANIKA KYA BATAYEGI... TUNE KUCH KIYA KAHAN HAI BATAANE KO. 😆😆😆

“main chahta hoon jaise anika bhaabi khush hai, waise bhavya bhi khush rahe.”

lolololololol trust me rudy, any “khushi” she’s getting isn’t from your bhaiyya here. *cough* apna haath, jagannaath. *cough* 

lmaoooo shivaay is FREAKING the fuckkkkkk outtttt 🤣🤣🤣🤣

okkkkkkk finalllllllllly. matter is clear. 

HIS RELIEFFFFFFFFFFF HAHAHA

waise i feel so bad for boys if they can’t discuss such things with each other. this is why i am so overwhelmingly relieved to be a woman and have girl friends i can talk about everything from my period flow to lord knows what ever the fuck else weird shit my body is up to that day. 😗😗😕😕😕

bhaiyya is just confirming, ki... sachhhh mein “uss area” mein issues thodi hai? 😟😟😟

“tujhe koiiiiii problem nahi hai, i am so happy!!!!! TU MUJH PE GAYA HAI!” 

ew! yeh bhi koi genetic trait hai proud hone waali? lord. men. ugh. 🙄🙄🙄

eh le, bulbul is just in her standard kapde? shivaay told you to look hottttttttttt, girl! 

godddd that stupidass kurtaaaa of his. exhibition ke din toh dhang ke kapde pehenta, om!!! 😣😣😣

i haven’t seen om look this animated in foreverrrrrrrr. 😕😕😕

he looks so happy to see her! awwwwwwwww, my heart! 😍😍😍

is he holding his hand out to her? please don’t be gesturing to something behind her!!! PLEASE! MY HEART WON’T BE ABLE TO TAKE IT. 😯😯😯

ok no, it IS to her. thank god. 

is she dreaming all this? oh god is this a dream? MY HEART WON’T BE ABLE TO TAKE THAT EITHER. 😯😯😯😯😯

i can’t stop freaking out. coz i know SOMETHING has to go wrong so everyyyy damn action of his is seeming shady to me. 😖😖😖

WAIT WHAT? IS THIS A FUCKING DREAM OR NOTTTT I NEED IT TO BE CONFIRMED THIS ISN’T A DREAM COZ I HONESTLY FEEL LIKE IMMA THROW UP RIGHT NOW 😫😫😫🤢🤢🤢😥😥😥

YUP.  KNEW IT. 

ok don’t tell me bulbul is feeling insecure coz the other ladies are in western. comeeee on girl, you look good! 

ok shivaay please, just give us a get rich quick scheme, we don’t have time for a whole MBA course from you rn. 

the amount of times shivaay has had to clarify that’s he’s NOT SUGGESTING RUDRA DABBLE WITH PROSTITUTION is amazing. 😐😐😐

“create a need” - wow, spoken like a true MBA asshole. i would know. i’m one of them.

bhaiyya is still oddly fixated on rudra’s plumbing. FUCKING LET IT GO SHIVAAY. TU APNE SEX LIFE KI SOCH. APNA TOH KUCH HO NAHI RAHA EK SAAL SE, RUDY KE LIYE BADA PARESHAAN HAI... FUCKING IDIOT. 🙄🙄🙄

back to bulbul. girl hold that head up high, you’re the most beautiful human being in this room by a factor of 10. 😌😌😌

oh boy is she going to get insecure seeing om talk to the girl in the blue dress? 😬😬😬

oh ho bulbul, omki bhi toh desi chirota banke aaya hai. no need to be overly paranoid. just chill. 😶😶😶

her anxiety is ramping up MY anxiety. 

ok vrinda’s acting is hella bad and killing me. behen, lines ratta maare hai, theek hai, but aise elocution mein poem ki tarah kyun jhaad rahi ho?  

ok bulbul, he didn’t even knowww you were here. 😦😦😦

OK VRINDA YOU BITCH, DON’T YOU MAKE THAT SNOTTY FACE AT MY GIRL. 😠😠😠

oh god. what evennnnnnn is this idiot going to do? apne saare gym equipment kabaadi ko bech raha hai kya? 😐😐😐

lmaooooooo i love these two idiots. 

bhavya honestlyyyy, do you not have anything better to do in life? like... sultan’s still loose... SVETLANA’S STILL IN THE HOUSE... MATLAB, KUCH TOH KAAM KARLE, MERI BEHEN. 😗😗😗

using govt. services and resources for personal use. nice. 

wow. chubby’s a good marketer. 

