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#Sometimes I want to draw things but realistically it can't hold my attention in that way
thediktatortot · 5 months
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Sometimes I have to remind myself that I do not have to Create™ for every single thing I like. I do not have to make fanart, I do not have to write fic and I do not have to have conversation about it.
I can simply, enjoy it.
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funkymbtifiction · 2 years
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Hi Charity! I was wondering if some of these things could be explained/caused by certain cognitive functions and enneagram:
1. (This happened not once but this incident stood out to me and kind of explains how I approach a lot of this in real life, not only games) Some time ago, I was playing a game with a friend where he was holding around 4 or 5 cards, and my objective was to either draw a card of which he was thinking of. Instead of "going with the gut feeling", I analyzed the position of the cards - usually three steps ahead - an obvious decoy card, a card which falls second under suspicion, the one which is "hidden" (and draws attention to itself the most, just like the first "decoy" card that is right in your face) and one/two seemingly "normal positioned" ones. It was like I was testing multiple theories of assigning each card the designated role, and then picking out the scenario which seemed more plausible and made the most sense. In the end, I won all the rounds in this game and my friend was amazed about how I managed to do it, and I still don't know if it was just pure luck (maybe to a degree?). I was thinking if it could be a result of some cognitive function showing off their skills, haha.
2. I often operate on the same "scheme" in my everyday life, if it makes sense - taking in something new, seeing what it presents to me and what valuable information I can draw out of it to act in a situation or to jist have something available to me. Sometimes I ask my friends and acquaintances some bold/controversial questions it's not that I am interested in *just* what they say - I look to how they say it and how their words conflict with what they actually mean/want to say. My friend once asked if I really expect them to answer them in full honesty - and I really don't, I just want to see their reaction, id they would lie or tell the truth, what emotion they would visibly express to me. Still, I tend to hold people accountable for their words alone, no "sparing" people from their words and actions just because I have a logical understanding why they said/did something. Sometimes people says that I come across as someone very indifferent. 
3. I can't stand when people complain that they aren't going to be able to get through something (like a task) or panic that something might happen even if there is no basis for this fear. It feels like people drown themselves in that negativity and excuse it as being "realistic", and in the end they succumb to their negativity and have this "told you I'd fail" attitude. Honestly, sometimes I think that you need to lie to yourself to get through something difficult. When I am working on a difficult project, I usually tell myself that I am the coolest and everything will be okay, and I can't let myself rest until I am finished, because I feel like if I take a break, I might also fall into those negative thoughts about maybe not being able to do it, and that I don't have the abilities to make sure that my work is done perfectly etc. I really don't see the point of constantly mentioning that you are going to fail to other people. I get if someone needs reassurance and support but I think that moping about it in holes that someone will notice your sadness and comfort you is very weird yet extremely common.
Thank you! I hope you have a good day! :)
Sounds like ISTP and a positive Enneagram type, or at least one who has an adjacent tendency toward self doubt (maybe 7w6?). You're analyzing, breaking things down, processing, but also looking for sensory reactions and living in the moment. You like to stay in motion to avoid negativity and self-doubt -- running toward doing things to avoid the thoughts that come upon you when you are sitting still.