OK FUCK OFF YOU FAT SHAMING ASSHOLE. 😐😐😐

ok rudra, stop being mean to chubby. he’s the only one helping you out right now. 

omfg chubby is so cute “training karna hai toh mujhe contact karna, i’m a ready punching bag” what a cupcake. 😭😭😭😭

ok om, don’t be an asshole to her. please don’t be an asshole. 😣😣😣

this is.... gauri. (............................) 

oh just a random woman named gauri standing next to you huh??? 😒😒😒😒😒😒

ok, come the fuck on, why would gauri be awkward about shaking hands? kuchhhhh bhi. awaiii making the character look like a country bumpkin when she’s not! 🙄🙄🙄

why are ppl willing to pay TWICE the price rudra is starting at for a USED punching bag? kya chutiya log hai. 😣😣😣

omg, flashback to baby rudra and shivaay. 

ok they messed up the ages of the kids tho. shivaay’s 10 - 11 years older than rudra. the shivaay should be at 20ish, given that the baby rudra looks 10ish.

aw, rudra was bullied for being chubbbbby. 🙁🙁🙁

ok very abrupt end to that scene. damnit, show me more of my boys as babies! i wanna see overly serious and business minded baby shivaay!

awwwwwwww no, why’d you selll thaaaaaaat rudraaaaaaaa?!?! 😥😥😥😥

also god bless chubby. what a good friend. i love him.  💘💘💘

did he make the 25k?????

ohhhhhhh boy, press is being intrusive assholes as usual.

OMFG WHAT NONSENSE, THE PRESS WOULD NEVER LAUGH LIKE THAT AT SOMEONE ASKING TO BE SPOKEN TO IN HINDI. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK EVEN???????? 😑😑😑😑

what stupidassssss questions. and i don’t wanna watch this scene it’s giving me tooooo much michmichiiiiii

ok i’m fwding coz i actually CANNOT handle it. i hate when they make such BS issues outta nowhere. 😫😫😫😤😤😤😤

lol rudra ke 25k aaaye nahi ke paise maangne waale bhi aa gaye. welcome to adulthood, rudy! 🤑🤑🤑🤑

ok om to the rescueeeee.

damnnnn, assertiveKara is hottttt as hell. 😍😍😍😍

from assertiveKara to just an ASS in 2 seconds flat. ugh, whyyyyy om? 😩😩😩😩😩

blah blah blah ruvya nonsense, fwding, coz i really don’t care. 

bitchy vrinda’s back. and being a bitchy again. 😤😤😤

YAAAAAAAAAS OM! TELL HER OFF! DEFEND YOUR WIFE! 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

woulda been nice if you would have done it when she was still here though. sigh. 

wow, one ruvya scene that didn’t make me cringe and want to dieeeeeee.😯😯😯😯

AAAAAAAAAAND THEY RUINED IT WITH A SONG SEQUENCE. LORD WHYYYYYYYYYYYY. UGH. FWDING. 