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zozophoenixxx · 3 years
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Serotonin Booster :D 🐉
How to train your dragon edition
Here are some things I had forgotten or little details I just noticed on my rewatch, maybe even Unpopular Opinions 🤭👀
✨Race to the Edge ✨
SEASON 5
Meatlug and Toothless messing around in ep1 when Hiccup and Fishlegs are trying to figure out how to stabilize the island 🥺
I remember when I first watched this I was actually in bio and hearing Ruff and Tuff talk about symbiosis was like " WOW IM LEARNING THAT" 😂😂😂
Symbiotic relationship - symbiosis is the interaction between organisms living in close physical association to the advantage of both
It can lead to -> parasitism - a non-mutual symbiotic relationship between species where the parasite benefits at the expense of the host
- Hookfang and Snotlout have a parasitic relationship JAHDHAHSHA
wait I like that instead of calling a relationship toxic now imma be like "this shii is parasitic peace out ✌🏼️"
HICCSTRID FOREHEAD KISSES OMG😭
I like how Barf and Belch are incredibly strong, I feel like it's a fact that's usually ignored about them
Astrid: *talking about Garf* that dragon has a lot of fight in him
Hiccup: *while placing his hand on her shoulder* he's not the only one
I can't ok I love them too much 🥺
WAIT I JUST NOTICED THE FORESHADOWING WHEN THE TWINS WERE REFERRING TO JOHAN AS A PARASITE OMG 😳
THE BETROTHAL NECKLACE 😭😭😭
Fishlegs licking Astrid's hand is hilariousss nonono it's just that scene in general when Fishlegs is trying to help Astrid find the betrothal gift for Hiccup and she judo-flips him and then sits on him like 🤔
Sandbuster - doesn't like the light. Lives underground.
Astrid riding Toothless to save Hiccup. Just badass.
Hiccup giving Astrid the betrothal necklace and telling her that it's ok that she didn't get him anything bc she's the best gift in the world 🥺
And their hug and the way he moved her out of harm's way whenever Snotlout threw the sword
Still sad abt Shattermaster being replaced by the Triple Stryke
I really liked ep3 whenever they were in Berserker island bc we got to see them actually fighting in battle without their dragons it was pretty cool
The beginning of ep4 is also hilarious I can't with Astrid and Snotlout fighting and then also Astrid beating him up JAHDHAHSHA
- I also always wanted to know what Snotlout said to her 😭😭😭 all of them were just extremely concerned and shocked and Snotlout even had to leave the Edge UGH AHZHZHAG
Atali and the Wingmaidens 👏🏼🤩
"Males would neither understand, nor would they be helpful." Atali is a queen
Vanaheim - the last resting place of all dragons
"Sadness is a matter of perspective. It is how you choose to view something that makes it happy, scary, intriguing, or sad"
Ok so is Stormfly a tracker-class dragon or a sharp-class dragon?
Sentinels - Know all the dragons so they know how to deal with each of their tactics. Run Vanaheim. Have never encountered night furies. Good trackers. Blind. They tend to the island
OMG I FORGOT THAT VANAHEIM IS THE SKELETON OF THE KING OF DRAGONS
HAND HOLDING AND KISSES UFFF THANK U
Hiccstrid kiss count: 3😘
It's the way it's so realistic too, the way he smiles at her, the way he holds her hand and looks at her, the way she puts her hand on his chest and he lightly touches it with his free hand I just can't they're too perfect
Snotlout's excitement to see that Fishlegs was Fishlegs again and not Thor Bonecrusher- I mean the dude went running towards him🥺
I love how Hiccup just knows when Astrid's thinking about something
SPARRING HICCSTRID UGHHH I LOVE THIS SCENE
The way he's just in such a good mood afterwards 🥺
The scene leading up to the moonlight flight in ep7. I love them so much.
Hiccstrid Scene: ep7 min 5:42 -> 7:24
Meatlug's shot was the first to free a Singetail from a dragon flyer
Just realized that Johan not being able to get Hiccup's oil was probably also part of a plan to get them away from the edge to attack
Ok but Snotlout actually taking the initiative to be the leader while Hiccup and Astrid were away
The edge 🥺and when he destroyed his own Hut 🥺 I can't 🥺
I love how Mala and Throk were both trying to put the gang in a better mood
Silicates makes Meatlug drool
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Tuffnut's Spanish is amazing we love to see a bilingual king✋🏼👑
Just realized that Krogan's name is well... Krogan. I never actually paid attention to the dude.