... IS THAT BHAVYA’S ISSUE? THAT SHE’S 4 YEARS OLDER? SIS, THAT’S THE LEASTTTTTTTTTT OF THE ISSUES IN THIS RELATIONSHIP. 😕😕😕

oh gauriiiii. my babyyyyyyyy. noooooo. *hugs her super-tight* 

OH THANK GOD. SHIVAAY IS HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHIVAAY IS HERE!!!!!! 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

shivaay and anika are the only ones from this family of circus freaks that deserve gauri’s blessed presence in their life. only they REALLLLLLY care about her. fuck all the rest of you oberois. 

if one year ago, you’d have told me that SHIVAAY SINGH OBEROI sits on the floor to talk to and comfort this random non NKK-possessing girl who managed to find herself in this house through the strangest of circumstances, i would have told you that you were out of your godforsaken mind. but *sigh* i’m so happy at all the fates that conspired to bring these two into each others’ lives. 😪😪😪😪✨✨✨✨

SHIVAAY, TALKING ABOUT HOW SOCIETY IS FUCKED UP FOR JUDGING PEOPLE ON THE LANGUAGE THEY SPEAK. I AM DESTROYEDDDD. THE GROWTH THIS MAN HAS UNDERGONEEEE. 😭😭😭😭😭😭

ok i am legit crying at him adamantly telling her that there could never be a girl more perfect for om. fuck, my hearttttttttttttt. 😭😭😭😭😭

“main sab theek kar doonga, gauri.” 

aaaaaand now i’m weeping. like loud heaving sobs. great. 😭😭😭😭😭

ok don’t show me this ruvya garbage after the perfection that was that shivRi scene. like, honestly, I DO NOT FUCKING CARE.

whut? billu’s getting champi? other people are allowed to touch his hair now???? 😐😐😐😐

billu, i hope you’re using that phone to sext. or you know... TELL HER YOU LOVE HER. YOU STUPID FUCK. 😩😩😩😩

ooooohhhh, billu’s getting inspired by dadi’s old-school romance stories. 

ok please dadi, stop singing. please. 😬😬😬

lmao shivaay’s like dadi you sing even worse than meeee. which is true. she’s that terrible. 😆😆😆😆

ugh such cute. 

lol dadi’s embarrassing billllu with her lovey doveyyy nonsense. 😅😅😅

ugh. pinkyyyyy. god knows what khichdi she’s pakoing now. 😒😒😒

wow, dadi just came down strong on pinky. ek chaanta toh already pada hai, don’t force dadi to bust out the belan. 😧😧😧😧

rudra seems to be going through jekyll and hyde kinda issues here. okaaaay??? 🤔🤔🤔🤔

what’s tejjjjjjj up to now? 

i looooooooooooove his shirts man. i love them alllll. 😊😊😊

buddhon ka romance. 😏😏😏

but wow, first time i’m seeing tej seeming contrite. please god, reform his character. i don’t like having to hate mahesh thakur, who has the most positive, puppy dog-ish face ever. 😌😌😌

dangggggggggg svetlanaaaa, why so pretty?! 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍

lol billu’s ~~DEMANDS~~ for the paper to write his premmmm patraaaa on. 🙄🙄🙄

LMAO DADI CAUGHT HIMMMMM. DADI LET THE POOR BOY LIIIIVE. 😆😆😆

#ishqbaaz #ishqbaaaz #ib episode liveblogs #episode liveblogs #140917 ib lb

[rexylafemme]

this precious time when time is new

things come full circle all the time. ruben touched down in nyc on saturday. micah and i trekked to laguardia to get him, laughing on the way about how ridiculous we all were in the bay, how we bet our lil ruben looks more grown now, seasoned, hehe. the last time micah, ruben, and i were together was for the full pisces supermoon in late summer, september 2015--the night before micah would move back to nyc, our last full night at our house all together. a month before ruben would leave, two months before i would leave. this time, ruben arrived in time for the virgo full moon, pisces’ opposite, in late winter 2017, the coldest, snowiest week we’ve had.

that last night together in september, we drove to alameda beach armed with paper, some stones, herbs & flowers, gifts & letters from ex-whatevers & poem drafts to throw to the ocean, ruben’s signature drink: fireball whiskey (ew), a blunt, some candles, a mini speaker. all the trappings for a spell for letting go, for saying goodbye. bitch better have my money on in the car ride there, our heads hanging out the window, boisterous--our anthem for that year (/always), being broke, undervalued, and continuously doing too much work for too little or free, retail and retail and food service and gigs and workshops and unofficial art modeling and freelance writing and recording and plans that kept falling through. now we were in the home stretch. we laid down our blanket, we set out our herbs, our stones, our candles. we sat in a triangle, wrote silently for awhile: what we would surrender to the bay, what we would leave there, what we couldn’t keep or hold anymore. also, what new journeys we needed new strength for.

we went around and said some words about what we’d written, said some sentimental stuff about each other. poured out some fireball, passed it around til it was gone--so sickly sugary & spicy like melted/liquefied big red gum, coating yr mouth and throat. we stuffed our losses in the bottle and walked to the shoreline. we fumbled trying to figure out a way for all three of us to hold the bottle while we threw it, haha. the moon hung to the left of our viewscape, leaving a moving trail of yellow on the water as we watched the bottle bobble away. i walked into the water alone up to my waist--feeling grateful, trying to absolve myself of this place and all its failures, looking up at the moon and asking it my questions about what next and help and please don’t let us lose this. hearing micah and ruben laugh from the sand, smiling to myself with love for them, sighing and crying a little. no turning back now, can’t hold onto everything, nothing is forever, and then it was over, the night. tomorrow everything would be different. just one more chip off an already broken heart. 

“nothing’s changed!” micah exclaimed laughing as we stood propped against the subway doors on the Q train to brooklyn. ruben and i fake-fighting, the bates motel norma and norman faux-codependence theatrical game we’d play-- we all go a little mad sometimes, there’s a cord between our hearts, etc. the three of us hugging and giggling. after almost two hours of traveling from queens to flatbush, we wound up at micah and sharmin’s for game night. i was in the middle of a two-week marathon of insomnia and ptsd nights, so i was feeling raw/cranky/crazy/depleted/negative and was waiting for my affections to catch up with the present moment. ruben! friends! games! you don’t wanna go home and write by yourself, rex, you fool. it’s saturday night! but knowing when i’m like this, at night i get all weird & doubtful & dark, but reminding myself to just be myself, relax, remember what’s good, no pressure, if you need to leave, you can. and you might even enjoy yourself. and of course i didn’t wind up going home til 2am, spent and full, as suddenly the future hit--clocks springing ahead to 3am for daylight savings.

but before that, sharmin’s friends arrived trickle by trickle until there were about ten of us.  uno, jenga, slapjack, drinks, snacks, bullshit, taboo (team names: beyonce v. solange, and ruben and i were on the solange team, the weirder, low key underdog, and we won), stories, music, nintendo, laughter, newness, familiarity. it felt so nourishing to be in a room full of working class folks, folks from queens and bk, and ruben & micah: the two down suburban qts, home people--that easiness and fluency that comes with not having to explain yourself, everyone just getting it, breathing room & shared experiences.  micah and i trying to explain all the wild connections between the people in the bay and the people out here. how i met sharmin, tanya (& tres tho only briefly), and jesse through black brunch organizing in 2014 when i was visiting home from the bay. learning sharmin and jesse both were from my qnz hood and knew my childhood bff ro through other organizing avenues. jova and reuben knew sharmin, too, and tanya and tres, jova having told me tanya and i needed to know each other way before this meeting bc of our poor white femme nyc/nj lives. later, when i moved home and jova was so right about tanya and me, and someow tres & tanya had known micah round the way (?!?!?!). and before that, when micah first moved back to nyc, he called me to talk about some amazing femme he met at the club--something that never happens for us--being so enchanted or even pursued at the club (partially bc we never even bothered to go), and as he described her, i was like, “wait, is her name sharmin???” hehehe, clearly micah can’t get enough of catty witches from queens. explaining the connections between all the ex-friends-&-lovers, too--nyc, the bay-- disenchantments & the chaos and the relief that it was all over. happy to be laughing about it now. ending stories. we have no past, we won’t reach back; keep with me forward all through the night.