OMG WE GET TO SEE DRAGO IN THIS SEASON THIS IS CRAZY
I really like the twins in the Wings of War Episodes, the way they attempt to speak Spanish and start pronouncing the Rrrrrrrrs
Spitelout too lmao the way he helped Hiccup 🤩
It was also Spitelout the one that figured out that the Singetails don't like the altitude
I really love how Hiccup actually found a way to fight the flyers without hurting the Singetails, OMG IT REMINDS ME OF AANG when everyone was telling him to just kill the FIRELORD he found the right way
Tuff has a feet fettish
Stormfly and Garff messing around is too funny I love them sm 😭
Snotlout can be so sad sometimes
The twins singing >>
And that hug between Stormfly and Garff, they're just adorable 🥺🤧
HAHDHSHAHA THE WAY ASTRID LOOKED AT FISHLEGS WHENEVER THE SLITHERWINGS SHOWED
Slitherwings - very poisonous dragons! Even their skin is coated in poison. Like snake appearance. Not much is known about its poison and how it works but there is an antidote -> combination of angel fern root, pine sap and Slitherwing venom. The skin coating protects them from Garff's amber
Stormfly is such a badass omg I love her sm the way she protected Garff
Garff is an excellent shot according to Fishlegs
Fishlegs telling Astrid to look at him is just adorable, the way he wanted her to feel better 😭
Have I mentioned how much I love lil Hiccstrid moments? They dont even have to be romantic but just them? Like he just lightly touched her shoulder and told her to be strong and be there for Stormfly 🥺
Snotlout actually being worried about Astrid 🤧
I will never get over Astrid and Stormfly's relationship and how close they are, they would do anything for each other and Astrid just proved that by going up to the Slitherwing and PUNCHING THE LIL SHIT just to get Stormfly the antidote. AND WHEN SHE STARTED CRYING!!! As Tuffnut said "no one has ever prepared us for something like this"
And the Ruffnut being there for her and protecting her 😭😭😭
Astrid can actually draw
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Still pissed about the fact that Hiccup never knew Astrid got poisoned NOW I NEED TO READ A FANFIC ON IT
That scene in Snuffnut [ep11] where Throk arrives to take Ruffnut as his wife is too funny. The way Astrid is pissed since the beginning and both Hiccup and Fishlegs are like "umm nope" AND WHEN HICCUP TAKES ASTRID OUT OF THE SCENE AND ALL YOU CAN HEAR IS HIM SCREAMING AND THESE RANDOM NOISES 😩😩😩😂
It really bothered me that Astrid had to stay behind in Looking for Oswald... And Chicken [ep12] just to take care of the twins when we could've had some Hiccstrid 😩😭 but it makes sense because Astrid is the only one Hiccup can actually trust on to keep things under control because even though Fishlegs is kinda sane neither the twins nor Snotlout would listen to him and Snotlout would definitely join the twins or just make things worse somehow. I mean they've both proven themselves to be fully capable but well- yk... Astrid is just Astrid
Astrid and Stormfly's faces whenever the twins said they needes a dragon that loves tracking and chicken😭😂😩
Chicken covering her tracks and Snotlout as narrator 😂
Omg Dagur saw Oswald's dead body... He even had to bury him and wow-
Grim Gnashers - hunters that prey on the sick dragons in Vanaheim.
Chicklet🐥🐥🐥🐥
SNOTLOUT'S TAN LINE OMGGG
"Please let me hurt him. Please? Just-- just a little?"JAHSHAHAJAJ I LOVE AGGRESSIVE DAGUR
Fishlegs saying that "Snotlout can actually be pretty handy in an air battle" is so true. Like we mostly see Snotlout as this dumb, sarcastic, rebellious dude who doesn't care about anyone but himself and but that's actually not true he's actually caring and will fight for the ones he loves but he won't say that because he cares too much about what others think of him 😭
I really dislike Johan sm u guys don't understand like I used to like him and feel bad whenever ppl cut him short but ughhhhhhh it's the subtle things too like him telling Heather to give them the dragon eye, him screaming in Snotlout's ear, not extending his hand to grab Heather, and him putting his hand out to "grab" the lens but just causing Snotlout to drop it
The way Heather jumped to get Windshear and the way Windshear kept telling her to leave and save herself
Archipelago gold = The clouds of corn = pop corn
I can't believe I'm about to start season 6 this is actually so sad
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COLORS
A/N: No smut, sorry. Written for @princessstevens if she's silk still on tumblr. Based on this picture
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"Kellan, call me when you get this," I say hanging up before walking into my building.
He never checks his voicemail so I send him a text too asking him to call me. We go to different schools, he's in the Bachelor's program at Brandman for Business and I'm at Alan Hancock for Art. I know he's probably driving right now or doing something. I remember when I met him, three months ago at Target of all places. I typically don't even shop at Target, I go to Walmart, but I was in there and so was he with his cute ass. I fell in love in the hair section. I was actually stalking him on my way to the body wash, but he was standing in the hair aisle getting conditioner for his thickass curly hair. We were a match made in heaven. 
"Hey mama," I greet on my way to the kitchen to cook the pack of chicken sitting out in the sink.  
"How was school? Take that trash bag out for me," she says before I can respond.
I look in the trash and change the bag, taking the old one to the chute before washing my hands in the empty side of the sink. The moment I rip open the pack of chicken and start washing it, Kellan calls.
"MAAAA, CAN YOU GET THAT?"
She wanders over fast and answers it having her own conversation with my man as I clean chicken. It sounds like they're talking about how his week has been, his classes, and something that's got ma laughing up a storm behind me. I didn't know Kellan was such a comedian. Something about this seems reversed. I keep waiting but I never get the phone so when I heat the oil and start dredging the chicken, I decide to butt into their conversation and ask.
"Uh, ma, can you put it on speaker so I can talk to him, he called to talk to me!" I start putting the chicken in the hot oil.
"Oh hold on, Kellan, my daughter is here getting her knickers in a twist," she mutters putting the phone on speaker. "I think she wants your attention now all to herself."
Kellan snickers. He and my mama are always teaming up on me like it's funny. 
"I know you not laughing," I threaten at the phone, dropping chicken in the pan. "I've been trying to talk to you all day because I missed you but you wanna talk to my mama for-" I look at the time, "Five whole minutes."
"Awww, this baby.. she jealous," Kellan chuckles. "I think she mad you like me more than her."
"Keep acting like you tryna take my Mama from me, nigga. I ain't down with no incestuous shi-stuff," I pause genuinely mad. "You ain't finna be my man and act like my brother, I got a brother. That's nasty."
I don't know why I get mad, but I do. I love my mama. She's mine, not his.. I love Kellan, but he be annoying me for real with that shit because my mama gets too into it like she's not playing. She really does like him more than me. He doesn't understand that and keeps rubbing it in my face.
"You got one more time and you ain't coming over here no more."
"That's our mama's decision," he jokes. I cringe. 
"Exactly," she adds.
I put the tongs down and walk out going to my room and shutting the door. I was gonna tell him about COLORS and invite him to come with me but he's pissed me off and now I don't want to talk to him. My mama doesn't even bring my phone right away, it's two more minutes of them still talking. When she brings it, I yell that I don't wanna talk to him. "Well finish the chicken," she directs. I do it.. but I'm still irritated. 
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"And then when he finally calls me back he doesn't even wanna speak to me. Too busy playing mama's boy to a woman who's not even his mama," I vent at the table watching Yaya's thinned lips stretch in silent judgement across from me. I know she doesn't agree with me, but she's not in my shoes.
"You gotta understand he's just getting comfortable. Your mom's probably trying to be accepting. He's your boyfriend."
"No." That's not it, it's not that simple. "He will dead call for her and ignore me. She doesn't care what I do in a day and I can't get her to look at my art for more than two seconds but he gets her undivided attention. He's only known her for three months."
"That's how it is sometimes," she shrugs. I shake my head.
"No. That's not how it is, and if it is I can't be doing this. No, ma'am."