origin stories. apparently, the first night ruben moved into our 668 apartment, micah and i were hosting a big party. i laughed and apologized retroactively, but it so sums up where we were at at the time. ruben said it helped him integrate tho, he felt welcomed and i remember being so thrilled to introduce him to everyone. realizing how much the three of us got each other through those two years--all the drama, all the marches, the confusion, blowouts, heartbreaks, housing scares, bad jobs, the nights, the mornings--waking up with glitter on our faces, splayed eyeliner, party carnage, or just waking up to work & life fatigue, big breakfasts, sitting in the sun on our stoop year-round. so much we shared and still a lot of room for things we couldn’t say and didn’t have to. but, how home the three of of us felt to each other then, and now, and how we extended that sense of home to others--sometimes guests sleeping over in every room of the house except the kitchen, our place a safe zone on march routes, multiple sets of people staying with us through rocky times, the big meals we’d host when i was working at  farmers’ markets & the spice shop simultaneously, pooper cat game nights, the trigger warning performance series + parties we threw out of the house. talya called our place the gay frat house (tho i have to say in defense that it was quite clean). leo sun/leo rising/leo moon trio. so familiar, so sweet, so effortless, so open. our little clubhouse, our little family. remembering is good if you don’t let it be the fear in you.

i think we felt lacking then, i think we felt we couldn’t get our footing or find somewhere where we belonged-- but looking back, we created what we didn’t have and we invited other people into it. all the adult misfits. we got burned by being open indiscriminately and it made us shrinking violets by the end, but we’re blooming again now. riding that bloom wave.

at one point the other night, i overheard sharmin say to a friend, “aren’t they so cute? they’re such teen boys over there.” as we were sitting in a corner doing our thing. and that was always true of our vibe-- our bond full of youthful, long-lost brother feels. but, soft, feminine boys, & sometimes we’re not boys at all. 668 40th st, living one up from hell, we’d joke, which maybe is what gifted us that mythical queer fountain-of-youth gene where we look 17 forever. young leos. after long days of work + grad school madness (me) or undergrad madness (ruben), in between assignments, projects, art, meetings, shifts, we were always watching movies from our childhoods, making forts, running around in our underwear, making art on the floor in the living room, doing drag, playing board games, talking shit, pushing each other around and wrestling and cuddling and teasing each other, holding hands and being protective of each other when we had to. our intimacy--so easy & necessary & good & a balm from the bad intimacies we got lost in at times. we grew together: we all taught each other things and challenged each other, especially through our differences. bb ruben had never met a trans person before and micah and i were like “well, here we are!” and both of us so different in our trans-ness. we were all so inviting & open to excavating each other so we could be better at honoring who we all were.

and in new york now, finally living here on my own terms, regardless of the obstacles: housing scares and failures, the last of the bad intimacies (i hope), and family, i am thinking of who i was before. the sense of un-belonging that’s had me leaving new york over and over, the pain of lineage that had me craving escape, craving to be someone else, craving to leave them all behind. while simultaneously always trying to make sense of the people i come from so i could make sense of myself: the grief i never let go of, the contradictions, the violence and the nourishment of us. how all of this and my own self within it--freakish, theatrical, full of shadows, so of them & yet so so other--had me always searching. the people, the others: i was always looking for and the ones i always found. there were the inexplicably lovable yet destructive ones who reified all of the patterns in me i was always trying to leave behind, and then i finally did. bye. and then all the people who were so new; whose influence, paired with my own, allowed us to make something from nothing-- magic, create beauty from old tragedies, whether we spoke of them or not. cosmic people, like ruben and micah, the pretty, sweet boys. boys who weren’t afraid to cry or to touch or to admit to love and fear and failure and wanting. and the three of us, whoever we are and will be, knowing our love was/is strong enough to withhold our leaving, being apart, and all of the transformations that would flush out of walking away, of change. that there would always be a road back. paths that cross will cross again!

and ruben is still here until saturday, so my sentimentality is running away with me. blame it on my wild heart. hehe.

#venus in furs #venus boys #boys #femmes #shadow #love #friends #queers #leos #young leo #nyc #homecoming #siblings