Her finger raises and I shut up as she takes a call. I didn't even hear a ring, but based on her face she's not liking whoever it is on the phone or what they have to say. She has that stank face that she gets when someone's got her twisted. Meanwhile, the waitress pops back up.
"Ready to order or do you guys need a few more minutes?"
"You must got me fucked up," Yaya blurts causing the server's brow to raise as she looks from Yaya to me. She only asked what we were ordering.
"We're ready to order," I smile. Quickly she takes her pen from her pile of blonde hair.
"I'm not working Friday after I already said I needed that day off," Yays waves to me to order for her since she's on the phone. I know what she'd order. The server looks from her again back to me readying her paper and pen.
"She'll take the fried chicken with mac and collards. I'll take the house cheeseburger with fries.. thank you," I nod as she walks away. I take a sip of my iced tea, wiping the condensation from the glass onto my dress and leaning forward with my hands in my lap.
"Right, but I said it back in July so you'd know I'd need this Friday off. It's in writing, do I need to pull it up," Yaya threatens to whoever is on the phone. I wonder what's going on on Friday. "Yes, pull it up and look at the email.. uhuh.. Yes, so Fri-day I will NOT be there," she enunciates. "Correct… Uhuh, buh-bye!" She rolls her eyes and hangs up shaking her head at me and I know the frustration well, we work at the same Michael's. It's awesome, but our manager is very manipulative. I sip my tea thinking about it.
"You need to be the manager." I wish she were the manager.
"Pur!.. and Dean needs to go," she laughs sipping her coke. "How's your Fiverr going?"
"Oh girl I got some gigs, I've made about $110 from it so far." 
"Okay! I'm on Upwork I made about $200."
"Damn. Well I'm looking at working at the Children's Museum for more money."
"True, I saw that position too.. but don't overextend yourself. I'm not.. because we still need to finish with these classes and get our art portfolios together and we ain't finna graduate late-tuh!" 
I know, but I also need money.
When our food comes, we get refills on our drinks and that's when she comments on the restaurant, after she bites into her chicken. It's both of our first time coming in, but it's right near our college which is why we decided to give it a shot for lunch. It's called Urban Hangout and that's exactly what it looks like, a coffee shop to hang out in and just sit. The food is really good too.
"So what you got going on Friday," I ask dipping and shoving fries in my mouth one by one. 
"Tuh, Friday? Nothing I just needed a day to myself and that's the day I'm taking," her lips pout when I laugh. 
"That's smart! I'm glad you ain't let Dean try to sucker you like he be trying." I lean in. She's curling her finger like she needs to tell me something. "He's famous for shit like that -What," I whisper quickly. She waves her hand aggressively for me to stop talking. 
"Meg.. you know that guy over there," her eyes flicker to my left. My head stays still but my eyes briefly follow hers to a quiet looking guy sitting at a table alone with an art pad and a beanie on covering his ears and eyebrows, eyes focused down as he draws.
"Mm-mm, no.. Never seen him in my life.."
"Well he keeps looking over here at you, I think he drawing you." She bites her chicken and sips her coke as I stare.
Me? Why he couldn't be drawing her, why does she assume it's me? I take another look at the guy but turn my head too far and end up making eye contact when he looks up. He looks different than I thought he would now that I can see more of his face. He blinks like he's waiting to see what I'm a do so I get up and sit across from him. He's really cute, though I got a man. There's nothing wrong with being nice, I tell myself.
"You go to Alan Hancock?" 
The corner of his mouth lifts as he looks straight at me. He has long eyelashes and pretty, full kissable lips. I sit a little straighter. If I weren't already three months deep in a relationship I'd give him my number. He focuses back on his artpad, sketching, his eyes moving back and forth between my face and his paper with new energy. I look over at Yaya wondering if she sees what I see and she's smiling like she knows what I'm thinking. She knows my type, brown skin and bearded. He looks like he has a nice build under the loose shirt. And he draws.
"You speak..?" He doesn't respond. I'm starting to think he's deaf and cute. Maybe he can read lips, both sets. I wave and when he looks up, I point to my lips. "What's your name?" He only and smiles, his eyes creased at the corners, still sketching away. 
I decide to just sit still and wait until he's done to see the picture, curious of his skill level. If he doesn't go to Hancock for art, then dammit he should.
Suddenly he stops, looks his page over seriously, and hands me the artpad across the table. He watches me for my reaction. It's a full rendering of my face in great detail and he's made me look beautiful. He's even got my negro nose with the piercing down to the shape of my eyebrows. My locs are accounted for and he put texture on them. Next to that is a full sketch of me sitting at my table, leaning onto the table with the straw in my mouth to drink. He's even got the print of my dress down. Only thing is he's added a realistic looking flower behind my ear in both pictures and I'm not wearing a flower. I look up briefly, curious.
His smile returns as he sees my head tilt with a question in my eyes about the flower. Going into his backpack beside him, he gently pulls out a lively bright golden yellow flower handing it to me. I look to Yaya, who looks equally surprised while I show off my flower. She's fawning.
"Is this how you pick up girls," I smirk smelling it. It's real and I'm geeked. I tuck it behind my ear like suggested by the drawing. Taking his pad, he writes a message on the page and hands it back to me. 
24 hours of silence in memory of black women killed by police brutality. My older sister was one and she loved daffodils. I've been giving daffodils to black women all day. This is my last one.
I look up at his warm eyes but now I see traces of sadness. 
"When did she die," I whisper unsure of whether to speak or write now. He takes the pad and writes. 
2 years ago today.
My heart breaks for him and I hold my heart looking over at Yaya who has no clue what's going on. I'll have to fill her in when I get back over there. In the meantime, I do my best to communicate that I'm truly sorry for his loss. 
"Can I have this," I point to the paper. He frowns comically shaking his head and takes his pad back writing again. 
I'd rather keep it. I like how it came out. 
Can't say I don't understand him as an artist because there are times when you look at your work and love it too much to let it go. Still, it is my face. He smiles seeing my disappointment. I nod deciding to let it go and stand to head back to my table. By the time I sit down, he's up with his things and leaving the cafe. I let Yaya into the loop and she sympathizes looking over to the space where he previously sat.
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In class, my eisele faces the window and I start my under painting which is a wash of the background.
"How did you get yet another picture in the hall," I turn to ask Yaya after thinking about it for a good few minutes. She grins with her tongue out between her teeth. 
"I keep telling you, taking outside classes and going to workshops really helps you develop in realism."
"I keep saying I'm going to," I sigh as I plop my brush in water. She sweeps her brush across her canvas back and forth.
"You're lazy. That's why you haven't had anything in the hall."
"No, but why can't I just practice and learn from the classes I'm already paying for," I groan. "Otherwise why am I paying?"
"Because you can't, suck it up. You want to be in the hall or you wanna be average?"
"I wanna make $200 on Upwork."
"Up your skill set and you can," she points to my canvas with her detail brush adding insult to injury.
"Bitch, I'm trying!" Honest, I am. I've improved on my own a great deal but I've still never sold like she has. Her art is in THE HALL.
At Allan Hancock College, only the best student work lines the white brick walls of the art halls. The best of the best make it to the glass display. Every visitor to the building had to pass through the art hall and without meaning to, they stop to admire the art almost without fail. Sometimes the art sells for prices upwards of $300. Colorful portraits, hyperrealistic paintings of still life and everyday objects.. Needless to say, the hall is the goal of every art student and the golden standard to aspire to. 
"That's pretty," Francis smiles in passing on the way to his easel. He's referring to my self-portrait. I started with the background and now I'm painting my skin tone. Glancing over to his station, I move from my spot to take a look at his canvas. 
"Aww, look at Gravy lil fat self!" He's painting his lil fat French bulldog. "Wait a minute... Francis, you got better!.."
"I went to a painting workshop this past weekend, it was a bring your dog paint and sip night. You should've seen all of the puppies! I met a few new people too, 100% reccomend."
"You talkin bout COLORS," April jumps in from behind. Instantly I look at Yaya and she looks at me.
"I love COLORS, I'm telling you, I go there all the time. I've learned so much skill-wise and every day they have something different going on," Francis says. "You ever been?" The question is to me, but before I can answer, April cuts in.
"Y'all need to go on a Saturday night," she smirks.
"I went Sunday, it was fun. Had a lil wine," Francis adds.
"Exactly, no.. Go Saturday Night it's portrait and figure drawing night but there's always a live model and 9 times out of 10 they're always fine." She goes to her portfolio and pulls a painting of a nude black woman. Her strong features are in great detail I notice as I appraise it. This could be in the hall too if she were serious. 
"Damn, I been going the wrong day, sign me up," Sheena cuts in. I ain't even see her behind me. "I wanna go, but I wanna paint a woman," she says causing Francis to look back playfully. 
"We know."
"Look, I'm going this Saturday night if y'all wanna meet me there," Yaya announces as she focuses on her picture reminding me that I need to head back to mine. "Let me know and I'll get us a table. Just everyone chip in since I'm using my card." 
It seems like everyone plans to go. "I'm going too," I say not wanting to be left out.
"Oh I know you are," Yaya's brow raises. I turn my lip up playfully. Kellan would've been bored there anyway he doesn't have an artistic bone in his body. He's like my mom, not interested.
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Cutting the engine on my mama's car, I exit the gps and call Yaya.
"Hey. Where you at, I ain't see your car?"
"I'm coming. I'm a few minutes away, wait for me."
"I see Sheena and Francis standing outside. I can claim our station, it's fine. Just meet me inside," I tell her and on entering the urban paint bar with Sheena and Francis directly behind me, the walls are dust free and eggshell white. The overhead fixtures bring white artificial light. The floors are a light sandy wood, finished for easy clean. It looks way better than the outside, bigger too.
Francis leads the way to the desk/register/information center and I grab a brochure advertising a gallery showing that's supposed to happen.
"Hey we have a reservation for five under Yaya. 8PM," he states and we're escorted to a warm white brick space with finished wood floors easy for cleaning. Still there are plastic tarps. There are three other small groups with clustered easels signifying a division, each group with a corresponding table. Our table is table three and we order a bottle of red wine which comes around the same time as April and Yaya. We're all here and ready.
April and Francis take control since they've been to COLORS. They secure our palletes, paints, and brushes.
"Let's make it a competition," April suggests.
"You're on," Yaya points. We're all in, prepping our canvases before the model arrives and when the door reopens we all look up. "IT'S HIM," Yaya gasps echoing my thoughts. He looks just as stoic and reserved as the first time we saw him. I wave catching his eye and jog toward him stopping with my hands on my hips.
"You gotta be an art student," I gape up at him realizing he's taller than I remember. "You everywhere we be!" His lips pout in the tiniest smirk and I wonder if he's still not talking. "My bad, yes or no questions only. Nod for yes.. Are you an art student?"
He shakes his head no.
"Wow wow wow, you in school?"
He nods.
"I really wanna ask you where I'm about to start guessing schools."
Raising a finger to say wait, he proceeds to lightly grab my upper arms and shift me from his path like I'm in the way. I'm offended!
He heads to the middle point of the room which houses a small platform with a few props.
"Ohh," I mouth watching him pull of his thin but loose long sleeved purple vneck. "Dayum!"
I head back to my easel and my group has the same expression. This man looks like a gym rat. I suspected as much but you really couldn't tell through the shirt and that seems to have been on purpose. He's not like me, I flex hard af when I know I look good.
"Professionalism," I remind my classmates. "Y'all seen a naked body before. We are artists, we do not ogle... We respect the human form."
I'm half joking because I know it's normal to have a reaction, but they take me seriously and go into mature mode. Then the man takes off his ripped skinny jeans revealing strong, long, lean calves and solid, defined thighs. He's standing in burgundy briefs that expose that he's working with a monster. Big boy status in those briefs.
It's not like I've never seen a penis, Kellan's is not small. It's not as girthy as this guy's.. but it's similar in length. I'm glad he's not hear to see me damn near simping over this model. That could've been extremely awkward.
I look at the other groups and they seem to be really mature about it. I watch their eyes to see if they're faking composure but quickly change my mind and mind my business. It's a good time to grow up myself.
Then the briefs come off. I keep my face neutral but I see from the corner of my vision that the big boy is hanging. It's been a whole strip tease, I'm almost nervous to look up because my poker face is too fragile. Instead, I start with his face and upper body and jump to his legs based on my view of him. His side is turned to me. I mix my colors for the tonal differences in his skin, accounting for shadows and highlights. I want this portrait to look as good, no.. BETTER than the one he did of me in the cafe. I also want to win this little painting competition. I work on getting the color placement blocked out and accurate and then I follow up with blending and details. His hair is one of my favorite things to paint and I'm confident no one's touching me on that.
He moves around every so often to give the ones who request it a closer look. I don't mind it because he's good at returning to his mark and exact position. Also the lighting doesn't change.
I get his whole body down nearly, left with the gap between his v-cut and his thighs. It's childish but instead of drawing his penis, I start painting in the props. I paint the blue vase and the small stand holding the half full water bottle he keeps taking little breaks to sip from.
"Anyone else hot," I whisper blousing my shirt to give myself air underneath. April takes it as a sign to walk around our easels to look at our canvases and we do the same with each other's. Instantly I realize my painting isn't as good as I thought it was and that I can do better.
"You missed a whole part," she comments inspecting my painting carefully. She's looking at the way I painted his locs. I definitely succeeded there. "You just not gonna give him a dick?"
"I'm not done, I couldn't really see it from this angle," I lie. "I'm just gonna paint a modesty leaf."
"That'll ruin your pretty picture, I've seen your leaves," Francis grimaces. "It's a small part, you can finish it we have time."
I wanna tell him it ain't that small. That thing is big. Instead I pick up the brush to deliberate.
"Hey, could you come just a little closer, please? She's trying to see from the side," April points to me and when he comes closer, I have no excuse.
"Helps to paint it if you look at it maybe every once in a while," he deadpans. I freeze momentarily to look him in the eye. He thinks he's clever.
"Oh you talk now," I smile sarcastically. His small answering smirk shows no malice, purely teasing.
"I like to let people talk who like to talk."
"Yeah aight." I have to look. I start filling in the missing part of his body and when I glance left, Yaya is smirking at me. It's subtle, but I know her and I ignore her.
Kellan wouldn't understand me standing up here sipping wine and drawing dicks with a naked man so close to me. I don't think I'll tell him. That's not something I care to explain and I don't have to, it's art not sexual. I make sure I copy the smooth transition from brown to pinkish-brown on the tip of the dick. I get the healthy shine and the light pull of the balls which are big. He's clean shaven or waxed, I don't know which. When I've got the gist of it he returns to his original position.
"What's your name anyway," I call out. I can't be the only one curious.
"What importance is a given name? The universe will mold us into what we're truly meant to be."
"Erik. His name is Erik," a girl from table four says with a humored sigh. "Ignore him, he's a troll."
"That's a label you've chosen for me. You're a white woman, you are not the universe. Only black women can attempt to perceive me."
"Shut.. up," she groans. It's hard to tell but I'm starting to see he likes mixing his genuine responses with satire. It's confusing. He could be a hotep or he could be fishing. But why would hotep be a nude model? Are there hotep nude models who hand out flowers and draw in cafes?
"Let's compare," Yaya announces and we all vote on the winner with feedback from the other groups who actually consist of nice people. Yaya wins, no surprise there. I'm still proud of my painting. It's my best so far. I wish I could show it to my mama and my man without them viewing it as something perverted.
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